WEBVTT - ASK UNCUT - More than the cleaner bargained for 0:00:00.880 --> 0:00:05.280 Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout 0:00:05.320 --> 0:00:09.080 Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:11.959 pay our respect to their elders past and present and 0:00:12.039 --> 0:00:15.280 extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Island 0:00:15.360 --> 0:00:16.120 peoples today. 0:00:16.320 --> 0:00:19.560 This episode is recorded on Gaddigal Land of the Aurora Nation. 0:00:40.159 --> 0:00:43.720 Hi guys, I'm welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. 0:00:43.800 --> 0:00:48.159 I'm Laura. My name happens to be This is not Brittany, 0:00:48.520 --> 0:00:51.199 but she will be back next week. No, she is. 0:00:51.280 --> 0:00:52.840 She's back on Tuesday's episode. 0:00:53.080 --> 0:00:53.880 Is that confirmed? 0:00:53.960 --> 0:00:57.680 It's confirmed? Well, like yes, she said so, so I'm 0:00:57.680 --> 0:01:00.920 going to believe everything she says. You are looking a 0:01:00.920 --> 0:01:02.400 little bit tired me. 0:01:04.120 --> 0:01:08.240 And you, my friend, look like shit. Thanks so much. 0:01:08.720 --> 0:01:09.640 That's so kind of you. 0:01:09.800 --> 0:01:10.959 Oh you're welcome, darling. 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:14.080 I'm a little bit sick right now. Oh and yet 0:01:14.560 --> 0:01:18.200 I will go and persevere through this podcast record because 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:20.959 I love Life and Cut and those fans out there 0:01:21.160 --> 0:01:23.119 who want to listen to a man's perspective. 0:01:23.280 --> 0:01:25.360 Just to start this off with a tiff, we're having 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:27.960 a bit of a tiff because now that Matt's sick, 0:01:28.200 --> 0:01:30.720 he wants sympathy. But I was sick all last week 0:01:30.840 --> 0:01:33.399 and I got zero sympathy. None. 0:01:33.800 --> 0:01:35.400 My goodness. 0:01:35.720 --> 0:01:36.679 Well, it's the truth. 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:40.120 I do not want any sympathy. In fact, far from it. 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:43.040 I am. I did the shopping yesterday. 0:01:43.360 --> 0:01:46.000 You woke up sick today. You went sick yesterday. 0:01:46.000 --> 0:01:50.080 I I've been sick for three days. Please, But when 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:54.880 you're sick, when you're sick, you had these moments where 0:01:54.960 --> 0:01:57.400 you know, it's like it wasn't that you weren't that sick. 0:01:57.560 --> 0:02:00.200 I was deathly on deathbed and had to continue. 0:01:59.800 --> 0:02:05.640 To this is how sick you sounded. 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:12.520 Amen. I'm not feeling good right now. I'm getting better 0:02:12.560 --> 0:02:16.360 blurred vision, and I've started talking with an American accent, 0:02:17.960 --> 0:02:21.320 and I'd be like, shut up, shut up and feed 0:02:21.360 --> 0:02:21.799 the kids. 0:02:22.639 --> 0:02:22.919 Yeah. 0:02:23.120 --> 0:02:24.760 That there's a lot of sympathy, a lot of love. 0:02:25.160 --> 0:02:27.080 We do this to each other, though, whenever, like the 0:02:27.120 --> 0:02:29.919 other person's sick, unless they're actually unless it's like visibly 0:02:30.280 --> 0:02:32.320 they can't get out of bed sick, we don't have 0:02:32.440 --> 0:02:34.600 the amount of sympathy that the other person's supposed to 0:02:34.600 --> 0:02:36.640 have because the other person's just always a bit annoyed 0:02:36.639 --> 0:02:38.200 by the back that they got sick. 0:02:39.240 --> 0:02:40.880 Yeah, you'd have to lose a finger for me to 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:42.160 seriously give you some sympathy. 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:43.760 Well, it's kind of like when you're at work and 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:47.280 somebody who you quite depend on calls in sick, and 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:48.960 then it just means that you have to do more work. 0:02:48.960 --> 0:02:50.799 It's the same thing in parenting, like when you call 0:02:50.880 --> 0:02:52.760 in sick to parenting, I'm like, a fuck, now I've 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:53.400 got to do it all. 0:02:53.440 --> 0:02:56.320 And yet I have not called in sick. I've rocked up. 0:02:56.680 --> 0:02:59.240 And not only am I helping with the kids, I've 0:02:59.240 --> 0:03:02.239 put the washing on. I'm also working on a podcast 0:03:02.400 --> 0:03:03.720 which I do not get paid for. 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:05.720 Well I do. I do pay you in coffee. I 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:08.040 mean leads us into our sponsor of today's episode. 