1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:04,480 Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Colson, where 2 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,680 Speaker 1: Luke and Suzie parents of three little boys, and this 3 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,800 Speaker 1: is the podcast for those of us who are time 4 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:13,280 Speaker 1: poor parents. But just one answers now opening up the 5 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:18,760 Speaker 1: Luke and E mail bag. How are you doing? Are 6 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:19,520 Speaker 1: you getting. 7 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:24,560 Speaker 2: The Luke and C mail bag? 8 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,880 Speaker 3: A message from Tracy who said this, how do you 9 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:31,360 Speaker 3: help children develop inferencing and critical thinking skills? For example, Okay, 10 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,280 Speaker 3: my daughter hates to give responses to texts that require 11 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 3: her to give an opinion or predict what may happen. 12 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,760 Speaker 3: I want her to learn how to think, but she 13 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 3: is much more comfortable being told what to think. 14 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: Oh, Justin Colsy, this is interesting because I had an 15 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: adult staff member who was exactly like this, and I said, 16 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 1: what do you think about this? And he said, well, 17 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 1: what do you want me to think? I said, no, no, 18 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 1: I want to know what you think. He said, will 19 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:55,240 Speaker 1: you tell me what to think? And that's what I'll think. 20 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 2: Henry Ford said, thinking is one of the hardest forms 21 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 2: of work there is, which is probably so few people 22 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:05,080 Speaker 2: engage in and teenagers don't like work. 23 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 3: What can we what advice can we offer? Tracy? 24 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 2: Justin It's a really tricky question. And the first thing 25 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,800 Speaker 2: that I thought, you know what, I'm like, I always well, 26 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,160 Speaker 2: I tend to turn things on their head a little 27 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:20,039 Speaker 2: bit and m ole maker, yeah, provocate to the first 28 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:21,960 Speaker 2: thing that I thought was why are we always trying 29 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:25,000 Speaker 2: to fix our children? Were always trying to We look 30 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,800 Speaker 2: at our children and we see things that we see 31 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:31,039 Speaker 2: as deficits. We perceive these problems in our children, and 32 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 2: we think that it's our job to patch them up. 33 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,200 Speaker 2: I initially thought, I wonder what Tracy's daughter's strengths are. 34 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,160 Speaker 2: What could she focus on that her daughter is great at? 35 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:45,280 Speaker 2: What brings her daughter to life? Where does she excel? 36 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,440 Speaker 2: And how can we give her opportunities to do more 37 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:50,080 Speaker 2: of that? Can we stop fixing our kids all the time? 38 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,320 Speaker 2: You know, they'll grow up and they'll they'll work stuff 39 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,520 Speaker 2: out for themselves, and they're more likely to be confident 40 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,560 Speaker 2: and competent when they're doing things that make them feel alive, 41 00:01:58,560 --> 00:01:59,760 Speaker 2: when they're using their strengths. 42 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,840 Speaker 1: And if justin's not enough, if I can encourage strengths 43 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,200 Speaker 1: fine or two point zero is a book to go 44 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:07,120 Speaker 1: get Tracy on the back of that which tells you 45 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,000 Speaker 1: how broken our world is by focusing on what we're 46 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 1: no good at versus what the outcomes can be if 47 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,600 Speaker 1: we focus our attention on what we are naturally good at, 48 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,560 Speaker 1: and how so much of our flaws disappear or get 49 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 1: overridden if we live in a world where we're focused 50 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:22,280 Speaker 1: on our strengths. 51 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,440 Speaker 2: Right, And you know, depending on the age of your child, 52 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:26,840 Speaker 2: you can even get them online to do some strengths finders. 53 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,440 Speaker 2: There's the gallop one that you're taking about. 54 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:30,320 Speaker 1: Every one of those books comes with a code to 55 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:30,840 Speaker 1: do that test. 56 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:33,520 Speaker 2: That's right, you bet. And for those who don't want 57 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 2: to buy the book, it's a twenty dollars investment and 58 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:36,760 Speaker 2: you get to find out your strengths. 59 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:37,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's really good. 60 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,120 Speaker 2: And the goal here is once we know what our 61 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:42,160 Speaker 2: strengths are, we want to use them every day. And 62 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,400 Speaker 2: once our kids know what their strengths are, we want 63 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:45,760 Speaker 2: to help them to use them every day. Oh, by 64 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 2: the way, you know what my top strengths are. Number 65 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:52,400 Speaker 2: one is input. I don't know if you've noticed what 66 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:56,359 Speaker 2: I do for a living. I give input, right, I'm on, 67 00:02:56,919 --> 00:03:01,080 Speaker 2: I'm on in conversations like this, and I'm giving talks 68 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,280 Speaker 2: around the country and I write books, I have input. 69 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:07,160 Speaker 2: Number two is learning. I can't learn enough. Number three communication. 70 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 2: So these are the things. When we tap into our strengths, 71 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 2: our lives just feel so much more full. But I 72 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:15,519 Speaker 2: know that Tracy is looking for more than that. I've 73 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,400 Speaker 2: just told her to stop worrying about it. That's not helpful. 