1 00:00:02,279 --> 00:00:04,640 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast. 2 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,440 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent. They just 3 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:09,920 Speaker 2: want answers mew. 4 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,320 Speaker 1: I kind of feel like I need to begin today's 5 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:19,280 Speaker 1: podcast with a sigh, just a big ah, and I'll 6 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:23,880 Speaker 1: tell you why, because kids and listening kids, and so 7 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,360 Speaker 1: many times it's got to be one of the most 8 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,960 Speaker 1: commonly asked questions that I get. And yet just recently 9 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,040 Speaker 1: we had a situation at home where the kids weren't 10 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,640 Speaker 1: listening to me. I thought, what's the advice did I 11 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,599 Speaker 1: give to everybody else? Because I need it right now 12 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,520 Speaker 1: and I couldn't remember it. So I got a little 13 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,640 Speaker 1: bit mad. I was like, come one, you've got to 14 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:41,120 Speaker 1: do better than this. Why I want the kids listen 15 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,200 Speaker 1: today on the Happy Families Podcast, Five reasons your children 16 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,480 Speaker 1: are not listening to you and five things you can 17 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:50,320 Speaker 1: do to make them want to listen to you. 18 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:53,200 Speaker 2: I know when our kids were younger, we actually wondered 19 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 2: whether we or not we had some hearing challenge. 20 00:00:56,120 --> 00:01:00,480 Speaker 1: We literally had one of the kids is tested. Paid 21 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,480 Speaker 1: a lot of money for it. Government usually covers that 22 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,360 Speaker 1: depending on which state you're in Australia. Now I think 23 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,040 Speaker 1: it's a federally covered thing. But if you if you're unsure, 24 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: I mean, let's let's acknowledge there is a serious side 25 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,240 Speaker 1: to this. If you have a child with low hearing 26 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 1: or no hearing, then well this podcast episode is probably 27 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,600 Speaker 1: not for you. And no, actually I think that it 28 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,040 Speaker 1: will be. But we're mainly going to be talking about 29 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 1: kids who have perfectly good hearing and they just are 30 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:28,200 Speaker 1: not responding. They're non compliant. If you want to find 31 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:29,840 Speaker 1: out if your kid's hearing is good, you can get 32 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,680 Speaker 1: the free test, or you can stand at the door 33 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,240 Speaker 1: of the bedroom that they're in and say who wants 34 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 1: ice cream? You'll get a response. You'll know. 35 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:39,800 Speaker 2: You can't just say who wants ice cream? You have 36 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 2: to whisper. 37 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,160 Speaker 1: Of course, even while they're on a screen, they're still 38 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:44,600 Speaker 1: going to look up and go uh huh. I mean 39 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,360 Speaker 1: that's when you know. Or you don't even have to 40 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,600 Speaker 1: say anything. Just open a packet. 41 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 2: A biscuit. 42 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:54,280 Speaker 1: Yeah they hear the crinkly Yeah, yeah they're there. You 43 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:57,200 Speaker 1: got it, You got it? Okay. Five reasons. Five reasons 44 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 1: your children are not listening to you? 45 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:03,080 Speaker 2: Can I tell you Number one? It's two words, yeah, 46 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:05,240 Speaker 2: care factor. They don't care what. 47 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,400 Speaker 1: You're talking about Yeah. 48 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, you're a five year old and you're playing with 49 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:11,960 Speaker 2: your lego. The last thing you want to do is 50 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,640 Speaker 2: look up and listen to mum because she wants you 51 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 2: to go brush your teeth because it's time for bed. 52 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 1: And that's the critical thing. They're not listening because we're 53 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,560 Speaker 1: asking them to do stuff. There's all of this correction 54 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,079 Speaker 1: and direction. It's never fun to listen to Mum or 55 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,840 Speaker 1: dad because they're telling me to do something that I 56 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: don't want to do. And just on that care factor, 57 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,880 Speaker 1: I mean, this is a question of motivation, I guess. 58 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,360 Speaker 1: But they don't have the same capacity, the same interest 59 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,919 Speaker 1: in noticing things that we notice. So we walk into 60 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960 Speaker 1: the living room and we see two things on the 61 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 1: couch and three things on the floor, and we say, hm, 62 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,200 Speaker 1: five things that need to be put away and then 63 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:47,119 Speaker 1: this room will look beautiful. Kids walk into that living 64 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:51,560 Speaker 1: room and they say lego or they look pretty lonely. 65 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:52,720 Speaker 2: They need more stuff. 