1
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:07,200
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

2
00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,240
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.

3
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:12,720
Speaker 2: Now, I came up and I got the air. I

4
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:14,159
Speaker 2: got back on my board, I paddled back out and

5
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,640
Speaker 2: I got some more amazing waves. That's really to take

6
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:22,600
Speaker 2: home message, big waves, parenting world, heavy water. But as

7
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,880
Speaker 2: long as we can stay calm, get out of the sweep,

8
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:26,720
Speaker 2: it'll work out.

9
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,160
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

10
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:30,680
Speaker 1: and dad.

11
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,920
Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy

12
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,879
Speaker 2: Families dot com. Today you I'm here with Kylie, my

13
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:38,360
Speaker 2: wife and unto our six daughters. Kylie, the weekend is

14
00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:41,640
Speaker 2: just around the corner, and that means our Friday episode

15
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,000
Speaker 2: of I'll Do Better Too of the podcast is called

16
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,760
Speaker 2: I'll Do Better Tomorrow. You know what I'm trying to say,

17
00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:48,760
Speaker 2: I'm excited for the weekend. I'll Do Better Tomorrow for

18
00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,360
Speaker 2: those of you who are new to the podcast, is

19
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,640
Speaker 2: the opportunity that we take to reflect on the week

20
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,000
Speaker 2: that was and work out how do we do things better?

21
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,280
Speaker 2: Where do we go wrong, what do we do right?

22
00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,600
Speaker 2: How do we do better tomorrow? When it comes to

23
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:02,960
Speaker 2: the way we're raising our family, Kylie just before we

24
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,280
Speaker 2: get into it, I want to reflect on last week's

25
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,440
Speaker 2: I'll do about it tomorrow. If you didn't catch it,

26
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,480
Speaker 2: I think the only way to talk about it is

27
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:14,320
Speaker 2: to confess that I said last week that I wanted

28
00:01:14,319 --> 00:01:17,839
Speaker 2: to quit parenting. I'm done, I've had enough. Just over

29
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:20,080
Speaker 2: it and we'll talk about this in just a sec.

30
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,480
Speaker 2: But I hate to say it. It got worse. It

31
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,680
Speaker 2: actually got worse. More to come on that in a moment. However,

32
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:29,440
Speaker 2: as a result of our podcast, I shared what I

33
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,200
Speaker 2: had talked about on Facebook and a couple of hundred

34
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,120
Speaker 2: comments came through it. It kind of blew up the

35
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:38,200
Speaker 2: parenting expert on Australia's leading parenting Educators saying that he

36
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,959
Speaker 2: wants to stop being a parent. I guess got people.

37
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:45,720
Speaker 2: Most people were actually quite empathic and also shared, yeah,

38
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,520
Speaker 2: I want to quit parenting as well. It's hard. But

39
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,440
Speaker 2: I got one email. In fact, we received this email

40
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,320
Speaker 2: from Kira, who emailed us podcasts at Happy Families dot

41
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:57,080
Speaker 2: com and Kylie. Here's what she said morning, Justin and Kylie,

42
00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:00,400
Speaker 2: I'm in tears. Thank you. It's funny, that, isn't it.

43
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:03,480
Speaker 2: I'm in tears. Thanks so much for making me cry. Firstly,

44
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:05,680
Speaker 2: justin thanks for sharing your open and honest opinion about

45
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,600
Speaker 2: feeling over parenting at the moment. It was greatly appreciated

46
00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:11,440
Speaker 2: and deeply felt. Second, Kyle is a number four whose

47
00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:14,600
Speaker 2: eldest is currently sixteen. You had me in tears. I

48
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:16,680
Speaker 2: felt like maybe I've lost her forever. But to know

49
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,200
Speaker 2: that she will come back if I can just hang

50
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,800
Speaker 2: in there, maybe for a couple more years, was so reassuring.

