Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land.
Speaker 2: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life.
Speaker 2: I'm Cut, I'm Laura.
Speaker 3: I'm Brittany, and this is Ask gun Cut. We do
Speaker 3: it every single week. We've done it for six years.
Speaker 3: You're write in your questions you did darkest burning problems.
Speaker 3: We do our best to answer them.
Speaker 2: When you say we've done it for six years, it
Speaker 2: makes me think, should we do something new?
Speaker 3: Do you know what? We have thought about that in
Speaker 3: the past, and we've asked the listeners. The life is
Speaker 3: what they listen you guys. But people love ask gun
Speaker 3: Cut and I love it. It's the life uncut stable.
Speaker 3: I don't think we can get rid of it. And
Speaker 3: even if we did, people want it. We've got to
Speaker 3: give the people they want.
Speaker 2: Like when we got rid of actually unfiltered for a
Speaker 2: couple of weeks and then people were like.
Speaker 1: What happened to it? Where did it go?
Speaker 3: Speaking about that, we do need some more accidentally unfiltered.
Speaker 3: So if something embarrassing has happened to you, please send
Speaker 3: it into the podcast. Anyway. How would you weekend it? Oh?
Speaker 2: My weekend was fine, except I have entered this stage
Speaker 2: of pregnancy now where I have pregnancy insomnia and I
Speaker 2: am so tired, Like I'm just so tired. And sometimes
Speaker 2: it's because I forget that I'm pregnant, and then I
Speaker 2: wake up and I'm like, why am I still tired?
Speaker 1: Why is everything hard?
Speaker 2: And then I remember I'm like forging headfirst into third trimester,
Speaker 2: and I probably should be tired by this point.
Speaker 3: I think it's completely normal that you're tired. You got
Speaker 3: two you're growing a baby, you're working a lot, you're
Speaker 3: running a household. I think that's pretty standard. Laura's like,
Speaker 3: I'm so shocked.
Speaker 1: I can't figure it out. Hold on, let me tell you.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I am past twenty six weeks now, fruit
Speaker 2: are you?
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: This app doesn't tell me the fruit. Hold on, let
Speaker 2: me google it.
Speaker 1: Should you'd be the size of a rock wallerby twenty.
Speaker 2: Walla twenty six weeks fruit. I'm sure everyone's on the
Speaker 2: edge of their seat. What fruit are you at? Twenty
Speaker 2: six Cabbage? That's pretty big.
Speaker 3: That's pretty big, also pretty circular. I would have thought
Speaker 3: you were like eggplanty, like something longer I was.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: They do roll into a little ball, though, But I
Speaker 2: was telling these guys. The other day, you might remember
Speaker 2: how I was talking about how I've started weighing my pants,
Speaker 2: like I've properly started winging my pants.
Speaker 1: It's not it's not funny. It's not like a little
Speaker 1: bit of bladder leak.
Speaker 2: So when we were driving down to Ala Dulla the
Speaker 2: other week in the car it was like late night drive.
Speaker 2: Kids were asleep in the back. I swallowed some water
Speaker 2: and it went down the wrong tube, and so I
Speaker 2: started coughing. Except I coughed and I fully wet myself,
Speaker 2: not tiny bit, not a little bit at the end,
Speaker 2: not like cute, a little bit of bloody leakage. I
Speaker 2: fully pissed my pants and had to do the rest
Speaker 2: of the drive with no pants on, no underys on.
Speaker 3: I don't think that was necessary to me.
Speaker 2: I didn't want to stop because if we stopped, Lola,
Speaker 2: as soon as you stop the engine, Lola nos, and
Speaker 2: so like I just sat No, I didn't, I too,
Speaker 2: pants off my pants. It's that naked, that which is
Speaker 2: much better. I'm sure that's a lot more humbling. I
Speaker 2: just imagine every time we went under, like the mobile
Speaker 2: phone cameras, because they take photos of every car and
Speaker 2: then it uses AI to detect whether you're on your
Speaker 2: phone or not. But imagine if like someone had to
Speaker 2: manually do that. They're like pregnantly no pants.
Speaker 1: Surely that's illegal.
Speaker 3: Surely there's like phone cameras and nudity cameras. I don't
Speaker 3: think you can drive.
Speaker 4: I think you can just with your bag to cover it,
Speaker 4: though because you're pregnant, you probably couldn't see it.
Speaker 2: I looked like I was wearing short shorts because I
Speaker 2: just would have had my jumper down over the top
Speaker 2: of it. Anyway, Yeah, it's all like it's all bad
Speaker 2: from here. There's nothing good about the trimester except for
Speaker 2: the fact that it's almost over.
Speaker 1: Like that's not an enjoyable time.
Speaker 2: And the problem is, so when I spoke to my
Speaker 2: obstetrician about it, I don't know how truthful this is or.
Speaker 1: Like, I mean, I believe him. He's a very good obstetrician, but.
Speaker 3: I don't know if he's sld me the truth.
Speaker 2: So the baby's breach at the moment, like the baby's
Speaker 2: feet down, and I was telling you guys this, so
Speaker 2: like I sometimes simultaneously feel like I'm being kicked in
Speaker 2: the vagina and stabbed in the heart, like I feel
Speaker 2: like I'm getting kicked both ends at the same time.
Speaker 2: I was like, how is it possible that I'm feeling
Speaker 2: all the pressure up the top but also at the
Speaker 2: bottom at the same point. And he was like, Oh,
Speaker 2: it's because it's your third baby and your womb is
Speaker 2: so stretched and floppy because your baby's breach. It can
Speaker 2: literally just stand up. So just imagine like a cabbage
Speaker 2: fully upright like this. I think I did tell you this,
Speaker 2: don't I did about this?
Speaker 1: I pitched I think it was last week.
Speaker 4: There was one time we were all on a flight
Speaker 4: and because I'm so short, I.
Speaker 1: Can stand up in the seats, you know, when the
Speaker 1: plane lands, He's just standing inside me.
Speaker 3: That's what I felt like.
Speaker 4: I was like, I think it feels like me standing
Speaker 4: up in the plane.
Speaker 3: Like just direct tell you, guys, are all I was
Speaker 3: born breach?
Speaker 2: Yeah, look, guys, like I said, I'm really tired. I've
Speaker 2: forgotten the things I've told you and what I haven't
Speaker 2: told you. Let's just steamroll. Also, my dad sent me
Speaker 2: a photo of.
Speaker 1: A crocodile so we could talk about that instead. If
Speaker 1: you want to.
Speaker 3: Hang on you know what I what I didn't tell you.
Speaker 3: I know we did have this conversation, but part of
Speaker 3: because I was born, but first legs around my head.
Speaker 1: If you're not talking about.
Speaker 4: Click clicking hips about ability that was included.
Speaker 3: No, I haven't told you this bit, so don't come
Speaker 3: for me.
Speaker 1: Laura just repeated the story word for't.
Speaker 3: And because I'm a good friend, I let her do it.
Speaker 3: I was like, I'm not gonna I'm not going to stopper.
Speaker 3: I was like, let's just.
Speaker 1: What was going to say?
Speaker 2: Guys, I've got something Nothing new happens in my life anymore.
Speaker 1: I just pissed, who has it?
Speaker 3: Got that out word for work the story?
Speaker 1: I was going to add something new to it to
Speaker 1: get who I've told shit to? Just know you did
Speaker 1: say sorry, I.
Speaker 3: Know I want to hear. All I was gonna say
Speaker 3: is because I thought I didn't need to add something
Speaker 3: to the for a Pete story. But because of that,
Speaker 3: so for like a month, my legs because I had
Speaker 3: spent almost a whole like my legs went around my
Speaker 3: head quite early in the womb, so it wasn't like
Speaker 3: a last minute thing. I just grew in there like that.
Speaker 3: So when I was born, my legs stayed up they
Speaker 3: didn't go down. So Mum would put my legs down,
Speaker 3: She'd push them down, and they would fling back up
Speaker 3: like their natural response was to be up literally around.
