1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:05,560 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. 2 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,159 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just 3 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:10,160 Speaker 2: once answers. 4 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:10,520 Speaker 1: Now. 5 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:14,000 Speaker 2: When we got married, I would fly from Rockhampton to 6 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:18,439 Speaker 2: Brisbane to see my dentist one because I was a person. 7 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:20,279 Speaker 1: I didn't feel like a number with him. 8 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:24,080 Speaker 2: He knew my family, he knew me, and he loved 9 00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:27,760 Speaker 2: seeing me grow and progress. And now here's the stars 10 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 2: of our show, my mom and dad. 11 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 3: So Kylie, today it's all about you. This is a 12 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,879 Speaker 3: topic that you thought would be great and we're going 13 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 3: to dive straight into it. We're going to talk about 14 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:41,199 Speaker 3: the seven or so people parents, assistance, people who are 15 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 3: around that we need to have in our parenting village. 16 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:46,839 Speaker 3: And the reason this is all about you is because 17 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:48,800 Speaker 3: if there's one thing that you say a lot on 18 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,760 Speaker 3: this podcast, and you know this because you've been going 19 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,440 Speaker 3: back through all of our old podcasts and listening to them, 20 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:59,360 Speaker 3: it's that it takes a village. So I'm excited to 21 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:00,920 Speaker 3: dive into this. I mean, we're going to be talking 22 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,200 Speaker 3: about the butcher, the baker, the coundlestick maker. Who is 23 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 3: it that we need when mum is down for the count, 24 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 3: needs help, needs support, can't do it? All on our own. 25 00:01:10,319 --> 00:01:14,520 Speaker 3: What do we need in our parenting support village? 26 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 2: So I'm going to say neighbors, teachers, friends, community leaders, 27 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:26,520 Speaker 2: medical professionals, surrogate aunts and uncles, and surrogate grandparents. 28 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,720 Speaker 3: Okay, so that's your list of seven. Let's break it 29 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,240 Speaker 3: down and go through them one at a time. Where 30 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,959 Speaker 3: do you want to start at the top? 31 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:32,480 Speaker 1: Neighbors? 32 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,920 Speaker 3: Okay, it takes a village, and it starts in your neighborhood. 33 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:37,480 Speaker 3: There's a lot of research. Now this is mainly American research. 34 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 3: America is a very it's a different place to Australia. 35 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,320 Speaker 3: But I think this research will really resonate with people 36 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:47,039 Speaker 3: whether they're on the Australian continent or the American continent. 37 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,520 Speaker 3: And that is that we see well being increase when 38 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 3: neighborhoods feel safe. 39 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,000 Speaker 2: And that's definitely been our experience oh so much. We've 40 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 2: lived in neighborhoods where nobody had a front fence, yeah, 41 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 2: and it's just had the ability to roam wherever they 42 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 2: wanted to and it was just delightful. We've also lived 43 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:12,200 Speaker 2: in neighborhoods where everybody has an electric gate, yeah, and 44 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 2: it literally stops social interactions. 45 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,480 Speaker 3: Well just on that. The last house that we lived 46 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:21,280 Speaker 3: in when we were in Brisie for that five years 47 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:25,400 Speaker 3: or so, we had no gate at all on our property, 48 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 3: but it was a battle ax block and we were 49 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:31,760 Speaker 3: sort of up behind the neighbors in front. The thing is, 50 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,640 Speaker 3: we had dogs, and so we installed a gate because 51 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,720 Speaker 3: we didn't want the dogs escaping. There's laws about that, 52 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 3: we have to keep the dogs contained. There was no 53 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,520 Speaker 3: easy way to contain them without a gate on the driveway, 54 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,720 Speaker 3: but we put the gate all the way up towards 55 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 3: the house. In spite of that, you actually had conversations 56 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,239 Speaker 3: with people who said, oh, yeah, I don't like to 57 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,560 Speaker 3: drop by because you've got the gate and the gates closed, 58 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:53,880 Speaker 3: and it just makes it feel like the house is 59 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:54,560 Speaker 3: not accessible. 