51
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,400
Speaker 2: I'm a long time listener, a huge fan of support

52
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,679
Speaker 2: of your work, and having moved to the Sunshine Coast

53
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,880
Speaker 2: in January last year. Also, I've thoroughly enjoyed listening to

54
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,000
Speaker 2: you both every day. Thanks and enjoy your wee time

55
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,160
Speaker 2: this weekend. So that was from Kira. What a wonderful,

56
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,079
Speaker 2: wonderful email podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot you

57
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:40,359
Speaker 2: if you have any feedback for us on the podcast, Kylie,

58
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,440
Speaker 2: I think that off the back of that email and

59
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,440
Speaker 2: off the back of last week's podcast, which is definitely

60
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:49,320
Speaker 2: worth a listen if you missed it. Let's talk about

61
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,440
Speaker 2: our I'll do better tomorrow this week? Can I go first?

62
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:56,160
Speaker 2: Since I've preempted go for it? Okay, it got worse.

63
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,320
Speaker 2: I wanted to quit parenting. When we recorded the podcast,

64
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,639
Speaker 2: it went where on Friday had dropped on Friday, and

65
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,760
Speaker 2: the weekend was even worse. In fact, in some ways, Kylie,

66
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:10,440
Speaker 2: I felt like, how do I say this? Twenty something

67
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,840
Speaker 2: years ago, when I quit my radio career and went

68
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,240
Speaker 2: back to school so I could be a bit a parent,

69
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:16,840
Speaker 2: I did it because I was just making such a

70
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,720
Speaker 2: mess of things, And in some ways, I feel like

71
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,320
Speaker 2: I'm no better now than I was then, Like I

72
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:26,280
Speaker 2: just cannot believe how difficult things have been. Just recently.

73
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,000
Speaker 2: I feel like I absolutely blew it across the weekend,

74
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:31,560
Speaker 2: and because I blew it so badly, it put me

75
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,960
Speaker 2: into a great big spin. I was already feeling lousy,

76
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,880
Speaker 2: but then I started to feel lousy er, and I

77
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,080
Speaker 2: don't remember the last time that I felt so bad

78
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,800
Speaker 2: for such a prolonged period of time. I knew what

79
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,600
Speaker 2: I needed to do, I just couldn't bring myself to

80
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:47,600
Speaker 2: do it. People recognized that I wasn't doing well. They

81
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,000
Speaker 2: reached out, and I ignored them. Didn't want to talk

82
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,960
Speaker 2: to anybody, because what am I going to say? I

83
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,280
Speaker 2: don't have conversations with people about all this awful stuff

84
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,280
Speaker 2: that they can't do anything about either. I don't want

85
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,640
Speaker 2: to talk about it really really, really tough time. And

86
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,360
Speaker 2: I had an experience while I was out surfing trying

87
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:06,040
Speaker 2: to clear my mind. For those who don't know, I

88
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,280
Speaker 2: love surfing, and because we live on the Sunshine Coast,

89
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:14,119
Speaker 2: we've had absolutely enormous surf for the last week or so.

90
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,800
Speaker 2: I jumped off the rocks at my favorite point break nearby,

91
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:22,400
Speaker 2: and it was treacherous jumping off the rocks, really really dangerous,

92
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,080
Speaker 2: lots of water sweeping across the rocks, and it's just

93
00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:28,400
Speaker 2: a it's not a smart thing to do. You have

94
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,320
Speaker 2: to be very experienced to do it. But I got

95
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:31,800
Speaker 2: to the edge of the rocks, I jumped off the rocks,

96
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,159
Speaker 2: paddled out, caught a couple of waves, and at one point,

97
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,640
Speaker 2: after a few waves, I ended up in this current,

98
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:41,159
Speaker 2: and no matter how much I paddled, I couldn't get

99
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,040
Speaker 2: out of the current. I was trying to paddle back

100
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,200
Speaker 2: out past the waves, the waves kept on coming through

101
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,200
Speaker 2: and pushing me into the current. The sweep, the tide,

102
00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:50,239
Speaker 2: all that sort of stuff was just holding me in place,

103
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,159
Speaker 2: very very close to a really big rock wall. And

104
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,159
Speaker 2: no matter how hard I paddled, I just could not

105
00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:59,560
Speaker 2: get out. After about fifteen minutes, I realized that I

