Speaker 1: Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country. We pay
Speaker 1: our respects to their elders past and present, Always was,
Speaker 1: always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on
Speaker 1: Drug Wallamuta Land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another
Speaker 1: episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 2: I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and Brittany's back baby. Yeah it
Speaker 2: was weird. I got a day off. I mean, yeah,
Speaker 2: so be nice.
Speaker 1: Not intentionally, So you guys know, I'm doing their fertility journey,
Speaker 1: the egg freezing, which is the two weeks of hormones.
Speaker 1: And I've spoken about it many times, but if you're
Speaker 1: new here, I'm in the middle of doing my egg freezing.
Speaker 1: But what it means it's so time specific. Well, we
Speaker 1: didn't realize.
Speaker 2: I mean actually I did, because I knew last time
Speaker 2: it was time specific. But like it's to the men,
Speaker 2: it's very time specific.
Speaker 1: And I mean when I say didn't realize, this is
Speaker 1: my third time doing it, so know now. But going
Speaker 1: into the process, and I think it's a really interesting
Speaker 1: thing that a lot of people don't know. And this
Speaker 1: is what I say to people when they're saying I
Speaker 1: want to do it. What do I need to know
Speaker 1: you need to be available. And when I say available
Speaker 1: for a two week period, you have to be available
Speaker 1: to go into the clinic to have your blood test,
Speaker 1: to have your ultrasounds, their internal ultrasounds where the probe
Speaker 1: goes in in your cervix. They scan the follicles from
Speaker 1: the inside, and they check the lining, and they check
Speaker 1: that they're growing. They do all their measurements, but that
Speaker 1: is all very time sensitive.
Speaker 2: So you'll do a blood test. I did a blood
Speaker 2: test a couple of days ago.
Speaker 1: Then they get the results and then they say, okay,
Speaker 1: you need to come in Monday morning between seven and
Speaker 1: eight thirty.
Speaker 2: That's it.
Speaker 1: So it doesn't matter what you've got on, you have
Speaker 1: to be available because stove. Yeah, because the rest of
Speaker 1: the testing and the rest of the injections and the
Speaker 1: dosages depend on that result. So once that result comes back,
Speaker 1: then I'll know when my next appointment is. So I
Speaker 1: know now that I have to go back tomorrow morning
Speaker 1: for another scan and another blood test to check how
Speaker 1: they're growing. And so I couldn't come to the recording
Speaker 1: last minute because I had to go and do this testing.
Speaker 2: So produce a Keisha field in. Did it go all right,
Speaker 2: it went great. That was Tuesday's episode. But how are
Speaker 2: the baby little follicles blip?
Speaker 1: Well, they're still unfortunately baby follicles.
Speaker 2: So I have quite a lot.
Speaker 1: So I've got about fourteen on one side and thirteen
Speaker 1: on the other. So that's what the sonographer tells you.
Speaker 1: But that's irrelevant because she didn't tell me the sizes.
Speaker 1: She's like, oh, this is how many you've gotten. That
Speaker 1: I got excited. That's what happened last time. But basically
Speaker 1: it's how big they are and if they're mature enough
Speaker 1: so quote unquote, so they do all the measurements. So
Speaker 1: I've got a lot, but they're measuring most of them
Speaker 1: are measuring really small.
Speaker 2: What are you going to do this time? Do you
Speaker 2: feel like this is the last time or do you
Speaker 2: think it's something that you could do again. I mean,
Speaker 2: I thought the last time was the last time. It's
Speaker 2: hard to know.
Speaker 1: I won't know until I get my results, and I
Speaker 1: don't want to do it again.
Speaker 2: I already know that.
Speaker 1: But if I get none again like last time, yes,
Speaker 1: I'll probably keep going until I get some more.
Speaker 2: Because none is none like.
Speaker 1: None none zeropsent chance of me using those in the future.
Speaker 1: So if I get none, I guess I'll go again.
Speaker 1: But I wonder, and I know that so many people
Speaker 1: in my dams, you know, I'm like third time. People
Speaker 1: are like, oh my gosh, good luck, I'm up to
Speaker 1: my fifteenth time. And I just think, oh my god,
Speaker 1: like what you have gone through so many times? And
Speaker 1: it's so common, like so many women saying thank you,
Speaker 1: I feel so alone.
Speaker 2: And that's why I put some polls up on my
Speaker 2: Instagram a couple of days ago.
Speaker 1: If you follow me, just trying to try and engage
Speaker 1: how many you have done this process or about it? Yeah,
Speaker 1: so people can look at it and see it's actually
Speaker 1: really quite common because so many people are messaging saying
Speaker 1: they feel so lonely in the process, which is really
Speaker 1: sad because it's really common and a lot of women
Speaker 1: are going through it, I guess, just not a lot
Speaker 1: of talking about it.
Speaker 2: I read this really interesting article which I can't remember
Speaker 2: where it was, but it was. I mean, it was
Speaker 2: an opinion piece around how prolific conversations are about egg
Speaker 2: freezing and how it's like, are we being made to
Speaker 2: worry more than we should now about our fertility because
Speaker 2: it seems like everyone is talking about egg freezing, and
Speaker 2: I know it's been a big conversation for us over
Speaker 2: the last couple of months, and it's something that is
Speaker 2: so important to be aware of. But I wonder where
Speaker 2: the tipping scale is in terms of how important it
Speaker 2: is and how many people should have in terms of
Speaker 2: if they were to go down the path of egg freezing,
Speaker 2: because I do think I think like the algorithm now knows,
Speaker 2: like I even get advertised egg freezing, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: hold ahda, but do you know what I mean. It's
Speaker 2: like something that we never would have thought about ten
Speaker 2: fifteen years ago, and now it's almost become so commonplace
Speaker 2: that you hit your thirties and you are thinking about
Speaker 2: or expecting to go down the path of egg freezing.
Speaker 1: And I genuinely think, now that I've done it for
Speaker 1: a few years, I think it should be commonplace. I
Speaker 1: think this should be a really common discussion. Not commonplace
Speaker 1: that you freeze your eggs, but commonplace that we're talking
Speaker 1: about it and that you're aware of it. Because education
Speaker 1: is the key. I think a lot of the time
Speaker 1: people aren't educated enough to know that they might have problems,
Speaker 1: what those problems could be, what they look like what
Speaker 1: masks those problems? When I think it should be common conversation.
Speaker 1: I think it should become a conversation that people are
Speaker 1: aware enough to say, hey, you know what, I don't
Speaker 1: know if i'll egg freeze, but I might just go
Speaker 1: and do that initial testing to see where I'm at,
Speaker 1: just so you have the knowledge to make the decision,
Speaker 1: because it's not for everyone.
Speaker 2: Not everyone's going to want to do it. And I
Speaker 2: think it is a really interesting conversation. And I'm fascinated
Speaker 2: by this idea that the pendulum almost has to swing
Speaker 2: so far in the opposite direction. And it's not in
Speaker 2: terms of like giving people fertility anxiety, but it's around
Speaker 2: at least knowing what your fertility is and having a
Speaker 2: bit of awareness over it, because I think, like for
Speaker 2: so many of us for so long, it's this like
Speaker 2: unknown until you're trying, I mean, until you're in the
Speaker 2: position that you want to have a baby, you just
Speaker 2: don't know. You're just assuming and you're going off what
Speaker 2: you think might be the case. But I do think it.
Speaker 2: I mean I wonder whether in set of ten year
Speaker 2: time it will be something, or five years time even
Speaker 2: that becomes more and I don't want to say more
Speaker 2: of an anxiety for people, but becomes like more front
Speaker 2: of mine because it is becoming so common and now
Speaker 2: the algorithms are selling us egg freezing. There is like
Speaker 2: advertising around it, and it's just becoming something that does
Speaker 2: play into people's insecurities around where their fertility sits, especially
Speaker 2: for people who are single as well.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's why I think it's important to go
Speaker 1: and get the testing so you have the knowledge. You
Speaker 1: don't have to go and make that decision because you
Speaker 1: saw an ad Totally. Oh my god, I'm thirty and
Speaker 1: I've seen an ad. I've got to go egg freeze.
Speaker 1: That's not it at all. But it's knowing what your
Speaker 1: situation is, what your biological situation is, because it's different
Speaker 1: for everybody. So I don't think it's a scare tactic.
Speaker 1: And I never want to be talking about this and
Speaker 1: scare anybody. But I want to talk about this and
Speaker 1: have somebody sit there and say, oh, maybe I'll just check.
