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Speaker 1: Here we go, Here we go, Here we go go.

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Speaker 1: Ready for book club? Hi, well, hello, welcome to the

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Speaker 1: book club.

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Speaker 2: Yes, this is our book club where we decided the

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Speaker 2: only books we would talk about are our own.

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Speaker 1: It's up yourself really is completely the upp itself book club.

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Speaker 1: But how many people have written books?

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Speaker 2: Lots of them, millions of them. Well, I've read a stack,

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Speaker 2: so have you. But we don't want to talk about them.

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Speaker 2: We want to talk about our own. I thought today, children,

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Speaker 2: we might go back to maybe where our.

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Speaker 1: Education after we left school. Good, Yes, you're started when

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Speaker 1: you were ten. Funny you know when I went away

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Speaker 1: to UNI.

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Speaker 2: I went to Bathist to go to what was Mitchell

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Speaker 2: College and ow Charles Sturt UNI. But the lead up

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Speaker 2: to that was being a teenager, and I wondered how

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Speaker 2: I would have negotiated today's teen world, particularly when your

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Speaker 2: mum made you clothes. So I just read an excerpt

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Speaker 2: about mums sewing. Our whole family lived through mum's knitwittery era.

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Speaker 2: Knitwit courses were all the rage in the seventies and

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Speaker 2: were designed to teach you how to sew with stretchy fabrics.

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Speaker 2: Did your mum doing it?

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Speaker 1: Whit course My mum used to make a lot of

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Speaker 1: butterick pattern type stuff and she went through a stage.

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Speaker 1: Billabong board shorts had just come in when I was

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Speaker 1: a kid, and they were huge. They were like such

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Speaker 1: a big deal, and Mums, well, I can make this,

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Speaker 1: so she made, would do? I can make those homemade?

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Speaker 1: Don't look the same? I made board shorts. And why

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Speaker 1: aren't you wearing your boyd shorts, Brendan? They look exactly

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Speaker 1: Well here I've said.

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Speaker 2: In Mum's case, this meant sewing matching homemade tracksuits for

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Speaker 2: every member of the family.

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Speaker 1: I thought I had a bad thing with board shorts,

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Speaker 1: but no.

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Speaker 2: Mine was made particularly flattering with a snazzy bat wing sleeve.

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Speaker 2: And I think Dad had the word wild sewn on

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Speaker 2: the chest were a Ralph Lauren Polo might have been.

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Speaker 2: I can't remember what indignity my brother Cameron suffered from

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Speaker 2: on his but all of our tracksuits generated an enormous

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Speaker 2: amount of static electricity. So every time we left the

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Speaker 2: house we collected a lot of neighborhood lint that could

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Speaker 2: be like renewable energy right there in your crutch.

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Speaker 1: Look it's funny though.

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Speaker 2: As I get older, I say, I can appreciate now

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Speaker 2: the time and love Mum put into those crazy garments,

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Speaker 2: but at the time it was embarrassing. Mum went through

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Speaker 2: a pastoral knitting phase where she'd make jumpers that recreated

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Speaker 2: the countryside of a nineteen fifties Utopia fluffy sheep that

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Speaker 2: was stitched separately and sewn on, graced happily on green

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Speaker 2: pastures with windmills dotting the landscape. It was a big,

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Speaker 2: colorful statement for a teenager to wear, and to my shame,

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Speaker 2: I really did. I dragged my pastoral jumper out many

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Speaker 2: years later and wore it to work at Beyond two thousand.

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Speaker 2: The first person who saw me stopped and said, have

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Speaker 2: you been in a coma? So that leads on to

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Speaker 2: me Kittie to Bathist. To prepare for my new life

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Speaker 2: in Bathist, Mum had made me a selection of nitwith

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Speaker 2: pastoral outfits. Although I knew for sure they wouldn't fit

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Speaker 2: the life that I dreamt of living, I already had

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Speaker 2: a sense of my future that would be different. I

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Speaker 2: wanted to forage in army disposal stores and wear opshop

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Speaker 2: concoctions like the girl from The Thompson Twins.

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Speaker 1: Mum would also.

