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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, I was almost passed out on the bed. I

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Speaker 2: don't know what you were doing. You were in another

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Speaker 2: room to me.

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Speaker 3: Washing in case you're a one, But I don't know

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Speaker 3: what you were doing.

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Speaker 4: You know how the laundry fairy just happens to have

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Speaker 4: everything clean.

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Speaker 3: You made it pressed in your cupboard.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so I don't know if I want to do

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Speaker 2: this podcast today. I'm just going to come out and

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Speaker 2: say it. Hello. This is doctor Justin Colston, the founder

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Speaker 2: of Happy Families dot com dot au and the parenting

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Speaker 2: expert on Channel nine's Parental Guidance, the hit TV show

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Speaker 2: all about parenting styles and what makes families happy. I'm

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Speaker 2: here with Kylie, my mom, my wife and mum to

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Speaker 2: our six children.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes I feel like you're I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 2: I can't believe I said that. It's Friday, and I

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Speaker 2: don't know about you, but I'm kind of glad that

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Speaker 2: it's Friday. I feel like there's a lot going on.

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to finish a tire book this month, and

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Speaker 2: it's a big, big task, and I'm feeling way down. Okay,

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Speaker 2: I'm just I'm feeling a little heavy. What's been the

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Speaker 2: highlight of your week before we kick into our episode proper.

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Speaker 4: Well, probably I wouldn't say the word highlight. I would

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Speaker 4: use highlight to describe it. But we've made no secret

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Speaker 4: about the fact that last year school refusal was hot.

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Speaker 2: I had a couple of kids that just didn't want

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Speaker 2: to be there.

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Speaker 4: High on our list. And this year we have had,

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Speaker 4: for all intents and purposes, a fantastic start to the year.

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Speaker 4: I knew that we were in honeymoon mode, and I

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Speaker 4: knew that it wouldn't last forever, but I was reveling

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Speaker 4: and every single day we got out of the door

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Speaker 4: without any hassles.

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Speaker 3: Sure, but the other day, so.

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Speaker 2: We're at end of week three.

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Speaker 4: Nice, Yeah, we've done two full weeks, and we kind

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Speaker 4: of got halfway through this week and Miss em decided

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Speaker 4: she didn't want to go to school right, and so.

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Speaker 2: So it was this one of the mornings where I

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Speaker 2: was in the office early. I've been in the office

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Speaker 2: of like six thirty quarter past six every morning this week.

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Speaker 4: So she was a little bit sniffly on day one

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Speaker 4: of week three, and I kept her home just to see.

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Speaker 4: But it was very obvious as the day progressed that

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Speaker 4: she was completely fine, and she obviously picked up as

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Speaker 4: the day went on. But then the next day it

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Speaker 4: just kind of got a little bit harder. Until day

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Speaker 4: three she up to the anti big time. She's walking

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Speaker 4: towards me. I'm in the kitchen and I've taken a

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Speaker 4: double take because she looks like death warmed up. She

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Speaker 4: has got the biggest black rings under her eyes that

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Speaker 4: I've ever seen.

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Speaker 3: I was like, holy smokes, what is going on?

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Speaker 4: Like I would have sworn she was on death's bed.

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Speaker 4: She looked so bad, It's like this doesn't make sense.

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Speaker 4: And then it kind of just twigked and I said, Emily,

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Speaker 4: have you been playing.

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Speaker 3: With your sister's makeup?

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Speaker 4: Well, she couldn't keep the smile of her face, but

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Speaker 4: she was adamant that she hadn't touched it.

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Speaker 3: I don't know what she's watched.

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Speaker 4: She has this makeup thing down pat she like, I'm

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Speaker 4: talking this smug and everything. You couldn't actually tell it

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Speaker 4: was makeup. She had done such a brilliant job at

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Speaker 4: making herself look incredibly sick, so she couldn't go to school.

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Speaker 2: Right, So she's pulled the makeup out and made herself

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Speaker 2: look like she's.

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Speaker 4: I wish I had taken a photo of it, because honestly,

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Speaker 4: it was so believable.

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Speaker 2: Wow. Okay.

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Speaker 3: Needless to say, she did go to school.

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Speaker 2: That day good, well after.

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Speaker 4: She'd washed her face, because I didn't want the teachers

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Speaker 4: freaking out.

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Speaker 2: So the purpose of our Friday podcast is just to

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Speaker 2: reflect on the week that was, I guess, share some

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Speaker 2: fun stories, but mainly to work out how can do

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Speaker 2: better tomorrow? Every Friday, our episode is focused on doing

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Speaker 2: better tomorrow. It's called I'll do Better Tomorrow for that purpose.