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:10.680 I would take advantage of the fact that I love coffee. 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:12.720 You're like, come over here, you'll get a kuppa, and 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:13.560 I'm like, I'll do it. 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:15.840 I'll do anything for the smell of a cup of coffee. 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:17.079 But I do want to say a very big thank 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:19.840 you to Starbucks at Home, who have been a long 0:03:19.919 --> 0:03:22.000 term partner of the podcast, but who have made this 0:03:22.080 --> 0:03:26.040 episode possible. Starbucks at Home offers three signature roasts and 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:29.679 intensities blonde, medium, and dark. So no matter how you 0:03:29.840 --> 0:03:33.120 like your coffee, whether it's smooth and creamy or roasting intense, 0:03:33.200 --> 0:03:34.400 you can make the perfect cup. 0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:36.600 Yeah, and if you want to up your coffee confidence, 0:03:36.720 --> 0:03:38.000 check out Starbucks at home. 0:03:38.200 --> 0:03:40.120 Now, I just want to say thank you to everybody 0:03:40.120 --> 0:03:43.280 who's written in questions for Mattie Jay and also me, 0:03:43.400 --> 0:03:45.960 but mostly for matt to answer from a man's perspective. 0:03:46.520 --> 0:03:48.200 Before we do that, can I just tell a story 0:03:48.200 --> 0:03:50.360 of how you totally screwed me over the the other day, 0:03:51.840 --> 0:03:54.880 absolutely stitched me up? Was that on purpose? Was that 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:55.480 on purpose? 0:03:55.880 --> 0:03:58.720 No? And I forgot and it wasn't. I would never 0:03:58.880 --> 0:04:01.560 intentionally try and embarrass. 0:04:01.120 --> 0:04:02.520 You, Okay. 0:04:02.640 --> 0:04:04.480 I mean it does make good content, though, doesn't it. 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:07.480 I feel like this was all orchestrated to just get 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:08.200 some content for. 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:12.040 The podcast, Like we're running low. Things are really dry 0:04:12.080 --> 0:04:14.600 this week. How can I fuck up MAT's life? 0:04:14.920 --> 0:04:17.839 We have quite a messy house at the moment, and 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:20.080 we just did it a little bit of help. 0:04:20.160 --> 0:04:22.560 Well we don't now because the cleaner has come and 0:04:22.600 --> 0:04:24.440 now it's looking immaculate. 0:04:24.520 --> 0:04:27.240 It looks fantastic. She did a very good job, so 0:04:27.240 --> 0:04:28.960 she may be a little bit traumatized, and I don't 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:30.800 know if she'll ever come back, but she did a 0:04:30.839 --> 0:04:31.360 very good job. 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:33.920 It'd be a shame because she's a very good cleaner. 0:04:33.839 --> 0:04:36.920 Such a great cleaner. So the other day Laura and 0:04:37.000 --> 0:04:39.080 I were talking. It had been a little while since 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:41.159 we have had some intimate time. 0:04:41.320 --> 0:04:43.440 Look, this might be too much information, but it's been 0:04:44.040 --> 0:04:49.320 what had been three weeks at least it's been three weeks, 0:04:49.360 --> 0:04:51.400 which is a long time. But I got sick, have 0:04:51.520 --> 0:04:54.560 my period. Likely, look too much information, but it's been 0:04:54.560 --> 0:04:55.039 three weeks. 0:04:55.080 --> 0:04:58.960 It was time to enjoy each other's company, and I 0:04:59.040 --> 0:04:59.719 was very excited. 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:02.520 I couldn't breathe because of my sinuses. Everything was blocked. 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:05.040 I couldn't. I can't kiss you when I have blocked sinuses. 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:07.679 You don't need to kiss me. That's absolutely fine. 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:11.080 Take that off the list, non essential, non critical. 0:05:13.080 --> 0:05:15.320 I'm fine with that. It does feel a little bit strange. 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:17.440 I think we have had sex before, we haven't kissed 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:17.920 each other. 0:05:17.839 --> 0:05:20.720 Yeah, because I've like when I get perio or dermatitis, 0:05:20.720 --> 0:05:22.599 I can't kiss you. Also, if I've just put my 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:24.240 creams on, don't want to kiss you either. 