1 00:00:01,160 --> 00:00:04,880 Speaker 1: Lassie and futurist Dom Price was given some pretty bad 2 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:09,480 Speaker 1: advice right before he became a father. A well intentioned 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:12,960 Speaker 1: friend told him never to share pictures of his overseas 4 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:16,200 Speaker 1: work trips with his partner because it might make her jealous. 5 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:21,280 Speaker 1: On his first few long distance work trips after becoming 6 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:24,079 Speaker 1: a dad, Dom didn't want to tell his partner that 7 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 1: he was having a good time in case it made 8 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,880 Speaker 1: her time home alone with their twins feel even more 9 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:35,760 Speaker 1: challenging by comparison. But Dom quickly discovered the opposite was true. 10 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,240 Speaker 1: So how did Dom and his partner change the way 11 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:44,040 Speaker 1: they communicate after becoming parents of twins? And why do 12 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:47,560 Speaker 1: they pay particular attention to when and why they're feeling 13 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:55,840 Speaker 1: guilty as parents and as partners. My name is doctor 14 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,400 Speaker 1: Amanthea Immer. I'm an organizational psychologist and the founder of 15 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:03,800 Speaker 1: behavioral science consultancy Inventium, And this is how I work 16 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:07,160 Speaker 1: a show about how to help you do your best work. 17 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,120 Speaker 1: On today's quick Win episode, we go back to an 18 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,120 Speaker 1: interview from the past and I pick out a quick 19 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,959 Speaker 1: win that you can apply today. In today's show, I 20 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:18,320 Speaker 1: speak with Don Price about how he and his partner 21 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 1: transformed the way they communicate with each other after they 22 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,240 Speaker 1: became parents too twins. 23 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 2: I remember the first time I actually physically went back 24 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 2: into the office for a day's work and I had 25 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 2: some meetings. I was like, I'm going in today. And 26 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,840 Speaker 2: then I remember getting into the office and I got 27 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,080 Speaker 2: so much done that day. I bumped into people, I 28 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,440 Speaker 2: had adult conversation. It was great. And then and then 29 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:40,920 Speaker 2: I got a picture from a girlfriend popery through the 30 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:42,200 Speaker 2: day and she's out with the kids doing stuff, and 31 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:45,000 Speaker 2: I was like, oh, you're a bad dad. It's it's 32 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,000 Speaker 2: not what she intended. She was sending me a picture 33 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,880 Speaker 2: to remind me of like they were fine. She was fine, 34 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,960 Speaker 2: they're having fun. But I was like, you're a bad dad. 35 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,360 Speaker 2: You're not there to help with fees, You're not that 36 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,640 Speaker 2: all the change. You're like, what are you so you're 37 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 2: having all this fun? You know, you're having lunch, You're relaxing, 38 00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,600 Speaker 2: You're not going to carry in the world. I didn't 39 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 2: have a car. Well, I had meetings and work to do. 40 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:04,400 Speaker 2: But to go into that adult mode and be wholly 41 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 2: focused on that is very different from my work from 42 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,600 Speaker 2: home mode. My work from home mode is a lot 43 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,080 Speaker 2: of context switching. It's I'll do a meeting, I'll do 44 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:12,720 Speaker 2: a workshop, I'll do a zoom call. And then I'm like, 45 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,799 Speaker 2: I got a half hour break. What can I do 46 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,919 Speaker 2: in that half hour? I'm not getting ahead with work. 47 00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:18,520 Speaker 2: I'm like, I can help a echo something back and 48 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,079 Speaker 2: put some laundry on. I can cook some food and 49 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 2: nip the seed mike or whatever. Because I'm playing two 50 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:24,519 Speaker 2: roles at the same time, and I like that duality. 51 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,000 Speaker 2: I'm fine with it. Like it's actually quite modal and 52 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,840 Speaker 2: it works. I'm like spike of work, you know. I 53 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,079 Speaker 2: start early in the morning, seven am. Us calls brilliant, 54 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 2: hold of the stuff. I'm right, I'm going to the supermarket. 55 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,160 Speaker 2: I'm going to do a supercowers to come back. Decent 56 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 2: more meetings, decent war works, and I'm like, right, I'm 57 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,520 Speaker 2: going to cook some food, my brains for us. I'll 58 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,440 Speaker 2: cook some food, do some more stuff, bath the kids, 59 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,040 Speaker 2: and I'm like, I've got an hours worth of working 60 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,240 Speaker 2: me right, I'm going to get so so that modular works. 61 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,919 Speaker 2: But there's no guilt with it when it's modulo, because 62 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:50,480 Speaker 2: I get a little bit sprinter on today when it's binary. 63 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,760 Speaker 2: When it's Dad walks out the door and leaves, and 64 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,240 Speaker 2: I'm sat there, even though my commuter works fourteen minutes, 65 00:02:57,639 --> 00:02:59,200 Speaker 2: for those fourteen minutes might as well be a million 66 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:02,520 Speaker 2: miles because I'm like, I can't help if something goes wrong, right, 67 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,040 Speaker 2: and if you need me if one kid's done something 68 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:06,280 Speaker 2: to the nappy and the other one needs to feel 69 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,919 Speaker 2: if something happens and you've got one set of hands 70 00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:11,160 Speaker 2: and two kids, I'm not there to help. And that 71 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:12,920 Speaker 2: just filled me with guilt. So I was like, Okay, 72 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:15,679 Speaker 2: that feels normal, like in a natural response. So I 73 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,320 Speaker 2: talked to my girlfriend about it. I'm like, here's how 74 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,760 Speaker 2: I feel like, and it's weird because I want to 75 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,000 Speaker 2: do more time at home, but I need to. And 76 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:23,600 Speaker 2: she's like, you are the primary earner. You keep a 77 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,120 Speaker 2: roof over ahead. Part of your role