74 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,680 Speaker 2: So look, there's a couple of other things that I reckon. 75 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:24,600 Speaker 2: Number one, I think maturity is a thing that we 76 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:29,360 Speaker 2: need to consider here. Some kids mature sooner, some kids 77 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,919 Speaker 2: mature later. And I don't know if you've noticed this, 78 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,000 Speaker 2: but as you mature, you do tend to become more confident, 79 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,800 Speaker 2: You're more likely to have an opinion, You're more likely 80 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:44,040 Speaker 2: to be forward rather than backwards or receding into the scenery. 81 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:48,200 Speaker 2: So I think that it's possible that Tracy's little girl 82 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,520 Speaker 2: will grow out of this. And the other thing is 83 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 2: that it could be a personality thing. I mean, some 84 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:57,800 Speaker 2: kids are just introverted. Some adults are introverted. Some kids 85 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,560 Speaker 2: are less open to new experiences. There's a one book 86 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:04,480 Speaker 2: by a lady called Susan cain c Ai. In fact, 87 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,600 Speaker 2: she's given a ted talk about the power of introverts. 88 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,120 Speaker 2: And again this kind of taps into this sense that 89 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,560 Speaker 2: Tracy is saying that she wants her daughter to be 90 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,520 Speaker 2: more critical and thinking, to have more opinions. But maybe 91 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:21,600 Speaker 2: her daughter is a genuine introvert, and susan Kin's ideas 92 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 2: from her ted talk may be really helpful in recognizing 93 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,240 Speaker 2: that this is a strength, and rather than trying to 94 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 2: change this little girl, we need to celebrate the strength 95 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,239 Speaker 2: that that introversion brings. 96 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: She might not be broken, she may just be different. Yeah, 97 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 1: this might not be a problem. It may just be 98 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,279 Speaker 1: one expression now of how she sees the world and 99 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:39,599 Speaker 1: processes differently. I can understand how this could be an 100 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,000 Speaker 1: important thing for a mum with a daughter to go. 101 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:44,920 Speaker 1: You don't need somebody else to tell you how to think. 102 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:49,680 Speaker 2: Right in our society, this individualistic culture in which we 103 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,359 Speaker 2: are embedded, this is a really you know, it's perceived 104 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,440 Speaker 2: as being a really important thing. I don't necessarily agree 105 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,599 Speaker 2: that it always has to be, but it's certainly perceived 106 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:01,200 Speaker 2: as that. You know, let's talk really practical stuff for 107 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:05,760 Speaker 2: a second. I find that quite often kids are reluctant 108 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:11,640 Speaker 2: to think critically, or to make inferences or have opinions 109 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,360 Speaker 2: because the kinds of feedback that they get when they 110 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 2: do offer their opinions. Yes, I wonder what kinds of 111 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,960 Speaker 2: things we say to our children when they express their opinions. 112 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 2: Do we shut them down when they say something that 113 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,040 Speaker 2: we don't agree with? Are we like, oh, for goodness sakes, 114 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 2: what a dumb thing to say? Or why would you 115 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,839 Speaker 2: think that? Or you've got to be kidding, you don't 116 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,880 Speaker 2: know anything. I know of one dad who I overheard 117 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 2: say something to his child who said something about the 118 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:42,200 Speaker 2: whole Donald Trump North Korea thing, and dad just got 119 00:05:42,279 --> 00:05:45,200 Speaker 2: really angry. Is that the dying table daughter says something 120 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,440 Speaker 2: and he says, what would you know about international politics? 121 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,320 Speaker 2: You go on, you do some research right now. You 122 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,120 Speaker 2: don't come back to the table until you can tell me. 123 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:53,880 Speaker 2: And then he listed a whole bunch of things that 124 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 2: she needed to research. And know, I'm not convinced that 125 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,760 Speaker 2: that kind of an approach is going to encourage our 126 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:05,560 Speaker 2: children to either a think critically or b express their 127 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,719 Speaker 2: opinions when we're shutting them down or arguing with them. 128 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 1: Even if you're not that harsh, if they tell you 129 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,640 Speaker 1: their opinion twenty times and twenty times you go and 130 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,760 Speaker 1: do something else, and they don't have any impact. Then 131 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,360 Speaker 1: that tells them what's the point spot on even if 132 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,800 Speaker 1: it's not aggressive, even if it's not you know, sort 133 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,680 Speaker 1: of in a harsh way. And some personalities will still 134 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,520 Speaker 1: keep going because that's how they're wired. But some will go, well, 135 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 1: there's no point in me having a. 136 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 2: Thought, Yeah, raise the white flag, give up yep. So 137 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 2: what can we do instead? Well, I think curiosity is 138 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,400 Speaker 2: one of the most powerful things that we can show 139 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,800 Speaker 2: as parents. So when our children say something or refuse 140 00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:42,719 Speaker 2: to say something, we can ask them questions about that. Oh, 141 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,800 Speaker 2: tell me more about why you feel that way, or 142 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,680 Speaker 2: I I wonder if you do have an opinion but 143 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:51,039 Speaker 2: you're just a little bit reluctant to share it. We 144 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:54,160 Speaker 2: can get really curious, start to dig a little bit 145 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,000 Speaker 2: of poking, bit of prodding, and we should do it sensitively. 