Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
Speaker 1: welcome back to another episode of Life. I'm Cad, I'm Laura,
Speaker 1: I'm Brittany, And if you're listening to this on Monday,
Speaker 1: there is a very good chance that I am in
Speaker 1: the South African jungle.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 3: Very exciting.
Speaker 2: So we have it or is it exciting?
Speaker 4: Well, it's exciting for Matt because it means he made
Speaker 4: it to the end. Not so exciting for you because
Speaker 4: it means you've got a very big trip with two
Speaker 4: very small children.
Speaker 1: I'm just petrified of the long haul flight that has
Speaker 1: two layovers with two children through the night.
Speaker 2: I think it is going to be hell.
Speaker 3: On Earth one percent.
Speaker 4: I don't want to like rub that in, but you're
Speaker 4: gonna hate your life for the next couple of days.
Speaker 4: But the way this works is so we are recording
Speaker 4: this a few days early because your life gets put
Speaker 4: on hold. You're on standby for a flight because obviously
Speaker 4: people don't know who's going to be the last three
Speaker 4: in the show.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and also, like I mean, it's tricky for us.
Speaker 1: Actually, it's quite early that we're recording this because we
Speaker 1: don't know when Matt's gonna get out, So like if
Speaker 1: I do fly over there, I might be in the
Speaker 1: air and he could get out on TV, do you
Speaker 1: know what I mean?
Speaker 2: So I don't know.
Speaker 4: How annoyed would you be if you got there and
Speaker 4: you found out he'd already been eliminated.
Speaker 2: Fuck did they just send you straight back? So what
Speaker 2: does you get halfway? I think.
Speaker 1: I think if you get there, you still come home
Speaker 1: on your normal return flight, Like the return flight is booked,
Speaker 1: but it depends on how many days I get to
Speaker 1: get with him, because if he makes it through the final,
Speaker 1: I don't get any days with him. It's the final
Speaker 1: and then we fly home the next day, so we
Speaker 1: actually have no time in Africa together to actually enjoy Africa.
Speaker 2: No African activities had to look forward.
Speaker 1: So technically, if he gets out early, then I would
Speaker 1: have had some more time with it.
Speaker 2: You could go bunge jumping.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Keisha's been bungee jumping in South Africa everyone, in
Speaker 1: case you haven't heard, this is true.
Speaker 2: But also you guys.
Speaker 1: I mean, by the time this comes out, you will
Speaker 1: know the outcome because it would have been last night.
Speaker 2: But we are in the past. It's so hard to.
Speaker 1: Know what's happening. And I'm in fucking purgatory for I'm
Speaker 1: a celebrity right.
Speaker 4: Now, I'm manifesting. I feel like he's going to be
Speaker 4: one hundred percent finale. If not, he's gone for the win.
Speaker 4: That's what I think. That's a lot of pressure, I
Speaker 4: think for sure.
Speaker 2: I hope.
Speaker 1: So I think Reggie's pretty high up there. Like so
Speaker 1: Reggie Bird, for anyone doesn't know who she is, she's
Speaker 1: one big brother twice and she is very very like personable, relatable,
Speaker 1: but also just has like a really beautiful, incredible story
Speaker 1: around the hardship that she's faced with herself and also
Speaker 1: with her son.
Speaker 2: I kind of.
Speaker 1: Think that like she's getting the public vote, you know,
Speaker 1: Matt's just getting the force, like vote for my husband,
Speaker 1: vote I want to go to South Africa.
Speaker 2: Vote.
Speaker 5: Yeah, But he has been very entertaining, and I know
Speaker 5: that obviously we're a bit biased, because obviously last year, Britt,
Speaker 5: we were biased for you.
Speaker 2: And I'm also having sex with them, so I'm pretty
Speaker 2: biased and for a while I'm not.
Speaker 3: We're not having.
Speaker 2: Sex with him, thank god, thank god. That would be
Speaker 2: a real issue.
Speaker 5: Wouldn't that be a scandalous episode if that came out
Speaker 5: on an ask gun cut.
Speaker 1: Okay, let's put on a bet song, because, like I said,
Speaker 1: it is in the future, who do we think will
Speaker 1: make it top three? I think it'll be Reggie Fingers Cross,
Speaker 1: Matt and Max.
Speaker 3: That's what I think.
Speaker 2: I thought, Sam the rugby player.
Speaker 4: I think Max is taking Sam spot. Maybe if you're
Speaker 4: going to, like, I don't know why I'm laughing, you're
Speaker 4: just gonna like want to ref each up his clothes
Speaker 4: off and have sex or do you think you're like,
Speaker 4: I'm so fucking tired, and he's like I'm so hungry
Speaker 4: and scrawny, and it's just not going to be any
Speaker 4: love making.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't know what it's going to be like because
Speaker 1: there has never been a time in our relationship, like
Speaker 1: obviously we did long distance after The Bachelor for got
Speaker 1: like months, like five months or something crazy, but we
Speaker 1: could speak to each other every day, and we could
Speaker 1: FaceTime each other every day. I feel particularly disconnected from
Speaker 1: him at the moment because that's hard. Yeah, Like I've
Speaker 1: not had a single conversation with him for almost five weeks,
Speaker 1: which is as much as I've seen him on TV,
Speaker 1: you know, and like it's great seeing you on TV,
Speaker 1: and I'm very, very proud of him, but I don't
Speaker 1: feel I feel like I need to have a conversation
Speaker 1: with the man and be like, hello, I'm your wife.
Speaker 2: He also did staice to see you again. Here's a mango.
Speaker 2: He also said that he'd rather eat a mango than
Speaker 2: I have sex with you.
Speaker 3: So but now he can have both. He doesn't have
Speaker 3: to make the choices. You can do him simultaneously, or
Speaker 3: he could have sex with a mango.
Speaker 2: Or he can fuck a mango when he gets out,
Speaker 2: and it's gonna be fucking wild. I don't know. I
Speaker 2: honestly don't know how.
Speaker 1: I think it'd be very emotional for him seeing the
Speaker 1: girls as well, and that's the big reason why I'm
Speaker 1: taking them over.
Speaker 2: Yeah, even though it is.
Speaker 1: Like a hellish flight, and it's a very quick so
Speaker 1: I think by the time we get there, I think
Speaker 1: we're only there for a couple of days, maybe three
Speaker 1: nights in total, and then we fly back home, so
Speaker 1: it's a very quick round trip. But I'm doing it
Speaker 1: because I know that how much it'll mean to him
Speaker 1: to have the girls there, even though that that's going
Speaker 1: to be hell for me. And I also think I
Speaker 1: have like runs on the board now for like plenty
Speaker 1: of girls trips, like I am owed.
Speaker 3: Your bank is overflowing with your like payback bank.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Hamilton Island, anyone we're coming? Yeah, how I I'm going.
Speaker 2: I'm I book Day's golf bagging Noosa. I hear it's
Speaker 2: fabulous this time of year. I'll be there. Don't you worry.
Speaker 3: Oh, you would go into tsunami right now. You would
Speaker 3: be like, get me, you see me every weekend.
Speaker 1: You'd be like, is Laura away again? I'd be like, yes,
Speaker 1: with my girlfriends, it's been great.
Speaker 5: If we are the girlfriends that you're speaking about, I
Speaker 5: am absolutely keen to come.
Speaker 1: So yeah, So look, guys, like I said, I mean, unfortunately,
Speaker 1: you know everyone knows what the final has happened.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: I wish we could talk about it for this episode,
Speaker 1: but we won't know until like late this week on Wednesday.
Speaker 4: You remember, and like, this is how much Matt is
Speaker 4: going to be excited to see you.
Speaker 3: I remember when I came out of the jungle, all I.
Speaker 4: Wanted to do, like the intensity to see Ben, like
Speaker 4: the overwhelming feeling was so much that I booked a
Speaker 4: flight there and I was going to see him for
Speaker 4: one day. I was flying from South Africa to Scotland
Speaker 4: to surprise him for just over twenty four hours.
Speaker 3: Was costing me a bomb.
Speaker 4: But then I was going to fly back to Australia.
Speaker 4: I was on the runway. I'd organize the surprise. I'd
Speaker 4: organize the next door neighbors to leave keys out like
Speaker 4: I was going bit creepy, but I was going to
Speaker 4: be in his house when he got home he was.
Speaker 4: It would have been the best surprise I have ever
Speaker 4: pulled off. And that was probably one of the only
Speaker 4: flights in my life that's ever been canceled. I was
Speaker 4: on the runway to go and they canceled it because
Speaker 4: of weather, and.
Speaker 3: I was hysterical.