Speaker 2: It out totally and have visibility around it. Yeah. So
Speaker 2: this is Thursday.
Speaker 1: I think my collection will be sad, but you don't
Speaker 1: know until probably two days ago. Harvest time again, when
Speaker 1: they do that is an operation they do go under
Speaker 1: for a local or can you be awake for that?
Speaker 2: You can do either, but I always go under.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I would too, because for a local,
Speaker 1: the way I think about it, and I mean, like,
Speaker 1: I'm sure everyone that's ever given birth is like, suck
Speaker 1: it up, Brittany, But for a local, it's like you're
Speaker 1: awake and they have to put the anesthetic into your cervix,
Speaker 1: so you still have to have that moment where you're
Speaker 1: not anesetized to be an esetized, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So it's still got to go in there and you've
Speaker 1: got to have that. And I was just like, just
Speaker 1: just put me out. I was like, knock me out
Speaker 1: and wake me up like an hour later. I don't
Speaker 1: know so I feel about childbirth. Just put me under
Speaker 1: and take it out of me. I don't want to
Speaker 1: know about it totally, Like.
Speaker 2: Wait, I want to know when I have a baby.
Speaker 2: I want to know. I want to wake up like
Speaker 2: two years later. You don't it, just put me in
Speaker 2: in juice coma. I honestly, every time I see like
Speaker 2: mother Earth, mothers who are like fucking water birthing and
Speaker 2: home birthing and breathing their way through it. I'm just like,
Speaker 2: you are a better human than I am. And I
Speaker 2: know that that's not how we should look at it,
Speaker 2: but really I'm like, wow, you are so much stronger
Speaker 2: than me. I am pathetic and weak and scared. I know.
Speaker 2: I think actually more of my friends than not I
Speaker 2: have done water births just at home or like at
Speaker 2: a hospital that provides the water birth. I don't.
Speaker 1: I I don't know if I can even think about that,
Speaker 1: And I think I'd be one of those people that thinks.
Speaker 2: It's a great idea. I honestly, and I say this
Speaker 2: with the greatest admiration. When people are like, breathe the
Speaker 2: baby out, I'm like, I screamed that motherfucking baby out,
Speaker 2: slid straight across the count. No, it certainly did not
Speaker 2: trust me. Didn't four cents in a s suction cap
Speaker 2: and everything. That kid came out with a cone head.
Speaker 2: It was locked down. Honestly, Molly May was still holding
Speaker 2: onto the lining of my uterus. She was like, I'm
Speaker 2: not going anywhere. She was two and a half weeks
Speaker 2: late and she was holding on for due life. And
Speaker 2: that's funny. She's so small too.
Speaker 1: I mean, I know that doesn't mean anything, but usually
Speaker 1: she's so small. Usually you think when they go over
Speaker 1: they're any more in there, you know, like they're growing bigger.
Speaker 2: But she was a tiny little thing. I yeah, she
Speaker 2: was so so small that it makes me think maybe
Speaker 2: she wasn't that overcooked, Maybe didn't actually get the time. Maybe.
Speaker 2: But I mean, I'm pretty sure that people who I'm
Speaker 2: pretty sure the midwives and whoever were doing the testing
Speaker 2: and the obstecutions and everything else know a lot more
Speaker 2: than I do. I'm sure they were correct and I
Speaker 2: was very wrong. But anyway, but I.
Speaker 1: Put Originally, when I started to talk about this third process,
Speaker 1: like we've said, I felt like I was over talking
Speaker 1: about it, not over it, but like talking too much
Speaker 1: about it. And I didn't want to talk about something
Speaker 1: you guys didn't want to hear about. So I put
Speaker 1: a poll up about what you want to hear if
Speaker 1: I talk about it? Is it seeing the injections, is
Speaker 1: it how to do it? Is it how I'm feeling?
Speaker 1: Is it the result? And overwhelmingly the response was like
Speaker 1: the physiological differences and how I'm looking and how I'm feeling.
Speaker 2: But the number one thing is.
Speaker 1: I'm just so emotional, like the number of times I
Speaker 1: cry a day, and what I'm crying about makes me
Speaker 1: want to cry about it, Like I'm having the most
Speaker 1: ridiculous fights with Ben.
Speaker 2: Okay, just I talked me through the most recent fire.
Speaker 1: The most recent argument was only yesterday. I shouldn't say
Speaker 1: it's a fight, but because it's not. It's him being
Speaker 1: so confused and me just being so upset.
Speaker 2: You being a psychopath. And came being like what have
Speaker 2: I gotten myself into?
Speaker 1: There were two actually that are actually so ridiculous that
Speaker 1: I don't even want to put it out to the universe.
Speaker 1: Yesterday's one was Ben's been a bit unwell and he
Speaker 1: had to go and get an X ray. And so
Speaker 1: he went to get the X ray and because I
Speaker 1: encouraged him, right, I'm like, you're not well, just go
Speaker 1: and check it out, you know, like appease me.
Speaker 2: So he did, went got an X ray.
Speaker 1: I woke up the next day and he's like, hey,
Speaker 1: hey babe, got my X ray. I was like, cool,
Speaker 1: send the X ray three so I can have a look.
Speaker 1: Because you guys know, or you might not know, but
Speaker 1: I worked in radiology for thirteen years.
Speaker 2: I'd taken them every day my life. So I was like,
Speaker 2: send it through. He's like, well, what I send through?
Speaker 2: I was like the x ray? It's like, I don't
Speaker 2: have it. I was like, what what do you mean?
Speaker 2: I fucking have it. He's like, well, babe, I just
Speaker 2: went to the hospital. They kept it, got the x ray,
Speaker 2: and they keep it file. And I was like, you
Speaker 2: didn't ask them for the picture. He's like, why would
Speaker 2: I ask them?
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know, Ben, maybe because I
Speaker 1: this is my job, this is what I do. Did
Speaker 1: you not think i'd anyway? It went on and on
Speaker 1: and on, and he couldn't understand. He's like I'm sorry, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no one can understand.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: He's like he couldn't understand. And I was upset that.
Speaker 1: I was like, you don't even understand me, you don't
Speaker 1: even know me, Like.
Speaker 2: What were you going to do that the doctor wasn't
Speaker 2: already going to do or the radiographer who took the
Speaker 2: photo in the first place was going to do. That's
Speaker 2: my point.
Speaker 1: And the thing is, I know, deep down and I'm
Speaker 1: being completely irrational and such a twat, like I know it.
Speaker 1: And I came back later on and apologize, but at
Speaker 1: the moment, I really sat in it. I really made
Speaker 1: him feel bad for I said, quote unquote not considering
Speaker 1: me in this situation in his illness, in his hospital visit.
Speaker 1: And I was like, you didn't even consider me.
Speaker 2: He was like, of course I didn't. You're on the
Speaker 2: other side. Fuck. It's so annoying because you're like, I
Speaker 2: don't want to give in too the hormones. Not that
Speaker 2: you don't want to give into them, but you're like,
Speaker 2: I don't want to believe that they run my life
Speaker 2: this much, but they really do. And every time, And
Speaker 2: I know this was part of you guys at the
Speaker 2: live show. It was part of my one of my
Speaker 2: stories of the live show, the amount of crazy that
Speaker 2: I feel two days before getting my period. Do you
Speaker 2: remember I called you the other night and I was like,
Speaker 2: I just can't stop crying, or called me balling, And
Speaker 2: then Matt said to me once again, he was like,
Speaker 2: are you sure? And it's like every time it comes
Speaker 2: as a surprise to me. Every month, I don't track
Speaker 2: my period, so it's kind of like a bit of
Speaker 2: a kinder surprise. I'm not exactly sure what day it's
Speaker 2: gonna come, but I should know by now. That the
Speaker 2: two days that I'm fucking balling my eyes at is
Speaker 2: a pretty clear indication that it's on its way. Well, also,
Speaker 2: maybe you should just track it, nah cuvy bother. That's
Speaker 2: another thing I'll forget about. Let's be real.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I feel like I feel like Satan is
Speaker 1: going to make your life easier.
Speaker 2: But you do your boo, you do your boo, but
Speaker 2: you live your life. I like the spontaneity in the
Speaker 2: surprise of not knowing. Matt can sniff that out. He's
Speaker 2: like a period bower Bird. He's like, I know what's
Speaker 2: happening here. He's always right. That's the problem. It's so infuriating. Well,
Speaker 2: I was just I think the emotion's only going to
Speaker 2: get worse.
