1 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:07,160 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:10,200 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. 3 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:14,880 Speaker 2: Now, what's happened with Paulina's experience with her son is 4 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,160 Speaker 2: We're in a hurry. I need to be efficient. I 5 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:19,639 Speaker 2: know that you want to do things your way, but 6 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,040 Speaker 2: let's turn it into a competition. But it's normal and 7 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 2: natural for boys to be competitive, and it's also normal 8 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,200 Speaker 2: and natural for parents to be saying hurry up. 9 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,760 Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum 10 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:30,320 Speaker 1: and dad. 11 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,440 Speaker 2: Each Tuesday on the Happy Families podcast, we do our 12 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:36,880 Speaker 2: best to spend some time responding to listen to questions. 13 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,400 Speaker 2: You can email your questions to podcasts that's podcasts with 14 00:00:40,479 --> 00:00:45,960 Speaker 2: an s podcasts at happy families dot com dot au. Kylie, 15 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,760 Speaker 2: m um to our six kids, me doctor Justin Colson, 16 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,519 Speaker 2: author of a whole bunch of books about making your 17 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,640 Speaker 2: family happier, and dad to those same six kids. Here's 18 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:57,760 Speaker 2: the question that we have. It begins so nicely, Kylie, Hi, 19 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,240 Speaker 2: doctor Justin, and Kylie. So I'd like to say start 20 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,960 Speaker 2: by saying, I'm fully committed to totally binging your podcast 21 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,720 Speaker 2: at the moment went all the way back to episode 22 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,399 Speaker 2: one and have been listening to it all from the beginning. 23 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,440 Speaker 2: I'm obsessed, Kylie. I don't know that we actually need 24 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:12,760 Speaker 2: to even answered this question. Surely after listening to something 25 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:15,680 Speaker 2: like seven hundred episodes, if you're not a parenting expert, 26 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:16,400 Speaker 2: b now, I no, don't know. 27 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,040 Speaker 3: If she's gone back to number one. She hasn't even 28 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,679 Speaker 3: got to me. She hasn't heard the expert. 29 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:22,920 Speaker 2: Hey, it'd be really interesting to go back to those 30 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,480 Speaker 2: early podcasts of yours when you're just beginning. We should 31 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 2: do that and do a replay compared then and now 32 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:29,919 Speaker 2: it's been three years. 33 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:31,240 Speaker 3: That's scary. 34 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:36,240 Speaker 2: Let's move on with the requests our from Pauline, who says, 35 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,480 Speaker 2: listening to your podcast, I have been more intentional with 36 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:44,040 Speaker 2: my family and couldn't help. But notice we have unknowingly 37 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:48,720 Speaker 2: caused our four year old son to stress. We have 38 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,520 Speaker 2: had a few issues in the past with emotional regulation, 39 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,440 Speaker 2: but it has been brought back to our attention by 40 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,400 Speaker 2: his preschool. He rushes through coloring in and tracing tasks. 41 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,760 Speaker 2: He's on edge and often up being physical with other kids. 42 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,960 Speaker 2: As I'm reflecting on our parenting with my son leaving 43 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,400 Speaker 2: the preschool after a little chat with a teacher at pickup, 44 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,360 Speaker 2: I'll often say to him, let's see who can get 45 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,600 Speaker 2: to the gate first, And in that instant I realized 46 00:02:15,639 --> 00:02:19,120 Speaker 2: what I'd done. I've instilled in him the need to 47 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,840 Speaker 2: move along fast at everything. Everything was a competition, rushed 48 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,960 Speaker 2: or on a time limit. We had used races and 49 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,600 Speaker 2: time limits to get him through tasks for as long 50 00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:30,840 Speaker 2: as we can remember. Let's see how fast you can 51 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,280 Speaker 2: put your shoes on. Who can get to the gate first. 52 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:35,960 Speaker 2: Let's time how long it takes to get in the shower, 53 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,000 Speaker 2: and see if we can do it faster than yesterday. 