Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
Speaker 1: welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 2: I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and this is.
Speaker 3: Us gun cut, where we will answered you're dark and
Speaker 3: you're burning questions. However, there is something that I think
Speaker 3: will live rent free in my head for the rest
Speaker 3: of my life, like my Roman Empire. I cannot and
Speaker 3: will not stop thinking about the video of Timothy challow
Speaker 3: May and Kylie Jenner at the Indian Wells Open or
Speaker 3: whatever it's called, the tennis match. If you haven't seen it,
Speaker 3: we are putting it on our social media right now.
Speaker 3: In fact, to be up there, I have never seen
Speaker 3: something more uncomfortable in my life. So okay, if you
Speaker 3: haven't seen this already, it's making the rounds online. But
Speaker 3: Kylie Jenner, who great love love their relationship, think they're adorable.
Speaker 3: She leans over to kiss him, and she's trying to
Speaker 3: kiss him. I think it's for a camera. I think
Speaker 3: someone's taking a video because there's a camera in the corner.
Speaker 2: They also they know that they're constantly on camera wherever
Speaker 2: they go. Every time they're in public, they are constantly
Speaker 2: being watched, especially at a big tennis tour.
Speaker 1: Is why Timothy Shalla Maye needs to control his face.
Speaker 3: He can't control his face. He looks he looks so disinterested.
Speaker 3: But it's just there's so many different mixed body language
Speaker 3: things that are going on, and I just can't I
Speaker 3: don't know what's happening.
Speaker 2: I have some thoughts. Basically, if you haven't seen it,
Speaker 2: Kylie's trying to kiss Timothy in the middle of this
Speaker 2: huge match with Holgaroon and Ugo Unbird or whatever.
Speaker 3: His name is, so at lafeon cut podcast because we'll
Speaker 3: be on our Instagram.
Speaker 2: And he Timothy doesn't look like he wants to kiss
Speaker 2: her in that moment. It's very awkward. But what I
Speaker 2: will say is I understand both sides. She's trying to
Speaker 2: kiss him and put on this united front because there's
Speaker 2: very obviously a paparazzi or a cameraman that's right in
Speaker 2: front of them that is filming them. She's seen that
Speaker 2: and she probably knows, hey, let's just put on like
Speaker 2: this united front because if they just sit there looking so,
Speaker 2: there'll be a story about them having a fight and
Speaker 2: hating each other. So she's tried to kiss him, but
Speaker 2: it's in the middle of a point, you can hear
Speaker 2: that the game is still going, it's not between sets.
Speaker 2: And there's a forensic lip reader that has come out
Speaker 2: and said they know I was really invested. They know
Speaker 2: exactly what they were saying to each other. So what
Speaker 2: they were saying is and Timothy, apparently I love that.
Speaker 1: I thought it liver and free in my head, but
Speaker 1: clearly in yours more, I love that. A forensic lip
Speaker 1: reader is a job. How do you become forensic?
Speaker 2: It's really common now. Every single time there is a
Speaker 2: red carpet for anything in the world, there are forensic
Speaker 2: lipreaders that are employed to see what they're saying on
Speaker 2: the carpet.
Speaker 4: What distinguishes the difference between a lip reader and a
Speaker 4: forensic lip reader, I.
Speaker 2: Can't be sure.
Speaker 4: Rhyme.
Speaker 3: Usually they lend themselves to important things, like, you know,
Speaker 3: fighting crime, but in this case, no, so things we
Speaker 3: care about.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: So first of all, Timothy says, wait a minute, love.
Speaker 2: That's what he says to her. He says, wait a minute, love.
Speaker 2: And because you can tell he's kissing right with his lips,
Speaker 2: but his eyes are on the court, like he's not
Speaker 2: giving her any attention. He says, wait a minute, love,
Speaker 2: and then she says eye contact. This is allegedly sorry
Speaker 2: eye contact. Then he responded, go on, yum.
Speaker 1: Yep, that's not what he said.
Speaker 2: Then then when he sits back and she starts to
Speaker 2: rub his tummy, he says ol and she says are
Speaker 2: you okay? And he says, no problem, I'm good, don't
Speaker 2: worry about it. Then he says to her watch the point.
Speaker 2: Watch the point. So he's literally just trying to say, babe,
Speaker 2: like I fucking love you, let's do this after the tennis.
Speaker 2: I'm so invested in the tennis, so it's really awkward
Speaker 2: to watch and I hate watching it. I have to
Speaker 2: turn it off. But I understand both sides.
Speaker 4: At first, because like he's super locked in right, and
Speaker 4: at first I was like, oh, he could have just
Speaker 4: turned and gave her a quick kiss and back to tennis.
Speaker 4: But then what I don't understand is when she didn't
Speaker 4: get that, why did she start rubbing his tummy.
Speaker 2: It's such a weird thing for someone to.
Speaker 4: Be sitting next to you and start rubbing their barely.
Speaker 4: I cannot have one time that I've rubbed someone's belly,
Speaker 4: especially in public, especially after they've just rejected my advance
Speaker 4: for like a kiss, because they're doing something that is
Speaker 4: clearly important.
Speaker 3: Also, I do like that she seems completely oblivious to it.
Speaker 3: She's just smiling and happily, like waltzing through the whole thing.
Speaker 3: I wonder how she must feel today we've all been rejected.
Speaker 2: I think she couldn't kive a fuck today. She's a
Speaker 2: billionaire who's living her best life. I don't think she cares.
Speaker 1: I wonder how Timmy's tummy's going. It's good luck.
Speaker 2: No, the tummy thing doesn't bother me. I think she's
Speaker 2: just a physical affection person. I would probably do the
Speaker 2: same to Ben. I don't think she's rubbing his tummy
Speaker 2: like get better. She's just putting her hand and being affectionate.
Speaker 2: I don't care about that part. I care about the
Speaker 2: part where he's trying not to kiss her and she's
Speaker 2: like forcing his face back to her, and he's pulling
Speaker 2: away and she's pushing it back.
Speaker 3: It's very hard to watch, but well, I hope that
Speaker 3: we all enjoyed it as much as I did, because,
Speaker 3: like I said, I'll be thinking about it for a
Speaker 3: very long time before we get into your question.
Speaker 1: So let's do our vibes and unsubscribes of the week.
Speaker 2: My vibe this week is a new Netflix series. It's
Speaker 2: called Running Point. I don't know if you've seen it.
Speaker 2: I absolutely loved it. So it's Kate Hudson. I don't
Speaker 2: know if you've seen it advertised. It's basically about a
Speaker 2: basketball team in America. It's did you guys ever watch
Speaker 2: ted Lasso? You remember years ago I recommended ted Lasso,
Speaker 2: which is this really feel good series, comedy series about football.
Speaker 2: This is the same kind of a thing, but about basketball,
Speaker 2: and long story short, Kate Hudson has taken over this
Speaker 2: basketball team. It's purely like a male dominated industry. It's
Speaker 2: a man's world and it's about the family dynamics between them,
Speaker 2: but also running of this team. I saw it advertised
Speaker 2: and I thought it was going to be really cringey.
