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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now.

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Speaker 2: The importance of an explanation, whether it's choosing a movie

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Speaker 2: and understanding rocken Tomatoes or whether it's talking about the

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Speaker 2: needles sleep. The power of a clear rationale that kids

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Speaker 2: can get their head around when they're not too emotional,

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Speaker 2: can be profound.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show. My mum

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Speaker 1: and Dad.

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Speaker 2: Fridays are my favorites. On the Happy Families podcast, we

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Speaker 2: talk about the things that are going well in our family,

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Speaker 2: and we get a bit introspective about things that maybe

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Speaker 2: aren't going so well. This is our chance to be

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Speaker 2: intentional parents, reflect on the week that was, and try

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Speaker 2: our hardest to be better tomorrow. It's called I'll do

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Speaker 2: Better Tomorrow. I'm justin. I'm here with Kylie. We are

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Speaker 2: the parents of six kids, and I'm the founder of

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Speaker 2: Happy Families dot Com. Dol Au Kylie, Today, I would

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Speaker 2: love to hear what you've got to talk about.

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Speaker 3: One of the things I absolutely loved about Parental Guidance,

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Speaker 3: the TV show.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, the show that I'm the co host of and

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Speaker 2: the parenting expert on. Thanks so much for mentioning it.

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Speaker 2: It's available now on Channel nine's app nine Now.

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Speaker 1: Was just the way.

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Speaker 3: It the way to voked ideas and thoughts around the

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Speaker 3: kinds of conversations I wanted to have with my kids.

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Speaker 2: With our kids, they're ours, please, they are our children,

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Speaker 2: all of them, all six and so.

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Speaker 3: Over the last little while, when I have found myself

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Speaker 3: in the privacy of the car with just one child,

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Speaker 3: I've just started having little conversations with them, just tapping

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Speaker 3: in and seeing where things are at. And the other

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Speaker 3: day I was driving to Brisbane with one of the

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Speaker 3: girls and I said, I've been having some thoughts around

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Speaker 3: Internet safety and you know, the kinds of things that

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Speaker 3: kids in general are being exposed to.

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Speaker 2: Oh, can we play the bit from parental guidance? Go

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Speaker 2: for it? She says, her name's Pepper.

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Speaker 3: That's information she shouldn't be giving out.

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Speaker 1: She's taught me something I've already ask if she knows

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Speaker 1: the local shopping center. She says she does.

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Speaker 2: Okay, keep building the relationship.

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Speaker 3: See if she'd like to meet you at the shopping center.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, she said yes.

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Speaker 2: Watching that really rattled me. Oh even hearing it now,

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Speaker 2: it still does it to me. It's so powerful, And.

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Speaker 3: There's a part of me that thinks that because of

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Speaker 3: what you do for a job and the fact that

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Speaker 3: we've had these conversations with our kids.

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Speaker 2: Ongoing, that they're safe.

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Speaker 3: But obviously, friendal guidance just highlighted you can have all

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Speaker 3: the conversations you want and your children still find themselves

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Speaker 3: in these really tricky situations. And so I just said,

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Speaker 3: are you open to having a really open conversation about

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Speaker 3: what's going on and what you've experienced, and she said, yeah, sure,

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Speaker 3: I'll do about it tomorrow, might just before.

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Speaker 2: Big years bigs. Are you insulting me?

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Speaker 3: No, it's probably not for little children, not for little ears.

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Speaker 2: Just big is what do I do if I'm thirty

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Speaker 2: eight years old and I've just got really little ears?

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Speaker 2: Can I still listen? It's okay, So what you're saying

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Speaker 2: is we're about to discuss some themes that may not

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Speaker 2: be for young children or for kids in general, teenagers

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Speaker 2: and above. Yeah, okay, let's hear it.

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Speaker 3: In spite of the fact that I know what needs

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Speaker 3: to be said, I'm still sitting there feeling a little

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Speaker 3: bit uncomfortable about asking the questions I'm about to ask her.

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Speaker 2: You kind of get tongue tied even if you've planned

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Speaker 2: it out in your head, don't you.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. I actually was sitting there for about two or

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Speaker 3: three minutes, kind of mulling over these questions that kept

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Speaker 3: popping up in my head, but was too scared to

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Speaker 3: ask them right until finally I just what am I

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Speaker 3: scared of?