54 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,440 Speaker 2: Are just a few examples. Or to encourage him to 55 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:44,839 Speaker 2: get tasks done without realizing how this could potentially impact him. 56 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,600 Speaker 2: We would lean on this approach every time we had 57 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:51,200 Speaker 2: any pushback from him with the task, innocently trying to 58 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,200 Speaker 2: make the task fun or appealing to him. When he 59 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,679 Speaker 2: engages in independent play, he's very focused. He can sit 60 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,000 Speaker 2: patiently in group times and other activities. There are no 61 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:03,040 Speaker 2: concerns about learning to difficulties. We do, however, notice tasks 62 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:06,080 Speaker 2: and competitive play can become problematic. He ruteous tweets so 63 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:07,840 Speaker 2: he can be the first one on the play equipment 64 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 2: needs to make everything a race or a competition. He 65 00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:13,280 Speaker 2: gets his flood of excitement and expresses it physically with 66 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,200 Speaker 2: his friends and often takes it too far. Paulina finally says, 67 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:21,919 Speaker 2: we have implemented some breathing techniques, incorporating squeezing pillows or 68 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,520 Speaker 2: plush toys when he feels the need to use his 69 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,320 Speaker 2: body to express excitement, we want him to not hurt 70 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,120 Speaker 2: his friends. What I would love to know is have 71 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,079 Speaker 2: we created an over competitive child, and if so, how 72 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 2: do we undo this habit that we've instilled Or is 73 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,800 Speaker 2: this something that requires more support from an occupational therapist? 74 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:40,320 Speaker 2: Maybe so, Kylie Paulina has a question, she has a problem. 75 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 2: She's realizing this is an SOS. Yeah, maybe we're pushing 76 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,960 Speaker 2: a little bit help too fast. The first thing that 77 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:49,520 Speaker 2: I need to emphasize is that for an issue like this, 78 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,119 Speaker 2: we do not need at this point an occupational therapist. 79 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,320 Speaker 2: Occupational therapists do really important work. They do great work, 80 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 2: But in this instance, with a child who's four years old, 81 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 2: who's competitive, using their body a little bit too much 82 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,880 Speaker 2: and is used to being rushed, this isn't an ot issue. 83 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,640 Speaker 2: This is something that we can easily resolve in the family. 84 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:13,320 Speaker 3: I think the next thing is Mum, stop feeling so guilty. 85 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,520 Speaker 3: You can feel the weight on her shoulders because she 86 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:19,560 Speaker 3: feels like she's done the wrong thing. What she's like, 87 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,760 Speaker 3: what she has been intentional about, is making things fun. 88 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,839 Speaker 3: And that's such a beautiful thing to be able to 89 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 3: do as a parent. Everything doesn't have to be serious 90 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:29,400 Speaker 3: and boring. 91 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:30,920 Speaker 2: I want to come back to that in a sec 92 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,320 Speaker 2: but I really just want to sit for a moment 93 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,279 Speaker 2: on your first point. I think there's a lot of 94 00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:40,320 Speaker 2: wisdom here. When we realize that we've done something that 95 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 2: isn't necessarily in our kids' best interests. Sometimes we feel 96 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,039 Speaker 2: so much guilt and so much anxiety that we either 97 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:52,400 Speaker 2: overcorrect or we kind of get stuck and paralyzed as 98 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:55,280 Speaker 2: we try to analyze what we've done and Okay, well 99 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:57,080 Speaker 2: where do I go next? What am I supposed to do? 100 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,480 Speaker 2: And I just want to emphasiz what you've said and 101 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:05,240 Speaker 2: highlight this isn't an emergency. This isn't a cause to 102 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:09,080 Speaker 2: doubt yourself, feel guilty, or think that the world is 103 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 2: crashing in Nor is it a knee that there's no 104 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,719 Speaker 2: need to bring in outside help. We can work on 105 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 2: this in really healthy, productive ways. And I love your 106 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:20,719 Speaker 2: second point. I love this second point that much of this, 107 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 2: let's be honest, much of pauline As email is about 108 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,920 Speaker 2: we are trying to get things done expediently. We're trying 109 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 2: to get things done efficiently. We just need our four 110 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:29,400 Speaker 2: year old to listen. 