1 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:07,720 Speaker 1: It's doctor Amantha Imbah here from How I Work. For 2 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,800 Speaker 1: the last four weeks, I have been doing a collaboration 3 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:14,720 Speaker 1: with the very wise doctor Justin Coulson, the host of 4 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:20,040 Speaker 1: Parental Guidance and also the host of the Happy Families podcast. 5 00:00:20,239 --> 00:00:23,760 Speaker 1: I love Justin's work and it's been so fun getting 6 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:27,159 Speaker 1: to chat to him about all things health. In the 7 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:31,200 Speaker 1: final episode of this collaboration, we are delving into stress. 8 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,920 Speaker 1: Justin and I will be sharing the strategies we use 9 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:39,120 Speaker 1: in our own lives to reduce stress, but also when 10 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,520 Speaker 1: stress can be really valuable and important. 11 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:51,480 Speaker 2: Amantha, when we actually talk about stress, what do we mean? 12 00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:56,200 Speaker 1: Well, I've read a lot of definitions of stress as 13 00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 1: a psychologist. One that I particularly like is that stress 14 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:05,280 Speaker 1: is when the demands that are placed upon us exceed 15 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:10,000 Speaker 1: our ability to cope, So there's an imbalance there. I 16 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: know you've got your own definition that you go to, Justin, 17 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 1: what is that? 18 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,479 Speaker 2: Yeah, mine's aligned, But I'm probably a little bit more 19 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 2: basic in that it's just a demand being placed on 20 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:25,280 Speaker 2: you that requires a response. So sometimes it's emotional, sometimes 21 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 2: it's physical, anything that requires us. So when I get 22 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 2: out of bed in the morning and I put pressure 23 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,160 Speaker 2: on my legs to hold my body weight. I'm putting 24 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,920 Speaker 2: stress on my legs. The amount of stress that they're 25 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:39,360 Speaker 2: carrying is completely within their capacity to hold it, but 26 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,240 Speaker 2: they are still experiencing a level of stress. But if 27 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,240 Speaker 2: I get on the bike and start riding up a 28 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:47,280 Speaker 2: big hill, now I'm putting a lot of stress on 29 00:01:47,319 --> 00:01:49,600 Speaker 2: my legs. And sometimes they've got the capacity to deal 30 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 2: with it. Sometimes they don't, and I reckon. That's a 31 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:56,440 Speaker 2: really useful metaphor for life, whether it's at work or 32 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,440 Speaker 2: at home, there are sometimes when there's stresses that we're carrying, 33 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,920 Speaker 2: and we all are carrying stresses well within our capacity 34 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,200 Speaker 2: to deal like we can do our general duties most 35 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:10,200 Speaker 2: of the time, unless we're carrying some kind of extra needs, 36 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:14,200 Speaker 2: maybe we've got depression or anxiety. But when we start 37 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,720 Speaker 2: to carry those stresses and maybe the boss puts more 38 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:19,600 Speaker 2: onto us, or the kids come home and they say, 39 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,800 Speaker 2: I've got this assignment and it's due tomorrow, and I 40 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:23,520 Speaker 2: totally forgotten. I've had it for four weeks and I'm 41 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,520 Speaker 2: going to have to stay up until six o'clock tomorrow morning. 42 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 2: Get But that's the kind of stuff where we go, oh, now, 43 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,240 Speaker 2: I've got a level of stress that this is going 44 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,440 Speaker 2: to affect my thinking, is going to affect my feelings, 45 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,320 Speaker 2: it's going to affect my overall well being. This is 46 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,400 Speaker 2: a level of pressure that I'm not quite sure if 47 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 2: I'm equipped for, and I think that's kind of one 48 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:41,079 Speaker 2: of the That's one of the things that I want 49 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:42,440 Speaker 2: to talk to you about this is this is an 50 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:48,240 Speaker 2: area that you really do specialize in reframing stress, managing stress, 51 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,800 Speaker 2: and what it does to our health when we either 52 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:55,640 Speaker 2: do or don't do it well. Tell me what you've 53 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,160 Speaker 2: got in terms of your toolkit. When stress is becoming 54 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,640 Speaker 2: overwhelming for somebody, what do you do? I mean, you're 55 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 2: running a business, You've got a child, you travel a lot, 56 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,880 Speaker 2: you're writing books, you're running a podcast. How do you 57 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:08,840 Speaker 2: manage the big stress moments? 