WEBVTT - The Truth About Addiction. Uncut with Kate DeAraugo 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.800 Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands 0:00:03.840 --> 0:00:06.560 were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders 0:00:06.559 --> 0:00:07.600 past and present. 0:00:07.560 --> 0:00:11.320 Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was 0:00:11.360 --> 0:00:12.760 recorded on Cameragle Land. 0:00:22.360 --> 0:00:24.960 Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. 0:00:25.079 --> 0:00:27.920 I'm Brittany and I'm Laura, and today we have an 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:32.440 incredibly powerful episode with Kate Derouge. Now you might have 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:35.040 heard of Kate's name back in two thousand and five, 0:00:35.280 --> 0:00:38.839 she was the winner of Australian Idol. But what happened 0:00:38.840 --> 0:00:41.680 to Kate after wasn't the fairy tale that we all 0:00:41.760 --> 0:00:43.000 led to believe will happen. 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:45.760 It really is a story that flawed me and the 0:00:45.800 --> 0:00:48.320 way in which Kate and I don't even want to 0:00:48.320 --> 0:00:50.200 call it a fall from grace, but when you think 0:00:50.240 --> 0:00:53.880 about being at the top of the reality TV pinnacle 0:00:54.080 --> 0:00:56.920 Idle back in two thousand and five, was like everybody 0:00:57.000 --> 0:00:59.960 knew who she was, everybody knew what she was capable, 0:01:00.920 --> 0:01:03.720 and this is a story about the demons that she 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:06.760 was fighting at the time. Kate talks about addiction in 0:01:06.800 --> 0:01:10.759 this episode. She talks about addictive personalities and how that 0:01:10.920 --> 0:01:15.640 unfolded in her life. She was arrested, she was charged 0:01:15.680 --> 0:01:19.440 for drug driving, and she also found herself in incredibly 0:01:19.480 --> 0:01:24.280 abusive relationships. This conversation is one that I think if 0:01:24.280 --> 0:01:27.960 you have ever had a predetermined idea of what addiction is, 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:29.880 this is something that I think will really open your 0:01:29.880 --> 0:01:32.600 eyes as to how people who are suffering from addiction, 0:01:32.760 --> 0:01:36.520 or who are addicts themselves, how they experience life and 0:01:36.680 --> 0:01:39.840 the reasons why someone may be led down that path. 0:01:40.360 --> 0:01:41.480 Also, just the way. 0:01:41.319 --> 0:01:44.440 She speaks so openly about how you can go from 0:01:44.480 --> 0:01:49.200 being a beautiful, bubbly, blonde, confidence successful eighteen year old 0:01:49.760 --> 0:01:53.120 to a meth addict is something that a lot of 0:01:53.120 --> 0:01:55.960 people think, how could you possibly get there? Like what 0:01:56.040 --> 0:01:58.080 could have gone on in your life to have gotten there? 0:01:58.560 --> 0:02:01.120 It truly is a story not just about the lowest 0:02:01.120 --> 0:02:04.280 of lows and hitting rock bottom, but it's the highs 0:02:04.320 --> 0:02:05.640 and the way she pulled herself out of it and 0:02:05.720 --> 0:02:08.000 got a life back on track to live now a 0:02:08.080 --> 0:02:10.120 completely fulfilling, healthy. 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:12.720 And loving line. Kate, thank you so much for joining 0:02:12.720 --> 0:02:13.680 the podcast. 0:02:13.240 --> 0:02:15.200 Today, No RS girls, thanks for having me. 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:17.640 We start every episode the same, and that's with an 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:20.360 accidentally unfiltered story, and we just said, Kate, do you 0:02:20.360 --> 0:02:23.240 have an embarrassing story? And your response to that, which 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:24.679 was funny in itself, you were like, I was a 0:02:24.720 --> 0:02:26.480 drug addict for a better part of a decade. Of 0:02:26.480 --> 0:02:29.320 course I have embarrassing stories. And then it made me think. 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:32.000 I was like, is it appropriate to ask that question? 