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Speaker 2: You know what you're scared of? You're scared of actually

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Speaker 2: finding out the answer and discovering an answer that you

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Speaker 2: don't want to hear.

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Speaker 3: Maybe, maybe, anyway.

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Speaker 2: That's what I'd be afraid of.

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Speaker 3: Anyway, I just decided to ask, So I asked her

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Speaker 3: if she'd ever been exposed to pornography. She acknowledged that

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Speaker 3: one day she was scrolling and a couple of actors

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Speaker 3: that she really liked had been kind of it sounds

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Speaker 3: like artificially kind of simulated into a very passionate scene, so.

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Speaker 2: She didn't believe it was.

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Speaker 3: Originally she thought it was like a promotion for a

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Speaker 3: movie or something, but realized quickly that it wasn't, and

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Speaker 3: so she just scrolled past it. But outside of that,

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Speaker 3: her friends haven't shown her anything particularly explicit. She's acknowledged

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Speaker 3: that when her friends and her get together. They're not

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Speaker 3: actually on their phones, they're having conversations.

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Speaker 2: What you're saying is fairly consistent with what we think research, well,

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Speaker 2: research is telling us, and we hope that it's indicative

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Speaker 2: of what's happening in the real world, and that is

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Speaker 2: that we're talking about teenage girls here much less likely

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Speaker 2: to be exposed to and actively investigating explicit content.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I kind of As I was sitting there, I

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Speaker 3: was like, this is exactly what I think how I

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Speaker 3: thought the conversation would go.

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Speaker 2: If it was a teenage boy, it would be a

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Speaker 2: totally different conversation.

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Speaker 3: But the one that actually got me a little bit

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Speaker 3: nervous was she acknowledged that she had had a couple

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Speaker 3: of unsolicited friend requests on Instagram.

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Speaker 2: Where.

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Speaker 3: Mature males had contacted her and said that they were

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Speaker 3: really lonely and were looking for someone to talk to,

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Speaker 3: would pay one thousand dollars if she would meet up

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Speaker 3: with them, and promised that it wouldn't go any further.

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Speaker 2: See I hear that, and I just I feel so

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Speaker 2: many things. I feel so many things, and the first

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Speaker 2: thing I feel is we need to double check those

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Speaker 2: settings again. But even with great setting, stuff gets through.

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Speaker 3: So I asked what she did when she got those messages,

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Speaker 3: and she said that there were quite a few reels

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Speaker 3: at the time because this actually happened during COVID. I

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Speaker 3: really just found finding out about this. Now, this happened

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Speaker 3: during COVID, And she said as she was scrolling, there

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Speaker 3: were lots of reels by different people saying if you

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Speaker 3: get a message like this, whatever you do, don't respond,

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Speaker 3: block them, get rid of them. And so that's exactly

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Speaker 3: what she did, and she didn't. I asked her why

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Speaker 3: she didn't talk to me about it, and she said, well,

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Speaker 3: I didn't feel like I needed to because there was

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Speaker 3: got under control. Yeah, I dealt with it. Something happened,

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Speaker 3: And I asked if there'd been anymore recently, and she

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Speaker 3: said no, it seemed to be a very concentrated period.

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Speaker 3: But I was really grateful for a couple of things.

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Speaker 3: I wish she had have come and talked to us

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Speaker 3: when it happened, but I was so grateful that she

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Speaker 3: was confident in her own ability to recognize and know that, no,

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Speaker 3: this isn't something I want to engage in.

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Speaker 2: Delete, block, get rid of.

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Speaker 3: And I was also grateful that the things that I

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Speaker 3: felt we were doing to protect our kids were actually working.

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Speaker 3: So my whole do better tomorrow is no matter how

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Speaker 3: many times you've had the conversation, have it again. I

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Speaker 3: think it's just so important for us us to be

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Speaker 3: in constantly having those kinds of conversations with our kids

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Speaker 3: and knowing you know, she was just so good about it.

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Speaker 3: She didn't feel interrogated, she didn't feel like I was

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Speaker 3: angry at her. Even when I found out, I said, what,

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Speaker 3: you know, what made you not want to tell me?

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Speaker 3: She said. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell.

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Speaker 3: You said, I just didn't think there was anything.