60 00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:55,079 Speaker 1: Now. 61 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 3: Obviously, we can only do what we can do. Sometimes 62 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,440 Speaker 3: we've got gates, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we have fences 63 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:02,760 Speaker 3: and sometimes we don't. But this idea that the neighborhood 64 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:06,200 Speaker 3: needs to feel safe and the kids really you want 65 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:09,440 Speaker 3: them to have the capacity of the freedom to number one, 66 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,480 Speaker 3: roam up and down the street and see their friends, 67 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,920 Speaker 3: but number two, to know that they're safe while they're 68 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 3: doing it. 69 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 2: And I think that that's the beautiful thing. We're now 70 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:23,120 Speaker 2: in a neighborhood where on any given afternoon I will 71 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,640 Speaker 2: get a text message from another parent in the street 72 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,480 Speaker 2: to just say, hey, just checking in. Is my daughter 73 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,800 Speaker 2: at your place? Which feels great because it's usually me 74 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,160 Speaker 2: I don't have a clue where she is because there 75 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 2: are so many children in the street and they just 76 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:36,680 Speaker 2: love hanging out together. 77 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 3: I'm going to say something that I know you won't 78 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,600 Speaker 3: want me to say, but I think that it matters 79 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,080 Speaker 3: for illustrating just how important it is to have great neighbors, 80 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,080 Speaker 3: and when we're talking about this village, that really is 81 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,840 Speaker 3: so important. That's why we talk about it as often 82 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,400 Speaker 3: as we do. Being in a neighborhood we feel safe, 83 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:54,000 Speaker 3: psychologically and physically matters so much. Many many years ago. 84 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,840 Speaker 3: In fact, I'm going to share two experiences, many many 85 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 3: years ago, when our eldest was only maybe three years old. 86 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 3: One morning, I was getting ready for work. This was 87 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:04,920 Speaker 3: back when I was a radio announser. I think, well, 88 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:07,040 Speaker 3: maybe i'd just become a student, but I was getting 89 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,520 Speaker 3: ready for work, and I think that you were either 90 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,960 Speaker 3: dealing with one of our children, or maybe even in 91 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:13,920 Speaker 3: the shower. 92 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 2: If it's the story. I think you're telling I was 93 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:17,920 Speaker 2: breastfeeding the baby. 94 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,599 Speaker 3: Ah, so you were breastfeeding the baby, and I was 95 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:22,279 Speaker 3: completely absent mindedly doing my own thing, getting ready for 96 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 3: work because that was where my head was. And we 97 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,200 Speaker 3: got a knock on the door. It's like six forty 98 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 3: five seven am. One of the neighbors has got our 99 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 3: three year old, our four year old, however old Chanelle was. 100 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:36,600 Speaker 3: She'd somehow gotten out the front door and started wandering 101 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,360 Speaker 3: down the street. We'd never actually met this neighbor before, 102 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,800 Speaker 3: but he just happened to see this little girl and 103 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 3: happened to know that there were a couple of little 104 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,000 Speaker 3: girls where we were, so he brought a home. That's 105 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:51,279 Speaker 3: a great neighborhood. Compare that like how many years later, 106 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:56,360 Speaker 3: twelve thirteen years later, when our youngest daughter escaped from 107 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,039 Speaker 3: the house. This was a house where we didn't have 108 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:01,320 Speaker 3: a screen door or a front fence, and you were 109 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,640 Speaker 3: vacuuming the house. I wasn't even home, but you know 110 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,839 Speaker 3: what it's like. You're in the house, you're doing the vacuuming, 111 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:09,600 Speaker 3: it's noisy, you're not really supervising your children. One hundredercent 112 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 3: at the time, and you thought that she was actively 113 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,640 Speaker 3: engaged in one activity, but she'd gotten board of that 114 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,680 Speaker 3: and stood up and somehow got the front door open 115 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 3: and went for a walk. And when I say went 116 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,679 Speaker 3: for a walk, I mean she walked down the street, 117 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 3: around the corner, around another corner of another street, and 118 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:24,800 Speaker 3: ended up near the kid's school, which was about two 119 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 3: hundred meters away. Fortunately, a good friend of ours and 120 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:31,560 Speaker 3: neighbor brought a home there, but our next door neighbors 121 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 3: called child protection and Dobb desin for not being vigilant parents. 