58 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:13,320 Speaker 1: I find that for me, the big stress moments are 59 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:17,920 Speaker 1: when I catastrophize, and often the things that have stressed 60 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:22,480 Speaker 1: me out most have actually never happened. They are simply 61 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,079 Speaker 1: things that I worry about happening, but they never do. 62 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,080 Speaker 1: I've wasted a lot of time being stressed. So for me, 63 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,760 Speaker 1: when I think about what are the things that help 64 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:35,480 Speaker 1: bring me back into a state that is feeling calm, 65 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 1: that is feeling grateful for what's going on, and that 66 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: is not projecting these imagined worries into my future, you know, 67 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 1: into like my future days, weeks, years. Is a ritual 68 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 1: that I do. I'll often do this with my daughter, 69 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 1: but sometimes I'll do it with my partner as well, 70 00:03:55,760 --> 00:04:01,480 Speaker 1: called rose bud thorn. So how rosebud thorn is that? Firstly, 71 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,560 Speaker 1: like if I'm doing it with my daughter, we'll talk 72 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,000 Speaker 1: each about a rose from our day. A rose is 73 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:09,680 Speaker 1: something really great that happened in our day. It might 74 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,920 Speaker 1: be like a small great thing, something that we're grateful for, 75 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,760 Speaker 1: or something that made us happy from the day. The 76 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,400 Speaker 1: bud is something that we're looking forward to, so it 77 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: might be an event or an activity that we're doing 78 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:25,720 Speaker 1: in the future. And then a thorn is something that 79 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,400 Speaker 1: we might be struggling with or a problem that we've got. 80 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,960 Speaker 1: And you know, there are many times where my daughter 81 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 1: and I have done rose by thorn and she doesn't 82 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,440 Speaker 1: have any thorns, which is totally fine and quite nice. 83 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,239 Speaker 1: So it's just a really easy ritual that is about 84 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:45,039 Speaker 1: tapping into how are we feeling right now, appreciating the 85 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,080 Speaker 1: good stuff and also thinking about good stuff that we've 86 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,240 Speaker 1: got coming up in the future. 87 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:53,120 Speaker 2: Well, so I've got this thing that's so similar. I mean, 88 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,560 Speaker 2: I've got six daughters, right, So it's sunshine, storm clouds, 89 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,679 Speaker 2: and rainbows. The sunshine's obviously what's good. The storm cloud 90 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,600 Speaker 2: is what didn't go so well, and the rainbow is 91 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:05,280 Speaker 2: the rainbow has actually got a resilience focus. So after 92 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:07,159 Speaker 2: the storm, there's always a way through it, there's always 93 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,840 Speaker 2: an outcome. And we kind of do that same kind 94 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:12,320 Speaker 2: of idea. I'm thinking about how that might look in 95 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:16,440 Speaker 2: the boardroom. Maybe not, but we're talking about personal stress here. 96 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 2: We're talking about how we manage our personal stresses, and 97 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,880 Speaker 2: we found that our kids really really love that. They 98 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 2: love the opportunity to reframe their stress and I guess 99 00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:36,400 Speaker 2: puzzle it out and problem solve. Iman. I know that 100 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 2: you're working on a book at the moment that incorporates 101 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,279 Speaker 2: a little bit of this, well not a little bit, 102 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 2: quite a bit of this into what you're writing. You've 103 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 2: got a psychology background as I do. What have you 104 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:49,680 Speaker 2: found in terms of the impact of stress on mental 105 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:50,680 Speaker 2: health and well being? 106 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:56,520 Speaker 1: I mean, it's absolutely huge, and I think what is 107 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,719 Speaker 1: really unfortunate is that just like not having enough energy. 108 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,720 Speaker 1: I feel that a lot of people think that it 109 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:07,440 Speaker 1: is normal to just go through your day feeling pretty tired, 110 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:12,280 Speaker 1: pretty exhausted. That is the norm for a lot of people. However, 111 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,680 Speaker 1: it shouldn't be. It's not normal, like you should be 112 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 1: striving for better, is what I mean. I hate the 113 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:22,400 Speaker 1: term normal as a psychologist, but also it's really easy 114 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:27,520 Speaker 1: to kind of normalize stress and go, well, it's normal 115 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,159 Speaker 1: to have a stressful job, it's normal for parenting to 116 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,799 Speaker 1: be stressful. But you know, I think what we ideally 117 00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:36,840 Speaker 1: need to aspire to is ways that we can manage it. 118 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 1: You know, the aim is not to alleviate all stress. 119 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,760 Speaker 1: Stress can be really good. Stress is often a source 120 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:44,320 Speaker 1: of growth. 