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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, I'm not big on gentle parenting, but i am

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Speaker 2: really big on being good to kids, make sure they've

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Speaker 2: got appropriate boundaries, but making sure that we're communicating with

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Speaker 2: them in a way that acknowledges and recognizes that they're people.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: I have no idea, Kylie, if this is going to work.

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Speaker 2: This is the first time, first time ever that we've

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Speaker 2: tried to record a podcast with the entire family home

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Speaker 2: and the dishwatcher going and children in the shower, bath,

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Speaker 2: the whole lot. So fingers crossed, it's going to work, obviously, Folks.

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Speaker 2: We don't record the podcast the minute that you're hearing

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Speaker 2: it live to air on the morning of the podcast.

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Speaker 2: We do it the day before or something like that.

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Speaker 2: But this time we are running late. Our lives have

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Speaker 2: been hectic, our schedule has blown up, like absolutely, and

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Speaker 2: we are trying to do this in a really complicated way.

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Speaker 2: So I've just been in Sydney last night. I was

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Speaker 2: at bridget Ene College in the Eastern Suburbs talking about

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Speaker 2: sex consent and staying safe, and now we're doing our

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Speaker 2: very best with technology to pull this off. Kylie's got

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Speaker 2: the kids running around the house and I'm trying to

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Speaker 2: push the buttons from where I am and I have

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Speaker 2: no idea if it's going to work. So here we go.

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Speaker 2: Let's do our best. Are you ready?

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Speaker 3: Hey?

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Speaker 2: You know what I want to do. We were trying

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Speaker 2: to get hold of Ryan Reynolds for the show Ryan

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Speaker 2: Renolds for the podcast what are you laughing at? I'm serious.

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Speaker 2: We sent the invite out, nothing came back, but it's

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Speaker 2: got a new movie coming out email. I haven't got

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Speaker 2: his email address. No, I do what I can.

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Speaker 4: Here's Twitter.

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Speaker 5: No, I should have tweeted him. I should have said, Ryan,

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Speaker 5: come on the show. I've got six daughters. He's got

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Speaker 5: three daughters. And because he wasn't available to talk to

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Speaker 5: the Happy Families podcast. I mean, we do have a

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Speaker 5: lot of listeners and we have been nominated as Australia's

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Speaker 5: Best Parenting PODCAS for later on this month of the

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Speaker 5: Istraian Podcast Awards. But maybe I should tweet him and

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Speaker 5: let him know and see if he'll do it. I

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Speaker 5: mean that would be epic, that would be epic.

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Speaker 4: Could you imagine really Jimmy Fallon.

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Speaker 2: Well, he was speaking with Jimmy Fallon about the things

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Speaker 2: that I wanted to talk to him about. That is

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Speaker 2: his brand new Spirited movie, which we're not going to

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Speaker 2: We're not going to talk about that because we can't.

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Speaker 2: But also he he he and his wife, Blake Lively

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Speaker 2: are expecting another child. This is what he had to

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Speaker 2: say about maybe number four on the way. Will it

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Speaker 2: be a girl? Talking with Jimmy Fallon, maybe number four

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Speaker 2: on the way, number fo. I'm so happy for you

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Speaker 2: and Blake.

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Speaker 3: Thank you, SENSI Blake, please, I definitely will. Yeah, it's

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Speaker 3: it's another Yeah, No, it's a lot. I mean we

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Speaker 3: have we have three beautiful girls right now and fourth

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Speaker 3: one on the way. It's really making me rethink stunts.

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Speaker 3: You know, I've been doing the action movies twenty five years.

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Speaker 3: I've broken twelve bones. I just had a seventh surgery.

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Speaker 3: And you know, kids though they beat you up, I

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Speaker 3: got you know, my daughter's like you know you I

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Speaker 3: oftentimes like it's not an alarm clock that wakes me up.

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Speaker 3: It's like a jump, a need of the jugular, Yeah,

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Speaker 3: of course. Yeah, And like I just want to keep

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Speaker 3: I'm rethinking doing stunts now because I'm starting to realize,

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Speaker 3: like I want to be able to still kind of

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Speaker 3: be active with my kids and stuff like I love

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Speaker 3: I love throwing them up in the air, Like I

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Speaker 3: could throw my daughter Betty.

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Speaker 2: Especially, I can throw her. She's so little. I could

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Speaker 2: throw her high in the.

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Speaker 3: Air still, and she loves it. The problem is I

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Speaker 3: can't catch her.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's.

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Speaker 3: So, that's how the biggest the biggest issue that I'm facing.

