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Speaker 1: The last big episode of Parental Guidance Season three, Episode

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Speaker 1: four hit the screens last night. Hopefully you're able to

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Speaker 1: watch it. Really important conversation around mental health issues to

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Speaker 1: do with our children, young people, but even ourselves. There

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Speaker 1: was so much in this Hello, Welcome to the Happy

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Speaker 1: Families Podcast, Real parenting Solutions every Day. This is Australia's

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Speaker 1: most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie,

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Speaker 1: so much to talk about. We're going to tackle a

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Speaker 1: couple of the big topics from last night across this

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Speaker 1: week on the podcast. Let's just do a quick catch

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Speaker 1: up on who our parents are.

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Speaker 2: Josh and Cassie we are the life school parents. We

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Speaker 2: live in our caravan.

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Speaker 1: We learned from real life experiences while giving our kids freedom.

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Speaker 2: Nick and Sophia we're the positivity parents, where confidence is key.

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Speaker 3: Elvi and Sean the idea authoritative parents.

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Speaker 1: We have high expectations children were set to strict rules

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Speaker 1: and boundaries and.

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Speaker 4: Mandarin has Son.

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Speaker 3: We are the hard way parents.

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Speaker 1: We do things the hard way, no shortcuts. It's hard

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Speaker 1: on us, but grateful the kids. So our brand new

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Speaker 1: week and we've turned our attention to mental health how

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Speaker 1: camparents lay a strong foundation for good mental health for

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Speaker 1: their children. Right now, mental health issues among kids and

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Speaker 1: young adults are at an all time high. Australia is

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Speaker 1: in the middle of a mental health crisis, particularly for

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Speaker 1: young people, with stress, anxiety, depression and self harm all

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Speaker 1: on the rise. As parents, the strongest defense is helping

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Speaker 1: kids build emotional well being, connections and resilience. And Kylie,

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Speaker 1: this is what our first challenge was.

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Speaker 4: We gave them a realistic toddler doll to look after.

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Speaker 4: Do they know how to be nurturing towards the baby?

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Speaker 4: How to meet its needs? So what have your kids

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Speaker 4: picked up from you? The role models in their life?

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Speaker 5: How do you really parent?

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Speaker 4: To find out give your children a chance to act

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Speaker 4: as parents.

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Speaker 3: The new baby is waiting? Are you ready? Why don't

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Speaker 3: stop crying?

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Speaker 1: Why if they live it here? And just way to

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Speaker 1: stop crying?

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Speaker 3: We did implement cry out approach really strictly.

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Speaker 2: Twelve month of cry out approach.

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Speaker 3: Even though Stacey cry really loud up to an hour,

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Speaker 3: we still pretend not hearing that.

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Speaker 1: Where I know I have had for you?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that's right.

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Speaker 5: For you.

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Speaker 1: So Carli, first off, let's talk about the authoritative parents

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Speaker 1: and how they've responded to having this screaming, annoying little doll.

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Speaker 1: It makes a lot of noise. But what did you

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Speaker 1: identify as you were watching that?

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Speaker 5: I think Elvie has made no apologies for the kind

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Speaker 5: of mother that she is, and she's acknowledged that compliments

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Speaker 5: and nurturing don't come naturally to her.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, really high expectations, quite strict.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, and as a result, I wasn't surprised at all

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Speaker 5: to see the way the girls responded to the doll.

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Speaker 5: I firstly, don't think they actually took the challenge seriously,

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Speaker 5: I would agree at all, and so I think it's

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Speaker 5: probably a little bit unfair to judge them entirely based

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Speaker 5: on their unwillingness to engage in the activity.

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Speaker 1: Yep, completely agree.

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Speaker 5: But it was pretty hard to watch to just, you know,

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Speaker 5: hear them making fun of the baby while the baby

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Speaker 5: was crying and suggesting that they were just going to

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Speaker 5: leave the baby until it cried it out. As a mum, obviously,

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Speaker 5: my heart's kind of aching a little bit knowing that

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Speaker 5: a baby cries for a reason, and our job is

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Speaker 5: a parent, the nurturer, the care is to find out

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Speaker 5: what's wrong.

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Speaker 1: So on the TV show, I had to be very

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Speaker 1: careful about what I said around things like crying it out.

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Speaker 1: But let me be a little bit more direct here

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Speaker 1: on the pod. I feel like we can say stuff

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Speaker 1: on the pod that we probably wouldn't say on national TV.

