Speaker 1: Actually speaking of that Bluey thing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, obviously they have.
Speaker 1: The big bluey characters. Did you not see when we
Speaker 1: were leaving them carry them out in big body bags,
Speaker 1: so the kids get to see Bluey and Bingo, the
Speaker 1: big Bluey and Bingo. Yeah, and then as we will exit,
Speaker 1: they're carrying both costumes and legitimate body bags. Like what's that?
Speaker 1: I was like, that's a dead dog.
Speaker 2: It's good to be back in.
Speaker 1: Don't talk every rolling place.
Speaker 2: It's good to be It's good to be back.
Speaker 1: In the Northern Beaches of Sydney.
Speaker 2: Good to be back in the Northern Beaches.
Speaker 1: It is.
Speaker 2: It's a fucking drive and a half out here.
Speaker 1: It's like twenty three k's though, but it's like sit
Speaker 1: your traffic and you've got to go through like a
Speaker 1: couple of real shitty spots like north Bridge or whatever
Speaker 1: way you go, Like either way, anyway you go over
Speaker 1: the spirit it's a fucking not man.
Speaker 2: North Bridge is quite a nice, like it's like a
Speaker 2: castle bridge.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just knock that shit down, like, get over, get
Speaker 1: over it. Man. Do you know how I living in
Speaker 1: the past?
Speaker 2: Do you know how I know you live really far away? Obviously,
Speaker 2: besides the fact that it takes me an hour and
Speaker 2: a bit to get here.
Speaker 1: That's you're a slow driver.
Speaker 2: I saw four roadkill for k Parkway. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Do you know Wakers Parkway is allegedly haunted. There's a
Speaker 1: whole TikTok series about it.
Speaker 2: Excuse me, bang haunted from what?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I didn't listen because I don't believe.
Speaker 2: It is a bit of an eerie drive.
Speaker 1: Keeps people doing on that straight really yeah, not mysteriously,
Speaker 1: they just drive drunk down there. So what sort of
Speaker 1: road kill? Because look, I'm hungry bottom two.
Speaker 2: I wouldn't say kangaroos expert. Could have been a wallabie.
Speaker 1: Well, you can't tell when they're splattered across the bitchy
Speaker 1: how big they were to begin with. Could have been
Speaker 1: a mouse and just been spread out across.
Speaker 2: It's always nice to go for a drive and see
Speaker 2: some of our unnatural fauna dead dead on the side
Speaker 2: of the road.
Speaker 1: Yeah, some of the things that are on the flag dead.
Speaker 1: Welcome for a dead.
Speaker 2: Em Welcome to ashes neck of the Woods.
Speaker 1: Yeah, look we're roughing it up here, absolutely, but welcome back.
Speaker 2: Welcome back to two doting dads. I am Maddie Jay
Speaker 2: and I'm ash. This is a podcast that happens to
Speaker 2: be all about parenting, the good, the bad, and the
Speaker 2: relatable and as always, advice not here.
Speaker 1: Yep, not today, clear my child, as we say today,
Speaker 1: no advice. Well, you never know, there's all somehow we
Speaker 1: seem to do it. Someone always says I took your advice.
Speaker 1: I was like, don't blame me for that shit.
Speaker 2: The next generation coming through, God help them, I will say.
Speaker 2: And this is the biggest surprising thing I think about
Speaker 2: the podcast is the fact that people go to the
Speaker 2: gym and listen to us at the gym. I find
Speaker 2: it absolutely buck wild. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I had someone that did a run and listened to
Speaker 1: two episodes. What I know, Shit, it's not that good.
Speaker 2: I'm like, surely you'd want to listen to like, who's
Speaker 2: that Robin's guys. He's like Anthony Robins, Anthony Robins, you
Speaker 2: want a bit him in your ear.
Speaker 1: But like his voice is so annoying.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're not much better. But one lady was saying
Speaker 2: that she had to stop listening to us because she
Speaker 2: was giggling as she was trying to, you know, do
Speaker 2: a squad.
Speaker 1: So for anyone too aroused me.
Speaker 2: Apologies for that, but if anyone at the gym right now,
Speaker 2: one more deeper put it hard?
Speaker 1: Do you know what? I hate that? Over? Like people
Speaker 1: are just like way too enthusiastic about the gym, Like I, look,
Speaker 1: I get it, I trained too, I just don't get
Speaker 1: like over enthusiastic about it like you and you're running anyway.
Speaker 1: As always, we would like to thank better be as
Speaker 1: this episode would not be possible without you, and we've
Speaker 1: gone back to the original, which is the zero carb, low.
Speaker 2: Cow, zero sugar as well.
Speaker 1: Oh beautiful, hash beautiful And look, I'm normally a can guy.
Speaker 2: Why do you like cans? Oh?
Speaker 1: You know, there's nothing more manly than crushing the can
Speaker 1: on your head afterwards. But I quite like this out
Speaker 1: of a bottle because it's crisp. It's one of those
Speaker 1: day drinkers. You know, it's only like eight am in
Speaker 1: the morning, so perfect dream.
Speaker 2: If anyone at the gym right now, you can work
Speaker 2: out and have a better beer.
Speaker 1: They're pre workouts, I mean, it's that's what I use
Speaker 1: them for.
Speaker 2: It's refreshing, it'll give you a little energy boost. Approved
Speaker 2: by Matt Nash absolutely and also also Ash. Yes we're
Speaker 2: going to run a competition, a little competition, And the
Speaker 2: way it's going to work is that we're giving out
Speaker 2: a little merch voucher worth two hundred bucks, so a
Speaker 2: couple of shirts.
Speaker 1: Your hat you actually, I forgot I had this bad boy?
Speaker 2: What do you think?
Speaker 1: I like it? It's comfortable, it's actually these ones are
Speaker 1: really good for sweating.
Speaker 2: Would you run in that? Would you know? It looks
Speaker 2: it's too nice.
Speaker 1: It's just good, too easy wash. I find that when
Speaker 1: you wash these ones the shape gets better. Reckon for
Speaker 1: my head, your head looks funny.
Speaker 2: My head's tiny. It's such a little pin head. You
Speaker 2: have a great head for hats. Interesting that you're wearing
Speaker 2: a hat when you've just got a haircut.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to wear I don't know. I just
Speaker 1: I just thought i'd wear a better be a hat.
Speaker 1: Because this episode is practical, and of course we're going
Speaker 1: to give away some merch. So Matt, please again tell
Speaker 1: us how it works.
Speaker 2: Okay, So it's two in it all about you better
Speaker 2: be a merch. If you would like to be in
Speaker 2: the running to win it, all you have to do
Speaker 2: is just share a story on your socials of you
Speaker 2: listening to the podcast. So it could just be a
Speaker 2: selfie you on your phone, your headphones in, could be
Speaker 2: you know, on the car and like the little dashboard
Speaker 2: and you know you're listening to it.
Speaker 1: Don't do it while you're driving, Definitely, don't do it
Speaker 1: while you're driving. If you drink driving, yes, don't drink drive,
Speaker 1: But if you're driving, pull over. Take a tag to
Speaker 1: doting dads.
Speaker 2: So we have to do it all like a screenshot
Speaker 2: on your mobile phone or listening to the podcast. It
Speaker 2: is that simple. We will pick someone when is a competition?
Speaker 1: Got to run?
Speaker 2: Good question.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you are the twenty first is the day, correct,
Speaker 1: and I'm glad you need me. You need me. So look,
Speaker 1: we're gonna pick one twenty four hours from that from
Speaker 1: the release of this episode random on the Thursday, Thursday
Speaker 1: close of business, we're going to announce the winner, and
Speaker 1: then we'll also announce the winner on the next.
Speaker 2: Podcast, twout You thanks to Better Beer. Let's get into
Speaker 2: the episode.
Speaker 1: Let's get into it.
Speaker 2: It's weird to see you so fresh. What do you
Speaker 2: mean considering like shit? Well, you gave it a bit
Speaker 2: of a nudge. Normally we record midweek. Last episode we
Speaker 2: did a Friday record. I think I underestimated how dangerous
Speaker 2: it would be on a Friday. And also because you
Speaker 2: like we finished the record and then you kind of
Speaker 2: like jobs done, not to bring it back up ash unemployed. Yeah,
Speaker 2: we went to the pub afterwards. I don't really drink pints.
