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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just

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Speaker 2: once answers.

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Speaker 3: Now, it's been a really big year on the Happy

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Speaker 3: Families podcast. As we move towards a conclusion for the year,

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Speaker 3: we thought that it might be interesting to have a

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Speaker 3: look at our biggest podcast of the year, Kylie. Number

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Speaker 3: of downloads this year approximately, did I tell you four million?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: Actually it's higher. Wow, We're not for four point five

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Speaker 3: million downloads for the year. That's why we're celebrating, I

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Speaker 3: think so. I mean, if you do the maths on that,

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Speaker 3: let's say it's close en up to five million, five

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Speaker 3: million across fifty weeks. It's one hundred thousand downloads a week.

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Speaker 3: It's a lot of downloads. We're talking about lots and

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Speaker 3: lots of people listening to the podcast, which means we're

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Speaker 3: adding value to people's lives. Today, we wanted to talk

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Speaker 3: to you about the most value adding podcasts we've done

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Speaker 3: all year. That is the podcast that you listen to

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Speaker 3: the most because obviously they made the biggest impact, the

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Speaker 3: biggest difference, the biggest change in your family. So we're

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Speaker 3: going to count down five four three two one our

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Speaker 3: fifth most listened to podcast this year.

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Speaker 2: Was number seven hundred and six was a review of

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Speaker 2: gentle Parenting. You had a conversation with doctor Mona Dellahook.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, we talked about what gentle parenting is. She actually

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Speaker 3: doesn't like the term gentle parenting. It's not very well defined,

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Speaker 3: so she calls it responsive parenting. And I really liked

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Speaker 3: what she said here.

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Speaker 1: When certain people heard the word gentle parenting. And it's

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Speaker 1: not just my book. There's been quite a few books

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Speaker 1: in the last you know, five or so years on

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Speaker 1: this kind of new way of parenting as opposed to

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Speaker 1: maybe what we would think about as traditional parenting. Right,

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Speaker 1: so we might think of traditional parenting as more authoritarian,

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Speaker 1: and that would include maybe the parents as the ultimate experts,

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Speaker 1: and it might include punishments or rewards, but it would

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Speaker 1: kind of focus on behaviors, on surface behaviors, and parents

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Speaker 1: kind of judging behaviors is good or bad and then

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Speaker 1: having a certain response to those behaviors. And so the

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Speaker 1: word gentle parenting really doesn't describe a certain parenting style.

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Speaker 1: I think it's more of a catch all phrase for

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Speaker 1: this new type of parenting. And as you know, coming

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Speaker 1: out of the positive psychology movement in the nineteen nineties,

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Speaker 1: positive parenting has come on board, and that is, I

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Speaker 1: think a reaction that parents have to maybe the way

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Speaker 1: they were raised or their grandparents were raised right, which

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Speaker 1: wasn't very steeped in a knowledge of child development and

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Speaker 1: emotional literacy and all that good stuff. One article that

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Speaker 1: was written about gentle parenting said something like, so are

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Speaker 1: these gentle parents never saying no? And are these gentle

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Speaker 1: parents letting their kids throw rocks at cars as they

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Speaker 1: drive by? You know? And there is I think this

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Speaker 1: this conception that gentle parenting is parenting that is coddling

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Speaker 1: or never or doesn't have any sort of boundaries, and

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Speaker 1: that's really not the case. But people I think who

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Speaker 1: are concerned that parenting approaches don't have a level of

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Speaker 1: boundaries and parents as the guide and as the authority,

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Speaker 1: mistake that word. So it's not coddling in my opinion.

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Speaker 1: And the research that I'm particularly interested in and wrote

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Speaker 1: my book about is actually i sub a topic of

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Speaker 1: gentle parenting, which is responsive parenting that's linked in the

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Speaker 1: literature to a lot of great things, a lot of

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Speaker 1: great pieces of development, especially resilience.

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Speaker 2: You also touched on the math of gentle parenting taking

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Speaker 2: more time than normal parenting.

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Speaker 1: This doesn't necessarily take longer once you get into the

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Speaker 1: hang of it. It actually helps children develop more cooperation.