Speaker 1: So that was yesterday, and I was just driving to
Speaker 1: work today and I was listening to the Eras playlist,
Speaker 1: like Taylor Swift because.
Speaker 2: I'm crying in the car.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to really get in the tailor zone for
Speaker 1: her concept, and so I was listening to Taylor, I've
Speaker 1: got the set list, which you should start to listen
Speaker 1: to so you know the whole set. And I was
Speaker 1: crying the whole way and every lyric hit me differently,
Speaker 1: and like I sat there and cried for like forty
Speaker 1: five minutes on the whole trip, every song, and I
Speaker 1: was thinking of Bend the whole time, and then I
Speaker 1: would cry be of happiness.
Speaker 2: I hate me. I hate me right now.
Speaker 1: But speaking of Taylor, did you see her moment last night? Well,
Speaker 1: this was two days ago when this comes out, But
Speaker 1: her moment in Argentina where Travis, her boyfriend, was at
Speaker 1: the show and she changed the lyrics to him.
Speaker 2: Did you see the moment? No? Okay, I have not
Speaker 2: been following anything, and I think I'm the only person
Speaker 2: in Australia who's not or the only person who actually
Speaker 2: enjoys Taylor Swift. I have not been following this relationship
Speaker 2: at all.
Speaker 1: Okay, do you have an opinion on the relationship if
Speaker 1: you think it's before we get into this, if you
Speaker 1: think it's PR or real?
Speaker 2: Oh, I don't have No. I don't have a firm
Speaker 2: feeling either way. The only thing though, is I would
Speaker 2: suspect that someone as big as Taylor, as medius savvy,
Speaker 2: as PR savvy as Taylor, knows what she's doing. I
Speaker 2: don't think it's a PR relationship, but I definitely think
Speaker 2: that she knows how to use her relationships to her advantage. Yes,
Speaker 2: I agree, And she's the queen of storytelling, so I
Speaker 2: don't think she's going to miss a storytelling opportunity. Like
Speaker 2: I know, the whole friendship bracelet thing like that is
Speaker 2: a storytelling moment.
Speaker 1: So I when it first came out, when the relationship
Speaker 1: first came out, because you know, we're not going to
Speaker 1: deep dive into that because I'm sure you guys have
Speaker 1: all heard it. But Travis went to her concert. He
Speaker 1: loved Taylor. Travis Kelsey. He's the American football player. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's got the big mo he's hot, he's big, manly,
Speaker 1: not Taylor's usual type.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, he's a footy player. So he went to
Speaker 2: the concert. He wanted to ask her out.
Speaker 1: He tried to give her a friendship, his own friendship
Speaker 1: bracelet to Taylor, like with his number on it. It
Speaker 1: was a whole thing, right, But he couldn't get to
Speaker 1: her in terms of she was like, I'm not saying anyone,
Speaker 1: like no, I don't even.
Speaker 2: Know who you are.
Speaker 1: But then publicly he told that story and he's like, ah,
Speaker 1: he threw it out there. I want to bite Taylor
Speaker 1: to one of my matches. I tried to give her
Speaker 1: my phone number. I couldn't get to us, so the
Speaker 1: media took that Taylor heard about it. Taylor turned up
Speaker 1: to the game, this big thing, right. But since they've
Speaker 1: come out, both of them have skyrocketed. And I know
Speaker 1: you think she can't skyrocket anymore, but she has. I mean,
Speaker 1: he's definitely doing better out of her than she. Hondy Honey,
Speaker 1: definitely punching.
Speaker 2: So oh, I don't know if he's punching because he's
Speaker 2: pretty hot. No, I don't mean, I don't mean, I
Speaker 2: mean hotness does not come into punching. I think. I
Speaker 2: mean as in, like this in terms of success has
Speaker 2: been way more advantageous to him, I think than her.
Speaker 1: Well yeah, but I don't know a man in the
Speaker 1: world that it would be opposite, Like any man that
Speaker 1: dates Taylor Swift. She's the biggest thing in the world, right,
Speaker 1: So anyone's going to be punching or like, it's going
Speaker 1: to be advantageous.
Speaker 2: Which is the sad thing.
Speaker 1: And like it must be so hard to be someone
Speaker 1: like Taylor Swift who has to second guess everyone that
Speaker 1: wants to be in a life.
Speaker 2: I remember when it first came out. I am guilty.
Speaker 1: Of saying, oh, this is probably PR her coming out,
Speaker 1: and he's got all these matches that it's.
Speaker 2: Going to do him good as well.
Speaker 1: And it was such a different relationship for her that
Speaker 1: I didn't believe it at the start, But I didn't
Speaker 1: care either, like everyone in Hollywood does PR relationships, So
Speaker 1: I wasn't off it, but I didn't believe it.
Speaker 2: I was like, cute.
Speaker 1: You know, they're gonna do what they're gonna do for
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks. They're gonna get a lot of publicity,
Speaker 1: they're gonna say that they're better off as friends and
Speaker 1: part ways.
Speaker 2: But I'm so in this relationship now.
Speaker 1: I think it's so real. I think they're genuinely in love.
Speaker 1: So they had this moment last night in Argentina at
Speaker 1: her concert. He's flown over there to watch her. He's
Speaker 1: in a private box. She's performing. It's packed, it's sold out,
Speaker 1: and some people in the crowd are filming.
Speaker 2: Now. She's singing the song Karma, which the lyrics comma
Speaker 2: as My fire Bear.
Speaker 1: The original lyrics are, Karma is the guy on the screen.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to sing it, Karma is this girl?
Speaker 1: Karma is the guy on the screen coming Straight Home to.
Speaker 2: Me, which is about her ex boyfriend who was an actor. Yep,
Speaker 2: all he's an actor, so he's a guy and this
Speaker 2: you've seen on the screen. He comes Straight Home to Me.
Speaker 2: So she's in the middle of this.
Speaker 1: Set and she looks up to him, to Travis, and
Speaker 1: she says, and it was such a simple moment, but
Speaker 1: he didn't know what was coming. And you can see
Speaker 1: that he hears the lyrics and his face and he's
Speaker 1: so shocked and so toughed and he sat It's so
Speaker 1: I've got goosebumps.
Speaker 2: It's the cutest thing.
Speaker 1: You have to watch it. And he's beside himself, his
Speaker 1: dad's there. They're like, oh my god. And then he
Speaker 1: starts like really rocking out, like really dancing to his
Speaker 1: girlfriend's lyrics.
Speaker 2: And she's pointing up at him, and she makes.
Speaker 1: A few references throughout the concert to him, like whenever
Speaker 1: there's a key sentence for a moment, she looks up
Speaker 1: at him and she points at to him.
Speaker 2: And and my only take on this is that historically
Speaker 2: a lot of the people that Taylor has dated have
Speaker 2: either been musicians or actors. And I can only imagine
Speaker 2: that when you were in her orbit, but you also
Speaker 2: trying to forge a successful career yourself within the public
Speaker 2: sphere that you work, so like within a very similar
Speaker 2: industry to her, you'd then be constantly competing and be
Speaker 2: constantly in the shadow of her fame. I can only
Speaker 2: imagine that that's one of the reasons why people like
Speaker 2: her ex boyfriend Joel or Olwen weren't publicly getting photographed together.
Speaker 2: They weren't publicly going to events together. They were very
Speaker 2: private in terms of their relationship, whereas somebody who is
Speaker 2: very successful in his own right, who is an American
Speaker 2: football player, that they're not competing. It doesn't take away
Speaker 2: from him to be public, and it doesn't take away
Speaker 2: from her. It only is something that they can They
Speaker 2: can revel in each other's successes without either of them
Speaker 2: living in the shadow of the other person's success because
Speaker 2: the industries are so so deeply different. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, And I think that's a part of why I
Speaker 1: originally thought it was publicity, because she, historically speaking, is
Speaker 1: so private and half the time she gets carried out
Speaker 1: of places in like bags people don't even know in there.
Speaker 1: She gets like smuggled out because she doesn't want to
Speaker 1: be seen and photographed, and she really respects that relationship.
Speaker 1: Now I'm not saying she doesn't respect this relationship, but
Speaker 1: I genuinely think she's come to a point of her
Speaker 1: life like where she's like, I don't fucking care anymore.
Speaker 1: I want to be like everyone else.
Speaker 2: I want to be no, because she's not fucking like
Speaker 2: everyone else.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: But there's not one single part of their relationship that's
Speaker 2: like everyone else's.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: But she's not want to. I get she knows she's going.
