1
00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,680
Speaker 1: No April fools jokes here for the first of April.

2
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,119
Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to Happy Families Podcast Dr Real Parenting

3
00:00:12,119 --> 00:00:14,680
Speaker 1: Solutions every day in Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We

4
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,960
Speaker 1: are Justin and Kylie Colson and Kylie. As much as

5
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,919
Speaker 1: I want to try to be funny, try to do

6
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,520
Speaker 1: things that are not serious. Today it's a very serious conversation.

7
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:26,440
Speaker 1: I'm sounding like I'm not serious, aren't I.

8
00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:27,920
Speaker 2: I'm trying to work out where you're go having too

9
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:28,400
Speaker 2: much fun.

10
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,760
Speaker 1: Every Tuesday on the pod, we answer your questions. Are

11
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,720
Speaker 1: you your tricky questions about family and relationships and wellbeing

12
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,680
Speaker 1: and screens and discipline and all those challenges. If you

13
00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,519
Speaker 1: have a sticky, tricky question that you'd like to submit,

14
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,080
Speaker 1: jump out of our website Happy families dot com dot you.

15
00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:45,040
Speaker 1: There's a spot where we've got our podcasts where you

16
00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:48,600
Speaker 1: literally click the button and start talking. Alternatively, you can

17
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,040
Speaker 1: send us a voice note to podcasts at Happy Families

18
00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:54,720
Speaker 1: dot com dot you Today. Our question is as follows.

19
00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:58,040
Speaker 1: It's a question from an anonymous source who says I'd

20
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,400
Speaker 1: love some insight and some suggestions on what to do.

21
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,640
Speaker 1: My eight year old boy is being difficult at home.

22
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:05,399
Speaker 1: He's very self centered. I know that kids are, but

23
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,000
Speaker 1: more so than our other three. He cries in tantrums

24
00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:10,000
Speaker 1: if he doesn't get what he wants or what doesn't

25
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:11,640
Speaker 1: get to sit where he wants. He's never kind to

26
00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:14,440
Speaker 1: his brothers. He never thinks of others. He says mean things.

27
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,319
Speaker 1: Then when you put him up nicely and say would

28
00:01:16,319 --> 00:01:18,480
Speaker 1: you like it if that was said to you, to

29
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,280
Speaker 1: try to help him understand the situation and see it

30
00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:22,600
Speaker 1: from the other side, he shrugs and says, I don't care.

31
00:01:23,319 --> 00:01:26,040
Speaker 1: I've realized he hasn't been invited to any birthday parties

32
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:29,200
Speaker 1: from school this year, and he doesn't have any solid friends.

33
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,480
Speaker 1: He just plays with a few different kids depending on

34
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,640
Speaker 1: how he feels on the day, as he will only

35
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,240
Speaker 1: play games he wants to. I don't know how to

36
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:38,400
Speaker 1: get him to be considerate of others, how to care,

37
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:42,080
Speaker 1: how to empathize with others and just be genuinely nice.

38
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,000
Speaker 1: Any thoughts of advice on directions with him. We've tried

39
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,319
Speaker 1: to be gentle and explain situations that happen at home

40
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,480
Speaker 1: to help him understand, and they just seem to go

41
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:53,600
Speaker 1: over his head and he doesn't care, Kylie. These are

42
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,320
Speaker 1: the tough ones, right. You've got these kids that you

43
00:01:55,360 --> 00:02:01,200
Speaker 1: love so much, and they seem oblivious, sempletely unwilling to

44
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,200
Speaker 1: engage with you, on anything that could help them to

45
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:03,640
Speaker 1: do better.

46
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,240
Speaker 2: You and I've had lots of conversations over the years,

47
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:11,280
Speaker 2: and as we've kind of, I guess, compared our children,

48
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,920
Speaker 2: all six of them, we've looked at each other sometimes

49
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,880
Speaker 2: and gone, how is it possible that this child is

50
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,800
Speaker 2: so different in the way they perceive things, in the

51
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,520
Speaker 2: way that they react to things, in the way that

52
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:27,160
Speaker 2: they view the world. It seems so foreign to me

53
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,440
Speaker 2: at times that they could be our child based on

54
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:36,239
Speaker 2: their experiences. And a little while ago I watched a

55
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:40,960
Speaker 2: small snippet of an interview and as psychologists was being

56
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,880
Speaker 2: asked about the fact, how is it possible that you

57
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:47,320
Speaker 2: were raised in the same house by the same parents

58
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,760
Speaker 2: and yet your experience has been so different from that

59
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:56,320
Speaker 2: of your siblings, And his acknowledgment was that we weren't.