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Speaker 2: To tell me. I can't believe that the kids would

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Speaker 2: be like, oh, this doesn't need to go to my parents.

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Speaker 3: Wow, So what about you? What's your role do about

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Speaker 3: it tomorrow?

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Speaker 2: I'm just reeling from this conversation. It emphasizes so much

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Speaker 2: how important it is that we as parents are bold

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Speaker 2: enough and encouraging enough and soft enough to have these conversations.

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Speaker 2: That's that's what I'm really reilling from. So what I

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Speaker 2: am going to talk about is two things. A very

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Speaker 2: quick anecdote and then a story that I think a

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Speaker 2: lot of parents are going to say, oh, got to

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Speaker 2: try that. I don't know if it's going to work

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Speaker 2: for everyone, but it's worth a shot. The anecdote first

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Speaker 2: sitting down to watch a movie with Emily the other day,

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Speaker 2: nine years old, the TV suggests why don't you watch

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Speaker 2: Inside Out, the Disney Pixar movie. I'm like, oh, Emily,

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Speaker 2: this is brilliant. Let's watch. Let's watch inside Out. It's

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Speaker 2: gonna be great. She says, no, I don't want to

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Speaker 2: watch it. I'm like, why are you so rigid? Why

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Speaker 2: are you so close mind? Why won't you watch this movie?

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Speaker 2: I didn't get that excited about it, but that's what

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Speaker 2: I was thinking in my head. I said, what do

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Speaker 2: you mean you don't want to watch it? How come?

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Speaker 2: And she said, because it's got ninety six Rotten Tomatoes.

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Speaker 2: So you know, when the recommendation comes up on the screen,

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Speaker 2: it often brings in the Rotten Tomatoes or the IMDb score.

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Speaker 2: And she saw ninety six Rotten Tomatoes and thought it

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Speaker 2: must be really bad.

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Speaker 3: Well, I agree, I would think that too.

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Speaker 2: I explained to her how Rotten Tomatoes works the website,

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Speaker 2: and she got pretty excited about it. And she's changed

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Speaker 2: to mind. She's okay. With watching movies with lots of

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Speaker 2: rotten tomatoes. Now, I just thought that was fun and funny,

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Speaker 2: and it highlights how we need to explain things to

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Speaker 2: our kids, which said ways beautifully into what I do

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Speaker 2: want to share today, and that is the same child.

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Speaker 2: We've made no secret of the fact that we have

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Speaker 2: some additional needs that we lenge by with this little

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Speaker 2: angel who we just adore. One of the challenges that

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Speaker 2: we often experience is related to her eating behavior. She

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Speaker 2: just doesn't eat, She forgets to eat, she gets cranky

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Speaker 2: about having to eat, she wants to do other.

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Speaker 3: Things, having to make decisions around eating.

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Speaker 2: That's right, Yeah, the decision fatigue really hits her, and

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Speaker 2: there are so many other things that she wants to

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Speaker 2: do instead of eat. But while things aren't dangerous or

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Speaker 2: medically unsafe at the moment, it's been something that I've

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Speaker 2: just known we need to address in a way that

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Speaker 2: doesn't create confrontation and defensiveness, because every time we try

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Speaker 2: to do it, it creates confrontation and defensiveness. So the

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Speaker 2: other day I sat down with all the kids, not

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Speaker 2: just her, and said, I wanted to ask you a question.

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Speaker 2: What is a calorie? And one of the kids brilliantly said,

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Speaker 2: it's how much energy food gives us. I thought, my goodness,

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Speaker 2: this kid is not even a dietitian, but that's a

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Speaker 2: great answer. A calorie is literally the measure of the

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Speaker 2: energy and food. And so we talked a bit about

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Speaker 2: calories and then said how many calories do we each

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Speaker 2: need to be eating a day so that we can

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Speaker 2: be healthy and sustain life. And we talked about the

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Speaker 2: difference between good calories and bad calories, or calories that

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Speaker 2: support us and energize us and calories that actually deplete us.

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Speaker 2: And at the end of that conversation, the kids knew

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Speaker 2: that they needed somewhere between eighteen hundred and twenty two

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Speaker 2: calories a day, depending on their age. They also understood

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Speaker 2: about how many calories were in an egg or a carrot,

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Speaker 2: or a number of other food items that we just

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Speaker 2: had to look up because they became completely absorbed in

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Speaker 2: the idea of calories. Then I made a very clear

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Speaker 2: statement that we were not going to start counting calories.