0:05:24.400 --> 0:05:25.240 Totally understand. 0:05:25.400 --> 0:05:26.599 Yeah, fordy woman style. 0:05:26.680 --> 0:05:29.320 Fine, Yeah, these are conditions which I'm like, yeah, we 0:05:29.360 --> 0:05:34.160 will still proceed, proceed to the root. So Laura was 0:05:34.200 --> 0:05:36.040 talking to me. She'd mentioned that she was coming home 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:39.120 early from work. I was at home working hard, obviously, and. 0:05:39.080 --> 0:05:41.159 We had been texting throughout the day. 0:05:41.120 --> 0:05:43.480 Because it was all at this point in your life, 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:46.520 sex is normally quite premeditated. It's not just some like 0:05:46.680 --> 0:05:48.720 off the cuff spur of the moment, Oh my gosh, 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:51.159 let's do it right now. It's like little. 0:05:50.839 --> 0:05:53.159 Times, but it's not like that when you've got two 0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:55.760 very small children, like we've got toddlers. Like things are 0:05:55.800 --> 0:05:57.440 a little bit more scheduled these days. 0:05:57.600 --> 0:05:59.520 Yeah, we had to like have a meeting to schedule 0:05:59.560 --> 0:06:01.640 in when we would have sex over the next course 0:06:01.680 --> 0:06:02.640 of a few months. 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:05.640 It's like written in the diary, like three pm sexy 0:06:05.680 --> 0:06:06.360 tm oh. 0:06:06.440 --> 0:06:08.440 I know. I did not forget about it. And I 0:06:08.480 --> 0:06:10.440 was like, Laura, just reminding you that we have sex 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:13.960 this afternoon. Whatever you were doing, canceled and come home. 0:06:14.560 --> 0:06:16.119 I'd prefer this one not to be over zoom. 0:06:19.120 --> 0:06:22.040 So I was primed and ready, and I thought, primed. 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:23.520 And ready, what were you doing. 0:06:24.040 --> 0:06:25.120 Greasing myself up. 0:06:25.160 --> 0:06:27.520 You were just you were in your underwear, which is 0:06:27.560 --> 0:06:29.040 like I thought it would be sexy. 0:06:28.760 --> 0:06:29.279 But you did. 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:30.760 It's not like you were when you say you were 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:32.440 primed and ready. It wasn't like you were walking around 0:06:32.440 --> 0:06:34.520 with a rock hard bone. You were just you were 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:37.560 just in your undies, which you could have been at 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:40.039 any point during the day. You often just walk around 0:06:40.080 --> 0:06:40.560 your rundies. 0:06:41.200 --> 0:06:44.960 True. True. So I was at home, he's a jingling 0:06:45.000 --> 0:06:49.120 at the door. My initial instinct is, ah, she's here. 0:06:49.200 --> 0:06:52.160 And let's just let me just preface this before I 0:06:52.200 --> 0:06:54.640 gave Matt a kind of a window of time as 0:06:54.640 --> 0:06:56.200 to when I would be home. I said I'd be 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:57.839 home an hour before we had to go pick the 0:06:57.920 --> 0:07:00.799 kids up. This was earlier than that hour. 0:07:01.000 --> 0:07:03.719 I was sitting at the door like a puppy waiting 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:05.880 for their owner to come home. In that window, I 0:07:05.880 --> 0:07:09.960 didn't do anything else. TV was off, phone was put away. 0:07:12.960 --> 0:07:15.000 But I thought, who else could it be but Laura 0:07:15.160 --> 0:07:15.640 at the door? 0:07:15.720 --> 0:07:16.360 The keys. 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:18.320 There was never any question in my mind that it 0:07:18.400 --> 0:07:22.080 wasn't going to be you, although I was wrong. So 0:07:22.240 --> 0:07:26.080 as I hear the keys jingling whilst I'm in my undies, 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:29.880 I spring up. You know, this is this is my moment. 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:32.600 I go like, grab the door handle, I fling open 0:07:32.640 --> 0:07:37.400 the door, greet my fiance. And it's not Laura. It's 0:07:37.720 --> 0:07:41.720 it's Paula. Paula the cleaner who's holding a vacuum and 0:07:41.760 --> 0:07:42.560 a mop bucket. 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:45.120 She's lovely, so nice. 0:07:45.480 --> 0:07:45.680 Vine. 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:48.160 Can I just say, Paula, if you're listening, you are 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:51.280 an absolute angel of a woman and a great cleaner. 