66 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:57,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, oh my goodness. So care factor is a huge one. 67 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,919 Speaker 1: A couple of other things. I want to make the 68 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,320 Speaker 1: point they are listening, they just don't like what you're saying. 69 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,160 Speaker 1: I've said this to so many parents, and every time 70 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 1: I do. Parents' eyes go ah, yeah, yeah, because what 71 00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:12,079 Speaker 1: are you saying? How much? How much reason are you 72 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,720 Speaker 1: giving them to want to listen? Usually not much. Unpack 73 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,200 Speaker 1: the dish washer, put your bag away, pick up your towel, 74 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,519 Speaker 1: come to the table, set the table. Why haven't you 75 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 1: fed the dogs yet? Like that, that's our conversation. 76 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 2: We've had this conversation every morning for the last few 77 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,720 Speaker 2: weeks about whose tone it is to feed the dog? 78 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 2: I know, And yesterday morning I devised a plan. 79 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,400 Speaker 1: Oh did you I did? 80 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,280 Speaker 2: I'd asked two different children over a duration of about 81 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:38,400 Speaker 2: ten minutes to feed the dogs. There was no water 82 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:41,000 Speaker 2: in their bowls. They're scratching at the door. They want 83 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:41,440 Speaker 2: their food. 84 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 1: Please don't call the RSPCF. Folks, we do look after 85 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,280 Speaker 1: our dogs. It's just that sometimes they have to wait 86 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 1: for their dinner. 87 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,360 Speaker 2: And after I finally asked the second child, who just 88 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 2: walked past me and ignored me, I went, right, okay, Annie, 89 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:01,320 Speaker 2: you've got Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Lily you've got Tuesday, Thursday, 90 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,920 Speaker 2: two teas. We can't forget that. And Emily, you've got 91 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,360 Speaker 2: the weekend. I need a plan that works for me 92 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,200 Speaker 2: because I need to know it has to be easy 93 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 2: for me to remember, right, because if I get to 94 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 2: Wednesday and I'm like, whose turn is it, no one's 95 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,480 Speaker 2: going to admit it's their turn. Whereas now I've got 96 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:19,000 Speaker 2: a definite plan and they all looked at me and 97 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,919 Speaker 2: they went okay, and the dogs got fed. 98 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,760 Speaker 1: So we have gone sideways a bit here, But let's 99 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 1: just emphasize if you want your children to be competent, 100 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,560 Speaker 1: there has to be structure. And what you've done in 101 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: fifteen seconds or less is device the structure that everyone's 102 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,920 Speaker 1: willing to comply with. And now we can satisfactorily keep 103 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,080 Speaker 1: the dogs fed. See no reason to call the RSPCA. 104 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:39,840 Speaker 1: We've we've got this cup. But I think there's a 105 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,960 Speaker 1: couple of things we need to highlight here. You've mentioned 106 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,440 Speaker 1: number one. In fact number one for you that they 107 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:49,279 Speaker 1: don't care. That's part of a broader issue for me, 108 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,680 Speaker 1: and that is that they don't have the same capacity 109 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:57,040 Speaker 1: to care because they're so egocentric. Children between the ages 110 00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:01,120 Speaker 1: of I don't know two and sixty two tend to 111 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,000 Speaker 1: really care about themselves and not other people. Well, that's 112 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:09,240 Speaker 1: probably unfair two and twelve sixty two six, And so 113 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,479 Speaker 1: what's important to you in your world is just not 114 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 1: important to them in their world. When you say we 115 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:16,680 Speaker 1: need to get into the car, I have a meeting 116 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: and if I'm late for the meeting, that's going to 117 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,280 Speaker 1: be bad the kids because are like, no, it's not 118 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,760 Speaker 1: it doesn't affect me at all. I'm fine, it doesn't 119 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 1: affect them. So there's the capacity to care that is 120 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,560 Speaker 1: tied to motivation and this idea of ego centrism. It's 121 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:35,240 Speaker 1: about me, my needs, my focus, my attention, and. 122 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 2: Not because they're selfish, not literally, because developmentally this is 123 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:40,240 Speaker 2: where they are at. 124 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:45,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, perspective, what you care about your issues are not 125 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:50,080 Speaker 1: my issues, And that sounds really selfish, But you're when 126 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:53,159 Speaker 1: you don't have the developmental capacity to care about somebody 127 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 1: else's issues in a meaningful way, that's what you get. 128 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 1: That's why children are the way that they are once 129 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:03,760 Speaker 1: they become teenagers. Another thing that happens is that other 130 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 