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Speaker 1: Today a question with the difference. This time we're dealing

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Speaker 1: with older kids, in fact, adult kids. Because every Tuesday

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Speaker 1: on the Happy Families Podcast, we answer your tricky questions

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Speaker 1: about what to do when things are challenging at home,

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Speaker 1: family relationships, well being, screens, discipline, the works. That's what

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Speaker 1: we talk about every Tuesday with tricky questions. Welcome to

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Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast, Real parenting solutions every day. It

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Speaker 1: is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast where Justin and Kylie Coulson.

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Speaker 1: We don't get to talk about grown up kids very often,

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Speaker 1: but today that's where we're going. A question from Lucy

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Speaker 1: who says this, My twenty year old university's student daughter

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Speaker 1: really enjoys posting photos of herself with friends on Instagram

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Speaker 1: and Facebook. These photos are usually quote sexy party girl,

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Speaker 1: close quote poses. Her accounts of public She has about

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Speaker 1: twenty five hundred followers on Instagram about five hundred friends

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Speaker 1: on Facebook. Husband and I concerned that her quote sexy

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Speaker 1: party girl, close quote poses will be a disadvantage to

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Speaker 1: her character and her future employment. We're planning to discuss

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Speaker 1: this with our daughter. What should we say. I really

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Speaker 1: want to support my adult child. Your support is so

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Speaker 1: much appreciated. Thanks so much, Lucy. All Right, Kylie, we

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Speaker 1: haven't been in this exact situation, but it's a bit

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Speaker 1: of a tricky one.

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Speaker 2: The word that jumps out at me as you were

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Speaker 2: reading was support, And I guess my question is does

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Speaker 2: her daughter feel like she needs support?

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Speaker 1: I love tricky questions and I love your insight here.

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Speaker 1: When our children, regardless of whether they're teenagers or toddlers

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Speaker 1: or young adults as in this particular scenario, when they're

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Speaker 1: doing things that we as parents see as being unwise

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Speaker 1: or unsafe or unhealthy, our instinct is to stay and

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Speaker 1: fix correct And because we've done it for so long,

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Speaker 1: that makes sense, right. But now we're talking about a

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Speaker 1: young adult. We're talking about somebody who's twenty years old.

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Speaker 1: She's got a big girl pants on. Now she is

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Speaker 1: a grown up, and she wants to make her own decisions.

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Speaker 1: Is she fully mature neurologically? Is she cognitively and emotionally

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Speaker 1: where she needs to be to have the perspective that

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Speaker 1: she should have?

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Speaker 2: Does she recognize how her choices may impact her in

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Speaker 2: the future.

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Speaker 1: Correct answer is no. Of all of those questions, No,

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Speaker 1: she doesn't but my first central response to this is

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Speaker 1: our kids, especially as they move into late adolescents in

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Speaker 1: early adulthood, they prize their autonomy so highly. They have

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Speaker 1: an enormous desire for autonomy, and when we as parents

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Speaker 1: try to step in and make corrections and offer directions,

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Speaker 1: they perceive that as force, and force creates resistance. This

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Speaker 1: is the kind of thing that can does will rupture

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Speaker 1: the relationship if you can't let it go.

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Speaker 2: When our eldest daughter decided that she was no longer

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Speaker 2: going to follow the rules of our home and was

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Speaker 2: going to blaze a trail through the jungle in all

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Speaker 2: its claws, she.

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Speaker 1: Was asserting her independence, and.

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Speaker 2: We decided that she definitely needed our support, she definitely

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Speaker 2: needed our help. And one day she came to me

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Speaker 2: and she just said, Mum, I've always been that kid.

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Speaker 2: If you tell me that the stove's hot and I

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Speaker 2: need to be careful or I need to stay away

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Speaker 2: from it, I'm the kid who wants to feel it

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Speaker 2: because I want to know what hot feels like. She's

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Speaker 2: just that kid. She's hands on, she wants to experience

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Speaker 2: it for herself, and then she goes out, you're right,

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Speaker 2: yea oh, whoops. But she got to make her own choice.

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Speaker 2: She got to experience it. And as frustrating as that

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Speaker 2: is being a parent who can see the train just

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Speaker 2: about to happen, there is something so profound that happens

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Speaker 2: for our kids when they feel like we trust they

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Speaker 2: can make good choices for themselves.