as dad is 78 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,960 Speaker 2: to maintain that job, and that's part of your job. 79 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,799 Speaker 2: Don't feel guilty. So then it's like, okay, cool, how 80 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,919 Speaker 2: do we handle this? So the way we handle it 81 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,800 Speaker 2: is early warnings. So I'm like, I communicated with work, 82 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:38,640 Speaker 2: with my team, my extended team at work, and I'm like, 83 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:39,880 Speaker 2: if you want me to travel for work, I need 84 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,360 Speaker 2: at least six weeks notice, So like why, I was like, 85 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,960 Speaker 2: because that's the only fair thing to do, right. The 86 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,640 Speaker 2: only fair thing for Becky is to go right. In 87 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 2: six weeks, I'm going to Nashville. I'm going to be 88 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 2: away for a week. Let's plan for that, knowing that 89 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,400 Speaker 2: we can't plan for it because stuff's going to happen 90 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,440 Speaker 2: that's out of our control. But what are the things 91 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:57,000 Speaker 2: we need to get in place so you're comfortable for 92 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,760 Speaker 2: that week? And I'm comfortable and not feeling guilty because 93 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:03,120 Speaker 2: if I go to Nashville, but my head's still in Sydney, 94 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,200 Speaker 2: because I feel guilty that I'm doing need the job well. 95 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 2: So when I'm in Nashville, I have to immerse. I 96 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,800 Speaker 2: have to be unapologetic. And so it was fascinating. I 97 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,480 Speaker 2: got some really bad advice from a friend, which was, 98 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 2: when you're traveling, don't tell your partner how much fun 99 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,560 Speaker 2: you're having, which kind of makes sense, right, you don't 100 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 2: want to rub it in. But then with one trip, 101 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,400 Speaker 2: I like I was down playing it. Becky was like, 102 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,679 Speaker 2: are you're not enjoying it? I was like, I'm actually 103 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,200 Speaker 2: having a really good time and I'm getting a lot done. 104 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:28,520 Speaker 2: She's like, good that's why you're there, like do that 105 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,960 Speaker 2: And I'm like, yeah, why am I pretending that it's 106 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 2: rubbish when it's not. And so again we've been unapologetically 107 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,919 Speaker 2: honest with each other. She's unapologetically honest if she's struggling 108 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,279 Speaker 2: or if it's going really well, and vice versa, right, 109 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:42,239 Speaker 2: And so that that candor and openness has really helped. 110 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,119 Speaker 2: And then the forward planning right, and then just knowing 111 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 2: what is that ritual? So we have a silly ritual. 112 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 2: I do all the cooking in the house. I love 113 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,520 Speaker 2: cooking my relaxation and. 114 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,000 Speaker 1: You take lots of photos of it as well, which 115 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:52,920 Speaker 1: I appreciate Youah. 116 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 2: So the rule is is before I go on a trip, 117 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,680 Speaker 2: I cook all the meals. So the other week I 118 00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,840 Speaker 2: was in Portugal for an event with one of Alastina's 119 00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:02,800 Speaker 2: life customers. Flew out on a Sunday Saturday afternoon, went 120 00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:05,080 Speaker 2: to seedmarket, filled the trolley and had a great time. 121 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 2: I cooked four different meals for Becker. Her old housemate 122 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,720 Speaker 2: moved in for the week. She's like, if you're cooking 123 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 2: that food, I want to come and hang out. And 124 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,320 Speaker 2: I put all the meals for the kids, which is great. 125 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:16,480 Speaker 2: That was my therapy. I genuinely enjoy it. But cooking 126 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,920 Speaker 2: all that that takes the guilt away, takes the pressure 127 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,400 Speaker 2: off the freezer. The fridge is full, so there's one 128 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:24,160 Speaker 2: less thing to worry about. I know you're going to 129 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 2: be fed. Anything else we can work out afterwards, right, 130 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,520 Speaker 2: So it's little tips and tricks of how we bounce 131 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,520 Speaker 2: it to front load back end stuff and then just 132 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:33,440 Speaker 2: communicate about it. 133 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,760 Speaker 1: I hope you enjoy this little quick win episode today. 134 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:41,880 Speaker 1: If you would like to listen to the full interview, 135 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,640 Speaker 1: you can find a link to that in the show notes. 136 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 1: If you're looking for more tips to improve the way 137 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: that you work, I write a short fortnightly newsletter that 138 00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:54,080 Speaker 1: contains three cool things that I've discovered that helped me 139 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:58,320 Speaker 1: work better, ranging from software and gadgets that I'm loving 140 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,400 Speaker 1: through the interesting research finding. You can sign up for 141 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 1: that at Howiwork dot co. That's how I Work dot co. 142 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,599 Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing part of your day with me 143 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:11,479 Speaker 1: by listening to How I Work. If you're keen for 144 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,080 Speaker 1: more tips on how to work better, connect with me 145 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:18,200 Speaker 1: via LinkedIn or Instagram. I'm very easy to find. Just 146 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,920 Speaker 1: search for Amantha Imba. How I work was recorded on 147 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 1: the traditional land of the Warrangery people, part of the 148 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:29,359 Speaker 1: Koolan nation. I am so grateful for being able to 149 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,039 Speaker 1: work and live on this beautiful land and I want 150 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,719 Speaker 1: to pay my respects to elders, past, present and emerging. 151 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,320 Speaker 1: How I Work is produced by Inventium and hosted by 152 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 1: me Amantha Imba, and a big thank you to Martin 153 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,200 Speaker 1: Imba who did the audio mix and makes everything sound 154 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:46,920 Speaker 1: better than it would have otherwise.