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Speaker 2: Give me a dripping pan that looked like it comes

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Speaker 2: straight from a kitchen in the Sullivan's. Presumably I was

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Speaker 2: supposed to use it to collect the fat from roasts.

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Speaker 2: Although I'd never made anything more sophisticated than a grilled ham,

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Speaker 2: cheese and pineapple toasty. This delicacy that I learned in

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Speaker 2: cooking class was called Teenager's breakfast. The only other meals

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Speaker 2: I remember learning to make at school were chilled cucumber

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Speaker 2: soup as bad as it sounds, and Harryko's stew, which,

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Speaker 2: despite its fancy name, was bean stew.

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Speaker 1: Just a bean stew, bean stew, just beans, beanste You

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Speaker 1: keep saying that's all it was. I'm not getting it.

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Speaker 1: So it's just beans from the tin.

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Speaker 2: Beans from the tin in a about are Harrico beans,

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Speaker 2: which is like I think.

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Speaker 1: A white Oh, you're like a butter bean, a butter

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Speaker 1: bean bean.

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Speaker 2: So I was, you know, So this is I was

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Speaker 2: completely out of my depth leaving home to go and study,

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Speaker 2: because that's the kind of life i'd been living dag Central, Well.

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Speaker 1: Speaking out of depth. Reading from my book, I just

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Speaker 1: discovered this. Going from a world to do private school

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Speaker 1: to a public technological college or tafe as they call

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Speaker 1: it these days. Remember they were called techs. Oh, that's Ray,

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Speaker 1: he's gone to tech. He's going to tech. Was a

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Speaker 1: real eye opener. The good thing there were no distractions there,

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Speaker 1: like the girl who used to wear no underwear and

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Speaker 1: the old lady who changed smokes cigarettes and the pot

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Speaker 1: smoking teacher. I was enrolled in a fine arts course

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Speaker 1: and what that entailed was painting, printmaking, photography, art history,

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Speaker 1: and life drawing.

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Speaker 2: Cash your question, Yeah, what did you hope would come

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Speaker 2: from that?

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Speaker 1: I wanted to be a sign writer. I didn't really

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Speaker 1: want to be a sign but I thought that maybe

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Speaker 1: I really wanted to do this. I wanted to be

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Speaker 1: on the radio. But I didn't want to say that

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Speaker 1: out loud to anyone because if I said it out

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Speaker 1: loud to anyone, then it wouldn't happen, and then they'd say, well,

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Speaker 1: that didn't happen and you failed. So if I kept

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Speaker 1: it to myself, then it wouldn't.

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Speaker 2: And did art school seem like that was? It's like

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Speaker 2: me who wanted to be an actress, and I thought, well,

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Speaker 2: if I go and sort of do journalism, that's the

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Speaker 2: practical side of it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And art school where I grew up. It's pretty

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Speaker 1: much all my friends are tradesman. All my friends they

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Speaker 1: went to tech. They were to tech and they did trades, mechanics, electricians, builders.

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Speaker 1: They didn't understand when I was a kid, if you read,

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Speaker 1: there was something wrong with you. He's a reader, what's

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Speaker 1: he doing reading? So it was art was the most

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Speaker 1: tangible career. People say, oh, well, you could be a

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Speaker 1: sign writer, get a trade in that. So I do

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Speaker 1: art and I failed dismally had it. I did like

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Speaker 1: the life drawing classes. They were fascinating, but the biggest

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Speaker 1: eye opener for me and probably anyone in life drawing

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Speaker 1: we had to draw the naked people. And it wasn't

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Speaker 1: just good looking people, was ladies, fat and thin, young

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Speaker 1: and old men who just seemed to be heroin thin.

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Speaker 1: This is possibly because the fact they were on heroin.

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Speaker 1: I know this because I walked into the bathroom and

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Speaker 1: our model was shooting up into his neck, oh what,

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Speaker 1: which looked as painful as all get out, and he

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Speaker 1: didn't feel the need to be a discreete about it.