0:02:32.600 --> 0:02:34.760 But we're gonna do it anyway, and you can tell 0:02:34.840 --> 0:02:37.760 us whatever embarrassing story you feel comfortable with. 0:02:38.200 --> 0:02:40.680 As I said, I've got a few, but probably one 0:02:40.680 --> 0:02:43.240 of the more appropriate ones is the young Devers were 0:02:43.240 --> 0:02:46.440 on tour and I, as you can imagine, we're meant 0:02:46.480 --> 0:02:48.400 to come out full of attitude and struting on stage 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:50.760 down this set of stairs, and I was full of 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:53.200 attitude and sass, and I just went face first down 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:57.639 the stairs. So that was pretty That was pretty embarrassing. 0:02:57.840 --> 0:02:59.720 I love that you said I was a drug addict. 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:01.920 I have so many, But your embarrassing story was before that. 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:05.440 I was probably during but yeah, all measures in. 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:08.720 Yeah, Kate, Like, there's so much about this, like your 0:03:08.800 --> 0:03:10.840 life and where you're at now that we want to 0:03:11.000 --> 0:03:14.760 unpack and understand. And it's really beautiful how vulnerably you 0:03:14.760 --> 0:03:17.120 speak about the lessons that you've learned and where you 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:19.760 are now in life and this recovery. But I would 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:21.720 love to go back to two thousand and five. I'd 0:03:21.760 --> 0:03:24.320 love to go back to your experience on Idle. And 0:03:24.720 --> 0:03:27.520 you know this is for anyone if you don't remember. 0:03:27.840 --> 0:03:30.680 This is such a pinnacle time in reality TV. Casey 0:03:30.760 --> 0:03:34.000 Donovan was the winner the year prior of Australian Idol 0:03:34.000 --> 0:03:36.280 in two thousand and four and it was like the 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:40.560 height of viewership of Australian reality TV. So you really 0:03:40.600 --> 0:03:43.720 are kind of plucked from obscurity and then put onto 0:03:43.960 --> 0:03:46.720 the absolute mass center stage where everyone in Australia knows 0:03:46.720 --> 0:03:47.840 who you are and what you're doing. 0:03:48.400 --> 0:03:50.120 What was that period of your life. 0:03:49.960 --> 0:03:54.000 Like, well, I mean I was eighteen and a kid 0:03:54.040 --> 0:03:56.520 and had really no concept of what I was doing. 0:03:56.520 --> 0:03:59.560 And I'd auditioned two years before as well and got 0:03:59.560 --> 0:04:00.920 not through the front you know, I didn't get through 0:04:00.960 --> 0:04:03.320 the front door. So I guess I spent a lot 0:04:03.360 --> 0:04:06.680 of it pretty disassociated from my body. And I know 0:04:06.720 --> 0:04:08.400 that's really sad, but I talk about that a lot 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:10.840 like I was a kid and a young like a 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:13.200 young adult that was just so riddled with fear and 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:17.000 imposter syndrome and all of that stuff that I just 0:04:17.000 --> 0:04:19.440 just was forever in fear that I was going to 0:04:19.520 --> 0:04:21.200 wake up one day and someone was going to say, Okay, 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:22.919 this is a big giant mistake. If you could just 0:04:23.600 --> 0:04:24.400 fuck off. 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:24.400 You know. 0:04:24.920 --> 0:04:25.960 I hope I'm allowed to swear here. 0:04:26.000 --> 0:04:29.040 Sorry, I I try really. 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:31.520 Hard not to. So, yeah, it was the crazy time, 0:04:32.240 --> 0:04:34.120 but it was also one of the most exciting times. 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:36.160 And people always ask me, oh, would you do idol again, 0:04:36.200 --> 0:04:38.160 and I'll blame this, and Id'll blame that, and I 0:04:38.200 --> 0:04:41.000 always say, you know, yes, it was a difficult time 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:43.400 for me, but it also gave me the opportunities to 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:46.040 do the things that little girls dream of. You know. 0:04:46.279 --> 0:04:49.840 I got to sing in front of thousands, hundreds of 0:04:49.880 --> 0:04:51.880 thousands of people. You know, I got to sing at 0:04:51.880 --> 0:04:54.800 Grand Finals. I got to sing all over Australia and 0:04:54.839 --> 0:04:57.200 do incredible things. And I wouldn't give that back for 0:04:57.240 --> 0:04:57.640 the world. 