1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:05,519 Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. 2 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:07,040 Speaker 2: It's the podcast for. 3 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,119 Speaker 1: The time poor parent who just wants answers. 4 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 2: Now. Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson. Welcome to the 5 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,160 Speaker 2: Happy Families Podcast. We're so glad to have you here. 6 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:17,239 Speaker 2: I'm here with Kylie, my wife and mom to our 7 00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 2: six daughters. Kylie. Normally, on a Monday, we don't do this, 8 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:26,000 Speaker 2: but we received an email to podcasts at happyfamilies dot 9 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,720 Speaker 2: com dot you. We prefer voice messages from happy families 10 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 2: dot com dot you on the podcast's link. You just 11 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,920 Speaker 2: press the button and talk to us. That's what we prefer. 12 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:37,960 Speaker 2: But this was such a good question that even though 13 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,760 Speaker 2: it came y ourn email, we decided we were going 14 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:44,000 Speaker 2: to answer it today. Anyway, tomorrow normal questions as per usual, 15 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 2: but today a question from somebody who is really struggling, 16 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,000 Speaker 2: and I thought it would be good to have you 17 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,760 Speaker 2: involved in the conversation as well. Why don't you. 18 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,320 Speaker 1: Listen because I actually thought you had written this question. 19 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,440 Speaker 2: No, no, no, this comes from someone called Krinne. It 20 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,200 Speaker 2: was Karinn who asked the question, not me. 21 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:05,440 Speaker 1: Kaarem said, we're currently facing difficulties with our ten year 22 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:05,800 Speaker 1: old daughter. 23 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,679 Speaker 2: Now I know why you thought that I wrote that. 24 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,679 Speaker 1: She's exhibiting a strong sense of stubbornness, particularly when it 25 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:15,959 Speaker 1: comes to setting boundaries. Instead of engaging in discussions about 26 00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:19,480 Speaker 1: why we've established certain limits, she reacts with screaming an 27 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:23,080 Speaker 1: outright refusal to listen. Even when we attempt to discuss 28 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:27,320 Speaker 1: the matter calmly, she becomes defensive and refuses to communicate. 29 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,800 Speaker 1: We're open to hearing her perspective and providing her with autonomy, 30 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,319 Speaker 1: but she seems unwilling to engage in dialogue. Despite our 31 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,360 Speaker 1: efforts to address the issue at a more suitable time, 32 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:42,360 Speaker 1: she persists in avoiding the conversation altogether. She often responds 33 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:45,039 Speaker 1: with I just want to be left alone. We're trying 34 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,560 Speaker 1: to build connection to enable these conversations, but she just 35 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: doesn't want to connect. We're seeking guidance on how to 36 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:55,000 Speaker 1: effectively communicate with her and navigate these challenging moments. 37 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,040 Speaker 2: Okay, so what do you do when the three e's 38 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,600 Speaker 2: don't work? Kylie? For those who are not familiar with 39 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,800 Speaker 2: the three is of effective discipline, this is a model 40 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,160 Speaker 2: that I developed about ten years ago now, maybe more 41 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 2: based on the work that's been done in self determination theory. 42 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,440 Speaker 2: Where we're trying to support children's basic psychological needs. And 43 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:18,040 Speaker 2: the way we do that, of course, is by having 44 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,840 Speaker 2: them to feel like there is a positive relationship between 45 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,000 Speaker 2: the two of us, says connection, by helping them to 46 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,520 Speaker 2: identify how they can be competent, by giving them a 47 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 2: reasonable structure for how to move forward, and by supporting 48 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,760 Speaker 2: their autonomy, that is, by giving them the opportunity to 49 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:36,120 Speaker 2: develop solutions that are in harmony with their values. And 50 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:37,840 Speaker 2: this is the critical thing. A lot of people think 51 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:41,520 Speaker 2: that autonomy means giving the kids free rein but autonomy 52 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,800 Speaker 2: means that I'm acting volitionally. I know what I value, 53 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 2: I know what's important. I'm acting in that direction. We've 54 00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:52,000 Speaker 2: got kids who from time to time have made it 55 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 2: very clear that they don't want to engage in a 56 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:59,240 Speaker 2: three ease conversation. They don't want us to explore their 57 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 2: world explain. We expect and empower them to find solutions. 