Speaker 3: I know, I know, I can still put my legs
Speaker 3: around my head now, but she would like put them
Speaker 3: down there, go and flick back up.
Speaker 2: There were so many jokes that were just offered on
Speaker 2: a silver plat of that, so many and we did good.
Speaker 1: We did good. Kis I made one, we sustained.
Speaker 3: It would have made some new content if you came
Speaker 3: from me.
Speaker 2: All right, Look, we have important please, we have important
Speaker 2: things to do on this episode, and that is answer
Speaker 2: your ask guncut questions. But before we do that, it
Speaker 2: is time for vibes and unsubscribes.
Speaker 1: Bernie, what is your vibe?
Speaker 2: You've already you've already warned us that it's particularly low brow.
Speaker 3: We've got to stop saying TV shows a low brow
Speaker 3: but it is a TV show. It's all I'm doing.
Speaker 3: Ben is here still which has been Actually I haven't
Speaker 3: really spoken about Ben much lay.
Speaker 1: Every episode.
Speaker 3: No, not really. Benn is still here and it's the
Speaker 3: longest time we've spent together ever. Like this period from
Speaker 3: the wedding is the longest we've ever spent together and
Speaker 3: so nice because we're back to like I feel like
Speaker 3: we just are living a normal life a little bit,
Speaker 3: which is really really nice.
Speaker 1: How long is it that you get to spend together,
Speaker 1: do you know? In total?
Speaker 3: We don't know because we don't know when he's going
Speaker 3: back yet. Basically he's waiting for a new team or
Speaker 3: his old team or whatever. It's contracts, so he's just
Speaker 3: waiting and then he'll go. But we just watch a
Speaker 3: lot of TV at night, So that's what we're doing
Speaker 3: at the moment. The Better Sister. The Better Sister is
Speaker 3: on Amazon Prime. It is like a thriller TV series
Speaker 3: and the lead is Jessica Biel. Now, I think a
Speaker 3: lot of people still look and think of Jessica Bile
Speaker 3: as like justin Timberlake's Wife. She was in that really
Speaker 3: wholesome The Brady Bunch thing that wasn't The Brady Bunch
Speaker 3: was called Seventh Heaven. Yeah, when we grew up with
Speaker 3: Seventh Heaven, like, no one ever really, I don't think
Speaker 3: took her seriously until a couple of years ago when
Speaker 3: she was in the thriller Sinner.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was so good. Do you remember Nast when
Speaker 2: we were living together and we like devoured that. The Sinner,
Speaker 2: which Eessica Bielle. Yeah, it's so good.
Speaker 3: Well, this is The Better Sister with Elizabeth Banks as well.
Speaker 3: They're sisters, and it is a thriller that is so good.
Speaker 3: You don't see what the end is like, you don't
Speaker 3: see it coming. The acting is brilliant, like really really
Speaker 3: really really good. It's probably one of the series in
Speaker 3: the last year that I haven't wanted to pick up
Speaker 3: my phone, that I've really stayed in that I've finished
Speaker 3: an episode and been like can we go watch the
Speaker 3: next episode? Thoroughly enjoyed it, and it's made me love
Speaker 3: Jessica Biel a lot more so. It's Amazon Prime if
Speaker 3: you have it. The Better Sister.
Speaker 2: The last time I watched Jessica biel like I watched
Speaker 2: The Sinner, I went and got my haircut and got
Speaker 2: that fringe.
Speaker 1: Now she had like a dead straight fringe.
Speaker 3: She's got a dead straight bob in this.
Speaker 1: Okay, well might doing the same.
Speaker 2: No, I literally I went out and I got the
Speaker 2: fringe caut and I rocked it for a good six
Speaker 2: months because I was obsessed with her, so like, yes,
Speaker 2: I'm in I'm about that one.
Speaker 1: You love it.
Speaker 2: I have a vibe which is a little bit different
Speaker 2: for us. I don't think we normally vibe artists on
Speaker 2: the podcast.
Speaker 3: I've vibed an artist once.
Speaker 2: Remember for your artwork that's in your Yeah, little Gaga,
Speaker 2: little Gaga, shout out hi, little Gaga.
Speaker 3: The beautiful palm artwork in my house.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's gorgeous.
Speaker 2: Well, I guess I'm like in the trenches of Instagram
Speaker 2: trying to find artists and artworks and things at the
Speaker 2: moment because we are coming to the clothes and the
Speaker 2: renovation that we've been doing, and then trying to find
Speaker 2: interiors to make it feel like it's a house, not
Speaker 2: a whole lot of just random bits of furniture popped
Speaker 2: around a house.
Speaker 1: So I've been following this one. It's just but when
Speaker 1: you have nothing on.
Speaker 2: Your trying to make a house a home, Yeah, when
Speaker 2: you have nothing on your walls at all and you
Speaker 2: have your furniture in, it literally just looks like you've
Speaker 2: popped a lounge there, a chair. There's like it just
Speaker 2: takes me and it feels at the moment and our
Speaker 2: walls look so bare. So I've been following some of
Speaker 2: these artists for quite a long time, but I've actually
Speaker 2: just like taken the leap and purchased art from them.
Speaker 2: So two that I'm obsessed with, which I wanted to
Speaker 2: share with you guys. Honestly, one of them, I think
Speaker 2: just she just makes the most beautiful very coastal in
Speaker 2: some ways, but not in like your kitch beachy by
Speaker 2: any means. The colors are really cool, really contemporary. They're
Speaker 2: very warm and vibrant. But she just has a really
Speaker 2: really beautiful use of composition and color play.
Speaker 1: Her name is Jesse Clear. She's local. She's local to
Speaker 1: me anyway.
Speaker 2: She's in Bondi, but she's an Australian artist, and she's
Speaker 2: had some really beautiful features, like recently in the design files.
Speaker 2: She also works with so Folk Interiors, which is quite
Speaker 2: a well known interior company, have used her throughout a
Speaker 2: lot of their show homes and whatnot.
Speaker 3: So I, oh, yeah, I've just pulled her up.
Speaker 1: I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with her.
Speaker 2: I've been following her for so long, and so I'm
Speaker 2: really excited that we're now going to have one of
Speaker 2: her artworks going into our house. And then another artist
Speaker 2: I wanted to share with you as well, someone who
Speaker 2: I came across more re But I've just bought a
Speaker 2: stack of little artworks, so you know how sometimes you
Speaker 2: don't want that one big piece. You want like a
Speaker 2: collection of little ones, maybe to make a college wall.
Speaker 3: So I've got one in my lounge room to shrines.
Speaker 3: Bet in mind, I have a collage wall in my lounger,
Speaker 3: so you don't need to explain to me what that is, Laura,
Speaker 3: please continue.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, her name is Ella Martin. She's also based
Speaker 2: in Sydney. That her artworks are really really beautiful and
Speaker 2: also exceptionally affordable. Like I was genuinely shocked when I
Speaker 2: saw how affordable they are for original artworks, and that
Speaker 2: kind of means that because they are smaller, you can
Speaker 2: get a few of them and create those really cool
Speaker 2: sort of like collective pieces. So we've just bought a
Speaker 2: stack from her as well. I actually I mean good luck.
Speaker 2: I think I cleaned her out because I was like.
Speaker 1: All right, well I'll get them all. She's get up
Speaker 1: the prices now, but she can know that there's just
Speaker 1: two artists.
Speaker 2: I've loved following them. I love the way in which
Speaker 2: they create their art. They're very textural, they're really contemporary,
Speaker 2: and I think in terms of what is trending at
Speaker 2: the moment with the kind of the way that they
Speaker 2: use color and everything, you guys will love them.
Speaker 1: So go and have a squiz. Great my recommendation, Love.
Speaker 4: That my record mondation this week. It's gonna sound a
Speaker 4: little bit full on, but I found it utterly fascinating
Speaker 4: and I couldn't get enough of it. It's a woman
Speaker 4: by the name of Monty Mada.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 4: I came across a video of hers on Instagram and
Speaker 4: I think it was only about it'd be less than
Speaker 4: two months ago that I started following her and she
Speaker 4: had about four hundred thousand followers. Then I looked at
Speaker 4: her profile this morning before recommending her, and she's got
Speaker 4: one point one million now, so yeah, she's obviously going
Speaker 4: through a little bit of you know, a Surgeen's I guess.