Speaker 4: You would have thought I family member had passed away,
Speaker 4: like because I was just so upset at how close
Speaker 4: it was, and then it got taken away from me.
Speaker 4: Because the feeling is just so intensified. Like you said,
Speaker 4: I'm always away from Ben. You're away from your family,
Speaker 4: but you're not even speaking, so it's intensified.
Speaker 1: Trust me, If I'm stuck in Singapore sitting on a
Speaker 1: plane and the flight gets cancered with two kids, I
Speaker 1: also will be hysterical.
Speaker 2: You'd be happy. I will feel the same.
Speaker 1: No, I will if I am stuck with a cancer
Speaker 1: layover with two kids in an airport, will be devastated.
Speaker 5: Have you ever given them for energen? No, that that
Speaker 5: can be a bit of a dice roll. I don't
Speaker 5: want to tempt that no drug. I'm also not like,
Speaker 5: I'm not a melotonin mum. I've never done melotonin.
Speaker 1: I know it works for a lot of people, and
Speaker 1: like a lot of people are cool with giving melotonin
Speaker 1: to their kids and like absolutely no judgment on that.
Speaker 2: I just kind of feel weird about it.
Speaker 1: And my kids are relatively good, soly like they go
Speaker 1: to sleep pretty that's a lie. I was like, do
Speaker 1: I call bullshit on leads? Are fucking terrible, But I
Speaker 1: still don't want to give the melotonin. I feel bad
Speaker 1: about it. So actually the worst sleeper, Laura tried to
Speaker 1: sleep on my face last night, so yeah, I really cat.
Speaker 1: She's like it's really warm here, so she like lays
Speaker 1: horizontal across my face. Anyway, that's it. So that's my
Speaker 1: update for me, guys. I will once I know more,
Speaker 1: you will be the first to know.
Speaker 3: Well, that's always I'll already know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but like once you know more about like how
Speaker 1: it's been on our side, you know, you'll see what
Speaker 1: plays out on TV.
Speaker 2: But you know, I'll tell you. I'll update you on
Speaker 2: the Mango and.
Speaker 4: We're gonna get mad On and we'll chat all about it.
Speaker 4: We'll catch up with him and see how it went.
Speaker 4: Compare notes.
Speaker 2: We'll get a Mango to sponsorship and.
Speaker 3: Roost Juice come for us, Mango Smooth.
Speaker 1: This episode is brought to you by this Juice, and
Speaker 1: I mean it's not I wish it was, but here
Speaker 1: we are.
Speaker 2: Let's get into our vibes.
Speaker 1: No n subscribed. Before we answer your questions, what's your
Speaker 1: vibe of the week.
Speaker 4: My vibe is a Netflix show. It's number one or
Speaker 4: two at the moment, so it's not shocking. Apple Cider
Speaker 4: Vinegar Okay.
Speaker 2: I started this and I got like five minutes in
Speaker 2: and I was like, I hey, this.
Speaker 3: It was really hard.
Speaker 4: I'm vibing it because I really loved the issues that
Speaker 4: it highlighted.
Speaker 3: More so so if you don't know what it is.
Speaker 4: Apple Cider Vinegar is the Netflix show that is based
Speaker 4: on the story of Belle Gibson, who pretended she had
Speaker 4: cancer scammed a lot of people like, really horrible. She's
Speaker 4: the Aussie. I mean, most people know who she is,
Speaker 4: but if you don't. They've turned it into a Netflix
Speaker 4: series and they really lead into the fact that it's
Speaker 4: fiction and nonfiction. It's based on a true story, but
Speaker 4: we're also trying to make a.
Speaker 2: Drama where Baby Reindeer. Oh no, they did.
Speaker 3: It's a theme.
Speaker 4: Every single episode is a bit of a joke on it.
Speaker 4: One of the characters is in character and they look
Speaker 4: at the camera and they were like, just to reiterate
Speaker 4: whilst that we are making this drama, we want to
Speaker 4: be clear that Belle Gibson did not make a cent
Speaker 4: from this, And they really lead into the fact from
Speaker 4: off the back of Baby Reindeer. But I like the
Speaker 4: fact that it highlighted the dangers surrounding with holding from
Speaker 4: traditional medicine and only using like juice, cleanses and a
Speaker 4: highlights that they go to Mexico and they do all
Speaker 4: these meditation and whatever else to try and treat their cancer. Now,
Speaker 4: I'm all for holistic approaches combined with traditional medicine, like
Speaker 4: I think that they can go hand in hand, but
Speaker 4: it highlighted the problems with foregoing medicine.
Speaker 1: What was the name of her app that she had,
Speaker 1: Bell Gibson, the whole pantry, the whole pantry.
Speaker 3: So they talk all about.
Speaker 4: It, they talk all about the app, they talk about
Speaker 4: her whole story. It's really fascinating, and I guess I
Speaker 4: want to say I learned a lot about her story,
Speaker 4: but I also don't know how much was a bit
Speaker 4: of added flavor.
Speaker 1: I find it that this is an interesting vibe, you,
Speaker 1: brit because I have, like you said, Kish, I have
Speaker 1: heard very mixed reviews because I was really excited to
Speaker 1: watch it, and when I first saw that it was
Speaker 1: coming out. I find the Bell Gibson case devastatingly interesting. Like,
Speaker 1: I really find it fascinating, but I also just like
Speaker 1: cannot comprehend the hurt and the extortion that that was
Speaker 1: to so many families who were already suffering with kids. Yeah, however, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it hasn't had great reviews, and I wonder if it's
Speaker 1: because of the way in which it's been created or
Speaker 1: people expecting it to be more of a documentary style.
Speaker 3: It's had mixed reviews.
Speaker 4: I think at the same time as I'm recommending it
Speaker 4: that I enjoyed some of the themes in it. It
Speaker 4: was also quite annoying at times, Like I was frustrated
Speaker 4: and I was annoyed, so I don't know how.
Speaker 3: I know there's a lot of people saying I don't
Speaker 3: know how they can go hand in hand.
Speaker 2: Did you like, like this is a recommendation, but you
Speaker 2: might hate it. No, but you know why, I'm okay.
Speaker 4: I was annoyed by the themes because you could see
Speaker 4: what was happening. You could see that there were people
Speaker 4: withholding using medicine, and it was frustrating because I was like.
Speaker 3: I know what's going to happen, Like why are you
Speaker 3: doing this? Listen to the doctors I was. I found
Speaker 3: myself frustrated and angry.
Speaker 4: But I thought it was almost like I owed it
Speaker 4: to the families that got.
Speaker 3: Scammed that I wanted to watch it through.
Speaker 4: I had like this weird attachment to it where I thought,
Speaker 4: this is real people's lives, like I do want to
Speaker 4: see this out and I do want to see what happens.
Speaker 3: Some of the acting was brilliant.
Speaker 4: There's an Australian actress in it, Alicia Debenham Kerry, who
Speaker 4: was Brillian. The lead girl is actually American. The girl
Speaker 4: that plays Bell is American, and her Australian accent was
Speaker 4: really really good.
Speaker 3: Like, I take my hat off to it.
Speaker 4: Very divisive, It's not some people are frothing it and
Speaker 4: some people are hating it. I'm sitting somewhere in the middle,
Speaker 4: but enough that I was like, you know what, what
Speaker 4: shouldn't tell.
Speaker 3: Me what you think?
Speaker 5: That was similar with Baby Reindeer though, and I remember
Speaker 5: even people in our own Facebook group were like, Keisha,
Speaker 5: I think you're just a bit too basic for this
Speaker 5: because you're not supposed to enjoy it.
Speaker 2: You're supposed to feel uncomfortable by the content. And I
Speaker 2: was like, no, that's not why I want to do here.
Speaker 2: I am a bit more basic than I loved it.
Speaker 5: Anyway, My vibe for this week is it's a podcast
Speaker 5: episode of mid which is done by hollywayen Wright at
Speaker 5: Mamma Mia, and it is the episode with Amanda Kella
Speaker 5: and her best friend Anita McGregor.
Speaker 2: Now, Amanda Kella is.
Speaker 5: Someone that for a really really long time I have idolized.
Speaker 2: I think she is absolutely.
Speaker 5: Fantastic, particularly when I was in radio, when I was
Speaker 5: like a radio host, I looked at Amanda as someone
Speaker 5: that I just so wanted to be like, you know.