106
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:03,520
Speaker 2: was in a predicament, and so I turned my surfboard

107
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,080
Speaker 2: around and I actually caught one of the waves even

108
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,600
Speaker 2: further into well further away from where all the waves

109
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,040
Speaker 2: were breaking, and basically I went into shore, climbed up

110
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:15,120
Speaker 2: the rocks, ran back around the beach to the rocks

111
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,280
Speaker 2: where you jump off, and this time I couldn't get

112
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,480
Speaker 2: back out. The tide had changed in the intervening forty

113
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,520
Speaker 2: fifty sixty minutes, and there was too much water sweeping

114
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,719
Speaker 2: across the rocks. The surf was bigger as well, and

115
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,279
Speaker 2: it was simply impossible to get off the rocks, and

116
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,320
Speaker 2: so I had to run back along the beach and

117
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,080
Speaker 2: paddle out near that rock wall where I'd been caught

118
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,479
Speaker 2: in that sweep already. And it took me about twenty

119
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,719
Speaker 2: five minutes to paddle back out and start catching waves again.

120
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,240
Speaker 2: As it happened, I caught some of the best waves

121
00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:44,880
Speaker 2: of my life that day, and some of the biggest

122
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,360
Speaker 2: waves as well. But while all this was going on,

123
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,839
Speaker 2: I was reflecting on the whole parenting thing. There's a

124
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,280
Speaker 2: metaphor here this applies to parenting.

125
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,000
Speaker 3: Well, as you were sharing a story, I was literally going,

126
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:59,680
Speaker 3: this is explaining my whole life. Yeah, literally, Like there

127
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,120
Speaker 3: is sometimes where I feel like I'm stuck on the

128
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,360
Speaker 3: rocks and there's nowhere to go, Like everywhere looks like

129
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,400
Speaker 3: it's covered in glass, and I can't, I can't, I

130
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:09,600
Speaker 3: can't make a right move.

131
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,200
Speaker 2: Well, there's no glass on the rocks at this particular

132
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,360
Speaker 2: point break, but there's a lot of barnacles and there's

133
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,240
Speaker 2: a lot of sharp things. I mean, I have Actually

134
00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:18,520
Speaker 2: I'm still nursing the wounds on my feet from a

135
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:24,040
Speaker 2: few cuts from those rocks. But the reality is parenting

136
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,040
Speaker 2: can feel a little bit treacherous. It can feel like

137
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,200
Speaker 2: the water is sweeping all around us. It can feel

138
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,800
Speaker 2: like there's so much coming at us.

139
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,800
Speaker 4: Well that no matter how hard you paddle, you're just stuck.

140
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,000
Speaker 2: Right And and that's what I was going to say.

141
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,040
Speaker 2: Even if you get off the rocks and you get

142
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,840
Speaker 2: into the water, there are some incredible highlights. There are

143
00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:40,880
Speaker 2: some moments where you go, oh my goodness, this is

144
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,120
Speaker 2: the best. But then five minutes later you're in that

145
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,760
Speaker 2: sweep and you're paddling like hell to get out. Of

146
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,840
Speaker 2: it and you just can't and you have to turn

147
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:53,119
Speaker 2: around and go back in and start all over again.

148
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,880
Speaker 2: And that's kind of how it's been. That's kind of

149
00:06:56,880 --> 00:07:00,640
Speaker 2: how how it's been. It's been really kind a week

150
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:04,039
Speaker 2: and it's just been there's been a handful of moments

151
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,680
Speaker 2: where a child has come in and sat on the

152
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,320
Speaker 2: bed and said, hey, love your dad. And it's when

153
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,960
Speaker 2: you're in that sweep, you're in that current and you

154
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:16,760
Speaker 2: put in the extra effort, you paddle extra hard, or alternatively,

155
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,680
Speaker 2: you catch a wave into the beach and you reset

156
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,400
Speaker 2: before you go back out and face the waves again.