Speaker 2: It's so good. It is so funny, it is so
Speaker 2: feel good. It's filmed really well. I feel like a
Speaker 2: lot of shows that these streamers churn out lately seem
Speaker 2: to be done really quickly with low budgets, But this
Speaker 2: felt like I was watching a movie at the cinemas,
Speaker 2: Like it's really high quality. If you ever watched New Girl,
Speaker 2: which I loved was a series of very long running
Speaker 2: series in America. One of the main actors from that
Speaker 2: is in it too, and I haven't seen him in
Speaker 2: a while. But it's just brilliant. I loved it. Kate
Speaker 2: Hudson was brilliant. Her comedic timing is amazing.
Speaker 4: I'm interested to hear this because I saw some chatter
Speaker 4: about this online and it was getting really bad commentary.
Speaker 2: Like, I loved it.
Speaker 1: Interesting because Mindy Kayling was one of the creators.
Speaker 2: She is the creator and producer.
Speaker 4: Yeah, which I thought was interesting with the timing of
Speaker 4: the whole Meghan show, you know, like get Mindy on
Speaker 4: Megan show, because she's also got this other Netflix you know,
Speaker 4: everyone's in the Netflix family.
Speaker 3: And well, Mindy even came out and said, like anything
Speaker 3: that she does that involves Megan, obviously and understandably absolutely
Speaker 3: blows up. So she's like, if she wants to do
Speaker 3: cross promotion, it makes sense.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I loved it. I loved it. So it's called
Speaker 2: Running Point. It's just a very easy watch. You're not
Speaker 2: going to learn anything, but like it's not a docu series.
Speaker 2: It's just a lot of fun, right, up my alley
Speaker 2: my vibe this week.
Speaker 1: Did you guys ever get on the match A train?
Speaker 2: Yes? Did you?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: And then I got off it real quick, Okay, because
Speaker 2: I've never been able to get into it.
Speaker 4: I'm told it's got all these health benefits and it's
Speaker 4: all good for you because it's all like green tea extract,
Speaker 4: But for me, it's just always tasted too much like
Speaker 4: lawn mower clippings.
Speaker 1: Oh it's not for me either, Kisha.
Speaker 2: You ordered it on the weekend when we went to lunch, Yeah, no,
Speaker 2: but I didn't.
Speaker 1: Like that one.
Speaker 4: And this is actually quite interesting that you say that,
Speaker 4: because I've been trying to get myself into it and
Speaker 4: I found this product from Tea too. It is salted
Speaker 4: much a milkshake powder, So basically it's a much a powder.
Speaker 4: I guess that they have added a bit of this
Speaker 4: salted caramel toffee flavoring too.
Speaker 2: It's not Matcha, well, it is much, but it's got
Speaker 2: kind of like a.
Speaker 4: Little addition to it that takes away a little bit
Speaker 4: of that bitterness, and it doesn't make it sweet, Like
Speaker 4: the overall flavor is definitely not sweet, but for me,
Speaker 4: it makes it palatable instead of it being really really grassy,
Speaker 4: because we went to lunch last week and I was like, oh,
Speaker 4: I'm new on this march a train, but why do you.
Speaker 3: Keep trying to drink something that you don't actually like
Speaker 3: because it's got good stuff in it for you? It's
Speaker 3: like totally yeah.
Speaker 2: But you could also just get like a green soup
Speaker 2: powder that you can put in anything it tastes delicious.
Speaker 2: You don't have to force yourself to have the mucho
Speaker 2: if you don't want a giche, like if you don't
Speaker 2: like it, you don't have to add salted caramel to
Speaker 2: it too. Well.
Speaker 1: I like this one.
Speaker 4: So I have actually been having this for the past
Speaker 4: two weeks every morning, and it's palatable to me.
Speaker 1: So it's not palatable. It's not even good, it's just palatable.
Speaker 3: You can force yourself to drink healthy things you don't
Speaker 3: want as well if you.
Speaker 2: Want to just get it down.
Speaker 3: People who are drinking that, what is it? It's like
Speaker 3: a sea something like a sea kelp thing in the morning.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I've been watching.
Speaker 3: There's like a few influencers who like drink their sea
Speaker 3: kelp and they literally look like they're about to gag
Speaker 3: and vomit every time they do it, and I'm like,
Speaker 3: it's okay, it's okay to not drink every health thing
Speaker 3: out there.
Speaker 1: If it tastes awful, you don't have to do it
Speaker 1: on the weekend.
Speaker 2: They're just doing cocaine and putting all these other stuff
Speaker 2: into their body.
Speaker 1: But you have to have my seaweed. Yeah, that's a
Speaker 1: take them a plants. Same help anyway.
Speaker 4: Well, anyway, if you want to try and get yourself
Speaker 4: on the march to train, but like me, you haven't
Speaker 4: quite been able to make the jump because it's too grassy,
Speaker 4: I recommend this one. It is from Tea two. It's
Speaker 4: not the cheapest. The smallest tin is thirty eight dollars,
Speaker 4: so like, it's not a massive outlay, but yeah, salted
Speaker 4: much of milkshake flavored green tea powder.
Speaker 1: I'm currently enjoying it.
Speaker 3: And I'm currently sort of enjoying it that Keisha is
Speaker 3: fighting palatable. I have a recommendation for anyone who owns
Speaker 3: their own business and is looking to scale their business
Speaker 3: or is like actually very much working on the trajectory
Speaker 3: of getting more people onto their websites, growing their organic
Speaker 3: growth and also growing their paid growth. So we use
Speaker 3: a website. And I was thinking about this last night
Speaker 3: because we use it all the time, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 3: this is actually a great vibe for anyone who is
Speaker 3: either a small business or an established business. So it's
Speaker 3: called similar Web. Now anyone can go on and use
Speaker 3: similar Web. You could just use it because you're curious,
Speaker 3: but it's particularly great if you're trying to do market
Speaker 3: research based on other brands or brands to the brand
Speaker 3: that you have. And basically what you do is you
Speaker 3: go on them you type in. So for example, I
Speaker 3: can type in Tony May, and then I can type
Speaker 3: in by Charlotte, I can type in Temple of the Sun,
Speaker 3: I can type in Francesca, and I can compare traffic
Speaker 3: flow to my website based on all the traffic flow
Speaker 3: to all my competitive websites. I know how long people
Speaker 3: are spending on their pages, how many pages they've seen,
Speaker 3: how many hundreds of thousands of people have been to
Speaker 3: the website in a month's time.
Speaker 2: So you can tell how many people are going to
Speaker 2: your website versus like a competitive website.
Speaker 3: Absolutely so, because basically anytime you visit a website, your
Speaker 3: IP address is tracked, and that's how all that information
Speaker 3: is public information, so it's really great if you want
Speaker 3: to look at, for example, you might have really high
Speaker 3: clickthrough and really high product engagement, but you might not
Speaker 3: have very good organic growth for example, so you can
Speaker 3: compare where you sit to other brands. So it gives
Speaker 3: you a really clear understanding of the pillars that you
Speaker 3: need to work on in order to better improve your
Speaker 3: traffic flow to your website. It also gives you a
Speaker 3: really good understanding of where you sit in the market
Speaker 3: against your competitors, because you might think, oh, they're doing
Speaker 3: so much better than me, and look online and they
Speaker 3: have fifty thousand less people to their website per month
Speaker 3: than what you have. So it really is such a
Speaker 3: great gauge for figuring out where you sit in the
Speaker 3: market and the areas that you need to put some
Speaker 3: focus into and work better on. In terms of subscriptions
Speaker 3: and stuff for it, so like you can pay but
Speaker 3: it's quite expensive, whereas they have a free user, so
Speaker 3: I don't pay for it at all, and that still
Speaker 3: that gives you loads of accessibilities. So even if you
Speaker 3: don't pay for it, it's very very very worthwhile tool.