Speaker 5: I think that she has this beautiful vulnerability in the
Speaker 5: way that she talks on radio and the way that
Speaker 5: she connects with people, and I just find her so
Speaker 5: incredibly likable and intelligent. And her best friend, Anita McGregor,
Speaker 5: is a forensic psychologist. So they actually have a podcast themselves,
Speaker 5: and I have listened to that in the past. I
Speaker 5: don't know why I haven't listened to it for a
Speaker 5: little while. Actually I should get back into that. But
Speaker 5: this particular episode that they did with Holly on mid
Speaker 5: was about their best friendship, and it was about women's
Speaker 5: friendships in general. And there was this little part that
Speaker 5: Holly did at the start that actually brought me to
Speaker 5: tears because she was talking about how she had this
Speaker 5: best friend and they've been best friends for decades and
Speaker 5: it was just such a special friendship that she's carried
Speaker 5: with her throughout her entire adult life, and how they
Speaker 5: have just been these pillars for each other and anyway,
Speaker 5: she kind of went into this conversation and asking Amanda
Speaker 5: and Anita, who have been best friends for seventeen years,
Speaker 5: how they have helped each other navigate different life stages,
Speaker 5: different you know, parts of their friendship, whether they give
Speaker 5: each other feedback that's.
Speaker 2: Honest or if they're just supportive.
Speaker 5: And it was just one of those episodes that I
Speaker 5: listened to and I was like, oh, fuck, female friendship
Speaker 5: is just actually so important, you know, like.
Speaker 3: You don't get that message from THEE on Top podcast.
Speaker 5: Of course they do, but I think it's different when
Speaker 5: it comes from people who are a little bit older
Speaker 5: than me. I had a similar response when I listened
Speaker 5: to Jane Fonder on Julia Louis Dreyfus's podcast quite a
Speaker 5: while ago. I vibed that a long time ago because
Speaker 5: they were just talking about female friendship and it was
Speaker 5: it was a beautiful reminder for me of really nurturing
Speaker 5: the friendships in my life because I will need them
Speaker 5: over the course of my lifetime. So yeah, Mid with
Speaker 5: Amanda Keller and Anita McGregor, it's the most recent episode.
Speaker 1: Well, my recommendation is for anybody who is potentially a
Speaker 1: content creator or finds themselves needing to be hands free
Speaker 1: and facing their phone, Britt you have on your phone
Speaker 1: like a suction case. So like Brut's had this thing
Speaker 1: on for a while og. It's like a full suction
Speaker 1: case that you can like stick your phone onto anything.
Speaker 2: You could. I mean, I don't recommend it, but you
Speaker 2: could stick your phone onto your laptop screen. I do that.
Speaker 1: You can stick it onto your window, you can stick
Speaker 1: it onto anything, right Like it genuinely sticks to a wall.
Speaker 2: So I tried the one.
Speaker 1: That you have bre It, but I kind of hated
Speaker 1: that I couldn't ever take it off the case because
Speaker 1: it's very bulky and it's quite difficult to get your
Speaker 1: phone in and out of your pocket.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: So there is one that I have found which comes
Speaker 1: with either a magnet or it goes directly onto the
Speaker 1: back of your phone, and it is from Casemate. But
Speaker 1: it's basically like an attachment that you can put onto
Speaker 1: your phone which allows you to stick your phone anywhere
Speaker 1: and do things hand free. So for us who are
Speaker 1: constantly like doing stories or we're on our phones a lot,
Speaker 1: I find it incredibly handy.
Speaker 2: I think you guys are gonna be like, what the
Speaker 2: hell is she talking about?
Speaker 1: But if you're watching it on YouTube, you'll know exactly
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about because I'm holding it up in
Speaker 1: the air.
Speaker 2: They're so good the very handy.
Speaker 4: I stick mine everywhere because I'm always talking to Ben.
Speaker 4: So like when I'm cooking, just stick it on the
Speaker 4: kitchen wall and I just will move around the kitchen
Speaker 4: as i'm you know what I mean, Like it just
Speaker 4: goes in going into the shower, having some sexy time,
Speaker 4: goes on the window.
Speaker 2: Well, I stick mine on the pelt.
Speaker 1: Like anytime I'm on the peloton, I stick it on
Speaker 1: the screen of my peloton, and then I can do
Speaker 1: do stuff whilst I'm working out.
Speaker 2: I use it when I'm doing makeup.
Speaker 5: If I'm watching a makeup tutorial and I'm trying to
Speaker 5: imitate it, I put it on the mirror next to
Speaker 5: my face so I.
Speaker 1: Can do makeup tutorials and actually copy them like as
Speaker 1: you're watching them.
Speaker 2: I try to do.
Speaker 1: I don't know that.
Speaker 2: I don't know anyone who does that.
Speaker 5: That's wow, really yeah, That's the only way that I'm
Speaker 5: able to like do my I've had a lot of
Speaker 5: weddings and we've had a lot of awards things.
Speaker 2: Lately, and I don't pay to get my makeup.
Speaker 1: So you do it in like real time, like you'll
Speaker 1: watch it as they step by step you through and
Speaker 1: then you stop, start, stop, start.
Speaker 5: I pause and then I try and copy it, and
Speaker 5: then I hit play, and then I try and copy.
Speaker 2: The next bit.
Speaker 3: I've done the same makeup every day of my life.
Speaker 1: I never change it, so I am the most repetitive,
Speaker 1: basic bitch that there is. I don't ever try something new.
Speaker 1: I'm not about trying new things. Well, I'm about safety.
Speaker 5: Maybe you could now that you've got your sticky case mate,
Speaker 5: that's true anymore?
Speaker 2: Or a makeup.
Speaker 3: Tutorial is not on twenty twenty five bing go list.
Speaker 2: No, but maybe watching one. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I'm creative, but not with makeup. I know what works
Speaker 1: me unless it is more because I look like I'm
Speaker 1: doesn't do me well.
Speaker 2: Anyway, let's get into the questions.
Speaker 3: Okay, Question number one.
Speaker 4: My husband passed away in an accident nearly three years ago.
Speaker 4: He was twenty nine, and we've been together since we
Speaker 4: were sixteen.
Speaker 3: That's really sair.
Speaker 4: After years of heartache, which will live with me forever,
Speaker 4: I'm finally feeling open to the idea of dating again.
Speaker 4: I've recently reconnected with an old friend who was also
Speaker 4: a friend of my husband's.
Speaker 3: He has the most.
Speaker 4: Grounded, secure, kind energy, and I have found myself having
Speaker 4: feelings for him. I have no idea where he stands
Speaker 4: on this situation and whether or not he sees me
Speaker 4: is just a friend or has feelings too. I want
Speaker 4: to ask him slash tell him how I'm feeling, but
Speaker 4: I don't know if I want to risk getting it
Speaker 4: wrong and potentially uplifting our friendship.
Speaker 1: I mean, like, I guess there's a kind of two
Speaker 1: questions in this. It seems like the main one is
Speaker 1: like the fear of getting it wrong. The reality is
Speaker 1: is you could get it wrong no matter who it
Speaker 1: is that you have feelings for. You could put yourself
Speaker 1: out there and you could be rejected. Like that's a
Speaker 1: very real thing when it comes to dating. Obviously, there's
Speaker 1: an added layer to it in terms of he is
Speaker 1: someone who was friends of your husband's. But also I
Speaker 1: kind of think that if he is this like kind, grounded,
Speaker 1: like understanding person that you've described him as, I don't
Speaker 1: think he's going to come to you with judgment if
Speaker 1: you say that you have feelings for him, and you
Speaker 1: explain it in an honest way, like it's been three years,
Speaker 1: you clearly loved your husband so much. This is not
Speaker 1: you moving on at rapid pace with his best friend.
Speaker 1: This is a very like considered and conscious thing with
Speaker 1: a lot of time in between. And I certainly don't
Speaker 1: think that you should feel bad or feel guilty. If
Speaker 1: you do feel bad or feel guilty for having these feelings,
Speaker 1: I think that it's really understandable, and it's actually probably
Speaker 1: more common than what you might realize, that people have
Speaker 1: feelings for someone who's already within their network because they
Speaker 1: become a huge comfort to them through grief.
Speaker 4: Yeah, my heart really really hurts for you, like thinking
Speaker 4: that you're only twenty nine, you were together since you're sixteen,
Speaker 4: and you lost the love of your life. It's a
Speaker 4: huge thing to experience at a really young age. Horrible,
Speaker 4: And I want to start by saying like, I cannot imagine,
Speaker 4: so take my advice with a grain of salt.
Speaker 3: But I feel like I want to say, you probably.
Speaker 4: Know better than ever that life is short, Like you
Speaker 4: don't need people to tell you that you have lived it.