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Speaker 1: So while it sounds like labor intensive in the beginning,

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Speaker 1: the main thing is our mind shift. Because when a

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Speaker 1: child sees a soft look on your face when they're

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Speaker 1: refusing to put their shoes and socks on, and they

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Speaker 1: see you go from saying hurry up, we gotta go

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Speaker 1: out the door where you're gonna be late to school,

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Speaker 1: to oh, sweetheart, these getting these shoes and socks on,

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Speaker 1: and then now we got to we're rushing so fast,

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Speaker 1: mommy or daddy. I'm being really really rough right now.

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Speaker 1: I'm really kind of yelling and I'm upset. You know what,

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Speaker 1: Let's slow things down for a second and then look

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Speaker 1: at them with care and concern. It's amazing how that

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Speaker 1: emotional contagion of calmness helps children calm. So it's not

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Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily take more time, but I think it also

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Speaker 1: takes a mind shift.

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Speaker 3: That was episodes seven hundred and six, a review of

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Speaker 3: gentle Parenting with doctor Mona Dellahook and the fifth most

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Speaker 3: listened to podcast episode of our entire year, Our number four.

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Speaker 2: Was all about family a goal setting.

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Speaker 3: Who would have thought goal setting was that cool that

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Speaker 3: everybody wanted to listen to podcast episodes About that, we shared.

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Speaker 2: Some personal insights into our girls and their idea of

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Speaker 2: setting goals to start running and increase their fitness at

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Speaker 2: the start of the year.

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Speaker 3: It started, well, I've got to say we didn't follow

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Speaker 3: up as well as we probably should have, and well,

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Speaker 3: the best way to set goals is to start from

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Speaker 3: the bottom up, and I want to share a clip

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Speaker 3: from that in just a sec. There's also going to

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Speaker 3: be follow up, and we didn't talk much about follow

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Speaker 3: up because well, we didn't do a.

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Speaker 4: Lot of follow up.

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Speaker 3: But we are seeing progress and I'm excited to use

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Speaker 3: what we talked about in episode six seventy three about

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Speaker 3: film goal setting to recalibrate for twenty twenty four.

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Speaker 4: His what we had to say about.

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Speaker 3: This family goals start best bottom up, and I think

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Speaker 3: the best way to get a bottom up conversation going

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Speaker 3: about goals is to sit down with the kids and

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Speaker 3: have one of those family meetings. We've talked about it

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Speaker 3: so many times on the podcast. We ask three questions

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Speaker 3: what's going great, what's not going so well? What should

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Speaker 3: we focus on? And just by asking those three questions,

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Speaker 3: you're basically saying to the kids, all right, we're doing

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Speaker 3: a whole lot of stuff really well, handful of things

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Speaker 3: that we can improve on. If we were to improve

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Speaker 3: on one or two of those things, what would they be.

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Speaker 3: And that's essentially where we've come to with our kids'

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Speaker 3: fitness goals. They've decided that health and fitness needs to

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Speaker 3: be a higher priority. I asked them what they wanted

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Speaker 3: in terms of their goals. They want to be able

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Speaker 3: to run five k's in less than thirty minutes, and

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Speaker 3: so now we're creating a system around that to get

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Speaker 3: to that goal.

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Speaker 4: And that's pretty much it.

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Speaker 3: Kylie, what else would you add to a conversation about

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Speaker 3: how to set family goals other than saying, hey, kids,

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Speaker 3: what do you think? And then how do we set

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Speaker 3: up a system around that?

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Speaker 2: I think one of the most important things when it

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Speaker 2: comes to goal setting is there needs to be accountability.

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Speaker 2: There needs to be check in points or else where.

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Speaker 2: Just having a conversation about something that we'd like to

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Speaker 2: see happen, but that there isn't any intention set on

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Speaker 2: how we can record progress, how we can actually acknowledge progress.

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Speaker 2: And without the recognition of progress, it's really hard for

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Speaker 2: motivation to stay high and for our desires to continue

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Speaker 2: to improve. The podcast that comes in at number three

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Speaker 2: was six hundred and seventy four and it was all

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Speaker 2: about the power of habits.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so we were talking about the twenty mile March,

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Speaker 3: the habit that you can create every day that will

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Speaker 3: help to make you a better parent.