157
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,120
Speaker 2: And I feel like that's what this week has been

158
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,040
Speaker 2: quite a lot of for me. So my oldered better

159
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,720
Speaker 2: tomorrow is reset, get out of the sweep, get off

160
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,680
Speaker 2: the rocks, get into the place where you can actually

161
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:35,160
Speaker 2: catch the waves. Metaphorically speaking, that is, take a breather,

162
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,320
Speaker 2: go for a walk, talk to the kids, do whatever

163
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:43,200
Speaker 2: you need to re set and get family life back

164
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:48,120
Speaker 2: on track, because sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes it's just

165
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,120
Speaker 2: really really hard, and we beat ourselves up so much

166
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,440
Speaker 2: as parents when we get it wrong, especially when we're

167
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,080
Speaker 2: aparenting expert and we've written a book about it, and we'

168
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:56,400
Speaker 2: supposed to know all about it and then we still get

169
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,320
Speaker 2: it wrong. Tough gig. So here's to a much better

170
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:02,640
Speaker 2: week with a whole lot of resets taken care of.

171
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,360
Speaker 2: So anything about that you want to pick apart or

172
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,640
Speaker 2: add too, or do you want to share your older

173
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:11,440
Speaker 2: better tomorrow.

174
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,760
Speaker 3: Well, I guess my experiences just flow on from that,

175
00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:23,120
Speaker 3: because obviously I'm intimately entwined in your experiences, and so

176
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:28,280
Speaker 3: for me, watching you spiral downwards is always really challenging.

177
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:34,199
Speaker 3: Unlike you, who has been given endless opportunities to practice

178
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:40,960
Speaker 3: being empathic and sympathetic towards me and my down spirals,

179
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:46,800
Speaker 3: I have not had the same opportunities. You have always

180
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,360
Speaker 3: been the rock in our home. You've been very pragmatic,

181
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:52,280
Speaker 3: You're not particularly emotional about things.

182
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,880
Speaker 4: You have a lot more clarity.

183
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:58,679
Speaker 3: Of thought in stressful situations, and so when you are

184
00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:02,120
Speaker 3: not doing well for me, it actually is a little

185
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:06,880
Speaker 3: bit of a trigger, and I think that there must

186
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:10,600
Speaker 3: be something I'm missing if you're this worked up about it,

187
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:13,200
Speaker 3: even though I know the circumstances, Even though I know

188
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:17,200
Speaker 3: the situation clearly, I am not seeing everything because if

189
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,240
Speaker 3: I did, I would be just as worried as you are,

190
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,439
Speaker 3: or I would be just as upset as you are.

191
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:25,120
Speaker 3: There's something I'm missing, That's how I see it. So

192
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,840
Speaker 3: it's not about the fact that clearly this must be

193
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:32,960
Speaker 3: my fault or anything like that. It's literally because I

194
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:38,680
Speaker 3: have such a high respect and I guess or at

195
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,800
Speaker 3: the way you see the world when you're not seeing

196
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,360
Speaker 3: the world the same way I'm seeing it, all of

197
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,880
Speaker 3: a sudden, I just I go into panic.

198
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,720
Speaker 2: Is it okay? If I jump in for a sec

199
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,600
Speaker 2: and just highlight two things based on what you're saying.

200
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,080
Speaker 2: Every couple there's going to be somebody who's I guess

201
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,480
Speaker 2: the I don't want to use this term because I

202
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:59,440
Speaker 2: don't see myself as this, but for simplicity's sake, the

203
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,079
Speaker 2: strong one anchor at the rock, whatever metaphor you want

204
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,920
Speaker 2: to use to me, that's you. But it's interesting that

205
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,960
Speaker 2: you see me as that because I just think that

206
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:13,240
Speaker 2: you're you're the glue that makes our family hold together. Nevertheless,

207
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,760
Speaker 2: if you're saying that about me, the pressure that the

208
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,480
Speaker 2: rock of the family feels in terms of that, that's

209
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,319
Speaker 2: a lot. That's a big weight to carry. It's a

210
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:25,160
Speaker 2: big weight to carry, and if you think that the

211
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,760
Speaker 2: entire emotional wellbeing of your family is predicated on you

212
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:33,520
Speaker 2: holding it together, that that really boosts the challenge and

213
00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:36,080
Speaker 2: it makes you feel even worse when you're falling apart.