111 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,880 Speaker 3: Two year old, three year old four They don't do 112 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:36,560 Speaker 3: anything fast. Usually their goal is to look at every 113 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,240 Speaker 3: conceivable perspective. 114 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,800 Speaker 2: I remember one day, book around the room weaving. We're 115 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 2: leaving swimming lessons, and one of our kids was walking 116 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,080 Speaker 2: beside me, and I've got a photo of this on 117 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,680 Speaker 2: my phone. As we were walking out of the swimming lessons, 118 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,480 Speaker 2: she stopped because she was three years old, and there 119 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:57,080 Speaker 2: were some flowers beside the footpath moving from the swimming 120 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,000 Speaker 2: lessons to the car park, and she was putting her 121 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 2: knows her face into the flowers. She was trying to 122 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:06,000 Speaker 2: smell these flowers. And I literally said, without thinking, it 123 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,719 Speaker 2: was not like I was trying to be cheeky and smart, 124 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,560 Speaker 2: which is unusual for me. Normally I am trying to 125 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,640 Speaker 2: be cheeky and smart. But I literally looked at her 126 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,720 Speaker 2: and said, we don't have time for you to stop 127 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,520 Speaker 2: and smell those flowers. And as I said it, I 128 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,320 Speaker 2: realized as it was coming out of my mouth what 129 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,360 Speaker 2: I was saying, and that's when I stopped and took 130 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:23,240 Speaker 2: a photo of it as a reminder for me that, oh, 131 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:27,320 Speaker 2: my goodness, kids are exploring the world. And we've got 132 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,720 Speaker 2: a bit of a challenge here, because while kids are 133 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:33,520 Speaker 2: designed to explore and slow down and smell the flowers, 134 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:38,080 Speaker 2: boys have been shown for decades now, we've known this. 135 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:42,400 Speaker 2: Boys do respond to competitive prompts and impulses a lot 136 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:46,800 Speaker 2: more than girls do. And so what's happened with Paulina's 137 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 2: experience with her son is we're in a hurry. I 138 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:52,960 Speaker 2: need to be efficient. I know that you want to 139 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,440 Speaker 2: do things your way, but let's turn it into a competition. 140 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:59,000 Speaker 2: And that pervasive pattern has actually started to restructure the 141 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 2: way he approaches all of these other tasks. But it's 142 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,560 Speaker 2: normal and natural for boys to be competitive, and it's 143 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,960 Speaker 2: also normal and natural for parents to be saying hurry up. 144 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,760 Speaker 2: I guess my point here, though, is to a childlove 145 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:11,560 Speaker 2: is spelt time. 146 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,040 Speaker 3: But it's also normal for a four year old to 147 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 3: struggle with his emotional regulation. 148 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:20,400 Speaker 2: And to use his body way too much in unhelpful ways. 149 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 3: To expect that he wouldn't is counterintuitive to childhood and 150 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:26,000 Speaker 3: growing up. 151 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, so we've actually got a perfect confluence of factors 152 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,800 Speaker 2: in terms of mum needing stuff done and a little 153 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,040 Speaker 2: boy who wants to please mum, wants to use his body, 154 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,440 Speaker 2: wants to be active, loves competition. It's the perfect recipe 155 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,440 Speaker 2: for where we are with this email. But there's a 156 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 2: whole lot of things that we can do. And I 157 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 2: think that now that we've talked about the developmental reality, 158 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 2: the gender reality, and the life reality of having to 159 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 2: get stuff done, I think we should talk about some 160 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:52,880 Speaker 2: solutions to help Paulina in terms of finding those solutions. Kylie, 161 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,240 Speaker 2: while I've got the pH d in psychology, your background 162 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,000 Speaker 2: and your training is in early childcare, and we're talking 163 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:01,440 Speaker 2: about a four year old, this is your wheelhouse. I 164 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,240 Speaker 2: really want to hand this to you and hear your 165 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 2: ideas about how we can maintain the fun, build the relationship, 166 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 2: but slow life down a little bit for this four 167 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,920 Speaker 2: year old who is getting maybe a little bit over competitive. 