Speaker 2: For sure, sounds great.
Speaker 1: Let's get into the questions.
Speaker 2: Question number one, I want to do a nudy swim,
Speaker 2: but my boyfriend's against it. Hear me out. I live
Speaker 2: in Hobart and every year there is a really big
Speaker 2: nud to swim to celebrate the winter solstice. You have
Speaker 2: to register, there's no photography allowed. You all wear robes
Speaker 2: and swim caps, drop them then running into the water
Speaker 2: really quickly. Of course there's a lot of nudity, that's
Speaker 2: the whole point, but it's absolutely freezing, so it's not
Speaker 2: like everyone's hanging around stark naked looking at each other.
Speaker 2: I told my partner that I want to participate in
Speaker 2: the swim this year, and it did not go down well.
Speaker 2: He believes that it's a perverse event, just full of perverts.
Speaker 2: He doesn't really understand why it has to be nude,
Speaker 2: Like why can't you just go and do a swim
Speaker 2: to celebrate, which I sort of also get, like you
Speaker 2: could just go and do a normal swim. He doesn't
Speaker 2: understand why I would quote put myself in a situation
Speaker 2: with purves and to parade myself like meet in front
Speaker 2: of lions.
Speaker 1: That was just wow, it's bittraumatic.
Speaker 2: I find this language incredibly shaming. I'm sorry, I'm only
Speaker 2: laughing because the quote, Like, I just can't imagine a
Speaker 2: man saying that, Like why would you put yourself as
Speaker 2: meet in front of lions, Like it's just a swim.
Speaker 2: I find it incredibly shaming. It furthers the sexualization of
Speaker 2: female's bodies in a negative way. Am I the asshole
Speaker 2: for going ahead and doing it regardless of his feelings
Speaker 2: and his attitude?
Speaker 1: Nah, you're not Nashole.
Speaker 3: Like I mean, if you want to go for a
Speaker 3: Nudi swim because you think it's liberating, you don't have
Speaker 3: to ask for your partner's permission. You're not doing anything
Speaker 3: wrong in that case, like by any means, I mean.
Speaker 2: It will depends on the circumstance.
Speaker 3: You will have to like deal, Yeah, I mean, if
Speaker 3: you're going for a Nudi swim with some random DUDEIA
Speaker 3: met at a nightclubbe mean at midnight, sure, But if it's
Speaker 3: like an organized event, there's like seventy year old women
Speaker 3: out there doing it, I don't you know. I think
Speaker 3: he's sexualizing an event that's not a sexual event.
Speaker 1: That's like a hymn problem.
Speaker 3: But I also think if you can explain to him
Speaker 3: the reasons why you want to do it. Maybe you
Speaker 3: think it's liberating, whatever it is, like, it's something that
Speaker 3: puts outside your comfort zone that you.
Speaker 1: Want to be involved in.
Speaker 3: But his version of it, like what he has presumed
Speaker 3: is in his head, seems to be a bit of
Speaker 3: a twisted kind of reality based on what actually is.
Speaker 2: I mean, two minds about it, because I agree with
Speaker 2: everything that you just said, Laura, absolutely, but I've always
Speaker 2: said that it is something where you need to take
Speaker 2: partner's feelings into consideration. Now that doesn't mean you have
Speaker 2: to do what they say, but it means you need
Speaker 2: to have a conversation where you say, hey, I totally
Speaker 2: understand what you're saying, why it makes you uncomfortable, but
Speaker 2: this is why it's important to me, or this is
Speaker 2: why I want to do it, Like I think it's
Speaker 2: the conversation. I do think it's important. Like if Ben
Speaker 2: came to me and said he wanted to go and
Speaker 2: do something nude, I would say, Okay, cool, what is it?
Speaker 2: Why do you want to do it? And in all honesty,
Speaker 2: of course, this isn't a perverted event. It's an event
Speaker 2: that everyone does every year. Having said that, if I
Speaker 2: was a pervert. I would be looking up these events,
Speaker 2: and that's where I'd go. If I wanted to be
Speaker 2: a PERV, I would go to a NEWD event. That's
Speaker 2: what I do. So I don't want to say there's
Speaker 2: not going to be a PERV there. Maybe there is,
Speaker 2: like it checks out, but obviously that's not what the
Speaker 2: event is. I don't imagine there's going to be that
Speaker 2: many people lingering around nude having a cup of tea after.
Speaker 2: I think it's going to be so quick you'd barely
Speaker 2: see it. Robes are off, you're freezing, you run into
Speaker 2: the water, you're underwater, you run out, you put your
Speaker 2: robe on. I think, go for it, but you do
Speaker 2: have to take your part in the feelings at least
Speaker 2: into consideration a little bit.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 3: I mean, I question. I think the PERF to normal
Speaker 3: people ratio is going to be pretty slim.
Speaker 1: It is, the ratio is going to be. There's more
Speaker 1: pervs just out of the beach anyway.
Speaker 2: But if you're a PERV, laws you're going to go
Speaker 2: to the new events, right, You're going to look up
Speaker 2: new events. Everyone in the room knows that's true.
Speaker 3: Look, I mean, I don't I think maybe because I
Speaker 3: don't think it's a big deal, and I think it's
Speaker 3: weird to have such adverse reactions around it. Like to me,
Speaker 3: there's like this kind of like sense of ownership and insecurity,
Speaker 3: and I think that that's kind of what you're getting
Speaker 3: to when you say that it further sexualizes female bodies
Speaker 3: in a negative way.
Speaker 1: Am I the aursehole for going aheab?
Speaker 3: You don't need permission to do things that you want
Speaker 3: to do that have you know, an r about your body.
Speaker 3: If it's going to upset him, you can have a
Speaker 3: conversation with him, and then if you're willing to and
Speaker 3: you want to, you.
Speaker 1: Have to deal with that upset ask for forgiveness.
Speaker 3: You don't have to ask for permission, you know, Like
Speaker 3: not everyone approaches their relationship that way, But I don't
Speaker 3: know if that's.
Speaker 2: The best way to approach relationship.
Speaker 3: But sometimes sometimes I guess what I'm saying is like, obviously,
Speaker 3: don't do it with things that like deeply imp at
Speaker 3: your relationship. But when it's things like this, I think
Speaker 3: that he's being a little bit controlling to say that,
Speaker 3: and his reaction to this, the way he's using words
Speaker 3: like put yourself in a situation with pervs and parade
Speaker 3: yourself like meet in front of lions. He is creating
Speaker 3: something that this isn't Like the shame comes in him saying, it's.
Speaker 1: You parading yourself.
Speaker 3: You're behaving in a way that's like not conducive to
Speaker 3: being faithful within the relationship. Like there's a lot of
Speaker 3: accusatory tone in that without him even realizing that he's
Speaker 3: being accusatory. And that's because his perception of this is
Speaker 3: not the reality. So I just think it's a lot
Speaker 3: of conversations around it. But also ultimately, if you want
Speaker 3: to go and do it and it's something that you
Speaker 3: think is fun and wild and whatever, like, go and
Speaker 3: do it, Go and do it, and then deal with
Speaker 3: the consequences of his weird ass reactions afterwards.