0:04:58.640 --> 0:05:00.600 What did it do for your confidence at such a 0:05:00.640 --> 0:05:03.600 young age? You said you applied twice and didn't even 0:05:03.600 --> 0:05:05.760 get through the front door. So I'm assuming that when 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:08.760 you did win you were not expecting it. But at 0:05:08.800 --> 0:05:12.880 only like sixteen and seventeen years old, getting knocked back, 0:05:13.120 --> 0:05:15.120 thinking that you're good enough to go and apply for this, 0:05:15.160 --> 0:05:17.200 but then them saying like, we don't even want to 0:05:17.240 --> 0:05:20.440 hear from you. Did that set you up with any 0:05:20.600 --> 0:05:23.160 sort of lack of confidence before you even got started? 0:05:23.720 --> 0:05:26.360 Ummm, yes, and no, I think. Look, I just to 0:05:26.400 --> 0:05:29.200 be honest, I wasn't going to go to the third audition. 0:05:29.240 --> 0:05:31.240 I had no intentions of going. I was living on 0:05:31.320 --> 0:05:33.799 the Gold Coast at the time, and I was running 0:05:33.880 --> 0:05:36.840 pub crawls for backpackers, and I was on the Sunshine 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:40.360 Coast hungover, if the truth is, And my seeing teacher 0:05:40.600 --> 0:05:42.560 rang me and said, get your ass in the car 0:05:42.600 --> 0:05:45.040 and get to those auditions, just even just to see 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:47.600 if you've improved from the year before. So I didn't. 0:05:48.000 --> 0:05:50.360 Probably the third year I went in with a really 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:53.640 different attitude, like the world didn't rely for me on 0:05:53.720 --> 0:05:55.560 me getting through. It was just to see if I'd 0:05:55.560 --> 0:05:57.400 got any better and could get a little bit further 0:05:57.440 --> 0:05:58.200 than the year before. 0:05:58.560 --> 0:06:01.560 You just said that you auditioned and you were hungover. 0:06:02.080 --> 0:06:05.960 Was that already at eighteen? Do you recognize that you 0:06:06.120 --> 0:06:09.600 already had issues with alcohol or substances prior to doing 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:11.320 Idle or do you think that it was kind of 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:12.480 enmeshed in that time. 0:06:13.240 --> 0:06:15.920 I mean, I've done everything to the extreme since I 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:20.400 was forever. You know, My first experience with addiction started 0:06:20.440 --> 0:06:21.920 with food when I was a little kid, you know 0:06:22.000 --> 0:06:23.760 what I mean, Like, I just did everything to the 0:06:23.800 --> 0:06:28.200 absolute extremes always, so when I drank, I drank too much, 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:30.920 When I ate too much, When I was in a relationship, 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:35.839 I love too much, Like I just do everything too much. Still, 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:39.599 I wasn't in any kind of dark addiction by that point, 0:06:39.640 --> 0:06:41.839 but I guess the behaviors were already there. 0:06:42.040 --> 0:06:45.080 When you do something like reality TV, and I mean, 0:06:45.680 --> 0:06:47.760 you know, we've spoken about it a bit because we've 0:06:47.800 --> 0:06:50.839 had our own experiences with kind of living very normal 0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:54.080 lives and then all of a sudden having everybody in 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:56.720 the country having an opinion on the way you look, 0:06:56.880 --> 0:06:58.919 the way you talk, I mean, in your case, the 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:01.440 way you sing. Like there's so many things that you 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:05.240 get criticized and critiqued