0:07:52.640 --> 0:07:53.480 What did she say? 0:07:53.680 --> 0:07:55.440 She was looking at me, I was looking at her, 0:07:55.480 --> 0:07:58.160 and I there was just this pause where I was 0:07:58.160 --> 0:08:00.480 trying to like, I was trying to compute what happening 0:08:00.600 --> 0:08:02.520 because I was expecting it to be you. 0:08:02.600 --> 0:08:04.400 And you're like, oh, well this will do. Come on. 0:08:10.200 --> 0:08:11.680 So I have said that. 0:08:13.760 --> 0:08:17.000 She didn't know what was going on, but she gave 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:17.720 her a great tip. 0:08:18.040 --> 0:08:19.960 Not good to find out that that's what happened. 0:08:20.000 --> 0:08:22.920 No, look, no, I just said I just said hello, 0:08:23.120 --> 0:08:25.360 and she's she's like, I'm here to clean the house. 0:08:25.360 --> 0:08:28.800 And I said, give me a second, put some clothes on. 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:31.480 And then I was like, just we're going to pretend 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:33.800 that never happened. And I was like, well, yeah, this 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:36.000 is the living room and it's quite dirty. And you know, 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:39.720 here's here's everything else, and I'm just gonna lock myself 0:08:39.720 --> 0:08:40.240 in my bedroom. 0:08:40.360 --> 0:08:41.719 I should have just said to her, sorry, I was 0:08:41.760 --> 0:08:42.760 just folding my pants. 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:45.640 Yeah, in hindsight, you know, I could have said, I'm 0:08:45.679 --> 0:08:49.439 just doing the washing, and she maybe I could have 0:08:49.440 --> 0:08:54.600 explained the erections. I should have just said, look, it's 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:56.400 been six months, sin, I've had sex with my wife. 0:08:56.559 --> 0:08:59.599 She's you how many seconds? I apologize? 0:09:00.160 --> 0:09:03.720 To be fair, I had forgotten that Paula had also 0:09:03.720 --> 0:09:05.400 given me a window of time as to when she 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:07.319 would come and clean the house. It was organized a 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:09.960 week earlier. I had been very busy, and I completely 0:09:09.960 --> 0:09:11.480 forgot completely for that was. 0:09:11.640 --> 0:09:12.720 So unlike you, Laura. 0:09:12.840 --> 0:09:15.600 It truly wasn't an intentional key. 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:18.360 Details Anyway, I don't know Paula will be back. We 0:09:18.400 --> 0:09:20.680 didn't have sex. It was a disaster. 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:21.920 Maybe tonight's night. 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:26.120 Though you say that every time, don't tease me like 0:09:26.200 --> 0:09:29.480 that you always okay? Can I just say at this 0:09:29.600 --> 0:09:32.800 hour of the day you often say, well, hey to Nat, 0:09:32.880 --> 0:09:33.280 could be. 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:36.360 A lot can happen between eleven am and seven pm 0:09:36.360 --> 0:09:38.959 at night. If a lot can happen, a lot changes. 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:41.559 If you play your cards about young man. You may 0:09:41.600 --> 0:09:44.800 be in luck and then come eight o'clock, I'm tired. 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:47.360 You look at me as if you know I'm asking 0:09:47.440 --> 0:09:48.400 you to run a marathon. 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:49.960 You literally are. 0:09:50.280 --> 0:09:52.360 I want you to spread to one hundred meters, you 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:55.000 know all I need one hundred meters. It'll be over 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:59.120 in ten point five seconds. It's not going to be 0:10:00.000 --> 0:10:01.680 three and a half hours for you to endure. 0:10:02.240 --> 0:10:04.640 Anyway. Let's let's move on to the next thing. But 0:10:05.040 --> 0:10:07.600 maybe tonight, No tonight, I've got an event on it 0:10:07.600 --> 0:10:13.560 tomorrow night, maybe this afternoon, maybe before the kids come 0:10:13.600 --> 0:10:17.280 home and Paula arrives. 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:19.800 She's booked in, she's booked in for round two. 0:10:20.280 --> 0:10:21.880 Okay, I have something that I want to talk to 0:10:21.920 --> 0:10:24.040 you about before we get into answering all your deep, 0:10:24.080 --> 0:10:26.160 dark and your burning questions. And that's because I read 0:10:26.160 --> 0:10:29.240 this yesterday and I truly couldn't believe what I was reading. 