Speaker 1: I was just smashing pints. It was one of my
Speaker 1: favorite things to do.
Speaker 2: You made me feel pathetic.
Speaker 1: You are pathetic, but I remind you of that.
Speaker 2: You would drink. You would drink a pint in like
Speaker 2: the same time I drink like a schooner and a half,
Speaker 2: and you were just.
Speaker 1: There like my pine is like a scoon and a half.
Speaker 2: Oh, actually, that does make sense.
Speaker 1: I was slowing down for you pretty much, so I
Speaker 1: would finish a pint when you were like nearly finishing
Speaker 1: the scooter, like come on, yeah, and you just read
Speaker 1: ready to rock and roll man, And like I got
Speaker 1: home with God knows what.
Speaker 2: Did you get in trouble? You know you didn't get
Speaker 2: in trouble.
Speaker 1: No, not really, because that's the thing I got home.
Speaker 1: And then the thing that I do is that doesn't
Speaker 1: get me in trouble is as soon as one of
Speaker 1: the kids makes a peep. But like five five point
Speaker 1: thirty form I'm up, How I'm a fucking machine?
Speaker 2: How does that happen? Are you not? Does it take
Speaker 2: a moment of you going I can do this?
Speaker 1: A wise man once told me that I used to
Speaker 1: work with Just get up and get it done, That's
Speaker 1: what he was like. He was like, very much like that.
Speaker 1: And he told me that before I had kids, and
Speaker 1: he had three kids, and I remember I was like,
Speaker 1: how do you do it? Like you are to me,
Speaker 1: how do you do it? And he's like, look, it's
Speaker 1: only temporary, just get up, get it done.
Speaker 2: And I I'm not that strong.
Speaker 1: Look there has been days where I've been like I
Speaker 1: can't do it. Like, don't get me wrong, okay, but
Speaker 1: if I want to live this sort of lifestyle where
Speaker 1: Pep was like, you drink too much, but you know
Speaker 1: what you got up? Let me go to the gym
Speaker 1: and you had the kids for like an hour and
Speaker 1: a half, all on your own here and with a
Speaker 1: belting headache. You got to give us something back.
Speaker 2: Yes, Yeah, it can't just be like yeah, being a
Speaker 2: sack of shit on the couch.
Speaker 1: Look, I've aged because of it. I know that.
Speaker 2: Don't be so hard on yourself.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, that's the truth.
Speaker 2: It is crazy. And then we could do with a
Speaker 2: botox sponsor.
Speaker 1: I'm more natural, but you need it, you know. So yeah,
Speaker 1: it look big night.
Speaker 2: But I hate when people are like, you just got
Speaker 2: to tell yourself to get it done, because.
Speaker 1: Because I'm not, I'm not. I'm usually that chipper, did
Speaker 1: you know me? I'm not like that. I'm usually like
Speaker 1: if someone said that to me, I'd be like, oh,
Speaker 1: shut the voc up. But in this instance, you have to.
Speaker 1: Otherwise it's just a fight or she'll got anything that
Speaker 1: I say or anything I do. If I go oh yawn,
Speaker 1: even she's like, because you hung over, it's not worth
Speaker 1: the conversation. So I just avoid the fight. It was
Speaker 1: a big night.
Speaker 2: It was also I don't know if you you heard
Speaker 2: back the episode from last week.
Speaker 1: I haven't listened yet.
Speaker 2: No, it's it's very sweary.
Speaker 1: Oh is that what you were talking about? It is?
Speaker 2: It is chock full of swear words from the get go.
Speaker 2: And I blame you as well, because you started swearing
Speaker 2: as a Friday will relaxed and every second word you know,
Speaker 2: I was listening. We got a little bit of it out,
Speaker 2: but it was like the swear words were just so
Speaker 2: like thoroughly blended through all the sentences that it would
Speaker 2: have been impossible to cut it out. Well, and you
Speaker 2: hear the word fuck, and in my head, I'm thinking,
Speaker 2: hopefully it's like five minutes before the next fuck. So
Speaker 2: it's just like it's just like every fourth word you
Speaker 2: were mere like shit fuck. So people have have listened
Speaker 2: to that. I just want to say sorry, Ash and
Speaker 2: I had a couple of drinks on a Friday. We've
Speaker 2: got a bit sweary.
Speaker 1: Classic it happens. Honestly, I never really think about it
Speaker 1: that I'm swearing too much. It's just how I talk.
Speaker 1: If you don't like it, fuck off.
Speaker 2: And your listeners welcome and.
Speaker 1: Listen you no no, no, no no no yeah.
Speaker 2: You're like I feel like you are. You're the bad
Speaker 2: cop on the good copy. I welcome my listeners with
Speaker 2: open arms, and I'm like.
Speaker 1: Please, I'm just giving them ship.
Speaker 2: Let me get some crackers, makes it comfortable, and gett
Speaker 2: a drink and ashes.
Speaker 1: Like swearing like a sailor.
Speaker 2: No shirt, your fucking loser.
Speaker 1: I shouldn't be so judgy anyway.
Speaker 2: How do you go with your friends?
Speaker 1: It's just like that they're the same.
Speaker 2: Have you had to like bump out any friends or
Speaker 2: like cut down your friend time with other people because
Speaker 2: obviously there's a new person in the mix.
Speaker 1: He's got two thongs and in the middle of this guy,
Speaker 1: is anyone any got the chop?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: No, no, Because like we do things in business hours, mainly.
Speaker 2: Oh, we saw each other on a Saturday.
Speaker 1: Yeah you saw me? Yeah we did. I did see
Speaker 1: you on the Saturday, and I made it a point
Speaker 1: on the Sunday not to call you. So I've seen
Speaker 1: too much of this guy?
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, I did notice you were playing hard to get.
Speaker 2: I was just like, but on the Sunday, I was
Speaker 2: going a slow death.
Speaker 1: You're not gonna talk about your running again.
Speaker 2: What's you go to? Hang on a second? You talk
Speaker 2: about your fucking running in Tokyo? And I sat there
Speaker 2: with a big, beady smile. I was into every word
Speaker 2: because and I was I was like, what else did
Speaker 2: you do?
Speaker 1: Ash?
Speaker 2: And then I'm like, hey, I went for a run
Speaker 2: on the weekend, And You're like, oh, wouldn't you just
Speaker 2: shut up.
Speaker 1: Unless you run with both kids strapped to you? No
Speaker 1: one listening wants to hear it.
Speaker 2: I'm not bragg get it out, get it over with.
Speaker 1: Let's go.
Speaker 2: Can you just pretend to be excited for okay, around
Speaker 2: a half marathon? Obviously the one because off the calf
Speaker 2: it was going to be a long run. You just
Speaker 2: went for it, and I just I thought, fuck it,
Speaker 2: that's just that's strange. I ran with my brother in law,
Speaker 2: the one who I did the race with.
Speaker 1: Who just walk in the park for the ultra athlete.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so he was like, let's do a half marathon
Speaker 2: and I was like, half marathon whatever, I'm not even scared.
Speaker 2: I was nervous.
Speaker 1: You did a good time, too, so that makes it
Speaker 1: even I gave it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was dying from the third kilometer in. I
Speaker 2: was like, in a lot of pain.
Speaker 1: Because you did eleven the day before.
Speaker 2: Yeah, twelve, thank you very much. And halfway through I
Speaker 2: was like, I really want to stop, and he was
Speaker 2: like keep going, and I don't want to be weak
Speaker 2: in front of the brother in law, so I kept on.
Speaker 1: You can't do it. Yeah. I got to be at
Speaker 1: the strongest you could possibly be in front of that
Speaker 1: alpha male.
Speaker 2: But it was painful. The last thirty minutes. Every step
Speaker 2: my feet hurt.
Speaker 1: The hammies were like, do your feet go like pins
Speaker 1: and needles?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: How do you get rid of that? Just like, I
Speaker 1: just kept going Is it just me being a fat fuck?
