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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, I've had two adults who have literally been examples

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Speaker 2: of what it means to be in the moment and

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Speaker 2: to listen and hear and understand a little person's big feelings.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 3: Hello, this is dopor Justin cours On here with Kylie,

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Speaker 3: my wife, mum to our six kids. We are the

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Speaker 3: Happy Family's podcast team. And Kylie, did you know that

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Speaker 3: we're coming up to twenty three years of marriage?

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Speaker 2: It's pretty awesome.

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Speaker 4: Hey, did you know that? Or am I reminding you?

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Speaker 2: I knew that? Why are you asking me if I

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Speaker 2: knew that?

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Speaker 4: So we did you know that?

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Speaker 2: You booked to the calendar?

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Speaker 4: I just said it.

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Speaker 3: If you're wondering, by the way, why Kylie and I

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Speaker 3: sound like we're in different places and you haven't been

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Speaker 3: listening to the podcast lately, it's because we are in

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Speaker 3: different places. I am heading up to the coast shortly

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Speaker 3: but Monday through well through the week. Basically I'm in

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Speaker 3: Brisbe getting ready to sell our house. Kylie is on

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Speaker 3: the coast with the kids because we're making a move.

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Speaker 3: This is the end of our fourth week living like this,

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Speaker 3: and I have to be honest, I'm not holding up

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Speaker 3: so well because you're getting all the good stuff. You're

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Speaker 3: with the kids, you're near the beach, getting all the

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Speaker 3: good stuff.

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Speaker 2: Did you just hear that I'm getting all the good stuff.

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Speaker 3: I'm with the kids and well, yeah, they're great, and

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Speaker 3: you're near the beach, which means that I mean you're

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Speaker 3: winning there as well. Meanwhile, I'm in the office and

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Speaker 3: working all week. But I'm not going to complain because

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Speaker 3: we're really excited about what's happening in our lives. But

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Speaker 3: I'm looking forward to seeing you so that we can

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Speaker 3: spend the weekend together on the coast.

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Speaker 4: Again.

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Speaker 3: For those of you who are new to the podcast,

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Speaker 3: over the last couple of weeks, we've had a huge

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Speaker 3: influx of new listeners, and I mean huge. We're talking

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Speaker 3: tens of thousands of people in the last couple of

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Speaker 3: weeks have joined the podcast. We're getting record numbers of listeners,

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Speaker 3: which has been an absolute delight and privilege. Thank you

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Speaker 3: for sharing your life with us and allowing us to

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Speaker 3: share this a little bit of time with you. Every Friday,

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Speaker 3: we do a segment called I'll do Better Tomorrow.

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Speaker 4: The idea is that we review the week that was.

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Speaker 3: We pull one or two learning moments from the week

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Speaker 3: so that we can be better parents tomorrow or next week.

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Speaker 4: It's a reflection.

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Speaker 3: It's about setting intention, and Kylie, I think that you

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Speaker 3: should go first. Oh, but before you do, there's something

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Speaker 3: that came up on Facebook the other day as a

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Speaker 3: this happened a few years ago, one of those on

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Speaker 3: this days. Can you just share what came out of

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Speaker 3: your on this day on Facebook?

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Speaker 2: I can't believe you're asking me to share this, so.

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Speaker 3: Well, before you do, let's just highlight this is not

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Speaker 3: something that you would normally do and it's not necessarily

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Speaker 3: in your character.

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Speaker 4: But you did it, and you shared it on Facebook.

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Speaker 4: So let's hear this to share on Facebook.

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Speaker 2: You shared it on Facebook.

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Speaker 4: It was your memory, all right.

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Speaker 2: It came up in my thread.

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Speaker 3: Oh, because you're telling me the story. I haven't seen it,

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Speaker 3: but I do remember sharing it back in like twenty thirteen.

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Speaker 4: You've grown since then. It was eight years ago.

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Speaker 2: I was at the gym one day and there was

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Speaker 2: a woman there and I.

