Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to Ordinarily Speaking. This is part two
Speaker 1: of the episode with former football at Dane Beams. We're
Speaker 1: also about to hear from his wife Kelly, how empowering
Speaker 1: was it to own your shit?
Speaker 2: There's no other way forward without it? Can I hear it?
Speaker 1: Now?
Speaker 2: I know I probably sounded the same way, but you
Speaker 2: know I can start to sense, you know, people that
Speaker 2: are trying to help, Like you can start the sense
Speaker 2: when they're a bit of in the self pity mode
Speaker 2: and it's like almost like they're trying to blame others,
Speaker 2: and you've got to quickly stamp that out, like it's
Speaker 2: you need it, You need to take responsibility for your
Speaker 2: own actions, Like it's it's only you can change you.
Speaker 2: I eys can do that for you. Like there's lots
Speaker 2: of people out there that can help you and you know,
Speaker 2: push you in the right direction, but ultimately you are
Speaker 2: the only one that can change you. It's as simple
Speaker 2: as that. You know, I fell in the trap for
Speaker 2: a while there of you know, thinking medications are going
Speaker 2: to fix me, Thinking psychologists we're going to fix me that.
Speaker 2: Like again, they'll help you, like they'll medication will help
Speaker 2: you get out of bed to try and help yourself.
Speaker 2: It's not going to make you feel instantly better.
Speaker 1: When you say medication, you're meaning anti Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So I still take my any depressants and look,
Speaker 2: they're not like a lot of those any deepressants and
Speaker 2: medications aren't for everyone, but they help me. And that's
Speaker 2: you know, every case is individualized. But it comes down
Speaker 2: to you just doing the work. And what I mean
Speaker 2: by doing the work is just being accountable, like for
Speaker 2: your own actions, being consciously aware of what you're saying,
Speaker 2: what you're doing, you know, who you're associating yourself with.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of things that make up your recovery plan.
Speaker 2: Like it's it's very full on, I guess, and I
Speaker 2: think that I think helped me the most was like
Speaker 2: understanding myself again, like literally like going back to when
Speaker 2: I was a kid and you know, thinking about things
Speaker 2: that you know, the way I was, like okay, so
Speaker 2: like I was, I was always very you know, self
Speaker 2: conscious and would always like question my own self worth.
Speaker 2: Like when I started going back and thinking about me
Speaker 2: as a kid, like there were some things that happened
Speaker 2: to me as a kid, and it was like there
Speaker 2: were like light bulb moments where I was like holy shit,
Speaker 2: like you know, for instance, I'll give you an example,
Speaker 2: there was there was a time where, you know, I
Speaker 2: was really close with my dad, but early on d
Speaker 2: Dad had some issues, you know, Dad Dad was an
Speaker 2: alcoholic himself, Like he had his own addiction sort of issues,
Speaker 2: you know, and he got a lot lot better later
Speaker 2: on in our lives, but you know, early on, like
Speaker 2: it affected him and as a consequence, affected us. And
Speaker 2: there was a time where I, you know, I was
Speaker 2: forgotten about after school. I was I was left in
Speaker 2: a bus stop, and like that moment, you know, you
Speaker 2: start to think as a kid, like why why, Like
Speaker 2: you know, you're not consciously wherever it, but like in
Speaker 2: hindsight and looking back on it, you know, there's no coincidence.
Speaker 2: Why I was always very you know, like why isn't
Speaker 2: that person right and back to me? Or like you know,
Speaker 2: why doesn't that person love me? Like you know, it
Speaker 2: becomes like there's there's a lot of these sorts of
Speaker 2: issues that we don't even think of. Really, Like it's
Speaker 2: not until you actually start thinking about like your childhood
Speaker 2: and like how because I feel like it's the same
Speaker 2: people always say when you're gone by and I'm not
Speaker 2: a big dog person, Like I've now worked out, but
Speaker 2: I I've had about four or five different dogs.
Speaker 1: It took you five to work Yeah, it takes your
Speaker 1: while to work things out once you've worked it out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they'd always say the same thing, like, what you
Speaker 2: teach this dog in the first six months is how
Speaker 2: it's going to be for the rest of its life.
Speaker 2: And I feel like God like that that's the same
Speaker 2: with humans on a larger scale obviously, like dogies, Yeah,
Speaker 2: we live longer than dogs, But I feel like that's
Speaker 2: just the same thing, like how we're brought up. And look,
Speaker 2: there's some things that you can't parents can't control, like
Speaker 2: who you go and hang around with at school, Like yeahs,
Speaker 2: there's things like that that are you know, sort of uncontrollable.