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Speaker 2: Is that you're old do better tomorrow then? Or is

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Speaker 2: that just a fun story?

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Speaker 4: No?

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Speaker 3: Just an anecdote?

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Speaker 2: Okay?

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Speaker 1: Week?

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Speaker 2: All right, well do you want to go first?

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Speaker 1: You?

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Speaker 2: Do you want me to? Is you one uplifting or

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Speaker 2: is it not so uplifting?

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Speaker 4: Oh?

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Speaker 3: I don't know what you'd call this one?

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Speaker 2: Well, mine's miserable. So I'm going to go first. Okay,

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Speaker 2: all right, okay, because hopefully you'll you'll have this finishing

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Speaker 2: on a positive you know what, I've got a positive

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Speaker 2: spin for it. But I don't know what's happened. We've

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Speaker 2: kicked off the year and I'm exhausted. Like normally, I'm

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Speaker 2: used to being tired because I get up earlier, I

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Speaker 2: go for my bike rides or whatever. But I haven't

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Speaker 2: been riding my bike. I've been spending time running with

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Speaker 2: the kids, and that's sort of I mean, there's momentum

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Speaker 2: there and it's happening and the kids are the kids

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Speaker 2: are doing it, but I'm not loving it and I'm

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Speaker 2: missing exercise. But I feel like I'm tired as somebody

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Speaker 2: who's not exercising then I used to be when I

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Speaker 2: was exercising. I mean, I don't know, it just it's

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Speaker 2: messing me up a little bit. But not only am

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Speaker 2: I tired. This is a really hard thing for me

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Speaker 2: to say, but I've had a week where the kids

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Speaker 2: have been fine. There hasn't been any problems, there's been

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Speaker 2: nothing major going on. I'm just tired of being a parent.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if I can say that out loud.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if it's acceptable to say that, especially

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Speaker 2: somebody in my position. But I kind of just don't

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Speaker 2: want a parent anymore. I would like the kids to

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Speaker 2: look after themselves. I would like to not have to

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Speaker 2: think about them, run them around, do things for them.

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Speaker 4: I think I'm kind of finally catching up. I've experienced

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Speaker 4: this feeling multiple time.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if I've ever really truly been here

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Speaker 2: before in my entire life. I love I love being

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Speaker 2: a parent normally, and maybe that's because I haven't had

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Speaker 2: to fully, fully do it all the time. But even

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Speaker 2: now I'm not fully doing it. I'm just kind of

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Speaker 2: tired of it. And it's not that I want to

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Speaker 2: be selfish. I feel like I just have so much

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Speaker 2: to do. And so at the start of the week,

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Speaker 2: on Monday, we had Emily, who you thought was sick

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Speaker 2: but who definitely wasn't. And then we had one of

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Speaker 2: our other kids, our fifteen year old, who she didn't

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Speaker 2: go to school. I think she said that she was

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Speaker 2: unwell as well.

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Speaker 3: No, she didn't want to go to the swimming country.

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Speaker 3: Oh that's right.

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Speaker 2: It was swimming carnival day and she refused to go,

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Speaker 2: which ticks me off because we've spent all this money

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Speaker 2: on swimming lessons and squad training over the years and

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Speaker 2: this kid's saying she's not going to go there. And

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Speaker 2: then we've got our two we finished school kids at

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Speaker 2: home as well, so I popped home for a little

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Speaker 2: bit so I could have some lunch. And there's four

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Speaker 2: kids at home on a school day when I just

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Speaker 2: want to sit down and be with you, and I

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Speaker 2: just thought, I'm over it again. I don't know if

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Speaker 2: I'm supposed to say this. I don't know if this

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Speaker 2: is just ruining my credibility as a parenting author and

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Speaker 2: educator and whatever, but I just feel like I'm I'm

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Speaker 2: so done with pairing now. I know I'm truly not,

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Speaker 2: but at the moment, I just, oh, does that make sense?

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Speaker 4: So the reality is right now, we're kind of stuck

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Speaker 4: in a little bit of a holding pattern. We've got

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Speaker 4: a child that has finished high school and is about

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Speaker 4: to start university but has no idea what life's going

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Speaker 4: to look like in a month's time.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and she's just mooching at the Coulson motel.

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Speaker 3: And we've got.