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Speaker 3: This is not going to reflect well on you say it,

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Speaker 3: Just say it because it's so funny.

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Speaker 2: Her nipples were so that they were just there and.

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Speaker 4: I could not I could not prominent. I think the

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Speaker 4: word is prominent.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I could not avert my eyes. And I may

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Speaker 2: have come home and mentioned it to you. Under known's

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Speaker 2: to me at the time. Our seven year old had

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Speaker 2: walked into the room, and she overheard me say that

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Speaker 2: this woman must have had nipple implants, which.

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Speaker 4: I didn't even know were a thing.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if they're.

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Speaker 5: A thing, either, but I've never seen anything like them.

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Speaker 5: Right anyway, our seven year old turned to us, and

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Speaker 5: what do you mean that lady had a nipple in

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Speaker 5: her hands?

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Speaker 4: Oh my goodness.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so in fairness to you, like I said, you

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Speaker 3: normally wouldn't say something like that. But what a great story.

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Speaker 3: I'm so glad that you shared that. So less than

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Speaker 3: number one to take our message for hour, I'll do

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Speaker 3: better tomorrow already today is just watch what you say

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Speaker 3: bestally around the kids, and know the lady did not

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Speaker 3: have a nipple in her pants. Okay, thank you for

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Speaker 3: putting yourself in there, Klyylie. For anyone who's offended by that,

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Speaker 3: We're so sorry, but life can be like that every

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Speaker 3: now and again, and there was no offense. Mat Kylie,

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Speaker 3: what was your real older?

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Speaker 4: Better tomorrow?

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Speaker 2: For this week, we've had a week of first this

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Speaker 2: week as the kids have started a new school alongside

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Speaker 2: our whole heap of families with children going back to school,

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Speaker 2: a lot of them going back to face to face

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Speaker 2: for the first time in a long time, and there's

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Speaker 2: been some really beautiful moments that we've experienced along with

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Speaker 2: the heart and on day one, I had a little

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Speaker 2: seven year old who really really just did not want

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Speaker 2: to go to school, and she was really clinging and

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Speaker 2: holding on to me was so tight. We got down

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Speaker 2: to her classroom and there was no way that she

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Speaker 2: was going to let me go. And her teacher came

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Speaker 2: out and she crouched down to her level and she

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Speaker 2: had a chat with her, but Emily wouldn't even look

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Speaker 2: her in the eye. She was really just so shy

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Speaker 2: and so scared. And what I loved was just this

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Speaker 2: acknowledgment from her teacher that Emily was allowed to hold

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Speaker 2: on to her for as long as she needed to

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Speaker 2: all day. If that's what made Emily feel happy, that

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Speaker 2: she could have the teacher all to herself for as

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Speaker 2: long as she needed her. And then that still didn't

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Speaker 2: make any difference for Emily. But then she said, and

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Speaker 2: you know what, I'm going to show you where the

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Speaker 2: toilet is. Can I tell you? When she said that, Emily,

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Speaker 2: that was the first time Emily acknowledged her, and she

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Speaker 2: actually laughed out loud. And then she said, and I'll

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Speaker 2: also show you where the playground is, because I'm sure

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Speaker 2: you've been worried about where those things are. And that, literally,

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Speaker 2: that one thing, just acknowledging her fears and her worries

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Speaker 2: around something as simple as where the toilets were and

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Speaker 2: where the playground was was enough for Emily to come

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Speaker 2: out from behind me and actually look her teacher in

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Speaker 2: the eye and listen a little bit more intently. And

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Speaker 2: then by the end of that conversation she happily went

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Speaker 2: off and took the classroom.

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Speaker 4: Yeah. I love that story on every level.

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Speaker 3: I mean, we've got a teacher who is responsive, We've

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Speaker 3: got a teacher who is patient and in the moment

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Speaker 3: with a child who's feeling nervous because her first day

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Speaker 3: of grade two in Emily's case, and a brand new school,

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Speaker 3: brand new environment brand new people, and she just knows

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Speaker 3: what she might be afraid of, offers her presence for

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Speaker 3: the whole day and says, I'll show you where these

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Speaker 3: things are and instant reduction of anxiety.