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Speaker 2: But yeah, do you know, do you know if it's

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Speaker 2: boy or girl? We don't.

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Speaker 3: We never find out. We always wait till they come

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Speaker 3: down the chute. But you know, I actually, yeah, I

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Speaker 3: just even after they're born. I don't ask because I

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Speaker 3: respect the privacy. But I'm kind of hoping for a

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Speaker 3: girl because I know i'm a bit of a hen myself.

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Speaker 2: I know girls. I like, I'm a girl dad. I'm

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Speaker 2: used to that. I'm ready for that.

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Speaker 3: I feel like, yeah, yeah, you're good.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. So I like Ryan Reynolds because girl dad, this

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Speaker 2: is what I'm thinking. I've got to I've got to

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Speaker 2: tweet him. I've got to contact his publicist. We've got

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Speaker 2: to do whatever we can. Six Daughters Podcast Parenting families

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Speaker 2: like he would be so good to talk to. What

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Speaker 2: do you think should we do it? Of course I

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Speaker 2: think we should do it. That's what I'm gonna once

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Speaker 2: we finished putting this podcast together, I'm going to jump

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Speaker 2: onto Twitter and try. Okay, I'm going to try, and

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Speaker 2: they're forced be with you now. Now the topic of

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Speaker 2: our podcast today, I wonder what Ryan Reynolds would say.

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Speaker 2: The topic of our podcast is your children don't need punishment.

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Speaker 2: They need you to be responsive, They need you to

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Speaker 2: not be putting them in time out. They don't be

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Speaker 2: yelled at. Your children don't need punishment. And I just

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Speaker 2: wonder what would he agree with that? But what would

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Speaker 2: he say? I mean, I'd imagine he would say something

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Speaker 2: like Deadpool doesn't punish. Deadpool just kills people. If the

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Speaker 2: children do the wrong thing, let's just let's just go.

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Speaker 4: They just throw them up in the air and you

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Speaker 4: don't catch them.

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Speaker 2: Who needs punishment when you've got a dad like that?

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Speaker 2: So let's let's talk about this topic and we'll save

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Speaker 2: Ryan Reynolds for another day. We'll see if we can

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Speaker 2: get a scoop with Ryan Reynolds down the track. Where

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Speaker 2: do you want to start this conversation.

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Speaker 4: Well, you don't really love the phrase gentle parenting?

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Speaker 2: Oh, yes, I know. And whenever I talk about this

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Speaker 2: idea of kids not being punished, everyone says, well, that's

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Speaker 2: because you're your a gentle parent. That justin Colson Happy Families,

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Speaker 2: it's all about gentle parenting.

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Speaker 4: So why don't you like it? Like, what's wrong with

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Speaker 4: to be a gentle parent?

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Speaker 2: No, well, there's nothing the matter with being a gentle parent.

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Speaker 2: It's it's more the definition of the lack thereof of

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Speaker 2: gentle parenting. So essentially, gentle parenting is just anything that's

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Speaker 2: not traditional parenting that's kind and gentle and nice. It's

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Speaker 2: like a soft version. A lot of people see gentle

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Speaker 2: pairing as a permissive version of traditional parenting. That is,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to raise my children like everyone else raises

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Speaker 2: their kids, but I'm just not going to them into trouble.

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Speaker 2: And I'm also not getting them into trouble. But the

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Speaker 2: whole idea, the whole gentle parenting thing, it really sets

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Speaker 2: some people off. It gets some people really really annoyed

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Speaker 2: and frustrated. It's not a well defined term, so from

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Speaker 2: a research point of view, it just doesn't exist in

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Speaker 2: the academic literature because it's so loosely defined. And what

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Speaker 2: it really I think stands for is it's just a

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Speaker 2: soft kind version of the old school parenting. It's old

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Speaker 2: school parenting but without the without the disciplinary approach where

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Speaker 2: we're being punitive, and so many people think that it

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Speaker 2: means that the kids can get away with anything. So

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Speaker 2: I'm not big on gentle parenting, but I am really

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Speaker 2: big on being good to kids, making sure they've got

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Speaker 2: appropriate boundaries, but making sure that we're communicating with them

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Speaker 2: in a way that acknowledges and recognizes that they're people

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Speaker 2: and that they're having challenges. So that's the main reason

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Speaker 2: that I'm not a big fan of it.

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Speaker 4: So one of the things that we try to do

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Speaker 4: while we work with our children is not actually at

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Speaker 4: them in trouble that actually work through the challenges that

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Speaker 4: we're experiencing or they're experiencing to come to a conclusion

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Speaker 4: that will work for all a solution that will work

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Speaker 4: for all of us.