Speaker 2: But you know, I feel like largely like your upbringing
Speaker 2: has a big part of how you look at things
Speaker 2: and how you feel about things and how you handle
Speaker 2: different situations. And that's there's there's no knock on my dad, like,
Speaker 2: you know, he made a mistake. We all make mistakes,
Speaker 2: but it's like it's about understanding how that mistake had
Speaker 2: affected me and how I could potentially deal with it
Speaker 2: and handle certain situations that might arise in my life
Speaker 2: now that may make me feel like that again. But
Speaker 2: how how I start to challenge it? And like, I
Speaker 2: think you need to understand that before you can actually
Speaker 2: challenge it. You know, the psychologists never helped me as
Speaker 2: much the drug stuff, but they helped me a lot
Speaker 2: with I guess, you know, understanding myself again and like
Speaker 2: you know, literally going back and prompting me to answer
Speaker 2: things and think about things that you know, I never
Speaker 2: would have thought of if I didn't go and get therapy.
Speaker 2: During this time, I was also had some eurocyde testing
Speaker 2: and I was diagnosed with add so not the ADHD,
Speaker 2: so I didn't have the hyperactive side of things, but
Speaker 2: you know, I had attention deficit disorder. Yeah. Like so
Speaker 2: you know, Kelly and I had had therapy and stuff before,
Speaker 2: and I really struggled to implement some of the things
Speaker 2: that our therapist was saying to me. And it wasn't
Speaker 2: because I didn't want to. And I used to say
Speaker 2: this to Kelly a lot. I was like, I just
Speaker 2: can't like concentrate. She always just to think that that
Speaker 2: was a choice that I was making, and like that
Speaker 2: I just didn't want to engage in it and I
Speaker 2: didn't want anything to do with it, but like I
Speaker 2: literally kept telling her, And it's hard until you actually
Speaker 2: sort of like have like the proof that I was
Speaker 2: actually literally just struggling to pay attention and then just
Speaker 2: knowing that helps your therapist be able to treat you
Speaker 2: differently and like what you learn best, you know, Like,
Speaker 2: so there's lots of different things that I was exposed
Speaker 2: to that I wouldn't have been if I hadn't just
Speaker 2: taken responsibility for my own life and said, like, I
Speaker 2: need to go and just figure out who the hell
Speaker 2: I am again, because you know, largely I was lost
Speaker 2: in that two years, Like I didn't know, I lost
Speaker 2: all identity with myself. I didn't know who it was anymore.
Speaker 2: And that was the best thing I did, to be honest, like,
Speaker 2: because I feel like I'm much more in touch with
Speaker 2: my own self now and I'm not perfect, like there's
Speaker 2: no way on perfect. There's still things that I need
Speaker 2: to work on, but I feel like I know what
Speaker 2: those things are now, like so I can work on them.
Speaker 1: When you reflect on your childhood and how those things
Speaker 1: with your dad shaped you, and I know, you know
Speaker 1: We've spoken many times before about how much you love
Speaker 1: your dad and he was your best mate. So I
Speaker 1: don't mean it in any negative way. But when you
Speaker 1: think about that and the impact that it had, does
Speaker 1: it make you reflect on the dad that you want
Speaker 1: to be an impact you're having on your kids, And.
Speaker 2: Look, Dad, Dad wasn't you know? Dad took responsibility for
Speaker 2: his own actions, Like I remember him telling me, like
Speaker 2: you know, just before he went, like he said to me,
Speaker 2: he said, don't make the stay mistakes that I did.
Speaker 2: He said that to me, and that stuck with me,
Speaker 2: and he didn't mean it in a bad way, like
Speaker 2: you know, like I said, everyone makes mistakes like people.
Speaker 2: You know, like I said, for the first two years
Speaker 2: of Ruby's life, like you know, I was an active
Speaker 2: drug addict, like so, we all make mistakes, and who
Speaker 2: knows how that's going to affect her later on in life.
Speaker 2: Hopefully you know, she was way too young to sort
Speaker 2: of have any memory of it, but you just never know.
Speaker 2: So you know, now I focus like on showing emotion
Speaker 2: around my kids, like so letting him know that it's
Speaker 2: okay to feel, you know, feel sad, you feel anxious,
Speaker 2: because then you can sort of chat with him about it,
Speaker 2: like pushing it aside and like showing them that it's
Speaker 2: not okay to feel these sorts of different emotions is
Speaker 2: a bit old school. Like I remember, actually there was
Speaker 2: one thing that stuck out to me as a kid.
Speaker 2: I remember being at my grandmother's funeral, dad's mum's funeral,
Speaker 2: and I always as a kid, I think I was
Speaker 2: about ten at the time, maybe even a little younger
Speaker 2: until this day, like I still like, I don't know
Speaker 2: why my dad never cried. I was like I couldn't
Speaker 2: understand how, you know, he was at his mum's funeral
Speaker 2: and he never cried. And I just think it was
Speaker 2: one of those things where back in the day, you
Speaker 2: just men didn't do that, like you just sucked it
Speaker 2: up and that was how you were. But now, like
Speaker 2: I've cried in front of my kids, they'll ask me
Speaker 2: what's wrong. You don't have to go into any detail.