58 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 2: That's what the THREEE model is because it supports those 59 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:09,160 Speaker 2: basic psychological needs before we dive into any of the 60 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:13,120 Speaker 2: answers that I've started to put together for this podcast, 61 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,440 Speaker 2: what's your typical response when the kids don't want to 62 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,359 Speaker 2: dive into a three e's conversation with us. 63 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:23,600 Speaker 1: Over the years, I have discovered that time is a 64 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:30,440 Speaker 1: really important friend. With these conversations, Allowing our kids the 65 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:33,160 Speaker 1: space that they need to kind of just have some 66 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 1: time away is important, but it's also important for me 67 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,280 Speaker 1: as well. I get really really caught up in wanting 68 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: to fix things in the moment without recognizing that sometimes 69 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,080 Speaker 1: things don't get fixed in the moment. 70 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,880 Speaker 2: Right and the whole thing there. Really, this is pretty 71 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 2: much where I was going to go anyway, and I'm 72 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,120 Speaker 2: so glad that you said it. Fundamentally, the reason that 73 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:59,240 Speaker 2: we need to give enough time and not always fix 74 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,160 Speaker 2: things in the here and now right here, We've got 75 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,600 Speaker 2: to talk about it, we've got to sort it out. 76 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,640 Speaker 2: We need to know where we're going from this point on. 77 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 2: The reason is that equation that I developed a number 78 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,680 Speaker 2: of years ago as well, which is that high emotions 79 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,280 Speaker 2: equals low intelligence. That is, the more emotional you are, 80 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,280 Speaker 2: the more stupid you are. And that's what happens with 81 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 2: our kids, and it happens with us. The more emotional 82 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,480 Speaker 2: we get, the less able we are to have a 83 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:25,039 Speaker 2: reasonable conversation and find solutions. And ultimately, what we're trying 84 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,839 Speaker 2: to do is that's what discipline is, right. Discipline ultimately 85 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,680 Speaker 2: is helping the kids to find appropriate solutions so that 86 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:34,120 Speaker 2: we don't keep on having these these challenges and these difficulties. 87 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,000 Speaker 1: So I guess, as an add on to that, the 88 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:41,000 Speaker 1: acknowledgment is that sometimes time is a few minutes, sometimes 89 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,760 Speaker 1: it's a few hours, sometimes it's a few days, and 90 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,159 Speaker 1: sometimes it's a few weeks. 91 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, you've kind of skipped to the very bottom of 92 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,760 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, like of all the things that I've got, 93 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:53,919 Speaker 2: So here's my wrap up, let's go straight to the 94 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,880 Speaker 2: end and then we'll sort of fill in the middle. 95 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,200 Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I mean the three things that I was 96 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 2: going to say at number one. You don't have to 97 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,440 Speaker 2: do the three e's all the time. Like sometimes it's 98 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:04,680 Speaker 2: okay to step in his parents say, I'd love to 99 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,279 Speaker 2: explore and explain it in the power, but this is 100 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:08,720 Speaker 2: just what we need to do. And as the parent, 101 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,320 Speaker 2: I'm going to be the prefrontal cortex and I'm just 102 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,440 Speaker 2: going to make this stuff happen. Okay, we don't want 103 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,000 Speaker 2: to do that very often, but from time to time, 104 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,760 Speaker 2: as a parent, you just do have to be the mean, 105 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 2: cranky parent that gets stuff done. 106 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,120 Speaker 1: But I don't even think it's about being mean and 107 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:23,919 Speaker 1: kind of being forceful in the conversation. 108 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 2: I use the wrong words. It's really about holding a boundary. 109 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,200 Speaker 2: Sometimes as a parent, you just have to say, I 110 00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:28,800 Speaker 2: know you're sad, I know you don't want to do this, 111 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,440 Speaker 2: but this needs to be done. 112 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,800 Speaker 1: Some conversations are just hard, right They're hard. They're hard 113 00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:37,200 Speaker 1: as an adult, let alone being a child. And the 114 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,560 Speaker 1: acknowledgment for me as a mum is I know you 115 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,039 Speaker 1: don't want to have this conversation, but when we're part 116 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:47,120 Speaker 1: of a family, sometimes we have to do these hard things. 