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Speaker 4: Another kid who's about to leave to go to England

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Speaker 4: in a couple of weeks, and she's again just kind

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Speaker 4: of stuck in this limbo where there's not much to do.

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Speaker 4: Just everybody else is working and she's at home, and

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Speaker 4: so she's kind of just taking up space. And then

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Speaker 4: you've got three little kids who are kind of waiting

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Speaker 4: for all of this change, anticipating it. There's anxiety around

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Speaker 4: what it will look like too.

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Speaker 2: Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just the holding pattern that's

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Speaker 2: driving me bonkers. But I guess to put a positive spinner,

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Speaker 2: because this is about doing better tomorrow. I had an

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Speaker 2: experience a couple of nights this week. It started on

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Speaker 2: Tuesday night. I was almost passed out on the bed.

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Speaker 2: I don't know what you were doing. You were in

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Speaker 2: another room, I'd said, kind of a semi.

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Speaker 3: Pre washing in case you were one.

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Speaker 2: I don't know what you were doing. I got no idea.

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Speaker 2: You were just somewhere playing with clothing.

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Speaker 4: You know how the laundry fairy just happens to have

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Speaker 4: everything clean.

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Speaker 3: You made it depressed in your cupboard.

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Speaker 2: If I wasn't looking bad by saying I don't want

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Speaker 2: a pair anymore, you just made me look really bad.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So anyway, I'm laying on the bed thinking I don't

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Speaker 2: think I can keep my eyes open, and it's only

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Speaker 2: seven thirty at night. Just a potato and Emily came

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Speaker 2: in and she said she was really tired as well,

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Speaker 2: this little qute eight year old, and she laid across

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Speaker 2: my chest and just hugged me so to love your dad.

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Speaker 2: I'm really tired. Can I lay with you? And I

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Speaker 2: was like, oh, this is this is the kind of parenting.

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Speaker 2: I'm ready for this.

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Speaker 4: This is parenting where I get to close my eyes

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Speaker 4: fall asleep.

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Speaker 2: Just hold this, kiddo. But we've been reading a book

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Speaker 2: like one chapter a week. I'm so bad at it.

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Speaker 2: But I said, what about if we read some of

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Speaker 2: leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo? And she says yes,

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Speaker 2: jumps up, eyes bright, looking at me. I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 2: So the chapter is like twelve pages long, and how.

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Speaker 3: Many times did you fall asleep?

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Speaker 2: Free? She had to wake me up three times. I'm reading,

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Speaker 2: I'm saying words, but I'm actually asleep. But here's the thing,

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Speaker 2: and this is the beautiful part about it. I'm saying

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Speaker 2: that I don't want a parent anymore, but actively parenting

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Speaker 2: rather than passively being frustrated because the kids are around.

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Speaker 2: I felt so good. It felt so good to lay

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Speaker 2: there and cuddle and snuggle, and it felt so good

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Speaker 2: to read to her, and it felt so good to

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Speaker 2: fall asleep as well, but it kind of I guess

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Speaker 2: it's that reminder, isn't.

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Speaker 3: It, to wake up and have your clothes ready.

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Speaker 2: I certainly appreciate that all the time, there was just

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Speaker 2: a I guess it's a and i'll do better tomorrow

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Speaker 2: point of view. A great reminder A few times this week,

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Speaker 2: whether it's been taking the kids down to the beach

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Speaker 2: for a surf, or reading stories at night time, or

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Speaker 2: going for that run in the morning, even though they're

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Speaker 2: a little bit wingy and wine and I don't want

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Speaker 2: to do it, they're the moments that have been really

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Speaker 2: worth it. They're the moments that have been good. And

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Speaker 2: I guess it just goes back to that whole thing.

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Speaker 2: We say we want me time, but the joy is

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Speaker 2: really in the we time, the we time. So maybe

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Speaker 2: my old do better tomorrow is this weekend and next week.

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Speaker 2: I need to focus more on WE time and be

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Speaker 2: an active, intentional contributor to it. There's there's that question

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Speaker 2: that I ask parents all the time. Twenty years from now,

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Speaker 2: when you're sitting around the barbecue or the dining table

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Speaker 2: talking to the kids about what was like to be

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Speaker 2: raised by you, what do you want them to say, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 2: Dad was always so busy. He was pretty focused on

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Speaker 2: his own thing. Or Dad was always there to read

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Speaker 2: a story, or go for a run, or go for

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Speaker 2: a surf, or play in the backyard to jump on

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Speaker 2: the trampoline. And this conversation has I feel like I'm

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Speaker 2: doing a one ady already. I'll see how I feel tonight,

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Speaker 2: but I feel like I'm doing on aby right now.