on. What did that do for you? 0:07:05.440 --> 0:07:07.920 And when you say you already struggled with you know, 0:07:08.080 --> 0:07:10.160 over eating at that time when you were younger like 0:07:10.240 --> 0:07:13.800 and already struggled with body confidence issues, going and putting 0:07:13.800 --> 0:07:16.440 yourself out there on a platform where so many people 0:07:16.560 --> 0:07:18.520 have an opinion on the person that you are. 0:07:18.920 --> 0:07:19.920 What did that do to you? 0:07:20.040 --> 0:07:22.880 It destroyed me, to be honest, like I had already 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:25.360 through high school and primary school, always struggled with my 0:07:25.440 --> 0:07:28.680 weight and really just hated the body that I lived 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:31.320 in for as long as I could remember. And I guess, 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:33.480 you know, I'd picked up lots of bits of information 0:07:33.880 --> 0:07:36.920 and situations that had helped me confirm that I wasn't 0:07:36.920 --> 0:07:38.760 okay in the body that I was in for years. 0:07:39.200 --> 0:07:41.120 And then I stepped into this world where people thought 0:07:41.160 --> 0:07:43.480 it was totally acceptable and they had the right to 0:07:43.520 --> 0:07:45.800 comment on the body that I had on a really 0:07:45.800 --> 0:07:48.960 public platform, and I didn't realize at the time, but 0:07:49.040 --> 0:07:51.440 it became trauma. Like it became trauma for me, you know, 0:07:51.480 --> 0:07:53.320 people every time I looked at something, no one was 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:55.880 talking about my singing or my voice or music. They 0:07:55.880 --> 0:07:57.680 were talking about the size of my ass in a 0:07:57.680 --> 0:07:58.320 pair of genes. 0:07:58.840 --> 0:07:59.760 Yeah, wow, Well, I. 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:02.240 Guess it just becomes like a core message and a 0:08:02.320 --> 0:08:04.920 learnt thinking. You know, that was just my thinking that 0:08:05.000 --> 0:08:07.640 it was just drilled into me that what was considered 0:08:07.680 --> 0:08:12.200 beautiful and acceptable was that unattainable skinny look and like 0:08:12.240 --> 0:08:14.200 it didn't matter how many hours I spent on a 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:16.280 treadmill mill or how many bits of letters I ate, 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:18.160 like I was never gonna look like that, Like it 0:08:18.320 --> 0:08:21.400 just wasn't achievable for me. So I just lived in 0:08:21.400 --> 0:08:23.200 this world where it didn't matter what I did. I 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:25.320 just didn't feel like I was good enough. 0:08:25.560 --> 0:08:27.560 I'd love to kind of get an understanding of, like 0:08:27.640 --> 0:08:30.960 what that period was, because you've come out, You've won Idol. 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:34.120 There are so many opportunities that open up for you 0:08:34.320 --> 0:08:37.040 in that point, But there are only opportunities if you're 0:08:37.040 --> 0:08:39.800 able to seize them and make the most of those opportunities. 0:08:40.240 --> 0:08:44.680 What happened for you? Were you able to be fully engaged? 0:08:44.800 --> 0:08:47.360 Were you at a point where it was too challenging 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:49.160 too like what was going through your mind? And what 0:08:49.280 --> 0:08:52.319 happened like in a sequence after that, Oh. 0:08:52.240 --> 0:08:54.640 So much happened. But look, and I just do want 0:08:54.640 --> 0:08:57.240 to say, like I talk about these experiences really openly 0:08:57.280 --> 0:08:59.480 and honestly, but I don't I don't ask for like 0:08:59.520 --> 0:09:01.640 it's not a p I don't feel like I've done all, 0:09:01.720 --> 0:09:03.040 Like I've come out the other side of it and 0:09:03.400 --> 0:09:05.720 I'm okay. But you know it was hard. Like I 0:09:05.760 --> 0:09:07.880 had a record label and a management company that wanted 0:09:07.880 --> 0:09:09.560 me to look a certain way, and I would get 0:09:10.240 --> 0:09:12.920 in trouble for not being a certain size. Like we 0:09:12.960 --> 0:09:14.960 would go on a photo shoot, especially once I hit 0:09:14.960 --> 0:09:17.000 the young divas, We would go on a photo shoots 0:09:17.000 --> 0:09:20.160 and I wouldn't fit into clothes, and again that's super 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:23.160 damaging for a young girl. I would show up, but 0:09:23.400 --> 0:09:26.320 I would just show up riddled, as I said, with 0:09:26.440 --> 0:09:31.559 so much fear and anxiety and just hatred for myself. 