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Speaker 2: I'd like to say that day two went smoothly after

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Speaker 2: that beautiful start. I picked her up in the app.

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Speaker 2: It had a war underful afternoon Day two. She would

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Speaker 2: not let me go for anything. We even had tears.

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Speaker 2: She just did not want to be at school. And

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Speaker 2: again the school just came to the party with helping

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Speaker 2: her to find her brave and it took a lot

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Speaker 2: longer on day two for her to do it, but

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Speaker 2: she finally did and I was able to leave with

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Speaker 2: a k and a smile and a hug and I'll

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Speaker 2: see you this afternoon, mum. And it just made such

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Speaker 2: a difference to my heart as much as my little

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Speaker 2: seven year old's heart, to know that there are people

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Speaker 2: who are willing to just allow her to be to

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Speaker 2: experience what she's experienced and to be able to move

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Speaker 2: through it in a time that feels comfortable to her

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Speaker 2: instead of being rushed through that process.

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Speaker 3: I think every parent is wishing for teachers like that,

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Speaker 3: and every teacher is nodding the head and going well done,

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Speaker 3: Well done to the teacher who did that.

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Speaker 4: Thank you for sharing that.

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Speaker 3: So to take home message is really about it's about

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Speaker 3: being present, right, It's about listening and parent.

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Speaker 2: It's exactly right. Our children have big emotions at different times,

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Speaker 2: and in both cases, I've had two adults who have

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Speaker 2: literally been examples of what it means to be in

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Speaker 2: the moment and to listen and hear and understand a

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Speaker 2: little person's big feelings. And I just it was such

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Speaker 2: a wonderful reminder to me of how I want to

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Speaker 2: parent sometimes for short, I'm.

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Speaker 4: So glad you shared that.

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Speaker 3: Up next, we're going to find out what the science

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Speaker 3: of cholonoscopies can teach us about how we can do

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Speaker 3: better tomorrow. No, I did not have a I didn't

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Speaker 3: and if I was having one, I wouldn't be telling

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Speaker 3: you about on the podcast anyway. But I did have

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Speaker 3: an experience that reminded me of an experiment that was

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Speaker 3: done years and years and years ago that can help

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Speaker 3: our families flourish.

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Speaker 1: It's Their Happy Families podcast.

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Speaker 6: US Screens Creating Tension at Home Betweens, Teens and Screens

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Speaker 6: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions. Bye.

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Speaker 6: Today at happy families dot com dot au slash shop.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time

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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're

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Speaker 2: sharing our reflections of another week apart.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So on Monday, as you mentioned, it was first

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Speaker 3: day for Queensland kids going back to school after a

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Speaker 3: delayed start of two weeks with the government really pushing

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Speaker 3: to get five to twelve year old vaccinated with the

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Speaker 3: omicron variant raging across the country and causing continued disruptions

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Speaker 3: to our lives. Because I stayed on the coast overnight

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Speaker 3: on Sunday, so like I had the extra night with

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Speaker 3: you guys and be with you. The whole idea was,

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Speaker 3: I'm going to stay with you for the extra morning,

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Speaker 3: even though I've got all sorts of things that are

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Speaker 3: pressing in the office, because it's the kids first day

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Speaker 3: of school and I've got to be awesome for them,

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Speaker 3: and i want to be there and i want to

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Speaker 3: be the dad who's involved in their lives and get

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Speaker 3: all of this right. And Kylie, you know, because you

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Speaker 3: were there, it didn't go quite the way it was

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Speaker 3: supposed to.

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Speaker 4: In fact, it ended kind of horribly.