214
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,640
Speaker 2: I think it's worth highlighting. And also, secondly, if you're

215
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,320
Speaker 2: a single parent, if you're doing it on your own,

216
00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:45,360
Speaker 2: you know that it all comes down to you. I

217
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,080
Speaker 2: just want to acknowledge that if you're a single parent

218
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:50,240
Speaker 2: right now and you're listening, there's a lot, there's a

219
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:56,120
Speaker 2: lot on your shoulders. It's a heavy, heavy weight to carry, and.

220
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:59,680
Speaker 3: So often for me, the challenge is how to support

221
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:04,600
Speaker 3: you when I'm actually slowly falling apart inside because you're

222
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:10,320
Speaker 3: falling apart, and not taking any of it personally because

223
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,240
Speaker 3: I actually, deep down understand that it isn't about me,

224
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:19,959
Speaker 3: but all of my attempts to be helpful often hinder

225
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,959
Speaker 3: the process because I actually kind of start to want

226
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,640
Speaker 3: a problem solve. I just want to fix it because

227
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,240
Speaker 3: I don't like this feeling yep at all. I don't

228
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,680
Speaker 3: want this to continue. So I can see the solutions inside,

229
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,720
Speaker 3: I know exactly what needs to happen, and I just

230
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,200
Speaker 3: I want it fixed.

231
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,480
Speaker 2: And how do I respond when you forget to fix it?

232
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,560
Speaker 3: You pretty much walked away. I can't do this, I

233
00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:45,840
Speaker 3: can't talk to you right now, and you left because

234
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,520
Speaker 3: I actually know, I know, I know, And that's what

235
00:11:48,559 --> 00:11:51,600
Speaker 3: I struggle with more, because I know you not and

236
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,280
Speaker 3: I'm like, if you know, why are you not just

237
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:53,760
Speaker 3: doing it?

238
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,200
Speaker 4: You know exactly what you need to do.

239
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,120
Speaker 2: Sometimes it's just sometimes you just can't do it. Sometimes

240
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,800
Speaker 2: it's just too hard. That's the channel. That's the great challenge,

241
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:05,040
Speaker 2: being able to get past that and do it. But

242
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,920
Speaker 2: sometimes you can't. You're paddling and paddling and paddling and

243
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,440
Speaker 2: you just can't get out of the sweep.

244
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,040
Speaker 3: And so I was really grateful that on Sunday I

245
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:16,040
Speaker 3: had an opportunity to speak with a friend and just,

246
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,760
Speaker 3: I guess, get my own perspective on things. And it

247
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:22,320
Speaker 3: wasn't actually even about you. It was literally about me

248
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,920
Speaker 3: and how I was processing what was going on and

249
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:32,360
Speaker 3: just needing somebody to kind of say, I see you,

250
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:35,360
Speaker 3: I get it. And this person hasn't experienced any of

251
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,600
Speaker 3: the things that we're going through right now, but they

252
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:41,719
Speaker 3: were able to literally weep with me and just recognize

253
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,160
Speaker 3: that where I am right now. Where we are right

254
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:48,360
Speaker 3: now and our family circumstances is really hard. It's just

255
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:52,400
Speaker 3: really hard, and there isn't actually any solutions right now.

256
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,760
Speaker 4: It's just hard. Just like you being.

257
00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:58,040
Speaker 3: Out in that you know, massive current and paddling and

258
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,720
Speaker 3: paddling and paddling and feeling like you're not getting anywhere,

259
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,320
Speaker 3: that's kind of where we're sitting right now with things.

260
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,640
Speaker 3: And so I was able to come home with a

261
00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:08,880
Speaker 3: little bit more clarity and just calm and peace in

262
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:14,000
Speaker 3: a piece that it was going to be okay. And

263
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,880
Speaker 3: you had sent me a text earlier in the day

264
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,400
Speaker 3: to just kind of explain to me how you were feeling,

265
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,320
Speaker 3: and the acknowledgment that you know what you need to

266
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,080
Speaker 3: do and you don't need me to tell you what

267
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:27,280
Speaker 3: to do, and that you just needed me to love you.