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:34.800 And it's hard to be present and do your best 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:37.360 work when you like that's your baseline. 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:41.319 Were the record label and your management very open about 0:09:41.320 --> 0:09:43.080 the fact that you needed to lose weight, is that 0:09:43.160 --> 0:09:45.720 literally there's no scooting around the edges. It was like, hey, 0:09:45.840 --> 0:09:47.720 to be successful, you need to trim down. 0:09:48.040 --> 0:09:49.839 They didn't say it in that many words, but they 0:09:49.840 --> 0:09:52.040 may as well have many times, and look, it was 0:09:52.240 --> 0:09:55.000 acceptable to do so in that time, like people could 0:09:55.080 --> 0:09:57.439 tell you, like people would openly say you got to 0:09:57.480 --> 0:09:59.560 lose weight or you know, And I remember I did 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:02.840 lose weight at one point and the head of the 0:10:02.840 --> 0:10:04.720 record label at the time come up and said, Kate, 0:10:04.720 --> 0:10:06.920 you're on the right track, just keep going, you know. 0:10:07.080 --> 0:10:11.199 Oh wow, So yeah, it was just okay. And look, 0:10:11.200 --> 0:10:14.520 I had full I had my first major surgery around 0:10:14.520 --> 0:10:16.240 my body when I was nineteen. I had full body 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:19.559 LIPEO from head to toe, which was certainly pretty supported 0:10:19.600 --> 0:10:22.679 by both record label and management at the time at nineteen. 0:10:23.360 --> 0:10:25.800 I don't recommend it. Well, it wasn't the solution either, 0:10:25.840 --> 0:10:27.200 you know what I mean, Like it was a quick 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:29.760 fix and it sorted some things out momentarily, but it 0:10:29.760 --> 0:10:31.760 didn't deal with the core of the issue, and it 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:33.960 didn't deal with the internal world, Like it didn't take 0:10:33.960 --> 0:10:36.440 any of that away. I woke up and these you know, 0:10:36.480 --> 0:10:38.679 that thinking and stuff was still there. So yeah, I 0:10:38.720 --> 0:10:40.960 guess and looking amongst all that that's when I met drugs, 0:10:41.040 --> 0:10:43.560 and that's when the drugs then became my new solution 0:10:43.679 --> 0:10:46.440 to all of those problems that I'd carried around forever 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:47.840 until they weren't. 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:50.080 When you say you met drugs, do you think that 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:52.040 that was part and parcel of being I mean everyone 0:10:52.120 --> 0:10:55.000 kind of associates like this celebrity lifestyle or being a 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:58.800 rock star, like moving in those circles with the accessibility. 0:10:59.120 --> 0:11:01.240 Is that and was that your experience. 0:11:01.880 --> 0:11:05.960 I mean, you know anybody who's cocaine, and I haven't 0:11:06.000 --> 0:11:07.840 been in the industry for a little minute, but like, 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:11.360 I'm sure it's still the same. Cocaine is so different 0:11:11.360 --> 0:11:12.960 to me, Like here's a beer and he's a line, 0:11:13.160 --> 0:11:16.400 and it was really normal. And you know, all my life, 0:11:16.400 --> 0:11:19.600 I just wanted to be thin, cool and acceptable, and 0:11:19.679 --> 0:11:21.880 all of a sudden I met this thing called cocaine 0:11:21.920 --> 0:11:25.319 and it was my solution to my life. Suddenly I 0:11:25.400 --> 0:11:28.920 wasn't eating the same. I felt cool and acceptable, and 0:11:28.960 --> 0:11:30.920 people wanted to be my friend because I was in 0:11:30.960 --> 0:11:33.520 a position where I could afford it, and so people 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:34.520 wanted to be around me. 0:11:35.000 --> 0:11:37.600 So how often do you think you were doing cocaine 0:11:37.760 --> 0:11:39.560 at that time in the early stages. 