117 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: And I love how our family feels when we do X, 118 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,760 Speaker 1: Y and Z, But right now it doesn't feel great. 119 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,599 Speaker 1: Can you think about why it doesn't feel great and 120 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,240 Speaker 1: how we might work together to make it feel great again? 121 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,839 Speaker 2: And again. If you've got really high emotion, that's probably 122 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,320 Speaker 2: not going to work well because the kids are not 123 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,880 Speaker 2: going to play the game, they're not going to get 124 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,040 Speaker 2: involved in it. But so long as emotions are lower, 125 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,039 Speaker 2: you can definitely do that. I guess my point really though, 126 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,080 Speaker 2: is you don't have to always do three is if 127 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:17,359 Speaker 2: you did, you would be exhausted, and so saying the 128 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,680 Speaker 2: second point, though, is you can do the threes in 129 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,240 Speaker 2: thirty seconds. It doesn't have to be a long drawn 130 00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 2: out session. So so long as emotions are cool, you 131 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,560 Speaker 2: can say, all right, I know that you don't want 132 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,159 Speaker 2: to clean up the house. I know that it just 133 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,800 Speaker 2: feels like it's so burdensome. Is there anything else? Like, 134 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 2: is there any other reason that you just don't want 135 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,360 Speaker 2: to be participating in helping right now? And listen, But 136 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,359 Speaker 2: because I want to play games? Okay, I get it. 137 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 2: Everyone wants to play games. That's fair enough. We need 138 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,839 Speaker 2: to work together. Now you've gone from explore to explain 139 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,359 Speaker 2: we need to work together. What do you think we 140 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 2: can do to make this happen in a way that 141 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 2: we can all feel good about it, Like you can 142 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,880 Speaker 2: get that done in thirty seconds, in twenty seconds. It 143 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,839 Speaker 2: just takes practice. And this is the big thing with 144 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,000 Speaker 2: the three e'es or any other parenting model. Everything takes 145 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,720 Speaker 2: practice compared to yelling, time out, smacking and doing the 146 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,720 Speaker 2: old old school style of parenting. 147 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,800 Speaker 1: Yeah. So with our ten year old, one of the 148 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,839 Speaker 1: conversation pieces I have with her is I want you 149 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,560 Speaker 1: to be able to do that too. We've just got 150 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,960 Speaker 1: to get this done. So how can we work together 151 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:11,880 Speaker 1: to get this done quickly so you can get back 152 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 1: to that. 153 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,720 Speaker 2: And so long as she's not emotional, we get good responses. 154 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,520 Speaker 2: If she is emotional, it takes four hours. Yes, And 155 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,040 Speaker 2: I think that's the reality, right. You said this already. 156 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,240 Speaker 2: But as I said, the very last point that I 157 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 2: was going to make in this podcast, and we're making 158 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,080 Speaker 2: it sort of halfway through, is sometimes it will take 159 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:33,040 Speaker 2: weeks or more to get a resolution because emotions can 160 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:36,800 Speaker 2: be really big. And while the process is not flawed, 161 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:40,040 Speaker 2: our practice is, and our brains are, and our emotions are, 162 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,120 Speaker 2: and our children are, and we are Therefore. I remember 163 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,360 Speaker 2: one of the big blops that we had in our 164 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:48,920 Speaker 2: home without firstborn, when she was only about thirteen or fourteen, 165 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 2: revolved around her dishonesty with technology use, and she lost 166 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,360 Speaker 2: her access to devices for a little while until we 167 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,120 Speaker 2: were able to resolve the issue. She was so emotional 168 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,160 Speaker 2: every time we talked about it, and I would say, 169 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,680 Speaker 2: we can't have the conversation when you're emotional. Let's try 170 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 2: again tomorrow, and I reckon it took three months. Maybe 171 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,760 Speaker 2: it wasn't that long, maybe it was six weeks, but whatever, 172 