Speaker 2: You just say, daddy's sad, like, and then they know, like,
Speaker 2: you know, crying and sad like they're associated. Like they
Speaker 2: start to learn these things rather than you know, walking
Speaker 2: away into my room and they they think that that's
Speaker 2: what you do, Like, you know, they start to see that,
Speaker 2: and they think that when you're feeling these sorts of emotions,
Speaker 2: you don't show them in front of anyone.
Speaker 1: That's what they're learning.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, so yeah, we always encourage our kids, and
Speaker 2: I often hear Kelly talking about like trying to really
Speaker 2: break down their emotions and talk to them about it,
Speaker 2: and she's much better at that than I am. But it's
Speaker 2: just so that, like, you know, they feel like they
Speaker 2: can literally share anything with us.
Speaker 1: What do you want your kids to say about you?
Speaker 2: I just want them to be able to come to
Speaker 2: me and literally just share anything with me. I want
Speaker 2: to be like and that's why I had kids earlier.
Speaker 2: I want to be a young parent. I want to
Speaker 2: be able to do things with my kids, you know.
Speaker 2: I want to be able to go down whatever sport
Speaker 2: you know, Carter and Ruby pick like. I want to
Speaker 2: be able to be actively involved in that, whether it's
Speaker 2: coaching or whether it's just sort of helping them or
Speaker 2: supporting them. But yeah, most of most of all, I
Speaker 2: want them to just come out with good values, like
Speaker 2: you know, decent values, and just be decent kids and
Speaker 2: like it. But you know, I wanted to look at
Speaker 2: me and just think that their dad is an honest person, honest,
Speaker 2: hard working person that did everything for them.
Speaker 1: I love that you Every time I ask you a
Speaker 1: question about your kids, your whole face lights up. You
Speaker 1: smile with this massive, beaming smile across the face, and
Speaker 1: you're not like they're just But I love that because
Speaker 1: you started this conversation by saying you were muted to
Speaker 1: all of those feelings so well, So that's why it's
Speaker 1: special to see that on your face.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like, you know, you're always going to
Speaker 2: love your kids, and I always love my kids, even
Speaker 2: when I was, you know, actively involved into destructive behaviors.
Speaker 2: But you do learn, like when you're out of those
Speaker 2: behaviors and you actually start to really feel those emotions,
Speaker 2: like it's a good feeling, Like you know, you can't
Speaker 2: that's shit, that money can't. Oh, I like, you know,
Speaker 2: that's just natural things that just feel good and make
Speaker 2: you feel good. And like all the things that you
Speaker 2: know a short term like dopamine fixes, like gambling and
Speaker 2: drug taking, and they're all just like I said, short
Speaker 2: term and they're all going to only lead to bad things.
Speaker 2: The real feel the feel good chemicals are just you know,
Speaker 2: the ones where you walk through the door and you
Speaker 2: your kids come and give your heart, like puts things
Speaker 2: in the perspective and makes things just worth it, Like
Speaker 2: you know, you get excited about coming home.
Speaker 1: I'm going to be chatting to call in a moment,
Speaker 1: but I just want to finish by asking you, are
Speaker 1: you proud of yourself?
Speaker 2: Yeah, look I am, And that's weird, like considering you
Speaker 2: know the damage that I've done, But you've got to
Speaker 2: give yourself credit where credit's due. And like, no matter
Speaker 2: who you are, you're always going to go through something
Speaker 2: challenging in your life. Like I just think I think
Speaker 2: that's inevitable, like things will be more challenging than others.
Speaker 2: But I think that everyone will go through something adversity
Speaker 2: or something challenging in their life, and it's sort of
Speaker 2: how you do. It's how you come out the other end,
Speaker 2: you know, Like I'll go through more like there's no doubt,
Speaker 2: like through my life, list full of it. So the
Speaker 2: next challenge that comes along, I just think that I'll
Speaker 2: be more resilient for it, like I've obviously there's been
Speaker 2: a history of different challenging situations that you know that
Speaker 2: I'll take different pieces from any future ones that come up,
Speaker 2: like I feel like I'll be better place to handle them.
Speaker 2: But yeah, you just you look back and you yeah,
Speaker 2: like you do feel stupid and shit about the stuff
Speaker 2: that's happened, but you've also got to be really proud
Speaker 2: of particularly where I am now, Like, yeah, it's it's
Speaker 2: been a big turnaround, and like that doesn't happen just
Speaker 2: by chance, like you know, you do have to. It's
Speaker 2: like football. You know, the better footballers do most of
Speaker 2: the time like dance on a side.
