1 00:00:05,559 --> 00:00:08,280 Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's Podcast with doctor Justin Kilson. 2 00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,800 Speaker 1: We are Lukin, Susie, and this is the podcast for 3 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: time poor parents who just want answers. 4 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:17,160 Speaker 2: Now, this one we're looking at today is about teaching 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:18,040 Speaker 2: our children to be. 6 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:20,880 Speaker 1: Respectful kids these days. 7 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,160 Speaker 2: Su Well, this is the line that goes around. 8 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:25,200 Speaker 1: Isn't that I was their age? It's our doctor Justin. 9 00:00:25,239 --> 00:00:26,040 Speaker 1: Welcome to the show. 10 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,200 Speaker 3: Hi Luke, Hi Susie. 11 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:29,800 Speaker 1: Have you ever said it? Have you ever thought it? 12 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Have you ever felt it that kids were losing losing 13 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:33,160 Speaker 1: the art of respect today? 14 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:35,839 Speaker 3: No, because I know how much of a rat bag 15 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:41,600 Speaker 3: I was when I was Yeah, honestly, I hear it 16 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,880 Speaker 3: all the time, and it drives me mad. We've got 17 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:47,319 Speaker 3: we've got some great quotes from you know, from back 18 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 3: in William Shakespeare's day, let alone last decade or last 19 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 3: generation and even further if they can be attributed correctly, 20 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 3: where people are bemoaning youth these days and saying how 21 00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,920 Speaker 3: terrible they are and how they're so disrespectful and they're 22 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,560 Speaker 3: Shakespeare called it wonging the ancient tree, that is being 23 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:08,720 Speaker 3: disrespectful to their elders. I think that what we, unfortunately 24 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,760 Speaker 3: do was grown ups as we judge our children based 25 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,200 Speaker 3: on our current level of maturity rather than theirs. And 26 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,279 Speaker 3: it's not fair to the kids. I mean, they're kids, 27 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:19,200 Speaker 3: for crying out. Do they need to be respectful? Yes 28 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,480 Speaker 3: they do. Will they learn it, yes they will, But 29 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:24,279 Speaker 3: they're much more likely to learn it when we actually 30 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:25,440 Speaker 3: show it ourselves. 31 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,280 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, that's very bad. 32 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,960 Speaker 3: Let me tell you, Susie, I know a lot of 33 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 3: adults who really struggle to show high levels of respect, 34 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:38,039 Speaker 3: especially on the road or in shops, or when their 35 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:39,600 Speaker 3: own children are being disrespectful. 36 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:43,039 Speaker 2: Yes, that is so true. We can often be very 37 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 2: short tempered. We can that road rage just definitely an 38 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 2: issue that you see out that, even if it's just 39 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 2: within the car. But the kids see it. They soak 40 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,720 Speaker 2: up everything, don't they. 41 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 3: I remember, for my poor dad, I can't believe I'm 42 00:01:56,760 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 3: putting him in this. I remember still so vividly this 43 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 3: experience that I had with my dad. I was sitting 44 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:04,960 Speaker 3: in the back seat in the car, I reckon I 45 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,040 Speaker 3: was about six years old, and somebody upset him. You know, 46 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,000 Speaker 3: we're going back before the days of road rage. We're 47 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 3: going back to the nineteen seventies, nineteen early in nineteen 48 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:17,040 Speaker 3: eighties perhaps, and somebody kicked my dad off and they 49 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,440 Speaker 3: blasted their horn at him. And I remember, I mean, 50 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,040 Speaker 3: he's such a passive, quiet, peaceful guy, but he actually 51 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,359 Speaker 3: reached out over between the two seats and out in 52 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,600 Speaker 3: the back window, and he was given him the forks, 53 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,240 Speaker 3: because back in those days it was the forks. There 54 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:35,399 Speaker 3: wasn't just one, there was two things. And I remember thinking, oh, 55 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:39,640 Speaker 3: my goodness, like this is serious stuff, and it's only 56 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:44,200 Speaker 3: gotten worse, especially on the roads. But the whole thing is, 57 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:46,920 Speaker 3: you know, as adults, we struggle to be respectful. I 58 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,040 Speaker 3: was running a workshop in a school, so I traveled 59 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,079 Speaker 3: the country. I do workshops in schools and organizations, and 60 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,080 Speaker 3: I talk all about relationships, and in this particular school, 61 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:58,880 Speaker 3: I was giving a talk on respect for relationships. And 62 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:00,960 Speaker 3: as I left the school or having just had this 63 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,360 Speaker 3: wonderful day with the staff talking about how we can 64 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 3: create a respectful culture, I overheard a teacher saying to 65 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,840 