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Speaker 1: I don't know why it's different, because we've got a

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Speaker 1: lot of people who listen to the pod as well.

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Speaker 1: So I'll be really really direct about this. Number One,

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Speaker 1: the evidence around crying it out is challenging. There's some

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Speaker 1: evidence I think that's reasonable that says that it's better

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Speaker 1: if you don't do it, but overwhelmingly it's really hard

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Speaker 1: to find evidence one way or the other. The real

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Speaker 1: issue is that as parents, we hate it. It absolutely sucks.

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Speaker 1: The other thing that I did say on the show,

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Speaker 1: and I was really clear about this, is if your

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Speaker 1: child is under the age of six months, you should never, absolutely, ever,

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Speaker 1: under no circumstances should you be using a cry it

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Speaker 1: out method. I did say in the room, and they

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Speaker 1: didn't quite have the chance to elaborate on it because

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Speaker 1: of timing in the show. But there is going to

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Speaker 1: be an argument for cright out if your well being

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Speaker 1: is suffering, like if you've got post another depression. If

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Speaker 1: you are not coping, if you're stress and anxiety levels

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Speaker 1: through the roof. Sometimes you just need to get enough

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Speaker 1: sleep and that might mean using that technique. Personally, I

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Speaker 1: don't like it. I'm generally opposed to it except in

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Speaker 1: the rarest of circumstances. But these kids that's their go to,

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Speaker 1: And I think it's because I've got parents who are

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Speaker 1: fairly strict. It's like, stop it, or there's no iPad,

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Speaker 1: that kind of thing, right, Number one, don't give a

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Speaker 1: baby an iPad. But number two, kids learn what they

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Speaker 1: live and if you live with threats, and if you

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Speaker 1: live with assertive, power centric comments, then you will learn

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Speaker 1: that and mimic that. And that's what we saw there

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Speaker 1: and it's definitely worth the conversation. However, what we really

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Speaker 1: need to talk about is what happened with the positivity parents.

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Speaker 3: Who was mummy? Who was daddy? Your mom?

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Speaker 2: Dad is changing?

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Speaker 3: Bonnie?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, don't you think mom should have done most of

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Speaker 2: the work.

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Speaker 3: Who dresses you in the morning, he addresses you for dance?

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Speaker 2: Who dresses you when you finish dance?

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Speaker 1: Like?

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Speaker 2: The only time dad dresses you is maybe if he

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Speaker 2: gives you a shower.

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Speaker 5: We got that and.

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Speaker 4: Like dad does, and then.

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Speaker 2: I address you all the time.

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Speaker 3: Dad dresses us at night, and it was.

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Speaker 5: I don't think you do.

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Speaker 4: Are you just like competing though, like with like who

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Speaker 4: cares who's doing it?

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Speaker 2: It's got nothing to do with competition. It's got to

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Speaker 2: do with I'm taking care of my child. And I

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Speaker 2: hope she knows that. I just wanted her to be truthful.

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Speaker 4: Was that about accuracy or is it more about you

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Speaker 4: needing validation?

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Speaker 3: Part of me was like, she honestly doesn't think Dad

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Speaker 3: is the one dressing I'm with them twenty four hours

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Speaker 3: a day, raising a human that I want to be

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Speaker 3: truthful and honest.

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Speaker 5: Oh this was hard to watch, and you really hit

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Speaker 5: the mark when you suggested to Sophia that she actually

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Speaker 5: wasn't as interested about her child being honest and truthful

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Speaker 5: from her own perspective. She needed the validation that she

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Speaker 5: was doing everything.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I mean, there's the truth and then there's how you

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Speaker 1: see it and how I see it. And some people

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Speaker 1: are closer to the truth higher levels of self awareness,

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Speaker 1: some people have lower levels of self awareness. We actually

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Speaker 1: had another intervention, you know how last week I went

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Speaker 1: out with the life school parents and we had a

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Speaker 1: conversation about reading and their children's literacy. Well, we also

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Speaker 1: had another conversation about this topic with Nick and Sophia. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: again because of timing, we just couldn't quite squeeze it

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Speaker 1: in and it didn't work with everywhere else the show

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Speaker 1: is going. But this idea of self awareness, the willingness

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Speaker 1: to hear another person's perspective and recognize that from their perspective,

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Speaker 1: they're probably right, and to be humble enough to recognize

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Speaker 1: that sometimes our perspectives are seen through our own filters.