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,640 Speaker 2: it was. It took a long time before she was 173 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 2: finally able to regulate her emotions enough to have a 174 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 2: conversation sensibly where we could come up with a solution 175 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,880 Speaker 2: that we could feel good about. I think this is 176 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,680 Speaker 2: the critical thing, Like, our kids need time to digest it. 177 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 2: They need time to work out what they value, especially 178 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 2: especially if you're dealing with neurodivergent kids, right like if 179 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 2: neudiversity is in your home, the new concepts and new 180 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 2: ideas can take a long time to digest. There's a 181 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:37,240 Speaker 2: lot of rigidity, there's a lot of certainty, there's a 182 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:40,680 Speaker 2: lot of my way or no way going black and white, absolutely, 183 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 2: and so we've just got to be willing to sit 184 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,400 Speaker 2: in that uncomfortable space and wait for the kids to 185 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,160 Speaker 2: work through this, to figure this stuff out. 186 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,559 Speaker 1: There are a couple of other things you did want 187 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,960 Speaker 1: to talk about, but I stole you under and we're 188 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,160 Speaker 1: kind of started from the end to the beginning again, 189 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 1: so let's have a chat about them. I think one 190 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,920 Speaker 1: of the most important things that I have learned with 191 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:06,319 Speaker 1: our ten year old specifically, is information overload. I have 192 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,319 Speaker 1: conversations with her and I think it's really clear, and 193 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,040 Speaker 1: you know, pretty concise the things that I want her 194 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: to understand, and she has gotten so good at articulating, 195 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,199 Speaker 1: and she will say in those moments, Mum, you're talking 196 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,439 Speaker 1: too much. Like literally, those are her words, Mum, you're 197 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,959 Speaker 1: talking too much. I can't I can't take it all in. 198 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:29,880 Speaker 1: And at that point she's pretty she's pretty intense overloaded. 199 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 1: But I really appreciate that she's able to say it, 200 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,600 Speaker 1: because when she says it, I go, oh, take a 201 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,319 Speaker 1: step back. Okay, let's let's let's go back to the beginning, 202 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 1: or let's just leave things for a little while. You 203 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,480 Speaker 1: need some time to regulate. I need some time to 204 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,440 Speaker 1: give you a hug, whatever it takes, so that we 205 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,120 Speaker 1: don't have that emotional overload. 206 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,000 Speaker 2: So the short version of what you just said is 207 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,760 Speaker 2: be really clear in your own mind about what you 208 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,280 Speaker 2: want to communicate, and then get in and out as 209 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:59,040 Speaker 2: fast as you can felt like it to be is more, 210 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,760 Speaker 2: don't give too much information. A couple of other things, 211 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,840 Speaker 2: be okay with your kids being uncomfortable, and be okay 212 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,960 Speaker 2: with being a bit uncomfortable yourself. Sometimes as a parent, 213 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,240 Speaker 2: you just do have to hold back ground until your 214 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:15,240 Speaker 2: child gets the point. Kids need limits, boundaries, structure, framework 215 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:18,720 Speaker 2: systems to follow so that they can feel confident and safe, 216 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,880 Speaker 2: and if they're pushing against that, it's normal, that's what 217 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,880 Speaker 2: they do. Be okay with their discomfort. You don't have 218 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,080 Speaker 2: to fix their emotions early in our relationship. I'm not 219 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,320 Speaker 2: too early. Sort of a dozen years ago or something. 220 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:32,440 Speaker 2: I remember saying to you, I'm not going to be 221 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 2: upset just because you are, and that I could have 222 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,199 Speaker 2: said it nicer. I didn't say it the best way possible. 