Speaker 1: They do the work.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they do the work, and there's a reason why
Speaker 2: they're the best. The people that you know that will
Speaker 2: get better and actually start flourishing in life are the
Speaker 2: ones that get off the us and just do it. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Like I said, there's there's no one that can do
Speaker 2: that for you, like you have to do it yourself.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I am proud of myself like you have to be.
Speaker 2: And for other people out there to hear that I've
Speaker 2: battled through it and gone through it and gotten out
Speaker 2: the other side of it, it should be hope for
Speaker 2: other people. And I'm always accessible and I'm always willing
Speaker 2: to help other people, and that's probably the thing that
Speaker 2: I'm most proud of.
Speaker 1: It's a very good thing to be proud of, and
Speaker 1: I appreciate you doing this podcast and being as honest
Speaker 1: as you are. We'll say what your wife has to
Speaker 1: say that are you're nervous about that?
Speaker 2: When you mentioned this to me, It's something that I
Speaker 2: always you know, whether it's the family or the partner,
Speaker 2: I feel like they always sort of almost get forgotten
Speaker 2: about a little bit. And hopefully Kelly tells yourself, like
Speaker 2: she's been able to get some therapy on the back
Speaker 2: of my own mistakes, and it's literally because of that.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of baggage that comes with dealing with
Speaker 2: someone or being with someone who's gone through a fair bit.
Speaker 2: Like you know, I feel like we're in the best
Speaker 2: place we've been in, you know, for the last twelve
Speaker 2: years now, but like like I can't just forget about
Speaker 2: like how shitty things were, and yeah, I feel like,
Speaker 2: you know, oftentimes where people the focus and the energy
Speaker 2: always goes on to the person that's I guess battling,
Speaker 2: and you know, sometimes the partner or the mom, or
Speaker 2: the dad, or the brother or the sister, they can
Speaker 2: get forgotten about. And I think that Kelly can help
Speaker 2: a lot of other people, like other wives or other
Speaker 2: husbands in these situations like that, maybe living with someone
Speaker 2: who's going through the same things that I have, and
Speaker 2: what she did or how she helped or what helped
Speaker 2: her like you know. So I feel like she's got
Speaker 2: a lot to add and she can help a lot
Speaker 2: of people herself. So hopefully, hopefully she doesn't say too.
Speaker 1: Let's get her in here, shall we. This is ordinarily
Speaker 1: speaking with Kelly Beams. Well, Kelly, this is a first.
Speaker 1: I'm getting a family member involved in ordinarily speaking. I'm
Speaker 1: quite excited about this. Thanks for joining me. That's okay.
Speaker 1: I feel nervous. Why it's just me and I'm in
Speaker 1: your house.
Speaker 3: I know, I know we're talking at the bench before
Speaker 3: and it was so fine, whereas now I'm like holding
Speaker 3: a microphone. So funny.
Speaker 1: So I've just spent you know, the best part of
Speaker 1: an hour chatting to Beansy about everything that he's been through.
Speaker 1: And I know you a little bit. I know you
Speaker 1: know Beamesy a bit over the years. But I guess
Speaker 1: the thing that most people want to know is why
Speaker 1: did you stick by him through everything?
Speaker 3: I didn't give me a choice. No, Look, I think
Speaker 3: it was so hard for so long. But so it
Speaker 3: gets to a point the more you're educated around what's
Speaker 3: actually going on, it's not really a choice, like one
Speaker 3: mental health isn't a choice, Addiction isn't a choice. Not
Speaker 3: chooses to wake up and live that sort of life,
Speaker 3: like they're literally suffering from this disease. And so I
Speaker 3: think the more I became educated about it all and
Speaker 3: just understanding of it all, you know, you're with someone
Speaker 3: because you love them, you want to support them, and
Speaker 3: you know everything else that comes with it. But yeah,
Speaker 3: I guess the more you become a little bit more
Speaker 3: educated around what's really going on for them, and you
Speaker 3: take away the factor thinking like it's you verse them
Speaker 3: or they're lying to me, they're doing it to hurt me,
Speaker 3: and it's you take away it like being a personal
Speaker 3: attack to just a symptom or you know, a side
Speaker 3: effect of this disease and stuff. So you're just there
Speaker 3: to support them really like they're struggling. You don't sort
Speaker 3: of just leave someone while they're struggling or while they're down. So, yeah,
Speaker 3: because I.
Speaker 1: Love him, how hard was it for you? Very?
Speaker 3: Very There's no one in my life that could give
Speaker 3: me advice from experience, I didn't really have or know
Speaker 3: of anyone I could reach out to and be like like, oh,
Speaker 3: what is it like, what is going on?