0:10:29.280 --> 0:10:32.199 To be honest, there is a man in the UK. 0:10:32.640 --> 0:10:36.680 He has been jailed, sentenced to thirty four months in prison. 0:10:37.360 --> 0:10:38.440 That's more than two years. 0:10:39.080 --> 0:10:42.520 Yeah, that's that's that's serious, like assault with the deadly weapon. 0:10:42.880 --> 0:10:46.960 No, no, well maybe okay, this is this is the 0:10:47.040 --> 0:10:52.679 article Matthew Hopgood good name hap Good. Sorry, Matthew hop Good. 0:10:53.160 --> 0:10:57.559 Matthew Hopwood out they go get the name wrong. Sorry, 0:10:57.640 --> 0:11:00.839 because you said the name. Second said the name wrong. 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:03.120 I'm going to edit that so the first name that 0:11:03.160 --> 0:11:06.160 you said. He would be listening going, oh my gosh, 0:11:06.400 --> 0:11:09.720 they've got to out me and my crimes. Stop but 0:11:09.760 --> 0:11:10.360 it's Hapwood. 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:12.160 Shut up. I'm not going to edit all that out. 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:14.000 You're just making me leave it in there. 0:11:14.400 --> 0:11:15.000 People will laugh. 0:11:15.080 --> 0:11:22.120 Shut up, Okay, Okay, Matthew Hapen, Matthew Hapgood. According to 0:11:22.200 --> 0:11:27.319 several news reports, Matthew hat Good, stop laughing. You don't 0:11:27.360 --> 0:11:32.760 even know. Why are you laughing when you don't even 0:11:32.800 --> 0:11:33.440 know the story? 0:11:33.600 --> 0:11:34.640 Yeah, that's funny already. 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:36.520 Okay, Matthew Hapgood. 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:40.560 According we get the name. 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:47.200 According to several news reports, Matthew Hapgood was apprehended for shotlifting. 0:11:47.360 --> 0:11:50.280 On March twenty first. The forty one year old man 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:53.120 was arrested for nicking thirty three pounds worth of beer 0:11:53.200 --> 0:11:54.319 and cider from Tesco. 0:11:54.760 --> 0:11:56.280 Not that much, is it. If you're going to rub 0:11:56.280 --> 0:11:57.440 a store, at least do a good job. 0:11:57.520 --> 0:11:59.360 Yeap, that's not what he got arrested. This is not 0:11:59.400 --> 0:12:02.400 what he was in and four during the course of 0:12:02.440 --> 0:12:11.719 his arrest, Hapgod farted in the officer's face. He has 0:12:11.800 --> 0:12:14.559 been put in prison for thirty two months. That's more 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:18.800 than two years for cupcaking a police on this sake? 0:12:19.360 --> 0:12:20.120 Did he cupcake? 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:22.040 I don't think he. I don't think he caught it 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:23.760 in his hand and put it over the guy's mouth. 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:26.160 He did it. He farthered directly in the guy's face. 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:29.520 I'm sure that's quite that's quite a severe sentence. This 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:34.520 mustn't have been his first time doing this. The judges 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:37.120 like U, ma re Peter Fender. Yeah, Matthew, is it 0:12:37.679 --> 0:12:40.600 faring and cupcaking again? This is the fifth time. 0:12:40.880 --> 0:12:43.680 I do find the name very amusing in this, though, Matthew, 0:12:43.800 --> 0:12:47.000 someone else's Look, if we were going to sentence you 0:12:47.080 --> 0:12:49.080 for all of the farts that you've done, it would 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:50.640 probably be a life sentence, wouldn't it. 0:12:51.559 --> 0:12:54.000 Oh, don't drag me into this. I don't put me 0:12:54.040 --> 0:12:56.040 in the same category as Matthew Hapwood. 0:12:56.200 --> 0:13:00.000 Also, though, look, I understand I understand spitting in off 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:02.559 office's face. I know that that is like a disgusting 0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:05.600 like it is, that is prison time. But I feel 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:08.120 like farts are often involuntary. Like what if he was 0:13:08.200 --> 0:13:12.080 pitying him and he was being handcuffed and the guy 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:13.800 just out of surprise, the. 0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:15.400 Reader we had for lunch was all of a sudden 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:16.440 making him a little bit gassy. 