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Speaker 2: And some people would call that gentle parenting, just to

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Speaker 2: be clear, So we're not saying that it's not. I'm

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Speaker 2: just saying I struggle with the term, and I think

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Speaker 2: there are other things that we do that don't qualify

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Speaker 2: as that.

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Speaker 4: So what would you label us?

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Speaker 3: Then?

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Speaker 2: Well that's what my new books about, which we're not

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Speaker 2: going to talk about until next year. But essentially, what

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Speaker 2: we're trying to do is create an environment that supports

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Speaker 2: our children's needs so that they can do what they're

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Speaker 2: supposed to do and grow and develop mastery and do

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Speaker 2: better in their lives. But this whole idea of getting

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Speaker 2: your kids in trouble, what we've found is every time

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Speaker 2: we get the kids in trouble, we lose the relationship.

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Speaker 2: The kids feel lousy about themselves because they feel like

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Speaker 2: they're being both controlled and they feel like they're being

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Speaker 2: judged as incapable and incompetent. And so, as you said,

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Speaker 2: our goal with the children when they're doing things that

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Speaker 2: don't work is to sit with them and say, hey,

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Speaker 2: we having a hard time here. We need to work

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Speaker 2: this out. I get that you're struggling, but let's get

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Speaker 2: everyone cool. Let's get everyone into a out of the

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Speaker 2: hot emotional state that they're in because high emotions, low intelligence,

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Speaker 2: or as one of our favorite podcast listeners and Premium

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Speaker 2: Happy Families members has said, when you're on the brink,

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Speaker 2: you need to stop and think. You can't think straight

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Speaker 2: in a high emotion state, because our kids respond to

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Speaker 2: things based on what's going on in their brain and

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Speaker 2: their body before they respond to things in a rational way.

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Speaker 2: If they're really heightened, we catch their emotions, but they

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Speaker 2: blow up and we can't have useful conversations with them.

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Speaker 2: So our job really is to say, hey, let's just

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Speaker 2: be together. Let's help you to feel safe and secure,

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Speaker 2: and once you feel like that, then we can work

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Speaker 2: out a way forward. It sounds so easy in practice,

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Speaker 2: in theory, in practice, so wow, it's hard.

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Speaker 4: Just thinking about the last week and the multiple opportunities

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Speaker 4: we've had to work with our children. Some of them

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Speaker 4: haven't gone so well. And the thing that stands out

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Speaker 4: to me in each of the cases where things did

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Speaker 4: not go the way we would have wanted them to

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Speaker 4: was just that sense of injustice that the kids felt

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Speaker 4: because they felt so wrongly and harshly judged. Yeah, we

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Speaker 4: attribute the worst possible motives to our kids' behavior when

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Speaker 4: it doesn't fit in with the things that we want,

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Speaker 4: and it's in those moments that we actually need to

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Speaker 4: kind of have soft eyes and see them for the

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Speaker 4: beautiful children that they really are.

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Speaker 2: So to put that into context, what that really means

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Speaker 2: when you're saying we attribute the worst possible motives to them,

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Speaker 2: is we're walking thro the room and say, how many

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Speaker 2: times do I have to tell you? I can't believe

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Speaker 2: you're doing this again? There's something deficient about your character.

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Speaker 2: You're a problem. You're always doing this, and we call

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Speaker 2: them names, we label and we say things about them.

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Speaker 2: What is your issue is at the very heart of

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Speaker 2: what's going on here. What our kids need, as you've said,

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Speaker 2: is they need is to walk in and say, you're

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Speaker 2: really struggling at the moment, I'm here to help. Let's

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Speaker 2: get you out of the room. Let's get you away

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Speaker 2: from your sister, Let's get you away from the issue

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Speaker 2: that's being created here, and when everything's cool, we'll have

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Speaker 2: a chat. In case in point, about a week ago,

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Speaker 2: one of our kids was super, super angry at her

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Speaker 2: sister and we separated them, and then the one that

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Speaker 2: was really angry she had to go and take care

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Speaker 2: of something that was going to take her a few hours.