60
00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,960
Speaker 2: The way we interact with each person is different because

61
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,480
Speaker 2: we are all individuals. So in spite of the fact

62
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:07,640
Speaker 2: that you think that you're parenting each child exactly the same,

63
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,280
Speaker 2: you're not. And so with that idea, I think it

64
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:15,520
Speaker 2: just gives us insight into the fact that each of

65
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,720
Speaker 2: our children will be different and they are going to

66
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,600
Speaker 2: respond to the world differently. And that's okay. It's not

67
00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:22,959
Speaker 2: a slight on us as parents. That is clearly with

68
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,079
Speaker 2: doing something wrong because this child is not like the others.

69
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,280
Speaker 2: But I think it helps us to understand them a

70
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:30,920
Speaker 2: bit better. They're supposed to be different.

71
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:32,960
Speaker 1: So we've jotted down a number of things that we

72
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,840
Speaker 1: do need to talk about. But thinking about this question,

73
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,000
Speaker 1: something has really stood out to me that we didn't

74
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,720
Speaker 1: write down, and I want to start with this, and

75
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,440
Speaker 1: that is that as I look at this anonymous mum's comments,

76
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,960
Speaker 1: what a sense is going on here is that there's

77
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,200
Speaker 1: a lot of talking and not a lot of listening.

78
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:52,920
Speaker 1: And I know that with an eight year old when

79
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,720
Speaker 1: you try to listen and they say I don't know that,

80
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:58,120
Speaker 1: that is a bit of a conversation stopper, right, You go, ah, Okay,

81
00:03:58,120 --> 00:03:59,840
Speaker 1: we're not making any progress, so let me just tell

82
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,680
Speaker 1: you how it's going to be. But as I look

83
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,480
Speaker 1: at what's going on here, we've got things like I

84
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,400
Speaker 1: try to help him to understand the situation and see

85
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,640
Speaker 1: it from the other side, I say, would you like

86
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,320
Speaker 1: it if that was said to you? And he shrugs

87
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:16,200
Speaker 1: and says, I don't care. So there are two things

88
00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:18,039
Speaker 1: here that really stand out to me. The first is

89
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:22,560
Speaker 1: that my sense is that Mum and Dad are probably

90
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,640
Speaker 1: trying to deal with tricky challenges in the moment, so

91
00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:30,839
Speaker 1: their son is going to be heightened emotionally. They might

92
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,279
Speaker 1: even be a little less calm than they could be

93
00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:36,240
Speaker 1: if everything was nice and level and balanced, And therefore

94
00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:38,599
Speaker 1: the conversations can get a little bit fiery, a little

95
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,640
Speaker 1: bit emotional, and as we know, you can't think straight

96
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,239
Speaker 1: in a high emotion state. You do and say things

97
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,719
Speaker 1: that you wouldn't normally say if you're balanced. High emotions

98
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:46,880
Speaker 1: equals low intelligence.

99
00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:51,600
Speaker 2: Well, that phrase I don't care or I'm fine is

100
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:56,680
Speaker 2: usually a symptom of a bigger problem that I'm.

101
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,200
Speaker 1: Not willing to be vulnerable about.

102
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,160
Speaker 2: I'm not feeling much so around this, and that's exactly yeah.

103
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:03,680
Speaker 1: And I don't like using that word I don't feel

104
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,120
Speaker 1: safe because it can be really weaponized. I've seen it

105
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,760
Speaker 1: used in awful ways. So I'm not talking about it

106
00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:11,000
Speaker 1: like that, but rather just from an emotional point of view.

107
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:12,840
Speaker 1: I don't feel like i can disclose where I'm really

108
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,200
Speaker 1: at right now because I'm feeling like this might backfire.