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:43.400 Well, initially it wasn't. It wasn't like I did it, 0:11:43.440 --> 0:11:45.080 and then I did it every day from then on. 0:11:45.320 --> 0:11:49.160 But I was obsessed from the minute that I had it. 0:11:49.200 --> 0:11:50.800 I wasn't just like, oh, I'll have a line and 0:11:50.920 --> 0:11:52.480 enjoy my night and go home, go to bed and 0:11:52.559 --> 0:11:54.480 get on with it like everybody else. It was like 0:11:54.640 --> 0:11:58.079 where did that shit go? And where? And how can 0:11:58.120 --> 0:12:00.000 I get more of it? Immediately? And I was abset, 0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:02.440 like I was obsessed with it going around the room. 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:03.720 I was assessed when it was going to be my 0:12:03.800 --> 0:12:06.280 turn again. And I guess even though I didn't use 0:12:06.320 --> 0:12:08.240 it every day from then on, I thought about it, 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:10.079 and I thought about when I was going to, how 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:13.560 I was going to, and it was in my mind always. 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:15.920 It's so fascinating to me. There's been a research study 0:12:15.920 --> 0:12:17.760 that was done on cocaine with rats. I think a 0:12:17.800 --> 0:12:20.199 lot of people might be familiar with it, but in 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:22.720 like a quick summary of what this research study was 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:25.319 is that one rat and they gave it the option 0:12:25.400 --> 0:12:28.000 of normal water and cocaine water, and the rat drank 0:12:28.040 --> 0:12:30.719 the cocaine water obviously until it died because it became 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:34.400 addicted to it. And then I can't remember the name 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:36.760 of the scientists who came along, but someone was like, 0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:39.120 when it comes to addiction, this is a flawed study 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:42.320 because the study itself doesn't bring in all of the 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:45.600 things around community. It doesn't because rats are social animals 0:12:45.600 --> 0:12:48.040 in the same way that humans are social animals, and 0:12:48.080 --> 0:12:50.120 so they did the same experiment, but they put the 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:52.400 rat into an environment where it had all the things 0:12:52.400 --> 0:12:54.080 that would make it like a rat heaven, you know, 0:12:54.559 --> 0:12:57.000 with like games and wheels and other rats like. They 0:12:57.000 --> 0:12:59.280 gave it a community, and then they gave it the 0:12:59.280 --> 0:13:02.839 two sources of water and also the water that had 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:05.320 the cocaine in it, and all of the rats tried 0:13:05.360 --> 0:13:07.720 the cocaine water, but because they had all the other 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:10.240 things in their life that gave them purpose and made 0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:13.480 them excited to just be rats, they preferred the water 0:13:13.640 --> 0:13:16.120 in most instances. And so it was a real change 0:13:16.120 --> 0:13:17.120 on the original study. 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:19.160 I've literally never heard of us song, Oh I got 0:13:19.240 --> 0:13:22.360 no Lincoln super famous. 0:13:22.400 --> 0:13:23.920 It's a super famous study. 