121 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,320 Speaker 2: I'm so glad you said that. I can't build bigger muscles. 122 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,360 Speaker 2: I can't be a better bike rider, I can't be 123 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:50,920 Speaker 2: a better surfer, I can't be a better parent. I 124 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 2: can't be a better author unless I push myself through 125 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,640 Speaker 2: the challenge that it presents. 126 00:06:55,800 --> 00:07:00,000 Speaker 1: Absolutely, I love that phrase around. Growth only happens outside 127 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,920 Speaker 1: of your comfort zone, and you will feel stress if 128 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,960 Speaker 1: you're outside of your comfort zone. Something that I've been 129 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:09,680 Speaker 1: thinking about a lot lately. And it's funny because I've 130 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 1: only got the one child. But you know that's saying justin, 131 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 1: I'm going to get the wording wrong, but you're only 132 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 1: as happy as your unhappiest child. Have you come across 133 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:20,440 Speaker 1: that before? 134 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:23,360 Speaker 2: I have heard it, but I resist it. I resist 135 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:24,120 Speaker 2: it really strongly. 136 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:28,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, because I want to know, like with six kids, like, 137 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,080 Speaker 1: I'm sure at any given point in time, one of 138 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:35,360 Speaker 1: your kids is dealing with a stressful situation. I find 139 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,560 Speaker 1: when my daughter's dealing with something stressful, let's say a 140 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:43,200 Speaker 1: friendship issue, I feel really stressed as well. And it 141 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:46,400 Speaker 1: can also be quite triggering to say, the friendship issues 142 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,480 Speaker 1: that I went through at school. And I'm wondering, how 143 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,440 Speaker 1: do you manage this with like six different sets of 144 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,600 Speaker 1: emotional experiences in your children going on at any one 145 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 1: point in time. 146 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 2: There's a whole lot of research that shows that when 147 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,480 Speaker 2: we as parents start to become anxious about things, when 148 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 2: our stress levels go up, our immediate response is that 149 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,960 Speaker 2: we take control. And so if you've got a child 150 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,440 Speaker 2: who's dealing with some anxiety, or dealing with some friendship issues, 151 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,640 Speaker 2: or not doing well at school or whatever, it could 152 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,440 Speaker 2: be and it's not just in pairing. It happens at 153 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 2: work as well. When we start to feel anxious, we 154 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,840 Speaker 2: feel like we're out of our comfort zone. We feel 155 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,640 Speaker 2: like we have to control the situation, and so we 156 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:29,160 Speaker 2: step into command and control mode. But what that does. 157 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 2: Let's keep it in the family context for now, but 158 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,520 Speaker 2: anybody who's not in that context will still be saying, okay, 159 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:38,200 Speaker 2: this will definitely apply everywhere else. When I step in 160 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,480 Speaker 2: with command and control to my child, I'm sending a 161 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:44,400 Speaker 2: very clear message to them about my beliefs about their competence. 162 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,040 Speaker 2: I'm essentially saying, you're not confident. I need to step 163 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,440 Speaker 2: in and control this right now. Now, sometimes that's actually true. 164 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 2: But if this is a repeated behavior, if this is 165 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,480 Speaker 2: the way we respond to anxiety and stress all the time, 166 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 2: we start to become controlling rather than collaborative. We take 167 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,240 Speaker 2: away their autono and over time that will cause a 168 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:05,640 Speaker 2: deterioration of the relationship. In other words, the three basic 169 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:08,600 Speaker 2: psychological needs that our kids have are being undermined by 170 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:13,559 Speaker 2: our inability to sit well with stress, anxiety, worry, and challenge. Therefore, 171 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 2: over time, I've implemented a handful of strategies that have 172 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,720 Speaker 2: worked really really well for me, and one of them 173 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,199 Speaker 2: is actually not about my kids. It's about my wife. 174 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,280 Speaker 2: And then I've learned how to transfer it into my 175 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 2: kids context. So some time ago, I had a really 176 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,760 Speaker 2: hard conversation with Kylie and I just said to her, Honey, 177 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,840 Speaker 2: whenever you're having a bad day, which I'm grateful to 178 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,200 Speaker 2: say doesn't happen often, but whenever you're having a bad day, 179 