Speaker 1: Like? What do you do?
Speaker 3: How do you support them? How do you continue living
Speaker 3: life as normal? How do you keep this all under
Speaker 3: wraps like it's and look at the end of the day, like,
Speaker 3: I get the Danes a public figure, but this is
Speaker 3: our private life. I didn't sign up to talk my
Speaker 3: private life. Like, you know, I get there is that
Speaker 3: aspect of it all and stuff, and people always have
Speaker 3: opinions and make up something to you know, make things
Speaker 3: sound exciting or rumors. You know.
Speaker 1: I get that.
Speaker 3: I've learned to live with it, except it whatever, that's fine.
Speaker 3: But yeah, when it's your personal life just out on display,
Speaker 3: and you know, and to be struggling and something as
Speaker 3: bad as mental health like an addiction and stuff, you
Speaker 3: just have outbursts and this and that and people get
Speaker 3: a grasp of what's going on. It was so hard. God,
Speaker 3: and there's no textbook for life. There's no textbook to
Speaker 3: deal with someone with addictions and all this sort of stuff.
Speaker 3: There was. We had some good help around us. We're
Speaker 3: lucky that Dane was a part of the AFL. We
Speaker 3: did have some good help for people that you know,
Speaker 3: don't have that support, where how I feel for them,
Speaker 3: like struggling day to day dealing with I Yeah, like
Speaker 3: I just don't know how people get hied without the
Speaker 3: support that we had. And I feel like I'm a
Speaker 3: pretty grounded person. I don't I try not to judge,
Speaker 3: and you know, I just take people as they come.
Speaker 3: And so even the support that I had around me personally,
Speaker 3: like my closest friends, my family was huge, huge help.
Speaker 1: God, it must have been hard for them. Did they
Speaker 1: want you to stand by? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Yeah, Look there wasn't anyone that ever said leave him.
Speaker 3: There were definitely times where well I did leave at
Speaker 3: one point. It just, yeah, it got too much. Like
Speaker 3: obviously with addiction comes lying and betrayal, and you know,
Speaker 3: whether it was about the drugs and stuff or even
Speaker 3: the gambling, like it just it definitely takes its toll
Speaker 3: on you, Like it's so heavy, like you can't actually
Speaker 3: explain explain it. You feel like you're being betrayed every
Speaker 3: single day, every minute, you know, and then it causes
Speaker 3: a resentment and you know, all this underlying contempt and
Speaker 3: stuff that you're left to deal with after Like Dan's
Speaker 3: good now, but you know, I'm sure he still fights
Speaker 3: his struggles and stuff one hundred percent. And I take
Speaker 3: my hat off to him because he doing amazing now.
Speaker 3: But for me, it's like, well, I'm glad you're sort
Speaker 3: of passed it. But there is all this underlining sort
Speaker 3: of thing, like I guess trauma from it all. But
Speaker 3: I mean in the same way, like he deals with
Speaker 3: his things, I'm dealing with mine, and like we're just
Speaker 3: sticking by each other and supporting.
Speaker 1: Were there any moments that were harder than others that
Speaker 1: that sort of stand out to you?
Speaker 3: Oh, to be honest, it's all become a bit of
Speaker 3: a blur, and I think I've I think I've tried
Speaker 3: to raise a.
Speaker 1: Lot of it.
Speaker 3: Just moments. There were just moments you just like a
Speaker 3: mental health side, say for example, before football games. You know,
Speaker 3: he'd call me up crying, he's at the park. You
Speaker 3: can't can't move, like paralyzed almost like just couldn't function.
Speaker 3: And I remember to the game like a big game
Speaker 3: one hundred, one hundred.
Speaker 1: Fiftieth in Adelaide.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the one.
Speaker 1: Did you talk about it? We haven't spoken about it,
Speaker 1: it's previous times that I've interviewed him. And then he
Speaker 1: mentioned that it was his one hundred and fifty and
Speaker 1: there was family that had flown to Adelaide to be there,
Speaker 1: and he had an emotional breakdown before the game and
Speaker 1: had to come home.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I just remember talking to him on the
Speaker 3: phone before and so much pressure from you know, playing AFL,
Speaker 3: like people expect you to show up and perform, and
Speaker 3: I agree, like, you know, it's their job, they should
Speaker 3: be taking it professionally and stuff. But at the end
Speaker 3: of the day, he's literally human. He could be anyone's son, brother, cousin.