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Speaker 2: It was a Saturday, and she had another commitment that

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Speaker 2: was going to take her out of the house for

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Speaker 2: a few hours when I picked her up from where

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Speaker 2: she'd been, I said to her, do we need to

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Speaker 2: talk about what happened this morning? She looked at me

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Speaker 2: and said, Dad, I've had a really good opportunity to

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Speaker 2: think about it, and no, we don't need to talk

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Speaker 2: about it. And I know I need to be better

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Speaker 2: and I'm really sorry, and I'll make it right tonight

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Speaker 2: when I get home. Now, we've had ongoing incidences with

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Speaker 2: that child and her sister because they're human, they're not perfect.

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Speaker 2: They still struggle. I mean, adults still struggle. We still

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Speaker 2: struggle with our own siblings and our own parents, and

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Speaker 2: sometimes even with one another. But it's about giving them

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Speaker 2: the opportunity to have the learning to make the decision

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Speaker 2: for themselves to be better and to move things forward

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Speaker 2: in a positive and constructive way. That's the goal. Getting

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Speaker 2: them to do it, recognizing that they're going to fail,

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Speaker 2: because we all fail. But if we can do that,

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Speaker 2: I just think we get much better outcomes and they learn,

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Speaker 2: They learn to be resilient, they learn how to they

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Speaker 2: learn how to regulate, they learn how to get beyond

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Speaker 2: the challenges they're facing. Like the traditional parenting model, I

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Speaker 2: come across a great quote from Mona Dellahok. I'm hoping

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Speaker 2: to get her on the podcast and she's brilliant, and

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Speaker 2: Mona Delahook said, traditional parenting is agnostic of social emotional development.

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Speaker 2: In other words, when you're doing this standard parenting thing,

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Speaker 2: you don't really care about what's going on socially and

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Speaker 2: emotionally with your child. It's just, well, you've done the

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Speaker 2: wrong thing. You want compliance, Yeah, that's right. Now you

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Speaker 2: need to do the right thing. Whereas a more responsive

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Speaker 2: approach is where we say you've done the wrong thing,

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Speaker 2: you're really upset, Let's work through the emotional stuff first

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Speaker 2: and then we can have a logical conversation. Kind of

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Speaker 2: makes sense. I mean, if you've ever been in a

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Speaker 2: blue with an adult, there's no point trying to get

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Speaker 2: through this when you're both angry. You've got to go

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Speaker 2: and cool down before you have a sensible conversation about it.

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Speaker 2: That's really all we're talking about, and that's why I

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Speaker 2: don't think we need to punish our kids. There's no

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Speaker 2: justification for it, because once we get everyone calm, we

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Speaker 2: can have conversations, problem solve and get on with things.

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Speaker 4: The more I learn about myself and the way I

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Speaker 4: deal with things, the more I'm recognizing just how integral

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Speaker 4: learning to regulate one's emotions impacts every facet of our lives. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: and so you've obviously talked through some of the things

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Speaker 4: that we do. But if we could just break it

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Speaker 4: down into some really simple steps. When we've got kids

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Speaker 4: who are playing up, how do we teach them how

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Speaker 4: to regulate their emotions so that they can work through

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Speaker 4: those challenges in more effective ways, especially considering that as adults,

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Speaker 4: most of us actually still struggle to do this ourselves.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and that was going to be the first thing

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Speaker 2: We've actually got to model it. We've got to be

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Speaker 2: a good example of emotional and control ourselves. And I know,

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Speaker 2: I mean I'll speak really personally, encounteredly. When I'm tired

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Speaker 2: and the kids are going nuts, I just don't do

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Speaker 2: as well. I'm much more likely to be volatile, to

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Speaker 2: be frustrated, to be loud or even explosive and say

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Speaker 2: that's it. I've had a laugh. This is ridiculous, because

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Speaker 2: when we're tired and when we're hungry, when we're at

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Speaker 2: the end of our tether, we just can't seem to

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Speaker 2: do it nearly as well, so number one, we've got

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Speaker 2: to keep it together ourselves, because emotions are contagious. High emotions,

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Speaker 2: low intelligence. Once we're keeping it together. There's a question

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Speaker 2: that I've started asking myself just in the last few weeks,

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Speaker 2: and I think it's really powerful. How do I not

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Speaker 2: add to my child's suffering right now? So when children

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Speaker 2: are playing up, when they're behaving in challenging ways, it's

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Speaker 2: because they're experiencing a challenge, they're experiencing hardship, they're experiencing

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Speaker 2: difficulty to take it to an extreme, perhaps they're experiencing suffering.

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Speaker 2: So I try to remember to ask myself, how can

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Speaker 2: you not add to her suffering? Like, what can you do?

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Speaker 2: How can you approach her in a way that will

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Speaker 2: not make things worse for her? Because high emotions, low intelligence.