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Speaker 2: Honestly, when you say it, it seems like it's too easy.

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Speaker 2: It actually seems like it's too easy, and therefore it's

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Speaker 2: not going to work.

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Speaker 3: It's kind of like writing a book. Though. If I

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Speaker 3: get up every day and I write a certain number

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Speaker 3: of words, within a couple of months, the book is written.

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Speaker 3: I've got to do all the research, I've got to

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Speaker 3: do all the planning, but just writing those words every

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Speaker 3: day and suddenly you've written a book, an entire book

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Speaker 3: that you've written.

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Speaker 4: It's phenomenal.

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Speaker 3: How that works. Parenting's the same. It's just that the

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Speaker 3: metrics aren't quite as obvious. Like you can't get up

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Speaker 3: and run five k's every day and say, all right,

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Speaker 3: I'm going to be a good parent because I ran

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Speaker 3: my five k's, but that five K run metaphorically is

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Speaker 3: when the kids are angry, I don't shout, or when

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Speaker 3: I need to.

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Speaker 4: Talk to my children, I walk into.

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Speaker 3: The room and I meet their eyes, or I mean,

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Speaker 3: pick your thing, whatever it is that you want to change,

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Speaker 3: It's about getting it right today, but also tomorrow and

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Speaker 3: also the day after, and getting it right every single

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Speaker 3: flipping day for twenty years until they finally are adults

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Speaker 3: and you've gotten to write consistently. Is that ongoing investment,

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Speaker 3: creating the habit. That's how we make our families function.

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Speaker 3: That's how we become better parents. I really really like

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Speaker 3: that episode. I think there's so much there as families

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Speaker 3: try to get things together and make things work.

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Speaker 2: Number two, We're getting close. Number two was all about

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Speaker 2: managing fatigue.

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Speaker 4: It's the podcast every parent needs, because every parent it's

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Speaker 4: just so I mean, I'm tired. It's the end of

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Speaker 4: the year.

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Speaker 2: I'm always going to say, how do you feel like

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Speaker 2: we've done managing the fatigue this year?

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Speaker 4: Reasonably?

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Speaker 5: Well?

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Speaker 4: Reasonably? Well, Look, there was something that you said.

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Speaker 3: You were talking about you and your friends talking about

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Speaker 3: how your exhaustion was at an all time high.

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Speaker 2: You know, I've been having conversations with lots of people

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Speaker 2: about this lately because I am feeling exhausted. I feel

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Speaker 2: like I've hit rock bottom in a way that I've

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Speaker 2: never hit before. I can hear it in your voice,

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Speaker 2: and there's just this acknowledgment that you know, we have

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Speaker 2: been through some of the hardest couple of years, not

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Speaker 2: collectively as a human race, dealing with just so much

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Speaker 2: uncertainty and stress and anxiety around you know, COVID and

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Speaker 2: jobs and you know whether or not there's enough food

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Speaker 2: on the shelves at the shops. There's just been so

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Speaker 2: much to deal.

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Speaker 3: With, and now we're dealing with the economic insecurity of

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Speaker 3: interest rate hikes and so.

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Speaker 2: On, and all of that insecurity and instability has taken

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Speaker 2: a physical and mental toll on everybody.

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Speaker 3: So I reckon, though, Kylie, that we were tired before COVID,

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Speaker 3: Like I think part of the condition.

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Speaker 2: As a parent specifically, I mean, I think tiredness is

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Speaker 2: across the board everybody. Everybody experiences it to some level.

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Speaker 2: But as a parent, I think that you know, you

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Speaker 2: sign up for a lifetime.

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Speaker 3: So do you remember when we had little kids? Do

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Speaker 3: you remember how how tiring. It was when we had

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Speaker 3: kids that were like one and two and three.

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Speaker 2: I was so exhausted that I would often wake up

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Speaker 2: at about one o'clock in the morning, still on the ground,

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Speaker 2: after having tried to pad off a child and wondering

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Speaker 2: why you hadn't come and woken me up to take

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Speaker 2: me to bed because you had fallen asleep in bed

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Speaker 2: waiting for.