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Speaker 3: For my I'll do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 4: It's kind of I guess it's a little flow on

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Speaker 4: from the things that you've shared, okay, and just the

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Speaker 4: acknowledgment that right now there's just there's there's a lot

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Speaker 4: of movement and a lot of hold in our lives

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Speaker 4: right now. There's some big changes about to take place,

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Speaker 4: lots of exciting things happening throughout the year, but there's

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Speaker 4: also just a lot of emotion around that. And the

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Speaker 4: other morning I was just kind of I'm really struggling

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Speaker 4: with our daughter, who has just finished high school, is

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Speaker 4: ready to get on with her life, and she is

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Speaker 4: ready to fly the coup, but she knows that.

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Speaker 2: Home is financially the area and cushing, and she wants

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Speaker 2: to be gone. She actually does, and I know I

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Speaker 2: wanted to be gone to, but only because it's good for.

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Speaker 4: It, because that's the next phase, Like that's actually what's

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Speaker 4: supposed to happen. That's the progression of things, and being

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Speaker 4: kind of in this place where I'm watching her make

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Speaker 4: decisions that aren't necessarily the ones that I would like

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Speaker 4: to make for her, and desperately wanting to provide her

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Speaker 4: with I guess that autonomy supportive parenting and allow her

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Speaker 4: the opportunities as an adult. I mean, I don't really

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Speaker 4: have any say anymore, but it allow her to have

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Speaker 4: those opportunities and still stay close with her, and yet

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Speaker 4: in so many ways, she doesn't actually want us to

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Speaker 4: be a part of her space anymore. She really wants

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Speaker 4: her independence and her space. And as a mum, as

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Speaker 4: a parent, I don't think it really matters, but especially

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Speaker 4: I am struggling with that distance that's growing. And so

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Speaker 4: the other morning I was having a conversation with our

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Speaker 4: eldest and just kind of just really you know, letting

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Speaker 4: it all out because I just there's a I guess

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Speaker 4: there's a grieving process. We've been through it before, but

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Speaker 4: it's kind of it's hit me again and it doesn't matter.

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Speaker 4: I don't think it matters how many times you go

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Speaker 4: through it. It's all new and fresh every time you

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Speaker 4: do it. And she said that she actually was over

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Speaker 4: one night while you were doing a webinar, and you

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Speaker 4: had actually called her in to the into the office

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Speaker 4: while you were doing your webinar and kind of put

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Speaker 4: her on the spot and asked her how old she

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Speaker 4: was before she recognized that we'd kind of done an

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Speaker 4: okay job as parents, that we knew what we were

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Speaker 4: talking about.

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Speaker 2: Yep.

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Speaker 4: And she said it took her a minute or two,

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Speaker 4: but she finally realized that it wasn't until she left home.

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Speaker 4: It wasn't until she actually had the absolute autonomy of

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Speaker 4: her own space and her own life and not having

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Speaker 4: to answer to us for every little detail that she

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Speaker 4: realized just how much she appreciated the things that we

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Speaker 4: did for her and the values that we instilled in her,

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Speaker 4: And especially as she watched her friends struggle with different

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Speaker 4: life to decis.

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Speaker 2: It's a long time to wait for the payoff, isn't it?

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Speaker 3: Well, it is it is. I guess.

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Speaker 4: The short end of a long winded explanation is just

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Speaker 4: this acknowledgment that right now I feel a little bit sad.

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Speaker 4: I Actually my heart's aching a little bit, but I

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Speaker 4: recognize and know that this is a natural progression of

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Speaker 4: my child actually growing up and getting on with her life,

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Speaker 4: which is what I've prepared her for. You know, this

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Speaker 4: whole eighteen years is preparation for her to do exactly that,

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Speaker 4: And at some point in time, hopefully it won't be

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Speaker 4: too long, but at some point in time, she will

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Speaker 4: come to recognize and understand just how much she's loved

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Speaker 4: and how much we've done to support her in helping

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Speaker 4: her to achieve the things that she wants to do.

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Speaker 4: But right now she's exactly where she's supposed to be,

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Speaker 4: and my heart hurts a little bit, but I know

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Speaker 4: that it won't be forever.

