WEBVTT - MINI! A question about blended families... 🧒

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<v Speaker 1>It's the Pickup with Britt, Laura and Mitch. Here rush

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<v Speaker 1>It is time, guys for this. Ask Kat.

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<v Speaker 2>So Ask gun Kat is a show favorite. We do

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<v Speaker 2>it every Thursday, and it's where you, guys, you call

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<v Speaker 2>in with your deep, your dark, your biggest problems and

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<v Speaker 2>we do our best to answer them. Now we have

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<v Speaker 2>a really, really hard one today. We have Tanya on

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<v Speaker 2>the phone and she is having some parents, some problems

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<v Speaker 2>co parenting with her partner's X.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, Hi Tanyall, welcome to the Pickup.

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<v Speaker 3>Hey guys, Hi, Hi, Danielle, Danye.

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<v Speaker 1>What's happening.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm just kind of co parent with the narcissist luck

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<v Speaker 3>and I'm on the other end and it's my partner's

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<v Speaker 3>ex wife. So I'm seeing it as the female watching

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<v Speaker 3>the male get completely screwed, and you know, his children

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<v Speaker 3>are being taken away from him and used as financial pawns.

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm realizing how powerless I am. But all like

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<v Speaker 3>men in these co parenting situations, I got them at

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<v Speaker 3>a very young age, extremely close. So this has only

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<v Speaker 3>kind of happened over the last year or so. Was

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<v Speaker 3>so actively involved and we had them for so long

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<v Speaker 3>and regularly, and then all of a sudden when they

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<v Speaker 3>I guess became of age. It was just they were

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<v Speaker 3>manipulated and mayde believe that they were only financially benefited

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<v Speaker 3>for us and we don't have them anymore.

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<v Speaker 2>So how old were they? And then what happened a

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<v Speaker 2>year ago? Like what changed?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, so their preteens kids test both parties. We get

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<v Speaker 3>that we were acknowledged like one of the kids were lying.

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<v Speaker 3>We thought we would address it. The other party had

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<v Speaker 3>basically shared that information and manipulated this situation to go, well,

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<v Speaker 3>they've gone through your personal devices, they've caught you out,

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<v Speaker 3>and now they're like, well I don't want to come home.

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<v Speaker 4>So when you say the kids are being used as

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<v Speaker 4>financial pawns and against you in what capacity do you

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<v Speaker 4>mean that is the X trying to get more money

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<v Speaker 4>from you?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah? Yeah, so obviously through you know, your child support,

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<v Speaker 3>you the kids have to stay a certain amount with

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<v Speaker 3>the dad for them to I guess be considered as

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<v Speaker 3>a contributor. Is not the dads have to pay more

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<v Speaker 3>child support.

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<v Speaker 4>Well, now do you think that she's trying to manipulate

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<v Speaker 4>the kids to want to stay with her more to

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<v Speaker 4>get more money.

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<v Speaker 3>It's not thinking, it's one hundred percent.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that all you.

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<v Speaker 4>Can really do in this situation is the kids are

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<v Speaker 4>going to look back and remember how they were treated

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<v Speaker 4>by whom at this point. But if you are constantly

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<v Speaker 4>not showing these kids that they are loved and supported

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<v Speaker 4>and you know you will do anything for all them

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<v Speaker 4>and they feel safe, then that is going to be

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<v Speaker 4>powerful enough. When the time comes and the other mum

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<v Speaker 4>is telling them these stories against you try and manipulate them,

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<v Speaker 4>they're like, well, we actually have an amazing time when

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<v Speaker 4>we're with them that we feel so loved and so safe.

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<v Speaker 2>I know that they're preteens and maybe it's changed, but

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<v Speaker 2>from my understanding, I grew up in a separated household.

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<v Speaker 2>We had to do shared parenting with my dad. Even

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<v Speaker 2>at preteens, you don't really have a choice around where

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<v Speaker 2>you are at. It's still too young to make that

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<v Speaker 2>decision for yourself, and so there should be some If

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<v Speaker 2>you're not able to be able to get parenting access

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<v Speaker 2>because that's being denied to you, there should be some

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<v Speaker 2>other ways in which that can be. I don't want

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<v Speaker 2>to go so far as say, man data, but there

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<v Speaker 2>are rules around it where you know the kids are

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<v Speaker 2>going to be co parented between the two houses, and

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<v Speaker 2>I think in order to have that opportunity to have

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<v Speaker 2>face time with them so that when they are with you,

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<v Speaker 2>they know that they're not in trouble, because that seems

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<v Speaker 2>like that's a big thing, is that they're so worried

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<v Speaker 2>that they're going to get in trouble if they're at

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<v Speaker 2>your house. But having them to exactly as it's said,

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<v Speaker 2>like reinforce that they're not in trouble, reinforce that the

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<v Speaker 2>love is consistent and that it's not conditional based on

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<v Speaker 2>the way that they're behaving or what they're doing. And

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<v Speaker 2>I guess the other big thing is is you can

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<v Speaker 2>go through these periods where you think that this is

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<v Speaker 2>going to be a static but in a year's time

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<v Speaker 2>they will be older. The situation will continually change as

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<v Speaker 2>they get a little bit older and as their understanding

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<v Speaker 2>of everything changes too, And I think the only thing

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<v Speaker 2>you can be is consistent with your love and your

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<v Speaker 2>your adoration of them.

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<v Speaker 4>And also last thing, kids, even if they're yours or

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<v Speaker 4>their step children, it doesn't matter. At that preteen early

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<v Speaker 4>teen age, they hate you regardless, Like every kid goes

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<v Speaker 4>to that moment where they're going to hate their mum

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<v Speaker 4>and they rebel and it does come back around, and

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<v Speaker 4>it will because you sound like an amazing parent. So

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<v Speaker 4>that's also. I know you feel horrible like you're the

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<v Speaker 4>horrible stepmum. But we've all literally, I feel like especially females,

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<v Speaker 4>but like girls, we all go through it.

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<v Speaker 3>It's hard on Alan because you know we have and

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<v Speaker 3>obviously you have to go back to courts now.

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<v Speaker 1>Protes Yes, yeah, that's the problem.

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<v Speaker 3>They do have their stay once they're past twelve, so

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<v Speaker 3>it's hard because they miss them. And yeah, like the

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<v Speaker 3>dynamics of our family have changed, you know, the pressure

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<v Speaker 3>on our marriage, trying to support that relationship when these

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<v Speaker 3>beautiful minds are being manipulated and said, it's horrible to

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<v Speaker 3>think that that's what they're growing up to believe.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's tough. Telling keep us updated, Okay, our thoughts

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<v Speaker 1>are with you and listen. If you want to get

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<v Speaker 1>on the show like that, you can DM us on

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<v Speaker 1>the pickup on the socials so you can write in

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<v Speaker 1>the Pickup dot com dot Au. But that is a

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<v Speaker 1>tricky situation.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, really is, isn't it.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, all right, guys were back after this here on

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<v Speaker 1>the Pickup