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Speaker 2: For the most part, it went fantastic and it was

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Speaker 2: wonderful having you there, and the kids were grateful to

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Speaker 2: have both of us there.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, until so here's the thing, just to highlight. We

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Speaker 3: recorded the podcast very very early. Then we took the

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Speaker 3: family down to the beach for a swim. It was

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Speaker 3: raining and it was wet, but this is why we've

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Speaker 3: moved to the coast, so that we can get to

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Speaker 3: the water more and have those mornings together. And after

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Speaker 3: we had a swim in the waves and got dumped

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Speaker 3: by the ocean and we got sand in our undies

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Speaker 3: and all that sort of stuff, we went back to

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Speaker 3: the the unit that were staying in and we had

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Speaker 3: this perfect morning. I made egg and let us sound

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Speaker 3: Wei just for the kids. I was present, I gave

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Speaker 3: them hugs, I helped you wherever I could, and the

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Speaker 3: morning went really, really smoothly until around about ten minutes

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Speaker 3: before we had to leave. One of the kids didn't

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Speaker 3: want to go to school. No prices for guessing who

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Speaker 3: it was. Emily, the seven year old. She didn't want

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Speaker 3: to be there, and she decided to go and talk

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Speaker 3: to one of the neighbors in one of the neighboring units,

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Speaker 3: because we're obviously not in our own home yet. And

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Speaker 3: so I went and got her, and she didn't want

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Speaker 3: to leave the neighbors and I said, well, you need

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Speaker 3: to because I've got to get going and we've got

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Speaker 3: to pack this up and get the show on the road.

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Speaker 4: It's first day of school. And she resisted.

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Speaker 3: And I know that force creates resistance, but sometimes as

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Speaker 3: the parent, you've just got to say, well, whether you

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Speaker 3: want to or not, it's time, we've got to go.

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Speaker 4: And I wasn't patient.

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Speaker 3: Instead, I kind of stood behind her and I just

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Speaker 3: started walking, and my momentum meant that she was in

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Speaker 3: front of me and she had to move.

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Speaker 4: Otherwise she was going to fall over.

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Speaker 3: And so we just sort of walked, and I was

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Speaker 3: trying to do a funny walk, and I was gently

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Speaker 3: nudging her and trying to play with her, and all

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Speaker 3: it did was inflame her, and it made things worse,

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Speaker 3: and by the time I got her into our un

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Speaker 3: she was having a massive fit. And then you would

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Speaker 3: try to deal with her, and you were cranky at

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Speaker 3: me for making her cranky, even though I can't make

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Speaker 3: her cranky. She chooses to be cranky. We all just

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Speaker 3: make our own choices. But you were cranky, and she

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Speaker 3: was cranky. And then one of the other kids was

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Speaker 3: really nervous about school, and she was cranky. And in

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Speaker 3: the end, I just said, guys, I've got an appointment.

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Speaker 3: I've got to get back to the office, and you

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Speaker 3: guys should have left already. And I kind of left

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Speaker 3: without really having proper hugs or kisses and without really

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Speaker 3: being able to say goodbye.

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Speaker 4: You know that beautiful experience that fits.

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Speaker 3: He had that we shared on Monday, where he's got

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Speaker 3: the note and he gives it to his little guy, Houston,

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Speaker 3: and there's tears in the whole family and everyone's crying

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Speaker 3: because there's so much love. That's what our morning was

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Speaker 3: supposed to be. And Kylie, it wasn't. It was exactly

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Speaker 3: the opposite. It was drama, drama plus after two hours

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Speaker 3: of perfection, and I got in the car and drove

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Speaker 3: back to Brisbane, began the long drive, and I sat

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Speaker 3: there just so frustrated, and I know that everyone else

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Speaker 3: is feeling the same thing, and it reminded me of

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Speaker 3: some cholonoscopy research.

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Speaker 4: I know this is weird, but stay with me.

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Speaker 3: So this is a book called Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman,

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Speaker 3: one of the one of the grandfathers of the modern

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Speaker 3: positive psychology movement.

