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Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coilson.

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Speaker 1: We are Lucan Suzie and this is the podcast for

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Speaker 1: time poor parents who just want answers now. Our next

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Speaker 1: guest is a doctor of psychology who writes for The

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Speaker 1: New York Times and is featured in Sydney's Daily Telegraph,

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Speaker 1: The Project, The Today Show and of course The Look

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Speaker 1: and Susie Radio Show. A closet middle aged man in

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Speaker 1: lycra and our family and parenting expert from Happy Families

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Speaker 1: dot com dot Are you please welcome father of six daughters,

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Speaker 1: Dr Justinkilson.

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Speaker 2: I feel a bit sorry to hear that. Yeah, the

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Speaker 2: inventor of the water jug died today. Tributes have been

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Speaker 2: pouring in.

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Speaker 3: Oh, that goes down as my favorite distrates.

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Speaker 2: They're looking for an agent in the Middle East. They

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Speaker 2: should check out guitar George. He knows all the Kurds. Oh,

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Speaker 2: it's one of their best songs. Check out guitar George,

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Speaker 2: he knows all the chords.

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Speaker 1: Okay, cool, I don't know.

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Speaker 2: What I should I shouldn't have known that one. I

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Speaker 2: should just get that's brought it down.

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Speaker 1: Actually, that book ended the whole list of your dad jokes.

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Speaker 1: It was my favorite end.

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Speaker 2: Can we edit like we on some sort of delay,

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Speaker 2: Just pretend that happened.

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Speaker 1: You live with the poor branding that you've just executed

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Speaker 1: right there, live with it justin all right, Well.

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Speaker 4: Let's move on.

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Speaker 5: How about we do that Tamika's question, because I'm desperate

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Speaker 5: to hear answer to this. Tamika wrote to us and

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Speaker 5: she said, what do others do to keep up with

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Speaker 5: their teens in all areas such as the latest lingo,

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Speaker 5: fashion devices, et cetera. I'm wanting to know how others

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Speaker 5: connect with their teens and maintain a strong line of communication.

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Speaker 1: So Tamika wants to know how to get jiggy with it.

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Speaker 2: I dare you to try that with the kids. They

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Speaker 2: both get both using those words and getting jiggy with it.

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Speaker 1: The most the most common thing I hear from my

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Speaker 1: ten year old about me over the last year or

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Speaker 1: so has been a cringe so crude. Thanks, I love it.

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Speaker 2: So remember when our children were little, we used to,

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Speaker 2: let's say they were playing lego or duplow or something

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Speaker 2: like that, and we used to get down on the

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Speaker 2: floor with them and really engage with them and spend

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Speaker 2: time with them. We were doing stuff together and how

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Speaker 2: long has it been since you've done that with your

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Speaker 2: teenager or even your ten year old. We don't spend

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Speaker 2: the same quantity of time or the same quality of

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Speaker 2: time as they get older. Part of that's normal, it's developmental.

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Speaker 2: The children are supposed to be doing things.

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Speaker 5: Part of it is the fact that when you two

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Speaker 5: and you make anything with duplo, they think it's the

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Speaker 5: coolest thing ever it is, and suddenly not so much

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Speaker 5: the older, they guess.

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Speaker 2: But I think behind Tamika's question, really is this recognition?

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Speaker 2: I used to say, just like dollars of our economy,

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Speaker 2: attentions the currency of our relationship. But I've changed it.

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Speaker 2: Just recently I was thinking about I thought, you know,

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Speaker 2: attention is in some ways the currency of our relationship,

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Speaker 2: but it depends on the kind of attention. I actually think,

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Speaker 2: just like dollars of the currency of our economy, connection

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Speaker 2: is the currency of our relationship. And so I'm less

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Speaker 2: interested in having the lingo of a teenager. I mean,

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Speaker 2: do you really want to start talking about your partner

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Speaker 2: or husband or wife as your bay before anyone else?

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Speaker 2: Do you? Do you really want to start using emojis

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Speaker 2: and saying lol, instead of actually laughing.

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Speaker 4: I just can't do it.

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Speaker 2: No, So and kids kind of do this, and they've

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Speaker 2: got a bajillion other acronyms and things that they do,

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Speaker 2: things that Luke's looking.

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Speaker 1: At us lost before anyone else.

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Speaker 2: You've not heard of your bay?

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Speaker 4: You I have heard of.