122 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,240 Speaker 3: It's one of those things you can't control it. In 123 00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:42,960 Speaker 3: two episodes, twelve years apart, thirteen years apart. I don't 124 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,800 Speaker 3: think that that's a pattern. I think that there's enough 125 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,760 Speaker 3: evidence that things were okay. But being in a neighborhood 126 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:50,719 Speaker 3: where that happened, we couldn't get out of there fast enough. 127 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:52,960 Speaker 3: We also really wanted to get a screen door on 128 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,000 Speaker 3: as quickly as we could as well. But great neighborhoods matter. 129 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:57,400 Speaker 3: What was your second one? 130 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,000 Speaker 1: Teachers play a huge part in our kids life. 131 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:01,040 Speaker 3: They so much. 132 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:02,920 Speaker 1: They are literally there every day. 133 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 3: To every teacher who does this work, thank you so much, 134 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:07,800 Speaker 3: Thank you for caring about. 135 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 2: Our kids and The best thing we can do is 136 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 2: to recognize and see our kids' teachers as part of 137 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:18,599 Speaker 2: their village and work together to support our children in 138 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,599 Speaker 2: whatever way they need. The times that we've had the 139 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:25,640 Speaker 2: capacity to do this, our kids have flourished. 140 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,839 Speaker 3: One of my favorite stories that I share in my 141 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:32,919 Speaker 3: presentations involves a mum who stormed into the school blew 142 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,960 Speaker 3: up at a teacher because she was convinced that the 143 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,240 Speaker 3: teacher wasn't doing his part in helping her fourteen year 144 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,800 Speaker 3: old daughter to thrive and flourish and excel at school. 145 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,320 Speaker 3: And he just listened to this withering, blistering attack that 146 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,160 Speaker 3: she made on him, and at the end of it, 147 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,359 Speaker 3: he said, I really appreciate how much I love your daughter, 148 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 3: and I really appreciate that you come and shared this 149 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 3: with me. And then he invited to sit down with him, 150 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,960 Speaker 3: and they sat side by side of the table and 151 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,480 Speaker 3: developed a plan that they could work on together as 152 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,240 Speaker 3: part of a village, as part of this community, to 153 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:05,240 Speaker 3: help this girl to do better at school. I wish 154 00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 3: that the mum had been more charitable at the beginning, 155 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,680 Speaker 3: but I'm so grateful for a teacher who was willing 156 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 3: to forgive her lack of discretion and her volatility, and 157 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,520 Speaker 3: still invite her into a warm and careful conversation about 158 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,720 Speaker 3: how they could support the community around this girl. 159 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 1: The third one's friends. 160 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:27,240 Speaker 2: It seems like such an obvious one, but each of 161 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 2: these people in our village requires intentional effort, intentional action 162 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 2: to create the relationships that you want. And helping your 163 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:48,920 Speaker 2: children cultivate positive interactions with their peers is so important. 164 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,880 Speaker 3: Friends at school, friends outside of school equally, if not 165 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,560 Speaker 3: more important, because sometimes school can be a hard place 166 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,920 Speaker 3: and knowing that you've at least got some friends somewhere else. 167 00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 3: I was actually one of the most unpopular kids in 168 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 3: my grade. I just had a horrible, horrile time right 169 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,920 Speaker 3: throughout high school. But I had some great friends from church, 170 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,880 Speaker 3: and they were the ones who literally got me through. 171 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,400 Speaker 3: They were the ones that I look forward to seeing 172 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,960 Speaker 3: a couple times a week during the week and also 173 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,720 Speaker 3: on the weekends go surfing and whatever. It was so important. 174 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,600 Speaker 3: I'm going to add something else about that whole friend 175 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,920 Speaker 3: thing by Kylie, and that is that our kids need 176 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:25,400 Speaker 3: to see us valuing and investing in our friendships as well. 177 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:29,040 Speaker 3: Adulthood isn't just about going to work and doing the chores. 