Speaker 2: I don't agree. I don't think go and do it
Speaker 2: and deal with it later. I still think you need
Speaker 2: to have the conversation, and I give him the benefit
Speaker 2: of the doubt. I don't think he realizes come watch.
Speaker 1: You can be the perv.
Speaker 2: Come with me, yeah, fully clothed, and.
Speaker 1: Watch me run down and jump in a creek and
Speaker 1: get out like eyes.
Speaker 2: I think when it comes to normally, I completely agree,
Speaker 2: But I think when it comes to full nudity in
Speaker 2: a situation, I don't want to say that that's not
Speaker 2: a conversation to have with your partner, because I absolutely
Speaker 2: do think it is. People get funny about their partners
Speaker 2: be nude in front of other people, Like I think
Speaker 2: it'd be remiss of us to say it's normal, go
Speaker 2: and do it. It's absolutely not. And if I went
Speaker 2: and did a nude swim completely Starkers in broad daylight
Speaker 2: with people that could look at me take photos and
Speaker 2: I hadn't told Ben, Ben would also be like, wow,
Speaker 2: was that not something like you should have told me
Speaker 2: you were doing? Not a control thing. But I think
Speaker 2: when we're talking about being completely naked, it is something
Speaker 2: that you need to talk to your partner and be like, hey,
Speaker 2: I really want to do this. This is why I
Speaker 2: don't think the right thing is to say sucked in.
Speaker 2: I did it, and I asked for forgiveness later. I
Speaker 2: don't know.
Speaker 3: I have a question for you. Do you think you
Speaker 3: need to ask a permission to someun back topless at
Speaker 3: the beach?
Speaker 2: No, but this isn't about permission. I don't think she
Speaker 2: needs to ask permission. I just think it's the conversation
Speaker 2: that you have first, not asking for fear life.
Speaker 1: I know, but she's already asked him.
Speaker 3: She's already told him that she wants to do it,
Speaker 3: and he's made it very clear.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you don't.
Speaker 3: So it is essentially asking for permission now. She's at
Speaker 3: a point now where she needs him to say it's okay.
Speaker 3: So it's like, Okay, if you went to the beach
Speaker 3: and you some baked topless, and your boyfriend turned around
Speaker 3: and said, why would you put yourself in a situation
Speaker 3: where you're flaunting yourself in front of pervs, parading yourself around?
Speaker 3: Like I would have a real issue with that language.
Speaker 3: I'd be like, I'm not laying at the beach. Oh,
Speaker 3: also I don't sunbake, So like that's not what I'm saying,
Speaker 3: But like I would be angry at them for trying
Speaker 3: to imply a sexualization of it or that I was
Speaker 3: doing it to be and to do something that's like untrustworthy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I agree with that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think she needs to ask for permission,
Speaker 2: That's not what I'm saying. I do not believe it
Speaker 2: is and ask for forgiveness later. Thing I think out
Speaker 2: of respect for your partner, you need to make him
Speaker 2: understand the language that he used and why it's not right,
Speaker 2: and make him understand why you want to do it,
Speaker 2: because it is okay for a partner to have insecurities
Speaker 2: about their partner being naked with other people in Like,
Speaker 2: I don't want to take that away and say that
Speaker 2: that's normal. It's also not normal, but it's okay as
Speaker 2: long as the communications there. That's what That's what I'm
Speaker 2: trying to get at.
Speaker 4: I think what you're getting at is that there is
Speaker 4: a difference in the intention of whether he's been controlling
Speaker 4: about your body and the sexualization of your body, or
Speaker 4: whether he's trying to be protective of you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 4: Like? Yeah, I think the intention behind why he has
Speaker 4: a problem with it is important in this case, but
Speaker 4: I don't know what the intention is because of some of.
Speaker 1: The words that he's used. That's what I mean. It's
Speaker 1: a little bit controlling.
Speaker 3: I agree with what you're saying, Okasha, and I know
Speaker 3: that that's what we're landing on. But the use of
Speaker 3: why would you want to parade yourself around implies that
Speaker 3: she's doing something that is wrong. And that she's seeking attention.
Speaker 3: That's what I have issue with. If he was like, Hey,
Speaker 3: you know, I just am so worried about your safety
Speaker 3: because there's people out there who are just gross, that's
Speaker 3: a super different conversation. But he is the one that
Speaker 3: has m shame into this and that's why she's sitting
Speaker 3: there go oh way, okay, this is really odd. I
Speaker 3: would also question, does your partner have super conservative views?
Speaker 3: Is he a very conservative person, in which case maybe
Speaker 3: there is things that you're not aligned on in terms
Speaker 3: of how conservative you are versus him. Does he have
Speaker 3: like specific ideas around like how a woman should behave
Speaker 3: in a relationship, Like is that something that has ever
Speaker 3: come up before? Maybe not, Maybe it's not a big deal.
Speaker 3: Maybe this is an isolated incidence. But I do think
Speaker 3: that there's other little bits that you can unpack in this.
Speaker 2: And I also think there's just like I really want
Speaker 2: to break this down a little bit. We're all for
Speaker 2: the fact that women's bodies shouldn't be sexualized. So when
Speaker 2: you said it further is the sexualization of female bodies?
Speaker 2: It absolutely does. But that's because he's a male. He
Speaker 2: knows how men think. He knows that women's bodies are sexualized.
Speaker 2: That doesn't mean it's okay, and that doesn't mean it
Speaker 2: should be. We know it shouldn't be, but we still
Speaker 2: live in a world where it is. So he's still
Speaker 2: hyper aware of knowing that if you are naked as
Speaker 2: a young female in public in daylight, he knows that
Speaker 2: there'll be people that are going to sexualize you. He
Speaker 2: knows that they're could be people with cameras. He knows
Speaker 2: that people will look at you. So I just think
Speaker 2: these are all things to take into consideration. He hasn't
Speaker 2: communicated it in the right way, and I think that's
Speaker 2: the issue. I'm not convinced this is about being controlling.
Speaker 2: It doesn't sound that way.
Speaker 4: I think what you said was interesting was I think
Speaker 4: it actually does depend on how you've u nudity. Like
Speaker 4: even between my relationship, I will walk from my bedroom
Speaker 4: down to the bathroom and there are multiple windows, and
Speaker 4: I couldn't give a shit if.
Speaker 1: Someone seems me naked, like blind as much.
Speaker 2: Ben's always like people would pay for that. It's like, Babe,
Speaker 2: your neighbors are like literally looking at you right now
Speaker 2: on the phone to me naked, and I'm like it's cool,
Speaker 2: Like whatever.
Speaker 4: You know, if they don't want to see it, they
Speaker 4: can turn away to an extent. I'm in my own house.
Speaker 4: So I think some people just view nudity differently.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 4: Some people are like I could never even imagine ever
Speaker 4: being comfortable doing that around a big group of people,
Speaker 4: Like it's just not anything I would ever want to do.
Speaker 4: And so maybe he falls into that category. And like
Speaker 4: you said, he is a bit more conservative and didn't
Speaker 4: grow up in like a naked household.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I get that.
Speaker 3: I mean I do come back to this idea, and
Speaker 3: it it reinforces what you just said, Britt, that some
Speaker 3: men do sexualize women's bodies, and I don't think it's
Speaker 3: a protection thing. I think he sexualizes women's bodies. That's
Speaker 3: the problem. I think he is of that mentality.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Probably, so his viewpoint of.