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Speaker 1: It's just so important. If there was one gift that

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Speaker 1: I could give every single person on the planet, it

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Speaker 1: would be the gift of self awareness. That might be

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Speaker 1: catastrophic and devastating for some people to discover where they're

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Speaker 1: really at. But as a parent, it's so important that

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Speaker 1: we can see how we are responding to our children,

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Speaker 1: that we can have that mirror held up to us

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Speaker 1: and have that level of self awareness.

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Speaker 5: I think that the challenge we have as parents is

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Speaker 5: we know how much effort we're putting in, we know

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Speaker 5: how much we're sacrificing, we know how much we're giving

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Speaker 5: up for our children, and when our children don't recognize that.

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Speaker 5: It's like a sucker punch to your heart. It's so

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Speaker 5: hard to be giving all day, every day and not

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Speaker 5: have anyone notice what's going on.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's that conversation that I had in the room, right,

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Speaker 1: that was that conversation around as a parent, I actually

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Speaker 1: believe this. Your role as a parent is to give

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Speaker 1: and given, given, given, given, not get anything in return.

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Speaker 1: It's an unfair relationship. It's completely unequal relationship. It always

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Speaker 1: has been and it always will be. That's the nature

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Speaker 1: of parenting. And when you start demanding appreciation, when you

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Speaker 1: start demanding some sort of equal input, you just end

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Speaker 1: up being frustrated and disappointed and feeling like being a

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Speaker 1: parent's the worst job ever.

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Speaker 5: But I don't think our children should know how much

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Speaker 5: we give up for them.

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Speaker 1: They can't know. That's the point that I made in

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Speaker 1: the room. They actually can't know.

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Speaker 5: But I don't think it's fair to want them to know,

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Speaker 5: Like would you ever want them to know, like the

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Speaker 5: challenge and the hardship that you go through for them,

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Speaker 5: Like I don't want my child ever carrying that weight.

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Speaker 5: I want. All I want them to know is that

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Speaker 5: everything I did was in the name of love.

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Speaker 1: Wouldn't mind if they did the dishes now and then.

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Speaker 5: That would be nice.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's the key point, and I'm really glad

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Speaker 1: to raise that. All right after break a little bit

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Speaker 1: more to talk about that came from the Positivity parents.

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Speaker 1: One thing to consider in your relationship is clarity around

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Speaker 1: roles and responsibilities. And that's what I would pick up

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Speaker 1: on now in terms of the challenge that the Positivity Parents'

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Speaker 1: kids got involved in. So in our case and seemingly

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Speaker 1: mostly in theirs as well, it's the more traditional model.

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Speaker 1: But to me, the most important point that I want

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Speaker 1: to make here is that having good communication around how

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Speaker 1: the household functions, that's the critical point.

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Speaker 2: As positive parents, we definitely do fall into a traditional

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Speaker 2: family role.

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Speaker 3: I stay at home.

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Speaker 2: I do all the things that you know mum does,

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Speaker 2: Guy cook, Kai clean, I shoup. I take care of

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Speaker 2: the kids. I take them absolutely everywhere.

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Speaker 1: I take care of Nick.

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Speaker 2: It is a traditional role. And then again it's not

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Speaker 2: because he'll then load the dishwasher.

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Speaker 5: Hey, I'm not not feeding her mother, here, go wash

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Speaker 5: the dishes. No, you wash the dishes. The dad always

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Speaker 5: washed the We have regular conversations with our children about

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Speaker 5: when these kinds of conversations need to take place. It's

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Speaker 5: not once you're living together. No, No, that is way

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Speaker 5: too late. We actually encourage our kids to start having

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Speaker 5: those kinds of conversations the division of responsibility while they're dating.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, like not on the first date, but as you

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Speaker 1: start to get into a more serious relationships, like so,

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Speaker 1: who's going to work? And how are they going to work?

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Speaker 1: And what if we both want to work?

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Speaker 5: And what if I don't want to work? Or what

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Speaker 5: if I want to stay home and look after the children.

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Speaker 5: Do you have a problem with that? And who's going

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Speaker 5: to take out the rubbish and who's going to mow

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Speaker 5: the lawn? Like it seems like like trivial conversations until

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Speaker 5: you're living it and you recognize that you are not aligned.