Speaker 4: So if you have these feelings, I think I say
Speaker 4: tell him. I think I say talk to him about
Speaker 4: it and just see there is a chance that maybe
Speaker 4: it is being confused with a connection that you know
Speaker 4: you both share with your husband and that's why you're close,
Speaker 4: or it's a chance that it is super real and
Speaker 4: he feels it too. It's so normal to have these
Speaker 4: feelings for people that you spend a lot of time with. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and I think your guilty is only coming from the
Speaker 4: fact that he ran in the same circle. It's not
Speaker 4: that you're moving on. It sounds like it's just that
Speaker 4: he also knew who your husband was.
Speaker 2: But you one.
Speaker 3: Hundred percent deserve to be happy. And I do agree
Speaker 3: with you, Laura.
Speaker 4: Whilst we don't know him, he sounds like a wonderful
Speaker 4: friend and a wonderful human that I think if you
Speaker 4: said that I think I have feelings for you, I
Speaker 4: don't think that's going to make him never want to
Speaker 4: speak to you again.
Speaker 3: If you did get it wrong.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I mean look, I mean reading your question again,
Speaker 1: there isn't anything in here that says that you feel
Speaker 1: guilty for having feelings. That doesn't say anything that you
Speaker 1: feel as though like maybe you should be concerned about
Speaker 1: the fact that you had now had feelings for a
Speaker 1: man that was once friends or his friends with your
Speaker 1: husband who passed away. But what you've asked is I
Speaker 1: want to ask him or tell him about how I'm feeling,
Speaker 1: but I don't want to get it wrong and potentially
Speaker 1: just ruin the friendship. I don't think it'll totally ruin
Speaker 1: the friendship, but I do think that you can approach
Speaker 1: this conversation slowly, and I think that it can be
Speaker 1: kind of a bit of a slow creep. I don't
Speaker 1: think you need to sit down with him and be like,
Speaker 1: these feelings are overwhelming, I'm.
Speaker 2: In love with you.
Speaker 1: Like it would be more of a how much you
Speaker 1: appreciate them being there and being there for you, and
Speaker 1: how your feelings have started to evolve, and how did
Speaker 1: they feel about that, you know, And I think that
Speaker 1: that is kind of a softer way to approach it
Speaker 1: than emotionally dumping.
Speaker 4: I want to go so far as to say too,
Speaker 4: it doesn't just have to be verbal, Like you can
Speaker 4: put signals out, you can put your feelers out with touch,
Speaker 4: you can flirt, you can there are things that you
Speaker 4: can do to see if it's reciprocated. Most people can
Speaker 4: feel it out and see if someone's flirting back, Like
Speaker 4: you can tell if someone's reciprocating feelings when you put
Speaker 4: them out there, or if it's an awkward moment where
Speaker 4: they haven't like doubled down on the feeling, like you
Speaker 4: will get a vibe. And if you are putting those
Speaker 4: feelers out a little bit, like even if it's something
Speaker 4: that you wouldn't normally do, that still could be innocent
Speaker 4: a touch of the leg or like an extra long
Speaker 4: hug or a you know, those little things where you
Speaker 4: brush past someone. There are all these little ways of
Speaker 4: trying to investigate if you don't want to go like
Speaker 4: helpful leather, if you don't want to sit them down
Speaker 4: and be like, look, I think.
Speaker 1: I love you, but don't you think like maybe those
Speaker 1: things have already been done. And that's why she's at
Speaker 1: a point where she's like, Okay, I'm wondering whether I'm
Speaker 1: picking up on these things. I can only imagine though,
Speaker 1: that there is an added layer of absolute confusion when
Speaker 1: you add in the fact that you know he's someone
Speaker 1: who was friends of your late husband's. I don't know
Speaker 1: how you navigate that without having the conversation with a
Speaker 1: bit more honesty and a bit more openness, because you've
Speaker 1: both been through so much like that is a huge
Speaker 1: grief that the two of you have been through. So
Speaker 1: I agree with what you're saying in a normal situation.
Speaker 1: But I'm not sure if just like pivoting the friendship
Speaker 1: to flirty town necessarily would be the best way for
Speaker 1: you to go about it when you've been friends for
Speaker 1: so long.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: It's a tricky it's a really tricky one to navigate,
Speaker 1: and I just think it's an honest conversation.
Speaker 4: Yeah, But I think the strange thing here is it's
Speaker 4: not they haven't been besties for ages, she said. I've
Speaker 4: recently reconnected with an old friend, so he hasn't been
Speaker 4: in the circle for a long time. They haven't been
Speaker 4: really close. Best is there were friends a long time ago,
Speaker 4: all obviously in the same circle. They've reconnected.
Speaker 1: Why have you reconnected? Why have you sought each other out? Well,
Speaker 1: that's a good question. Did he seek you out? And
Speaker 1: was he like, hey, it'll be nice to catch up.
Speaker 3: Did you seek him?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 4: Ask yourself all these things. But I really want to say,
Speaker 4: life is really short. If you have these feelings, every
Speaker 4: part of me wants to say to you, you deserve
Speaker 4: to be happy, and you deserve to fall in love.
Speaker 4: And if you think that it's reciprocated, then I want
Speaker 4: to say go for it, Like, I can't imagine any
Speaker 4: pain that you were going to experience is going to
Speaker 4: be remotely similar to what you have been through.
Speaker 3: I would be taking a chance in love, but that's
Speaker 3: but I'm a romantic.
Speaker 2: Yeah, take a chance.
Speaker 1: No, I agree, And I think it's always good to
Speaker 1: ask yourself to be a question of like what am
Speaker 1: I going to lose by being honest in this? And
Speaker 1: like if it uproots the friendship and the friendship does shift,
Speaker 1: Like if you do lose that friendship, Like what does
Speaker 1: that look like for you? Is that a risk you're
Speaker 1: willing to take? Like is the friendship one that's so
Speaker 1: imperative to you because it's not necessarily a friendship when
Speaker 1: you have these feelings anyway, you know it's already compromised.
Speaker 1: So at least, like you have the answer to your question.
Speaker 4: But also, can you send us this in as an aftermath?
Speaker 4: Like can you update us on what you do and
Speaker 4: what happens with this situation? This is one I'm proper
Speaker 4: invested in.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree, all right.
Speaker 1: A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I attended
Speaker 1: my cousin's babies dedication at church, which I'm guessing is
Speaker 1: kind of like a christening.
Speaker 2: Yea.
Speaker 1: All was going well until they announced in front of
Speaker 1: all of our friends and family that my husband and
Speaker 1: I were the godparents to their child.
Speaker 2: We were shocked.
Speaker 1: There was no previous conversations around this topic, and my
Speaker 1: husband and I agreed that if they asked us, we
Speaker 1: would politely decline, as it's a serious role to take
Speaker 1: on and we already have three kids of our own
Speaker 1: and wanted to try for another one. We stood there
Speaker 1: awkwardly smiling and didn't know how to react. We were
Speaker 1: never asked to be their child's godparents, and we're announced
Speaker 1: with the title in front of everyone, with no prior discussion.
Speaker 1: My question is is it root of me to have
Speaker 1: a conversation with them and to explain to them that
Speaker 1: we thought it was unfair of them to announce that
Speaker 1: in front of our entire family when we were never
Speaker 1: even asked if we would take on the role. Or
Speaker 1: should I say nothing and pretend like we aren't bothered
Speaker 1: by it?
Speaker 3: This is wild.
Speaker 1: There are things that you can get away with not
Speaker 1: asking no. They obviously were so confident that you were
Speaker 1: going to.
Speaker 2: Say yes no.
Speaker 4: That is so ballsy to assume that people would take
Speaker 4: your kids if you die.
Speaker 2: I don's a question.
Speaker 3: That's what god parents mean.
Speaker 2: No, it doesn't.
Speaker 1: A godparent traditionally just means that you are responsible for
Speaker 1: the religious upbringing of that child. You're not responsible for
Speaker 1: inheriting that child if you pass away.
Speaker 4: No, I have been asked to be I'm so many
Speaker 4: people's godparents because because I've got no kids, and all
Speaker 4: of them it's who you want your child to go
Speaker 4: to if something happens to you. Of course it's about
Speaker 4: like the bringing up as well, but if God forbid
Speaker 4: something happened to parents, it's about who the person is
Speaker 4: that they trust to be the stepping parent.
Speaker 1: Okay, genuinely, and I say this from someone who was
Speaker 1: raised in the Catholic Church. But a classic Christian godparent,
Speaker 1: if that's where this is, is a person who presents
Speaker 1: a child at baptism to promise to take responsibility for
Speaker 1: their religious education.
Speaker 3: I think it's evolved.
Speaker 2: I agree, I.