109
00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:16,640
Speaker 1: I'm not sure that I can trust you with my

110
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,960
Speaker 1: big emotions just now. That's what I'm talking about. There's

111
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,680
Speaker 1: some other things here as well, in terms of Mum

112
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,200
Speaker 1: just saying we try to we try to be gentle

113
00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:27,440
Speaker 1: and explained. So there's lots and lots of explaining. But

114
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:29,760
Speaker 1: you remember from the three is of effective discipline that

115
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,960
Speaker 1: we don't start with explaining. We start with exploring, and

116
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,720
Speaker 1: we don't do it in the moment. We do it

117
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,680
Speaker 1: tonight or tomorrow or on the weekend, ideally with a

118
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,520
Speaker 1: glass of milk and some chop chip cookies or a

119
00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,760
Speaker 1: chocolate milkshake or something that makes your child feel like

120
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,120
Speaker 1: it's okay, we're just going to have a chat and

121
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:48,960
Speaker 1: we're going to We need to look at discipline in

122
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,440
Speaker 1: a problem solving lens. A lot of people think at

123
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,360
Speaker 1: discipline as I need to do this to my child

124
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,799
Speaker 1: to teach them a lesson, or I need to step

125
00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,920
Speaker 1: in with sanctions and restrictions and punishments so that they

126
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,240
Speaker 1: will learn. What they really learn is all the stuff

127
00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:03,320
Speaker 1: that we don't want to learn. There are some very

128
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,000
Speaker 1: clear things that they will learn, though, if we work

129
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:09,599
Speaker 1: on problem solving together. So even asking a question like

130
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,320
Speaker 1: would you like it if that was said to you, Frankly,

131
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:17,000
Speaker 1: it's a manipulative question. It's a question that there's only

132
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,760
Speaker 1: there's only one true answer here. And he's feeling boxed in,

133
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,919
Speaker 1: he's feeling controlled, he feels like everyone's against him.

134
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,480
Speaker 2: He's not feeling understood right right.

135
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,200
Speaker 1: Now, Does that mean that we have to sit down

136
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,160
Speaker 1: and say, well, why don't you tell me everything?

137
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:32,560
Speaker 2: Well?

138
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:38,159
Speaker 1: Maybe, maybe not. The challenge here is that I sense

139
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,200
Speaker 1: that discipline such a tricky thing, and in this context

140
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,080
Speaker 1: with this particular child, it's even trickier. So I wanted

141
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,200
Speaker 1: to flag those at the outset. After the break, we

142
00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:48,360
Speaker 1: have three or four other ideas that we can run

143
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,800
Speaker 1: through reasonably quickly that I think are going to really

144
00:06:50,839 --> 00:07:01,840
Speaker 1: help in your conversation with your son. Okay, Kylie, let's

145
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:04,800
Speaker 1: talk about it. Eight year old being difficult, doesn't seem

146
00:07:04,839 --> 00:07:06,919
Speaker 1: to want to learn. We've got a couple of different

147
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,640
Speaker 1: ideas that we can talk about here. My first one

148
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:14,680
Speaker 1: is really short and really simple. Developmental trajectories differ, so

149
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,800
Speaker 1: we've got personalities, we've got temperaments. Kids need to learn,

150
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,280
Speaker 1: they need to be socialized, but we shouldn't expect every

151
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,280
Speaker 1: eight year old to be at the same level. Just

152
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,520
Speaker 1: a quick reminder that every child is on their own

153
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,200
Speaker 1: developmental journey.

154
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:33,640
Speaker 2: In our home, we've always tried to be proactive in

155
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,760
Speaker 2: our approaches with our children, and one of the things

156
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,640
Speaker 2: that we love doing is focusing on the positive. And

157
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,679
Speaker 2: something that is really powerful for us in our home

158
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,800
Speaker 2: is having conversations around the dinner table. When people have

159
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,840
Speaker 2: got full tummies, they're usually much happier. They're much more

160
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:58,600
Speaker 2: open and receptive to hear messages and to receive instruction.

161
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,640
Speaker 2: But we can do it such a way that they

162
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,840
Speaker 2: don't actually feel like they're being instructed at all. So

163
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:06,360
Speaker 2: we like to have whether it's a gratitude circle, what

164
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,440
Speaker 2: were you grateful for today? Is something that we do regularly,

165
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:13,160
Speaker 2: but if we're working on a particular challenging behavior in

166
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,720
Speaker 2: our home, we might change it. How are you helpful

167
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,800
Speaker 2: today or how have you seen others being helpful and

168
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:21,239
Speaker 2: how did that make you feel?

