1
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,519
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast.

2
00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:10,320
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

3
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:14,360
Speaker 2: wants answers now.

4
00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,960
Speaker 1: Today answering your questions on the Happy Family's podcast about

5
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,480
Speaker 1: a husband who refuses to pull his weight and leaves

6
00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:22,360
Speaker 1: the house and mass leaves everything for his wife to do.

7
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,479
Speaker 1: What is going on there? As well as that a

8
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:29,080
Speaker 1: twelve year old who is dealing with massive anxiety, can't

9
00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:31,840
Speaker 1: go to sleep at night, has no friends, and is

10
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,640
Speaker 1: causing so much stress and challenge in the home. Hello,

11
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,960
Speaker 1: my name is doctor Justin Courson. Welcome, Welcome to the

12
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,519
Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast. So good to have you here. If

13
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:41,959
Speaker 1: you would like to know about how to make your

14
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,000
Speaker 1: family happier, if you'd like to know about how to

15
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:46,200
Speaker 1: improve your well being, if you'd like to know about

16
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,920
Speaker 1: how to make your relationships stronger. In fact, if you'd

17
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,680
Speaker 1: like to ask me anything at all, just submit your

18
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:54,240
Speaker 1: questions with the super simple system at happy families dot

19
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:55,760
Speaker 1: com dot au. All you have to do is go

20
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,400
Speaker 1: to the homepage, click the record button at the podcast

21
00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:02,680
Speaker 1: section and start talk. That is literally it, let's fire

22
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:05,720
Speaker 1: this one up. The first question comes from somebody who

23
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:09,760
Speaker 1: is anonymous, and this is what they've asked, Hey.

24
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,200
Speaker 3: Justin and Kylie incredibly frustrated. Right now, I can't be

25
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,920
Speaker 3: everything to everyone. My husband acts like he doesn't expect

26
00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:20,039
Speaker 3: anything of me, but then when he needs to step up,

27
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,280
Speaker 3: he just can't. I honestly think it's feigned in competence.

28
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,280
Speaker 3: I got the house prepared for the school holidays so

29
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:28,399
Speaker 3: that it was easy to have time with the kids

30
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:32,120
Speaker 3: instead of spending all my time cleaning and chasing my tail.

31
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,840
Speaker 3: I also managed to keep it clean the entire first

32
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,440
Speaker 3: week of the holidays, despite having playdates and many cooking

33
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:42,920
Speaker 3: sessions and messy play games with my kids. On the weekend,

34
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:45,000
Speaker 3: I picked up a shift, and when I got home

35
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,040
Speaker 3: at ten pm from said shift, the house was a bomb.

36
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,280
Speaker 3: I am just so angry that he didn't take half

37
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,320
Speaker 3: an hour to get everything in order so that I

38
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,280
Speaker 3: wouldn't have to come home to a pig sty. What

39
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,120
Speaker 3: am I meant to do with a husband who is

40
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,080
Speaker 3: more of a child than my kids. We're also trying

41
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:04,400
Speaker 3: to navigate the ndis may thanks so much.

42
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,200
Speaker 1: Okay, this one's a tough one. I want to give

43
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,320
Speaker 1: your husband the benefit of the doubt. I want to

44
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,400
Speaker 1: suggest that there are other ways to do parenting other

45
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,280
Speaker 1: than the way that you want it to be done.

46
00:02:13,639 --> 00:02:16,919
Speaker 1: I really think that sometimes perspective taking can be helpful.

47
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,800
Speaker 1: And it sounds like you're just so stressed out both

48
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,280
Speaker 1: of you, that there are any number of explanations for

49
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:25,919
Speaker 1: what could be going on. Therefore, what I'm about to say,

50
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,640
Speaker 1: you need to really, I guess take with a grain

51
00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:31,560
Speaker 1: of salt if there's any compassion or empathy or any

52
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,360
Speaker 1: other way of seeing things based on the information you've

53
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,880
Speaker 1: given me. Though, let's call a spade a spade. If

54
00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:40,520
Speaker 1: your husband is feigning incompetence, that's a load of garbage.

55
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,160
Speaker 1: He's not helpless, he's choosing not to help. He is

56
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,480
Speaker 1: an adult, he's capable, and he's leaving you overwhelmed, and

57
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:49,920
Speaker 1: he's leaving you resentful. You're trying to juggle work, the kids,

58
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:54,000
Speaker 1: a spotless house, navigating the NDS mays, and it sounds

59
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,720
Speaker 1: to me like he's coasting. That's not a partnership. It's

60
00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:00,440
Speaker 1: a one woman show with a very reluctant audience member.