Speaker 3: This is the issue, and that's what I have taken
Speaker 3: a stance against in terms of, like just do it
Speaker 3: anyway and ask for forgiveness because his opinion of this
Speaker 3: is not the correct one.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I thought I'd be doing it. Go for
Speaker 2: a swim free, the nip take the dip CLP dip free,
Speaker 2: the nip free, the clip take the dip too far. No,
Speaker 2: because there's complete nudy to get a clit out she is,
Speaker 2: it's nudity, it's out.
Speaker 1: How is her clit out? What she pulling it out? No?
Speaker 2: I mean out is in and no unders on. Don't
Speaker 2: take us so literally. She's not going to run down
Speaker 2: with a point of vagina apartment.
Speaker 1: Okay, next question.
Speaker 3: My partner and I have been together for five years, engaged,
Speaker 3: very much in love and happy in our relationship. We
Speaker 3: have an open phone policy, meaning having no issues with
Speaker 3: being on each other's phones or for whatever reason on
Speaker 3: road trips, which have been frequent lately. My service cuts
Speaker 3: out regularly and I love a doom scroll through reels
Speaker 3: and also Instagram just to pass the time. He's happy
Speaker 3: for me to do this on his phone while mine
Speaker 3: is out of service. Every single time I open his Instagram,
Speaker 3: his for you page is just flooded with women who
Speaker 3: hold only fans accounts posting pics of their enormous, wonderful body.
Speaker 3: I say good for them in that regard, and I
Speaker 3: have no shame on women who choose to do this.
Speaker 3: I have tried to joke slash banter with him about
Speaker 3: this in the past, and he mentioned that it's simply
Speaker 3: because his algorithm is based around him being an average
Speaker 3: thirty year old male. When I look at my for
Speaker 3: you page, my algorithm is formed by stupid reels, memes,
Speaker 3: and animals that I engage with daily. My question is,
Speaker 3: does Instagram form an algorithm based on your age and
Speaker 3: gender or for what you show interest and consume in
Speaker 3: most frequently, I have no issue with him watching porn. However,
Speaker 3: just for some reason, the idea that my partner may
Speaker 3: be frequently scrolling through or searching for posts related to
Speaker 3: OnlyFans or women with body types that are poll the
Speaker 3: opposite to my own leaves this unsettling feeling in my
Speaker 3: stomach and perhaps shatters my ego slightly.
Speaker 2: I mean, he's full of bullshit, to be honest. The
Speaker 2: start the Instagram doesn't say, oh, you are a thirty
Speaker 2: seven year old male, I will feed you OnlyFans models.
Speaker 3: That feeds you specifically wonderful, full bodied women who have
Speaker 3: only fans.
Speaker 2: That is not how it works. Let's open our Instagram quickly, and.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I want to share a lot
Speaker 1: of more.
Speaker 2: Mine is okay. I've got multiple weddings, I've got pregnancies.
Speaker 2: And I've got a hen's party.
Speaker 1: Mine's weird.
Speaker 3: I have pimple popping, which I don't really watch much
Speaker 3: of those. I've got a girl with lobsided boobs and
Speaker 3: she's posting about it's literally says lobsided breasts like and save.
Speaker 1: I have a snake being caught in a water bottle.
Speaker 1: And I have.
Speaker 3: A person picking hair out of silicone. I don't know
Speaker 3: why I have lots of like human picking things. I mean,
Speaker 3: I'm not against it, We're just.
Speaker 1: Proving that these are actually specific.
Speaker 4: Mine's all hair stuff because I got my head on
Speaker 4: last week, so I was searching that last week hair stuff,
Speaker 4: a bit of fashion and ADHD content.
Speaker 1: That's my whole for you page.
Speaker 2: Yeah, mine's literally one on like supplements I use in
Speaker 2: menstrual follicular ovulation and lutell phases for pregnancies. Mine's very like,
Speaker 2: I am not being fed typical things. I'm being fed
Speaker 2: things that are very specific to me now and what
Speaker 2: I search and probably what I'm talking about a lot
Speaker 2: because your phone listens.
Speaker 3: I mean, I look at my for you page and
Speaker 3: I don't look at that and think that that is
Speaker 3: a perfect representation of the stuff that I Google or
Speaker 3: where I'm at in life.
Speaker 2: Like, sometimes I'm on my for you page that.
Speaker 1: Doesn't surprise me.
Speaker 2: We recommend me.
Speaker 1: How many times have you googled Brittany Hockley Though.
Speaker 2: I don't that's what I'm saying, but it's obviously just thought. Hey,
Speaker 2: here's someone that's your age that's like putting content out there.
Speaker 2: It's also on radio. I'm like, that is me, Okay.
Speaker 3: I would say that most people are pretty aware that
Speaker 3: generally a for you page is catered to the things
Speaker 3: that you have interest in.
Speaker 1: Yeah, obviously it doesn't always get it right.
Speaker 3: There's going to be times when it's fed something because
Speaker 3: you know, it's picked up on something that you've searched
Speaker 3: or you've potentially liked or whatever, and you will find
Speaker 3: yourself in an algorithm that wasn't meant for you.
Speaker 1: We've all been there.
Speaker 3: It's all happened to us, and you kind of wonder,
Speaker 3: how the fuck did I end up in this corner
Speaker 3: of the Internet. However, the consistency of the type of
Speaker 3: content that he's receiving would indicate that the reason why
Speaker 3: he's receiving it is because he's engaging with it. But
Speaker 3: I don't know if that's the question as much as
Speaker 3: is it a bad thing, Like if he's very honest
Speaker 3: with his phone, if he has no qualms with you
Speaker 3: going through his Instagram, and I mean like he's cool
Speaker 3: with you sitting there scrolling next to him. He sounds
Speaker 3: like he's incredibly trustworthy with what he's doing on his phone.
Speaker 3: If he hovers a bit too long on a woman
Speaker 3: who he finds interesting, is that that triggering? Like is
Speaker 3: that to you something that you would start to feel
Speaker 3: insecurities around your own sense of ego like you've said,
Speaker 3: or sense of that it leaves this unsettling feeling in
Speaker 3: your stomach. I think that sometimes we worry too much
Speaker 3: about things that don't necessarily indicate a big problem, and
Speaker 3: you could create a problem that shouldn't exist.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the number one thing here for me is like
Speaker 2: your open phone policy. The guy doesn't have anything to hide, Yeah,
Speaker 2: and he doesn't think that he's done anything wrong. We also,
Speaker 2: in terms of what we can control our partner looking
Speaker 2: at you can't like, you can't tell your partner you
Speaker 2: can never look at a hot female on Instagram Like
Speaker 2: that's impossible, And that comes down to being controlling where
Speaker 2: that boundary is crossed is when someone is engaging in
Speaker 2: pawn or actually communicating with OnlyFans models like where they've
Speaker 2: subscribed and totally. But when we're talking about what pops
Speaker 2: up on your Instagram, it's like, you've just got to
Speaker 2: accept that they're going to look at things as much
Speaker 2: as you're going to look at things. And unless they
Speaker 2: are messaging them and engaging with them, I think you
Speaker 2: need to sort of I don't want to say you
Speaker 2: need to be okay with it, but you probably can't
Speaker 2: be not okay with it. In a way you need
Speaker 2: to tell yourself, Hey, he loves me, he is with me. Yeah,
Speaker 2: we are creating a life together. We trust each other
Speaker 2: because we have this open phone policy. Is it the
Speaker 2: end of the world if he looks at something online? Like,
Speaker 2: we're all human beings, We're all gonna look at stuff,
Speaker 2: even the way we've been joking the past couple of
Speaker 2: weeks about fake chatting Tatum two point zero. Like we
Speaker 2: joke about him, we say he's whole, We say whatever
Speaker 2: are we joking?