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Speaker 4: This is what he says in the book. I'm going

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Speaker 4: to read it word for word.

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Speaker 3: Daniel Carnaman, a distinguished professor of psychology at Princeton in

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Speaker 3: the world's leading authority on well being, has made a

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Speaker 3: career of demonstrating a whole lot of violations of what

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Speaker 3: makes us happy. One technique he uses to test this

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Speaker 3: theory is the colonoscopy, in which a scope on a tube.

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Speaker 3: Now this is before they used to knock you up

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Speaker 3: for colonoscopies. Okay, so once upon a time you just

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Speaker 3: laid there and they stuck the tube up your bum.

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Speaker 4: But anyway, this is so.

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Speaker 3: This is based on that sort of work where the

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Speaker 3: scope on a tube is inserted uncomfortably into the rectum

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Speaker 3: and moved up and down the bowels for what seems

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Speaker 3: like an eternity but is actually only a few minutes.

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Speaker 4: In one of Carnaman's experiments, six hundred.

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Speaker 3: And eighty two patients were randomly assigned to either the

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Speaker 3: usual colonoscopy or to a procedure in which one extra

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Speaker 3: minute was added on at the end, but with the

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Speaker 3: kolonoscope not moving. A stationary kolonoscope provides a less uncomfortable

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Speaker 3: final minute than what went before, but it does add

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Speaker 3: one extra minute of discomfort. The added minute means, of course,

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Speaker 3: that this group gets more total pain than the routine group,

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Speaker 3: because their experience ends relatively well. However, their memory of

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Speaker 3: the episode is much rosier, and astonishingly, they are more

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Speaker 3: willing to undergo the procedure again in comparison to the

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Speaker 3: routine group. Now, I could keep on going, but I

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Speaker 3: think that's enough. You get the idea endings matter, and

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Speaker 3: the huge lesson I think from our Monday morning and

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Speaker 3: the ultimate I'm going to call it catastrophic. I mean

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Speaker 3: it probably that's hyperbole. It wasn't that bad, but it

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Speaker 3: still was horrible. The horrible ending that we had on Monday,

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Speaker 3: in terms of making it work, kind of ruined the

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Speaker 3: whole morning, regardless of all the good stuff that happened before.

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Speaker 3: So my older better tomorrow is got to get the

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Speaker 3: ending right, even if it means being late for an appointment,

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Speaker 3: even if it means.

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Speaker 4: Other stuff happening. That's not ideal.

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Speaker 3: Get the end and everyone gets to feel good, regardless

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Speaker 3: of how bad things have been. Get the ending right,

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Speaker 3: things will feel good. Get the ending wrong, even if

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Speaker 3: things have been great, ending wrong, everyone feels lousy.

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Speaker 2: Well, you're forgetting my honey. That morning's turn into evenings

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Speaker 2: and we had a fantastic evening.

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Speaker 4: Without me.

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Speaker 2: On a high.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 3: Well, I'm glad that your ending was positive, even if

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Speaker 3: mine wasn't. I could make some terrible jokes right now

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Speaker 3: about endings, but we're not going to do that, missus,

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Speaker 3: Happy Families. The take home message number one, be careful

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Speaker 3: what you're saying in front of the kids, because they

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Speaker 3: might think someone's got a nipple in their pants.

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Speaker 4: Number two, be patient, be patient.

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Speaker 3: I think you actually proved with your story that endings

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Speaker 3: matter because you got it right, and so did that teacher.

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Speaker 3: And number three, just to hammer home the point endings matter.

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Speaker 3: Make sure you finish on a good note, which.

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Speaker 4: Is what we're going to do right now.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for listening to the old Do

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Speaker 3: Better Tomorrow version February ten of the Happy Families podcast,

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Speaker 3: which is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig

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Speaker 3: This is our executive producer and If you like more

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Speaker 3: and fol about making your family happier, please visit us

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Speaker 3: at happy families dot com dot au or jump onto

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Speaker 3: Facebook doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families