61
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:04,560
Speaker 1: So here's my advice, minus any ultimatums or anything like that,

62
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,880
Speaker 1: because I don't think that's what we need here. And

63
00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:09,400
Speaker 1: I want to add one more time the caveat. We

64
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,760
Speaker 1: might have this all wrong. Maybe he's choosing to play

65
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,119
Speaker 1: with the kids rather than tidy the house because that's

66
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,320
Speaker 1: what he values and that's where he thinks he can

67
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:21,000
Speaker 1: add the most value. Maybe he's choosing to bust himself

68
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:22,520
Speaker 1: all day at work and when he comes home he

69
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:26,000
Speaker 1: is absolutely cooked and has nothing left. I don't like

70
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,520
Speaker 1: what I'm hearing. I'm not convinced that that's what's going on,

71
00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:30,239
Speaker 1: but I do want to give him the benefit of

72
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:34,120
Speaker 1: the doubt if we can. If I'm wrong, if you're right.

73
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,880
Speaker 1: Three things. Number one, don't be a martyr. You're not

74
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,520
Speaker 1: wonder woman. You are a human being, and human beings

75
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,960
Speaker 1: need help. They need sleep, they need support, they need

76
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,080
Speaker 1: a community and a village, and they need a partner

77
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,800
Speaker 1: who is on their team. So I would stop trying

78
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:51,560
Speaker 1: to do it all and move into conversations where you

79
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,840
Speaker 1: can talk with him about what he's doing to make

80
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:57,680
Speaker 1: the contribution that's necessary to keep things moving and to

81
00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:01,160
Speaker 1: take the load off you. That might of number two,

82
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,320
Speaker 1: having what some people might call a come to Jesus

83
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,280
Speaker 1: meeting where you sit down and you lay it all out.

84
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,920
Speaker 1: The exhaustion and maybe even the resentment and the unfairness,

85
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,440
Speaker 1: and be honest about it, but don't be accusatory. Okay,

86
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,400
Speaker 1: this isn't about pointing the finger and saying you're not

87
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:17,520
Speaker 1: pulling your weight, you're not doing what you should be doing. Rather,

88
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,320
Speaker 1: it's about saying, I'm doing all of these things and

89
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,120
Speaker 1: it's not sustainable, and I need your help. And I

90
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,760
Speaker 1: know you're helping in a variety of ways that you

91
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,800
Speaker 1: think really do help, but they're not the things that

92
00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:28,760
Speaker 1: I need the most. That's what I mean there. Okay,

93
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,800
Speaker 1: this has got to be a very careful conversation, not

94
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,440
Speaker 1: a blame game, or it will blow up. The third

95
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,400
Speaker 1: thing that I would recommend that you do here, my

96
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:40,599
Speaker 1: anonymous friend is set some really clear expectations around what

97
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:44,240
Speaker 1: you're looking for, and probably I want to say consequences,

98
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:47,159
Speaker 1: but that's not the right word. Here's how i'd say it.

99
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:50,640
Speaker 1: Don't just vent offer solutions. So it might bit that

100
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,440
Speaker 1: you say, this is what I'm struggling with. There's the resentment,

101
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:56,200
Speaker 1: there's the unfairness, there's the exhaustion. And I've put this

102
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,880
Speaker 1: list together of things that I think we can work

103
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,240
Speaker 1: on together. Or here's this shared kland or there's a

104
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:04,599
Speaker 1: chore chart, whatever it takes to get him involved. And

105
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,960
Speaker 1: I guess that's the bit where if he doesn't follow through,

106
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,840
Speaker 1: if he's unwilling, well, I guess first of all, if

107
00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:14,680
Speaker 1: he's unwilling but he's got really good reasons for being unwilling,

108
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,840
Speaker 1: then that means that you have that conversation and work

109
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:22,080
Speaker 1: it out from there. If he's able to do stuff

110
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,599
Speaker 1: but just doesn't, that's the bit where you say, all right, well,

111
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,960
Speaker 1: if you're not willing to step up, I'm going to

112
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,719
Speaker 1: step out and when I come back, I need these

113
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:35,960
Speaker 1: things done. Have a me day or take the kids out,

114
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:38,120
Speaker 1: or I don't know, whatever it is that you need

115
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,320
Speaker 1: to do so that you can make it clear to

116
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:44,960
Speaker 1: him that there's an expectation that's not being satisfied. Now,

117
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,680
Speaker 1: as to the NDIS, you've indicated that's a it's a

118
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:52,120
Speaker 1: bureaucratic mess. I would just say, don't let it defeat you.