Speaker 1: Agree, but I don't think that every single person out
Speaker 1: there who has taken on the responsibility of a godparent
Speaker 1: necessarily is also taking on the responsibility of adopting the
Speaker 1: child or something.
Speaker 3: Because I've got a lot of kids coming my way.
Speaker 1: If something happens to the parents. Yeah, look, I mean
Speaker 1: brazen bold. Maybe it's because people don't really often say
Speaker 1: no to that request. I think like godparent request is
Speaker 1: kind of like being asked to be a bridesmaid. Most
Speaker 1: people just say yes, even if they do it reluctantly. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm okay, this is my thing, right. I'm not religious,
Speaker 1: but I have said yes to being people's godparents, because
Speaker 1: when you're not religious, it means something else. So I
Speaker 1: can't come to it from a religious aspect because I
Speaker 1: didn't grow up in a church. But for me, the
Speaker 1: people that have asked me to be a godparent, it
Speaker 1: has been to be there when they need you, et cetera,
Speaker 1: et cetera, to help raise the baby if you need to.
Speaker 1: But it's also if something goes wrong, it's almost like
Speaker 1: writing them into a will.
Speaker 3: So that's my experience.
Speaker 4: If that is your experience here, which I'm not saying
Speaker 4: it is, maybe it's just about the religion and teaching them.
Speaker 4: If it is your experience, that is a really big thing.
Speaker 4: And I think you absolutely are entitled to have a
Speaker 4: conversation yeah and say, hey, what are the expectations around this?
Speaker 4: Like when you say I'm your godparent, what level of
Speaker 4: involvement does that mean? And really clarify what it means
Speaker 4: because evidently, even as we've discovered in this conversation, it
Speaker 4: means very different things to different people.
Speaker 2: So I think you really need to firstly.
Speaker 4: Not out what are the expectations of your role as godparent,
Speaker 4: and then maybe you can decide because if it's really
Speaker 4: low key and it's just a title, because that means
Speaker 4: you mean something to them and you don't have to
Speaker 4: do that much, then just look at it maybe as
Speaker 4: an honor. But if they have these really high expectations
Speaker 4: and it does maybe mean that you have to inherit
Speaker 4: the children one day and it's quite excessive and you
Speaker 4: don't want that, then I think that that is a
Speaker 4: different discussion.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I absolutely agree.
Speaker 1: I think have that and then once you understand what
Speaker 1: their expectations are of you in that role, then you
Speaker 1: can say whether or not you do or don't feel
Speaker 1: comfortable to be that person. But also like asking someone
Speaker 1: to be that significant thing or person in your life,
Speaker 1: whether it might be at bridesmaid, whether it might be
Speaker 1: a godparent, whatever it is, maybe it's asking someone.
Speaker 2: To marry you.
Speaker 1: It's like, that's a moment that's like a special thing
Speaker 1: that you share with that person that makes them feel
Speaker 1: valued and respected and important, and you share it with
Speaker 1: them first because those qualities are so important prior to
Speaker 1: sharing it with everyone, you know what I mean. It's
Speaker 1: like a thing that makes that person feel individual within
Speaker 1: something that's very special to everyone.
Speaker 3: And maybe they thought you were going to say no,
Speaker 3: so they're like, we'll just put them on the sp.
Speaker 2: Do you reckon?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 3: Why else do you do it?
Speaker 2: Weird? One.
Speaker 4: The only reason you ever ask people things or say
Speaker 4: statements in front of other people, like witnesses, is so
Speaker 4: that they can't say no one they feel pressured to
Speaker 4: say us.
Speaker 2: But who says no to being a godparent like that? People?
Speaker 1: Yes, I do agree, but it's also quite an offensive response.
Speaker 1: Like if I was like, hey, I love you and
Speaker 1: I want you to be such a big part of
Speaker 1: my child's life and I love you to be their godparent,
Speaker 1: and someone was like, oh, not for.
Speaker 2: Me, but it's a lifelong responsibility.
Speaker 1: I know it is, But I would think that if
Speaker 1: you're choosing someone to be a godparent, you've chosen them
Speaker 1: because you think that they're going to be a lifelong
Speaker 1: person in your life and your child's life. You guys
Speaker 1: are clearly on the wrong page, Like you are not
Speaker 1: feeling the same about this role.
Speaker 4: Which is why there are some things I think like, oh,
Speaker 4: bite the bullet, just let it happen.
Speaker 3: But like a lifelong dedication to a.
Speaker 4: Child is not one of those things where I'm going
Speaker 4: to say bite the bullet. I think you need to
Speaker 4: have the conversation and just one hundred percent comes down
Speaker 4: to what they see your role with as a god parent.
Speaker 2: Do you know what this reminds me of.
Speaker 1: It's very different, but you're just like ride the ride
Speaker 1: the wave with me everyone. It's like when you're like
Speaker 1: casually dating someone. You're casually dating, you are not committed.
Speaker 1: This is a situation ship. I am not your girlfriend,
Speaker 1: and then they just introduce you as their girlfriend and
Speaker 1: you're like, I did not fucking sign up for that power.
Speaker 2: How do we get here? Why am I meeting your mom?
Speaker 4: Or you're the person that's doing it, You're the person
Speaker 4: introducing the situationship as a boyfriend.
Speaker 1: Yes, unless unless you're the other first. But this happened
Speaker 1: to me many many years ago. We were like chill, chill, chill,
Speaker 1: everything's chill. And then all of a sudden, I was
Speaker 1: introduced as a girlfriend. I was like, we're not chill anymore.
Speaker 1: And then I was like freaked out. They had to
Speaker 1: break up with him. It was awful, just like, let
Speaker 1: me sign up.
Speaker 2: That's the opposite. You were the one who's like, stop
Speaker 2: introducing me as your friend. We've been hooking up for
Speaker 2: four months.
Speaker 4: You're like, we've been together for five years, we lived together,
Speaker 4: we're invited to weddings.
Speaker 2: Did this happen yeah, Todbleran no, no before Yeah, stop
Speaker 2: introduce not just one that's bad.
Speaker 4: To be fair, my partner I was with for two
Speaker 4: years and I was getting married two years to do
Speaker 4: that too, but he hate the sociopath.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think all this is the reason why we've
Speaker 1: bonded so deeply over the years. We've all experienced it.
Speaker 1: The guy my situationship of an entire year. I met
Speaker 1: his mum finally, and it was around Christmas time and
Speaker 1: I thought I was meeting his mum because we were dating,
Speaker 1: and I got caught a mate, so that was also
Speaker 1: this is my mate, Laura.
Speaker 3: Okay, we're taking a trip our memory.
Speaker 4: I remember when I was meeting this guy I was
Speaker 4: with for two years, right, like thought I was with
Speaker 4: him probably obviously though we're getting married. I remember meeting
Speaker 4: his parents and you know, this makes me sound like
Speaker 4: hindsight's a wonderful thing. I realized that I can see
Speaker 4: the red flags in hindsight, but when you're in it,
Speaker 4: you don't see it.
Speaker 3: We were going to meet his parents for the first time,
Speaker 3: which was already, mind you, well over a year in.
Speaker 4: And he said, I just want to preface this, like,
Speaker 4: I think I'm just going to introduce you as a friend.
Speaker 4: And I was like why, and he's like, it's just
Speaker 4: too hard at the moment. My parents are going through
Speaker 4: a divorce. It's all very messy. They were really this
Speaker 4: is what he said. They were really attached to my
Speaker 4: ex and I just don't want them to be like
Speaker 4: a thing where they don't like you because you're the
Speaker 4: new person yet.
Speaker 3: So and I was like, totally get that. I really
Speaker 3: want them to like me. So I fucking met them
Speaker 3: as a friend.
Speaker 4: His parents had been divorced for like fifteen years. Everything
Speaker 4: was bullshit, and I went through that and I met
Speaker 4: them as the friend.
Speaker 2: Can you believe.
Speaker 1: That what I can't believe is that people take advice
Speaker 1: from as the.
Speaker 2: Three of us.
Speaker 1: I learned my lessons absolutely fucking useless.
Speaker 2: It's weird. No one has asked me to be their
Speaker 2: child's good parent.
Speaker 5: Not a single person, neither of I'm no godparents. Yeah,
Speaker 5: I don't think you and I scream religious upbringing. I
Speaker 5: also don't have godparents for my children. And I think
Speaker 5: the reason why I don't have godparents for Lola Omali
Speaker 5: is because of what it means to me to be
Speaker 5: a godparent, Because when being raised Catholic, and being raised
Speaker 5: in the church, and going to Catholic school, and you know,
Speaker 5: doing all of the different.
Speaker 2: Things, it had a very specific meaning to me.