Speaker 3: a student, that's it. I've had enough. If you can't 66 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,560 Speaker 3: respect me, well that's too bad. I demand that you 67 00:03:12,639 --> 00:03:15,760 Speaker 3: show me some respect. And I thought to myself, she 68 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,400 Speaker 3: wasn't listening to what I said, because how ironic that 69 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,320 Speaker 3: we're asking for respect in such a disrespectful way. 70 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,919 Speaker 1: And do you feel like there is a slight interpretation 71 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:29,360 Speaker 1: change of culture from one generation to the next of 72 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,120 Speaker 1: what respect looks like and that could be part of 73 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,120 Speaker 1: the problem too. How I respect you as a younger 74 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,160 Speaker 1: person is different to how you respected somebody thirty years ago. 75 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,000 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think so. And we also confuse respect with obedience. 76 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,280 Speaker 3: You know, you're being respectful when you do as I say, 77 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 3: but that's not always. That's not always going to work. 78 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:52,760 Speaker 3: Sometimes our children have got reasonable reasons for not wanting 79 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:58,280 Speaker 3: to obey us and expecting pure compliance and absolute obedience. 80 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:03,400 Speaker 3: That's not always respectful on our part, and sometimes it's 81 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,839 Speaker 3: unfair to our children to mix the two. 82 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,320 Speaker 1: Now, Sue, we're going to sort of take a little 83 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,280 Speaker 1: bit of a turn in the conversation just a little bit. 84 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 2: I've got a specific question for a specific group of 85 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,520 Speaker 2: parents when it comes to this whole area of teaching 86 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:16,280 Speaker 2: our kids' respect. 87 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,800 Speaker 1: More on that next with our guest doctor Justin Colson. 88 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,800 Speaker 4: Everyone wants their family to be happy, but so much 89 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:25,400 Speaker 4: gets in the way. Work, stress, commitments, and our children's 90 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,560 Speaker 4: challenging behavior are some of the usual suspects and we 91 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,400 Speaker 4: can all tidy up our parenting style and get clearer 92 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 4: about what we'll actually make our family happier. Twenty one 93 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 4: Days to a Happier Family is the best selling parenting 94 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 4: book by doctor Justin Coulson, with answers to both common 95 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:44,320 Speaker 4: and complicated parenting problems. Combining cutting edge scientific insights with 96 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,480 Speaker 4: real examples of family life in the trenches. You'll find 97 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 4: dozens of strategies for making your family happier. Twenty one 98 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,360 Speaker 4: Days to a Happier Family available online and from booksellers 99 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,200 Speaker 4: everywhere and at happy families dot com dot au. 100 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,159 Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Kills and 101 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,640 Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie. 102 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 2: And we are talking about teaching kids respect and we 103 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,120 Speaker 2: want our children, obviously to learn to be respectful, and 104 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:10,039 Speaker 2: we know that they learn that through what is modeled 105 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:14,160 Speaker 2: to them. Children catch a lot more than through what 106 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 2: they see than what they necessarily are taught by our 107 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,160 Speaker 2: own words. But I wanted to talk to you about 108 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:24,680 Speaker 2: a specific group of parents, Justin, because Luke and I 109 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:27,480 Speaker 2: we have a son with a speech issue and he 110 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 2: has been diagnosed with social anxiety, and I've got a 111 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:34,240 Speaker 2: number of friends with children on this autism spectrum who 112 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,799 Speaker 2: talk about the same kind of symptoms in their children. 113 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:41,039 Speaker 2: Of whenever an adult addresses them, they don't look them 114 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,719 Speaker 2: in the eye, they don't respond verbally, They tend to 115 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 2: put their head down, they look away, they don't engage 116 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:50,640 Speaker 2: at all. And I know that for the generation of 117 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:56,280 Speaker 2: my parents' generation, that would be considered incredibly disrespectful to 118 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 2: not respond to a question that an adult has asked. 119 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,240 Speaker 2: How do we, as parents with children dealing with a 120 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:09,240 Speaker 2: social anxiety kind of, I guess emotionally navigate that with 121 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 2: our kids. It's an anxiety issue for. 122 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:15,080 Speaker 3: Them, Yeah, and we can become anxious about it ourselves. 