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Speaker 1: Essentially, when I think about this situation, the second point

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Speaker 1: that I would make is drop the agenda. You've got

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Speaker 1: a child who is now an adult. Well, you don't

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Speaker 1: agree with everything that your child does. You probably won't

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Speaker 1: now for the rest of their life. They're a big person,

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Speaker 1: they're a grown up, and even if their brain isn't

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Speaker 1: quite where you'd like it to be, and even if

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Speaker 1: the decisions aren't quite what you'd like them to be,

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Speaker 1: our experience with our own adult children has been to

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Speaker 1: drop the agenda and focus on connection. The great irony

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Speaker 1: is that the more you connect, the more open your

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Speaker 1: child will be to hearing how you feel about things

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Speaker 1: and wanting to invite you into their world. Whereas the

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Speaker 1: more that you tell them what to do, the more

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Speaker 1: you are agenda driven, the more you feel like you

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Speaker 1: need to guide them along their adult life, the more

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Speaker 1: they start to resist you. Stay away from you, see

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Speaker 1: sharing things with you.

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Speaker 2: And the only reason you're so smart, you're so wise,

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Speaker 2: is because you've had your own years and years of experience.

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Speaker 2: You've actually made some really poor choices in your time,

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Speaker 2: and you've learnt from them, and our kids need the

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Speaker 2: same opportunity. Recently, I was talking with a young woman

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Speaker 2: and she shared with me that her boyfriend's parents are constantly, like,

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Speaker 2: every time they have a conversation, they're trying to tell

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Speaker 2: them how to live their lives right, and she just

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Speaker 2: she's so infuriated by it. And then she looked at

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Speaker 2: me and she said, you know, I'm so grateful that

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Speaker 2: even though I know my parents aren't happy with some

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Speaker 2: of the decisions I make, that they have allowed me

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Speaker 2: to make them. And you said it from the very beginning.

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Speaker 2: Our kids, and especially our young adults, want autonomy more

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Speaker 2: than anything.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Like, it's literally like air to them, Oxygen.

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Speaker 1: Bon Jovi saying it, it's my life, Billy Joel saying

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Speaker 1: it as well, I don't care what you say anymore.

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Speaker 1: This is my life. Like this has been a repetitive

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Speaker 1: theme of youth and young adulthood for decades, centuries, probably

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Speaker 1: for Millennia. They want to be able to make their

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Speaker 1: own choices and not have parental agendas. They just want

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Speaker 1: parental engagement and relationship. So I would say connection is key.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and that connection only deepens and strengthens when there

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Speaker 2: is no agenda. When you are able to sit down

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Speaker 2: with your child and just be happy to be with

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Speaker 2: them in their space, find out how their day was,

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Speaker 2: find out how the party went, enjoy being together. You

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Speaker 2: have got more opportunity for influence in their life because

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Speaker 2: they will come to you, right, They will come to

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Speaker 2: you instead of you going to them.

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Speaker 1: After the break. Two more quick ideas that can wrap

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Speaker 1: this up, knock it on the head and make it

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Speaker 1: easy for Lucy and anyone else is raising. And by

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Speaker 1: the way, this is relevant not just for young adults.

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Speaker 1: It's also relevant parents of teens and even younger kids.

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Speaker 1: Two more solutions after the break, Okay, Kylie, Two more

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Speaker 1: solutions to help Lucy. I need to highlight we're not

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Speaker 1: suggesting that Lucy is being controlling about everything her daughter

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Speaker 1: is doing. We're not suggesting that she's being forceful and

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Speaker 1: creating resistance and being super controlling across the board.

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Speaker 2: All of the things that she's suggested, are completely and

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Speaker 2: utterly appropriate. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Reasonable. I mean, you're a parent, you care about your child,

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Speaker 1: you want your child to do well. My last two

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Speaker 1: ideas are really simple. Number one, if you do want

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Speaker 1: to share something, if you want to provide some guidance,

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Speaker 1: if you believe that you have some especially important inside

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Speaker 1: that your child absolutely must receive right now. In spite

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Speaker 1: of the fact that they are an adult, they do

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Speaker 1: have a brain and they can figure this stuff out

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Speaker 1: for themselves eventually, because your wisdom might just save them

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Speaker 1: from making an unsafe, for an unhealthy or unwise decision.

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Speaker 1: Get permission before you share the idea. I just say, hey,

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about a tricky thing and I

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Speaker 1: want to share a couple of ideas with you. Would

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Speaker 1: you be okay with that?

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Speaker 2: I love the question you ask our kids. You often

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Speaker 2: will just say to them, are you open to me

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Speaker 2: sharing with you some thoughts? And that question that opener, yeah,

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Speaker 2: taps into their autonomy in such a powerful way.

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Speaker 1: Well, they become open to it right when they say yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm open. What have you got? What are you thinking?

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Speaker 1: Then you can step in really gently and say, well,

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Speaker 1: as I think about this particular situation. Here's what I'm

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Speaker 1: concerned about, and I had a thought about it, and

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Speaker 1: you can share that thought they go. They might still

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Speaker 1: dismiss it, but at least they're giving you a gentle

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Speaker 1: open hearing as opposed to you need to.