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:26.240 It's a really famous study around addiction, and it's really 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:29.160 fascinating because, you know, it looks at addiction as being 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:32.640 a really holistic thing where it's not just because you 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:35.160 get addicted to a thing in your life. It's not 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:37.640 that you're just addicted to cocaine, but it also can 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:40.520 be because you're lacking in other things in your life 0:13:40.600 --> 0:13:43.920 that give you support, that give you a feeling of 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:48.719 a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging for you. Specifically, 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:52.400 you mentioned that addiction had been something that was a 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:55.400 part of your whole life, that everything was to the extreme, 0:13:55.920 --> 0:13:58.200 and that when you discovered drugs, it just kind of 0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:00.800 followed a pattern that you'd already been exposed to in 0:14:00.840 --> 0:14:04.600 your life. Have you, in the self work that you've done, 0:14:04.760 --> 0:14:08.040 figured out what is it like? Where did that addictive 0:14:08.040 --> 0:14:10.920 personality come from? And how was that shaped in you 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:11.880 as a person. 0:14:12.160 --> 0:14:15.800 Looks There's lots of different ideas and theories and thoughts 0:14:15.840 --> 0:14:19.240 about addiction and ways of recovery. I am a big 0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:22.920 believer in the disease model of addiction, and I believe 0:14:22.960 --> 0:14:26.440 that I have the disease of addiction, and that it's 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:28.120 I guess the best way for it to explain it 0:14:28.200 --> 0:14:30.880 is like when drugs hit me bit like someone has 0:14:30.880 --> 0:14:33.320 a peanut allergy, I have an allergic reaction, Like it 0:14:33.440 --> 0:14:35.240 just hits my body a bit different to the way 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:38.040 it might hit yours or somebody else's, and the obsession 0:14:38.080 --> 0:14:40.840 and the compulsion sets off and I can't stop. And 0:14:41.280 --> 0:14:43.480 you know, it's not a curable disease in the way, 0:14:43.560 --> 0:14:46.280 there's no medication that will make it go away forever, 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:49.440 but it can be arrested and I can live a 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:52.640 life in recovery from it. And that's that's the model 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:55.360 that I've gone down. So I believe it. That was 0:14:55.400 --> 0:14:57.560 in my DNA and It was a perfect storm in 0:14:57.600 --> 0:15:00.200 my life, as you know, a chain of events that 0:15:00.280 --> 0:15:02.240 set it off. If that makes sense, You ended up. 0:15:02.200 --> 0:15:04.720 Being addicted to a horrific drug ice. 0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:06.160 How did you get. 0:15:05.960 --> 0:15:09.600 From drinking cocaine to as far as ice? 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:13.280 People always ask that question, and I wish it was that. 0:15:13.400 --> 0:15:15.480 I wish it was simple. But look, my drug addiction 0:15:15.560 --> 0:15:19.520 span over the best part of fourteen years, and obviously 0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:23.040 the drugs that I used and abused over those years 0:15:23.400 --> 0:15:25.720 like changed and progressed, and the people that I spent 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.640 time with changed and progressed. Until one day, you know, 0:15:28.720 --> 0:15:31.560 I was in a situation where someone offered me meth, 0:15:31.800 --> 0:15:35.280 and by that point, my self esteem, self worth, and 0:15:35.360 --> 0:15:37.560 all the things that go with that were non existence. 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:40.160 So it wasn't even a thought like if I, in 0:15:40.200 --> 0:15:42.920 my saying sober brain, someone said try some meth, you'd 0:15:42.920 --> 0:15:45.000 probably go. People say that's pretty bad, and your life 0:15:45.040 --> 0:15:46.560 goes to shit when you do it and you think 0:15:46.600 --> 0:15:49.080 about it. But by the point that it was offered 0:15:49.120 --> 0:15:51.560 to me, I was already too far gone to even care. 