Speaker 1: And so it kind of feels a bit me now
Speaker 1: that I don't identify as being religious at all.
Speaker 2: So saying is that it's available. The positions avail. Do
Speaker 2: you want to pick audition, who would you pick? Would
Speaker 2: you tell us beforehand? Would you just announce it? You
Speaker 2: can be it.
Speaker 1: I don't think we need it. I don't like the
Speaker 1: idea of it having to be like gendered. You have
Speaker 1: a male and a female.
Speaker 2: I'll have Marley, you can have Lola.
Speaker 3: No, we can't put one of us is taking them.
Speaker 1: They've got to go together. You can both who do
Speaker 1: you trust more. It's the same as if I don't
Speaker 1: give them. If I give them to you, they're going
Speaker 1: to end up a Keisha shout every weekend. Like what's
Speaker 1: the difference.
Speaker 4: It's so funny you say this because I have I
Speaker 4: think i'm three people's godparents, like different family members.
Speaker 3: They all have like, hey, if something happens, can you
Speaker 3: have the kids?
Speaker 2: But they've also the same thing.
Speaker 4: They're like, we don't know how we feel about it,
Speaker 4: but you're the only one that's.
Speaker 3: Got like stable job, you don't have any kids, so
Speaker 3: they'd fit in.
Speaker 2: But we're a bit worried about what they eat and
Speaker 2: what'd that do. And I'm like the kid flattered or not.
Speaker 1: The kids live off chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets and salmon steaks,
Speaker 1: which it sounds like a semi luxury and also a
Speaker 1: bit povo, but it's like in between one extreme other. Yeah,
Speaker 1: look funny, Yeah, I don't have godparents. And also, do
Speaker 1: you know what I grew up with god parents. I
Speaker 1: couldn't even tell you who my godparents are. I was
Speaker 1: given godparents as a child. No clue who they are,
Speaker 1: don't I have no idea.
Speaker 2: I'll checking my.
Speaker 3: Mum, my aunties and uncles.
Speaker 2: I just reread we stood there awkwardly smiling and didn't
Speaker 2: know how to react. It's relatable.
Speaker 3: It's so awkward.
Speaker 1: All right, next question, I have a lot of trust issues.
Speaker 1: This okay, let me preface this. This question is a
Speaker 1: little bit cooked. Okay, it's a little bit cooked.
Speaker 3: We don't judge, so are we?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Good company, We've established that. All right, We listen
Speaker 2: and we do not judge. I have a lot of
Speaker 2: trust issues.
Speaker 1: I've had a rough time with relationships and trust in
Speaker 1: the past, and I always grow through my husband's phone
Speaker 1: literally once a day, I would say, not necessarily finding anything,
Speaker 1: just making sure.
Speaker 3: Wow, yeah, every twenty four else.
Speaker 1: About a month ago, I asked him to change his
Speaker 1: passwords so I couldn't go through his phone anymore. What
Speaker 1: do you ladies think about this, not having your partner's
Speaker 1: phone password. Do you think it will help my trust
Speaker 1: as I have to keep reminding myself that he is
Speaker 1: a good guy and my past is still haunting me.
Speaker 1: Or do you think that it's unhealthy? I did counseling
Speaker 1: for a long time after my previous relationships, but now
Speaker 1: it's too expensive with two children.
Speaker 2: Help.
Speaker 3: I was thinking, oh, okay, if this is a newish relationship,
Speaker 3: I get it.
Speaker 4: Maybe you don't know where you're at, or you don't
Speaker 4: know much about him, but it's your husband.
Speaker 3: So I'm assuming that it's a.
Speaker 4: Relatively long relationship that you've been with him for if
Speaker 4: you've been long enough to know him, dat him, have kids,
Speaker 4: get married. So I'm wondering if he's done anything to
Speaker 4: make you feel that way. That's one thing. If he's
Speaker 4: been an amazing husband that's never made you question and
Speaker 4: your issues are still from your past, then it is
Speaker 4: a way bigger issue. I do not think it's normal
Speaker 4: to go through your partner's phone. So I have Ben's
Speaker 4: passwords and he leaves his phone unattended all the time
Speaker 4: and I have not ever once opened it. He has
Speaker 4: my past, Yeah, he can go through it when everyone's
Speaker 4: and he doesn't. And I don't want to say like
Speaker 4: it's you know, I don't want you to compare it
Speaker 4: to this, but I do want to say that it
Speaker 4: is not normal to have this level of distrust that
Speaker 4: you were going through your husband's phone every single day.
Speaker 3: If he hasn't done anything to make you feel that way.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's this to me.
Speaker 1: I read this and I was like, you can do
Speaker 1: something so often that it becomes a compulsion to do it,
Speaker 1: Like you have created like an incredibly toxic habit that
Speaker 1: you feel like you have to have maintenance on your
Speaker 1: husband to quote unquote make sure he's not doing anything
Speaker 1: like you. There is so much fear that you have
Speaker 1: manifested And I don't want to say because we don't know.
Speaker 1: You have not said you said you had a really
Speaker 1: rough time in relationships and trust, but you haven't said
Speaker 1: like you said, Britt, you have not said if that
Speaker 1: is from this relationship, right, So I don't want to
Speaker 1: say that this is all you and you've manifested this
Speaker 1: and you're like creating this in your mind. It may
Speaker 1: be the byproduct of really bad behavior of your husband's
Speaker 1: and therefore you are now in this cycle of like
Speaker 1: not totally being able to trust and not totally being
Speaker 1: able to forgive and just kind of going around in
Speaker 1: the hamster wheel. But making the assumption that that's not
Speaker 1: the case. You are making this so much worse by
Speaker 1: the habit and the constantness of the checking so I think, firstly,
Speaker 1: I think it's good that you've put some parameters in
Speaker 1: place so that you can't check his phone. Not knowing
Speaker 1: his password is a good step.
Speaker 3: Well you however, this is a problem.
Speaker 1: Yeah, However, the thing is is that I think that
Speaker 1: you probably need to try and work to create some
Speaker 1: distance in terms of, like, you don't want it to
Speaker 1: be the fact that the only reason why you're not
Speaker 1: going through his phone is because you don't know his password.
Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Like, you might need this for a period to help
Speaker 1: to create that separation, but you do have to get
Speaker 1: to a point where the reason why you don't check
Speaker 1: his phone is because you trust him. You trust that
Speaker 1: there's nothing going on there that needs you to check
Speaker 1: it in the first place. And I mean, I know
Speaker 1: that you said you've done counseling, and you did it
Speaker 1: in your previous relationships, but now it's too expensive. It's
Speaker 1: almost as though that you've created a compulsive behavior. But
Speaker 1: the compulsive behavior isn't just the checking of the phone.
Speaker 1: It's the constantly thinking about the checking of the phone.
Speaker 1: It's the constantly thinking about wanting to catch him out
Speaker 1: about something. And you're in this like loop of when
Speaker 1: you think that you worry and manifest and are having
Speaker 1: this anxiety that he's done something wrong and you need
Speaker 1: to check his phone to satiate the worry and the anxiety.
Speaker 1: You are being made to feel better every time you
Speaker 1: check his phone because there's nothing there, So you're getting
Speaker 1: that sort of like reassurance. The thing is you have
Speaker 1: to get to a place where you break that feedback
Speaker 1: cycle and you're able to give yourself the reassurance that
Speaker 1: there's nothing there and actually trust that statistically you've checked
Speaker 1: it one hundred times there's nothing there.
Speaker 2: There's nothing more to check.
Speaker 3: Well, I no, I mean, I don't believe that one
Speaker 3: day there might be something. But I'm not trying to
Speaker 3: say that to scare you.
Speaker 4: But if he hasn't been the cause, you've done the
Speaker 4: first step. You've recognized that you're the problem and what
Speaker 4: you're doing is not right. Because you've asked him to
Speaker 4: change the password, this means he's hyper aware of the
Speaker 4: fact that there is an issue. Like otherwise, it's not
Speaker 4: a normal thing for you to go to your husband's
Speaker 4: change your password. There has to have been a conversation
Speaker 4: of some sort that's happened off the back of that.
Speaker 4: What I want you to ask yourself is what was
Speaker 4: that conversation, Like how in depth did you go, how
Speaker 4: much reassurance did you get? What was your husband's reaction,
Speaker 4: Because it might just be that I would normally say,
Speaker 4: speak to someone and get counseling, but I totally understand
Speaker 4: that's so expensive and that is not currently an option
Speaker 4: for you. So maybe it can be the way that
Speaker 4: you talk to each other. Like maybe you and your
Speaker 4: husband you can really explain what your issues are and why,
Speaker 4: and you can say, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
Speaker 4: I can't explain why I'm doing it, but I want
Speaker 4: to stop. And maybe it's a matter of him giving
Speaker 4: you some more reassurance in the relationship. Maybe there's some
Speaker 4: sort of lack of affection that's making you question what
Speaker 4: your relationship is.