Speaker 1: Sorry?
Speaker 2: Totally joking better, But like, but in terms of that's
Speaker 2: such a normal part of human nature is to look
Speaker 2: at other people, be interested, be curious be attracted, Like
Speaker 2: you can't help being attracted to someone you see online.
Speaker 2: How often we see someone where you're like, Wow, she's beautiful,
Speaker 2: Wow he's a smoke show.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's an interesting one because I think sometimes when
Speaker 3: we answer these questions, it's very obvious that we're like, oh,
Speaker 3: you know, he's doing the dirty or he's not doing
Speaker 3: the dirty. But like, if he's engaging exactly like you said,
Speaker 3: that's a whole different story. I think the for you page, yes,
Speaker 3: it's an indication of content that someone might be pausing
Speaker 3: on to look at. But just because they're pausing on
Speaker 3: to look at it doesn't mean that they're going deep
Speaker 3: on it, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And like the algorithm is weird. It is not a one.
Speaker 3: Hundred percent full proof situation where every single thing you're
Speaker 3: fed is because it's exactly the person or the type
Speaker 3: of content that you engage with in terms of like comment, share, follow,
Speaker 3: I don't think it's a perfect recipe. And also, you know,
Speaker 3: just because he stops and he looks like Instagram is
Speaker 3: now flooded with women who have only fans accounts, and
Speaker 3: I stop and look, you know, it's not because I'm
Speaker 3: sexually wanting to, you know, do anything or think anything.
Speaker 1: But sometimes I'm like.
Speaker 3: Wow, that's that's a great photo. I can't take a
Speaker 3: photo like that, you know, like and I'll stop and look.
Speaker 3: Then the for you page might start suggesting it's not
Speaker 3: because it's content that I'm necessarily like deeply engaged with.
Speaker 3: I'm sure he is more engaged with it than I am. However,
Speaker 3: I just don't think that it's worth the argument at
Speaker 3: this point. If that's the only red flag that you've
Speaker 3: got in your relationship, I'm like, let the guy fucking
Speaker 3: look at Instagram every swaften and see a hot chick.
Speaker 2: And also it's really hard because the end of this is,
Speaker 2: and I think every woman will relate to this of
Speaker 2: this is like it shatters my ego that they look
Speaker 2: a certain way and I'm never going to look like that.
Speaker 2: And I get that, and that's every woman gets that.
Speaker 2: Actually probably most men get that too. Like comparison is
Speaker 2: the thief of joy, very deep quote, and it's almost impossible.
Speaker 2: It's so easy to sit here and say like, you're beautiful,
Speaker 2: know you're worth We understand that. That's one thing to say,
Speaker 2: it is another thing to really do It takes a
Speaker 2: pretty big person to have done a lot of work
Speaker 2: to never feel a sense of insecurity or wish that
Speaker 2: they could change something about them. Even the most confident
Speaker 2: people will always have that feeling. So I don't want
Speaker 2: to come here and say like, that's silly. Don't feel
Speaker 2: like that, as much as it is silly, don't feel
Speaker 2: like that you're in this loving, secure relationship. I do
Speaker 2: want to validate you. Saying hey, I do it makes
Speaker 2: me feel pretty shitty and a little bit crushed. But again,
Speaker 2: I think that comes down to literally the basic of
Speaker 2: saying to him, I feel really shit when I say
Speaker 2: I don't feel good when I see this, because that
Speaker 2: conversation might be exactly what you need, where he's like, babe,
Speaker 2: you are perfect to me. Yeah.
Speaker 3: But my response to that is, how often do you
Speaker 3: check Ben's for you page? I don't think I've ever
Speaker 3: checked matts for you page. Stop checking it.
Speaker 2: No, I'm just talking I'm not talking about that. I'm
Speaker 2: just talking about like validating feeling the ego totally.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: But I think the thing is is take some self
Speaker 3: initiative in this. If you're looking at his for you
Speaker 3: page and it's making you feel sad, but you also
Speaker 3: know he hasn't done anything wrong. I think we need
Speaker 3: to have some self control and stop looking at things
Speaker 3: that make us feel negative, because it's like you can't
Speaker 3: project that on him and make that his problem. When
Speaker 3: we don't have a clear cut and to find way
Speaker 3: that the algorithm spits out every single piece of content
Speaker 3: that's fed to you, I would just say, like, I've
Speaker 3: never looked at Matt's for you, Paige, I'm so interested.
Speaker 3: I'm going to go home and look at it now.
Speaker 2: I think we should all go and ask for screenshots.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna look at this for you page. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: report back on next episode.
Speaker 3: But the thing is is, even if there are hot
Speaker 3: chicks in bikinis and girls who look so incredible and
Speaker 3: who comparatively are way hotter than me, I'm not gonna
Speaker 3: to look at that and then be angry at him
Speaker 3: that he found that attractive.
Speaker 2: Do you know?
Speaker 3: I mean I'm not gonna be angry at him that
Speaker 3: he paused and looked at that. I would be angry
Speaker 3: at him if he was paying a subscription on her
Speaker 3: only fans and messaging him. Yeah, that's a whole different conversation.
Speaker 3: But that's not what this is. So I think if
Speaker 3: something's triggering you, you also got to be responsible for
Speaker 3: the trigger. Stop going and scrolling his Instagram just because
Speaker 3: you don't have service. Like he's being honest and open
Speaker 3: with you, don't punish him for that honesty.
Speaker 2: Question number three, This is for you, probably, Laura, because
Speaker 2: you are in this position. Sure is a surname that important?
Speaker 2: If you're Meghan Michael, yes, it's Meghan Sussex.
Speaker 1: Sorry, she's told you that.
Speaker 3: If you're Megan Sussex, yes, I've been with my partner,
Speaker 3: Meghan write this.
Speaker 1: In it is actually, oh my god, it is. It's
Speaker 1: for Megan.
Speaker 2: It says it's from the Duchess of anonymous guy.
Speaker 1: Sorry Megan, Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Speaker 2: I've been with my partner for six years and we
Speaker 2: have two beautiful children.
Speaker 1: It's Megan.
Speaker 2: He's the last one in his family to get married,
Speaker 2: and he's just decided to leave the royal family. So weird. No,
Speaker 2: he's the last person in his family to get married,
Speaker 2: and I always said to him that I would like
Speaker 2: to at least have the same surname as my children
Speaker 2: before my eldest goes to school. Now, our eldest is
Speaker 2: enrolled to start school next year, and I don't see
Speaker 2: us getting married this year. It makes me sad that
Speaker 2: we don't all have the same surname, because that's always
Speaker 2: been something that I have wanted coming from a divorced family.
Speaker 2: Is it too much to put an ultimatum on him?
Speaker 2: Am I overthinking this? Does a surname really matter? I
Speaker 2: know how many women want to keep their maiden names. However,
Speaker 2: I personally do not have a solid relationship with my dad,
Speaker 2: so I've never really wanted his surname. Anyway, A surname,
Speaker 2: to me solidifies the family unit. I also don't really want.