Speaker 2: Or yeah? Yeah? Your feet like hell?
Speaker 1: And I stopped stepping on us.
Speaker 2: But we finished and I didn't feel too bad. Afterwards,
Speaker 2: went for a quick jump in the water at Bondi Beach,
Speaker 2: got home. I got home, I stupidly forgot to tell
Speaker 2: Laura that I was doing a really long run.
Speaker 1: So I got in trouble for doing the long run.
Speaker 1: How do you get that phone call?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Afterwards, I left my phone in the car around
Speaker 2: with the garments, so you can't. You don't get any.
Speaker 1: That's not a plug, is it?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: No, you've got a garment sponsor. I'm actually wearing a garment.
Speaker 2: So I got home. I had like miss calls because
Speaker 2: I was going for fucking ages. And then I just
Speaker 2: started feeling like shit, really weird and queazy, and I
Speaker 2: started getting these hot flushesopause.
Speaker 1: And I was going through menopause.
Speaker 2: It's just weird because I'm a thirty five year.
Speaker 1: Old man and you look every year.
Speaker 2: But I was getting you know, when you get really
Speaker 2: sensitive to hot and cold and so I was like shivering,
Speaker 2: and then all of a sudden, I was like so
Speaker 2: hot that I was taking layers off. And then I
Speaker 2: was like, I think I've got to go light down.
Speaker 1: You just wanted to get your kid out again.
Speaker 2: There's a few occasions where you can go to your
Speaker 2: partner and you say, I got to throw on the towel.
Speaker 2: I've gotta lay down. I can't do this anymore. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it was a shame to waste it on that Sunday,
Speaker 2: because like, if you want to do that, you're to
Speaker 2: do it. I'm like, you know, a good night out.
Speaker 2: You don't want to do that off the back of
Speaker 2: just a long run. Like what a waste?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you want to do it off the back
Speaker 1: of a big night. But I had some fun.
Speaker 2: Yeah, just run for an hour and forty minutes. But
Speaker 2: I couldn't do it. I had to lay down. I
Speaker 2: slept two hours.
Speaker 1: WHOA, I was in bed from.
Speaker 2: About two o'clock till eight o'clock. Laura went to her
Speaker 2: sister's house with the in laws, and that was in
Speaker 2: the diary.
Speaker 1: I did see some footage of that. I thought you
Speaker 1: were going out, That's why no I did.
Speaker 2: I was in bed. I was asleep and I never
Speaker 2: sleep during the day. Yeah, And Laura came home and
Speaker 2: she was calling me as well because she was like,
Speaker 2: I wanted to help with the kids. Laura got home
Speaker 2: just you know, just on bedtime. Couldn't even help it
Speaker 2: with the kids, getting them out of the car, couldn't
Speaker 2: get out, oh my, getting them back into bed.
Speaker 1: I was like, old man, I thought I had COVID.
Speaker 2: I did a COVID test.
Speaker 1: We did a COVID test too.
Speaker 2: I was like, it's got to be COVID. It's got
Speaker 2: to be COVID. Nah, I'm just weak and pathetic. What
Speaker 2: flattened me? Just running? Running?
Speaker 1: And did you get carved up?
Speaker 2: Well, you know, I had like a small bowl of cereal,
Speaker 2: but like it was only.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're running out of steam, mate, I am you are.
Speaker 1: Kids are running your ragged Let's play the kids. Don't
Speaker 1: blame the running, just all the activities with the children
Speaker 1: in between the running. So you bitched out on bath
Speaker 1: in bedtime? Yeah, yeah, I think she owes your couple.
Speaker 2: No, she's forgotten.
Speaker 1: She's forgotten about forgotten the whole dancing with the start.
Speaker 2: Literally it's now we're raised from my memory the fact
Speaker 2: that I've had the kids pretty much solid.
Speaker 1: That was like eight weeks of like solid. It was
Speaker 1: eight weeks, wasn't it.
Speaker 2: I swear it was eight weeks. When I tell Laura,
Speaker 2: she's like, it was three weeks.
Speaker 1: Three days, mate, I am your witness. That was a
Speaker 1: long time. It was because I do you know why?
Speaker 1: I know it was so long because I was like
Speaker 1: I would hate that. Every week I was like, I
Speaker 1: hate that, and it was that long that I, okay,
Speaker 1: I would hate that.
Speaker 2: So I've gone through eight weeks of solo parenting. I
Speaker 2: had one afternoon where I couldn't get out of bed.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. You even had to leave the
Speaker 1: pub the other night because she wants to go out
Speaker 1: to dinner. So made it's over. Yeah, what a waste,
Speaker 1: What a fucking fun Sunday? But do you know what
Speaker 1: I did on Sunday?
Speaker 2: Where were you?
Speaker 1: Well, it's Oscar's birthday week, but he's not having any parties.
Speaker 1: Just tell him that he's having like family parties. But
Speaker 1: my parents were here. We went down to a park
Speaker 1: and there was something I wanted to show you that
Speaker 1: my mum had given Oscar for his birthday. So I
Speaker 1: just quickly get it please, it's just here. It's just
Speaker 1: a book. Have you ever heard of superworm before?
Speaker 2: Never heard?
Speaker 1: So superworm? Is this super superworm is like it's a
Speaker 1: it's a book that's been turned into like a short
Speaker 1: movie on ABC, but this book still exists.
Speaker 2: See about a worm?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's super strong. I can't really remember the internet.
Speaker 1: But the reason I wanted to show this book because
Speaker 1: April brought it to my attention and she was like.
Speaker 2: Does a worm look like a cock?
Speaker 1: Look at that?
Speaker 2: Wow, that is a full blown glory hole.
Speaker 1: That's a literally that's the other end of a gloryhole
Speaker 1: would look like look at it.
Speaker 2: That's but so every page that is it's you know
Speaker 2: what it is for me? It's the skin tone.
Speaker 1: Of the worm, like it make it more wormy, not
Speaker 1: like gray. It's very penisy like that's what the worm's
Speaker 1: supposed to look. Ribbed worm looks, But that just looks
Speaker 1: like a cock puppet. It's a perfect song that is
Speaker 1: for you. But what about that? So mumsy?
Speaker 2: That is a full blown penis? Did oscar like it?
Speaker 1: Uh? Well, look look it's a book on your birthday
Speaker 1: and you've got a remote control card. You tell me
Speaker 1: if you fucking liked it.
Speaker 2: Okay for anyone obviously.
Speaker 1: Super long super worm, but they call me.
Speaker 2: People are they're taking the piss here? Dude, they knew
Speaker 2: what they were doing. Oh yeah, this is not an accident.
Speaker 1: Why would you like, of all the puppet books, you
Speaker 1: have to pick a penis shape looking puppet.
Speaker 2: For anyone right now who's probably wondering what this book is.
Speaker 2: They might even have this book they're not familiar with Superworm.
Speaker 2: It's the book with a hole cut in the middle, gloryhole,
Speaker 2: a glory whole, and it's got like a little like
Speaker 2: a puppet penis. Yeah that you put your finger through
Speaker 2: the whole, and so it's you can like, which is
Speaker 2: a cute idea, you can like be the worm as
Speaker 2: you tell the story. But it just looks like a cock,
Speaker 2: looks like a penis.
Speaker 1: I know I could also be the worm without that anyway.
Speaker 1: So that's my Sunday. So I spent the rest of
Speaker 1: Sunday after and going that looks like a penis? Why
Speaker 1: is there another man's penis in my house?
Speaker 2: And is like, Daddy, tell us the story.
Speaker 1: Tell us again, that's what I wanted to show you.
Speaker 2: Hey, will you make it to Marley's birthday. Sorry, do
Speaker 2: you think you make it to Marley twenty fourth?
Speaker 1: Oh? Yes, well, it just depends. What depends if my
Speaker 1: kids are sick or not, or I pretend that this
Speaker 1: Actually I wanted to ask you about I wanted to Actually,
Speaker 1: I didn't want to say. I wanted to tell you
Speaker 1: something that I've I've wanted to admit something. Okay, but
Speaker 1: first I want to start it off.