168 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:16,080 Speaker 3: I just love that she's she's already got everything she 169 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:20,640 Speaker 3: needs right there. She understands and recognizes that sometimes for 170 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 3: a four year old life can be pretty boring. So 171 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,680 Speaker 3: let's make this fun, but we can change it up. 172 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,119 Speaker 3: It doesn't always have to be competitive, and it doesn't 173 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:32,120 Speaker 3: always have to have such a rushed feel to it. 174 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:35,680 Speaker 3: So on the times when we have the capacity, let's 175 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:38,400 Speaker 3: see if we can walk as slow as a snail? 176 00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:42,240 Speaker 3: Can you inch like a caterpillar all the way to 177 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 3: the dining table? You know, are you gonna like flutter 178 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,679 Speaker 3: like gently flutter all the way to bed tonight, jump 179 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,160 Speaker 3: like a kangaroo if you've got the space and the energy, 180 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:55,960 Speaker 3: like you can literally take what she's doing, but just 181 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,319 Speaker 3: change it up. It doesn't always have to be fast. 182 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,240 Speaker 3: Find ways that you can interact with him in such 183 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,560 Speaker 3: a way that it's still fun and he's still going 184 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 3: to get the job done, but recognizing and understanding that 185 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 3: everything doesn't have to be done at cheat speed. 186 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 2: What you're doing here, Kylie, is you're suggesting that Paulina 187 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:19,880 Speaker 2: engages more in relationship and with a four year old. 188 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,079 Speaker 2: I mean, this works so well. Any child under about 189 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,040 Speaker 2: five or six you can do this comfortably with and 190 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,640 Speaker 2: they're not going to care what anyone else thinks they 191 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:27,800 Speaker 2: will actually get on the ground and slide like a caterpillar. 192 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,320 Speaker 2: They get to be the child. They still get to 193 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,840 Speaker 2: expend their energy and have fun, but they're doing it 194 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:37,840 Speaker 2: in creative ways, and we're literally slowing it down. I 195 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 2: feel like we need to just replace something that Chris 196 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:45,040 Speaker 2: and Philippa our slow parents, had to say when they 197 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,200 Speaker 2: were on parental guidance over the last couple of weeks. 198 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,240 Speaker 2: I mean, they've really. 199 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,319 Speaker 3: Died this y slow hearing for us is just being 200 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:55,319 Speaker 3: really intentional about getting rid of the craziness in our schedule. 201 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:01,840 Speaker 4: Muddy pimes. Okay, one of the best parts is allowing 202 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:06,160 Speaker 4: them to enjoy their childhood and learn and play, rather 203 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:10,439 Speaker 4: than instructing them constantly from school and then after school activities. 204 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,480 Speaker 3: One of the comments that came out of the show 205 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 3: in relation to the slow prayerents was maybe they weren't 206 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,719 Speaker 3: setting their kids up for real life because life is. 207 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,160 Speaker 2: Intense so much do Yeah, we can't always live in 208 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:22,000 Speaker 2: slow motion. 209 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,439 Speaker 3: And I found that so counter to what they were 210 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:28,800 Speaker 3: actually literally watching. Here are two adults who've been so 211 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 3: intentional about going against the grain and slowing things down 212 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,360 Speaker 3: on purpose. Yes, and they're doing it. So this idea 213 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,160 Speaker 3: that we have to stay in the rat race and 214 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,720 Speaker 3: that our kids are just going to have to come 215 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:44,679 Speaker 3: along with us is actually not true. We can do this. 216 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,920 Speaker 3: It's all about prioritizing and working out what is important 217 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:52,200 Speaker 3: to us as a family, and helping our kids to 218 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:55,080 Speaker 3: slow down long term is going to make such a 219 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,520 Speaker 3: difference to their well being. 