Speaker 1: A big wedding.
Speaker 2: I would be very happy to just go and sign
Speaker 2: a piece of paper. What are your thoughts?
Speaker 3: This is a really tricky one because I also think
Speaker 3: and like look, surnames are not important to me. I've
Speaker 3: kept my last name. I grew up in a household
Speaker 3: that had heaps of last name, so for me, it
Speaker 3: was the true well three there were three separate last
Speaker 3: names at one point. To me, a last name doesn't
Speaker 3: signify family. But I know that other people feel differently.
Speaker 3: And the difference in this question is that you communicated
Speaker 3: that early on with your husband, or you're sorry with
Speaker 3: your partner that a last name was important, and when
Speaker 3: your children were born, you forfeited the opportunity for your.
Speaker 1: Children to have your last name.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because that's a decision you could have made had
Speaker 3: you thought that your partner was never going.
Speaker 1: To actually marry you and that you were never going
Speaker 1: to have his last name.
Speaker 3: Right, Because when you give birth, you make a decision
Speaker 3: whose last name you put on that birth certificate. So
Speaker 3: I'm guessing that you've made this clear throughout this entire
Speaker 3: part of your relationship, that this is something that means
Speaker 3: a lot to you. So I understand why you're now
Speaker 3: at a point where you're like, Hey, this sucks, Like
Speaker 3: I wanted this. I gave our children your last name.
Speaker 3: You have a family unit in terms of like the
Speaker 3: recognition of that with them, and you have not given
Speaker 3: me the same respect.
Speaker 1: I guess I would.
Speaker 3: Have very honest and I know it comes down to
Speaker 3: a conversation, but I would have a very honest conversation
Speaker 3: with him around that point.
Speaker 1: Maybe it is, and I don't know if it's.
Speaker 3: Even legally possible. Can you change your last name to
Speaker 3: someone's last name without being married?
Speaker 1: Is that weird?
Speaker 2: No, you can change your name. You can literally go
Speaker 2: and change any part of your name without getting married.
Speaker 2: You just have to file a change of name, so
Speaker 2: you can go and do it. But I don't think
Speaker 2: you can just go and surprise him and be like,
Speaker 2: change my name without the wedding.
Speaker 3: No, But I mean you can have a conversation with
Speaker 3: him and be like, hey, I know we've spoken about marriage.
Speaker 3: I know it's on the cards at some point in
Speaker 3: the future. I don't want to force you into that prematurely.
Speaker 2: Ten years and two kids. It's not prematurely.
Speaker 3: No, six years, six years and two kids. But also, like,
Speaker 3: you know, if he said I'm going to do it
Speaker 3: before school, then didn't do it like I think you
Speaker 3: can if you wanted to take that into your own
Speaker 3: hands and be like, hey, it's really important to me
Speaker 3: that we all have the same last name. I've communicated
Speaker 3: this many times, You've always been on board with it,
Speaker 3: and now we're at this point where it just feels
Speaker 3: like laziness more than it feels like it's actually a.
Speaker 1: Stance against you not knowing what you want.
Speaker 3: You know, it's not like I don't know I read that,
Speaker 3: and I don't think that he's turned around and being like, oh,
Speaker 3: I'm not sure whether I want to marry who or not.
Speaker 3: I think that some people are just complacent and lazy.
Speaker 2: I think he can't be bothered. But that's all it is.
Speaker 3: You know, he's got his beautiful family, he's got two kids,
Speaker 3: everyone's happy. Organizing a wedding is a pain in the ass,
Speaker 3: and he's like, ah, just I'll do it when I
Speaker 3: do it, even though that's not like a good enough reason.
Speaker 3: I do think that that can sometimes be the outcome.
Speaker 3: But I understand. I want to validate you, like I
Speaker 3: understand why this is important to you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, totally. And that's the thing here. If it's not
Speaker 2: important to you, it's not important. If it is, it is,
Speaker 2: That's what it comes down to. Every single person is different,
Speaker 2: and for you, it's something that really matters. It's literally
Speaker 2: what you're thinking about. You've written in to us about it.
Speaker 2: To me, this just screams it's not a priority. You together,
Speaker 2: You've been together a long time, the kids are going
Speaker 2: to school. It's not a priority for him. Evidently, I
Speaker 2: think you need to double down on how important it
Speaker 2: is to you and also just let him know that, hey,
Speaker 2: can we literally just go and sign the registry, get
Speaker 2: married together. It doesn't have to be a big thing,
Speaker 2: it doesn't have to be expensive. We can go in close.
Speaker 2: We've already got However, basic need to make that for
Speaker 2: him if you're happy with it. But if, of course,
Speaker 2: if you actually want a wedding, then I don't want
Speaker 2: you to sacrifice that moment either to get the surname. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but I think you do need to tell him how
Speaker 2: important it is to you. Alternatively, as we did say,
Speaker 2: I do know people that have just changed their names
Speaker 2: without marriage. You do have to just go and file it.
Speaker 2: But then if the marriage part is equally as important
Speaker 2: as the changing of the surname, you're also sacrificing that.
Speaker 2: I think if you present this into him in a
Speaker 2: way where you're like, hey, we can literally Elope, let's
Speaker 2: do it, I would find it hard for him to
Speaker 2: not be on board with that. From the information you've given.
Speaker 1: Us, I don't know, it's really tricky.
Speaker 3: My only thing though, is you've said, is it too
Speaker 3: much to put an ultimatum on him?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 3: Yeah, what's the ultimatum? Like, what are you going to say,
Speaker 3: marry me or I'm leaving? Like do you want that, like,
Speaker 3: is it that important to you? I mean, an ultimatum
Speaker 3: always has to come with a consequence. That's the point
Speaker 3: of an ultimatum, And I just don't know what the
Speaker 3: consequence would be in a situation apart from you leaving
Speaker 3: your relationship, which sounds proper to me a little bit crazy.
Speaker 3: When you've said that you've been with your partner, you
Speaker 3: have a beautiful relationship, and you've got two kids together
Speaker 3: and you're very happy. That seems extremely like reactional. If
Speaker 3: it's not a wedding, or if it's not married yet,
Speaker 3: maybe he's not ready. Maybe he's not, and that's a
Speaker 3: very real possibility. We can't force the guy into marrying
Speaker 3: you if he's not. But maybe there is a situation
Speaker 3: where you could change your name or use the same
Speaker 3: last name, even if it's not legally binding, use the
Speaker 3: same last name when it comes to you know, discussions
Speaker 3: at school and everything else, so that the kids feel
Speaker 3: as though it's a unity in terms of a last name. However,
Speaker 3: the only thing I want to end this on is
Speaker 3: that a last name is only important because it's important
Speaker 3: to you, and it's really like kids understand family units
Speaker 3: beyond what a last name looks like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you made a really good point too. We're
Speaker 2: talking about this the other day, like believe it or
Speaker 2: not as friends off Mike, but Laurie, you were saying,
Speaker 2: you know it is as much as you didn't care
Speaker 2: about it, You're like, wow, it does make things harder
Speaker 2: all of a sudden. There are different names for passports.
Speaker 2: You've got to be able to prove that you're not
Speaker 2: kidnapping a child, and like, oh, y's a lot that
Speaker 2: comes with it logistically as well. That will make your
Speaker 2: life easier.