Speaker 2: Is stumbling a bit here?
Speaker 1: What is it I want? I want to start it
Speaker 1: off by saying one of the best things about being
Speaker 1: a parent is using your kids to get out of things.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, it's the dream.
Speaker 1: A couple of things I really like about having kids.
Speaker 1: Wipes we've been over. You love a wipe, take them everywhere.
Speaker 1: It's the best thing that's ever happened to me, other
Speaker 1: than the kids and using them to get out of things.
Speaker 1: And now I don't have a job, I can't use
Speaker 1: them to get out of going to the office because
Speaker 1: working from home is so much better. I was like, oh, kids, six,
Speaker 1: I've got to help out around home. Used it a
Speaker 1: me in times. They caught on that's what I have
Speaker 1: a job. No, you know, I do it all the time.
Speaker 1: If it's like a friend's birthday, and it's like, look,
Speaker 1: I really like this friend, but I don't want to
Speaker 1: go to the other side of the world to go
Speaker 1: to a birthday party that's like your twenty seventh or
Speaker 1: twenty eighth, which is just not a No one fucking
Speaker 1: cares about that age.
Speaker 2: If it's a thirtieth, sure, fortieth maybe, yeah, fiftieth, I'm
Speaker 2: thinking about it.
Speaker 1: Fiftieth I'm not gone. So anyway, I do want to
Speaker 1: admit something to you. How have you.
Speaker 2: Managed to maintain any kind of friendship in this world?
Speaker 1: Ash, I'm a lovable guy.
Speaker 2: Are you though people going.
Speaker 1: To or do you reckon?
Speaker 2: It's just because you're so elusive that people just want
Speaker 2: you more.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's that's what I'm going Yeah, tree to me
Speaker 1: and keep keenly. So there's something I want to admit
Speaker 1: and admit that I did to me. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: I used So Mother's Day this year. So my grandmother's
Speaker 1: eighty six. Okay, she lives in where sitn here. It's
Speaker 1: so far for me to drive, and everyone was going
Speaker 1: there for Mother's Day to see my eighty six year
Speaker 1: old grandmother who I love dearly. Okay, don't take this
Speaker 1: the wrong way.
Speaker 2: Obviously, you guys have you've been brought up in the
Speaker 2: same state as your grandmother most of your most of
Speaker 2: it because some people.
Speaker 1: Like for me, I don't make this about you, No.
Speaker 2: I just I didn't. Really, I didn't really have much
Speaker 2: contact with.
Speaker 1: My Australian idol subside.
Speaker 2: Have nothing more than a relationship with my grandmother. And
Speaker 2: it was only the fact that she lived halfway across
Speaker 2: the world in the UK. We were separated by oceans.
Speaker 2: You know, you're like, what, you had two toll roads
Speaker 2: to get through and you couldn't do it.
Speaker 1: Sorry, not on this occasion. Sorry, you don't know that.
Speaker 1: I haven't got to the climax of the story yet.
Speaker 2: What was her eighty six? What was her name?
Speaker 1: Her name's olive?
Speaker 2: Oh beautiful name? What lovely?
Speaker 1: Not making me feel bad? Okay, So anyway, it was
Speaker 1: Mother's Day. Everyone was going out there for Mother's Day lunch.
Speaker 1: I was being home over that is is such a
Speaker 1: So what I did do is I pulled my kids
Speaker 1: sick card and we can't go. So on Mother's Day,
Speaker 1: I didn't go to the Mother's Day lunch for my grandmother.
Speaker 1: And no one knows that And now everybody knows that.
Speaker 2: Who did you text Olive?
Speaker 1: Or did you text text Olive? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Okay? Did she write back?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's so lovely. That's okay. She didn't
Speaker 1: She actually texting capitals all the time, so she yelled
Speaker 1: at me.
Speaker 2: Essentially, did you go into too much detail about the illness.
Speaker 1: Or didn't know? I never I feel like you.
Speaker 2: Say that because fever's always an easy one. Say go
Speaker 2: to fever.
Speaker 1: Too many details means you're lying. And look, I always
Speaker 1: use my kids to get out of things I don't
Speaker 1: want to go to. This is not that I didn't
Speaker 1: want to go. I physically couldn't go.
Speaker 2: I could, how hung because as he said, you just
Speaker 2: get up and you just do it.
Speaker 1: I just think it was I couldn't drive. It would
Speaker 1: have been legal for me to drive.
Speaker 2: If you got pulled over, you would have.
Speaker 1: Been yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. And I look, I've
Speaker 1: just said to April, I've said, hey, hang on, what
Speaker 1: do you think about this? And she was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: let's do it.
Speaker 2: Because I'm going to assume that maybe April's not super
Speaker 2: close with Olive, perhaps.
Speaker 1: She's very close with Olive. Her and Nan, I'm really
Speaker 1: sorry about this.
Speaker 2: I thought for a second, I'm not gonna lie. I
Speaker 2: thought you're going to tell me that Olive is no
Speaker 2: longer around. No, she is, okay, thank you.
Speaker 1: She was there on Sunday, Thank heavens she came. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, it makes even worse that she's eighty six
Speaker 1: and she came all the way over here on Sunday
Speaker 1: to see.
Speaker 2: You are You're a bad person. You are a bad.
Speaker 1: Feel a lot better, though.
Speaker 2: Did you feel a little bit guilty, because sometimes when
Speaker 2: you have a hangover in.
Speaker 1: The morning, I felt horrible about it.
Speaker 2: I bet you didn't.
Speaker 1: Bet I said, she's not my mum.
Speaker 2: Did you get like a follow up?
Speaker 1: Do you know what the worst thing is? With my
Speaker 1: parents who don't live in this state went and I
Speaker 1: didn't know my sister's going to hear this, and fucking
Speaker 1: that's it.
Speaker 2: When we talk about not giving any type of advice.
Speaker 1: Don't take Yeah, look, use your kids to get out
Speaker 1: of all sorts of things. Okay, use them definitely.
Speaker 2: But for family member, maybe I have long to go.
Speaker 2: Heaven forbid.
Speaker 1: She's very sprightly for age.
Speaker 2: She's eighty six.
Speaker 1: Mate. Yeah, she loves to get up on the ladder too.
Speaker 1: She lives alone.
Speaker 2: Why once you hit eighty the ladders are no more. Noah,
Speaker 2: take the ladders away from her.
Speaker 1: Anyway, car keys and ladders.
Speaker 2: No time for it.
Speaker 1: But like when, like, does anything come to mind for
Speaker 1: you that you've used your kids to get out of?
Speaker 1: And actually, I want to put this out I want
Speaker 1: to put this out there, Okay, And I'm going to
Speaker 1: put it on my Instagram. At some point it might
Speaker 1: already have been on this I'm not going to promise
Speaker 1: to do it after this episode. I might have already
Speaker 1: asked you it when and what have you used your
Speaker 1: kids to get out of? You know, social Oh yeah.
Speaker 2: I think especially when they were in like the first
Speaker 2: twelve months of their lives. Like having like a newborn
Speaker 2: is just like that is the ultimate get out of jail.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, just like oh cough, yeah, I can't go
Speaker 1: about so sorry, I can't come.
Speaker 2: It really is a nightmare trying to put the kids
Speaker 2: in the car, and like especially with the newborn, because
Speaker 2: you need so much stuff, Like you can't just get
Speaker 2: ready in fifteen minutes. You've got to like pack as
Speaker 2: if you're going away for a weekend because you've got
Speaker 2: small treets, you've got just fair clothes. Fuck you just
Speaker 2: got everything. Yeah, and anyone who I think if you
Speaker 2: have to drive somewhere that's longer than like I'm going
Speaker 2: to say the max is thirty minutes. Anything above thirty minutes.
Speaker 1: They're frustrated. Back there can't be fucked, I know. And
Speaker 1: it's like, look, it's just part of the gift of
Speaker 1: being a parent that the child has actually given you
Speaker 1: is the ability to use them to get out of
Speaker 1: anything that you like totally obviously not without completely without
Speaker 1: the guilt.