146 00:06:57,279 --> 00:07:00,720 Speaker 2: We might say things like, you know, I always thought 147 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,839 Speaker 2: that you'd have a different opinion around that, or it 148 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:06,839 Speaker 2: seems to me that you're really reluctant to share in 149 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,040 Speaker 2: this instance, I wonder whether or not if you did 150 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,400 Speaker 2: have an opinion, what it might be. You know, we 151 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 2: can be very gentle with our kids as we try 152 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 2: to extract the information that we're looking for, but we 153 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 2: want to engage them in conversation. It's amazing what happens 154 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:24,000 Speaker 2: when we stop pressuring and simply invite them. We might 155 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,400 Speaker 2: even simply say hmm, sometimes it's easier to not have 156 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:29,600 Speaker 2: to think about it at all, isn't it, and let 157 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,720 Speaker 2: them know that we actually get how that feels. Because frankly, 158 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 2: wouldn't it be nice if we could do the same 159 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:34,800 Speaker 2: thing every now and again? 160 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,760 Speaker 1: And I think about that approach justin in the flip 161 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,600 Speaker 1: side of going if twenty times they give their opinion 162 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:43,280 Speaker 1: and nothing is done about it, what if twenty times 163 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,120 Speaker 1: they don't give their opinion, but you keep coming back 164 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 1: and asking anyway, what you're communicating to them is actually no, no, 165 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,680 Speaker 1: I'm keeping coming back. So I care what you think, 166 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:51,400 Speaker 1: right right? 167 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,920 Speaker 2: And ultimately what we're talking about is, well, we're talking 168 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 2: about two things. Number one curiosity a number two encouragement. 169 00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 2: I think as parents we might do more to encourage 170 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:04,040 Speaker 2: our children to think about things. And so you know, 171 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 2: I've watched you, and I know that you're a thoughtful person. 172 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,280 Speaker 2: I've heard you say things before about other things, and 173 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:15,040 Speaker 2: you've expressed yourself really eloquently the way you articulate things 174 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 2: is extraordinary when you put the time into it. I 175 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,360 Speaker 2: wonder what you really think here. I know that you 176 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,160 Speaker 2: can come up with a great answer. So as we 177 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,960 Speaker 2: encourage our children, as we give them credit for what 178 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 2: they've done in the past, and as we get curious, 179 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,320 Speaker 2: I think we can probably solve a lot of Tracy's challenges. 180 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 1: I found back on the introvert thing you mentioned before, 181 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,600 Speaker 1: because Susie is an introvert, and I've found it's been 182 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,439 Speaker 1: difficult for me because there are times I want to 183 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 1: go and get her opinion on something in the moment, 184 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,439 Speaker 1: and what we've had to learn is that I've got 185 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 1: to ask her for opinion the day before I need it, 186 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,880 Speaker 1: and then come back, give her time to process and think, 187 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,440 Speaker 1: and then I get her opinions. But if I want 188 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:56,560 Speaker 1: it there and then then I rarely get critical thinking 189 00:08:56,679 --> 00:08:58,960 Speaker 1: from suits because she's got a process it differently than 190 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,840 Speaker 1: I have to process it. I can just chew the 191 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,720 Speaker 1: fat now and come up with a solution in ten minutes. 192 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:05,400 Speaker 1: Her brain is wired differently, and if I need her opinion, 193 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 1: I've got to do it on her terms. 194 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,960 Speaker 2: And I bet when you give Susie that notice she 195 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,240 Speaker 2: comes up which with much better solutions than you would 196 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,120 Speaker 2: have in your ten minutes. 197 00:09:12,559 --> 00:09:13,480 Speaker 1: That's not really. 198 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,040 Speaker 2: That's all right, I just touched a nerve. I'm sorry. 199 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:19,240 Speaker 1: I wouldn't go so far as that. 200 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,440 Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Gilson, thanks so much for being willing to 201 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 3: tackle Tracy's question. 202 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:25,800 Speaker 2: We appreciate it. I hope it helps. 203 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,559 Speaker 3: If you enjoy the podcast, please take a moment to 204 00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 3: rate it on iTunes. When you do that, it increases 205 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,760 Speaker 3: the visibility of the podcast and helps more people to 206 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,320 Speaker 3: find it. And if you're not a subscriber, jump onto 207 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,840 Speaker 3: Apple Podcasts and subscribe so that you can hear every 208 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:42,040 Speaker 3: episode as soon as it is uploaded. For more information 209 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:45,400 Speaker 3: on all of doctor Justin Coulson's books, programs, and podcasts, 210 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,200 Speaker 3: go to Happy Families dot com dot au. Or if 211 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 3: you'd like to have doctor Justin Coulson speak at your 212 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:58,000 Speaker 3: school or event, go to Justinculson dot com.