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,440 Speaker 2: I feel responsible. I feel like it's my job to 180 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,640 Speaker 2: fix things. I feel like I need to panda to 181 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:46,240 Speaker 2: your every emotional need and want so that I can 182 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,600 Speaker 2: help you to have a good day. And it's actually 183 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:50,800 Speaker 2: not really good for me. It's quite unhealthy for me. 184 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,320 Speaker 2: It's creating this horrible interaction between this and I'm starting 185 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,160 Speaker 2: to not feel nicely towards you because this is not 186 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,520 Speaker 2: how I'm feeling, this is how you're feeling. And I 187 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:03,120 Speaker 2: remember saying to her from this point, Ford, I need 188 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:07,400 Speaker 2: you to know that I will be absolutely sad for 189 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,200 Speaker 2: you that you're having a bad day, and I will 190 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,080 Speaker 2: be absolutely supportive for you if you need something, if 191 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 2: you're having a bad day, but I'm not responsible for 192 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,160 Speaker 2: a bad day, or if I am you need to 193 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,760 Speaker 2: let me know how I'm responsible so I can do 194 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:23,000 Speaker 2: something about it. And Amantha, just that awareness that I'm 195 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:28,960 Speaker 2: not responsible for my wife's emotional challenges and I'm not 196 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,320 Speaker 2: responsible for my children's emotional challenges has helped me to 197 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,640 Speaker 2: not become intertwined with the emotional challenges and the stresses 198 00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:37,520 Speaker 2: and the dramas, which means that when they're having a 199 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,839 Speaker 2: hard time, I guess I get to sort of stand 200 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,680 Speaker 2: outside it a little bit, and I get to say, 201 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,920 Speaker 2: I can see how hard this is for you. I 202 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,120 Speaker 2: can see that today has been the worst day ever. 203 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:51,560 Speaker 2: It's horrible when X, Y or Z happens, when the 204 00:10:51,559 --> 00:10:53,000 Speaker 2: boss is mad at you, or when you get a 205 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,080 Speaker 2: traffic final, when you crash the car, as one of 206 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,280 Speaker 2: my children has done three times in the last twelve months, 207 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:01,200 Speaker 2: or how I get to have this thing where I say, 208 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:05,520 Speaker 2: this is just the worst news and it feels awful 209 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:08,640 Speaker 2: for you. So I'm right there with the empathy, and 210 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:11,480 Speaker 2: I'm right there with the kindness and the compassion, but 211 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 2: I'm not carrying the load. Instead, what I say is, 212 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,240 Speaker 2: do you need a hug or do you instant space? 213 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,199 Speaker 2: What can I do to support you? Because I'm actually 214 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:22,760 Speaker 2: having a great day, and I've got the psychological resources 215 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,439 Speaker 2: to carry us both if need be. You just let 216 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,360 Speaker 2: me know what you need and ame, I know that. 217 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:29,160 Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know how that feels for 218 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,880 Speaker 2: you to hear, but my goodness, it's been amazing for 219 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,560 Speaker 2: me by creating. I guess that distance is saying my 220 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,679 Speaker 2: buttons are my responsibility. Like some people say, oh, you're 221 00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:39,280 Speaker 2: pushing my buttons, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, they're your buttons. 222 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,640 Speaker 2: You're in charge of them. You decide whether I push 223 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,679 Speaker 2: them or not. Some people say, oh, you don't respect 224 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,559 Speaker 2: my boundaries, and I'm like, You've got to respect your boundaries, 225 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,720 Speaker 2: and then I don't have any choice but to respect them. 226 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,360 Speaker 2: What's your reaction to that? Does that sit well with 227 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,960 Speaker 2: you or does it feel like it's a harsh. I'm 228 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,840 Speaker 2: really curious to how you respond to that. 229 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,720 Speaker 1: It sits so well. You know, when you hear something 230 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,040 Speaker 1: at the right time. I feel like I needed to 231 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:04,280 Speaker 1: hear that today. That is so helpful. And you know 232 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:09,000 Speaker 1: when you hear someone share advice or an experience from 233 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 1: their own life, and your body just just relaxes and 234 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 1: untenses and it's like, yes, that that is what I 235 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:22,679 Speaker 1: need to do because I think personally, I definitely take 236 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:28,320 Speaker 1: on and feel and internalize not so much from my partner, 237 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,640 Speaker 1: but definitely from my daughter when she is stressed. I 238 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:35,640 Speaker 1: have to work so hard to do what you have 239 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:36,680 Speaker 1: just spoken about. 