Speaker 2: And there's always those someone used it to get out
Speaker 2: of my engagement party, like mine engagement party, and then
Speaker 2: the wedding they.
Speaker 1: Did they did the double So first of all.
Speaker 2: You can't be angry.
Speaker 1: Were you impressed at the time, I was like I
Speaker 1: don't give a ship. Yeah, right, because it's like whatever.
Speaker 1: So the first one was like, okay, it's an engagement party.
Speaker 1: It wasn't kid friendly. It was literally on a main
Speaker 1: road with no with no with no gates, nothing, and
Speaker 1: they were like, why can't we bring our kids. It's like, okay,
Speaker 1: bring it, bring them and see what happens. They're like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: that's fine. But then on the day so the waisted
Speaker 1: an umber there. They were like, oh, they're sick, and
Speaker 1: I was like, bullshit. But at the same time, I
Speaker 1: was like, whatever, I don't care. Yeah, getting pissed on
Speaker 1: my engagement party and you're not going to be missed.
Speaker 2: I think as a parent, though, there is definitely the
Speaker 2: thought anytime, anytime someone's like because I think Lola's birthday,
Speaker 2: she was too recently and one of Laura's friends did
Speaker 2: the old so and so is not feeling too well,
Speaker 2: and I was like, that's.
Speaker 1: Bullshit, cop out, it's a cop out, but play on,
Speaker 1: play on six again. But then these same couple did
Speaker 1: it the day before the wedding, which which is fun
Speaker 1: because I paid one hundred and something dollars ahead for
Speaker 1: this person.
Speaker 2: Where did you get married?
Speaker 1: About moral?
Speaker 2: Okay, so get a fucking babysitter.
Speaker 1: Oh fully, they just didn't. There were those parents that
Speaker 1: couldn't leave their kids. That's what we worked out, not
Speaker 1: to judge you. Yeah quickly, let's judge them. Let's see. Yeah,
Speaker 1: a judge for you want.
Speaker 2: To night away from your kids?
Speaker 1: For sure, you go on a wedding, it's free, but
Speaker 1: I'm paying for you. I'm essentially paying for you. To
Speaker 1: have a night out, and you stiffed me the day before,
Speaker 1: so like, there's no.
Speaker 2: Did you say, like send me a photo? You better
Speaker 2: be in hospital?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that kid better be on his deathbed. I'm telling
Speaker 1: you right now that I wish that upon him. I
Speaker 1: want evidence.
Speaker 2: Are you still friends with him?
Speaker 1: I believe it or not. It was some type of
Speaker 1: family I was a family member. I'm not getting into
Speaker 1: it because I don't know if they do hear this,
Speaker 1: and that's gonna.
Speaker 2: Be We're gonna first of all, you're gonna have to.
Speaker 1: Spark it back up again. I've already got nan News.
Speaker 2: Is going to become an archer after this episode.
Speaker 1: She won't listen. She doesn't know what podcast is. I
Speaker 1: tried to explain it to you yesterday or Sunday, No idea,
Speaker 1: What do you mean you mean radio? You know Alan
Speaker 1: Jones is similar less racist. I would say, I've always
Speaker 1: told you I hate everybody equally.
Speaker 2: Surprised you didn't notice anything about the car when I arrived,
Speaker 2: nothing at all, Nothing at all?
Speaker 1: What am I supposed to notice about?
Speaker 2: Mate? She was looking pretty clean.
Speaker 1: You're actually not known for having clean things.
Speaker 2: So exactly, and for the first half just it's.
Speaker 1: Obviously not to my standards.
Speaker 2: The car was washed, and I've waited for this moment
Speaker 2: for a very long time. Is when I got simple things,
Speaker 2: when I can put my children to work.
Speaker 1: And no, yes, yes, that's weather pad.
Speaker 2: I have this problem.
Speaker 1: You've crossed over. It's a child labor. Yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2: I have a problem where I'm kind of nap trapped
Speaker 2: in the afternoons because like, up until twelve o'clock, I'm like,
Speaker 2: fucking great, can do anything, go to the park, go
Speaker 2: for a walk, like you know with the kids, can
Speaker 2: do anything. But then I got to get home. For
Speaker 2: twelve twelve thirty years, Lulla needs that nap. And then
Speaker 2: the issue is I can't go anywhere because Lola is
Speaker 2: going to sleep for an hour and a half and
Speaker 2: Marley's like, mate, what are we going to do?
Speaker 1: iPad?
Speaker 2: And I give it the iPad just for a little bit.
Speaker 1: And it's okay. Those of you who are listening thing,
Speaker 1: I can't believe you give your kid an iPad. It's
Speaker 1: like shit, it's just twenty twenty three. It's actually some
Speaker 1: people will go on a fucking Mars soon.
Speaker 2: It's actually really impressive the apps that you can get.
Speaker 2: Now you can get like drawing.
Speaker 1: You're going to get an Apple Vision. That's the next
Speaker 1: when they bring out the child version of Apple Vision.
Speaker 2: If it keeps her quiet for half an hour, I'll
Speaker 2: do it absolutely. But she loves it. Except now the
Speaker 2: issue is ash she's just becoming really obsessed with the
Speaker 2: iPad like all the time. Yeah, she's just like fucking like, yeah,
Speaker 2: she's like scratched. Where is it? Laura comes home and
Speaker 2: she's even Laura's been like Laura tries to catch me out.
Speaker 2: She comes home and she's like, how long we're on
Speaker 2: the iPad? Four? It's like three hours? And I'm like,
Speaker 2: it's not true.
Speaker 1: Why you're gonna believe a four year old over me? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Except yeah, I now I need to get her off
Speaker 2: the iPad. And I'm like, what can I? What can
Speaker 2: I do? Like put activity and your labor for a
Speaker 2: bit get She likes a drawing and then she gets
Speaker 2: bored of it, So I thought, yeah, what can I
Speaker 2: She's really into it, Like she's kind of Mala's now
Speaker 2: understanding the concept of money, because I guess like for
Speaker 2: kids now, like they don't really see money that often,
Speaker 2: like like we did, you know, not to sound like
Speaker 2: I'm really old, but you know parent, we would see
Speaker 2: our parents.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, cash was king, like now it's I'm paying
Speaker 1: my phone. Yeah, they're like, it's like through. He's a
Speaker 1: good example. If you went down to a KMA or
Speaker 1: a toy shop to buy a cash register. Yes, guarantee
Speaker 1: you there's no cash in it. I guarantee you it's
Speaker 1: got Yeah.
Speaker 2: Isn't it fucking wild?
Speaker 1: It's wild, man, It's the world's wild place. But that
Speaker 1: defines it.
Speaker 2: We're getting deep from this. But so Marley's really like
Speaker 2: into money. She's into coins. Got a little jar that
Speaker 2: she's keeping, like a little money jar. And I said
Speaker 2: to her, like, do you wanna do you want to
Speaker 2: have some coins? And it's also great because she likes
Speaker 2: the big coins like.
Speaker 1: Yeah, bigger the coin, the less it's worth. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: I had no idea. So I got the soap ready,
Speaker 2: I got the bucket, and I was like, there you go,
Speaker 2: get to it. Son did a pretty average job, to
Speaker 2: be fair.
Speaker 1: Well, she is four, not yet four, not quite four,
Speaker 1: but like what do you expect?
Speaker 2: She loved it?
Speaker 1: So did you not help?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: How did you do the roofs up on the ladder.
Speaker 1: Get up on this extended ladder there, sweetheart on top,
Speaker 1: don't scratch it.
Speaker 2: I was there like giving her a hand, and I
Speaker 2: went inside just to get my phone, and like I
Speaker 2: got distracted for a second. Classic somehow the gate had
Speaker 2: closed as well.
Speaker 1: Like so she's locked out there, Oh my god.
Speaker 2: They ever had driven past, and then it was just
Speaker 2: seeing Marley there like by herself. For the record. It
Speaker 2: was for like a minute or two.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that was it.
Speaker 2: And they rang the doorbell and like age checking out.
Speaker 1: They rang the door. Can you do mine next?