Speaker 3: And he just said, like, I just I can't get
Speaker 3: out there. I just know I can't perform. I'm gonna
Speaker 3: let everyone down. And I said, you're gonna let them
Speaker 3: down more if you get out there and just put
Speaker 3: on a shit show, like's just call it. We hung up,
Speaker 3: and he was just so upset, and for me, like
Speaker 3: with the mental health side of things at that point,
Speaker 3: I was just like, oh what, you know, just on
Speaker 3: edge about like he's in a really bad place, and
Speaker 3: I just he's not in a good way. Someone needs
Speaker 3: to actually go up there and be with him. He
Speaker 3: literally needs someone to put their arm around him and
Speaker 3: just care for him. Like he's not playing today, there's
Speaker 3: no way he'll get out and play. And so someone
Speaker 3: went up there and oh, noble David, that's it. Yeah,
Speaker 3: And I think he went up there and he just
Speaker 3: sort of did exactly that, and that was it. Like
Speaker 3: from that point, I think when knew things were gonna
Speaker 3: go pretty down hill, like after losing his dad, it
Speaker 3: was just he's just gonna get it off his mind,
Speaker 3: like just struggled with it big time. God, the rest
Speaker 3: just it does. It becomes such a big blur. But
Speaker 3: there's things like you know, the gambling, Like you know,
Speaker 3: he'd just come out and he'd look at me and
Speaker 3: I just thought, what now, like who how much? Sort
Speaker 3: of thing. And I remember there was one point I
Speaker 3: asked his brother Clay to come around. I just said,
Speaker 3: because I received something in the mail and it had
Speaker 3: you know, Dane's name on it and it was like
Speaker 3: a loan company and he obviously didn't think they were
Speaker 3: going to send out a letter anyway. So I opened
Speaker 3: it up and you know there's another you know so much,
Speaker 3: and I just think, oh, it was just time after time,
Speaker 3: and it was just you know, kicking the guts every time,
Speaker 3: but at the same time and knew he was just struggling.
Speaker 1: He opened up on the day that he crushed his
Speaker 1: car on purpose.
Speaker 3: Well yeah, yeah, see that's probably the biggest. Actually, that
Speaker 3: was traumatizing. I can't tell you how insane that was.
Speaker 1: Did you get a phone call or sorry, han, No,
Speaker 1: it's okay.
Speaker 3: That day he was messaging us, so I was arounded
Speaker 3: his sisters. It was coming to the afternoon and she
Speaker 3: was about she lives about half an hour away from us,
Speaker 3: and we were sitting at the park and he's going on.
Speaker 3: He was sending messages going off at his mom about
Speaker 3: you know, stuff between his mum and his dad, and
Speaker 3: then he was messaging me, and I just said, like, like,
Speaker 3: you try and be so gentle with them, like and think,
Speaker 3: you know, like just be gentle. And this day I
Speaker 3: just had enough and I was just like, you know what, enough,
Speaker 3: just fucking cut it out, you know, I just went
Speaker 3: right off. It wasn't like leaving him or anything.
Speaker 1: It was just enough.
Speaker 3: You know, you get your shit together like this, it
Speaker 3: can't go on and like and then it got to
Speaker 3: the point where his mom was like, no, no, no,
Speaker 3: like he's dolling at me goodbye and stuff. And then
Speaker 3: he and then he he started messaging me like he's
Speaker 3: goodbyes and like tell her kids, I'll always love him
Speaker 3: and you know, all this sort of stuff. And at
Speaker 3: that point, I was like, I've never had him say
Speaker 3: that to me, like never, and I was like, fuck,
Speaker 3: what did I do? Like why did I send him
Speaker 3: that message? Why did I say? Why did I say that?
Speaker 3: You know, he's struggling, but you know, and it was
Speaker 3: very rare, very rare that I would actually go off
Speaker 3: like that. And really, if you read that message and
Speaker 3: it was just to someone who wasn't struggling, it's really
Speaker 3: not that bad. But for him, you know, I don't know.
Speaker 3: And then he turned his phone off and I was like, fuck,
Speaker 3: what do you do? What do you actually do? I
Speaker 3: don't know anyone, Like, I don't know what to do.
Speaker 3: And I called the cops and I was like, quick
Speaker 3: trace his phone, do something like they tried to. And
Speaker 3: then at that point, he was driving a higher car
Speaker 3: so they couldn't even check like the East Link tolls
Speaker 3: or nothing. And I was like, where could you go?