220 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,520 Speaker 2: I feel like this is actually a conversation that you 221 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 2: and I need to have about how fast place you 222 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:07,960 Speaker 2: live life. We need to as parents model it is all. 223 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,400 Speaker 2: I was going to say, model it, model it, model it. 224 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,360 Speaker 2: You know what. I'm working on this. We're having more 225 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,720 Speaker 2: afternoon adventures and anyway, this is not about me, This 226 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 2: is about Paulina. But what I would also suggest Paulinea 227 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,880 Speaker 2: is another way that you can slow it down is 228 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,920 Speaker 2: instead of saying we need to hurry up and do this, 229 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,400 Speaker 2: I'm going to race you to the gate. Sometimes when 230 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,240 Speaker 2: we just explain the why, our children will get on 231 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,160 Speaker 2: board and are quite happy to be compliant and reasonably 232 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,880 Speaker 2: efficient in those moments where it's necessary for efficiency to happen. 233 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:42,000 Speaker 2: There's something powerful about explaining your reason for why it's 234 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,839 Speaker 2: time to get in the car, or better yet, because 235 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 2: sometimes four year odds don't really care about your reasons. 236 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:51,120 Speaker 2: Sometimes it's good to ask them if they can think 237 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,640 Speaker 2: of three reasons that we need to go and get 238 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:56,040 Speaker 2: in the car in the next two minutes, Like get 239 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,960 Speaker 2: them to come up with the rationale, because when they're 240 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,160 Speaker 2: explaining why, oh, we need to go home so we 241 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,440 Speaker 2: can have dinner, or we need to go home so 242 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 2: we can see dad, or we need to go home 243 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:05,840 Speaker 2: so that we can whatever, when they're giving you the reasons, 244 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,559 Speaker 2: they're much more likely to be compliant, like they'd be like, oh, yeah, actually, 245 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,840 Speaker 2: I'm buying into this now, these are my reasons, not 246 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:14,720 Speaker 2: my parents' reasons. So I would focus on rationals and 247 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,520 Speaker 2: especially helping your little guy to identify for himself what 248 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:19,480 Speaker 2: those reasons are. 249 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:23,440 Speaker 3: One last point from me in relation to helping us 250 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 3: to slow things down, routine is so important. If we 251 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:31,200 Speaker 3: have routine, then we actually have the capacity to see 252 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,559 Speaker 3: where there's rigal room to slow things down, and that 253 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,280 Speaker 3: provides us with the structure and the framework to create 254 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 3: the space we need. And one of the things that 255 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:44,000 Speaker 3: we can do that works really really well with kids 256 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:48,200 Speaker 3: to help slow that down is to introduce transitions into 257 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:52,360 Speaker 3: that routine and structure. So if we know that the 258 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,319 Speaker 3: kids have got to go to bed in the next 259 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,440 Speaker 3: half an hour, what is an activity that we could 260 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:01,440 Speaker 3: do that transitions them from guess, the dinner table to 261 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,120 Speaker 3: the bedroom. Once we work out what that is. In 262 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,040 Speaker 3: this instance, it might be we're going to go brush 263 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,640 Speaker 3: our teeth and then we're going to read a story. 264 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:11,000 Speaker 3: We're going to calm everything down. Storytime becomes the transition 265 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 3: from active movement at the dinner table to sleeping time 266 00:13:14,679 --> 00:13:16,960 Speaker 3: in bed, and you can do that throughout your day 267 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:21,200 Speaker 3: in every scenario, and if your child is used to 268 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:25,520 Speaker 3: the routine and structure, it's familiar to them. That transition 269 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:30,440 Speaker 3: activity actually helps them to calm down into the next 270 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:34,480 Speaker 3: activity much easier than telling them we've got to go 271 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:35,040 Speaker 3: in two minutes. 