Speaker 4: But she's got this podcast and it's called Flipping Tables Podcast,
Speaker 4: and this particular episode was episode thirteen and it's called
Speaker 4: the Downfall of Dogma. Monty's story. Now, it's her story,
Speaker 4: and it's her just retelling her story. She's the only
Speaker 4: one on the podcast, so it's kind of like that
Speaker 4: narration style. And a part of her story is that
Speaker 4: she comes from a former alt right Christian nationalist family.
Speaker 4: So she grew up in this really small town in
Speaker 4: Wyoming in a really religious family. She attended like a
Speaker 4: private Christian school that her grand father actually founded. They
Speaker 4: went to church multiple times a week, and her dad
Speaker 4: in particular was extreme in his views in almost every sense,
Speaker 4: it's really racist. He was really misogynistic. And what I
Speaker 4: find most interesting about Monte telling her story is that
Speaker 4: she explains what her life was like so that we
Speaker 4: now can have conversations dispelling a lot of the myths.
Speaker 4: And what I mean by that is like, the one
Speaker 4: that she really focuses on, particularly on her Instagram, is
Speaker 4: people being like, oh, well, that's my opinion, and it's
Speaker 4: because that's what it says in the Bible. Like she'll
Speaker 4: talk about things to do with abortion rights and to
Speaker 4: do with you know, things that impact the political space now,
Speaker 4: and she's like, actually, that is not what it says
Speaker 4: in the Bible. This is actually what it says in
Speaker 4: the Bible. And because she understands where they came from,
Speaker 4: you know, she was conditioned in the same way and she.
Speaker 1: Used to be that way because it was all she
Speaker 1: ever knew.
Speaker 4: It was like docks in the Bible, but she doxing
Speaker 4: the people that are using the Bible to justify really
Speaker 4: awful opinions and thoughts and beliefs.
Speaker 2: It's so interesting when someone like that has been like
Speaker 2: deprogrammed in a way, but they still have all the
Speaker 2: information and they're almost the best people to speak on
Speaker 2: these things because they can see it from both sides.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and they also are able to kind of dispel
Speaker 4: some of the stuff that people say that isn't.
Speaker 3: Actually true, you know, an left scientology church.
Speaker 4: Yes, it's kind of like she was to the point
Speaker 4: where it would be considered almost a cult, like it
Speaker 4: was so full on their beliefs. And Yeah, because she's
Speaker 4: experienced it, she can speak on it, and she can
Speaker 4: also speak on the opposing opinion that she has now
Speaker 4: grown to have. I actually think she might be someone
Speaker 4: that could be really interesting to interview.
Speaker 1: I know it's a little bit hectic.
Speaker 3: We'll talk about that offair.
Speaker 1: I think you'd be interested anyway. This episode is a podcast.
Speaker 4: It is called Flipping Tables Podcast, or you could follow
Speaker 4: her Instagram Monty Mada.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I found it really really interesting. It's number thirteen.
Speaker 2: Let's get into the questions, all right, Question number one.
Speaker 2: I like the headline for this separated but I need sex?
Speaker 2: Well that's unpack. Hey, guys, I need some help. My
Speaker 2: husband and I had separated in March. We've been together
Speaker 2: for twelve years, married for seven, with two kids under five.
Speaker 2: It has been amicable, and to be honest, I think
Speaker 2: I mourn the relationship a long time before we actually separated.
Speaker 2: My question is this, though I am horny.
Speaker 3: That's a statement that's.
Speaker 2: Not loll in no way, shape or form. Am I
Speaker 2: ready to date a man, but a girl has needs.
Speaker 2: My girlfriends keep saying that I should just get on
Speaker 2: the apps, which seems like it's good in theory, except
Speaker 2: that I live in a very small city where everyone
Speaker 2: knows everyone, and I know I will come across his
Speaker 2: mates on the apps who will tell him that I'm
Speaker 2: on there, and then they.
Speaker 1: Will be even more nasty than he is now.
Speaker 2: I just don't know if I should say fuck it
Speaker 2: and do it or is it too soon?
Speaker 1: Help?
Speaker 3: Oh, my time and I separated in March. That's not long.
Speaker 3: March April main that's dream month.
Speaker 2: No, that's really that is a very short period of
Speaker 2: time to be actively because okay, firstly, do whatever you
Speaker 2: want to your sep you can live your life.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, No, I'm not saying it for that reason.
Speaker 3: I'm just trying to when you say is it too soon,
Speaker 3: I'm just trying to do the math. Okay, so you've
Speaker 3: been separated for three months, you were together for twelve years.
Speaker 3: At the end of the day, you can do what
Speaker 3: you want. You can do what you want to day
Speaker 3: after a separation, you know, it's up to you. The's
Speaker 3: no right or wrong. But when you've got kids and
Speaker 3: it's twelve years and you're in a small town, then
Speaker 3: like two to three months would be deemed as soon
Speaker 3: by a lot of people. I want to say, go
Speaker 3: and do what you want and go and get on
Speaker 3: the apps, because that's what you should be doing. You
Speaker 3: do need to move on with your life and do
Speaker 3: whatever you feel like is the right thing for you.
Speaker 3: But unfortunately, you do need to take into consideration what
Speaker 3: repercussions there will be and for you. Unfortunately, you know
Speaker 3: he and his friends are going to be twas Like
Speaker 3: you've said, they're already nasty. It's not great. Will they
Speaker 3: be nastier. My answer is yes, if he sees that
Speaker 3: you are on apps, he will try to use that
Speaker 3: against you. He might try and manipulate you in some
Speaker 3: way with the kids, or I don't feel like it's
Speaker 3: going to end well. But I hate saying that because
Speaker 3: in an ideal world it shouldn't matter and it shouldn't
Speaker 3: stop you. But we have to be realistic here, and
Speaker 3: if he's not, if this is not amicable and he's
Speaker 3: not completely happy, and he's not also moving on, and
Speaker 3: it is a small town. We all know what small
Speaker 3: towns like. I grew up in a small town. Everyone
Speaker 3: knows everyone. There is no way you can go on
Speaker 3: a dating app in a small town and it not
Speaker 3: gets straight back to your ex.
Speaker 1: So it's just something you need to weigh up.
Speaker 3: Is the juice worth the squeeze?
Speaker 1: Literally, your juices are your juices. We did have to
Speaker 1: go there always I didn't have to. I'm going to
Speaker 1: take it.
Speaker 3: If there's a shot, I'm taking it. But you just
Speaker 3: need to weigh that up. You know, for your life.
Speaker 3: It's only going to impact your life. It's not going
Speaker 3: to impact anyone else's life. It's like you and the kids,
Speaker 3: you're gonna have to deal with him. You're gonna have
Speaker 3: to deal with his attitude and his friend's attitude. So yeah,
Speaker 3: I don't know, only you know it.
Speaker 2: I honestly wouldn't say it any differently, brit I think
Speaker 2: you hit thenail on the head. The only thing I
Speaker 2: would add to this is normally my response to these
Speaker 2: sorts of things would be you're separated, you can do
Speaker 2: whatever you want to. But I do think that when
Speaker 2: it comes into the situation where you're co parenting and
Speaker 2: you're both going through the very messy immediacy after a breakup,
Speaker 2: like it has only been three months, that is probably
Speaker 2: very new and fresh. And I'm assuming that that's from
Speaker 2: when you broke up, not from because like, breakups are
Speaker 2: never just you know, immediate, they're not.
Speaker 1: Not like today's the day we broke up.
Speaker 2: So like, is that from the time where you had
Speaker 2: the big conversation around we're separating, because it might have
Speaker 2: been a couple of weeks after that when everyone actually
Speaker 2: sort of really realized that, Okay, the breakup's real. The
Speaker 2: problem is is that and you've nailed it in your question.