123 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,480 Speaker 3: I mean, there's not a lot that you can do it. 124 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,279 Speaker 3: It's not just kids that are on the spectrum or 125 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:25,360 Speaker 3: kids with anxiety either. There are some cultural issues as well. 126 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,240 Speaker 3: In some cultures, it's considered disrespectful for a child to 127 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:30,920 Speaker 3: look at an adult or to speak back to them, So, 128 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,520 Speaker 3: you know, it's a little bit broader than that, and 129 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,279 Speaker 3: I think what we really need to do is parents 130 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,880 Speaker 3: give ourselves a break. Most people, especially when they're dealing 131 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,720 Speaker 3: with a child, if the child is perhaps perceived as 132 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,520 Speaker 3: being a little bit disrespectful. Most people will shrug their 133 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:48,200 Speaker 3: shoulders and say, huh, funny kid, that one, and move on. 134 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,920 Speaker 3: As our children get older and they mature, maybe once 135 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:55,480 Speaker 3: they get to ten or twelve or even fifteen, if 136 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,040 Speaker 3: we continually work with them and we're patient with them 137 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:01,240 Speaker 3: and we're respectful towards them, they will eventually start to 138 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,240 Speaker 3: get it. You know. He can use those moments as 139 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:06,920 Speaker 3: teaching moments and we can help them. But please, you know, 140 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,080 Speaker 3: if you're that kind of if you're a parent with 141 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 3: a child with those kinds of challenges, or a parent 142 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,680 Speaker 3: from a culture where it's just not the done thing, 143 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:20,160 Speaker 3: go easy on yourself and maybe smile apologetically at somebody 144 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:23,240 Speaker 3: if they don't like what's going on, and just give 145 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,520 Speaker 3: it time because eventually it will work itself out. 146 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: The interesting thing is when we've had a situation with 147 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,080 Speaker 1: that with Ruyden and he's not spoken and the person 148 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 1: who want to say, look now, Royden, don't be disrespectful 149 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 1: when someone says hello, You need to say hello, and 150 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 1: we try and teach him in this process and they go, oh. 151 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,800 Speaker 5: No, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. 152 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:41,360 Speaker 1: Don't worry about it. 153 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,640 Speaker 5: Don't wry about it's fine, and they try and avoid it, 154 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:47,640 Speaker 5: but I'm like, I'm not actually doing this moment for them, Like, 155 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,800 Speaker 5: whether you get upset or offended at my son not 156 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,280 Speaker 5: talking to you is beside any point that I have 157 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,000 Speaker 5: at that moment. 158 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,280 Speaker 1: It's just a time for me to teach him about 159 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 1: behavior that he is what we want to have him 160 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,200 Speaker 1: do with his anxiety. If we allow him to actually 161 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:05,600 Speaker 1: avoid the situation, then he wins and the anxiety wins, 162 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:09,080 Speaker 1: and we don't break the patterns, and so it's important 163 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:10,800 Speaker 1: for me. So I love it when we've had another 164 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,960 Speaker 1: adult and you know that they understand what you're doing 165 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,800 Speaker 1: when instead of saying no, no, no, no, it's fine, they 166 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: stand there and they wait and they just wait for 167 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,840 Speaker 1: you to get him to say hello, and then they go, oh, 168 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,160 Speaker 1: thank you so much for saying hello, and that's it. 169 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,240 Speaker 1: They know to let you go through that process. 170 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,920 Speaker 3: It's a really nice example. And at the same time, 171 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,160 Speaker 3: I think we should be mindful of the context, because 172 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,400 Speaker 3: while that is a really great example, there may be 173 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,160 Speaker 3: some situations where that may not be the best thing, 174 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,600 Speaker 3: and in which case we can pause and we can think, 175 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,760 Speaker 3: we can talk about this later. We can talk about 176 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 3: this in the cart because it might be a little 177 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:48,040 Speaker 3: bit too anxiety inducing in some circumstances. I think we've 178 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,800 Speaker 3: got to take each one on its measures. But I 179 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,400 Speaker 3: like that example. I think it's definitely a nice one. 180 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,840 Speaker 2: Well, we always love the wisdom that you bring to 181 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:58,320 Speaker 2: us and just that whole take it easy on yourself 182 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 2: mentality that you bring to us as parent, Doctor Justin Coulson. 183 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,079 Speaker 2: You can find a stack of resources at happy families 184 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,640 Speaker 2: dot com dot au. Thank you so much for your time. 185 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:08,640 Speaker 3: It's great talking to you guys. 186 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,280 Speaker 2: And if you're interested in having doctor Justin Coulson speak 187 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,880 Speaker 2: at your school or your organization, you can find that 188 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:23,360 Speaker 2: at Justinculson dot com.