268
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,280
Speaker 3: And when I sat down with you, I just said,

269
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,640
Speaker 3: I don't I don't actually know what to do right

270
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:36,000
Speaker 3: now because I think that I'm being helpful, but obviously

271
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,720
Speaker 3: everything that I'm doing to be helpful actually pushes you

272
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:42,640
Speaker 3: further away from me. And you were able to articulate

273
00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:45,400
Speaker 3: just so beautifully that you just wanted me to treat

274
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,319
Speaker 3: you as though there was nothing wrong, that you weren't broken,

275
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,960
Speaker 3: that you didn't need fixing, that you were just the

276
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,480
Speaker 3: person that I've always loved, and that I would continue

277
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,520
Speaker 3: to love you exactly the same way.

278
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,640
Speaker 4: And I took that on and.

279
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,640
Speaker 3: That was really hard, because, in spite of the fact

280
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,679
Speaker 3: that I know that what's going on is actually not

281
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:09,960
Speaker 3: about me, I obviously will take things that happen personally,

282
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,600
Speaker 3: and so trying to get into a space where I

283
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,080
Speaker 3: can just go, you know what, this isn't about me

284
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,360
Speaker 3: and he just needs my love right now took a

285
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:23,680
Speaker 3: little bit of effort. But on Sunday night, I sat

286
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,480
Speaker 3: down with all the kids and you kind of came

287
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:28,200
Speaker 3: in halfway through it, and we were talking about Valentine's

288
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,000
Speaker 3: Day coming up and all of those kinds of things,

289
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:33,280
Speaker 3: and I asked miss Ate if she'd say our family

290
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:37,120
Speaker 3: prayer to head us off to bed, and this most

291
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:43,800
Speaker 3: angelic little girl just said the most beautiful prayer over

292
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,200
Speaker 3: our family, that we would find a way to love

293
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:52,200
Speaker 3: each other. And just that one little thing from the

294
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:57,520
Speaker 3: youngest member of our family just melted my heart and

295
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,920
Speaker 3: helped me to recognize that all any of us want

296
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:04,280
Speaker 3: is love, no matter what we're experiencing life. We just

297
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,320
Speaker 3: want to be loved, and so I was able to

298
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:11,000
Speaker 3: kind of be what you needed me to be in

299
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,640
Speaker 3: that moment, and over the next few days there was

300
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:19,040
Speaker 3: just this beautiful shift. The load, the heaviness that we're

301
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:23,720
Speaker 3: carrying is still there, but I feel like we're able

302
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:28,800
Speaker 3: to come together in a way that lightened the individual

303
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,760
Speaker 3: load that we were carrying together.

304
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,600
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I hope that the take home message that

305
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,720
Speaker 2: you get from this podcast is I guess two fold.

306
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,480
Speaker 2: Number one, family life can be really hard, and even

307
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,800
Speaker 2: without family life, life can be really hard personally. We

308
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,560
Speaker 2: just we all carry a load, and sometimes we cope

309
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,280
Speaker 2: with it really really well, and other times it gets

310
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,440
Speaker 2: too much and we just kind of have to put

311
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,000
Speaker 2: it down and have a rest for a day or

312
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,120
Speaker 2: two or a week or two. And that's actually okay.

313
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,720
Speaker 2: But we've got to be able to figure out a

314
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,920
Speaker 2: way that we can navigate our relationships and our interactions

315
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,640
Speaker 2: with others while we're doing that. And I think over time,

316
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,080
Speaker 2: you and I've gotten pretty good at it. I mean,

317
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:07,760
Speaker 2: we've been married for twenty five years next month, and

318
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,360
Speaker 2: it's taken a lot of practice, but I think we're

319
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,720
Speaker 2: dealing with those tough times better now than ever. The

320
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,360
Speaker 2: second thing that I hope you take from this as

321
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:20,640
Speaker 2: a take home message is that life, given enough time,

322
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:24,600
Speaker 2: sorts itself out. We get out of the rip, the

323
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:29,360
Speaker 2: big waves stop, the cyclone goes away, the ocean calms,

324
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,680
Speaker 2: we find an opportunity to catch the waves and have

325
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,240
Speaker 2: those highlights. And I really want to come back to that.