Speaker 2: Often we do the breakup when we're in the relationship,
Speaker 2: So you've mentally moved on. So even though it's only
Speaker 2: three months since the breakup of a really big and
Speaker 2: substantial relationship, I mean marriage, twelve years together, Like.
Speaker 1: You know, kids, it's a big thing.
Speaker 2: You checked out a long time ago, and so for
Speaker 2: you it's not as big a deal. But I would
Speaker 2: dare say that he would be quite hurt if he
Speaker 2: saw you were on there, because the thing is is
Speaker 2: he doesn't know that you're just on there for sex.
Speaker 2: He might think you're on there because you're actively dating,
Speaker 2: and that just feels really premature and a bit hurtful.
Speaker 3: But even if he did know you were just on
Speaker 3: there for sex, if this came as a shock to
Speaker 3: him and in his eyes after twelve years you've only
Speaker 3: been separated for three months, whether it's sex or not,
Speaker 3: that's gonna hurt. Like, that's going to hurt somebody.
Speaker 2: Yes, And look, I understand it's gonna hurt someone. My
Speaker 2: thing is, though, is it's not actually I'm not actually
Speaker 2: even really thinking about his hurt in this because you
Speaker 2: are allowed to do what you want to do. My
Speaker 2: thing is is, more so, are you gonna make your
Speaker 2: life really really hard? And are you going to make
Speaker 2: the co parenting situation really really hard for yourself. It
Speaker 2: shouldn't have that impact, but we would be living with
Speaker 2: our heads in the sand if we didn't think that
Speaker 2: it could.
Speaker 1: Have that impact.
Speaker 2: I've got idea, So I okay, before we get the idea,
Speaker 2: just all I think is is like, just give it
Speaker 2: another couple of months.
Speaker 1: What you know, I know your horny, I know you
Speaker 1: want to get out there.
Speaker 2: I know you want to get back on the horse,
Speaker 2: so to say, But can you wait another three months?
Speaker 1: And then you will have been broken up for six months?
Speaker 2: And then that's probably a little bit more of a
Speaker 2: justifiable time frame to be like, well we separated six
Speaker 2: months ago.
Speaker 1: I'm looking at, you know.
Speaker 2: What, my option out there in the big wide bad world,
Speaker 2: ab out tiny little community.
Speaker 3: I agree, but I'm not worried about like, morally, yeah,
Speaker 3: six months is great, more time the better. I'm not
Speaker 3: worried about justifying it to him about this is how
Speaker 3: much time, like you can do it. I'm just more
Speaker 3: worried about it making your life hard totally. But what
Speaker 3: I want to say this is my bride idea. Your
Speaker 3: friends are like, you know, you need to get back
Speaker 3: out there, You need to get back on the horse,
Speaker 3: your horny. You are separated now, which means you aren't
Speaker 3: going to be I'm assuming sharing the kids. So you
Speaker 3: need to go away on the weekend that you don't
Speaker 3: have the kids. Go to another town, Go to wherever.
Speaker 3: Go fly up to the Gold Coast. I don't even
Speaker 3: know where you live. Go with your friends for a
Speaker 3: girl's weekend.
Speaker 1: Play the away game, get on the apps, do whatever
Speaker 1: you want.
Speaker 3: Like, play the away game. Also, you don't want to
Speaker 3: be sleeping with someone in a tiny, small town that
Speaker 3: knows all your business anyway, Like, maybe that's for when
Speaker 3: you want to start dating properly. Go somewhere else and
Speaker 3: do it, even if it's like an hour away to
Speaker 3: a town.
Speaker 2: Imagine what I like. That's such a so much effort
Speaker 2: to get laid. I'm so lazy.
Speaker 3: No, I can guarantee you this woman will be dying
Speaker 3: for a weekend away with the friends. She's been married
Speaker 3: for twelve years and she's got kids. No one in
Speaker 3: their right mind would say no to a weekend away
Speaker 3: with your girlfriends in that situation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but then you're not seeing your girlfriends. You're going
Speaker 2: away to try and find someone to have sex with.
Speaker 2: The imagine if you're like, hey, hey, Brick, come with
Speaker 2: me on a weekend away and then we get there
Speaker 2: and I'm like, sorry, match with this dude.
Speaker 1: I'm going to go fucking for a twelve hours.
Speaker 3: I think it's fine. Twelve please please, don't kid yourself.
Speaker 3: I think it's fine.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go fucking for twelve friends, sorry, friends, and
Speaker 2: kind of few cheerleaders.
Speaker 3: Her friend's gonna be like, do I get a girl?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 4: You know?
Speaker 3: That's what real friends are. The friends are not going
Speaker 3: to be like keeping your pants up for twelve years.
Speaker 1: I'm just all.
Speaker 2: I'm all for what creates the least amount of drama,
Speaker 2: and if that means a little bit of waiting or
Speaker 2: a little bit of inconvenience, then I feel like the
Speaker 2: stage of life that I'm in, I'm happy to wait a.
Speaker 1: Little bit longer. But also most I'm not in this state.
Speaker 2: I'm not separate after twelve years and being unhappy anyway,
Speaker 2: all right?
Speaker 3: Question number two okay is a six minute voice note
Speaker 3: from a potential date of red flag.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 3: Now, this needs some context because generally speaking, a six
Speaker 3: minute voice note could be my friend was chatting to
Speaker 3: a guy on hinge for two days, so forty eight hours.
Speaker 3: They eventually exchanged numbers, and after four days they planned
Speaker 3: to meet, but she got cold feet because he was
Speaker 3: appearing too keen. Keen is in messaging multiple times throughout
Speaker 3: the day without her responding, and he would do things
Speaker 3: such as react to messages to get her attention in
Speaker 3: hopes that she would respond. No, so he's like written
Speaker 3: to her, she's not written back, so he's like, you
Speaker 3: know where you put the question mark bubble? Oh, that's
Speaker 3: so awkward. She attempted the slow fade away, replying after
Speaker 3: twenty four to forty eight hours. However, he wasn't getting
Speaker 3: the message, and she decided to tell him she just
Speaker 3: wasn't interested in pursuing anything. As a response, he sent
Speaker 3: her a six minute voice message attempting to convince her
Speaker 3: to give him a chance. My friend is considering giving
Speaker 3: him a go because she appreciates the effort he has made.
Speaker 3: Now keep in mind they haven't actually met. I think
Speaker 3: this is an awful idea, and a six minute voice
Speaker 3: message is a big giant red flag.
Speaker 1: What would you do?
Speaker 2: My very first thought is if this guy is that
Speaker 2: hard to get rid of when you haven't even met him.
Speaker 2: Imagine what it's going to be like after you go
Speaker 2: out on a date. This is not normal behavior. This
Speaker 2: is really hyper fixating behavior. This to me is like
Speaker 2: really overstepping the social cues of what is acceptable at
Speaker 2: this level of dating. And I because someone badgered me
Speaker 2: into giving them a date is not the reason why
Speaker 2: i'd be giving them a date. So I would say
Speaker 2: this is red flag, don't go on a date with
Speaker 2: this guy.
Speaker 1: This is too much.
Speaker 3: Yes, So what I want to say is a six
Speaker 3: minute voice message doesn't have to be a red flag.
Speaker 1: A lot of people that's a podcast. That's not a
Speaker 1: voice message. He sent you a mini podcast.
Speaker 3: A lot of people love a voice message. For me,
Speaker 3: I'm not into it. Six minutes is too long. If
Speaker 3: one's more than a minute, and all my friends know,
Speaker 3: don't do it one them on a minute. I'm not
Speaker 3: gonna listen to it. I'm not gonna get the message.
Speaker 3: He's just like, damn it.
Speaker 1: You love a voice memo.
Speaker 4: I love a voice memoir, especially if I'm driving because
Speaker 4: you know no.
Speaker 3: But I do like that you can play them. I
Speaker 3: learned this from Shameless.
Speaker 1: Actually, you can.
Speaker 4: Hold down the play button and you can play it
Speaker 4: at two times speed.
Speaker 1: Oh game changer. Okay.