119
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,800
Speaker 1: You're fighting for your daughter, and to me, that's the

120
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,440
Speaker 1: most important battle of all. So keep pushing, keep advocating,

121
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,320
Speaker 1: keep being that fierce muma who protecting her cub and

122
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,800
Speaker 1: help her to get the support that she needs. Bottom

123
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,880
Speaker 1: line here, you deserve a partner, not a project if

124
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,560
Speaker 1: you are doing all of this work. I think that

125
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,240
Speaker 1: in some ways this is a hard thing to say,

126
00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:17,279
Speaker 1: but based on the scenario that I've been presented with here,

127
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,039
Speaker 1: some of what's going on with the very best of

128
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:24,760
Speaker 1: intentions leads to enabling his laziness. He needs to participate

129
00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:27,880
Speaker 1: in the family. Family meetings. I've talked about them endlessly

130
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,800
Speaker 1: on the podcast. I think a couple's meeting is the

131
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,839
Speaker 1: kind of thing that's going to get this thing moving forward.

132
00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:36,080
Speaker 1: What's going well, what's not? What can we work on together,

133
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,000
Speaker 1: getting on the same page. That's the way that I'd

134
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,760
Speaker 1: be heading with this. I know it's a sort of

135
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:51,000
Speaker 1: a tough love conversation. Good luck, really tricky one. Let's

136
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:55,600
Speaker 1: move on to question number two from Michelle in Victoria, Hi, Justin.

137
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,440
Speaker 2: And Cardie. Recently, my twelve year old daughter was assessed

138
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:02,839
Speaker 2: autism and ADHD. She has chronic insomnia and steeps in

139
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:07,880
Speaker 2: our bed. She regularly has anxiety attacks before bed. The

140
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:11,720
Speaker 2: next day, we are all exhausted. Her worst anxiety is

141
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:16,480
Speaker 2: no friends at school. She doesn't want to sleep at

142
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,440
Speaker 2: night because she says that her mind won't switch off

143
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:23,640
Speaker 2: and her words, she says, start eating a rotten banana.

144
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,040
Speaker 2: You know how terrible it tastes, and you know there's

145
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,960
Speaker 2: nothing that you can do to stop it happening again

146
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,560
Speaker 2: and again. Please, could you give us your best advice

147
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,720
Speaker 2: to help Michelle.

148
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:39,960
Speaker 1: I hear the exhaustion, and I hear the desperation, and

149
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,840
Speaker 1: this is such a hard one. A couple of things here.

150
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,120
Speaker 1: The first thing that I want to highlight is that

151
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,800
Speaker 1: psychological support from a qualified mental health practitioner is going

152
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,560
Speaker 1: to be your best bet here. I can only say

153
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,880
Speaker 1: so much in five or six minutes on the podcast,

154
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,680
Speaker 1: but what I do want to share with you hopefully

155
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,800
Speaker 1: will be helpful in a general sense. Specific help from

156
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,600
Speaker 1: somebody who can dive deep into your circumstances is going

157
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,600
Speaker 1: to be helpful. I want to start with the definition

158
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,480
Speaker 1: of mental health. The way that I look at mental

159
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,680
Speaker 1: health is this. Mental health is having the tolerance for

160
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,960
Speaker 1: difficult feelings and being able to respond to those difficult

161
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,360
Speaker 1: feelings and adaptive and functional ways. And what I'm hearing

162
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,200
Speaker 1: in your message on the part of your daughter is

163
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:25,520
Speaker 1: an undeniable absence of mental health. She is struggling with

164
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:30,440
Speaker 1: its opposite, with mental illness, which is a tremendous challenge,

165
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,439
Speaker 1: and you've articulated it so well. Something that you didn't

166
00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:35,720
Speaker 1: quite clarify for me though, as you said that your

167
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:40,440
Speaker 1: daughter has been assessed for autism and ADHD, but you

168
00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:44,400
Speaker 1: didn't indicate whether she has been diagnosed with those things,

169
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,480
Speaker 1: and so I'm a little bit limited in what I

170
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,360
Speaker 1: can say based on that uncertainty that I have in

171
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,440
Speaker 1: your message. Let's talk about anxiety, because that's something that

172
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:57,680
Speaker 1: you were very clear about. Anxiety around bead and anxiety

173
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:01,719
Speaker 1: around social challenges. Let's start with bedtime stuff. Bedtime routine

174
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,680
Speaker 1: I think is key to your wellbeing and to your

175
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,360
Speaker 1: daughter's well being. In fact, if there was one wellbeing

176
00:09:07,559 --> 00:09:10,120
Speaker 1: hack and one parenting hack that I could give you,

177
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,520
Speaker 1: it's got nothing to do with well being or parenting.