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Speaker 1: As he was using the mirror to see if he

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Speaker 1: was getting the right spot, he asked me if I'd

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Speaker 1: like to try some as casually as if he was

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Speaker 1: offering me a cigarette. I said, no thanks, I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to cut down, Yeah, joker, would you like would you

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Speaker 1: like a bit of this in the neck? And I

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Speaker 1: was sixteen? I man have some heroin?

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Speaker 2: Oh no, how did you go at sixteen drawing ladies

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Speaker 2: in the nude?

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Speaker 1: Well? I didn't mind. It was it was not a

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Speaker 1: bad thing. I'll read more if you want to hear lad.

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Speaker 1: I liked the life drawing class. There was something relaxing

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Speaker 1: about it, and it wasn't as distracting as you'd think.

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Speaker 1: Only a couple of times did it become a little awkward.

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Speaker 1: There was the swimsuit model who came in for extra cash.

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Speaker 1: They made ten bucks an hour. You could buy a

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Speaker 1: three bedroom house for that sort of dough. She might

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Speaker 1: as well have been El McPherson standing nude in front

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Speaker 1: of us. After we'd finished. She'd get dressed and look

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Speaker 1: at our drawings. She stopped at mine and considered it

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Speaker 1: for a bit and then said, that reminds me. I

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Speaker 1: better buy a razor on the way home. What does

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Speaker 1: it mean? Had you given her a big thought? I

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Speaker 1: don't know. She didn't elaborate, She just sort of set

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Speaker 1: it more to herself there. I imagine you'd just been

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Speaker 1: oh h. The other slightly awkward time was when Doug

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Speaker 1: came in. Doug was hung like a horse and a

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Speaker 1: stable thrown into boot. There always seemed to be a

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Speaker 1: lot of throat clearing from the class. When another Doug

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Speaker 1: took off.

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Speaker 2: His robe, cry, I what did he say when he

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Speaker 2: came to see the drawing.

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Speaker 1: I never actually got to that level. I never got

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Speaker 1: to the level where he would look at my drawer.

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Speaker 1: He'd sort of stand there and then he'd leave.

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Speaker 2: Well, heroin in the neck might be one thing. Brendan, Yes,

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Speaker 2: but let's talk about bad red wine. So I'll just

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Speaker 2: read from when I first went to UNI. Despite having

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Speaker 2: no experience with alcohol, I joined the claret club. This

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Speaker 2: was all part of my merchant ivory ideal of sitting

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Speaker 2: around an open fire drinking claret, whatever that was with

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Speaker 2: foppish men and cricket whites. The reality was spectacularly different.

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Speaker 1: Cricket whites and drinking claret not a good combat. Well

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Speaker 1: hope there wasting by no.

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Speaker 2: What it was was ruddy faced rugby players threw around

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Speaker 2: cubes of cheese and we would all try not to

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Speaker 2: grimace as we attempted to slam down a box of

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Speaker 2: wine each These evenings pretty much ended in the traditional

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Speaker 2: club manner, projectile claret fountains. It'd be another ten years

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Speaker 2: during my courtship with Harley before I could face red wine.

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Speaker 2: He was a man who could drink a glass of

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Speaker 2: wine without instantly regurgitating it. Apparently drinking was about quantity

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Speaker 2: and quality.

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Speaker 1: Who knew I was having a claic club.

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Speaker 2: Mitchell College had its own theater where we'd perform plays

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Speaker 2: as part of our coursework. These student plays became my

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Speaker 2: favorite thing. The first player is in that I performed,

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Speaker 2: loose term was Rachimon. Wikipedia describes Rachemon as a riveting

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Speaker 2: psychological Japanese thriller that investigates the nature of truth and

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Speaker 2: the meaning of justice. Really, I'm pretty sure that's not

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Speaker 2: the play we present it. The thing I remember most

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Speaker 2: about Rachemon was having to apply our own makeup, complete

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Speaker 2: with latex rubber eyelids. We'd cut the size and we'd

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Speaker 2: glue them to our eyelids to make our eyes appear Japanese,

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Speaker 2: and then we'd paint white paint over it.

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Speaker 1: Is there pictures I've never been good at craft.

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Speaker 2: I can barely handle a pair of scissors, So night

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Speaker 2: after night I'd stagger on stage with glue blurring my

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Speaker 2: vision and badly cut rubber obstructing my eyes. I just

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Speaker 2: scramble to avoid the props, one of which was a donkey.