1: voices simply become more interesting parents' voices. Been listening to 131 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 1: your voice for more than a decade. Now, I know it, 132 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,360 Speaker 1: I've heard it, I'm used to it. 133 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:15,120 Speaker 2: I just to draw you, just drag on. 134 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:19,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think we also have to acknowledge near adversity, 135 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:25,120 Speaker 1: low hearing children, the impact of screens. Sometimes the kids 136 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 1: are so focused on their screen. I've the've got their 137 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:30,279 Speaker 1: headphones in or on or whatever, really hard to drab 138 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 1: their attention. So Number one, kids don't have the same 139 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,720 Speaker 1: capacity to care, and we've talked about all of that. 140 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,760 Speaker 1: Number two, Kylie, kids don't have the same attention or capacity. 141 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:42,680 Speaker 1: In other words, when you and I are talking, when 142 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 1: two adults are involved in a conversation, we're able to 143 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:49,719 Speaker 1: engage in a way that kids aren't able to engage in. 144 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 1: They just don't have the same stamina, the same focus, 145 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,400 Speaker 1: the same ability to zero in and say, okay, I'm listening, 146 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,800 Speaker 1: I've got you. What's Number Three, We will still love them. 147 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,000 Speaker 1: We will still love them like a teacher or a coach, 148 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 1: or a friend or a neighbor or whoever it might be. 149 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,080 Speaker 1: If kids don't follow the structure and the expectation, then 150 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:16,280 Speaker 1: they might feel like they've lost the relationship. Other relationships 151 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,640 Speaker 1: are short term. There's no guarantee that this is going 152 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 1: to keep going. But the kids know I don't have 153 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,360 Speaker 1: to listen to my parents, and they're obligated to continue 154 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,240 Speaker 1: to love me. They've got me. It's cool, I can 155 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: get away with this. 156 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:31,040 Speaker 2: But I also don't feel like they have the confidence 157 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,160 Speaker 2: that they can push back on the teacher either. You know, 158 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:37,880 Speaker 2: when you think about other adults, they've learned quickly. Societal 159 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 2: norms suggest in societal rules that we need to be 160 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,600 Speaker 2: compliant in certain scenarios and situations. 161 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, all the kids in the classroom are doing that 162 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:46,800 Speaker 1: as well. 163 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 2: That's right. So there's this positive peer pressure that comes 164 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 2: in those settings when there's large numbers of kids all together. 165 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 1: Number four is that silence and refusal mean different things 166 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,280 Speaker 1: to us than what they mean to the kids. So 167 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 1: if your child refuses to put shoes on or refuses 168 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:08,560 Speaker 1: to get their school bag ready, you, as a parent, 169 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,680 Speaker 1: because you're flustered and stressed and you need to get 170 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 1: out the door, and so did they, You might see 171 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,480 Speaker 1: that as obstinates or refusal or some other frustrating thing, 172 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,280 Speaker 1: and guess what for them, it might be that something 173 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:21,840 Speaker 1: else matters more. Or it might be that they're scared 174 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 1: of going to school today because they know that that 175 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,840 Speaker 1: presentations due and they're not ready for it, or they 176 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,600 Speaker 1: know that the teacher is not going to be there 177 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,280 Speaker 1: and they're going to have a sub because they got 178 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: warning ahead of time, and they don't do well with 179 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,760 Speaker 1: sub teachers. Those kinds of things I know. 180 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:40,040 Speaker 2: With my teenagers when we sometimes having heated conversations about 181 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,800 Speaker 2: why they haven't responded to me positively in that moment, 182 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,680 Speaker 2: the acknowledgment is that I haven't recognized and seen that 183 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,280 Speaker 2: they were in the middle of something, so like I 184 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,960 Speaker 2: was just finishing what I was doing, and then I 185 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,600 Speaker 2: was going to get onto X y Z, and so again, 186 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 2: perspective from our end is just as important as perspective 187 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:00,479 Speaker 2: from there. 188 00:09:00,559 --> 00:09:03,120 Speaker 1: Which kind of leads nicely into the fifth and final one, 189 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,360 Speaker 1: and that is that quite often we talk to our 190 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:08,000 Speaker 1: children and expect them to listen, but we do not 191 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 1: have their attention, So we're expecting that when we open 192 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,559 Speaker 1: our mouths, everybody is going to focus on us. We 193 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,760 Speaker 1: feel like we're the center of the universe instead of them. 194 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,680 Speaker 2: If you think about how many conversations you have with 195 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,840 Speaker 2: your kids and you call out from the other room 196 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,920 Speaker 2: right you're not even in the same space, You're not 197 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,200 Speaker 2: making eye contact, and you're expecting immediate. 