Speaker 2: I'll bring around it comes home and exhausted. She's got
Speaker 2: blisters from washing all the.
Speaker 1: Time, drink of water in hours out there in the sun.
Speaker 2: But yeah, if you need your car done, let me know.
Speaker 1: I'll bring I do need two cars done. Thank you.
Speaker 1: That's great. I love how you've crossed over into child
Speaker 1: labor because that's every parent's stream where it's like they
Speaker 1: can help out for minimum wage. How much did the
Speaker 1: young girl earn that day?
Speaker 2: Fifty cents.
Speaker 1: That's outstanding money. If there's any children listening, that's great
Speaker 1: money because you could go to India and get maybe
Speaker 1: the quarter of that.
Speaker 2: It would be a lot worse.
Speaker 1: I haven't quite crossed over yet. I mean, what have
Speaker 1: I got oscar to do? Like I can get the
Speaker 1: remote on the other side.
Speaker 2: And even that, even that is like a beautiful moment
Speaker 2: when you can still.
Speaker 1: Win because I've been trying to train the dog to
Speaker 1: do it for nine years. That's at the other end
Speaker 1: of the house, at the couch, and I'm like, get
Speaker 1: the remote and he'll get distracted in that tiny.
Speaker 2: Oh is it so disappointing when you're like, good boy,
Speaker 2: almost there, He like picks it up and then you
Speaker 2: can see just get like a noise will happen, or
Speaker 2: like something will get his attention away and he starts
Speaker 2: and he puts the remote yea further away from where
Speaker 2: it was.
Speaker 1: What did he do this morning? I was like, can
Speaker 1: you grab the remote? Aus of make he was like
Speaker 1: right up against me. I was like, can you grab
Speaker 1: the remote? And he like grabbed it and went to
Speaker 1: the kitchen to get like a snack or something. Came
Speaker 1: back with a snack and not the remote, and I
Speaker 1: was like, this is why you're not getting paid this week.
Speaker 1: Tell me loud, tell me live.
Speaker 2: A gosh. Lies last week, Yes, we had a few
Speaker 2: lies I told the lie of Marley not being able
Speaker 2: to pick a nose because it did stretched nostrils and
Speaker 2: a brain will fall out. Didn't go down too well.
Speaker 1: Nope, and she started.
Speaker 2: Picking a nose again, which was really, really fucking annoying.
Speaker 1: Oh I actually saw her do it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you saw it.
Speaker 1: I pointed it out.
Speaker 2: I was like, she's just like, shut up. I'm in
Speaker 2: a good place right now.
Speaker 1: Like I'm digging for gold.
Speaker 2: But we asked, we asked the good listeners of this
Speaker 2: country to submit their lies, and each week I thought
Speaker 2: we should pick up the best ones. I've picked my
Speaker 2: best two. This week, I'm going to start us off.
Speaker 1: I've also picked two just so you know whether you're
Speaker 1: expecting that or not, because last week I was very.
Speaker 2: Okay. Line number one. This parent here says that anytime
Speaker 2: their kid wants to eat something that they're munching on,
Speaker 2: they just say it's really spicy and you won't like it.
Speaker 1: Love that. That's a classic. I always do it with
Speaker 1: like like soft drink or something, and I'll be like
Speaker 1: spicy April, Like if we go to KFC or whatever,
Speaker 1: April gets a sun kissed. That's what she likes. He
Speaker 1: knows it's like the orange spicy drinks, I already knows it.
Speaker 1: Or if I get coke, he's like, that's the black
Speaker 1: spicy drink. It's a great one.
Speaker 2: Spiciness is like kryptonite for kids. I mean, I'm wondering, like,
Speaker 2: are there any kids out there who can handle spice from.
Speaker 1: A young age?
Speaker 2: If so, fuck those parents. I gotta feel.
Speaker 1: Because if I get like I'm going to mention caves
Speaker 1: a getting it. If I get like wicked wings and
Speaker 1: like I have by spicy, can give you one. But
Speaker 1: now all chicken that I have is spicy.
Speaker 2: Even sometimes like chocolate biscuit, which is Miley's bikes, and
Speaker 2: she's like chocolate chip cooking. I'm like, oh, it's a
Speaker 2: spicy spice one spices on them. You wouldn't like it.
Speaker 2: You can transmit you one, and she's like, no.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't like it. My first one is the classic
Speaker 1: I need to poop. So look, whether you want to
Speaker 1: lie to your kids or your wife on this one.
Speaker 2: Works for both parties.
Speaker 1: It works for both parties because like if I smell
Speaker 1: Masie and she's like she has done ship, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna I need to do purpose. I need to do purpose,
Speaker 1: but like if I come outside and ride the bike
Speaker 1: with me and I just couldn't be asked. I'm like purpose,
Speaker 1: and it's weird.
Speaker 2: It's the one line that they understand.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because they know how much it's traumatizing. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: they think it's as traumatizing for us thirty years la.
Speaker 2: I can say to the kids, can I just have
Speaker 2: one minute? Please, doesn't matter I'm working or Daddy needs
Speaker 2: to just do something really quickly. Doesn't mean shit to them.
Speaker 2: They don't care if I say, hey, guys, I'll be
Speaker 2: back in a second. I just need to go do poos.
Speaker 2: They're like, oh, please, don't let me hold you.
Speaker 1: Up as you were young man. Yeah, yeah, that's a
Speaker 1: great one.
Speaker 2: My second lie, Ash, this is a lie that a
Speaker 2: lot of people submitted. I had it more than one time.
Speaker 2: I had it like seven times. I've never heard of
Speaker 2: it being done before. It was never told to me
Speaker 2: when I was a child, But I don't know if
Speaker 2: you've heard of it. These parents are saying that they
Speaker 2: tell their kids that if they lie to them, if
Speaker 2: they if the kid lies to the parent, on the
Speaker 2: child's forehead, a red dot will appear so the parents
Speaker 2: will know that they're lying?
Speaker 1: What, like why I read like I don't.
Speaker 2: Because I don't know. I don't know, But like.
Speaker 1: If someone could just explain what that means?
Speaker 2: Why I read dot.
Speaker 1: Tell my kid, if you lie me, someone's gonna be
Speaker 1: a picture of a dick on it. Yeah, yeah, that
Speaker 1: could be anything.
Speaker 2: That be that to be more fearful. But and I
Speaker 2: guess that the kids don't lie because I mean, kids
Speaker 2: are very I feel like, as a parent, surely you
Speaker 2: can tell when your child's lying.
Speaker 1: Unless your child, Yeah, because I always ask are you lying?
Speaker 1: They they're not that smart.
Speaker 2: But you just like you just you don't say anything,
Speaker 2: just look at them, and then they like they're like
Speaker 2: they can't handle the interrogation.
Speaker 1: It's like Oscar was telling me some kid hit him
Speaker 1: a kindy. I'm like you sure, It's like, nah, idiot.
Speaker 1: My final lie is another classic, Everything is broke.
Speaker 2: Ah. Now can I just say yeap bravo?
Speaker 1: That is the top shelf li It is a top
Speaker 1: shelf fly. I used this one a lot. So one
Speaker 1: prime example that I used is we're up at the
Speaker 1: pub up here that has like a playground. Of course,
Speaker 1: why would I go to the pub? It didn't have
Speaker 1: a playground. Anyway, I took oscre up there and there's
Speaker 1: those claw machines, and I knew that he was kind
Speaker 1: of obsess over it because we've been there before. But
Speaker 1: on the way in there was an area of the
Speaker 1: pump that had a sign up that said this is
Speaker 1: closed so not in use. Stole that because I knew
Speaker 1: the law machine was coming, and I put it on
Speaker 1: the claw machine before he could notice it. And he
Speaker 1: comes over to play with the claw machine and it
Speaker 1: even had the sign saying it was not open. And
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, sorry, buddy, what a shame, What
Speaker 1: a shame. It's broken. Going to be able to hang
Speaker 1: off that thing like you do and bang it and
Speaker 1: ask me for money every five seconds?
Speaker 2: I thought you're going to tell me that it was
Speaker 2: one of those like little rides like either.