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Speaker 3: Me, or patting another child off in another room or

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Speaker 3: something like that. I mean, you were so tired when

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Speaker 3: you were pregnant with our second child. We had like

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Speaker 3: a two and a half year old pregnant with our

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Speaker 3: second one, and we were at a Billy Joel concert

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Speaker 3: Brisbane and attainment center, like in two thousand and I

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Speaker 3: guess two thousand and one, two thousand and two, and.

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Speaker 4: You fell asleep, fell asleep in a rock concert. That's

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Speaker 4: so exhaustion is.

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Speaker 3: But so how do we manage fatigue as a parent?

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Speaker 3: How do we get the balance right? Before we share

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Speaker 3: some solutions, I want to share one quick metaphor that

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Speaker 3: I found really useful, and that is the metaphor of

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Speaker 3: a tightrope walker. So I don't think that a tightrope

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Speaker 3: walker is ever what you might call perfectly balanced. Instead,

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Speaker 3: they were in a process of constantly balancing, always adjusting,

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Speaker 3: moving a bit to the left, a little bit to

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Speaker 3: the right as they move make their way across the tightrope,

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Speaker 3: and the eye energy on the end of.

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Speaker 4: The word tells us it's active.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a process. It's something that we have to

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Speaker 3: be continually doing. I think that's why it's exhausting trying

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Speaker 3: to get this balance right. It's never quite right, but

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Speaker 3: we're always in the process of balancing.

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Speaker 2: I just love that metaphor because when I think about,

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Speaker 2: you know, family life in general, whether it's dealing with

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Speaker 2: fatigue or you know, kind of dealing with children's behavior

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Speaker 2: challenges or eating, whatever it is, it's constantly changing. Just

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Speaker 2: when you think you've got the mix right, just when

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Speaker 2: you feel like you're spot on, everything's going right, which

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Speaker 2: is that whole balance right, You're on the tightrope and

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Speaker 2: you feel like, oh, I've got.

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Speaker 4: This, I've got Oh no, I don't. Well, I sway

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Speaker 4: to the other side every now.

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Speaker 3: And again, I'm feeling balanced, and then one of the

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Speaker 3: kids will come and say, Dad.

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Speaker 2: That's exactly right. And there's just there's so many moving.

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Speaker 4: Parts and we talked about three pillars of managing fatigue.

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Speaker 2: Solution number one it was getting more sleep.

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Speaker 4: We're doing okay with that, but it's.

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Speaker 2: Just well, I did fall asleep before you putting the

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Speaker 2: kids to bed last night.

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Speaker 3: Actually had and rescue you because I fell asleep and

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Speaker 3: discovered when I woke up thinking my bed doesn't feel right.

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Speaker 4: You were in bed with one of the kids.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if that counts as getting more sleep

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Speaker 2: when you actually fall asleep in the middle of doing something.

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Speaker 3: Solution number two was improving diet. Hey, we're making this

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Speaker 3: progress there. Hopefully twenty twenty four will be good for that. Well,

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Speaker 3: you're looking at me, funny. I haven't eaten any rubbish

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Speaker 3: food like I'm fully off processed sugary snack treat sort

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Speaker 3: of stuff except on day starting with their sweet on

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Speaker 3: day starting with this.

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Speaker 4: Only, and I think I'm doing really well with that.

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Speaker 2: I think you are too.

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Speaker 4: Thank you.

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Speaker 2: And number three was a tension management.

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Speaker 4: It was a great podcast episode.

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Speaker 3: We're not going to talk about any more of that

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Speaker 3: right now because we need to get to number one,

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Speaker 3: but if you want to check it out, our second

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Speaker 3: most listened to podcasts of the year, Managing Fatigue, episode

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Speaker 3: number six hundred and seventy nine.

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Speaker 4: Kylie, let's do it number one, number one.

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Speaker 2: What do you think it is?

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Speaker 4: Well, I know what it is because I put this together.

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Speaker 4: You're so funny. You're so funny.

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Speaker 3: I love that you asked me that that's so cool.