Speaker 3: I can't be.
Speaker 4: Sure what is the driving force here for your insecurity
Speaker 4: in this moment, but what I can be sure is
Speaker 4: saying help talking to your partner is always going to
Speaker 4: help in some capacity. If he doesn't want a bar
Speaker 4: of it, that's another discussion. And I would then say,
Speaker 4: I understand where you're into curities are coming from. If
Speaker 4: he doesn't want to talk to you about it.
Speaker 1: It's tricky because like, yes, I understand, like if he
Speaker 1: doesn't want a bar of it, but like, let's assume
Speaker 1: he's never done anything wrong, and every day he has
Speaker 1: his wife checking his phone doing maintenance just to make
Speaker 1: sure there's this like presumed fault here that's happening. It
Speaker 1: would become exhausting having to constantly reassure your partner that
Speaker 1: you're not a bad person and that you're not cheating
Speaker 1: on them if every single day they are checking your phone.
Speaker 1: And so I understand if he gets to a point
Speaker 1: where he's like, I don't want to keep talking about this, Like,
Speaker 1: I don't know how much more reassuring you want.
Speaker 2: I've changed my password. You're the one with the issue.
Speaker 2: You're the one that needs to get over this.
Speaker 1: Like how do you move past it when like all
Speaker 1: the reassurance is being given. How would you react if
Speaker 1: you found out that your partner was checking your phone
Speaker 1: every single day?
Speaker 4: Oh, I'd be really upset because I'd be upset because
Speaker 4: the implication is that you don't trust me and that
Speaker 4: you think I'm doing something whilst he has access to it.
Speaker 4: I would ask why, what is it that you're looking
Speaker 4: for in my phone right now. Like it's different when
Speaker 4: you need to go in and just check a message
Speaker 4: or an email or send something or going to Google
Speaker 4: Maps or yeah, but if you're just scrolling through.
Speaker 3: My personal phone, it's still your personal device.
Speaker 1: It's very very accusatory, Like I'm looking through this with
Speaker 1: the expectation of the maintenance that I might find something,
Speaker 1: So someone invasion of privacy, Yeah, totally, Well, I mean
Speaker 1: yes and no. In some instances, like for example, I
Speaker 1: have full access to Matt's phone. We have like an
Speaker 1: open phone policy in our house. It was never it
Speaker 1: was never laid out. We never sat down and we're like,
Speaker 1: we're going to have an open phone policy. But we've
Speaker 1: always been very open with our phones. If I came
Speaker 1: downstairs and he was going through my phone, I would
Speaker 1: not assume that he was going through my text messages
Speaker 1: because he thought that I'd done something wrong. I would
Speaker 1: think he was looking for someone's pay ID, or he
Speaker 1: was looking for a photo or something, do you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Because like we have that openness to it.
Speaker 1: But if I found out that every single day he
Speaker 1: was going through my phone trying to catch me out
Speaker 1: for being deceitful. It would affect the way I feel
Speaker 1: about him in some way. I would feel really hurt.
Speaker 1: I think that he didn't trust me, but I do.
Speaker 1: Do you think that there is another layer to this?
Speaker 1: And I think that yes, you might have a lot
Speaker 1: of anxieties about past relationships. But what I said in
Speaker 1: the beginning, you have created a loop of habit and
Speaker 1: I think you actually, apart from maybe looking at you know, Okay,
Speaker 1: what do I need to do from a relationship or
Speaker 1: self work perspective, I actually think it could even be
Speaker 1: helpful to looking at how to break a habit every
Speaker 1: single time that you If you have the urge to
Speaker 1: check his phone, every single time that you put that
Speaker 1: phone down and you walk away from it rather than
Speaker 1: checking it, you are creating new sign apses that tell
Speaker 1: you that you don't have to do.
Speaker 2: That habit anymore. Do you know what I mean? Like
Speaker 2: you're creating the habit of not doing it.
Speaker 3: Well, that's what she's done by changing the passwords. Ex
Speaker 3: aren't physically do it exactly.
Speaker 2: You've taken one step.
Speaker 1: But this is like, this is something you have to
Speaker 1: be conscious of every day and every single time you
Speaker 1: have that urge you've got to go, do you know what.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to check it because I do trust
Speaker 1: my husband and he's a great guy. And then walk
Speaker 1: away from that phone and go for a walk, or
Speaker 1: go and do something else, do something that totally distracts
Speaker 1: your way. And the more times that you are able
Speaker 1: to do, the more chance you have of breaking this
Speaker 1: really fucking toxic habit that you have around phones and
Speaker 1: your husband.
Speaker 2: You know what's.
Speaker 4: Interesting though, I would be off the fact, even though
Speaker 4: we have an open phone policy too, if Ben was
Speaker 4: just going through my phone for shits and giggles all
Speaker 4: the time, I'm off that it's still like my private life,
Speaker 4: Like it's still like my private diary. And I'm not
Speaker 4: my diary. I'm not hiding anything in there. But there's
Speaker 4: just something that puts me off if I just found
Speaker 4: him in the depth scrolling my phone and reading messages
Speaker 4: in the emails, like I just think.
Speaker 3: It's still my private place.
Speaker 1: When I say Matt goes through my phone, like and
Speaker 1: he goes to find a picture or something, or sometimes
Speaker 1: he'll go to find an email that's like something that
Speaker 1: he might need. But I know he's not scrolling through
Speaker 1: my like he's not in there with the intention of
Speaker 1: anything other than something that mutually benefits us or him,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like it'd be because he
Speaker 1: needed an.
Speaker 2: Invoice for the renno, or like do you know what
Speaker 2: I mean.
Speaker 1: There's never been a time where I've seen Matt going
Speaker 1: through my phone and thought.
Speaker 2: What are you looking for? What are you trying to get? Huh?
Speaker 2: I'm like, Oh, what photo do you want? Like me,
Speaker 2: tell me and I'll tell you where it is. Do
Speaker 2: you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: It's never been met with that because there's just so
Speaker 1: much trust whereas I think about my past relationship and
Speaker 1: I was this person, Like when I was in my fucking,
Speaker 1: really toxic relationship with the guy was cheating on me,
Speaker 1: I went through his phone every single day.
Speaker 2: Every day. A guy I was.
Speaker 5: Dating changed the name of the girl that he was
Speaker 5: cheating on me with to one of his best mates
Speaker 5: named so that I wouldn't see the name on the
Speaker 5: phone and think to click on the messages.
Speaker 2: But that's just his mate.
Speaker 3: That warrants you going through his phone, That's why.
Speaker 2: But I only found that out because I went through
Speaker 2: it totally.
Speaker 1: But the thing is, though, is that you didn't take
Speaker 1: that relationship trauma into your next relationship. You didn't start
Speaker 1: dating someone and then start going through their phone thinking
Speaker 1: that that person is the replica of your ex.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
Speaker 1: You give everyone the benefit of the doubt based on
Speaker 1: the new relationship and how they treat you.
Speaker 5: It took a couple of gos, But I actually remember
Speaker 5: in my current relationship when we first got together, I
Speaker 5: remember having the conversation with myself and I actively said,
Speaker 5: the second you feel the need to go through his phone,
Speaker 5: you need to end your relationship because that is your
Speaker 5: past and that shows that you don't trust your new boyfriend.
Speaker 5: And because of what I had been through previously, I
Speaker 5: knew I couldn't feel safe in a relationship where I
Speaker 5: still felt that need to like to check that everything
Speaker 5: was So.
Speaker 3: Did you just link his zicloud to yours? So it
Speaker 3: just computed as.
Speaker 2: His messages are so boring and.
Speaker 5: Yeah no, But what I mean is like I actually
Speaker 5: do understand what started this behavior, and I think exactly
Speaker 5: like you've said, Laura, it's just become a habit. Like
Speaker 5: now I think you're kind of just you're getting that
Speaker 5: regulation of the calm down effect by not finding anything
Speaker 5: and so you're like, Okay, I'm good for another twenty
Speaker 5: four hours. I'll check again tomorrow when the anxiety raises again.
Speaker 5: And so I think you need some regulation work.
Speaker 1: So go and listen to the episode we do with
Speaker 1: TJ Powers at the beginning of this, which is all
Speaker 1: around like how to regulate your dopamine and your internal
Speaker 1: corsol and see.