Speaker 1: To be photographed, she knows she's not the same, but
Speaker 1: she's like, I just want to be in that moment.
Speaker 1: If I want to be happy with my partner in public,
Speaker 1: if I want to kiss him, if I want to
Speaker 1: do whatever, I really love that.
Speaker 2: Like it was just them.
Speaker 1: Being genuinely so in love and happy to see each other,
Speaker 1: and it was just the moment where I thought, yes,
Speaker 1: I'm fucking I'm here for this relationship and I believe
Speaker 1: you and I want this to work.
Speaker 2: I think it can be both. I think it can
Speaker 2: be both. I think it can be a real relationship
Speaker 2: that also is very pr advantageous, and I think that
Speaker 2: it's very possible that they're leaning into both of those things.
Speaker 2: I think it benefits both of them to be the
Speaker 2: public spectac that they're becoming. I wonder if you'll come
Speaker 2: to Australia. I mean it's a long way. Yeah, it
Speaker 2: does anyone care? Probably probably everyone except I don't care.
Speaker 2: I truly don't care. Anyway. Let's get into our vibes
Speaker 2: and unsubscribes on the episode. I have a vibe today
Speaker 2: now look full transparency. This is a brand who I'm
Speaker 2: going to be working with, but the vibe is fucking
Speaker 2: strong and I'm recommending it. So Buster through. He is
Speaker 2: a rescue dog. I got him when he was one.
Speaker 2: He's got three legs. He's an angel sent from the heavens.
Speaker 2: He is truly like the most amazing dog. And I
Speaker 2: often think that rescue dogs get a bad rap, Like
Speaker 2: people often think that rescue dogs are aggressive, or you
Speaker 2: don't really know their background. And we know or we
Speaker 2: kind of loosely know that Buster is a bull Arab,
Speaker 2: which a bull Arab is a mix between a bull Mastiff,
Speaker 2: a Great Dane, a Dalmatian. It's like it's like a
Speaker 2: random millonge of dogs that's been made and it's like
Speaker 2: an Australian breed of dogs, but no one actually knows
Speaker 2: exactly what kind of goes into them. So my recommendation is,
Speaker 2: you know how you can do ancestry for like people,
Speaker 2: you could do pet ancestry. I didn't know this was
Speaker 2: a thing. So you do like a little swabby swab
Speaker 2: at the inside of their mouth and you send it
Speaker 2: away and you can find out exactly the breakdown of
Speaker 2: the breed of your dog. And I think this is amazing.
Speaker 2: How you know, I had no idea, but it is
Speaker 2: a thing, and we're doing it at the moment for Buster,
Speaker 2: so I'm waiting for his ancestry to come back. And
Speaker 2: I just think it's adorable. And if you're someone who's
Speaker 2: a dog person and you've always wondered, like, what is
Speaker 2: the DNA makeup of your animal? I think it's so cool. Yeah,
Speaker 2: there you go. We can't wait to find out. Same.
Speaker 2: Give you guys have all the livestock. I'll let you
Speaker 2: know exactly how much darmbation is in Buster. All jokes aside,
Speaker 2: I'm actually really interested. Same, I'm person so same, I'm
Speaker 2: so interested.
Speaker 1: The only thing about Buster, his only flaw is his
Speaker 1: dick's always.
Speaker 2: Out Dick's always out.
Speaker 1: I've never seen him without a king lipstick. It is
Speaker 1: not like it is always out. It's flapped out. It's
Speaker 1: like a it's like a draft penis, and it's always erect.
Speaker 2: It is mighty and story. It's like a well, I
Speaker 2: mean he's compensating for the missing leg with his additional
Speaker 2: foram I reckon, that's no. But like he anytime he's excited,
Speaker 2: anytime you say walk, anytime you say water, anytime you
Speaker 2: say fucking ball. Anything to him, he's like dick out
Speaker 2: and just excited to be in the world. Maybe that's
Speaker 2: what happens, like maybe after you've been through like a
Speaker 2: big trauma like he did poor thing or hit by
Speaker 2: a car, had a leg removed. Maybe like you, he's
Speaker 2: just really excited to be alive and everything excites him. Yeah,
Speaker 2: all day, second list, Yeah, Okay. My vibe this week
Speaker 2: is it's a podcast, and it's not a good podcast
Speaker 2: in terms of a happy podcast. I'm recommending a terrible
Speaker 2: podcast today.
Speaker 1: No, not a good podcast in terms of it's a
Speaker 1: crime podcast, so it doesn't have a great ending for
Speaker 1: the person. But I love crime podcasts and I'm always
Speaker 1: trying to find that something new to listen to.
Speaker 2: So it's called The Trial Ashling Murphy. That's her name, Ashlin.
Speaker 2: Yeah A s h L I n G.
Speaker 1: It's from the same people from a podcast I recommended
Speaker 1: you guys a little while ago, which was the trial
Speaker 1: of Lucy Leppie even a nurse. Yeah, so she was
Speaker 1: the pediatric nurse that was charged with all these murders
Speaker 1: horrific of babies that you're supposed to be looking after.
Speaker 1: It's from the same people, so I really feel the
Speaker 1: connection to them. Now, you know, when you like a
Speaker 1: host or you like the people that produce something.
Speaker 2: So we also like the way in which the storytelling's
Speaker 2: done exactly.
Speaker 1: I mean that was downloaded over thirteen million times. So
Speaker 1: this is season two. I mean I'm not gonna say
Speaker 1: too much, but she's a twenty three your teacher in
Speaker 1: Ireland that's murdered. And Ireland, as you guys know, is
Speaker 1: very small, but the community is all very small too,
Speaker 1: So this really like I follow Irish people on Instagram
Speaker 1: now that are talking about it because it's current.
Speaker 2: You know, this trial it's hard.
Speaker 1: I always feel really guilty when I recommend a true
Speaker 1: crime podcast because when I think about the person. It's
Speaker 1: a real person, you know, a real person was murdered,
Speaker 1: So you almost feel like you shouldn't be talking about it,
Speaker 1: But then there's a part of you that's like, well,
Speaker 1: in her honor, more people should listen to what happened
Speaker 1: to this person. You know, they know who killed her
Speaker 1: and they do him.
Speaker 2: And because it's the.
Speaker 1: Trial, so it's about the trial of this man talking
Speaker 1: about how they discovered who did it, what he was
Speaker 1: doing in the lead up, and it's one of those
Speaker 1: things that gives you goosebumps, what he was doing in
Speaker 1: the lead up to this murder and how many women
Speaker 1: which is fucking wild. How many women were almost this woman,
Speaker 1: Like how many women he was following and.
Speaker 2: It's so awful.
Speaker 1: And those women also talking about it, like they were like,
Speaker 1: I remember him following this.
Speaker 2: I was so scared. But they didn't know until the
Speaker 2: trial that that's how close they were to be in
Speaker 2: that person. That's so so terrifying. Yeah, so it's I mean,
Speaker 2: I likely listen to it. And that's my vibe of
Speaker 2: this week. It's the trial Ashling Murphy. Do you know
Speaker 2: what I did watch? I watched a recommendation from last
Speaker 2: week last top Larima.
Speaker 1: Loll cano, right, I mean though about it, like it's
Speaker 1: almost satirical.
Speaker 2: Yeah, one hundred percent. It's the weirdest murder mystery I've
Speaker 2: ever watched. But I actually was on the edge of
Speaker 2: my seat. I loved it. I think if you haven't
Speaker 2: watched Spritz recommendation from last week, which was on Netflix
Speaker 2: last Stop Larama. It's two episodes. Matt and I watched
Speaker 2: it over the weekend and honestly, you just question, like,
Speaker 2: why would you ever live in a town like this?
Speaker 2: But also the town itself seems so interesting. It seems
Speaker 2: like the type of place and a haven where like
Speaker 2: the most odd balls of Australian society would go to
Speaker 2: and find their little community, even though they all kind
Speaker 2: of hate each other. Go go watch that. That's like
Speaker 2: a rehash and of recommendation. Anyway, let's get into the questions.
Speaker 2: This is the wildest ask uncut we have ever received.
Speaker 2: I almost think it's going to be the hardest one
Speaker 2: to answer that we've ever had.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm an absolute loss. My fiance and I have
Speaker 1: been together for six years. We have an amazing relationship,
Speaker 1: and shortly after we got engaged, we decided to make
Speaker 1: our secret fantasy a reality.
Speaker 2: After deciding that I didn't.