240 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 2: So don't get me wrong. If I've got a daughter 241 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,440 Speaker 2: who's having a hard time, I have six daughters. For 242 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:42,760 Speaker 2: those of you who are new to the podcast, I 243 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,120 Speaker 2: have six daughters. So I'm not going to talk about 244 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,640 Speaker 2: my sons because I don't have one. But when I 245 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,760 Speaker 2: have a daughter who's having a hard time, my inclination 246 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,120 Speaker 2: is to step into that hard time with them. My 247 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:58,320 Speaker 2: inclination is to carry that weight, maybe even for them. 248 00:12:58,679 --> 00:13:00,880 Speaker 2: And there are certainly times where something has happened with 249 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,200 Speaker 2: the kids and I've walked out of the room and 250 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 2: taken a breath and gone, oh boy, now I am 251 00:13:05,559 --> 00:13:08,480 Speaker 2: really stressed, and I've had to do the stuff that 252 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,320 Speaker 2: I know works for me to counter that stress. And 253 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,400 Speaker 2: you know, here's my lightning round. This is what I 254 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:19,320 Speaker 2: do when I'm really stressed. I connect with somebody who 255 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,120 Speaker 2: I can trust, who I know is going to act 256 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,080 Speaker 2: in my best interest, and I share that stress. I 257 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 2: just there's going to be someone you can talk to. 258 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:29,880 Speaker 2: And if that's not working, I exercise. There's just something 259 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,640 Speaker 2: incredible about pushing my body really hard when I'm stressed. 260 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,720 Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, it makes all of that go away. 261 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,480 Speaker 2: There are two other things that I do. I make 262 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:41,600 Speaker 2: sure I'm getting enough sleep, but I also try to 263 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,520 Speaker 2: find somewhere beautiful to go and sit, and I'll be 264 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:46,480 Speaker 2: in nature and maybe I look up at the clouds 265 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,760 Speaker 2: and the sky and the stars, and I try to 266 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:52,480 Speaker 2: pull awe into my life. Because once you realize how 267 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,480 Speaker 2: small you are in the universe, in the universe, and 268 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 2: how small this problem really is compared to all the 269 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,079 Speaker 2: other stuff that's going on, I know, it just gives 270 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,559 Speaker 2: you some perspective. Doesn't mean that it's less of a problem. 271 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:03,840 Speaker 2: It just means that you worry about it in a 272 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:07,720 Speaker 2: different way. What about you, what's your lightning round quick 273 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:08,880 Speaker 2: stress fixes? 274 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:14,239 Speaker 1: Well, here's my super quick one. And it feels almost frivolous, 275 00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:17,840 Speaker 1: like compared to sort of like you know, these like 276 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:22,480 Speaker 1: deeper emotional kind of strategies. But it's removing what I've 277 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:26,160 Speaker 1: had referred to as recurring irritance from your life. So 278 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:30,520 Speaker 1: recurring irritance things that happen regularly, maybe daily, maybe weekly, 279 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 1: maybe several times a day in your life that just 280 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:33,640 Speaker 1: make you. 281 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 2: Go, Do you mean like my phone, Like just get 282 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:38,160 Speaker 2: it out of my life for a day or two? 283 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:38,800 Speaker 2: Is that what you mean? 284 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:43,000 Speaker 1: Well, maybe your phone, but probably more specific than your phone. Like, 285 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,560 Speaker 1: let me give you an example. I first heard this 286 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 1: term recurring irritance from down Heath best selling author and 287 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,040 Speaker 1: he had a think where he works from his laptop. 288 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,120 Speaker 1: He writes a lot of books, and he works from 289 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:58,560 Speaker 1: accommodation of his home office and a cafe. And whenever 290 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:02,520 Speaker 1: he moves from working in his home office to a cafe, 291 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,600 Speaker 1: he packs up his laptop, but he also has to 292 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:09,080 Speaker 1: pack up his power cord and there's an absolute mess 293 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:10,960 Speaker 1: of power cords under his desk, so it's a bit 294 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,840 Speaker 1: of a battle to find the right one and pull 295 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: it out. And then he finally does that, crawls out 296 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,920 Speaker 1: from under the desk, puts it in his backpack, goes 297 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,400 Speaker 1: to the cafe, plugs in his laptop, does some work, 298 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,480 Speaker 1: comes home, has to battle with the cords again when 299 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,200 Speaker 1: he gets home, and this is like, this is a 300 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:28,280 Speaker 1: recurring irritant for him. It's something that's happening every day. 301 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,400 Speaker 1: And when he was writing a book about solving problems 302 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,560 Speaker 1: more upstream, like closer to the cause, getting to the 303 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:39,760 Speaker 1: root cause, it occurred to him, I can buy a 304 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:44,760 Speaker 1: second laptop charger, and that's what he did for fifty dollars. 