178 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,760 Speaker 3: We need to show our kids that we have social 179 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,200 Speaker 3: lives and that we value those friendships as well, so 180 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:35,840 Speaker 3: that they know how to do it. 181 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:43,640 Speaker 2: So Number four is community leaders, whether it be church leaders, 182 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:50,760 Speaker 2: youth group leaders, sports coaches, people who have a significant 183 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:55,679 Speaker 2: degree of separation from what your life is and specifically 184 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,439 Speaker 2: what your children's life is, and just sees them in 185 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:02,240 Speaker 2: a completely different life in different space. Is such a 186 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,560 Speaker 2: beautiful space for our children to be seen for them 187 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,840 Speaker 2: and not for the family unit that they belong to. 188 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 2: And I love that community leaders have always been a 189 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,080 Speaker 2: part of our village. They have always been there to 190 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,720 Speaker 2: nurture and strengthen our children in the ways that work 191 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 2: for them. 192 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 3: So I'm going to just quickly say something here, and 193 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,720 Speaker 3: that is that if you're hearing this one and thinking, yeah, 194 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,800 Speaker 3: it doesn't exist, I would ask what are you doing 195 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,680 Speaker 3: in your home and in your family to be a 196 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 3: part of the community. As we're getting busier and busier, 197 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,480 Speaker 3: and as we're becoming increasingly individualistic, it gets harder and 198 00:09:40,559 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 3: harder to really invest in the community. But being involved 199 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,840 Speaker 3: in the netball club or the soccer club, or the 200 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:50,000 Speaker 3: surf club or the park run group, the local organizing 201 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:55,200 Speaker 3: committee there, or being involved in a neighborhood community group 202 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:58,199 Speaker 3: of some kind. It makes a difference. And having the 203 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 3: kids involved, having your family anticipating fully in these kinds 204 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,600 Speaker 3: of things, or your local church if you have a 205 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:08,680 Speaker 3: religious orientation, these things will make a difference and build 206 00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:12,000 Speaker 3: your community. I think there's I just I'm so glad 207 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,520 Speaker 3: that you said that. What's Jeff forgot what number up to? 208 00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:15,800 Speaker 3: Well we have to number five five. 209 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, let's go medical professionals. I know this one probably 210 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 2: may to some people feel like a bit of an 211 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,959 Speaker 2: odd one, but growing up we had the same doctor 212 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,760 Speaker 2: my entire life. So by the time I became an 213 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,360 Speaker 2: adult and I was looking to get married and I 214 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:36,760 Speaker 2: needed to have specific conversations with him. He was a 215 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:40,400 Speaker 2: village member, yep, that I had confidence in going to see. 216 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 1: Yeah. 217 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,600 Speaker 2: It was built over years and years of going because 218 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,040 Speaker 2: I had a sore finger, or I broke my leg 219 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,320 Speaker 2: or all of those things. And he saw me grow, 220 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:54,839 Speaker 2: so he understood my family, my family dynamics. He saw 221 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:59,520 Speaker 2: me as an individual. My dentist is another person. Nick. 222 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,000 Speaker 1: When we got married, I would fly. 223 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:05,560 Speaker 2: From rock Hampton to Brisbane to see my dentist one 224 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,480 Speaker 2: because I was a person. I didn't feel like a 225 00:11:08,559 --> 00:11:11,680 Speaker 2: number with him. He knew my family, he knew me, 226 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 2: and he loved seeing me grow and progress. He also 227 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,360 Speaker 2: knew my idiosyncrasies around dentists and the fact that I 228 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,679 Speaker 2: hate them, and he was really gentle and kind. All 229 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:26,360 Speaker 2: of those things meant that I felt like I had 230 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:30,680 Speaker 2: medical professionals that were on my side. They were in 231 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:31,360 Speaker 2: my village. 232 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,079 Speaker 3: And my doctor just thought I was funny because I 233 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,920 Speaker 3: showed up one day and I was worried because one 234 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:37,360 Speaker 3: of my pecks, one of my pecks, was bigger than 235 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 3: the other one. I took my shirt off and I said, look, 236 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,800 Speaker 3: I'm my body's not right. I've got my right peck 237 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,920 Speaker 3: is bigger than my left peck. And he just thought 238 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:49,360 Speaker 3: that I was his favorite client, his favorite patient from 239 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,319 Speaker 3: then on. Because I was worried about different sized pecks. 