198 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,959 Speaker 1: Compliance after the break. Five things to do to help 199 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,960 Speaker 1: your kids to want to listen to you. 200 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 2: So we've talked about five reasons why the kids won't 201 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:42,560 Speaker 2: listen to us, But everyone, what's a good solution? You 202 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:46,200 Speaker 2: said before the break that you've got five reasons to 203 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 2: help our kids listen to us. I'd love to hear them, and. 204 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,880 Speaker 1: They're all really easy. We can get through them super fast. 205 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,720 Speaker 1: Number One, make sure you have their attention before you 206 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:53,240 Speaker 1: talk to them. 207 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,400 Speaker 2: This is really important for young kids, especially. 208 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,360 Speaker 1: How obvious is this and how often do we not 209 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:02,400 Speaker 1: do it? Yeah, just when you've got eye contact, when 210 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,520 Speaker 1: there's some touch, when there's some genuine engagement, when you've 211 00:10:05,559 --> 00:10:08,439 Speaker 1: walked to them and said hey kiddo, and then you 212 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 1: see them look at you and say yeah mum or yeah. 213 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,920 Speaker 1: That that's when you start talking. 214 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,440 Speaker 2: You know. Touch you said touch, and it just visually 215 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 2: the amount of times where I've tried to call from 216 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,640 Speaker 2: the other room haven't got any response, and then I've 217 00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:24,240 Speaker 2: walked in on our ten year old who's got her 218 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,760 Speaker 2: nose in a book and I've literally just touched her 219 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,480 Speaker 2: on the shoulder or touched her on the hand, and 220 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,520 Speaker 2: instant she's looked up at me. 221 00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:34,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's instant. Just Number one, have their attention before 222 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:35,920 Speaker 1: you start talking. 223 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:36,920 Speaker 2: What's number two. 224 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:41,520 Speaker 1: Number two is be involved. Be involved. So quite often 225 00:10:41,559 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 1: we say go do this, go do that. There's a 226 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:47,120 Speaker 1: lot of correction, a lot of direction, and not a 227 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:48,120 Speaker 1: lot of connection. 228 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,520 Speaker 2: I was thinking about this in relation to the classroom. 229 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:56,400 Speaker 2: Teachers obviously will will often have to do things and 230 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,360 Speaker 2: not be literally with your child or with the class 231 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,319 Speaker 2: as a whole. They might race over to their desk 232 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,079 Speaker 2: while they ask the kids to do something. But more 233 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,120 Speaker 2: times than not, in a classroom situation, the teacher will 234 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 2: say to the kids, all right, I want you two 235 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,040 Speaker 2: straight lines here, find a partner and stand in line. 236 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,280 Speaker 2: But they're standing in that line at the front of 237 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 2: the line, and they're making eye contact with those kids 238 00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:17,760 Speaker 2: as they're kind of, you know, moving around the room. 239 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,680 Speaker 2: They're right there with them. But at home, I know, 240 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,079 Speaker 2: in my case, I'm like, okay, will you do this, 241 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:24,839 Speaker 2: and I'll do the fifteen other things I've got to 242 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,240 Speaker 2: do before we get out the door. And so as 243 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:28,719 Speaker 2: soon as I walk out the door, they've forgotten what 244 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,720 Speaker 2: I've said because they're engrossed and whatever they're doing. 245 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,560 Speaker 1: That's why I love all in that nighttime routine that 246 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,480 Speaker 1: we usually have, Although lately it's been a bit shoddy. 247 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,079 Speaker 1: Where the whole family comes into the kitchen and we 248 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,360 Speaker 1: clean up the meal together. It's involved time, we can talk. 249 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,679 Speaker 1: Everybody's listening, paying attention. No one complains during that period 250 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:49,200 Speaker 1: that no one's listening to me. Because you're involved and 251 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 1: you're doing it together, I know, it feels like it's 252 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,120 Speaker 1: going to take longer. The great paradox is that it 253 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,839 Speaker 1: usually does not take as long because everybody's doing it together. 