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Speaker 2: When you're on the brink, you need to stop and think,

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Speaker 2: we've got to pull things down. Emotions contagious. Once I've

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Speaker 2: asked that question, I step in with much softer eyes,

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Speaker 2: with a much more gentle and compassionate heart, and with

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Speaker 2: a desire to help not hurt. At which point you

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Speaker 2: separate the kids or you move them away from whatever

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Speaker 2: it is that's causing the ruckus and say you have

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Speaker 2: a really tough time. I'm not going to say anything

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Speaker 2: to you. Just now, let's just go for a walk.

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Speaker 2: Let's get you outside, Let's get you in a different

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Speaker 2: environment where we can take a few deep breaths, and

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Speaker 2: we'll deal with this a little bit later. Let's just

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Speaker 2: get out out of the conflict situation. And I think

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Speaker 2: that's actually enough because once you're out of the conflict situation,

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Speaker 2: maybe you wait thirty seconds, maybe you wait thirty minutes,

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Speaker 2: maybe you wait three hours, but then you can come

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Speaker 2: back to it when everyone's in an emotionally cool state

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Speaker 2: and say, hmm, let's figure this out. That that's the

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Speaker 2: approach we're looking for. That's the outcome we try to achieve.

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Speaker 4: What I love about this is when things don't work

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Speaker 4: out like that, things escalate. They go from being hot

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Speaker 4: to like boiling point very very quickly. But not only

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Speaker 4: it does do things escalate usually between the two people

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Speaker 4: that have started or instigated the struggle, but then you

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Speaker 4: get involved, and often if there's another parent in the house,

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Speaker 4: they get involved, and before you know it, you've got

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Speaker 4: four or five people at top end emotions struggling to

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Speaker 4: kind of work through this. Whereas, as you've talked about,

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Speaker 4: I guess a better, better way of doing things says,

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Speaker 4: I'm listening to you share all of that. I'm thinking

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Speaker 4: about the times where it hasn't worked out like that

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Speaker 4: and watched the climate in the house go from two

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Speaker 4: children having an argument to now mom and dad being

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Speaker 4: involved and heightened emotions on all levels, and it just

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Speaker 4: escalates out of control very very quickly. Whereas, if we

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Speaker 4: can take a step back and try that approach, as

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Speaker 4: you've kind of articulated it so beautifully, what happens is

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Speaker 4: we discharge the antagonism and anger in the room instead

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Speaker 4: of adding to it, instead of having everything explode disportionately,

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Speaker 4: we actually calm everything down and give it the space

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Speaker 4: that it needs for everybody to start to think clearly

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Speaker 4: and work through it at a much more intelligent leafs

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Speaker 4: of thinking.

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Speaker 2: And that's the secret. That's what we're trying to do.

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Speaker 2: We've got a free course available to help you to

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Speaker 2: do that. It's called the Timeout Alternative. It's a seven

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Speaker 2: day course, ten minutes a day or you've got to

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Speaker 2: it's normally seventy four bucks. That's what we're going to

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Speaker 2: be charging for it. But it's free for a limited

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Speaker 2: time only. Or you've got to do to find out

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Speaker 2: about it is go to doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families

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Speaker 2: on Facebook and we would love to give you access

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Speaker 2: to it so you can stop getting kids in trouble

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Speaker 2: and work through, workout problem solve together with your kids.

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Speaker 2: Have a look at it. I think that you're going

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Speaker 2: to find so much that will help you in our

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Speaker 2: free seven day course, the Timeout Alternative. All the details

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Speaker 2: at doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families. I'm going to go

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Speaker 2: and jump onto Twitter right now, try and get hold

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Speaker 2: of Ryan Reynolds, see if he'll come on the podcast

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Speaker 2: with us, wish me luck.

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Speaker 4: Or just let them know that miss missus Happy Families

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Speaker 4: wants to talk to him.

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Speaker 2: All right, Okay, no, no, I'm not going to let

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Speaker 2: you do. I do all the interviews on this podcast.

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Speaker 2: I do the interviews, and that's the way it's going

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Speaker 2: to stay, especially with Ryan Renolds. Hey tomorrow, I'll do

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Speaker 2: better tomorrow. Please join us. Then, thank you so much

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Speaker 2: for listening to the podcast. We hope it's been helpful.

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Speaker 2: The Happy Families Podcast as always produced by Justin Rouland

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Speaker 2: from Bridge Media, Craig Bruce our executive producer for more.

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Speaker 2: If I visit us at happy families dot com, do

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Speaker 2: you