Speaker 2: The reason I have an issue with the voice notes
Speaker 2: is because no one actually sends the note like. Nobody
Speaker 2: writes or speaks a voice note like they would a message.
Speaker 2: Messages are efficient. It's like hey, question when you're doing
Speaker 2: a voice and you're like, hey, sorry, I'm just driving,
Speaker 2: so I'm sending up. There's thirty seconds in you explaining
Speaker 2: why you're doing a voice You don't need to send that.
Speaker 1: Just say what do you want to say?
Speaker 3: I sent a pretty efficient voice message about ten seconds.
Speaker 3: Go to band, have listen, he baby. I filled up
Speaker 3: like a delicious water bottle of water and cold water
Speaker 3: and cordial, and it's on the bench and I forgot it,
Speaker 3: so you may.
Speaker 1: As well drink it.
Speaker 3: Actual way to go to waste. We had to love
Speaker 3: when you recorded it.
Speaker 1: Now I've had to lose that time again.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, repeat storyteller.
Speaker 1: I lost minutes of my life today.
Speaker 3: I'm pregnant. Goddamn it. I forget everything. So yeah, okay,
Speaker 3: the sixth minut of voice message stand alone, depends what
Speaker 3: was in the message, depends what he was saying. You know,
Speaker 3: all of that stuff really matters because there are some
Speaker 3: people that are really funny and comical, and he might
Speaker 3: be like, Okay, I know we'll get along. I just
Speaker 3: want you to get a sense of who I am.
Speaker 3: But a six minute voice message off the back of
Speaker 3: you trying to call it quits is a red flag.
Speaker 3: Like you have said, straight up, I don't want to
Speaker 3: see you anymore. There's nothing like not anymore. But like
Speaker 3: you haven't even met him. Your friend is like, hey,
Speaker 3: you know what, not for me. She's tried to call
Speaker 3: it off. Then the voice message is trying to convince you.
Speaker 3: So that's where my problem is. I don't want anyone
Speaker 3: to think that they get a voice message from someone
Speaker 3: and it's a red flag.
Speaker 1: It's not.
Speaker 3: People are putting in effort these days, people trying to
Speaker 3: find their penguin. They're looking at different, you know, different
Speaker 3: ways to connect with people. And maybe this person just
Speaker 3: isn't a Texter and thinks that he can get more
Speaker 3: across in a voice message. But you can't do it
Speaker 3: off the back of saying hey, I don't want to
Speaker 3: meet you, Like, that's the red flag. So if I
Speaker 3: were her, I'd just be blanking him now like you've
Speaker 3: said it. She's like, oh, I'm considering giving him a
Speaker 3: go because he's really pestering me, like no, not for me?
Speaker 2: Yeah, look, I mean like yes, of course, it might
Speaker 2: be a bit flattering that somebody isn't taking no for
Speaker 2: an answer, but the thing is he doesn't know you.
Speaker 2: He actually doesn't know you at all, So the fact
Speaker 2: that he's like not taking no for an answer is
Speaker 2: also very very odd. The other thing is is like
Speaker 2: I would love to know, and maybe everyone has a
Speaker 2: different scale for this. When does it become badgering? Like, obviously,
Speaker 2: on one hand, we want someone who pursues us. You
Speaker 2: want someone who's proactive, you want someone who is showing
Speaker 2: that they're interested. But there is absolutely a line where
Speaker 2: it goes from being interested to being inappropriate. And is
Speaker 2: it the fact that, like, you know, when you haven't
Speaker 2: responded to a message, he's like doing the love hearts
Speaker 2: and what not to try and get your attention so
Speaker 2: that you're like, hey, I'm still here, I'm still here.
Speaker 1: Like these are very passive ways.
Speaker 2: Well actually they're not in that passive, but like they're
Speaker 2: very like minimal ways that he's like showing you that
Speaker 2: he wants your attention when you're not giving it to him.
Speaker 1: Which is like interrupting your day.
Speaker 2: But then also he's doing the outward and very overt ways,
Speaker 2: which is like the multiple messages, the sending voice messages.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I'm like, when does it cross the line between being like, Okay, hey,
Speaker 2: I'm proactive verse I am badgering you to get what
Speaker 2: I want, Because that, I think is where it crosses
Speaker 2: into a problem.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but then I want Yeah, I wonder if we
Speaker 3: flip it, and I'm just thinking back to like all
Speaker 3: my years of online dating, if we flip this, and
Speaker 3: it is the woman that is interested in a man, right, like,
Speaker 3: so they're going to meet up, and then he's slow
Speaker 3: fading her. He's like riding back after twenty four hours
Speaker 3: or forty eight hours, like two days or whatever to
Speaker 3: a question. I would then say, Hey, if you're really
Speaker 3: keen and you want to follow up, I would say
Speaker 3: you could, you could send a question mark or like
Speaker 3: you could say, hey, are we still going to do that?
Speaker 3: So I would say it's almost okay if you're really interested.
Speaker 3: I would just wonder because it used to drive me
Speaker 3: insane being on that receiving end, Like there would be
Speaker 3: times that I would do that to people where I
Speaker 3: would slow fade them and not want to talk to
Speaker 3: them and not reply because I was like, I'm done whatever.
Speaker 3: But then there'd be times where maybe I had been
Speaker 3: vibing with this guy and then we'd organized to meet
Speaker 3: and then he was slow fading me, and it would
Speaker 3: drive me insane. I'm like, if bant was going well
Speaker 3: and everything seemingly was like, yeah, we're going to meet
Speaker 3: up in a couple of days, then he's slow faded.
Speaker 3: Sometimes it's really hard to just step back and be like, oh,
Speaker 3: they're not interested when you've sort of invested a little
Speaker 3: bit of time and ef and it seems good. Sometimes
Speaker 3: you would know before you ask Laura, I haven't sent
Speaker 3: a six minute.
Speaker 2: Voice, but would you feel like that after just forty
Speaker 2: eight hours of texting someone? Would you feel that level
Speaker 2: of like because I think a follow up message is fine. Absolutely,
Speaker 2: I've got no problems with a follow up, but this
Speaker 2: isn't a follow up, this is multiple follow ups. And
Speaker 2: then she had to actually say, hey, I'm not interested
Speaker 2: in you, and then it was badgery, Like I think
Speaker 2: I do too.
Speaker 3: I don't think she should meet him, but I'm just
Speaker 3: saying I don't necessarily like The thing that bothers me
Speaker 3: here is I don't think you should meet him. I
Speaker 3: think what he's done is too much. But she says
Speaker 3: he was appearing too keen and it put her off.
Speaker 3: And sometimes I think we confuse what we want. Sometimes
Speaker 3: we say I just wish someone would be interested in me.
Speaker 3: I wish I would show me that they're keen message me.
Speaker 3: And if you were really interested in him, I don't
Speaker 3: think you'd be put off by how keen he is.
Speaker 3: You wouldn't be saying he's too keen he is messaging
Speaker 3: too much. It probably just is you're not on his
Speaker 3: left and you're not as keen as him. If you
Speaker 3: were interested in him, you'd be like vibing it. It would
Speaker 3: be cool that he's following. You're like so cute he
Speaker 3: can't even wait for me to message back, you know.
Speaker 3: I think, if anything, this is just an indication that
Speaker 3: you're not on the same level of interest as he is.
Speaker 3: But I don't know. I think we can't complain. On
Speaker 3: one hand that we're saying dating is so hard. Men
Speaker 3: don't put an effort in anymore, And I'm saying men
Speaker 3: specifically to this situation. Men don't put an effort in anymore,
Speaker 3: or they don't show an interest. It'd be really nice
Speaker 3: for someone to just show me they like me, and
Speaker 3: then when they do, you're like, oh, they're messaging too much,
Speaker 3: they're too keen. It's gross. There are definitely people that
Speaker 3: are too keen and that are not you know, dating
Speaker 3: in the right way or making you feel safe and
Speaker 3: whatever else. But I just don't want us to get
Speaker 3: to a point where we jump to that too quickly.