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Speaker 2: Well, it was all about diffusing explosive children.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, great conversation. In fact, it was a two parter,

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Speaker 3: but the second part, I guess didn't quite make it

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Speaker 3: in the top five.

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Speaker 4: It was still in the top ten. But I had

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Speaker 4: a chat with the.

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Speaker 3: Author of a book called The Explosive Child, Dr Ross Green.

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Speaker 2: He is just a that's a title that's going to

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Speaker 2: get people wanting to read.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's great title of a book, but it's also

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Speaker 3: a really, really great book. And he and we have

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Speaker 3: different ways of expressing the same thing. And some people

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Speaker 3: they really love what I do. Some people they really

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Speaker 3: love what Ross does. But he's just such a lovely guy.

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Speaker 3: We talked about how his parents we need to keep

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Speaker 3: our emotions in chair so that we can help our

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Speaker 3: children in a useful way.

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Speaker 5: Emotion regulation is huge. Life is full of anxieties and

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Speaker 5: frustrations and sadness. These are all good emotions because they

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Speaker 5: can prepare tell us into action, says the research. But

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Speaker 5: the other thing the research says is that if we

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Speaker 5: feel those emotions too strongly, they can shut us down

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Speaker 5: and make it harder for us to think. So those

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Speaker 5: are the global skills. The research has identified literally hundreds

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Speaker 5: of skills frequently found lacking in kids with social, emotional,

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Speaker 5: and behavioral challenges. Why do I say kids do all

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Speaker 5: if they can, Because if you have those skills, you're

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Speaker 5: probably doing pretty well, and if you don't, you'd very

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Speaker 5: much like to be doing well, but something's getting in

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Speaker 5: your way.

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Speaker 2: This interview was really helpful, and I have found as

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Speaker 2: I've tried to I'm going to say, I'm going to

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Speaker 2: use the word master, I'm not even close to being there,

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Speaker 2: but recognizing just how powerful it is to keep my

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Speaker 2: emotion in checks as I'm trying to deal with children's

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Speaker 2: big emotions has played a huge part in some of

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Speaker 2: our most successful moments as parents. This year, we.

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Speaker 3: Also talked about ways that we can work with a

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Speaker 3: child that struggles with psychological flexibility.

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Speaker 5: I don't know if that is a skill that can

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Speaker 5: be taught through direct instruction, though I know many people try.

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Speaker 5: I think it is a skill that is taught more

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Speaker 5: through a process, and the process that we use to

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Speaker 5: enhance that skill is problem solving, solving problems collaboratively. So

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Speaker 5: let me just rewind the tape a second. The kids

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Speaker 5: who we're thinking about right now don't look bad all

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Speaker 5: the time. They only look bad some of the time.

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Speaker 5: When do they look bad when expectations are being placed

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Speaker 5: upon them that they're having difficulty meeting. That could be

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Speaker 5: anything from difficulty turning off the xbox to come in

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Speaker 5: for dinner, to difficulty getting out of bed by seven

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Speaker 5: am to go to school, to difficulty eating what mom

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Speaker 5: or dad has made for dinner. Those are all expectations.

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Speaker 5: If a kid is having difficulty meeting and expectation, we

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Speaker 5: have a problem that needs to be solved. We call

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Speaker 5: those unsolved problems. And as you know, but maybe some

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Speaker 5: of your listeners don't, the collaborative and proactive solutions model

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Speaker 5: articulates a very systematic way of solving problems collaboratively and

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Speaker 5: proactively with kids. So the good news is that once

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Speaker 5: a problem is solved, it doesn't cause concerning behavior anymore.

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Speaker 5: That's good both the problem is solved and the concerning

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Speaker 5: behavior has subsided. Both very good things, but the process

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Speaker 5: of solving problems with kids collaboratively and outside the heat

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Speaker 5: of the moment proactively also gives kids practice at models

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Speaker 5: for them and enhances the very skills that they're lacking.