254 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 2: Or it does take longer, it's because you're actually enjoying 255 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:02,959 Speaker 2: yourself and having fun. You don't want it to end. 256 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 1: That's right, And relationships are not built on efficiency. That's 257 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:09,840 Speaker 1: not the purpose of relationships. Number three. Just be patient, 258 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:14,560 Speaker 1: like wait, call out to your child, maybe even invite 259 00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:18,560 Speaker 1: them to do something, and then wait. Because when I 260 00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:21,320 Speaker 1: ask parents how long they usually wait between request number 261 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,760 Speaker 1: one and then the follow up, I just asked you 262 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:28,240 Speaker 1: to do something, the answer by most parents is like 263 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:32,600 Speaker 1: four seconds. Hey, put your shoes on. You haven't moved yet. 264 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 1: I said, put your shoes on. It like, give them 265 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,560 Speaker 1: a minute, just wait, Just be a little bit patient. 266 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,400 Speaker 1: I think that it will it will help. Number four, 267 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,280 Speaker 1: This one is my favorite one. Because a lot of 268 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,400 Speaker 1: parents say, oh, all this soft parenting where you get 269 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,120 Speaker 1: down at their level and you look them in the 270 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,080 Speaker 1: eyes and hold their sweet little hands and whisper sweet 271 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:54,000 Speaker 1: nothings to them as you try to gently coax them 272 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,720 Speaker 1: into doing what you want. No no, no, no, no accountability, accountability. 273 00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 1: So I don't know how often you've seen me do this, 274 00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:02,360 Speaker 1: but I'll ask the kids to do something and then 275 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,720 Speaker 1: I will stand in front of them and just wait 276 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 1: until they move their butt and get on with it. 277 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,839 Speaker 1: And sometimes I'll stand there for twenty seconds and they'll 278 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,439 Speaker 1: look up and they're like what, And I'll say, I 279 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:15,480 Speaker 1: asked you to do something. What was it? And I'm like, oh, 280 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,520 Speaker 1: and they've got of the voices and all the eye rolls. 281 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:20,679 Speaker 1: But I just stand there until they get on with it, 282 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 1: and I'll off it. Would you like me to be 283 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,800 Speaker 1: involved with you while you do it? We can do 284 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 1: it together if you like. I just I need you 285 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,959 Speaker 1: to do this. It's time and sometimes it has to 286 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,839 Speaker 1: be done instantly. Other times I'll be like, just get 287 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,640 Speaker 1: this done before the end of the week, right, like 288 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:37,760 Speaker 1: the lawns need to be mode. I want it done 289 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 1: by the weekend. 290 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 2: As a tangent to this. I think a really a 291 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,760 Speaker 2: wonderful principle that we've used in our home as gentle reminders. 292 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,640 Speaker 2: We use a lot of words as parents, and when 293 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,720 Speaker 2: we make a request and it's not done instantly, one 294 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,760 Speaker 2: of the things that we have often used in our 295 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,880 Speaker 2: home has just gone up to the kids and gone, hey, kiddo, 296 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,840 Speaker 2: the lawns. We don't have to give them the long lecture. 297 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 2: WHI it's a gentle reminder that they know. 298 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,960 Speaker 1: They still go, oh, but we're. 299 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:07,920 Speaker 2: Not nagging, right. 300 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:09,800 Speaker 1: And number five the last one, and I think this 301 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,439 Speaker 1: one's probably the most important one of all. Be the 302 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,120 Speaker 1: kind of person that they want to pay attention to. 303 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,520 Speaker 2: You talk about the idea of soft parenting, and you know, 304 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 2: do I have to hold my kid's hand? But yeah, 305 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 2: I want to hold my kid's hand like they're my people, 306 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 2: and I want them to know that I'm their person. 307 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:28,280 Speaker 2: And the softer I can be with them, the better 308 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,920 Speaker 2: off my relationship is with them. And therefore I will 309 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,080 Speaker 2: be the person they want to listen to. 310 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,760 Speaker 1: I only going to use the word soft, and I 311 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,560 Speaker 1: agree with you, but I would change the word or 312 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:38,160 Speaker 1: maybe add another word, and that would be fun like 313 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,400 Speaker 1: Just recently, I was doing a seminar and somebody asked 314 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,240 Speaker 1: a question about how do I how do I really 315 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,600 Speaker 1: connect with my children better? And I gave all these long, 316 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,200 Speaker 1: really good science the answers and all the I really 317 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 1: nailed the answer, and then I paused. Just as I 318 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,000 Speaker 1: was finishing, I was like, you know what, all that's 319 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,240 Speaker 1: really important, but if you really want to connect with 320 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,440 Speaker 1: your kids, just make it fun. Be a fun person. 