Speaker 1: Want to die wondering, I asked my fiance if he
Speaker 1: would be willing to have a threesome, a one of
Speaker 1: the experience for us both before we get married. We're
Speaker 1: both quite open and trusting with each other and wanted
Speaker 1: to experience just this one thing one time. We both
Speaker 1: agreed to doing this, and I ended up asking a
Speaker 1: friend of mine if she would be willing. We all agreed,
Speaker 1: and after a lot of great communication, we worked out
Speaker 1: what we were okay.
Speaker 2: With and how it would all go down slash who
Speaker 2: would go down here.
Speaker 1: I felt comfortable and secure about doing this with a
Speaker 1: friend that I had asked because we're not super close,
Speaker 1: but we have known each other for a long time.
Speaker 1: I didn't really want to do this with a friend
Speaker 1: that would be around a lot. I didn't want them
Speaker 1: to be super close to me. She was very respectful
Speaker 1: about boundaries and made sure I was happy with everything.
Speaker 2: When it came to do and the deed, my fiance.
Speaker 1: And I were both super stoked we did this, and
Speaker 1: we said we felt closer than ever.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: There's a lot in this, so I'm going to fast forward. Basically,
Speaker 1: the next little while.
Speaker 2: We didn't talk to that girl.
Speaker 1: We messaged her twice just to keep contact, but she's
Speaker 1: not a close friend. Last week she called and dropped
Speaker 1: an absolute bombshell on us. She called me when I
Speaker 1: was at work and told me that she was pregnant.
Speaker 2: I don't even have words, Craig bragante, and that my
Speaker 2: fiance is a father. I called my fiance straight away.
Speaker 1: He said, Oh my god, I actually think the condom
Speaker 1: did break, but I was too drunk to remember or
Speaker 1: to even think about talking about it.
Speaker 2: She's decided to keep the baby. Holy shit, I know,
Speaker 2: she said. I feel really blindsided. I have no idea
Speaker 2: what to do. How do I even process this.
Speaker 1: My fiance and I do want kids together one day,
Speaker 1: but the idea of him having a baby with another
Speaker 1: woman makes me feel sick. He's so upset and confused
Speaker 1: about what to do or how to feel. How do
Speaker 1: we explain this to friends and family? How do we
Speaker 1: know if this can even work? I feel so overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I can stay in this relationship
Speaker 1: and move over it. But there's nothing wrong with our
Speaker 1: relationship except this.
Speaker 2: Oh okay, let's attack it from the top. Down, you
Speaker 2: can't do anything. If she wants to keep this baby,
Speaker 2: that is absolutely one hundred percent her decision. And unfortunately,
Speaker 2: it means that if you want to stay in a
Speaker 2: relationship with your husband, your fiance, that this baby and
Speaker 2: it's mum, your friend, is going to be in your
Speaker 2: life forever, forever, and that's going to be something that
Speaker 2: you're going to have to make like you're gonna have
Speaker 2: to go to some therapy and you're going to have
Speaker 2: to come to terms with if it's something that you
Speaker 2: are able to do now. I think realistically, I'm trying
Speaker 2: to put myself in your position, which is just I
Speaker 2: can't even I cannot even imagine what it is that
Speaker 2: you're going through. But I guess what I would try
Speaker 2: and compartmentalize is that this was a decision that you
Speaker 2: guys both made together mutually as a couple, that you
Speaker 2: wanted to do, and you didn't have any regrets after
Speaker 2: doing it. Obviously, you don't want to have a baby.
Speaker 2: That's not something that was on the cards or it
Speaker 2: wasn't a plan. But I don't think it has to
Speaker 2: come at the sacrifice of your relationship, because he didn't
Speaker 2: go out and cheat on you. You mutually had the
Speaker 2: experience together, and now the byproduct of that is that
Speaker 2: he's going to be the father or the DNA contributor
Speaker 2: to a baby. I think together the two of you
Speaker 2: have to make the decisions around one obviously if you're
Speaker 2: going to stay together, but to what sort of father,
Speaker 2: What sort of contribution does he want to make into
Speaker 2: that child's life. And that can be being a proactive dad,
Speaker 2: that can be not anything if he doesn't want to be.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying that that is the great option or
Speaker 2: that is the most moral option, but that is also
Speaker 2: an option. He can financially contribute to the child's life,
Speaker 2: but he doesn't have to be a proactive part of
Speaker 2: the child's life. And how do you explain it to
Speaker 2: friends and family? You tell him, I think you have
Speaker 2: to tell the truth. I think you be honest. I
Speaker 2: think you genuinely be honest. And I think the reason
Speaker 2: why you genuinely be honest, especially with people in your
Speaker 2: closest knit circle, is because the assumption is going to
Speaker 2: be that he cheated on you. And if you love
Speaker 2: your partner and you want to protect your partner, I
Speaker 2: think you carry a bit of that weight together because
Speaker 2: he didn't betray you. Uh fucking' hew. I mean, but
Speaker 2: I don't want to skim over this. I don't know
Speaker 2: if I would be able to survive this in my relationship.
Speaker 1: No, and this is the thing that I think I
Speaker 1: want to the angle I want to go down and
Speaker 1: I we need to cover it all.
Speaker 2: But I have thought about this for the last couple
Speaker 2: of days. I spoke to Beat about it.
Speaker 1: I've been really trying to get my head around what
Speaker 1: I would do in this situation. And I guess it's
Speaker 1: one of those things you don't know unless you're in it.
Speaker 1: I mean, she ends it with I don't know if
Speaker 1: I can accept this situation. Unfortunately, if you can't accept it,
Speaker 1: Whilst that's not fair, you don't have another option. You
Speaker 1: can't stay in a relationship if you're not going to
Speaker 1: accept it, because it is forever. I'm also making an
Speaker 1: assumption here that your partner is got and you if
Speaker 1: you stay in the relationship, because you will become a
Speaker 1: step mum. But your partner, I assuming he's going to
Speaker 1: do the right thing, because you know it was a
Speaker 1: situation you.
Speaker 2: All willingly went into and it is a friend.
Speaker 1: I can't imagine a man in that situation, being like, no,
Speaker 1: you're on your own making that assumption that he's going
Speaker 1: to be involved in some capacity financially and physically.
Speaker 2: Do you think though, that that is the wrong thing.
Speaker 2: It is an interesting debate because I don't think this
Speaker 2: might caught me into a bit of hot water in may.
Speaker 2: I do think that you financially need to contribute, So
Speaker 2: if you have unprotected sex with someone. Firstly, I mean,
Speaker 2: it's terrible that the condom broke and he did not
Speaker 2: have a conversation with her. He didn't think about her.
Speaker 2: He was too drunk. Like that's a whole that is
Speaker 2: a really massive issue that we can't just skim over.
Speaker 2: Like morally, this is a situation he created by his irresponsibility,
Speaker 2: and he had sex in a way that she therefore
Speaker 2: did not consent to. And now she's pregnant, and this
Speaker 2: poor woman is having a baby that she didn't necessarily
Speaker 2: want to have, but is keeping it. And that's you know,
Speaker 2: like that's her decision to do so. But I guess
Speaker 2: when it comes to the expectation that he has or
Speaker 2: that people have on him, to be a proactive part
Speaker 2: in this child's life, I think financially and legally he
Speaker 2: has to be. But I don't think that a man
Speaker 2: has to be a father figure in a child's life
Speaker 2: that he didn't also agree to wanting to have. Does
Speaker 2: that make sense, Yeah, I mean I disagree. I think
Speaker 2: it's unfair, but I don't think that there's an expectation
Speaker 2: to toplay that part.
Speaker 1: I think it's a responsibility that you need to take
Speaker 1: in some capacity.
Speaker 2: Of course, you don't have to. If I was that
Speaker 2: child and.
Speaker 1: I grew up knowing that my dad was my mum's
Speaker 1: friend literally down the road, and he didn't fucking care
Speaker 1: about me. He threw me some money. Sometimes it's going
Speaker 1: to have an impact. So I think it kind of
Speaker 1: sound to him it's a moral obligation. Obligation is probably
Speaker 1: the wrong word. It's a moral responsibility. You are not
Speaker 1: obligated if you don't want to. No human in the
Speaker 1: world obviously is. But I think it shows a lot
Speaker 1: if he isn't involved in his child's life. I don't
Speaker 1: think that in this situation money is enough personally.
Speaker 2: Especially when it was his fault. Yeah, and we don't
Speaker 2: say fault right, Well, it was he's caught the condom
Speaker 2: broke and he was too drunk to actually acknowledge it
Speaker 2: or talk about it. That's his fault coming back to
Speaker 2: you because this is about you. I feel so sorry
Speaker 2: for you.