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Speaker 1: I know.

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Speaker 2: HeLa Miron tells an identical story.

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Speaker 1: Well, it's interesting the characters that you meet when you

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Speaker 1: first leave. So I went from boarding school to art school,

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Speaker 1: and it was such a school.

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Speaker 2: It probably made you independent and a little bit worldly, yeah.

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Speaker 1: But not worldly as far as Heroin in the Neck. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: Heroin in the Neck is a big wake up. I'll

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Speaker 1: read from this part here as some of the people

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Speaker 1: that I went to art school with being sixteen, I

209
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Speaker 1: was the youngest in my course, and the nearest to

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Speaker 1: my age was a girl called Jackie, who drove a

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Speaker 1: baby poo colored Volkswagen and looked like a member from

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Speaker 1: the band The Cure. She was nineteen, but may as

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Speaker 1: well been thirty in my young eyes. Remember that when

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Speaker 1: you're a kid, you look at anyone the one who's

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Speaker 1: a bit older. As it was the eighties, it was

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Speaker 1: still perfectly acceptable to smoke whilst she painted, and she

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Speaker 1: would be constantly smoking away. There was also Kathy, who

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Speaker 1: would paint pictures that had some sort of social message,

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Speaker 1: a child in jail, a lion in a cage, or

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Speaker 1: a child and a lion in separate cages across from

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Speaker 1: each other, with a caption why. I'd say, well, why

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Speaker 1: don't you put the kid in the cage with the

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Speaker 1: lion and a whip in a chair, to which she'd

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Speaker 1: roll her eyes. She rolled her eyes a lot at me.

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Speaker 1: I have all wondered if her eyeballs would dry out.

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Speaker 1: Kathy was twenty one, but she went out with this

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Speaker 1: older guy who looked like one of those bearded dudes

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Speaker 1: from the Joy of Sex. Oh, he was very mature

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Speaker 1: and drove a brown sigma, but to prove he wasn't

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Speaker 1: straighty one eighty, it had mag wheels and a sun roof,

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Speaker 1: and he used to it's a simmer wheels.

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Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, And yet his girlfriend looked like she was

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Speaker 2: in the cure.

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Speaker 1: No that was no, that was Jackie. No, this is Kathy.

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Speaker 1: I'm getting confused. I'm sorry. Jagie was nice, but Kathy

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Speaker 1: was the eye roller. Everything I'd say, she'd just go,

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Speaker 1: you wait two year, get.

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Speaker 2: Off, tell that she was doing the kind of art

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Speaker 2: that should be drawn on a pencil case.

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Speaker 1: Yeah it was. It was all a teenage hsc so

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Speaker 1: worthy and so work. And that was before she went

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Speaker 1: on to be kendo I Woke even existed. As far

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Speaker 1: as male mentors went, they were few and far between.

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Speaker 1: There was Ray, who always had some political T shirt

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Speaker 1: on that could be supporting anything from the PLO to

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Speaker 1: the rights of gay whales. He teamed his shirts and

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Speaker 1: khaki army pants tucked into ankle high lace up Doc Martin's.

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Speaker 1: He sort of reminded me of Rick from the TV

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Speaker 1: show The Young Ones, except far less entertaining. He seemed

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Speaker 1: pissed off at everything. One day he noticed I was

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Speaker 1: wearing a T shirt that featured Hitler in his salute

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Speaker 1: with the caption, my plants are this high? Do you

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Speaker 1: remember that?

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Speaker 2: I almost as much as the support gay ways T shirt?

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Speaker 1: Every one of my shirts revolved around some sort of

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Speaker 1: pot humor Stone the crows one as well, and there

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Speaker 1: I forgot the other one. Ray didn't fight it humorous

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Speaker 1: in any way. Do you realize how many of my

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Speaker 1: people died under his regime? Ray was also Jewish and bisexually.

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Speaker 1: It was probably bisexual because women were in no way

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Speaker 1: interested in him, and come think of it, neither were

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Speaker 1: the blokes, so I guess he was broadening his appeal.