240 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,760 Speaker 3: He explained that was normal. But having him there, I 241 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:56,880 Speaker 3: couldn't talk to my parents about this. There's no way 242 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,120 Speaker 3: I was going to talk to my parents about how 243 00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 3: my right peck was bigger than my left peck and 244 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 3: I was insecure about it. I was worried about it. 245 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:03,360 Speaker 3: I needed to see the doctor. So I love that 246 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,000 Speaker 3: you said that. One I wouldn't have thought about putting 247 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,520 Speaker 3: that in my village list, but I love that you 248 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 3: said that. 249 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:14,120 Speaker 2: Aunts and uncles, if we've got blood relatives around, having 250 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:18,280 Speaker 2: them be a part of our kid's village is so important. 251 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:22,120 Speaker 2: But if we don't, who are adults in our lives 252 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:26,360 Speaker 2: that can play surrogate aunt and uncle to our children, 253 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:31,680 Speaker 2: who are safe, almost parental figures that can be there 254 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,840 Speaker 2: when our kids don't feel like they can come to 255 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:37,200 Speaker 2: you as mum and dad to share their worries and 256 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:38,000 Speaker 2: their concerns. 257 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:42,160 Speaker 3: You had this as a teenager, particularly, I feel. 258 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:45,360 Speaker 2: Like I've always had this. I've always had people in 259 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,600 Speaker 2: my life who have just loved me. 260 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,840 Speaker 3: I used to call them auntie and uncle. So there 261 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 3: was a lady down the road, and when I say 262 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,840 Speaker 3: down the road, I'm talking about like eight hundred meters 263 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 3: down the road. But though were just part of our 264 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,320 Speaker 3: part of our extended family, and part of our village, 265 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:03,160 Speaker 3: and was Uncle Hillary and Arnie Debbie. And that's just 266 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,600 Speaker 3: what we used to call them. And they were not 267 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,440 Speaker 3: related to us in any way, shape or form, But 268 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:08,840 Speaker 3: back in those days, that's what you used to say 269 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,440 Speaker 3: as well, everyone was your uncle or you're a artie. 270 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,000 Speaker 3: We don't tend to say that stuff so much. We've 271 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,600 Speaker 3: got one more, is that right? Or have I lost 272 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:15,079 Speaker 3: count again? 273 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:15,320 Speaker 2: No? 274 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:16,440 Speaker 1: Last one? 275 00:13:16,679 --> 00:13:20,000 Speaker 2: Surrogate grandparents. If your grandparents are around, like for some 276 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:23,480 Speaker 2: of us we've lost our grandparents, they've never actually already died, 277 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:28,880 Speaker 2: and so finding other older people. The wonderful gift of 278 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,439 Speaker 2: our retirees, our great nomads, what if you want to 279 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 2: call them our older generation, is they have the time 280 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:41,320 Speaker 2: that us busy parents don't have, and they can. Their 281 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:45,120 Speaker 2: greatest gift is the time that they're able to spend. 282 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:49,160 Speaker 2: So we've got a few neighbors who fall into this bracket, 283 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,880 Speaker 2: and they're not only our neighbors, but in so many 284 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 2: ways they play a surrogate grandparent for our nine year old. Specifically, 285 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,400 Speaker 2: she loves going and knocking on their doors, playing with 286 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,760 Speaker 2: their cat, and swimming in their pool, selling her little 287 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,640 Speaker 2: trinkets and bracelets that she makes with her beads. Down 288 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,719 Speaker 2: on their corner, they bring out their furniture, so she's 289 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 2: got a table to show everything on. She's just and 290 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:13,520 Speaker 2: they'll sit there with her because they have the time. 291 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: To do it. 292 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,439 Speaker 3: Which brings me to you've actually said the word that 293 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,800 Speaker 3: I really wanted to emphasize. If we want to build 294 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,840 Speaker 3: up these seven people, bring them into our parenting village, 295 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:25,040 Speaker 3: create a parenting village. It comes down of time. Time 296 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,160 Speaker 3: doesn't matter whether or not maybe it's your local watcher 297 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,000 Speaker 3: or the local grosser or something like that. The village 298 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:38,520 Speaker 3: builds as we have those brief, almost meaningless interactions at 299 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,240 Speaker 3: the beginning, Hey, how are you going, Yeah, nice to 300 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,080 Speaker 3: see you. Or if you go down to the local 301 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,560 Speaker 3: cafe and they remember your favorite drink, they know that 302 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,960 Speaker 3: I love that smoothie, they know that somebody else loves 303 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 3: that particular coffee, and you have these slow but growing, 304 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 3: simple interactions that build into a bit more of a hey, 305 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,280 Speaker 3: how are you going? Or Hey, no kids with you today? 