Speaker 1: But if you think that there is a way you
Speaker 1: can get through this, which I think you should probably
Speaker 1: try if he's the love of your life and you
Speaker 1: are going to have kids one day to get If
Speaker 1: you really think you can move through it, then you
Speaker 1: need to all talk together. You need to sit down
Speaker 1: with this friend, go through what it's going to look like.
Speaker 1: What are the expectations, Are there boundaries? Then you need
Speaker 1: to have a conversation with your partner. What do you
Speaker 1: want in this in terms of being a father? What
Speaker 1: do you want from me? Do you still want to
Speaker 1: have your own kids with me in that situation? There
Speaker 1: are so many aspects of this that you need to
Speaker 1: nut out the holy fuck yeah.
Speaker 2: I mean, look, think I agree with you on some
Speaker 2: parts and I disagree with you on others. I definitely
Speaker 2: think the three of you need to sit down and
Speaker 2: have a very open conversation around expectations, around how you
Speaker 2: feel this is going to play out. I think you
Speaker 2: and your heartner need time to grieve. You need time
Speaker 2: to grieve this idea of the family unit that you
Speaker 2: were going to have. That's not to say that your
Speaker 2: family unit still won't exist, And it doesn't mean yes
Speaker 2: he will either. You know, your friend has his baby
Speaker 2: and he wants to be a part of it. There
Speaker 2: will be co parenting. That doesn't mean that that relationship
Speaker 2: becomes his nuclears family or relationship. He will still go
Speaker 2: on to have a family with you. It just means
Speaker 2: that he will cope parent and your kids will have
Speaker 2: a half brother or sister, which is gonna be a
Speaker 2: weird thing to overcome. But you know what, in time,
Speaker 2: even weird situations become less weird, like they become normal.
Speaker 2: You guys will grow past it. Time really does. And
Speaker 2: it's the dumbest and lamest saying, but it is true.
Speaker 2: Time heals all and in time you can get over
Speaker 2: so many things that you think you're not able to
Speaker 2: get over. But I think in this instance, I would
Speaker 2: be really having conversations around expectations because you never know,
Speaker 2: your friend may not have the expectation that she wants
Speaker 2: him to be a proactive part of this child's life.
Speaker 2: She may want him to be a proactive part. She
Speaker 2: may want him to be you know, a dad who
Speaker 2: contributes financially, Like I think having those conversations, he might
Speaker 2: want to be proactive, Like you just don't know what
Speaker 2: everybody is feeling, what everybody is thinking, and what the
Speaker 2: expectation is to show up to being a parent in
Speaker 2: this situation. And I think the choice to have the
Speaker 2: baby is entirely her choice, but how that baby's parent
Speaker 2: it is not entirely her choice. And so that's something
Speaker 2: that the three of you can come to a decision
Speaker 2: on together. But I do think it is something you
Speaker 2: could work through. But you're going to have to be
Speaker 2: super open minded, and you're going to have to really
Speaker 2: communicate with the people around you who you love and
Speaker 2: respect and who are important to you, because ultimately you
Speaker 2: have to protect your partner as well as yourself and
Speaker 2: your relationship. And it's gonna be the weird, big elephant
Speaker 2: in the room. But also, like, fuck it, you had
Speaker 2: a threesome. It's not like you didn't, no one cheated,
Speaker 2: no one did anything wrong. You had a consensual threesome.
Speaker 2: And I can only imagine how challenging this period of
Speaker 2: life is. But I genuinely think you can get through
Speaker 2: this if this is the person that you've been with
Speaker 2: for six years. You know, I just think you can. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you can work through it.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think that's the most important thing as well
Speaker 1: that I agree with is when it comes out, you
Speaker 1: do need to tell the truth because otherwise it paints well,
Speaker 1: two people in a really bad life, him as a
Speaker 1: cheater and her as a friend that also you know,
Speaker 1: quote unquote fucked your partner.
Speaker 2: So yeah, but also when I say you have to
Speaker 2: tell the truth, you don't owe anyone anything. You don't
Speaker 2: have to over explain it, you don't have to just it.
Speaker 2: You had a threesome, Like, you didn't break any laws.
Speaker 2: You did whatever the fuck you wanted to. You're three
Speaker 2: consenting adults. Yes, your parents might find it a bit
Speaker 2: challenging to understand. But you know what, like at the
Speaker 2: end of the day, people around you will come round
Speaker 2: to these sorts of things and I think, yeah, it's
Speaker 2: reopen as at all. No, but some people will and
Speaker 2: there will be like some guilt and shame attached to it,
Speaker 2: which they shouldn't be.
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally, I'm just saying I think that part isn't
Speaker 1: no brainer for me, is the truth telling, because otherwise
Speaker 1: two people are painted as totally as really bad people
Speaker 1: that weren't so Unfortunately, it's a pill that you might
Speaker 1: have to swallow for a hot second. But in this
Speaker 1: day and age, I mean, everyone's talking about this kind
Speaker 1: of stuff now. It will hit different now to what
Speaker 1: it would have twenty years ago.
Speaker 2: It is an unbelievable situation. I think this is possibly
Speaker 2: the most challenging ask on cup I've ever had. But
Speaker 2: I really do want to reiterate that the big thing here,
Speaker 2: and I think the main part of the responsibility falls
Speaker 2: on the fact that your partner his condom broke and
Speaker 2: he did not communicate that. It is such a like
Speaker 2: I don't even have words for how much of a
Speaker 2: betrayal that is. And the fact that he didn't he
Speaker 2: was too drunk, it didn't occur to him that he
Speaker 2: should have had that communication means that all of those
Speaker 2: discussions that you guys had pre having that threesome, all
Speaker 2: of the conversations around your boundaries, around the way in
Speaker 2: which you were going to engage the respect for each other,
Speaker 2: all of that went out the window. And that really
Speaker 2: changes the basis of which the boundaries were set in
Speaker 2: terms of what was going to be okay and not
Speaker 2: okay in this threesome, I.
Speaker 1: Would love you to write in what happens, and that
Speaker 1: might not be something you want to do, but this
Speaker 1: as an aftermath, I would love to know if you
Speaker 1: can get to a point where you're okay with it
Speaker 1: and you stay in the relationship and you guys move.
Speaker 2: Forward, or if you think you can't yeah, oh oh
Speaker 2: my god, the aftermath of this, and I think like
Speaker 2: the very last thing is go and have some therapy together,
Speaker 2: like you and your couple, the three of you, to
Speaker 2: talk through the complexities of this situation. I think, like,
Speaker 2: don't underestimate the importance of that process. And lastly, take
Speaker 2: it day by day because this is such a big
Speaker 2: and overwhelming decision that you need to make and it
Speaker 2: feels so huge. But like I said, time kind of
Speaker 2: heals things. And as you take one step and then
Speaker 2: one day and you start working through what this looks
Speaker 2: like over the next nine months or however long she
Speaker 2: has that she's pregnant, it may seem like it is
Speaker 2: not so insurmountable when you start to break it down
Speaker 2: into smaller days. That's not to say that it's not
Speaker 2: going to be hard, but like it may feel more manageable. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Far up.
Speaker 1: Question number two, My boyfriend and I have been thinking
Speaker 1: about making a sex tape for ourselves. What's your thoughts
Speaker 1: on this? Have you would you ever make one? I'm
Speaker 1: not sure exactly how to go about it, as.
Speaker 2: I obviously would hate for it to go anywhere else,
Speaker 2: but it would be cool for us both to have
Speaker 2: it to access it. Would love to know your opinion.
Speaker 2: Have you ever made a sex tape? I have not.
Speaker 2: I have not made a sex tape. I have not,
Speaker 2: and I would not. That's my personal why would you not?
Speaker 1: There's part of me that loves the idea of it,
Speaker 1: but I just don't trust it ever, not being leaked,
Speaker 1: not being sent somewhere, not being hacked.
Speaker 2: I just wouldn't trust you. You could have your Kim
Speaker 2: Kardashian moment, that might be the thing that catapults you
Speaker 2: into stardom. I don't reckon that'll catapult me anyway.
Speaker 1: I mean, I got some pretty good maneuvers, but I
Speaker 1: don't think that she's catapulargy.
Speaker 2: I think it's been catapulted once with Kim, and that's it.
Speaker 2: I haven't made a sex I think I've filmed things,
Speaker 2: but not like a sex tape that's sex. I don't know,
Speaker 2: but it was like back in the day, and it
Speaker 2: wasn't even on an iPhone. It was pre iPhone days back.