Speaker 3: Like where could you go? I sent my sister was
Speaker 3: ten minutes from the factory like where he works, and
Speaker 3: I said, can you just go down and see if
Speaker 3: his car's out the front? I sent police there. I
Speaker 3: sent a girlfriend she was working ten minutes from her
Speaker 3: house because I can get to a house. It was
Speaker 3: forty five minutes way in traffic, and I was like,
Speaker 3: I'm just balling my eyes. I couldn't even speak on
Speaker 3: the phone to the police. It was just insane. I
Speaker 3: had the kids with me, and so I'm lucky that
Speaker 3: my mother in law and my sister in law were
Speaker 3: there and they had the kids inside. And then I
Speaker 3: sent a girl friend, you know, to call your friend
Speaker 3: and say, can you go to my house and see
Speaker 3: if my husband's home? Can you see if his car's
Speaker 3: out the front, like you know, And then she's like,
Speaker 3: you know, out of nowhere. Imagine getting a phone ca
Speaker 3: and I just didn't know what to do. And she's like, yeah,
Speaker 3: I'll be there in a minute, and you know, she's like,
Speaker 3: he's the car's not here. The door was locked. I
Speaker 3: can't see anything out of the back, like you know,
Speaker 3: through the window and stuff. And then at the factory,
Speaker 3: you know, my sister was there and she's like he's
Speaker 3: not like there's nothing here. We've broken into the you know,
Speaker 3: broken the door and stuff, but yeah, it's not hear grint,
Speaker 3: you know, So what do you do? How do you
Speaker 3: you have to literally sit there and wait for a
Speaker 3: call from someone. Anyways, we had to go report him
Speaker 3: was missing, like because of it, and they're like, you're
Speaker 3: aware that they're probably gonna put on the news and stuff,
Speaker 3: and I.
Speaker 1: Was just like, this is just fucked, you know, Like.
Speaker 3: Anyway, So I was on my way to the police
Speaker 3: station and like I had my sister in law's partner
Speaker 3: at the time driving me, and then when I got
Speaker 3: a call from the police and they were just like,
Speaker 3: you know, it's so and so and we're just to
Speaker 3: hear at the hospital with Dane. Can you Yeah, he's
Speaker 3: only asking you. He won't talk. And at this point
Speaker 3: I was so mad, You're okay, but I was ready
Speaker 3: to voculating myself.
Speaker 1: Oh I was just ow, you.
Speaker 3: Know, to me, I think, how did you do that?
Speaker 3: Or something like and I think I would never do that.
Speaker 3: But again, you've got to bring it back and look
Speaker 3: at it, like he must be in such a point
Speaker 3: because people see how and how selfish and how can
Speaker 3: you not? You know, people are that help, but these
Speaker 3: people are in a place of like ultimate struggle that
Speaker 3: we are. So if we're saying that, how do they
Speaker 3: do that? We are so lucky and privileged that we
Speaker 3: are not in that position and we will most likely
Speaker 3: never have to be like so, I just yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: and that was a hard day. That was the hardest
Speaker 3: day of my life.
Speaker 1: I would say, I just I have so much admiration
Speaker 1: for you of everything that you've for want of a
Speaker 1: better term, put up with and lived through. And because
Speaker 1: I've seen the great side of him, right, I know, yeah,
Speaker 1: I know the person that he can be.
Speaker 3: I'm literally shaking with adrenaline. Sorry, oh it's got me going.
Speaker 1: Yeah okay, but are you? Are you okay? Like for
Speaker 1: people who are listening to this, who are families of
Speaker 1: addicts and people who have gone through mental health, how
Speaker 1: are you supporting yourself through this to make sure that
Speaker 1: you know you can then support him, but that you're okay?
Speaker 1: Because yeah, kids as well, But how have you gotten
Speaker 1: through it? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Look, there's been different times where I guess I've actually
Speaker 3: learned to block my emotions out, which is not good.
Speaker 3: It's not healthy at all. But it's sort of like
Speaker 3: it was my survival mode and I too little babies
Speaker 3: I had to look after. Like it was just I
Speaker 3: didn't actually have a choice, and I guess I don't
Speaker 3: struggle for mental health or anything like that, so I
Speaker 3: was able to put myself in a position where, yeah,
Speaker 3: I guess it was survival mode and I just had
Speaker 3: to get through, get the kids sorted. There was even
Speaker 3: you know, at times, I feel like i'd sort of
Speaker 3: blocked down out, like you do you what you got
Speaker 3: to do for you, and you know, I'll do this,
Speaker 3: but yeah, again sort of had to bring it back
Speaker 3: and reminding me myself that I am there to help
Speaker 3: still support him too in regards to myself, Like I
Speaker 3: speak to a psychiatrist every two weeks. A lot of
Speaker 3: the time, I feel it's learning to manage, you know,
Speaker 3: someone with those sort of mental health it's forever going
Speaker 3: to be a continuous like managing things. But my reaction
Speaker 3: and understanding how we both feel like and I don't know,
Speaker 3: it's sort of hard to explain, but just putting an
Speaker 3: all together and getting through life on a daily basis.
Speaker 3: I just see her and it's seriously, oh god, it
Speaker 3: makes them feel so much better after talking to her.
Speaker 3: She's just you know, it's like a light bulb moment
Speaker 3: every time, and I would highly recommend you highly recommend it.