169
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,680
Speaker 1: How have you experienced kindness? How have you been kind

170
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,040
Speaker 1: how have you been determined? How have you seen determination.

171
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,000
Speaker 1: So we just look at what the kids are struggling

172
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,200
Speaker 1: when we say, well, let's let's ask questions about that

173
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:30,760
Speaker 1: this week.

174
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:34,040
Speaker 2: And we've noticed that in the beginning, when we start

175
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,040
Speaker 2: with something new like that, often we get some pushback.

176
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,960
Speaker 2: I don't know, I'm not wanting to talk.

177
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:42,160
Speaker 1: To you about that, and we don't force it, but

178
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:42,959
Speaker 1: we do encourage it.

179
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,120
Speaker 2: Yes, that's exactly right. And so those who want to

180
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:48,320
Speaker 2: be involved, they have the conversation, and those other children

181
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,160
Speaker 2: who are not willing to win that moment, they see

182
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,559
Speaker 2: it and they get to take it in. But over

183
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:57,320
Speaker 2: the coming days, as we continue to reinforce it, what

184
00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,679
Speaker 2: we find more times than not is by the end

185
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,720
Speaker 2: of week, we've got some buy in. You've got some

186
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,360
Speaker 2: realization that this is actually a good thing, and this

187
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:07,400
Speaker 2: makes me feel good.

188
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,720
Speaker 1: Right yeah, yeah, So let me add So that was

189
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,440
Speaker 1: your idea, and I want to add on to it

190
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:16,079
Speaker 1: with this idea of teaching values explicitly. Sometimes there is

191
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,439
Speaker 1: a place where we do want to explain. And if

192
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:20,600
Speaker 1: I was sitting down with a little boy and he

193
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,520
Speaker 1: was making other people feel uncomfortable or he was struggling,

194
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,880
Speaker 1: I'd be saying things like if we are going to

195
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:30,280
Speaker 1: be like, turn into grown up men and be healthy

196
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,520
Speaker 1: and strong men. We need to remember this. The good men,

197
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,840
Speaker 1: real men help the people around them feel safer and stronger.

198
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:39,400
Speaker 1: So there's this really explicit teaching that's going on. And

199
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,079
Speaker 1: we take the time to do the explicit teaching. As

200
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,480
Speaker 1: our daughters have moved into adolescence, we've had conversations with

201
00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:49,880
Speaker 1: them that because real men make you feel safer and stronger.

202
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,280
Speaker 1: If you're dating a boy and he does not make

203
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,319
Speaker 1: you feel safer and stronger, then this is a relationship

204
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:56,400
Speaker 1: you want to get out of. If you want to

205
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,360
Speaker 1: explain to him that you're not feeling safer and stronger,

206
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,840
Speaker 1: give him the opportunity to change. If he doesn't seem

207
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,600
Speaker 1: to know how to do it, get other relationship. He's

208
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,880
Speaker 1: not good enough to be a boyfriend anymore. That explicit

209
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,920
Speaker 1: teaching moves the needle. And I was thrilled last year

210
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,520
Speaker 1: and one of our daughters broke up with her boyfriend.

211
00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:13,160
Speaker 1: And when I asked why, she said because I didn't

212
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:16,079
Speaker 1: feel safer and stronger around him. I was like, oh, yes,

213
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,880
Speaker 1: it's working. It takes a while to sink in, but

214
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:24,840
Speaker 1: it does work. Last thing, avoid punishments, avoid being punitive,

215
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,640
Speaker 1: avoid sanctions where possible. But remember you're dealing with an

216
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,680
Speaker 1: eight year old, and sometimes you just have to step

217
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,280
Speaker 1: in and say, hey, buddy, don't want to get you

218
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:35,000
Speaker 1: in trouble, but we're going to do this for the

219
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,959
Speaker 1: next few days. You're going to lose the xbox or

220
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,520
Speaker 1: it's going to be X Y or Z until we

221
00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:42,800
Speaker 1: get to have a proper conversation about it. We're not

222
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:46,520
Speaker 1: mad at you, You're not technically in trouble. We just

223
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:49,319
Speaker 1: want the family to feel different and we need your

224
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:53,960
Speaker 1: buy in. So the three e's that I teach explore

225
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:57,360
Speaker 1: explaining power, there is a fourth step and people often

226
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,240
Speaker 1: miss it. I've written about in the books, I've written

227
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,679
Speaker 1: about in the blogs, so I teach it when I

228
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,360
Speaker 1: do my presentations, but people often miss it because it

229
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,120
Speaker 1: doesn't start with E. And I really emphasize the three e's.