Speaker 1: Like the I always say that broken two yeah.
Speaker 2: Everything for everything, whether it's.
Speaker 1: Like the playground, Yeah yeah, yeah, that's another good one
Speaker 1: when like I, we'll save other lies for other.
Speaker 2: Episodes, even even like YouTube YouTube, YouTube's broken broken. Everything's broken,
Speaker 2: Like I'll go to bed.
Speaker 1: I don't want to go to bed. Oh YouTube's gonna break.
Speaker 1: It's Oh look, you've broken it. Yeah, I think like
Speaker 1: it's a really easy one to trick. It's not a lie,
Speaker 1: it's a trick. I would say.
Speaker 2: I feel like trick and lying is very similar ash
Speaker 2: for some well some tomato tomato.
Speaker 1: Yeah, look, I will tell you're right. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to argue on that point. But that's the lies for
Speaker 1: this week. So keep coming in because we've got We've
Speaker 1: got a lot more to come through.
Speaker 2: If ever there was going to be some advice pauled
Speaker 2: from an episode, it would be this segment, right.
Speaker 1: How to lie to your kids better. We're teaching you
Speaker 1: how to lie to your kids all your future kids better.
Speaker 2: You're welcomes. Before we go, we have one little segment.
Speaker 2: This is where we answer some of the questions from
Speaker 2: our listeners. We only have time for two, which is
Speaker 2: such a shame because there are so many people out
Speaker 2: there who really need a lot of help. For some
Speaker 2: unknown reason, they turn to us. It's baffling to answer
Speaker 2: these parenting.
Speaker 1: Questions and some like I've seen questions and look, if
Speaker 1: I haven't got back to your DM or on the Instagram,
Speaker 1: there's two reasons for that. One I'm lazy and two
Speaker 1: your message is too long.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have been quite good though.
Speaker 1: That tightened that shit up, and I'll come back to you.
Speaker 2: Have you had any interesting messages coming through so far
Speaker 2: that may not be questions? Anything I don't recall has
Speaker 2: sparked your interest.
Speaker 1: Not a very good reader.
Speaker 2: I reckon, you've just gotten April on that job. I
Speaker 2: feel like there's.
Speaker 1: No ways you would want to that. I go back.
Speaker 1: I do go back. There's nothing that just like spring
Speaker 1: to mind. There are some good ones I get, and
Speaker 1: I usually would respond with you know something you know,
Speaker 1: saying thank you for the funny story or whatever, But
Speaker 1: some of them are just too long.
Speaker 2: Guys, these are people who are pouring their heart out.
Speaker 2: They're like, I've tried everything.
Speaker 1: You leave me a two page message. It's unread. Delete.
Speaker 2: I love how people write a message in the DM.
Speaker 2: And they started off by saying like, ah, sorry, Ash,
Speaker 2: I know you hate us, but I just want to
Speaker 2: say something quickly.
Speaker 1: I know I know you hate dms. It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: please carry one.
Speaker 2: Okay. We've got two questions. The first one is how
Speaker 2: do you get your toddler to sleep through the night.
Speaker 2: I feel like we've had a question that's similar to
Speaker 2: this about sleep routines. I don't there's no trick. There
Speaker 2: is no trick. I feel like it everyone's got.
Speaker 1: Well, look that's wrong, you're wrong. Do you reckon that
Speaker 1: everyone's got their own trick? Because every every kids different
Speaker 1: without you even knowing it, you would have your tricks
Speaker 1: like that you put into play so that you know
Speaker 1: that your daughters are going to go to sleep or
Speaker 1: you know it helps them be comfortable to go to sleep,
Speaker 1: and subconsciously.
Speaker 2: I feel like it's just routine. Like kids are fiends
Speaker 2: for routine.
Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely, but like sometimes it's just not what trick
Speaker 1: have you got?
Speaker 2: What do you what do you got in your little bag? There?
Speaker 1: Well around Mary Poppin's bag down, it's cold. No, look
Speaker 1: it's not. It's not a trick. But like like I said,
Speaker 1: like there would be little things that you do that
Speaker 1: you don't really just a part of just say you
Speaker 1: don't have a routine. Sometimes I could not having a
Speaker 1: routine could be a routine. Didn't that blow your mind?
Speaker 3: Wait a second, wash it down with a bit of
Speaker 3: better beer, spitting truth, Yeah, I think like getting them
Speaker 3: to say it's different every night, right, yeah, routine, like we.
Speaker 1: Have a routine, like bath, then after the bath, what
Speaker 1: you can and can't do before you go, Yeah, you
Speaker 1: don't want to get to Yeah, but sometimes some nights
Speaker 1: it's just like just to get them to sleep. They
Speaker 1: might need to just sleep with you that night.
Speaker 2: Do you know what I used to do that? I
Speaker 2: look back and I think, when you're a toddler, I
Speaker 2: kin't of remember what I did last week, let alone
Speaker 2: when I was a toddler, But when Marley was a newborn,
Speaker 2: actually all the way up until like after Lola was born,
Speaker 2: this is like the first couple of years of her life.
Speaker 2: I used to look. Laura and I both did this.
Speaker 2: We used to rock Marley to sleep in our arms, yeah,
Speaker 2: and then put it down, and then she would fall
Speaker 2: asleep in her arms and we would place her in
Speaker 2: the cot. And obviously we all know that transitioning a
Speaker 2: child is so hard because you put him in that cot.
Speaker 2: Then as soon as you like stop making contact.
Speaker 1: As soon as you move your arm under their head,
Speaker 1: and their.
Speaker 2: Head goes, where are you going, motherfucker?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, fully, it's a nightmare.
Speaker 2: And now with Lola, we just put it down, dummy, bottle,
Speaker 2: shut the or.
Speaker 1: Let her do a thing.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: Self, cettled. That's great.
Speaker 2: Have you ever done what are the gummies called melatonin?
Speaker 1: Yes, thankfully we did, Like we did a lot of
Speaker 1: sleep training, and we've spoken about this when I said,
Speaker 1: don't do it too early because it's a waste of time,
Speaker 1: and it is.
Speaker 2: But I think, like Burt was short, sharp, magical, I
Speaker 2: really want let's just keep it.
Speaker 1: Was part of the conversations keep sorry doing it. I think,
Speaker 1: like you said, routine is key because kids of that
Speaker 1: age two, three four do love routine. So like we
Speaker 1: thankfully we haven't had to use the melatonin.
Speaker 2: Because have you ever you ever tried it once?
Speaker 1: No, so this is the first time you tried it.
Speaker 2: We did it the other night. Why, we were at
Speaker 2: someone's house and they were giving it to their kids
Speaker 2: and we were like, what do you got there?
Speaker 1: Just group them in together? What have you got there? Heroin?
Speaker 1: Just group them together.
Speaker 2: I'll be fine. And they had some and.
Speaker 1: They're still asleep three days later. I haven't heard from.
Speaker 2: Him on the car ride home, and to be fair,
Speaker 2: it was late anyway.
Speaker 1: So like it could have just been the lateness of Yeah,
Speaker 1: but when the children to be away.
Speaker 2: Lola was in the back seat, you know, when you
Speaker 2: like look in the rearview mirror and you can kind
Speaker 2: of see them like she's like, I'm tired.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and they stare off and yeah, just like
Speaker 1: I remember when I fell asleep, and like he'd fallen
Speaker 1: asleep when we must have been going down a hill.
Speaker 1: Seat belt was just keeping falling.
Speaker 2: It was that poor neck.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was completely perfect. But he must have fallen
Speaker 1: asleep when we're going downhill because he was falling forward.
Speaker 1: But yeah, look, there's no secret. Every kid's going to
Speaker 1: be different. Don't put too much pressure in itself is
Speaker 1: one thing I would.
Speaker 2: Say, What the fuck did you just say?
Speaker 1: I'm full of good advice, Like, I just don't use it.
Speaker 2: Just as the episodes about to wrap up and comes
Speaker 2: out with like a nice care and considerate line prime
Speaker 2: for that, he's like, ye're fucking nothing. Yeah, and then
Speaker 2: you're like a better turn it around.