Speaker 2: What is I record on it? Like a handheld camera?
Speaker 2: Like a whole movie I think I have. I would
Speaker 2: have just been deleted. It would have sat on like
Speaker 2: a memory card somewhere. Yeah, look, I don't see the
Speaker 2: problem with it. I don't think. I think if you're
Speaker 2: in a loving and mutual relationship, and like you're in
Speaker 2: a long term relationship, I wouldn't be doing it with
Speaker 2: someone who I've just freshly started dating. But if you're
Speaker 2: in a long term relationship with someone and you want
Speaker 2: to do it, and then you're gonna watch it together
Speaker 2: and that's gonna get you off, I don't think there's
Speaker 2: any problems with it. And I also don't think that
Speaker 2: it's necessarily unsafe. If you do it in a safe
Speaker 2: way with someone who you trust, it's just you've got
Speaker 2: to keep it somewhere where nobody is going to accidentally,
Speaker 2: you know, share it on on like an air drop
Speaker 2: or something.
Speaker 1: I disagree because I've been in relationships where I completely
Speaker 1: trust people and I don't haven't known them right, and
Speaker 1: that is something I want people to consider.
Speaker 2: There is absolutely nothing wrong with a sex tape. Film
Speaker 2: what you want with your partnership.
Speaker 1: The only thing I would say is anything you ever
Speaker 1: film or shoot, there is a possibility statistically that it
Speaker 1: could go somewhere. Whether you accidentally put that on a
Speaker 1: laptop that goes somewhere, whether somebody hacks you, whether it's
Speaker 1: it's leaked, intentional, whatever, it's going to be a possibility.
Speaker 1: So I guess one thing you could say is, you know,
Speaker 1: if it feels more comfortable. An option is to say
Speaker 1: to your partner, like, I want to do this, but
Speaker 1: if we do this, I want to take control of
Speaker 1: the tape because he also has to consent, right, because
Speaker 1: he could also be worried it's going to be leaked.
Speaker 1: You could say I want it to be on my
Speaker 1: phone if that's okay, and I don't want it to
Speaker 1: store it anywhere else. I want to only be watching
Speaker 1: it together. Like I think it's like anything, you still
Speaker 1: have to have scent and boundaries, no faces up to
Speaker 1: whatever you guys are happy with, no faces?
Speaker 2: Who has it? Where it's stored? Is it in one
Speaker 2: of these calculator lockboxings, What are the angles? How do
Speaker 2: you feel comfortable? What do you want to do? What
Speaker 2: don't you want to do? What is an off limits?
Speaker 2: Do you then put it in splice and edit it?
Speaker 2: Like what do you do with it? Like? Do you
Speaker 2: do you just film it from start to finish and
Speaker 2: that's your sex tape? Or do you like edit it
Speaker 2: put a filter over it? Also, if you're putting it
Speaker 2: in an editing app, just just know that the people
Speaker 2: who own the editing app have access to everything that
Speaker 2: you edit within that app. I've just realized I need
Speaker 2: to go through my edit in it that. I also
Speaker 2: think be conservative and don't go beyond where your boundaries lie.
Speaker 2: And sometimes it's very easy to do that because you
Speaker 2: would impress your partner or you want to perform, or
Speaker 2: we can kind of like step outside where we feel
Speaker 2: comfortable because we don't want to disappoint someone else. And
Speaker 2: I think that this is a very big conversation just
Speaker 2: before you do it. So therefore you know exactly what
Speaker 2: you do and don't feel comfortable with. So that way,
Speaker 2: if you know something is being filmed that you've said
Speaker 2: you didn't want, you can easily say, oh, you know,
Speaker 2: we just spoke about this. I don't want this on film,
Speaker 2: but I also think the world's changing. I don't I mean,
Speaker 2: and when I say this, I mean I don't think
Speaker 2: that there is as anywhere near as much shame and
Speaker 2: stigma around it.
Speaker 1: So again, go hellful weather, wear leather, do whatever you want,
Speaker 1: but just have those conversations and just be aware of
Speaker 1: where it could end up. My point is, if something
Speaker 1: has physically been made, it can go somewhere.
Speaker 2: That's something to keep in mind. It's not about who
Speaker 2: where why. If it's out in the stratosphere and it's
Speaker 2: out in the intwebs and it's on a storage somewhere
Speaker 2: and it can be uploaded to an iCloud, or.
Speaker 1: It can be shared or whatever, there's the option. So
Speaker 1: it's just something to one hundred percent keep in mind.
Speaker 1: Having said that, fucking go for it if that's.
Speaker 2: What you want. Last question, all right, Question number three.
Speaker 2: I have been with my partner for three years. We
Speaker 2: own a house together and are engaged. Since February, I
Speaker 2: have been feeling unsure if I want the relationship. Everything
Speaker 2: on paper seems good, but I am just not physically
Speaker 2: attracted to him. Barund Barrel. I even sometimes feel embarrassed
Speaker 2: that I'm with him. Oh, that's awful, And on the
Speaker 2: other hand, we get along really well. I also feel
Speaker 2: secure and have a lot of trust in this relationship.
Speaker 2: I have never had this before. He adores me so much,
Speaker 2: and I honestly enjoy his company. I love the life
Speaker 2: that we've built together so far. But I also find
Speaker 2: my eyes wandering, no action, just wandering. I do, however,
Speaker 2: feel that maybe I have settled for a nice guy,
Speaker 2: but maybe not someone I'm crazy about out of fear,
Speaker 2: who knows any advice on figuring out how to know
Speaker 2: if you were with the right person would be amazing?
Speaker 2: Is there more to love than looking at your partner
Speaker 2: and thinking, damn.
Speaker 1: Oh, one part breaks my heart. I feel embarrassed that
Speaker 1: I'm with him. That's really mean, that's really really horrible.
Speaker 1: If you're only feeling embarrassed because you feel like he
Speaker 1: doesn't look the way he should look. Breaks my heart
Speaker 1: for him because he sounds like everything else is amazing
Speaker 1: and you've been with him for three years, like this
Speaker 1: is a good guy that loves you. Obviously you love.
Speaker 2: Him, he wouldn't be with him, But that doesn't make
Speaker 2: you a bad person. If you're not attracted to your partner.
Speaker 2: I just think you have to be honest with yourself.
Speaker 2: Like if you are walking down the street and you
Speaker 2: are feeling embarrassed that you were in a relationship with someone, yes,
Speaker 2: it may be super I'm not saying that these are
Speaker 2: good feelings. But what I'm saying is is that you
Speaker 2: can justify to the cows come home all the reasons
Speaker 2: why you should be with someone. But if you feel
Speaker 2: that way, if you feel embarrassed, if you feel not
Speaker 2: attracted to that person at all, then I don't think
Speaker 2: that all the other reasons are enough. Like if you're
Speaker 2: googling should I be with this person? If you're asking
Speaker 2: questions like is there more than this? I would say
Speaker 2: that this is not your person and you are trying
Speaker 2: to fit a square into a circle.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I want to say the same thing I want
Speaker 1: to say. If you say to yourself, I feel like
Speaker 1: I've settled, you've settled, well, then you've probably settled, and
Speaker 1: that you know, we can be with the most amazing
Speaker 1: person that ticks every box and they're not our person.
Speaker 1: They can treat you amazingly, they can love you, they
Speaker 1: can be everything you want, even attractiveness wise, and they're not.
Speaker 2: Your person totally.
Speaker 1: The other thing I will say, conversely, is that looks
Speaker 1: aren't forever, and looks do fade and attraction does change.
Speaker 1: In long term relationships, the attraction you're going to have
Speaker 1: after ten years will be different in some capacity to
Speaker 1: what it was at the start. There's a difference between
Speaker 1: like unattracted and having the ick and just nothing just plateau,
Speaker 1: like you know, I love everything about you, my partner.
Speaker 1: I don't get wet when I look at you straight away,
Speaker 1: but like I still want.
Speaker 2: To anyone care wet straight away. Yeah, that's because you're
Speaker 2: doing long distance.
Speaker 1: But my point is if you're actually getting the ick
Speaker 1: and it's turning you off and you're that unattracted to him,
Speaker 1: then maybe he isn't your person.
Speaker 2: But it's not just the looks.
Speaker 1: For me, it's the idea that you were saying you're
Speaker 1: embarrassed and you're saying you think you're settling. They're two
Speaker 1: big red flags in a relationship for me.