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Speaker 2: In the end of my Misconnection book, in fact, at

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Speaker 2: the start of the miss Connection Book, I quote this

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Speaker 2: line from Mary Poppins about kids this thing that they've

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Speaker 2: got to do the next bit on their own. And

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Speaker 2: we're at that stage now. I mean, it's pretty cool,

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Speaker 2: it's pretty dark cool. But at the same time, I mean,

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Speaker 2: you're sitting here weeping right now because there's a grief

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Speaker 2: process that goes along with that as they they no

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Speaker 2: longer need this they just say, well, actually, I think

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Speaker 2: I know more than you. I think I'm ready to

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Speaker 2: do it all and it really, it really hurts. And

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Speaker 2: yet that's why we do it. Such a strange emotion,

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Speaker 2: isn't it such a strange emotion? Well, for me, the

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Speaker 2: takeo message of this is, yes, she's where she is.

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Speaker 2: But if I've got younger kids, I'm going to throw

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Speaker 2: in a reminder. I think you've got nine hundred and

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Speaker 2: thirty eight weekends from the time they're born to the

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Speaker 2: time they're eighteen, nine hundred and thirty eight saturdays where

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Speaker 2: you can go down to the beach or go for

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Speaker 2: a ride, be involved in the in the active parenting,

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Speaker 2: having those micro moments, having those ice creams at the

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Speaker 2: front of the Cold Rock ice Creamery or Baskin Robins,

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Speaker 2: where you just get to savor that moment together that

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Speaker 2: that's where it happened. It's those those little moments, So

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Speaker 2: take advantage of them because otherwise they're suddenly eighteen or

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Speaker 2: nineteen and leaving home and you kind of wonder where

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Speaker 2: it all went and how it all happened.

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Speaker 3: Huh.

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Speaker 4: I guess for us, having gone through this a number

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Speaker 4: of times now, I can see the end. From the beginning,

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Speaker 4: we have our eldest daughter who's gone through this process

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Speaker 4: and she's come back, and you know, the joy that

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Speaker 4: we experience in the relationship that we have now going

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Speaker 4: through it for the first time, I actually thought I'd

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Speaker 4: lost her forever. It just felt like my heart was

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Speaker 4: going to be completely smashed into smithereens and it would

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Speaker 4: never repair. But as she progressed and like she shared

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Speaker 4: in her own words, got her autonomy and her space

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Speaker 4: and realized just how much we loved her and how

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Speaker 4: much you know, we had done to help her, she

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Speaker 4: gradually came back and the relationship that we share now

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Speaker 4: is beautiful and more than I ever thought we would

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Speaker 4: get to after.

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Speaker 3: That process of letting her go.

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Speaker 4: So I think for anyone out there who's about to

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Speaker 4: experience it or is concerned about going through that process,

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Speaker 4: there is definitely light at.

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Speaker 3: The end of the tunnel. We just have an idea

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Speaker 3: how long the tunnel is.

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Speaker 2: As a bizarre side, as we wrap up this podcast,

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Speaker 2: you just said you felt like your heart was going

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Speaker 2: to be smashed to smithereens, and I thought, that's such

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Speaker 2: a strange word, smithereens. Where did that come from?

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Speaker 3: Well.

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Speaker 2: It turns out that smithereens first appeared in English in

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Speaker 2: eighteen twenty nine as smittherens, and is likely to derive

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Speaker 2: from the Irish word smytharin or smitareni, meaning fragment to

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Speaker 2: be smashed or blasted into tiny fragmentary pieces. Not that

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Speaker 2: we want our hearts to be smashing to smithereens, but

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Speaker 2: as a parent, it's almost guaranteed. Hey, we hope that

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Speaker 2: we have I'm sorry, I just I was fascinating. We

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Speaker 2: hope that you've enjoyed the podcast and that it helps

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Speaker 2: you to be better tomorrow or even today with your

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Speaker 2: kids as they continue to grow and move closer and

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Speaker 2: close to those days where they smash your hearts to

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Speaker 2: smithereens and move out and do the next bit on

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Speaker 2: their own. The Happy Families podcast produced by Justin Roland

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Speaker 2: from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Have

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Speaker 2: a great weekend. Please, if you're enjoying the podcast, jump

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Speaker 2: onto Apple Podcasts and leave us a five star rating

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Speaker 2: and a review. We love those reviews. They helped people

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Speaker 2: to find the podcast, apparently through the black magic of

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Speaker 2: the interwebs. It makes the podcast or visible Happy Families

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Speaker 2: dot com dot if you'd like more info about making

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Speaker 2: your family happier. Thanks for listening.