Speaker 1: Look, you just don't know what you're going to get
Speaker 1: with me, But do you think don't put too much
Speaker 1: pressure on yourself. That's nicest thing I've ever said.
Speaker 2: I feel weird about I feel sick.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, okay, so Matt, My question to you from
Speaker 1: the listeners, of course, tips for leaving the house with
Speaker 1: two kids solo.
Speaker 2: Shit, it's a nightmare.
Speaker 1: It's painful. It is, especially on your own trying to
Speaker 1: like I think, put the most aggressive one in and
Speaker 1: strap them down first. Yes, that's step one, because like
Speaker 1: you've got what usually one? If they're both crazy, we've
Speaker 1: got nothing for you.
Speaker 2: It's always hard, Like I mean, I can't think of
Speaker 2: any situation where both kids are being like, do you
Speaker 2: know what?
Speaker 1: I'm just going to get in the car.
Speaker 2: You look like you're a bit tired. I'll play ball.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I.
Speaker 2: Always, I always forget everything, so I have we talk
Speaker 2: about baby wipes such a critical critical component of parenting.
Speaker 1: You always forget them.
Speaker 2: So I always keep some in the car. I have
Speaker 2: someone like bags, I have some in the kitchen. They're
Speaker 2: like everywhere, So any situation, I'm always like within arm's
Speaker 2: reach of baby wipes. But then also I'm fortunate and
Speaker 2: that normally whenever I'm out of the house, I'm meeting
Speaker 2: up with a parent.
Speaker 1: Who's got their accurate supplies.
Speaker 2: Yea, yeah, so like for example, my sister, Oh they'll
Speaker 2: have it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So then I run.
Speaker 2: For example, Monday, just gone, I rocked up. I didn't
Speaker 2: have any snacks. I had nothing. I had one water
Speaker 2: bottle that the kids would share. That's all I had,
Speaker 2: and baby wipes. I was like, this is enough. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And then my sister's there would like cut up fruit
Speaker 2: like snacks, dried fruit as well, just like smallest board
Speaker 2: of food.
Speaker 1: And so we were like, okay, I'll have some four.
Speaker 2: Kids have like barely even had break. Go towards your
Speaker 2: auntie daddy.
Speaker 1: We're hungry.
Speaker 2: Her kids, They're like, where's our food? Mum might just
Speaker 2: stuff in their face. So find another parent who's far
Speaker 2: more organized and just always meet up with them.
Speaker 1: They got the great advice. Actually, that's great advice. Look
Speaker 1: for me, I would say, yep, strapping in the wildest
Speaker 1: one first to whatever it is that you're strapping them
Speaker 1: to pram body car, three things, I don't know what
Speaker 1: else you strapped them to bus, and then once you've
Speaker 1: got the craziest one in the car, then pack the
Speaker 1: bag the things you need.
Speaker 2: I was gonna ask, so do you because I sometimes
Speaker 2: do this? Will you put the kids in the car,
Speaker 2: lock them down first, and then pack the car second?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, leaving in the garage, garage, shupe the
Speaker 1: doors are open and they've got something they're playing with.
Speaker 1: I'm going back and forth. Load in the car up anyway.
Speaker 1: I think that's fair play. It was in the boiling cots,
Speaker 1: and I wouldn't do that.
Speaker 2: Obviously, we're not going to do that. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Sometimes what I'll do is like, like Macy be asleep,
Speaker 1: and I'll get everything in Oscar organized for when she's
Speaker 1: going to wake up, so I can go Oscar in
Speaker 1: the car. I'll go get Macy come down. Before Macy
Speaker 1: come to she's in the car and with left and.
Speaker 2: She's like, oh.
Speaker 1: Are we We're on the freeway. I think your advice
Speaker 1: is really good because yesterday we went to a friend's
Speaker 1: house and I was a day and I was like,
Speaker 1: I wasn't solo, but it was my idea to go
Speaker 1: to my friend's house, believe it or not. Strange and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, they have snacks up there. They wi, yeah,
Speaker 1: that they've bought with their hard earned money. I don't
Speaker 1: want to waste my my stuff that I bought with
Speaker 1: my money. Did they Oh yeah, yeah, great, oscar straight
Speaker 1: in the but yeah, look at the nightmare. Figure it
Speaker 1: out safety and numbers, you'll figure it out.
Speaker 2: Surround yourself with other parents who are far better than you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know. And it's like if it was like
Speaker 1: going out or something and I've got both kids and
Speaker 1: all my friends are busy. I'm like, what are some
Speaker 1: of your good mother friends doing?
Speaker 2: Them?
Speaker 1: Over there? Just be like, yeah, I really like you this.
Speaker 2: What's the occasion? April's out? We're moving sadly, ash, that
Speaker 2: is all we have time for.
Speaker 1: I go so fast?
Speaker 2: Oh doesn't it just when you're having fun? Drink drinking
Speaker 2: a beer?
Speaker 1: Unemployed?
Speaker 2: Can I just say, April are so quiet upstairs?
Speaker 1: She's very hard work. She's sleeping well as I am
Speaker 1: here a time?
Speaker 2: What are you doing up there?
Speaker 1: She so fast? Can't hear as I am unemployed? She's
Speaker 1: up there making the bacon. Don't you dare get up
Speaker 1: there and disturb it?
Speaker 2: Before I went to the bathroom and I was like hey, April,
Speaker 2: she was.
Speaker 1: Like, fuck.
Speaker 2: Can I ask before we go? Does that mean that
Speaker 2: given your unemployment status, so you're doing far more work
Speaker 2: with the kids. How is that how it's going to
Speaker 2: work in this household? What's going to happen?
Speaker 1: Absolutely not. It's all about me, not about them. No,
Speaker 1: look I'm gonna I'm going to take a leaf out
Speaker 1: of your book and have them on the Thursday, save
Speaker 1: a day on KINDI there.
Speaker 2: What we do on Thursdays.
Speaker 1: I'm just going to lock them in a room and
Speaker 1: get on with That's usually what dads do. I'll probably
Speaker 1: spend most of the down on the toilet. Let's be honest. Well,
Speaker 1: we can't both meet each other because neither although if
Speaker 1: two of us get together, we might have all the
Speaker 1: supplies we need.
Speaker 2: We'll be rocking up and I'm like, do you have
Speaker 2: any Like, no, I don't have anything. Kids will be
Speaker 2: like dressed one shoe on. People will be looking at us, like,
Speaker 2: what are those two fools?
Speaker 1: They're doting?
Speaker 2: Luckily for dads, the bar is so unfair.
Speaker 1: It's so good. You just got to be there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, literally be there, physically.
Speaker 1: Be in the room, and it's like, everyone, look at
Speaker 1: how good this dad is. Mum's really got to put
Speaker 1: up the hard yards to be judged, which sucks. On
Speaker 1: that note, let's end, we will get out.
Speaker 2: Of here before we go there. If you do enjoy
Speaker 2: this episode, or any episode of Two Doting.
Speaker 1: Dads or all.
Speaker 2: One, we would love it if you gave us a review. Actually,
Speaker 2: our actually actually, I would actually love to know in
Speaker 2: the review if you tell us what your favorite episode was.
Speaker 2: To be fair, most of them involved like body and swearing.
Speaker 1: As Matt has kindly pointed out my language.
Speaker 2: I feel like we didn't swear as much in this episode.
Speaker 2: It will reach.
Speaker 1: There you go and get the numbers up.
Speaker 2: Also give us a followers well on Apple Podcasts, so
Speaker 2: then each week it'll be inserted directly into your podcast
Speaker 2: in box, every single week into your box. Yeah that
Speaker 2: was quiet. Sorry, it's been a while for me. And
Speaker 2: then also gives a follow at Two Dating Dads on
Speaker 2: Instagram as well. And that is it.
Speaker 1: That is us. Thank you as all.
Speaker 2: We will see you next week on a Wednesday. But
Speaker 2: Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country
Speaker 2: throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.
Speaker 1: We pay our respects to their elders past and present
Speaker 1: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestrate Islander
Speaker 1: peoples today. This episode was recorded on gadagal Land