Speaker 3: Because someone is just showing you attention and interest, obviously
Speaker 3: you need to differentiate if that is like creepy and
Speaker 3: too much. And this one, for me is.
Speaker 1: It is crazy. I think this is across the line.
Speaker 1: That's how I feel. Yeah, No, I'm just generally speaking.
Speaker 3: I'm just winding it back now to her saying she
Speaker 3: got cold feet because he appeared too keen, you know,
Speaker 3: because the voice message came after she said he was
Speaker 3: took for the messages, so I would just not be
Speaker 3: running back to this guy. For me, I was like,
Speaker 3: you've not meant him, you have no investment in him.
Speaker 3: Don't move it along.
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't go on a pity date because you're badging
Speaker 2: into going you're not interested. You didn't want to go,
Speaker 2: and this guy's unrelentingly badgering you, And the answer is no.
Speaker 2: It goes with everything in life. Don't have sex with
Speaker 2: someone who badges you into having sex. Don't go on
Speaker 2: dates with men who badge you into going on dates
Speaker 2: like you don't have to do anything you don't want to,
Speaker 2: and you're only doing this because you feel as though
Speaker 2: he's begging your Probably, yeah, your options are probably minimal
Speaker 2: at the moment. You're probably not dating a lot of people,
Speaker 2: and this guy's like fucking badgering you, and no, the
Speaker 2: answer is no.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a red flag.
Speaker 3: I agree.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right.
Speaker 2: Question three, Hi, ladies, how to know when your relationship
Speaker 2: is over? If you start googling as my relationship over,
Speaker 2: that's a real ever.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a pretty red hot sign. That's how I
Speaker 1: figured it out.
Speaker 2: My husband and I have been together for almost eleven years.
Speaker 2: We've been through a lot in that time, including a
Speaker 2: separation and couples counseling. We have an almost three year
Speaker 2: old and suffered a miscarriage three months ago after trying
Speaker 2: for sixteen months. I'm really sorry that you're going through that.
Speaker 2: Long story short. Everything he does lately pisces me off.
Speaker 2: He teases our son, which I hate because I cought
Speaker 2: that as a kid and it made me incredibly uncomfortable
Speaker 2: and gave me low self esteem. I've spoken to him
Speaker 2: about it, and he's doing it just for fun and
Speaker 2: to make him less soft. But I just find it
Speaker 2: really mean. There's that and a few other things, And
Speaker 2: I can't tell whether we're going through a rough patch
Speaker 2: with everything that's happened, or whether I'm just done interested
Speaker 2: to hear your opinions.
Speaker 3: I mean, we can't tell you if you're done with
Speaker 3: your relationship or not. I think there is something in
Speaker 3: it to say, Like if you are googling it or
Speaker 3: writing in then you know you've probably gone just over
Speaker 3: the cusp of curiosity.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: The thing I don't like the most is where you
Speaker 3: say he's like pestering and bullying, making fun of your
Speaker 3: son to make him less soft. Like, to me, that
Speaker 3: is not a belief that I would subscribe to, Like
Speaker 3: that a son can't be soft at all.
Speaker 1: He's three. He's three, baby.
Speaker 3: It also doesn't matter what age he is. Like, those
Speaker 3: ideas have gone out the window. You can marry somebody
Speaker 3: or love somebody and be with somebody and you can
Speaker 3: know them wholeheartedly, then you can go and have kids.
Speaker 3: There's no way for you to know what kind of
Speaker 3: a parent someone's going to be or how they're going
Speaker 3: to show up in a relationship. When you have kids,
Speaker 3: you can still know that person, but they're presented with
Speaker 3: new challenges in life. You didn't know what kind of
Speaker 3: a parent he would be. Now you've seen it. You've
Speaker 3: chatting to him about the way that you don't like
Speaker 3: how he parents and how you would like it to
Speaker 3: be a different way. You've explained why because you know
Speaker 3: it affected you as a child, and you disagree he's
Speaker 3: going to keep doing that for me. I don't have kids,
Speaker 3: as you all know, but I feel like that is
Speaker 3: a really big driver for a separation. If you are
Speaker 3: adamantly disagreeing with how your partner parents, it is going
Speaker 3: to build resentment. It is going to turn you so
Speaker 3: much like I don't like your husband after listening to this,
Speaker 3: the way that you've said, please stop bullying a three
Speaker 3: year old to make him or soft, and he's saying no,
Speaker 3: he needs it for me. That's like, I don't know
Speaker 3: how you look at your partner the same In situation
Speaker 3: like that. But I don't know what else is going
Speaker 3: on in your life. You have said that there has
Speaker 3: been quite tumultuous for a while. You've done couples counseling,
Speaker 3: there's been trial separations. Only you know, you have gone
Speaker 3: through a miscarriage, which, as a couple and as individuals,
Speaker 3: of course, is going to affect you. So when you
Speaker 3: say is it a rough patch or not, it very
Speaker 3: well could be a rough patch, but it also might
Speaker 3: not be. And you're only gonna know by I guess,
Speaker 3: having to think a really deep think about everything else
Speaker 3: that he's bringing to the table, the way he's acting
Speaker 3: towards you, towards your family unit, towards your son, and
Speaker 3: then making a decision if that is what you want,
Speaker 3: because if you are trying to bring another child into
Speaker 3: the world, that's only going to double down.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I mean, when I read this one, it's really tricky
Speaker 2: because we don't we never want to give the advice
Speaker 2: of like leave your relationship, you know, especially when you've
Speaker 2: been with your partner for eleven years and you've got
Speaker 2: a kid together. I would also say, like, don't underestimate
Speaker 2: the impacts of trying for sixteen months for a baby
Speaker 2: and then having a miscarriage, like the devastation of that,
Speaker 2: Like that is a really big thing that only happened
Speaker 2: three months ago. That's a lot for you guys to
Speaker 2: get over as a couple, but also individually for you. Yeah,
Speaker 2: don't disregard that as being a huge player in this.
Speaker 2: I think the thing though, is you've said everything he
Speaker 2: does lately pisces me off.
Speaker 1: Has he always pissed you off? Has it just been
Speaker 1: in the last few months.
Speaker 2: Has it been in the last like I would really
Speaker 2: love Like I guess a bit more understanding from the
Speaker 2: timeframe perspective, because sometimes you can go through a period
Speaker 2: which is a rough patch, and then your partner, the
Speaker 2: way you feel about them, everything they do, drives you
Speaker 2: absolutely fucking crazy. But I do believe that things that
Speaker 2: spiral down can also spiral back up and you can
Speaker 2: fix it.
Speaker 1: The only thing.
Speaker 2: Is is the part of it that I struggle with
Speaker 2: is if you resent him because of the way he
Speaker 2: is with your child that you already have. Just like
Speaker 2: you said, Britt, that's a really hard thing to overcome.
Speaker 2: And I think for most people, if you saw your
Speaker 2: partner being mean or probably makes you not only if
Speaker 2: you're already pissed off with all these other emotional things
Speaker 2: that are loaded into it, but that's just like the
Speaker 2: icing on the cake. You're like, you're also just being
Speaker 2: a shitty dad at the moment. I want to say,
Speaker 2: if you're unsure, I know you said you've done some
Speaker 2: trial separations and also couples counseling. I would wonder whether
Speaker 2: you've been and had individual counseling and actually spoken to
Speaker 2: someone impartially on your own, because it sounds like you've
Speaker 2: got a lot of stuff that you need to work through,
Speaker 2: and maybe going and speaking to someone separately, not with
Speaker 2: your partner, not with the intention of it fixing the relationship,
Speaker 2: but just like working through, Okay, from top to bottom,
Speaker 2: what is it that I want?
Speaker 1: How am I feeling?
Speaker 2: Obviously hormones are probably all over the place post miscarriage
Speaker 2: as well. Like just really kind of working through your
Speaker 2: own shit a little bit might help you put things
Speaker 2: into perspective as to whether this is a patch that
Speaker 2: you guys are going to get through or whether this
Speaker 2: is actually you being like, you know what, the relationship
Speaker 2: is not for me and it's run its course out,
Speaker 2: but it's impossible for us to say that, but it
Speaker 2: does sound like you have a lot of reasons as
Speaker 2: to why you feel the way you feel.