305 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,120 Speaker 1: The irritant was removed. And I think that it's a 306 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,880 Speaker 1: really great thing to reflect on your own life, but 307 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 1: more importantly, get other people who were watching you and 308 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:58,040 Speaker 1: seeing what is irritating you to go hey, like hey, justin, 309 00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,640 Speaker 1: I always see that when you do this, you have to, 310 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,880 Speaker 1: like you know, spend an hour of your day chopping 311 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: vegetables to prepare dinner for your six kids in your life, 312 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 1: for example, Like you always seem like a bit grumpy 313 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,000 Speaker 1: doing that, Like I know your knife skills aren't the best, 314 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:13,320 Speaker 1: Like you know, maybe we could do something about that. 315 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,960 Speaker 1: Maybe we could buy pre cut vegetables, for example, from 316 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:19,120 Speaker 1: the supermarket. So just doing a bit of an audit 317 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,920 Speaker 1: of what a just those minor little things that frustrate you, 318 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:25,320 Speaker 1: because those minor frustrations can build up and can make 319 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:30,040 Speaker 1: the biggert stresses harder to manage. So remove those delegate, 320 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,000 Speaker 1: find a different solution to stop doing them. 321 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,160 Speaker 2: I'm just feeling that laptop cable thing so much, and 322 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,640 Speaker 2: I've gone and bought one. I actually have done that 323 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 2: because of that very thing, like literally when did it? 324 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 2: And oh, my goodness, it made life so much easier. 325 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:47,000 Speaker 2: You've also prompted something else in me that I know 326 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,800 Speaker 2: that I need to do to de stress, and that 327 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,920 Speaker 2: is I need more margin in my life. So I'm 328 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,280 Speaker 2: the kind of person who if I've got a meeting 329 00:16:55,640 --> 00:17:00,800 Speaker 2: at midday, I log onto that meeting at twelve because 330 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 2: I've tried to cramp so much in before the meeting 331 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,080 Speaker 2: and I'm still not ready for the meeting. Or if 332 00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:07,119 Speaker 2: I've got to be at an appointment and I've got 333 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 2: to drive there, I get there right on time. There's 334 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,600 Speaker 2: no margin in case I get a slow driver or 335 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,280 Speaker 2: a red light. And just hearing you talk about it, 336 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,680 Speaker 2: I guess it's a recurring irritant, but it leads into 337 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:22,040 Speaker 2: if your life is stressful, create some margin. I hadn't 338 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,199 Speaker 2: thought of it when we were planning this out earlier, 339 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 2: but my goodness, it makes such a difference when you 340 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:27,800 Speaker 2: can get in the car and you don't have to 341 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,000 Speaker 2: speed to get there. You can just sit there and 342 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,720 Speaker 2: drive at the speed limit and listen to a podcasts 343 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 2: or have a nice conversation and not worry. This has 344 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,960 Speaker 2: been a great conversation and it's been such a great collaboration. 345 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,959 Speaker 2: I've really enjoyed talking with you about how we can 346 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:45,000 Speaker 2: improve our well being. Amantha, thanks so much for sharing 347 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,400 Speaker 2: your wisdom and giving me the chance to do the same. 348 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,160 Speaker 1: Likewise, justin I feel like I always learned something new 349 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,200 Speaker 1: whenever we get the chance to connect. It's been a joy. 350 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:59,439 Speaker 1: Today's episode of How I Work was produced by iHeartRadio. 351 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,920 Speaker 1: If you would like more tips on how to live 352 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:07,000 Speaker 1: and work better, head to Amantha dot substack dot com 353 00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:10,400 Speaker 1: to sign up for weekly and practical tips to get 354 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,760 Speaker 1: better at life. And if you're not a subscriber of 355 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,320 Speaker 1: How I Work, simply click subscribe or follow and you 356 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:20,199 Speaker 1: will get episodes every Thursday.