272 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:35,400 Speaker 1: Yeah. 273 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, The transition is so vital to making this work, 274 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,239 Speaker 2: and that kind of plays in with the rationale idea. 275 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,200 Speaker 2: I want to go on a tangent you mentioned before, 276 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,720 Speaker 2: wriggle room or did you say wiggle room, because when 277 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:53,800 Speaker 2: you said it, I wondered, if we're talking, is there 278 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,560 Speaker 2: a difference between wriggle room and wiggle room? 279 00:13:56,679 --> 00:13:58,520 Speaker 3: Are you giving me a hard time? No, no, I don't 280 00:13:58,520 --> 00:13:59,319 Speaker 3: even know what I said. 281 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,520 Speaker 2: Well, you said wiggle or wriggle. I can't remember what 282 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 2: it was, and JR. Can probably tell us. 283 00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:07,840 Speaker 3: If we have routine, then we actually have the capacity 284 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,640 Speaker 3: to see where there's wriggle room to slow things down. 285 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,280 Speaker 2: Regardless. As you were talking about transitions, it made me think, 286 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,080 Speaker 2: is there a difference between wriggling and wiggling? And so 287 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,760 Speaker 2: I googled it. When you wriggle, you twist turnal bend 288 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,160 Speaker 2: as you move. When you wiggle you make more of 289 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,800 Speaker 2: a back and forth motion. So my question is is 290 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:28,680 Speaker 2: it wiggle room or wriggle room. It's okay, my last point. 291 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,040 Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, Pauline. I just I just had to 292 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,440 Speaker 2: ask it. I mean, my brain goes to these places. 293 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,440 Speaker 2: I want to emphasize that it's okay to do the 294 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:38,560 Speaker 2: things that you're doing. 295 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:40,920 Speaker 3: It's just not every time. 296 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:42,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's just about making sure that this is 297 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,440 Speaker 2: not a recurring pattern. 298 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,840 Speaker 3: There is a time to do things fast, there is 299 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,920 Speaker 3: a time to kind of you know, get out the 300 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:52,280 Speaker 3: door quickly, but we need to save that tactic for 301 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 3: those times when it's needed. 302 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:57,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, and minimizing it is definitely going to be advantageous. 303 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,600 Speaker 2: Is essentially the main point that I wanted to make. 304 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,640 Speaker 2: Just keep doing what you're doing, though, slow things down, 305 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:08,320 Speaker 2: those breathing techniques, the squeezing the pillows, the activities that 306 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,440 Speaker 2: Kyle has mentioned at the beginning of this conversation in 307 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 2: terms of can you walk as slow as a snail? 308 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,640 Speaker 2: Allowing Kenny your dinner like a sloth, allowing him to 309 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:21,760 Speaker 2: stop and smell the flowers. Literally, those kinds of things 310 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:25,120 Speaker 2: will help you to overtime undo this pattern. But remember 311 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,120 Speaker 2: it's taken a couple of years for this pattern to 312 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,200 Speaker 2: be created, so you're not going to undo a pattern 313 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,640 Speaker 2: like this in a couple of days, weeks, or even months. 314 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,640 Speaker 2: This is going to be a long term process as 315 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:38,160 Speaker 2: you are intentional about the way that you're raising your kids. 316 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,720 Speaker 2: Really hope that there's been a helpful Q and A 317 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,720 Speaker 2: for you. Thank you so much for your email, Pauline 318 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 2: that podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot you. That's 319 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:49,680 Speaker 2: podcasts with an s at Happy families dot com dot au. 320 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 2: And thank you to Justin rule On, our producer for. 321 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,040 Speaker 3: Making us sound good and. 322 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,720 Speaker 2: Removing take two and take three and take four from 323 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,560 Speaker 2: everything that we do is we try to fluff our 324 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,800 Speaker 2: way through these podcasts. Also a big thank you to 325 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 2: Craig Bruce, our executive producer, and if you'd like more 326 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,840 Speaker 2: information about making your family happier, visit happy families dot 327 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,640 Speaker 2: com dot au or our Facebook page Doctor Justin Coulson's 328 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:11,360 Speaker 2: Happy Families