Speaker 3: Also, sometimes when you're subconsciously checking out relationship, you want
Speaker 3: to find reasons to justify it as well. And so
Speaker 3: everything that he does now pisses you off. You know,
Speaker 3: maybe you are just done and I'm just saying this
Speaker 3: is food for thought. I'm not telling you you're done.
Speaker 3: We don't know your relationship, but sometimes that's what we do. Like, Also,
Speaker 3: one huge issue that is making you uncomfortable and pissing
Speaker 3: you off, which is the fact that he teases your
Speaker 3: son for quote fun. It's easy then for just noble
Speaker 3: for you to be like, do you know what fucking
Speaker 3: everything you were doing is wrong? Like it's not just
Speaker 3: that it's this and this and this. It's really easy
Speaker 3: to sit in that situation.
Speaker 2: But also that like I mean, I'm just thinking of
Speaker 2: this as like from a parenting perspective, there is nothing
Speaker 2: more fucking annoying than when your kid is like happily playing.
Speaker 2: Everything is calm in the house, there is nothing wrong,
Speaker 2: there is nothing wrong, no one's upset, and then all
Speaker 2: of a sudden, one person just decides to sit there
Speaker 2: poking until because it explodes. Right then you've got a
Speaker 2: kid crying.
Speaker 1: You go, oh, did and do anything?
Speaker 3: Like why?
Speaker 1: Why? What was you let them be? What was your
Speaker 1: reason for doing that?
Speaker 2: Because now you've made my job harder, You've made your
Speaker 2: job harder, You've made this poor little kid fucking upset,
Speaker 2: Like what was the purpose of all of this? And
Speaker 2: if you're having to deal with that on repeat all
Speaker 2: the time, like that is absolutely infuriating. And I'm saying
Speaker 2: this not like Matt does not do this, and it
Speaker 2: probably sounds like I'm like channeling. I've witnessed this happen
Speaker 2: a lot, you know, in parents who think it's funny
Speaker 2: to do things that are like, oh, like I was
Speaker 2: just I was just messing around or I was tickling,
Speaker 2: and the parent takes the game too far for a
Speaker 2: kid's little three year old capacity, and then they get
Speaker 2: super emotionally, they're super worked up, and then everyone's dealing
Speaker 2: with the meltdown and it's like you did that and
Speaker 2: you're an adult, grow up. I don't know that to me, Like,
Speaker 2: I understand why you're so pissed off by this.
Speaker 1: This is a really hard one.
Speaker 3: But the question, how do you know if a relationship
Speaker 3: is over, it's how long is a piece of string?
Speaker 3: Like it is impossible for anyone to answer that. But you,
Speaker 3: I think you just need to look at your future.
Speaker 3: What are you non negotiables? What's important to you? How
Speaker 3: do you see your life? How do you see the
Speaker 3: person in your life treating your kids? How do you
Speaker 3: see the environment that your kid's are gonna grow up in? Like?
Speaker 3: You need to down and picture all these things. Speak
Speaker 3: to a therapist, whatever it is you choose to do.
Speaker 3: But I would go to the councilor probably alone for
Speaker 3: this one. Personally. If you don't think deep down that
Speaker 3: your partner fits into the ideals of what you see
Speaker 3: and want and desire for your future and a safe
Speaker 3: environment for you and your family, then maybe that is
Speaker 3: how you know. So I would be having a really
Speaker 3: really deep think and writing these sort of things down.
Speaker 3: What you want versus what you think you have. Don't
Speaker 3: get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy of saying, well,
Speaker 3: we've been together this long and you know like I
Speaker 3: would hate to have to start again. And if something
Speaker 3: doesn't work for you, something might have worked for you
Speaker 3: a decade ago, it might not work for you now,
Speaker 3: But like Laura said, things that do spiral down can
Speaker 3: spiral back up. So as long as your husband is
Speaker 3: willing to listen to you and understand that what he's
Speaker 3: doing is not right for your child and for you
Speaker 3: and for the environment, and he's willing to work with that,
Speaker 3: then of course it can make its way back up,
Speaker 3: and you, coul guys could get to a place that
Speaker 3: you might have never been to before. It might be
Speaker 3: better than ever.
Speaker 2: Have you ever heard of like it's I mean, just
Speaker 2: a saying in terms of because people always ask, how
Speaker 2: do you know when a relationship's over? And the thing
Speaker 2: is is everyone's capacity for when a relationship is over
Speaker 2: is different. Some people's relationships are over and they stay
Speaker 2: in that relationship for their entire lives, right, So it
Speaker 2: really is different. But someone said this to me once
Speaker 2: it really stuck with me. A relationship's over when one
Speaker 2: person decides it is. And like, if you're at a
Speaker 2: point where that decision is something that you want and
Speaker 2: you know that that is right from you, if there
Speaker 2: is a persistent lack of communication, if there is a
Speaker 2: persistent lack of understanding of repair of them actually showing
Speaker 2: up and doing the things that they want to do.
Speaker 2: If there is a persistent resentment that is there, then
Speaker 2: your relationship is over and there your telltale signs. But
Speaker 2: I think once you've made a decision, that's how you
Speaker 2: know that it's over.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's really hard.
Speaker 3: It's a making the decision that's the hard party.
Speaker 4: I recently read something from doctor John Gotman that was
Speaker 4: about contempt, and basically that I've just googled it so
Speaker 4: I can kind of refresh. Essentially, this whole thing was
Speaker 4: about how once you have contempt in your relationship, that's
Speaker 4: the pivotal moment that things go downhill and they very
Speaker 4: rarely go back up the hill again.
Speaker 1: So I've just googled.
Speaker 4: Contempt is a form of communication that expresses disrespect and
Speaker 4: disdain for a partner, often manifesting a sarcasm, mockery, name calling,
Speaker 4: and dismissive gestures like eye rolling. It's more than just criticism.
Speaker 4: It's a way of belittling and devaluing the other person,
Speaker 4: creating a sense of superiority. I recognize why that would
Speaker 4: be the point of no return, because how do you
Speaker 4: come back from feeling like that?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I definitely think there are points way before that though,
Speaker 3: on the spectrum of when to leave, Like, I don't
Speaker 3: think you have to wait to get to that point,
Speaker 3: but I understand that that could be the point where
Speaker 3: you probably don't come back from it.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Sorry, I thought that that was quite specific to
Speaker 4: you know what she's saying that she's experiencing her relationship,
Speaker 4: but it's almost like it's being directed towards your child.
Speaker 4: Which look, yeah, again, I'm not here to tell you
Speaker 4: what to do in your relationship, but I think if
Speaker 4: if there's contempt in your relationship, I think it would
Speaker 4: be very hard to come.
Speaker 1: Back from ession.
Speaker 2: And now you've said you have no idea how to
Speaker 2: answer this one, so I also.
Speaker 1: We're gonna do it anyway. Let's unpack this together.
Speaker 3: Breaking hard, It's really hard.
Speaker 2: My in laws currently live one point five hours away
Speaker 2: from us. Often when they come to visit, they want
Speaker 2: to stay the night. We have two young children and
Speaker 2: a small unit. I find it all gets so overwhelming
Speaker 2: when they stay over because they have big personalities and
Speaker 2: quite different views to me. My partner also clashes with
Speaker 2: his parents at times, and it can all just get
Speaker 2: really heated. They also have a small dog who likes
Speaker 2: to piss in our small house on arrival.
Speaker 1: Fuck not normal.
Speaker 2: They want to move even further away from us. And
Speaker 2: I think they think that when they do this, they
Speaker 2: can just stay at our place whenever they come to
Speaker 2: see the grandchildren, all for day visits and catch ups.
Speaker 2: But is it rude to tell them that they can't
Speaker 2: stay at our house overnight? How do you work that nicely?
Speaker 2: Should I just suck it up and let them stay
Speaker 2: over from.