Speaker 3: The sun first before you go through Pant's phone.
Speaker 1: I know that that sounds that sounded really base, but like,
Speaker 1: then try it all right. Last question, I have been
Speaker 1: with my partner for five years and we are expecting
Speaker 1: our first child. I already owned a house before meeting
Speaker 1: him and have since sold it so he can buy
Speaker 1: something for our growing family. The issue is I am
Speaker 1: the only one contributing to the deposit, as it is
Speaker 1: a large sum of money from the sale. He is
Speaker 1: older and has no assets of his own. How do
Speaker 1: I navigate this so that I don't resent him for
Speaker 1: quote getting a free ride to a house, which I
Speaker 1: have worked so hard to have for myself. I can't
Speaker 1: help it resent him for not getting his shit together earlier.
Speaker 1: For context, we had very similar upbringings and occupations, so
Speaker 1: there isn't much of a salary difference between us. I've
Speaker 1: just been better with my money.
Speaker 2: Oh, you need to have a prenup.
Speaker 1: Even if you guys aren't married and you're having a
Speaker 1: baby together, you're a de facto relationship. It is not
Speaker 1: offensive and it is not abnormal to have a prenup.
Speaker 1: You need to have a big conversation with him about finances.
Speaker 1: He knows that you're coming to this relationship with more
Speaker 1: money than him. He knows that you're coming to this
Speaker 1: relationship with the deposit for the house. And you say,
Speaker 1: I love you and I everything that we're building together,
Speaker 1: and I love that we have a family. However, financially
Speaker 1: and from a financial security perspective, I wanted to have
Speaker 1: a conversation with you about this house that we're buying together.
Speaker 1: I am putting down the deposit and I want that
Speaker 1: money to be protected, so if anything does happen in
Speaker 1: our future, I know that at least I'm going to
Speaker 1: walk away from our relationship with that deposit still intact.
Speaker 2: And if he turns around and says that's a problem,
Speaker 2: then that is an absolute red flag as to what
Speaker 2: type of person this guy is.
Speaker 3: Yeah, this to me is so easy and straightforward.
Speaker 4: I am in this exact situation besides the fact that
Speaker 4: we are expecting our first child. So I bought a
Speaker 4: house as an investment a couple of years ago.
Speaker 3: I don't live in it. I rent now, but I made.
Speaker 4: An investment for myself before I met Ben. Since Ben's
Speaker 4: coming to the picture we're getting married. We have had
Speaker 4: that discussion where I have said, look, whatever we build
Speaker 4: from here forward, and whatever we build together as a
Speaker 4: couple and a family will be ours as a couple.
Speaker 4: I said, but I want to know that we're on
Speaker 4: the same page here. What I have built before you
Speaker 4: and what I have worked hard for is mine. Are
Speaker 4: you happy if we move forward like that? And it
Speaker 4: wasn't even He was like, of course, Like you've done
Speaker 4: that before me, this is yours. He's happy to put
Speaker 4: that in writing, and the same with him, anything that
Speaker 4: he has built before me, I wouldn't think about touching.
Speaker 4: But I do think once you make something as a couple,
Speaker 4: it gets a little bit more tricky. So this comes
Speaker 4: down to is he going to be contributing to this
Speaker 4: new mortgage? I understand you're bringing the deposit. Is he
Speaker 4: going to be paying week to week? Is it fifty
Speaker 4: to fifty.
Speaker 3: Is it all you?
Speaker 4: Because you can say you can put into an agreement,
Speaker 4: like you can put anything you want into a legal
Speaker 4: financial agreement. So you can say, I'm bringing two hundred
Speaker 4: thousand dollars deposit to this house, so I will own
Speaker 4: that percentage of when we sell, whatever profit we make
Speaker 4: on the rest, we'll split fifty to fifty. Like you
Speaker 4: can make that financial agreement whatever suits you, as long
Speaker 4: as you go down the legal aspect.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and there's a caut like you said, but there's
Speaker 1: a couple of ways, like you could have interest on
Speaker 1: the deposit, or you can simply just safeguard the deposit itself,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like you might find
Speaker 1: that a better way of going about it, just being like, cool, Well,
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that if we sell the
Speaker 1: place and things don't go well, I at least get
Speaker 1: my initial deposit back and everything else. We split fifty
Speaker 1: fifty because we've been contributing to the mortgage fifty to fifty. Genuinely,
Speaker 1: go and listen to the episode we did with Victoria Divine.
Speaker 1: We talked about prenups, we talked about protecting your financial wealth.
Speaker 1: You and I don't want to go down too hard
Speaker 1: on you. But you would be silly to go into
Speaker 1: this relationship without having this conversation for fear of offending
Speaker 1: your partner, Because I know that we go into relationships
Speaker 1: with the best of intentions with them working out and
Speaker 1: being long term. Nobody goes into a having a baby
Speaker 1: with someone or potentially getting married thinking, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: this is probably just going to end in divorce. That's
Speaker 1: not how relationships work. But unfortunately and statistically, sometimes things
Speaker 1: don't go to plan, and sometimes we do have to
Speaker 1: navigate what that looks like at the end. And I
Speaker 1: think having the conversations early on make you very, very
Speaker 1: prepared and make you both much more on the same
Speaker 1: page if something like that does go down. And also,
Speaker 1: like you say, you're feeling resentful, you're feeling all these
Speaker 1: things already, Like a really honest conversation about it has
Speaker 1: to be had, and if he has an adverse reaction,
Speaker 1: then like that's a whole other issue to unpack.
Speaker 3: It's actually wild. I was just looking up some stats
Speaker 3: on divorce. I absolutely agree.
Speaker 4: It's like, we want to think the best, but we
Speaker 4: know so many relationships don't last, and you just don't
Speaker 4: want to be in that position where you're where they
Speaker 4: can take something.
Speaker 1: From really hope for the best, prepare for the worst
Speaker 1: dred kind of like the saying of everything in life
Speaker 1: my song, my saying.
Speaker 2: I don't know Matt and I.
Speaker 1: We never had to have this conversation prior, so like
Speaker 1: Matt and I don't have a prenup, and we never
Speaker 1: discussed our finances when we got together, really, and the
Speaker 1: reason for that is is because we both were pretty
Speaker 1: much financially the same, Like we both came into our
Speaker 1: relationship with not a lot of savings. We're pretty we
Speaker 1: were pretty similar, and so everything that we have in
Speaker 1: our life we've built since being together. So even though
Speaker 1: we have not the same incomes, like our incomes and
Speaker 1: a no flexialparative financially we earn different amounts of money, right,
Speaker 1: but we've built that together and everything I see mutually
Speaker 1: as both of ours, right, it completely down the middle.
Speaker 1: If we got separated, I would only assume it's very
Speaker 1: very fifty to fifty. But I think that that kind
Speaker 1: of makes sense when you've both come to a relationship
Speaker 1: with the same financial situation. But if you're coming to
Speaker 1: a relationship with a very different financial situation.
Speaker 2: You have to protect yourself.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's just smart. Literally, it's smart. I haven't worked
Speaker 4: your ass off, your whole life for it to be
Speaker 4: taken by someone else.
Speaker 1: Well that's it from us, guys, And the next time
Speaker 1: you hear from me, we'll have the lowdown or what
Speaker 1: the hell is happening in the jungle, And maybe Matt will.
Speaker 3: Be back and maybe you've been on safari.
Speaker 2: Probably not, to be honest, I don't think there's any
Speaker 2: time for safari.
Speaker 3: No, there is.
Speaker 4: There is if you're actually going there is. It is
Speaker 4: pretty cool where you will sleep. You literally walk down
Speaker 4: this sta like, don't leave the girls unattended, because I
Speaker 4: could get eaten by some kind of animal.
Speaker 2: It's why Jolly would like that. She's like, I'm back
Speaker 2: with my people.
Speaker 4: Mom.
Speaker 2: You can going out with the lions. You can walk.
Speaker 4: Down the stairs of the backyard area and there is
Speaker 4: a car and you're in safari.
Speaker 3: Like, it's really cool. If you go, you're going to
Speaker 3: have an amazing time.
Speaker 1: Well, I'll see you all on the other side, my loves,
Speaker 1: And if you've enjoyed the episode, go leave a review.
Speaker 2: Also, you can watch this all on YouTube. Play the questions.
Speaker 1: Ask your partner or your friends like how they would
Speaker 1: respond to these questions.
Speaker 3: Get a prenup.
Speaker 1: It's always a good fund dinner party, activity, and you
Speaker 1: know the drill.
Speaker 4: You mom to your dad, tea dot tea friends and
Speaker 4: share a love because we love love