321 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,240 Speaker 2: Had a visual a flash mob, ask the kids to 322 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,960 Speaker 2: do something and break into songs. 323 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:09,360 Speaker 3: Yeah, just make it fun, flashing lights. If they're not 324 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,600 Speaker 3: listening to you, it's because you're probably not fun. I know 325 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,600 Speaker 3: that's a bit of a sort of a bit of 326 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 3: a slam, But as parents, we can pretty much all 327 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,640 Speaker 3: acknowledge that most of the time we are not fun, 328 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,280 Speaker 3: and if we could be more fun, our kids would 329 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,120 Speaker 3: be really happy to listen to us. One of my 330 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,040 Speaker 3: good mates spend a lot of time riding bikes with 331 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 3: this friend of mine, Chris, and he is what I 332 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,800 Speaker 3: would call just a brilliantly fun dad. 333 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,840 Speaker 1: Chris. Every Friday, he's got this tradition he takes the 334 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,960 Speaker 1: kids down of the cafe and buys them breakfast, spends 335 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,360 Speaker 1: far too much money on breakfast, hates spending the money, 336 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,920 Speaker 1: but just knows that the value of having that Friday 337 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:44,080 Speaker 1: morning tradition with the kids. It's fun. He takes them 338 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,560 Speaker 1: go karting that they're into that, he makes his own 339 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,800 Speaker 1: he builds his own go karts. I mean, this guy's 340 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:54,840 Speaker 1: just clearly not me. But he makes time together fun, 341 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,520 Speaker 1: and that's what you need to do. That's how you 342 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,320 Speaker 1: build a relationship, right, you have fun together. 343 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:03,359 Speaker 2: As parents were pretty highly strung most of the time. 344 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,360 Speaker 1: Oh most of the time. 345 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, But I remember a story about your friend Dave. 346 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:10,680 Speaker 2: You were in the pool one day. Kids had these 347 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 2: water soakas. 348 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,560 Speaker 1: And we weren't in the pool. We got for ride 349 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,120 Speaker 1: on a stinking hot day. It was like forty two 350 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,480 Speaker 1: degrees and we were thinking about getting in the pool, 351 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:21,280 Speaker 1: but the water. 352 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:23,080 Speaker 2: Was so cold, and the kids were in there, weren't 353 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,000 Speaker 2: they They were they were playing. 354 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,520 Speaker 1: It was like it was so cold, so cold, And 355 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,000 Speaker 1: I've did my toe in the water and I'm like, nah, 356 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:31,920 Speaker 1: not getting in there. And as I've turned around to 357 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,080 Speaker 1: say to Dave, I don't think I'm having a swim, 358 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,320 Speaker 1: I felt this icy pain in the small of my 359 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:38,800 Speaker 1: bag because the kids have hit me with a super 360 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,520 Speaker 1: soca and I've turned around to get cranky at this child, 361 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,320 Speaker 1: to say, what are you doing? But I remember I'm 362 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,160 Speaker 1: a parenting expert and I've got Dave the Bachelor, forty 363 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 1: two years old, no kids standing beside me, and I'm like, oh, 364 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 1: I've got to be really nice about this. And before 365 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,200 Speaker 1: I could figure out what to say, they hit him 366 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:56,000 Speaker 1: with the super soca right in the chest, right in 367 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:56,960 Speaker 1: the chest, and you. 368 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 2: Know what he did. 369 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: He went ah, He grabbed his chair and then he 370 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,720 Speaker 1: fell into the pool in spite of the fact that 371 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,360 Speaker 1: it was so cold, and the kids swam over and 372 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,200 Speaker 1: they jumped on his shoulders and they started to clamber 373 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,040 Speaker 1: all over him, and I thought, hmmm, yeah, the pairing 374 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,560 Speaker 1: experts being miserable on the side of the pool while 375 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,160 Speaker 1: the guy with no kids is in there showing him 376 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:12,639 Speaker 1: how to do it. 377 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:14,800 Speaker 2: We've got to have more fun. 378 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,520 Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin rule On. 379 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,920 Speaker 1: We really hope that the ideas we've given you today 380 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,400 Speaker 1: will help you to get the kids to listen better 381 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,959 Speaker 1: and want to listen to you. Thanks so much for listening. 382 00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:27,159 Speaker 1: We love sharing these things with you. If you'd like 383 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,320 Speaker 1: more about how to make you family happier, the best 384 00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:31,560 Speaker 1: stuff is in our Happy Families membership. You can find 385 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:35,160 Speaker 1: it online at happy families dot com dot AYU check 386 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:35,520 Speaker 1: it out.