Speaker 1: Time to time?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes, okay, it was easier to answer, and I thought
Speaker 1: it was going to be.
Speaker 3: No. The dog the dog pissing thing has stops the
Speaker 3: easiest answer you guys have ever given, because it's so hard,
Speaker 3: because you want to say, it's your space, it's your family.
Speaker 3: You don't have to do anything you don't do, like
Speaker 3: we all know that those are the answers, like you
Speaker 3: have the autonomy to make the decisions that you're happy with,
Speaker 3: blah blah blah. Sometimes you have to do something you
Speaker 3: don't want to do in life, like that is life,
Speaker 3: and we don't always get to say like it doesn't
Speaker 3: serve me. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person.
Speaker 3: The dog pissing thing like that, you need to work
Speaker 3: that out, like you can't just have dog come and
Speaker 3: piss around your house.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you just say like you can stay, but unfortunately
Speaker 2: the dog keeps pissing at our house. The dog can't come.
Speaker 2: Get a dog sitter, like, they don't need to bring
Speaker 2: the dog that's on them. It's not that out one
Speaker 2: hundred percent. But it's pretty normal.
Speaker 3: I'm like it not for me, but it's pretty normal
Speaker 3: that you might not get along with your in laws,
Speaker 3: or you have different personalities, and it can feel like
Speaker 3: a lot in a small space. You'd be hard pressed
Speaker 3: to find somebody who doesn't feel overly comfortable in a
Speaker 3: tiny apartment with multiple big personalities, sleeping like it's part
Speaker 3: and parcel with life. Like you, sometimes you do things
Speaker 3: you don't want to do. Having your in law stay
Speaker 3: sporadically for a night or two is something you have
Speaker 3: to do. Maybe you book yourself up a little bit.
Speaker 3: Maybe you're really busy over that time, you're not spending
Speaker 3: ludicrous amounts of time with them. Maybe you're going out
Speaker 3: to dinner instead of like everyone being home and cooking
Speaker 3: and cramming.
Speaker 2: You use that area like date night with your husband,
Speaker 2: go dinner and leave the kids with the grandparents.
Speaker 1: Use them I think they're also there to see all
Speaker 1: of them.
Speaker 3: I don't think you can abandon them, but you could
Speaker 3: all go out together to like make it a little
Speaker 3: bit easier.
Speaker 2: But like I just think you do have to let
Speaker 2: them stay, Okay. I have questions though, frequency. I need
Speaker 2: to know the frequency. How often are they coming? Are
Speaker 2: they coming once a month? Is it once every two months?
Speaker 2: Is it once a week? Like, frequency is an important
Speaker 2: factor in this conversation. Secondly, and this is really a
Speaker 2: conversation around boundaries, and you hit it on the head
Speaker 2: when you set it. Sometimes we have to do things
Speaker 2: in life that we don't like. We can all set boundaries.
Speaker 2: Boundaries impact our relationships in positive ways but also in
Speaker 2: negative ways. And in this instance, if you put the
Speaker 2: boundary in place that you don't want your in life
Speaker 2: is staying in your house for all the reasons that
Speaker 2: you've given, and some of them are personal reasons, like
Speaker 2: the fact that they have big personalities and you just
Speaker 2: find overwhelming when they're there because you don't really get
Speaker 2: along with them.
Speaker 1: It's not an easy you know, it's not an easy space.
Speaker 2: They probably don't realize that they probably quite adore spending
Speaker 2: time with you. Guys love seeing their grandchildren and probably
Speaker 2: have no self awareness as to how annoying they are.
Speaker 2: So I think that that boundary is going to come
Speaker 2: with a lot of consequences, and it's going to impact
Speaker 2: the relationship you have with them. They're going to be offended,
Speaker 2: it's going to be drama. So's always going to be awkward,
Speaker 2: some drama with your husband because then he's got to
Speaker 2: try and manage the parents and blah blah blah.
Speaker 3: But I think it's never not awkward to be on the
Speaker 3: receiving end of hey, like, we don't want you to
Speaker 3: stay like you're always it's always going to them feel weird,
Speaker 3: Like even if you're like cool, no worries, I get
Speaker 3: a hotel, they're going to talk about you. It's all
Speaker 3: going to cause the problem.
Speaker 2: It also, then, on the flip side, hear me out,
Speaker 2: It also then means that every time they want to
Speaker 2: see their grandchildren or see you see their son, there's
Speaker 2: a monetary investment that's going to require them to do
Speaker 2: so it's going to cost them money to do so.
Speaker 2: Does that also mean that every time you want to
Speaker 2: travel to see them, that you need to pay because
Speaker 2: you're not going to stay at their house, Like, is
Speaker 2: that what they now expectation is? Like, I do think
Speaker 2: it creates an unnecessary amount of stress. And I think
Speaker 2: it all comes down to frequency. Keep it to a
Speaker 2: frequency that you feel comfortable with where it's not overbearing
Speaker 2: and you can stomach one night, two nights, whatever it
Speaker 2: is a month. Yeah, And I think you know, if
Speaker 2: it's a if it's a case that you're put out
Speaker 2: one night at every you know, blue moon, it's not
Speaker 2: a big deal.
Speaker 1: Like, I think we can.
Speaker 2: All be adults and stuck that up for the greater
Speaker 2: good of like family and everything else.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think where I think the boundary is coming
Speaker 3: to play. You know, I don't want anyone to take
Speaker 3: what I said about like you do things you don't
Speaker 3: want to do.
Speaker 1: You know, we know that this is very situational.
Speaker 3: But obviously, if this was causing your kids discomfort or
Speaker 3: putting their routine out, or they're uncomfortable around your grandparents
Speaker 3: for whatever reason, that's when boundaries are absolutely fine. But
Speaker 3: I don't think the boundary here is because you've got
Speaker 3: a small unit. The dog pisses and it's too many
Speaker 3: big personalities. Every family has big personalities. The dog can
Speaker 3: stay in a kennel or with a friend, or the
Speaker 3: dog can stay outside. The family needs to continue to visit.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean the real question here is I'm all
Speaker 2: for visits and catch ups, all for day visits and
Speaker 2: catch ups. But is it rude to tell them they
Speaker 2: can't stay at our place overnight? How do I word
Speaker 2: that nicely?
Speaker 1: You can't?
Speaker 3: You can.
Speaker 2: You can once in a while say oh, actually we've
Speaker 2: got friends coming in the morning, like, so you know,
Speaker 2: sleeping over doesn't work for us on this occasion. But
Speaker 2: you can't blanket rule you can't stay at our house.
Speaker 2: There is no nice way that you can say that.
Speaker 2: That's going to go down. Well, good fucking lucky. Nana
Speaker 2: is going to be pissed, especially if she's got a
Speaker 2: big personality.
Speaker 3: Good luck.
Speaker 1: All right, Well, look that is it from ask guys.
Speaker 1: If you have any questions to ask on. Can't slide
Speaker 1: into the DMS.
Speaker 2: If you disagree, if you agree, if you have any thoughts, feelings, emotions.
Speaker 1: If you want to hear me talk about the standing
Speaker 1: up again.
Speaker 3: An echo chamber. We just want the positive positivity.
Speaker 2: Do We're not slide into the DMS and tell us
Speaker 2: how you really feel about all the things because we
Speaker 2: care deeply.
Speaker 3: But just to spoiler, next week, we won't be talking
Speaker 3: about Laura's baby standing up.
Speaker 1: I am going to just stay tuned for an update.
Speaker 3: I've only got it in me once to let you
Speaker 3: repeat Storyteller one time.
Speaker 2: I can't promise that I'm not going to make those
Speaker 2: mistakes again in the future.
Speaker 3: I am will alert you to it. So tired like.
Speaker 2: It's I'm beyond. I'm in a new category of tiredness.
Speaker 2: I'm literally words come out of my mouth and I
Speaker 2: don't know where they are. I can't wait, can't wait to.
Speaker 1: Listen to this in the edit and fix it.
Speaker 3: Concerned when we talk for a living love that okay,
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