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Speaker 2: Oh well, I just mentioned a bit here for when

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Speaker 2: I decided to leave UNI. When it came time to

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Speaker 2: leave college, like the spider babies in Charlotte's weeb, my

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Speaker 2: friends and I spun off into careers in journalism, comedy,

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Speaker 2: PR TV, writing, and politics. As it turns out, one

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Speaker 2: of the most pivotal people in my life during that

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Speaker 2: time in Bathist was Andrew Denton. I think he called

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Speaker 2: me a fishwife at our first meeting, and ever since

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Speaker 2: we've taken great delight in offending more than other and

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Speaker 2: making each other laugh. A fishwife, you can you believe it?

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Speaker 2: He had great insight. My first memory of Andrew was

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Speaker 2: of him dancing like a dervish at a bar night,

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Speaker 2: having knocked back several bourbon and cokes. He looked like

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Speaker 2: a tumbleweed. Andrew has always been as hilarious as you

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Speaker 2: can imagine, and very sweet, but he can ras me

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Speaker 2: like no other. Until I met Brendan Jones, who's he

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Speaker 2: apparently had a lot of practice on his sisters.

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Speaker 1: He told me.

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Speaker 2: One day, his sister was working on an enormous jigsaw puzzle,

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Speaker 2: a huge landscape with lakes and mountains, the full catastrophe.

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Speaker 2: She headed out for the afternoon, and Andrew spotted his opportunity.

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Speaker 2: He completed the g saw puzzle, drew an elaborate rendition

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Speaker 2: of a lockless monster on it, took the puzzle apart

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Speaker 2: back to where his sister had left it. Over the

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Speaker 2: following days, he waited patiently while she took a time

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Speaker 2: finishing the jigsaw. When it was completed, she looked dumbfounded

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Speaker 2: at a strange creature in the lake. Puzzled, she picked

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Speaker 2: up the box to see the official picture. And that's

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Speaker 2: where Andrew's genius truly shines. He drawn the monster also

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Speaker 2: on the box. That is so good to remember this,

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Speaker 2: I said, Andrew got me a beauty many times. It's

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Speaker 2: hard to believe that he once managed to convince me

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Speaker 2: that the writers of the TV show Mister Ed was

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Speaker 2: subversive humorists who wrote a series of double on tons

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Speaker 2: so that whenever mister Reed spoke, it was a reference

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Speaker 2: to his talking genitals. Crazy, I know, but I fell

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Speaker 2: for it. About twenty years later, Andrew ever heard me

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Speaker 2: telling someone else about the real meaning of mister ed,

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Speaker 2: and he collapsed in hysterical laughter. Dreadful. Another time, after

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Speaker 2: Andrew and I had competed and a charity event at

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Speaker 2: a racetrack, we were presented with a giant novelty check.

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Speaker 2: Andrew somehow convinced me and I know I'm appearing gullible,

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Speaker 2: that this giant piece of cardboard was a legal tender.

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Speaker 2: I had it in the back of my car for

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Speaker 2: several days and was terrified it would snap and break

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Speaker 2: or be stolen, presumably by Andre the giant and you

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Speaker 2: urged me to take it to the bank, and it

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Speaker 2: was only my inherent laziness that prevented that embarrassing debux.

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Speaker 1: So you never got into the bank, never got it

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Speaker 1: to the bank.

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Speaker 2: Someone told me it was a joke before I got

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Speaker 2: around to it.

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Speaker 1: I'm surprised you couldn't find a handbag big enough for it.

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Speaker 2: What fills we were Brendan ind Well, should we leave

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Speaker 2: it there, because it's time for me to inject myself

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Speaker 2: in the neck.

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Speaker 1: With some heroin. Nice work and have a bit of

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Speaker 1: a shave.

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Speaker 2: Well, how about next episode, let's delve into our early

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Speaker 2: school memories.

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Speaker 1: I'll talk about me. Take it up smoking in your

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Speaker 1: early school memories.

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Speaker 2: Good luck everyone.

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Speaker 1: For more Jonesy and demanded podcasts, download the free iHeartRadio app.

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Speaker 1: This book is terrible, whether the type is it