Speaker 3: So like to give you guys a bit of insight,
Speaker 3: Like obviously, flying to Africa recently with my two children,
Speaker 3: so I was flying with them solo. Matt was already overseas.
Speaker 3: But I don't have the same legal last name as
Speaker 3: my kids. My last name's burned. Their last name is
Speaker 3: you know, Johnson on their passports and also on their
Speaker 3: birth certificates, which means that anytime I travel internationally to
Speaker 3: somewhere that is part of the Geneva Convention, I have
Speaker 3: to have all of the documents that are signed by Matt.
Speaker 3: I have to have copies of his passport to prove
Speaker 3: that I'm able to travel with my children without their father,
Speaker 3: So it's a lot of preparation that I need to
Speaker 3: go through in order to travel with them solo. It's
Speaker 3: to protect children from child trafficking. Evidently it's a very
Speaker 3: important thing that exists. But for me it adds an
Speaker 3: extra layer of complications because we have separate last names.
Speaker 2: So would you think about changing your name? Not that publicly,
Speaker 2: but just for that purpose, just like for the documentation.
Speaker 3: Well, because once every five years I might travel somewhere
Speaker 3: without Matt.
Speaker 1: No, no, I can't bother that.
Speaker 2: I think it's more than that too. I think it's
Speaker 2: like tying a sense of family, like growing up. I
Speaker 2: don't know. For me, I totally understand wanting to have
Speaker 2: the same name, but I also understand how hard it is.
Speaker 2: I'm in this discussion at the moment with Ben what
Speaker 2: name do we take? And obviously we don't have kids yet,
Speaker 2: but we plan on it. But like do I take secrets?
Speaker 2: Do we do hockey secrets? Does Ben take Hockley?
Speaker 3: My interpretation of this is that when you say a
Speaker 3: tying of a sense of family, that sense of family
Speaker 3: and that sense of tying is totally your own personal
Speaker 3: interpretation of it.
Speaker 1: It's not for your kids.
Speaker 3: I don't think kids grow up questioning what family looks
Speaker 3: like to them based on a last name.
Speaker 2: And I'm sorry I might have said that wrong. I
Speaker 2: mean more is in like and this isn't the right word,
Speaker 2: but like ownership, that's not.
Speaker 1: The right word.
Speaker 2: I mean like when teachers are in a class reading
Speaker 2: a roll call, it's like putting which families are with which,
Speaker 2: And I don't know how to explain that. But I
Speaker 2: don't mean like you belong to a family because you
Speaker 2: have the name in terms of your sense of belonging.
Speaker 2: I mean more outwardly facing too, like when you're checking
Speaker 2: into a plane, when you're doing a role calling class.
Speaker 2: I mean that kind of thing. There's a lot there's
Speaker 2: a lot of ease that would come from everyone in
Speaker 2: the family having the last name, but it does not
Speaker 2: signify what a family unit is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 3: And what I find the most interesting though, and I
Speaker 3: would say that there are a lot of women who
Speaker 3: have been in the same boat as what I was.
Speaker 3: It was interesting to me that, even though I knew
Speaker 3: I wasn't going to take Matt's last name, that I
Speaker 3: didn't consider what last name our children would have. I
Speaker 3: just assumed that my children would have the last name Johnson,
Speaker 3: and that that assumption comes from so many years of
Speaker 3: like gender stereotyping in relationships. And when I think about
Speaker 3: it now, I mean, there's no part of me that
Speaker 3: regrets it, obviously, like it makes no difference to me.
Speaker 3: But I do think, like, why didn't I consider Burn?
Speaker 3: Like why was Johnson so obviously and immediately more important
Speaker 3: than my last name when I had every intention to
Speaker 3: keep my last name And Matt would never change his
Speaker 3: last name to Burn in a million years. So it's like,
Speaker 3: why is it that his last name was the more
Speaker 3: important one in terms of our family unit than mine.
Speaker 4: I have a friend, Sam Blacker, he was a radio friend,
Speaker 4: and he has a baby who's won.
Speaker 1: Now we're talking about this.
Speaker 4: Just last week, they gave the baby his wife's name
Speaker 4: because he was like, she birthed the baby, you know.
Speaker 4: He kind of made a joke that he was like,
Speaker 4: there's so much misogyny in this world. If this is
Speaker 4: the one thing I can do to try and combat
Speaker 4: it in my own family, I'm going to give my
Speaker 4: kid my wife's last names. Yeah.
Speaker 3: It's a fascinating thing, and unfortunately for a lot of
Speaker 3: women because they do give their children a different last
Speaker 3: name to their own, they give that up, you know
Speaker 3: what I mean, Like, they give that up forever, and
Speaker 3: if the relationship doesn't work out, if they do never
Speaker 3: get married, Like potentially, I'm not saying that that's what's
Speaker 3: going to happen in this instance, but potentially you then
Speaker 3: forever never have the same last name as your children
Speaker 3: because you didn't even consider that as an option when
Speaker 3: they were born.
Speaker 2: That's what I was thinking of hyphenating them, so if
Speaker 2: anything happens, I can just drop one.
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally.
Speaker 4: At the airport though, being the one who grew the
Speaker 4: baby and still having to have documentation like that would
Speaker 4: actually annoy.
Speaker 1: Me, It's for me. It didn't annoy me at all.
Speaker 3: I was like, thank god, we have systems in place
Speaker 3: that protect our kids.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that make it a place to be.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that make it so hard to take.
Speaker 4: All.
Speaker 1: Right, Well, look, guys, that is it from us.
Speaker 3: If you have any questions, but ask Uncut, slide into
Speaker 3: the DMS at Life Uncut Podcasts sent us your dilemmas
Speaker 3: and we would do our best to answer them. And like,
Speaker 3: also with that last question, I'd love to hear from
Speaker 3: anyone who have different dynamics in terms of like how
Speaker 3: they chose to name their children, and whether you kept
Speaker 3: your last name, whether your husband changed their last name
Speaker 3: to yours, like how do you navigate those situations?
Speaker 2: Well, the only other thing that I did want to
Speaker 2: say but that we didn't say, but I'm going to
Speaker 2: say now, is that it's so dependent on your individual situation,
Speaker 2: so many aspects in terms of do you have a
Speaker 2: particular connection with your last name, do you have zero
Speaker 2: connection with your last name? Does your partner have zero
Speaker 2: connection to the last name. Like if my partner hated
Speaker 2: their family, hated their dad, hated the name, hated the connection,
Speaker 2: and I was close to mine and they still want
Speaker 2: to keep their name, I wouldn't understand that. So I
Speaker 2: think that it's really individual to every situation. Some people
Speaker 2: are more attached to it than others. Maybe the family
Speaker 2: name is not going to be passed on, Like if
Speaker 2: I have two brothers that have like twenty eight thousand
Speaker 2: kids between them, Hockley is being passed on.
Speaker 1: So I don't know.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean Burn is rife, so no one cares
Speaker 3: about that name. Every second street and island is Burn.
Speaker 2: But if I was if it was just Sherry and
Speaker 2: I we're only females, then I probably would feel more
Speaker 2: of a connection to want to keep my name and
Speaker 2: pass on the heritage. So I think it's dependent on
Speaker 2: every situation. Anyway, I'll shut up now, I see you later. Guys,
Speaker 2: don't forget too, mum's don't dad, tet dog tea, friends
Speaker 2: and share the love because we love love