223 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,960 Speaker 2: I kind of blew it that way. But what I 224 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 2: was essentially saying is I'm not responsible for whether you 225 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,400 Speaker 2: feel lousy or not, because I wasn't in that case. 226 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 2: It's not like I'd done something. You were just having 227 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,319 Speaker 2: a blue sort of week. Therefore, I'm not going to 228 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,280 Speaker 2: feel bad because you're feeling bad. I'm going to be 229 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,120 Speaker 2: supportive and loving and caring and empathic and I want 230 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,320 Speaker 2: you to feel good. But if you're having a bad day, 231 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,840 Speaker 2: I'm not going to let that ruin mine. 232 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,600 Speaker 1: So I'm going to kind of just twist your words 233 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 1: a little bit there. Because the one thing that I 234 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:06,120 Speaker 1: really felt so important, and it's something that was not 235 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:10,000 Speaker 1: modeled to me as a child, but the acknowledgment that 236 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:14,240 Speaker 1: when our children are in those hard spaces and there 237 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:17,720 Speaker 1: is a misalignment in values as we kind of navigate 238 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,800 Speaker 1: this challenge, whatever it happens to be the most important 239 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,840 Speaker 1: thing we can do is turn towards our children. 240 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 2: So I sound like it wasn't very validating. 241 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 1: Your acknowledgment was I'm not going to let your upset 242 00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:35,840 Speaker 1: or your uncomfortability and whatever emotion you're dealing with change 243 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,920 Speaker 1: the way I interact with you. And that's exactly what 244 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: it was. It was, I'm not going to let your sad, 245 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:46,040 Speaker 1: your whatever, your heaviness infiltrate the way I feel about 246 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:50,160 Speaker 1: me specifically, and therefore it allows me to love you 247 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:52,920 Speaker 1: the way I do all the time. 248 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,520 Speaker 2: You said, that's so much better than me. Yeah, the 249 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,480 Speaker 2: whole day was I love you like crazy. I'm so 250 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,880 Speaker 2: sorry that you're going through this, and I'm absolutely here, 251 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,440 Speaker 2: But once I leave the room, I'm going to go 252 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,440 Speaker 2: and get on with my stuff my way, because I 253 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,080 Speaker 2: can't be weighed down by it. 254 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,200 Speaker 1: Yeah. And we talk about emotions being contagious, right, and 255 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:12,360 Speaker 1: it's so easy for us to catch our children's emotions 256 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,400 Speaker 1: and vice versa. And when our kids are in this 257 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:19,440 Speaker 1: difficult place. How often our knee jerk reaction is to 258 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 1: meet their emotions with more intensity. Yeah, but what they 259 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,440 Speaker 1: actually need to know is that no matter what's going on, 260 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,199 Speaker 1: no matter how many times we have to sit down 261 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,480 Speaker 1: and have this hard conversation, no matter how many times 262 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,520 Speaker 1: we sit down, we don't get to the end of 263 00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:36,720 Speaker 1: the conversation. I'm going to love you, and I'm going 264 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:37,480 Speaker 1: to keep loving you. 265 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,440 Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, love that. Let's wrap this up. I think 266 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:43,439 Speaker 2: it's fairly common with not just oppositional kids, but kids 267 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 2: in general. Their instinct is to go with what they know, 268 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,120 Speaker 2: to reject anything that we're saying, especially if it's new information, 269 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 2: and they have to really feel like it is their 270 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,880 Speaker 2: choice to get on board with a new idea or not. 271 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,040 Speaker 2: So if you're not getting anywhere at all with the 272 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,240 Speaker 2: three e's, it's probably because your child is still feeling 273 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,960 Speaker 2: coerced or still feeling emotional. So trying to argue the 274 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 2: pros and cons and trying to have a really logically 275 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 2: engagement with them is just not going to work. We 276 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,720 Speaker 2: need to make gentle suggestions. We need to listen and 277 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,000 Speaker 2: then back away and give them time to suggest these 278 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,760 Speaker 2: conversations usually don't have to be fully resolved in the 279 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,440 Speaker 2: moment on the spot. We really hope that that's been helpful. 280 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:19,720 Speaker 1: Corinth. 281 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 2: Thanks so much for your question. More answers to more 282 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,959 Speaker 2: questions tomorrow on the Happy Families podcast, which is produced 283 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,600 Speaker 2: by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our 284 00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:31,440 Speaker 2: executive producer. If you'd like more and fo about making 285 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,840 Speaker 2: your family happy, I visitors at happy families dot com 286 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:34,319 Speaker 2: dot au.