178
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,280
Speaker 1: It's just get enough sleep, and clearly that's not happening

179
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,079
Speaker 1: for you. This is a really oh it's just a

180
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:21,760
Speaker 1: really hard one. I'd be talking with a GP, a

181
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,600
Speaker 1: medical practitioner, and having a look at any kind of

182
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,160
Speaker 1: medical issues that could be promoting this. It does sound

183
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:31,480
Speaker 1: like it's primarily psychological, but there are also different kinds

184
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:35,800
Speaker 1: of medical support that you can get. Medical interventions, pharmaceutical

185
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,760
Speaker 1: and interventions that can help your daughter to sleep without

186
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:43,160
Speaker 1: being heavily pharmaceutical, Like, there are natural versions of many

187
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,840
Speaker 1: pharmaceutical products, and I'd be having a chat about the

188
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:49,920
Speaker 1: safest and healthiest options there with a GP or somebody

189
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:53,200
Speaker 1: else that you trust with that kind of advice. Getting

190
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,600
Speaker 1: enough sleep is going to be really, really, really key

191
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:58,640
Speaker 1: to you having success here. When I listen to this,

192
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:03,520
Speaker 1: I just parents make such huge sacrifices. We're required that

193
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:06,600
Speaker 1: our children demanded obvious that we make these enormous sacrifices

194
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,319
Speaker 1: when it comes to sleep. This might be one of

195
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,120
Speaker 1: those sacrifices. I'd be looking at what kind of a

196
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,480
Speaker 1: routine works for her, What do we need to do

197
00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:16,080
Speaker 1: to get her to sleep, and if that means that

198
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,480
Speaker 1: she sleeps in bed with mum, or that Dad goes

199
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,400
Speaker 1: and sleeps in another room, or that you come up

200
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,000
Speaker 1: with some kind of a solution, that may be quite

201
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,520
Speaker 1: a sacrifice that helps her to get the sleep. In fact,

202
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,959
Speaker 1: helps everyone to get the sleep that they need. You're

203
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,040
Speaker 1: going to find that tempers are going to be much

204
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,120
Speaker 1: much more in control of you. To find you've got

205
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:36,199
Speaker 1: psychological and cognitive and you're going to have more capacity,

206
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,760
Speaker 1: more resources to respond to the challenges that you're experiencing,

207
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:45,319
Speaker 1: and they're significant challenges. Let's move away from the exhaustion

208
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,960
Speaker 1: and the sleep for a moment and talk about something

209
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,400
Speaker 1: that it's going to sound like it's a little bit

210
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,520
Speaker 1: off track, but I think it's really important. I'm curious,

211
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,240
Speaker 1: when you've got a twelve year old girl, what is

212
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:57,800
Speaker 1: it that ignites delight in her life? I'd be looking

213
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,200
Speaker 1: for ways that I could create that in her life.

214
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:04,760
Speaker 1: We've recently and this is a personal anecdote that will

215
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,560
Speaker 1: highlight the kind of thing that I'm describing. As you

216
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,760
Speaker 1: probably know because you're a podcast listener, we're homeschooling our

217
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,760
Speaker 1: two youngest kids, one of them is fourteen, one of

218
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,480
Speaker 1: them is ten, and our fourteen year old recently had

219
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,240
Speaker 1: the opportunity to go and volunteer at a horse I

220
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:20,440
Speaker 1: guess you'd call a ranch.

221
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:20,800
Speaker 3: I don't know.

222
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,240
Speaker 1: I mean, does Australia have ranchers at a facility where

223
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,040
Speaker 1: there are hundreds of horses. She's in love with horses,

224
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,520
Speaker 1: and because she's homeschooled, she got ahead on her school work.