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:18.440 Oh, maybe he was squishing him when he was arresting 0:13:18.480 --> 0:13:21.719 him or something, and he squshed it out like. 0:13:21.720 --> 0:13:23.080 He put pressure on his lower back. 0:13:23.200 --> 0:13:26.320 Yeah, it just popped out. We've all had an accident before, and. 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:29.960 The police officers like, that's a salt. It could have 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:30.959 been an accidental fart. 0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:33.280 It could have been an accident. I also think like, 0:13:33.400 --> 0:13:36.560 in that moment, how do you intentionally fart? That's what 0:13:36.600 --> 0:13:39.000 I really want to know. How do you go, you 0:13:39.040 --> 0:13:41.520 know what, I'm gonna fucking show you. I Am gonna 0:13:41.520 --> 0:13:43.160 fart on demand in your face. 0:13:43.280 --> 0:13:46.560 Unless he was like trying to be arrested, hands behind 0:13:46.600 --> 0:13:49.439 the back and then Matthew wraps his legs around the 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:53.360 police officer's face and then goes mmm on his face, 0:13:53.600 --> 0:13:55.520 like that could have That could be seen to be intentional. 0:13:55.600 --> 0:13:57.280 It could be seen to be intentional. 0:13:57.960 --> 0:14:00.520 But I always wonder what would the conversation like in 0:14:00.559 --> 0:14:03.000 prison when you know, obviously the cell mates are talking 0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:05.800 about the crimes that they've done in someone's like attempted murder, 0:14:05.880 --> 0:14:09.760 you know, assault, And then Matthew's like, I'm a fart. 0:14:10.440 --> 0:14:12.800 That's why I'm here, because I've fart on people's faces. 0:14:15.520 --> 0:14:18.679 He's a hardened criminal. Well, look a big shout out 0:14:18.679 --> 0:14:21.920 to our men and women in blue out there giving. 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:25.280 Us dealing with all the things that are thrown at 0:14:25.320 --> 0:14:30.200 them or forced upon them. Oh, do should we get 0:14:30.200 --> 0:14:30.840 into the questions? 0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:32.040 Let's do the question all right? 0:14:32.080 --> 0:14:34.360 Okay, thank you to everybody who's written in questions for 0:14:34.360 --> 0:14:37.160 today's episode. It is very nice to have you here. 0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:39.880 Matthew Johnson a man's perspective, and I thought we should 0:14:39.960 --> 0:14:42.040 kick it off. Actually, do you know what? We get 0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:44.840 so many sex questions when you're on the podcast, Like 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:47.040 people are really they want to know about our sex life. 0:14:47.040 --> 0:14:49.040 But I feel like we've established that it's just not that. 0:14:49.040 --> 0:14:51.040 Wild at the moment, not that much happening. 0:14:51.040 --> 0:14:52.760 There's not that much happening, So I don't know why 0:14:52.760 --> 0:14:54.200 people are so interested in it. But I've got a 0:14:54.280 --> 0:14:58.440 question for you. Is it okay to masturbate while your 0:14:58.480 --> 0:14:59.400 partner is at home? 0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:03.080 I don't think I have mas No, that's a lie, I. 0:15:03.040 --> 0:15:09.400 Have wait, where was I asleep? 0:15:09.640 --> 0:15:09.840 Ah? 0:15:09.920 --> 0:15:12.520 That's different. Yeah, Like you're not going to wake me 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:14.320 up and be like are you are you? How are 0:15:14.320 --> 0:15:15.240 you feeling? Are you ready for it? 0:15:15.280 --> 0:15:16.200 I have done that before. 0:15:16.560 --> 0:15:17.560 Yeah, and that's fine. 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:19.720 You're like, shut up, but I mean, come back. 0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:24.680 If someone's asleep and your horny, maybe having a shower whatever, Like, yeah, 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:26.240 I get it. I think that's no problem. 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:28.560 I think I think the question that you could ask 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:32.400 is is it okay to masturbate whilst your partner is 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:34.280 in the same house and awake? 0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:37.840 Okay, let's make it that question then. And you haven't 0:15:37.920 --> 0:15:41.200 propositioned them for sex. You've just you've already just completely 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:43.080 ruled out the option of having sex with them, and 0:15:43.120 --> 0:15:44.480 you're just like, I'd rather do it myself. 