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Speaker 2: That's not going to be a healthy way to move forward.

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Speaker 2: But we just need to make sure that we're getting

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Speaker 2: enough calories. We've gone from this kid having essentially zero

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Speaker 2: to one hundred calories throughout most of the day and

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Speaker 2: then just eating whatever we can get into her at nighttime.

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Speaker 2: The conversation has completely shifted her mindset. She knows her

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Speaker 2: body needs energy that it consumes calories. She keeps saying, Dad,

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Speaker 2: right now I'm just chewing Am I using calories? Now

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Speaker 2: I'm just sitting on the couch. Am I using calories? Dad?

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Speaker 2: I'm running in the backyard with you? Is this using calories?

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Speaker 2: And I'm like, even when you're not doing anything, even

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Speaker 2: when you're asleep, using calories, your brain's using calories. Your

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Speaker 2: body's using calories. And my concern is that she's going

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Speaker 2: to become hyper focused on calories. Now we've had the discussion,

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Speaker 2: and so I'm working really hard to downplay a number

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Speaker 2: of elements here, But the overall message, the overall I'll

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Speaker 2: do better tomorrow is in the book that I wrote,

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Speaker 2: The Parenting Revolution, which is just so helpful parents. One

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Speaker 2: of the things that I emphasize is that children need

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Speaker 2: to have a rationale for any behavioral requests. That is

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Speaker 2: why am I asking you to do the thing that

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Speaker 2: I'm asking you to do? And for a long time

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Speaker 2: now when it comes to food. We've been saying to Emily,

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Speaker 2: you need to eat it because it's good for you.

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Speaker 2: You need to eat it because your body needs energy

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Speaker 2: you need and she keeps on saying, no, I don't

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Speaker 2: need it. But as we've dived a little deeper into

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Speaker 2: that rational as we've actually stepped through what a calorie is,

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Speaker 2: it's the energy that's in the food so that your

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Speaker 2: body has energy. There's just something gentle about that additional

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Speaker 2: information that tweak in providing that rationale, And all of

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Speaker 2: a sudden it's made a difference. Have you noticed it?

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Speaker 3: Well, obviously we were only a few days in at

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Speaker 3: the moment, but we've had some really big successes. And

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Speaker 3: what I loved was the first night when we gave

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Speaker 3: it a go, Emily came and jumped into bed when

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Speaker 3: it was time for prayer, and you just looked at

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Speaker 3: her and you said, hey, kidd, you've had some food.

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Speaker 3: How do you feel now?

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Speaker 2: Because before actually had food, I asked the question differently.

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Speaker 2: I said, you seem to be a little bit different

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Speaker 2: Emily now to who you were an hour ago.

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Speaker 3: So we had some massive emotion, big.

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Speaker 2: Meltdowns, and I just said to her, what do you

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Speaker 2: think is different about now compared to an hour ago,

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Speaker 2: because it's bedtime. Now, you're supposed to be tired and

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Speaker 2: not doing great, and you actually seem like you're really happy.

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Speaker 3: And she said, I feel really good. She felt calm,

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Speaker 3: she felt peaceful. Yeah, regulated, and she acknowledged that she

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Speaker 3: had a full time.

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Speaker 2: Amazing. So the importance of an explanation, whether it's choosing

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Speaker 2: a movie and understanding rotten Tomatoes, or whether it's talking

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Speaker 2: about the need for sleep, or the need for food

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Speaker 2: and sustenance and energy, or the need for some time

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Speaker 2: away from screens. The power of a clear rationale with

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Speaker 2: some good, simple statements that are evidence based that kids

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Speaker 2: can get their head around when they're not too emotional,

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Speaker 2: can be profound. It can be so powerful. We really

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Speaker 2: hope that you've enjoyed our conversation today. I'll do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 2: We'll be back again next week. The Happy Family's podcast

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Speaker 2: is produced by Justin Ruhland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce

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Speaker 2: is our executive producer. If you want to make your

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Speaker 2: family happier, We've got so many resources and so many

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Speaker 2: wonderful ways that you can do it. Please visit us

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Speaker 2: at Happy Families dot com, dot au,