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Speaker 1: Bay, but not not with that, not with an acronym.

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Speaker 1: I just thought it was short for baby.

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Speaker 2: So this is about four years old, now five to

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Speaker 2: six years old.

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Speaker 1: Gosh, I know nothing anyway.

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Speaker 2: It's all about to happen, and it's all about that.

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Speaker 2: But I don't think I don't think that it's really

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Speaker 2: about having their lingo. I don't think it's about being

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Speaker 2: the cool parent who knows what the teenagers are up

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Speaker 2: to and knows how to send snapchats and you know

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Speaker 2: how to spend how to send snaps, and he knows

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Speaker 2: how to have a streak with their child. A streak

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Speaker 2: with their child does not mean running naked.

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Speaker 1: Going to say on Earth, this segment's gone to pot.

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Speaker 2: No, that means something else to it, all right, So

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Speaker 2: it's not about having the lingo. It's about having the connection.

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Speaker 2: If you've got the connection, if you've got the relationship,

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Speaker 2: the lingo doesn't matter the stuff that the cool. Nothing

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Speaker 2: looks worse. Nothing actually looks more pathetic than a forty

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Speaker 2: something year old parent try to be cool with their

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Speaker 2: sixteen year old teenager. It's just you've got to own

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Speaker 2: the fact that you're in your forties.

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Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, that's right in how we behave.

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Speaker 5: But I think part of the concern is if I

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Speaker 5: don't know what these words are that my child is using,

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Speaker 5: and I don't know what they mean, then they could

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Speaker 5: be getting up to stuff that I don't understand right

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Speaker 5: in front of my face.

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Speaker 1: And is it as much about like that the connection

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Speaker 1: that you mentioned, like if we don't if we don't

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Speaker 1: speak in a term that they understand, if we don't

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Speaker 1: understand what they're saying, then how do we have that connection?

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Speaker 2: I get what we're coming from with that, But I

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Speaker 2: think that if we've got a great connection, we can

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Speaker 2: just ask them what does this mean? I saw you

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Speaker 2: text this before I saw somebody text this to you,

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Speaker 2: what does that mean? If the connection is strong, they'll

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Speaker 2: tell us. If it's not, they'll lie to us. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and we'll never know. But we know there's this thing

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Speaker 2: called Google. It's amazing what you can find when you see.

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Speaker 4: That is true.

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Speaker 1: So comforting by the way, I'll either tell you the

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Speaker 1: truth all.

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Speaker 2: They'll light Yeah, but they will. And so what to

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Speaker 2: me is saying is I want to be I want

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Speaker 2: to keep up with my teens. How do I keep

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Speaker 2: up with them? You keep up with them by having

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Speaker 2: a relationship with them. You spend Sunday morning going for

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Speaker 2: a walk or popping down to their favorite cafe and

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Speaker 2: buying a milkshake, or you can do it low cost

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Speaker 2: and no cost activities. It's about time in the relationship.

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Speaker 5: And I like that you through in there earlier that

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Speaker 5: it's about being authentic as we are at whatever age

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Speaker 5: we are. I remember someone saying when I was very

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Speaker 5: like when I was young and entering youth ministry, they said,

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Speaker 5: a young person will orient themselves to the oldest person

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Speaker 5: in the room.

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Speaker 4: He'll take them seriously.

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Speaker 5: And so if they don't want you to act their age,

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Speaker 5: they want you to act your age and take them

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Speaker 5: seriously where they're at.

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Speaker 2: What beautiful wisdom.

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Speaker 1: And so one of the big things for me, because

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Speaker 1: you talked about connection being such an important issue, is

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Speaker 1: that if we don't understand what they're saying and they

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Speaker 1: can't understand what we're saying because we speak completely different languages.

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Speaker 1: We don't know the terms that they're using or the

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Speaker 1: things that actually trigger them. So I think about my

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Speaker 1: nephew on social media and what he he was so

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Speaker 1: upset about being left unread, and I'm like, I don't

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Speaker 1: understand what you're upset about it because what they let

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Speaker 1: me unread.

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Speaker 2: You know what's even worse is when they leave you red.

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Speaker 4: And don't reply.

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Speaker 2: I don't reply at all.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And I'm like, but but this is where I'm going.

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Speaker 4: I go, what's the big deal? Like, they're busy, they

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Speaker 4: haven't got to them.