306 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 3: Or hey this or the conversation builds, it develops and grows, 307 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 3: and all of a sudden, this person becomes somebody that 308 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,720 Speaker 3: you share something with a little bit extra one day. 309 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:11,000 Speaker 3: The relationship grows through time, involvement, and investment. 310 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,320 Speaker 2: So we've been on the coast now for about eighteen months. 311 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,560 Speaker 2: I've been going in and out of the post office 312 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,920 Speaker 2: for eighteen months, and one of our daughters has just 313 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:20,480 Speaker 2: taken on. 314 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,680 Speaker 1: All of your book posted right. And if you haven't 315 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: side job. 316 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,960 Speaker 3: If you haven't yet ordered a book from Happy Families 317 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,960 Speaker 3: dot com dotu, the Parenting Revolution is available and Annie 318 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,240 Speaker 3: would love to pack it for you and post it 319 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,280 Speaker 3: so that she can earn some pocket or she can 320 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,760 Speaker 3: earn a wage, she can earn some money. But really, 321 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,080 Speaker 3: you just want to build up the village at the 322 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:37,960 Speaker 3: post office, don't you. 323 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,120 Speaker 2: Well I went down to the post office and I 324 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:44,200 Speaker 2: explained to Vicki down there what needed to happen. And 325 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,760 Speaker 2: I said that my daughter was going to be taking 326 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,160 Speaker 2: this on. And she was literally I made her day. 327 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,480 Speaker 2: She was like, oh my gosh, I've got some news 328 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 2: for you. I am going to save you so much money. 329 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,280 Speaker 2: So she talked me through it, and I said to her, Okay, 330 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,040 Speaker 2: this all seems like a little bit. She said, it 331 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,880 Speaker 2: is a little bit overwhelming to start with. She said, 332 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,280 Speaker 2: but let's just do it here for now, and then 333 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,760 Speaker 2: we can work on the next step next next time. 334 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,400 Speaker 2: So when I went in the next day, she said, 335 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,440 Speaker 2: oh my gosh, she said, you left, and she said, 336 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:14,720 Speaker 2: and I must need a life, she said, because I 337 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,760 Speaker 2: thought of another way I can save you more money, 338 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 2: and so every day we go in. Now, Vicki's so excited. Oh, 339 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,120 Speaker 2: you've only got a small pile today, Kylie. You know, 340 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 2: she's so aware of who I am that her face 341 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 2: lights up when she sees me. And we talk about 342 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,640 Speaker 2: feeling time poor, and it's real. We have so many 343 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 2: time restraints on us, and it feels like to build 344 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,280 Speaker 2: this village is going to be all consuming and take 345 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,800 Speaker 2: up a lot our time. The reality is it isn't 346 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 2: going to happen overnight and it is a slow gain. 347 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 2: But once you're there, that village actually helps with this 348 00:16:56,560 --> 00:17:00,600 Speaker 2: feeling of being time poor. This village takes your kids 349 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,360 Speaker 2: under their wings. We've had so many beautiful people over 350 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,760 Speaker 2: the years who literally played mum to them when I've 351 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,320 Speaker 2: had a new baby, and they've taken the older kids 352 00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 2: under their wings and just loved on them when they 353 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,800 Speaker 2: felt like Mum didn't have the capacity to. And I 354 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:20,960 Speaker 2: just feel so blessed that those people have had so 355 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:24,600 Speaker 2: much beautiful and positive influence in my kid's life. It 356 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,960 Speaker 2: doesn't detract from who I am as a parent, It 357 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,080 Speaker 2: doesn't take diminish my efforts. 358 00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:31,080 Speaker 1: What it does is it adds to it. 359 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,760 Speaker 3: The Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Roland from 360 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:37,439 Speaker 3: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more 361 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,760 Speaker 3: about making your family happier, please visit us at happy 362 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,640 Speaker 3: families dot com dot IU. It's the Happy Families Podcast.