Speaker 2: Oh, like, they're beyond red flags. Like for me, there's
Speaker 2: no coming back from that feeling like and I say
Speaker 2: this not because I'm like, oh, you need to do
Speaker 2: this for you, you also need to do this for him.
Speaker 2: There's no convincing yourself, Oh, maybe actually be in this
Speaker 2: relationship because he's a nice person. If your partner knew
Speaker 2: that you were embarrassed to be in a relationship with them,
Speaker 2: how hurtful that would be. Like I couldn't think of
Speaker 2: any I mean, I could think of things at a worse,
Speaker 2: but like, that would be so incredibly hurtful. And I
Speaker 2: don't think that we should be in any relationships where
Speaker 2: we're willing ourselves to like the other person, to love
Speaker 2: the other person just because on paper their qualities are great.
Speaker 2: And look, it might be that on paper his qualities
Speaker 2: are amazing, and you may struggle to find somebody else
Speaker 2: who on paper has all the qualities that he has.
Speaker 2: You know, it's not like you're going to just break
Speaker 2: up and then instantly start dating someone else. You might,
Speaker 2: you might not. It might take you a long time.
Speaker 2: But sometimes we can find ourselves in relationships where we
Speaker 2: know the person is a great person and we can't
Speaker 2: find enough reasons to leave. It's like we want them
Speaker 2: to do something bad, we want them to love us less.
Speaker 2: We want them to do something which would then warrant
Speaker 2: this feeling of it's not quite enough, but he's so
Speaker 2: good to you, he's never going to do it. And
Speaker 2: but the thing is is that sometimes relationships are just
Speaker 2: not right, and sometimes the person is just not the
Speaker 2: right person for you without having all of the other
Speaker 2: things that go along with it, without having the big
Speaker 2: red warning sign, it's just a feeling. And sometimes that
Speaker 2: feeling is enough to not be with a person, and
Speaker 2: you don't need someone to tell you that it's okay
Speaker 2: to leave a relationship. I myself have been in a
Speaker 2: long term relationship where the guy was perfect. It didn't
Speaker 2: come down to looks. But I didn't feel it anymore,
Speaker 2: and hadn't for a really long time. But I knew
Speaker 2: he was amazing, and I knew he was an amazing boyfriend,
Speaker 2: and I wanted so much to be in a relationship
Speaker 2: with him because I loved the life that we had together.
Speaker 2: I loved our apartment, I loved our cat, I loved
Speaker 2: our everything that we had. I loved. But I didn't
Speaker 2: feel the way I should have felt about him, and
Speaker 2: so I hung on for so long because I was
Speaker 2: hoping so deeply that my feelings would change, because I
Speaker 2: wanted them to change, because he was such a fucking
Speaker 2: great guy. But the reality is sometimes just being a
Speaker 2: great person is not enough of a romantic match. And
Speaker 2: I guess, like, just coming back to those two things
Speaker 2: you said that you're embarrassed and that you feel like
Speaker 2: you're settling for me, that's it. This is a relationship
Speaker 2: you shouldn't be in.
Speaker 1: There's also the sunk cost fallacy. You've been within three
Speaker 1: years kind of you've bought a house together, you're engaged,
Speaker 1: like you feel like a lot of people, I'm not
Speaker 1: putting words in your mouth, but a lot of people
Speaker 1: in this situation feel like they've invested too much. It's
Speaker 1: too late to go back. You know, we've got the mortgage,
Speaker 1: three years of my time. We're taking that next step
Speaker 1: with the house.
Speaker 2: Like you're on the tradmill. You want it to keep
Speaker 2: moving forward because you want to start again from scratch.
Speaker 1: It makes sense, right, and you probably know you want
Speaker 1: kids or you're thinking, you know, you've fantasized and talked
Speaker 1: about and planned out what your life looks like.
Speaker 2: It's really hard to get out of that. It's really hard.
Speaker 1: And I say hard is in not physically like anyone
Speaker 1: can sell a house right The mortgage isn't going to
Speaker 1: tie you together forever. You're not yet married. I get, yes,
Speaker 1: you're engaged, you've got a ring, you know, but you
Speaker 1: can get out of that. It's mentally really hard to
Speaker 1: get out of that. It's mentally hard to start again
Speaker 1: to mourn what you imagined your life would have been,
Speaker 1: the fairy tale, the safety, the security of a partnership.
Speaker 2: It's really fucking hard.
Speaker 1: Also, three years of your life at any age, it's
Speaker 1: really hard to get around the fact that three years
Speaker 1: of your life has been wasted. Quote unquote. It's not
Speaker 1: wasted at all, It is absolutely not. What will be
Speaker 1: wasted is if you stay in this relationship for twenty
Speaker 1: five years when you know you should have left twenty
Speaker 1: five years ago.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I know that there's another way that we
Speaker 2: can unpack this, Like we can definitely take the route
Speaker 2: of saying you're superficial and kind of pointing fingers. And
Speaker 2: I do think it is superficial to look at your
Speaker 2: partner and go, well, I'm embarrassed because of the way
Speaker 2: you look. It is so deeply superficial. It's proper cooked.
Speaker 2: It is, it really is. But that doesn't negate the
Speaker 2: fact that that is how you feel, and if that
Speaker 2: is how you feel, then it's a relationship you shouldn't
Speaker 2: be in because you should be so especially being engaged,
Speaker 2: like engage your honeymoon period, girlfriend, Like you should be
Speaker 2: so proud of the person that is standing next to you,
Speaker 2: and that is I think a prerequisite for being in
Speaker 2: a long term relationship, for like getting ready to walk
Speaker 2: down the aisle, if nothing else. You should be able
Speaker 2: to stand up on your wedding day and say I
Speaker 2: am so proud of the person that I marrying, and
Speaker 2: that I'm so proud to be marrying them, not to
Speaker 2: be saying I'm so embarrassed by them. It's just it's
Speaker 2: so deeply flawed. And I don't think that if that's
Speaker 2: the type of wording that you're using about your partner,
Speaker 2: that it's something that's going to be easy for you
Speaker 2: to overcome. But I do think you're going to have
Speaker 2: to do quite a bit of work to get yourself
Speaker 2: to a place where you feel as though you can
Speaker 2: walk away from the relationship, because when everything when all
Speaker 2: the other boxes are ticked, it's so hard. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: I want to reiterate as well, I said it earlier,
Speaker 2: but looks they really aren't everything. Like one day we're
Speaker 2: all going to be hopefully we have the privilege of
Speaker 2: being old and wrinkly and saggy, and the way someone
Speaker 2: treats you and their personality and their humor is so
Speaker 2: much more important. Yeah, but I think she knows that,
Speaker 2: and that's why she's grappling with this. That's why she's like,
Speaker 2: I know he's great, I just am not attracted to him,
Speaker 2: so sure, like what can I do to overcome this feeling?
Speaker 2: But the thing is is if you've tried all the things,
Speaker 2: if you've tried all the things, if you've you know,
Speaker 2: invested in the relationship because you recognize he's a great guy,
Speaker 2: but you're still not attracted, still have the ick, you
Speaker 2: still don't want to be physically intimate with him because
Speaker 2: you know that we just know she's not attracted. Well,
Speaker 2: you know, it's pretty leaning into it. I would say
Speaker 2: that if you've tried all the things, then you can't
Speaker 2: deny what's screaming at you, and that's that this relationship
Speaker 2: doesn't feel right, even if you can't put your finger
Speaker 2: on the exact reason why you are being told something,
Speaker 2: and that is that your guys are not compatible for whatever.
Speaker 2: That is also the last thing.
Speaker 1: You've been feeling unsure if you want the relationship since February,
Speaker 1: so it's now November, so long it's yeah, this is
Speaker 1: not four weeks. This is coming close to ten months,
Speaker 1: like the better part of a year. I think you
Speaker 1: need to exit stage left before you lock it down
Speaker 1: into the wedding.
Speaker 2: Sorry, after math ten it's enough math. If you feel
Speaker 2: like this before getting married, this will end in divorce totally.
Speaker 2: I very strongly feel like that. Okay. Anyway, guys, that
Speaker 2: is it from us. If you have a question for
Speaker 2: asking cut, please slide on into the DMS. Every single
Speaker 2: one of these ones were very spicy. Yeah, they were hard,
Speaker 2: very tricky. So the threesome one fun. It's gonna give
Speaker 2: me nightmares. You guys know the trill.
Speaker 1: So your mum, te, dad, te, don't tee friends and
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