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Speaker 1: Oh no, that's not what it means. And he just

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Speaker 1: went on to explain all this stuff, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I still don't get it.

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Speaker 4: And so how do we have connection if we don't get.

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Speaker 2: It, Well, we have conversations, and the conversations create the connection.

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Speaker 2: It's really that simple. Their world is different to ours,

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Speaker 2: or maybe his world is different to yours. Maybe there's

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Speaker 2: a cognitive distortion going on in his mind that makes

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Speaker 2: him feel insecure and unloved if people are leaving him unread,

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Speaker 2: or worse, if they're reading his messages and leaving him

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Speaker 2: read but not replying. I mean, that's the one that

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Speaker 2: usually blows people up. And so we get to talk

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Speaker 2: about that. We say, help me to understand why that

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Speaker 2: triggers you, and they're like, oh, triggers, because everything triggers people.

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Speaker 2: The trigger is the new word for the last few years.

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Speaker 2: So we want to explore. I talk a lot about

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Speaker 2: the three is of effective discipline, explore, explain, and empower.

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Speaker 2: But sometimes we don't need to use these things for discipline.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes we just use these things because they're useful communication tools.

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Speaker 2: So we say to this person, I've noticed that every

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Speaker 2: time this happens, you get irate. I've noticed that every

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Speaker 2: time this happens you reach for the phone and become

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Speaker 2: completely absorbed. I've noticed, help me to understand what's going

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Speaker 2: on here? What does this mean? What other interpretations could

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Speaker 2: we have? Let's talk about this. As parents, we need

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Speaker 2: to be wise coaches and mentors. We need to be

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Speaker 2: wise guides for our children. And if we don't understand

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Speaker 2: what their experience by asking them questions, then we can't

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Speaker 2: guide them well. But once again, the only way that

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Speaker 2: we can find those things out is by having a

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Speaker 2: strong connection with them.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I like the explore things that we had an

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Speaker 1: experience with our eight year old or I did recently

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Speaker 1: where he wanted us to go fishing in Sydney Harbor.

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Speaker 1: When I said, I actually, I've googled it. I've looked,

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Speaker 1: and while you were allowed to, I haven't found places

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Speaker 1: that could facilitate it for us because we won't have

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Speaker 1: our fishing gear with us. And I thought he would

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Speaker 1: just say, oh, that's okay, but he looked really sad

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Speaker 1: and I went, okay, he's not going with me here.

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Speaker 1: I said, So is that okay? He says, but I

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Speaker 1: really wanted to go fishing with you in Sydney Harbor

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Speaker 1: And I said, so why is that? Why is that

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Speaker 1: important to you? He said, because I really love fishing

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Speaker 1: with you, and it was he was he said like this.

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Speaker 1: The implication was, this is the best time that we've

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Speaker 1: had together and I want to recreate that. And so

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Speaker 1: my answer to him was, well what if we if

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Speaker 1: we can't do it on this trip, like, let's just

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Speaker 1: book in to go fishing went not on this trip

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Speaker 1: and we'll do that as well. He went, yes, we'll

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Speaker 1: do that as well. We'll we'll get a second go

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Speaker 1: at it. But it was only because I asked that

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Speaker 1: extra question, and I realized he wasn't being childish tantrum

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Speaker 1: me because he didn't get to do what he wanted.

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Speaker 1: He was sad because he was looking forward to this

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Speaker 1: bonding time with dad. So it was a great response.

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Speaker 1: But I only knew because I asked an extra question.

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Speaker 2: Connection is about being seen, heard, valued. We don't need

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Speaker 2: the lingo, we don't need know the acronyms. We don't

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Speaker 2: need to look like we're trying to be sixteen. We

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Speaker 2: just need to see them, hear them, and value them.

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Speaker 2: And when we do that, we keep up with them

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Speaker 2: just fine, because they invite us into their.

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Speaker 4: World, beautifully said doctor Justin Colson. Loved the wisdom. Thanks

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Speaker 4: so much for your time.

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Speaker 2: Thank you.

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Speaker 4: To find out more.

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Speaker 5: Info on all of Justin's books, podcasts, and programs, you

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Speaker 5: can go online to Happy Families dot com dot au.

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Speaker 5: And to find out how to have Justin come and

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Speaker 5: speak at your school, organization or event, go to Justin

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Speaker 5: Coulson dot com