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Speaker 1: So something that I've written about in quite a lot

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Speaker 1: of detail in my upcoming Boys book is that we

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Speaker 1: encourage our daughters to look for the chair stackers. And

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Speaker 1: what we mean by that is it's pretty well recognized

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Speaker 1: and acknowledged, And we talked about this a lot of

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Speaker 1: the podcast that as a general rule, the emotional load

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Speaker 1: and the cognitive load is carried primarily by mum in

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Speaker 1: the household is often unseen, and much of it you

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Speaker 1: can't put on a to do list. And so our

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Speaker 1: conversation with our girls is look for the chair stackers.

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Speaker 1: That is, at the end of the night, when the

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Speaker 1: event's over, who's stacking the chairs. Because the guys that

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Speaker 1: sign up to stack the chairs, the guys that see

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Speaker 1: the need and fulfill it, the guys that provide a bonus,

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Speaker 1: extra value. They're the guys you want to look out

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Speaker 1: for because when you end up in a long term relationship,

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Speaker 1: when you get married, you want the guy who's the

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Speaker 1: chair stacker. You want the guy who doesn't need to

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Speaker 1: be asked what to do. You want the guy who

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Speaker 1: sees that there's a need and he goes and satisfies it. Oh,

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Speaker 1: it looks like my wife is working late tonight. I

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Speaker 1: better go and get on with dinner. I don't need

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Speaker 1: to ask what is going to be for dinner. I'm

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Speaker 1: just going to go and make the decision because I'm

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Speaker 1: capable of doing it. I've got a brain in my

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Speaker 1: head and I can do that stuff. Look for the

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Speaker 1: chair stackers.

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Speaker 5: I'm really glad you shared that. I think too often

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Speaker 5: couples go into a relationship thinking that fifty to fifty

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Speaker 5: and even split is the way to go. And the

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Speaker 5: challenge with that is if I'm doing what I consider

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Speaker 5: my fifty percent, but the other person isn't, why would

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Speaker 5: I want to pick up their load because I'm already

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Speaker 5: doing my full amount?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I don't think scorecards work in marriage. There

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Speaker 1: has to be You can't have a passenger parent, somebody

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Speaker 1: who's literally along for the ride like that. That's unfair.

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Speaker 1: But if you're both working as a team, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I believe in the one hundred hundred marriage right behind.

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Speaker 5: Well, sometimes I give one hundred and twenty percent, other

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Speaker 5: times it's you. I think about a team, right and

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Speaker 5: if one of our players breaks leg he's on the sideline,

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Speaker 5: does that mean he's not part of the team anymore?

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Speaker 5: Does that mean he's not pulling his weight? The team

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Speaker 5: rally around him in spite of the fact that he's

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Speaker 5: not there. They fill in the gap until he's able

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Speaker 5: to get back on track.

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Speaker 1: And they don't look at the poor guy and get

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Speaker 1: all resentful and say, oh, for goodness sakes, just get

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Speaker 1: up and do it anyway, Like there's a willingness to

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Speaker 1: work as a team I guess is at the heart

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Speaker 1: of it ches Stackers. I mean, this was a really

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Speaker 1: interesting conversation. I was absorbed by what happened in this challenge.

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Speaker 1: It seemed like it was fairly basic stuff, looking after

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Speaker 1: a doll, how much you're really going to learn. I

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Speaker 1: know that they don't all take it seriously, but it

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Speaker 1: led to some really fascinating conversations. Speaking of there was

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Speaker 1: one more family our life school parents, the family of

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Speaker 1: five boys. They were pretty rambunctious, and I don't know

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Speaker 1: that they took it extremely seriously. It looked like they

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Speaker 1: were having just a lot of fun with this particular challenge.

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Speaker 1: But the conversation that happened after they did the challenge,

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Speaker 1: that's when this happened. And I'm really anti that boys

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Speaker 1: will be boys.

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Speaker 5: Okay.

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Speaker 4: It really does stereotype type of behavior that is not okay.

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Speaker 1: That's tomorrow on the Happy Families podcast, which is produced

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Speaker 1: by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. We really appreciate Craig Bruce,

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Speaker 1: our executive producer for this parental guidance series, and Mimahammond,

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Speaker 1: who provides additional support and admin. The Happy Families podcasts

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Speaker 1: will be back tomorrow If you'd like more information and

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Speaker 1: more resource to make your family happier, you can visit

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Speaker 1: us at Happy families dot com. Do AU