Speaker 3: You know it can be expensive, but you know you'd
Speaker 3: rather put my money there doing that and living happily
Speaker 3: than spending the money getting my nails or you know
Speaker 3: something else that people do to fill up their cup.
Speaker 3: This is huge, like to go speak to someone, have
Speaker 3: these light bulb moments, get it off your chest, learn,
Speaker 3: educate yourself how to react differently, like you know, i'd
Speaker 3: just say respond rather than react, you know the difference
Speaker 3: between that one. Yeah, it's just little things like that.
Speaker 3: That's you know, they're the little things and they make
Speaker 3: so much sense to like or knowing when you know
Speaker 3: you're emotionally flooded or feelings and you just need to
Speaker 3: stop because going back and forth is not going to
Speaker 3: get you anywhere. It's just going to get worse in
Speaker 3: going around in circles. So literally stop, take a breather,
Speaker 3: and come back, and it's just little things. It just
Speaker 3: gets you through.
Speaker 1: Have you forgiven him? Yeah? I have.
Speaker 3: Unfortunately, like there's still resentment there with everything. You know,
Speaker 3: you just think, fuck, like what could have you know,
Speaker 3: I don't know, you do you think what could have been?
Speaker 3: But at the same time those thoughts come, you know,
Speaker 3: they come through my mind and they accept pretty quickly too,
Speaker 3: because we're still living comfortably, like we're still lucky. We've
Speaker 3: got everything we have we you know, and Dane's worked
Speaker 3: so hard to sort of get back to a position
Speaker 3: where he can support us as a family. I've been
Speaker 3: so lucky. I've been able to, you know, work part
Speaker 3: time and only you know, just maybe go full time
Speaker 3: next year or something once Web starts school. But I've
Speaker 3: been able to spend so much time with the kids
Speaker 3: and stuff. So, you know, as much as I support him,
Speaker 3: he supports us too.
Speaker 1: Is that would your advice then be for people, make
Speaker 1: sure you get your own head and I guess accept
Speaker 1: the feelings and then you know, let them go as
Speaker 1: they come by. Is that way you're sort of saying, like,
Speaker 1: acknowledge them, but don't dwell on them more. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, I mean it's you know, I guess easier said
Speaker 3: than done. Yeah, but yeah, you'll find your way to manage.
Speaker 3: It kind of goes on like a cycle. You feel
Speaker 3: a bit of anger and then you feel this and
Speaker 3: you feel that and just kind of cycles. And yeah,
Speaker 3: but I definitely say get out, like go speak to someone,
Speaker 3: open up to someone that's close to you. You know,
Speaker 3: I have an amazing friend who I can speak with,
Speaker 3: and you know, she studied law and mediation and stuff
Speaker 3: and she's so fantastic. She's such a fens hitter when
Speaker 3: it comes to me talking about Dane or anything in
Speaker 3: life anything. And yeah, like I'm so lucky that I
Speaker 3: haven't had people around me saying just leave him, just
Speaker 3: leave him too hard basket, you know, like at the
Speaker 3: end of the day, like I'm want our family tore
Speaker 3: that's the father of my kids, and you know, like
Speaker 3: we can make a great life together. So you know,
Speaker 3: like it could have been the easy way out. And
Speaker 3: we've definitely had our struggles where we have been a part,
Speaker 3: you know, for small amounts of periods and stuff, but
Speaker 3: you work through it. Sometimes you just need that space,
Speaker 3: you know, and then you might come back together.
Speaker 2: So are you.
Speaker 1: Stronger for it?
Speaker 3: Absolutely? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I like I say, this is the first
Speaker 1: time I've had a family member, but I just I
Speaker 1: thought it would be really important to hear the other
Speaker 1: side of it because I think people hear day inside
Speaker 1: of the story and yeah, wonder what you think, Wonder
Speaker 1: how you feel. And like I said, I'm lucky enough
Speaker 1: that I've had a couple of conversations with you, so
Speaker 1: I just think you're a bloody saint. You're just a
Speaker 1: wonderful person and a great mum. But I'm really genuinely
Speaker 1: happy to see you two both in a really good space.
Speaker 1: And you smile when I say that. I feel like
Speaker 1: you've both just worked your ass off and you've got
Speaker 1: into a space where you're happy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, one hundred percent we are. We're feeling good. It's
Speaker 3: nice change. Thanks girl, no worries, Thank you some time.
Speaker 1: Thanks to Dane and particularly to his wife Kelly for
Speaker 1: being so honest. If this episode was triggering for you,
Speaker 1: please know there is help out there. Beyond blue dot org,
Speaker 1: dot au or Lifeline one three, double one one four
Speaker 1: are just a couple of places you can go, and
Speaker 1: your episode will drop next week. If you like the podcast,
Speaker 1: please hit subscribe and tell your mates want me go.