0:15:44.480 --> 0:15:45.600 What about if you have your period? 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:46.760 What do you mean? 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:48.600 Well, I know you don't like to have sex on 0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:49.040 your period. 0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:50.440 I can have sex with my period. You don't like 0:15:50.480 --> 0:15:51.320 having sex with my period? 0:15:51.320 --> 0:15:53.080 Oh my god, do not put this on me. 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:55.320 I don't mind, is it? 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:59.640 What what are we doing for five years? 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:00.320 Ah? 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:02.640 I always thought I thought you didn't. 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:05.080 No, you have literally said to me before, so it's 0:16:05.080 --> 0:16:08.880 not my favorite I did say, yeah you did, But 0:16:08.920 --> 0:16:10.720 now you're like, I'll take it. 0:16:10.800 --> 0:16:16.480 I don't care whatever, let's do it. I think it's fine. 0:16:16.560 --> 0:16:20.400 I think the issue would be if if I knew 0:16:20.400 --> 0:16:22.240 that you were in a position where you were wanting 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:27.080 to have sex, and I rejected that option in favor 0:16:27.080 --> 0:16:27.880 of masturbating. 0:16:28.120 --> 0:16:30.680 Yeah, I totally agree. I think, of course it's fine. 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:32.680 You've got body autonomy. Do what you want with your 0:16:32.680 --> 0:16:34.240 own body, when you want it. You don't have to 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:38.320 ask for permission. But if your sex life is already affected, 0:16:38.400 --> 0:16:41.480 like if there's if one person is feeling undesired, or 0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:44.440 they're wanting more sex, or they're wanting just you know, 0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:48.040 more intimacy from you, and then you're opting to masturbate 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:50.720 without even having a conversation with them or bringing them 0:16:50.720 --> 0:16:52.560 in on that, And then I think that probably is 0:16:52.600 --> 0:16:54.960 a red flag for a greater issue. But if you 0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:56.920 have a great and healthy sex life, you shouldn't take 0:16:56.960 --> 0:16:59.360 offense to the fact that your partner wants to also masturbate. 0:16:59.400 --> 0:17:01.360 I don't think it. I don't think that that needs 0:17:01.360 --> 0:17:03.040 to be a reflection that there's something wrong. 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:05.280 I think some people would take it to offense because 0:17:05.280 --> 0:17:07.920 it does feel like, I guess a sense of rejection 0:17:08.200 --> 0:17:11.120 that an act which should be done with your partner, 0:17:11.760 --> 0:17:14.040 you're favoring doing it in isolation. 0:17:14.400 --> 0:17:16.639 Yeah, But also it shouldn't just be done with your partner, 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:19.800 Like I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to not 0:17:20.000 --> 0:17:22.960 have the full commitment that say, like to have sex. 0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:26.399 Obviously there's more involved, it's more effort, it's more energy, 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:29.639 it's more everything. If you're just okay, look, you know, 0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:31.760 gotta just rub one out before I go to sleep. 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:34.119 I don't think that that's a big deal so long 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:36.520 as it's not affecting your actual sex life. And if 0:17:36.560 --> 0:17:38.320 it is affecting your sex life, and that's a very 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:41.280 different conversation, and then that's where it becomes a problem. 0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:43.879 But I guess you won't know that unless you have 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:45.720 a bit of an open conversation about it, and you 0:17:45.760 --> 0:17:48.760 can also talk to your partner and say, like, you know, 0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:51.000 would it offend you if I did this in the 0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:53.280