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Speaker 2: But the wonderful thing is you've created a space where

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Speaker 2: they are open. So even though they may not in

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Speaker 2: that moment except want or even take it on board,

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Speaker 2: you've planted a seed and there will come a point where,

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Speaker 2: if you are actually right, there will come a point

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Speaker 2: where they'll be doing something and they'll be like, huh,

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Speaker 2: I'm said blah blah blah blah blah. Maybe I don't

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Speaker 2: want to do this, just photo and post it.

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Speaker 1: This one might be a bit much and it might.

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Speaker 2: Take years, it might take weeks. It doesn't matter. It's

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Speaker 2: the fact that they're open to having that conversation and

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Speaker 2: they recognize and know that while you've shared it with them,

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Speaker 2: your love hasn't changed, your desire to connect hasn't changed,

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Speaker 2: and you're always there, but you respect their autonomy.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I'm wrapping this up with some stats. According to

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Speaker 1: the Harvard Business Review, around about seventy percent of employers

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Speaker 1: do check the social media feeds of their prospective employees.

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Speaker 2: This kind of blows my mind a little bit.

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Speaker 1: It feels like it's just big brother is watching it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so we're not in that corporate world. We're not experiencing that.

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Speaker 1: So it feels really foreign. But the reality is that's

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Speaker 1: happening in Australia. It happens in the US, it happens

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Speaker 1: in the UK. This is a thing. If I'm a recruiter,

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Speaker 1: I want to make sure that the person I'm recruiting

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Speaker 1: is a good cultural fit. And as part of my

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Speaker 1: screening process, I'm going to check their social media to

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Speaker 1: see who they are, what do they show about themselves,

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Speaker 1: do they sit well culturally with what we're trying to

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Speaker 1: create in our business. And so I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: say that this is definitely going to be an impediment

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Speaker 1: for Lucy's daughter. But when you can show up with

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Speaker 1: a conversation like this and say, hey, why don't we

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Speaker 1: just have a check, let's see if this is a

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Speaker 1: real thing, Like maybe I'm being alarmist, maybe I'm being

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Speaker 1: over the top, And then you jump onto HBr and

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Speaker 1: realize that Harvard researchers have discovered that seventy percent of

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Speaker 1: employers are checking potential employees via their Facebook, Instagram, TikTok whatever.

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Speaker 2: They're just going to find a wholy bit bad hairdoo

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Speaker 2: is from ten or fifteen years ago when it comes

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Speaker 2: to maybe.

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Speaker 1: But this adds a little bit of weight and credence.

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Speaker 1: Is this is not a parent shouting at the cloud

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Speaker 1: saying what are you doing the World's going to end.

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Speaker 1: This is somebody with some credibility saying your mum and

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Speaker 1: dad might be onto something here. Again, you're not looking

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Speaker 1: for an instant commitment. You're not looking for instant change.

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Speaker 1: You're not presenting this as the solution. You're trying to

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Speaker 1: offer some perspective with consent while respecting autonomy. Do that

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Speaker 1: and you're probably going to have a much better relationship

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Speaker 1: with your child because you're making the relationship central rather

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Speaker 1: than you being the parent who has to be right

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Speaker 1: all the time.

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Speaker 2: So take home messages from today. Autonomy is key. Force

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Speaker 2: creates resistance and therefore hurts our relationships with our children.

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Speaker 2: Connection is imperative, and lastly.

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Speaker 1: Get consent before you share stuff. Just make sure that

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Speaker 1: the kids are on board with you opening your mouth

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Speaker 1: and telling them how to live their lives, because if

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Speaker 1: they're not, you're going to rupture the relationship and potentially

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Speaker 1: push them in exactly the opposite direction. I mean, our

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Speaker 1: adult kids have said to us at times, the fact

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Speaker 1: that you've just asked me to do that makes me

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Speaker 1: not want to do it, and I'm like, oh my goodness,

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Speaker 1: this is hard, Lucy. We really hope that's helpful. Thank

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Speaker 1: you so much for asking your tricky question. You can

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Speaker 1: send your tricky questions to us via Happy families dot

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Speaker 1: com dot au. We prefer the voice notes. I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna lie like the emails are great, but we really

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Speaker 1: do prefer the voice notes. Just jump on a happy

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Speaker 1: families dot com dot au, scroll down to where the

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Speaker 1: podcasts section is and push the button and start talking.

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Speaker 1: It's literally that simple, and we want your voice on

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Speaker 1: the pod. You can also email voice notes to podcasts

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Speaker 1: that's podcasts with an SS at happy families dot com

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Speaker 1: dot au. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin

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Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media, and if you'd like more information

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Speaker 1: and more resources to make your family happier, visit us

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Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot A.

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Speaker 2: You