225
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,720
Speaker 1: And then she took a week away from schoolwork and

226
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,880
Speaker 1: went and volunteered at this place and she shoveled poo

227
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:34,960
Speaker 1: when she brushed horses, and she saddled them and she

228
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,000
Speaker 1: put bridles on them, and she got to go on

229
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:40,960
Speaker 1: some horse rides. What do you call that when you

230
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,240
Speaker 1: jump on the horse with a bunch of people. I

231
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:44,599
Speaker 1: can't think of what it is. But she got to

232
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,599
Speaker 1: go on some horse ride, things along the tracks in

233
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,560
Speaker 1: the mountains and that kind of thing. And for a

234
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,920
Speaker 1: week she stayed at my parents on the New South

235
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,360
Speaker 1: Wales central coast and they helped her to get to

236
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,320
Speaker 1: and from while she had this experience, and it changed her.

237
00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:00,360
Speaker 1: She became a different person. She was not in with

238
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,240
Speaker 1: her screen. She was going to bed early. She was

239
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,040
Speaker 1: waking up at five o'clock, even though she didn't have

240
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,840
Speaker 1: to be there until like eight or eight thirty or

241
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:09,560
Speaker 1: something like that. It fundamentally changed her experience of life.

242
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:13,120
Speaker 1: Her social circles have changed. Everything shifted because of what

243
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,560
Speaker 1: she's done there. And so my question for you is

244
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:22,079
Speaker 1: what ignites delight in your daughter and can you prioritize that.

245
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,040
Speaker 1: Can she be involved in that extracurricular activity two or

246
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,760
Speaker 1: three or four days a week. Can she be in

247
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:32,199
Speaker 1: a place where there is social safety two or three

248
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,520
Speaker 1: or four days a week. What can we do to

249
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:39,679
Speaker 1: help her to have more experiences of autonomy and competence

250
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:45,040
Speaker 1: and relationship with others. Those kinds of experiences will subdue

251
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:48,280
Speaker 1: anxiety and also help her, I think, especially if they're

252
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:51,280
Speaker 1: physically engaging, help her to sleep better because she's just

253
00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:55,359
Speaker 1: going to be exhausted. Last of all, the social anxiety.

254
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:58,000
Speaker 1: I'm going to recommend all the usual stuff, the sort

255
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,320
Speaker 1: of things that people talk about, like getting together with friends,

256
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,280
Speaker 1: helping her to be in safe places with people that

257
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:05,720
Speaker 1: she gets along well with, developing relationships with people that

258
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,720
Speaker 1: she's got an interest in, working with other parents, talking

259
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,720
Speaker 1: to the teachers, involving other adults that work with her.

260
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,320
Speaker 1: These are the kinds of things that most people would

261
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:15,839
Speaker 1: recommend for this kind of thing. It's a bit of

262
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,800
Speaker 1: a tricky one, but that's the direction that I'd definitely

263
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,800
Speaker 1: be pointing you towards there. Ultimately, you want to have

264
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:25,360
Speaker 1: a calm household. Tough love isn't going to work. I

265
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,800
Speaker 1: think validation of emotions, normalization, you know what A lot

266
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,680
Speaker 1: of kids struggle with this. You're not going through anything

267
00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:33,360
Speaker 1: particularly unusual. It is kind of calmon. It doesn't mean

268
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,720
Speaker 1: it's not challenging, but it is kind of common. Let's

269
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,560
Speaker 1: get a predictable routine. Let's work with our mental health

270
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,880
Speaker 1: provider to get the support that we need and see

271
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,959
Speaker 1: where we go from there. It's a really tough one.

272
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,040
Speaker 1: Michelle from Victoria, Thank you so much for the question.

273
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:49,280
Speaker 1: Good luck, hard work in front of you. But I

274
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,600
Speaker 1: know that if you stay the course and work through

275
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,600
Speaker 1: these processes, they will make a difference for you. Thanks

276
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,280
Speaker 1: so much for your questions. Next week more of your

277
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,920
Speaker 1: Happy Families questions. You can submit your questions by the

278
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,880
Speaker 1: super simple system at happy families dot com dot you

279
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,600
Speaker 1: just scroll down to where the podcasts are, press the

280
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:09,320
Speaker 1: record button, start talking. It's really that simple, and I

281
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,680
Speaker 1: love answering your questions. The Happy Family's podcast is produced

282
00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:15,840
Speaker 1: by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. The more information about

283
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,200
Speaker 1: making your family happier is available at happy families dot

284
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,160
Speaker 1: com dot A. You