230
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,960
Speaker 1: But that fourth step, after you explore, explain and empower,

231
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:14,960
Speaker 1: is if you have ongoing challenges, that you minimize the

232
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:19,640
Speaker 1: use of punitive and coercive strategies. But minimize is not

233
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,520
Speaker 1: the same as eliminate. Sometimes you've just got to step

234
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,800
Speaker 1: in and go all power hungry and it's not because

235
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,319
Speaker 1: you want to, it's because your kids aren't getting it,

236
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,079
Speaker 1: and we've got to do a full reset. Anger is

237
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,040
Speaker 1: an emotion that I'm not a big fan of, but

238
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:35,280
Speaker 1: it can be really useful to help other people recognize

239
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,439
Speaker 1: that a reset in a relationship is required.

240
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,480
Speaker 2: When I think about eight year olds and I think

241
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:43,480
Speaker 2: about where they are developmentally, my experience is that their

242
00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:48,640
Speaker 2: emotional regulation and their capacity to recognize and understand the

243
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:52,400
Speaker 2: emotions that they're experiencing, we would call that emotional intelligence

244
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,079
Speaker 2: is still very immature.

245
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, they don't get half decent at it

246
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:58,880
Speaker 1: until somewhere between eight and ten.

247
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,520
Speaker 2: And so so as a parent, it's so easier for

248
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,800
Speaker 2: us to jump in because we're seeing what we would

249
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:10,840
Speaker 2: deem as bad behavior and negative output. And yet what

250
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,040
Speaker 2: this child probably needs more than anything is understanding and

251
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,080
Speaker 2: for us to explore his world and what's going on

252
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:21,480
Speaker 2: for him. And when he feels understood, chances are that

253
00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:27,120
Speaker 2: relationships change, relationships strength, and connections are made, and his

254
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:31,280
Speaker 2: ability to recognize and see the impact that his behavior

255
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:36,040
Speaker 2: is having on others will enlarge. But whilever he feels threatened,

256
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,400
Speaker 2: whilever he feels like he's the one who's always in

257
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:41,040
Speaker 2: trouble whilever he feels like the world's against him. He's

258
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,439
Speaker 2: very closed off to learning and growing.

259
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,920
Speaker 1: The only other thing that strikes me is I listened

260
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,440
Speaker 1: to what you're saying. Is I mean, everybody talks about

261
00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:53,640
Speaker 1: neurodivergent challenges and I'm remiss to go straight there. I

262
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,320
Speaker 1: really do think that most kids mature through this, They learn,

263
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,800
Speaker 1: and with really great teaching, we can help them. But

264
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,480
Speaker 1: it is worth considering whether there's need for an assessment,

265
00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:05,800
Speaker 1: having a chat with the doctor and seeing if that progresses.

266
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,720
Speaker 1: My preference, My preference is always to see if we

267
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,200
Speaker 1: can navigate this stuff with really really effective parenting and

268
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:16,319
Speaker 1: really great relationships. But we can't discount that and potentially

269
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,360
Speaker 1: other medical issues. Just worth throwing it out there. So

270
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,480
Speaker 1: to our anonymous poster, thank you so much for the question.

271
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,720
Speaker 1: We hope that it's helpful. If you have a question,

272
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,400
Speaker 1: all you need to do is go to the Happy

273
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,440
Speaker 1: Families dot com dot a u website and leave us

274
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,080
Speaker 1: a voice message on the podcast section. Just click the

275
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,520
Speaker 1: button start talking. It's that simple. The Happy Families podcast

276
00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:38,880
Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. If you'd

277
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,840
Speaker 1: like more information and more resources, please visit us at

278
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,960
Speaker 1: happyfamilies dot com dot au