326
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,360
Speaker 2: While I was surfing, I have literally had some of

327
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:41,280
Speaker 2: the best waves of my life. But those waves have

328
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:45,200
Speaker 2: required a lot of work, so much effort. I have

329
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:48,200
Speaker 2: paddled and I reckon. I've lost about five kilos from

330
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:52,120
Speaker 2: paddling so much this week, and I have been in

331
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,960
Speaker 2: some rocky places, and I've also taken a couple of beatings.

332
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,840
Speaker 2: I took one hole down on one wave that was

333
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,240
Speaker 2: one of the longest hold downs that I've ever had

334
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,800
Speaker 2: in my life. I was stuck on the bottom of

335
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:06,159
Speaker 2: the reef, the rocks down there, and the wave just

336
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,880
Speaker 2: kept on holding me down, and I knew I had

337
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:10,880
Speaker 2: to stay calm. I knew I had to just let

338
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,000
Speaker 2: the wave wash over me and eventually it would pass.

339
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,159
Speaker 2: But at some point I started to realize that I

340
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,480
Speaker 2: was running out of air, and as I swam to

341
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,920
Speaker 2: the surface because the wave had gone. I couldn't believe

342
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,440
Speaker 2: how far away the surface was, Like it was shocking

343
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,280
Speaker 2: to me how long I stayed out of the water.

344
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:28,000
Speaker 2: But I came up and I got the air, I

345
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,440
Speaker 2: got back on my board, I paddled back out and

346
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,120
Speaker 2: I got some more amazing waves. And that's I think

347
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:36,320
Speaker 2: that's really to take her message, big waves, parenting world,

348
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,919
Speaker 2: heavy water. But so long as we can stay calm,

349
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:44,720
Speaker 2: get out of the sweep, it'll it'll work out. Have

350
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,600
Speaker 2: I pushed the metaphor too far or is that okay?

351
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:46,800
Speaker 3: No?

352
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,399
Speaker 4: I think it's great for me.

353
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:53,160
Speaker 3: For me the big learning and it was amplified watching

354
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:56,199
Speaker 3: you go through it is that when our kids are

355
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:59,320
Speaker 3: having big emotions, as the big people in the room,

356
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:03,480
Speaker 3: we just want to fix it. Yeah, and your experience

357
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,240
Speaker 3: with me trying to fix it was withdrawal.

358
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,560
Speaker 2: Just treat me like nothing's the matter.

359
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,040
Speaker 4: Leave me alone. I can't do this.

360
00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:14,639
Speaker 3: And so to see that and recognize in such a

361
00:18:15,119 --> 00:18:18,639
Speaker 3: just tangible way that all you actually needed was for

362
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,920
Speaker 3: me to just love you seems so easy, But it's

363
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,320
Speaker 3: really hard because we so often take things so personally

364
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:30,440
Speaker 3: when our loved ones whoever they are, kids adults alike

365
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,560
Speaker 3: are having big emotions.

366
00:18:32,359 --> 00:18:34,600
Speaker 2: And those big emotions are never about you. That was

367
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,159
Speaker 2: just about what's going on inside the person.

368
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,160
Speaker 3: But the load that it's taken off me to recognize

369
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,520
Speaker 3: that it's not my responsibility to fix it. I don't

370
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,840
Speaker 3: have to fix it. I fix it by actually just

371
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:45,640
Speaker 3: loving you.

372
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,000
Speaker 2: Strong Take her message. The Happy Family's podcast is produced

373
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,760
Speaker 2: by Justin Rowlan from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce, our executive producer.

374
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:55,000
Speaker 2: Have a great weekend. We really hope that if you're

375
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,080
Speaker 2: carrying a heavy load that you find some of those

376
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:02,840
Speaker 2: perfect parenting ways to catch across the weekend. And if

377
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,080
Speaker 2: you'd like more information about making your family happier, please

378
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:06,719
Speaker 2: visit us at Happy families dot com. Dore