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Speaker 5: So now to your question. In the case of flexibility adaptive,

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Speaker 5: Let's say we've got a kid who's a very concrete, literal,

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Speaker 5: black and white, rigid thinker. They've already got the solution

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Speaker 5: of that problem, right, but we don't want to hear

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Speaker 5: about their solution yet. We want to hear what's making

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Speaker 5: it hard for them to meet the expectation. First, it

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Speaker 5: would sound like this, I've noticed you've been having difficulty

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Speaker 5: brushing your teeth before going to bed at night. What's up.

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Speaker 5: That's the beginning of the first of the three steps

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Speaker 5: that are involved in solving a problem collaboratively. Let's say

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Speaker 5: this very rigid kid then says, oh, no, no, no, I'm

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Speaker 5: in trouble brushing my teeth before I go to bed

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Speaker 5: at night. I've got my way of doing it, and

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Speaker 5: that's my way of doing it. That's not any typical response, right.

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Speaker 5: The parent would then say, yes, but I'm interested in

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Speaker 5: knowing what's hard for you about meeting that expectation. Now

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Speaker 5: we're on a different subject. Now we're not on the

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Speaker 5: kid's solution. Now we've rewound the tape a little bit.

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Speaker 5: It back to what's making it hard for them. In

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Speaker 5: the second step, the adult is entering their concern into

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Speaker 5: consideration why we think it's important that the expectation be met.

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Speaker 5: In the third step, we're putting our heads together and

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Speaker 5: collaborating on a solution, but one that addresses the concerns

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Speaker 5: of both parties. So what happened in that process for

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Speaker 5: that kid number one? They felt heard this is not

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Speaker 5: my solution versus your solution. It's let's hear your concerns.

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Speaker 5: Let's hear what's getting in your way. Then I'm going

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Speaker 5: to tell you my concerns. So we're listening to each other,

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Speaker 5: we're modeling, we're practicing, listening, empathizing, taking another person's perspective.

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Speaker 5: And then when we get to that third step and

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Speaker 5: we discover that the kid's original solution and the adult's

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Speaker 5: original solution could not conceivably address the concern of both parties,

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Speaker 5: and that we need a different solution, Well, the kid

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Speaker 5: has just gotten one rep in the skill of flexibility, adaptability,

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Speaker 5: also one rep on problem solving, one rep on frustration tolerance.

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Speaker 5: And if we did this proactively instead of the heat

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Speaker 5: of the moment, probably some skills that are going to

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Speaker 5: help them regulate their emotions down the road if we

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Speaker 5: get them good enough at this. So in answer to

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Speaker 5: your question, I told you it was going to take

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Speaker 5: a while. How do you teach skills when you're implementing

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Speaker 5: collaborative and practice solutions by solving problems collaboratively and proactively,

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Speaker 5: just by engaging kids in that process, we model practice

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Speaker 5: and enhance those skills. I should mention one other thing.

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Speaker 5: It's not just the kid who's getting practice at those skills.

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Speaker 2: This was such a fantastic episode and I can see

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Speaker 2: alright it was.

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Speaker 4: Number one, Yeah, number seven, twenty one.

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Speaker 3: If you want to go back and have a listen,

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Speaker 3: We will put all the details for these episodes in

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Speaker 3: the show notes because they will make your family happier. Hey,

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Speaker 3: we so appreciate that you've listened to today's podcast.

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Speaker 4: Thank you for joining us.

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Speaker 3: Tomorrow, I want to share with you one of the

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Speaker 3: most important articles that I've read this year to.

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Speaker 4: Help make your family happier. Join us for the podcast tomorrow,

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Speaker 4: It's been a big year.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a lot of good work that's been done

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Speaker 3: and a lot of families that have been helped. We

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Speaker 3: so appreciate your feedback as well podcasts at Happy families

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Speaker 3: dot com dot au. The Happy Family's podcast is produced

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Speaker 3: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our

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Speaker 3: executive producer. Like I said, tomorrow a really important episode

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Speaker 3: about making your family happy across summer based on one

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Speaker 3: of the most important articles that I've read this year.

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Speaker 3: And for more information about making your family happier, don't

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Speaker 3: just listen to the podcast, visit our website, Happy families

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Speaker 3: dot com dot you and become a Happy Family's member

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Speaker 3: today