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:54.000 I just wanted to feel better, and I just wanted 0:15:54.000 --> 0:15:55.120 the pain to be taken away. 0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:57.800 But did you know and understand at the time the 0:15:57.840 --> 0:16:00.600 impact that this was having on your life, or did 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:03.440 you think that you still could hold together, like you 0:16:03.440 --> 0:16:06.240 could hold the success down, you could do the work opportunities, 0:16:06.240 --> 0:16:09.280 you could still be a singer performing on stage, or 0:16:09.320 --> 0:16:12.240 did you see, fuck, this is really spiraling out of 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:12.960 control for me. 0:16:13.360 --> 0:16:15.760 Oh that's a great question. Look, I was already pretty 0:16:16.240 --> 0:16:18.760 done by the time I really met Ice. You know, 0:16:18.840 --> 0:16:21.120 I did have a second go at trying to relaunch 0:16:21.160 --> 0:16:23.760 a career, but I was already gone. Like I was 0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:26.720 already so deluded in an ice addiction. I was like, yeah, yeah, 0:16:26.720 --> 0:16:28.800 I can do this, It'll be fine. What I'm about 0:16:28.840 --> 0:16:32.000 to say is controversial, but in the beginning, Ice made 0:16:32.040 --> 0:16:36.280 me be better than I was before. You know, before 0:16:36.360 --> 0:16:38.680 I sort of got to Ice, I was pretty bad alcoholic. 0:16:38.760 --> 0:16:40.760 I was drinking a lot. I was doing a lot 0:16:40.800 --> 0:16:42.840 of drugs. I wasn't in a I didn't look good. 0:16:42.880 --> 0:16:44.760 I wasn't in a good way. But when I met 0:16:45.000 --> 0:16:49.400 when I met Crystal meth like, I was productive. I 0:16:49.440 --> 0:16:51.560 started to lose more weight, which made people take me 0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:53.720 more seriously. Ever, I was like, you look fantastic. I 0:16:53.720 --> 0:16:54.280 was like, yeah, I do. 0:16:54.920 --> 0:16:58.400 WHI TI is crazy because you know then yourself that like, 0:16:58.560 --> 0:17:02.320 you've never been lower, you've never been worse or more unhealthy, 0:17:02.440 --> 0:17:05.240 and it's I guess that's the vicious cycle. 0:17:05.840 --> 0:17:08.800 Yeah, but in that small window in the beginning on 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:11.920 the outside, to everybody else, you know, everyone was like, wow, okay, 0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:14.639 it's really on top of her game. Until I wasn't. 0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:17.240 So I guess in answer to your question, no, I 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:21.600 was so deluded and I'd already been in addiction for 0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:25.360 so long that my thinking was just it was shocking. 0:17:25.560 --> 0:17:27.000 What did rock bottom look like for you? 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:27.720 So? 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:30.920 I had lots and lots of rock bottoms over the years. 0:17:30.920 --> 0:17:32.800 I had lots of public rock bottoms. I got caught 0:17:32.840 --> 0:17:35.000 drug driving, I did all that all over the newspapers, 0:17:35.040 --> 0:17:38.280 lost my career, lost contracts, all that extra like road 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:41.679 off cars, lost houses, lost boyfriends, lost all of that 0:17:41.760 --> 0:17:46.320 external stuff heaps of times too. And I get, you know, rehabs, 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:48.760 all all the stuff that you would assume would be 0:17:48.880 --> 0:17:50.639 enough for someone to say, yeah, the probably should pull 0:17:50.720 --> 0:17:54.239 up now, that's probably enough. But the rock, I mean, 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:55.720 I don't know how deep you want to go here, 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:58.560 but like the rock, the rock bottom for me was 0:17:58.760 --> 0:18:02.200 really my final rock. But was a really quiet personal moment, 0:18:02.320 --> 0:18:05.679