1 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:08,360 Speaker 1: Sometimes raising kids can be really tricky. What do you 2 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,120 Speaker 1: do when you are so sure that you are getting 3 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,480 Speaker 1: it right but you are not. What do you do 4 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:15,760 Speaker 1: when every time you open your mouth your child looks 5 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:19,480 Speaker 1: at you and says you're getting it wrong again, but 6 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:24,239 Speaker 1: I'd say so nicely actually, And how do you recover 7 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:28,600 Speaker 1: from tricky questions and tough conversations that are unexpected at 8 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:33,000 Speaker 1: the dining table in front of everybody, including people who 9 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,640 Speaker 1: really don't want to be part of that conversation. That's 10 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 1: today on our Old Do Better Tomorrow episode of The 11 00:00:38,479 --> 00:00:44,199 Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast Stay with Us. Hello, Welcome to The 12 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,800 Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast. It's real parenting solutions every single day 13 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 1: on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. 14 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:51,839 Speaker 2: We are Justin and Kylie Colson. 15 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:53,639 Speaker 1: Friday is to day where we get the most practical 16 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,400 Speaker 1: and I'm excited for today's I'll do Better Tomorrow. Just 17 00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 1: before we do a couple of things. First off, in 18 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,440 Speaker 1: big news in our family, we have two daughters that 19 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,480 Speaker 1: celebrated birthdays in the last week or so, same day, 20 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:05,440 Speaker 1: three years apart. 21 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:06,319 Speaker 2: I planned that well. 22 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:08,720 Speaker 3: I can't believe you're taking the credit for that. 23 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:12,800 Speaker 2: That was all me that's entirely me hilarious. I have 24 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,280 Speaker 2: no idea what day it is. I just know that 25 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:16,679 Speaker 2: I love spending time with you. 26 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 3: Not only did I plan it to the day, they 27 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,240 Speaker 3: were eighteen minutes apart on the eighteenth. 28 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,600 Speaker 2: Okay, well again, I can't really claim very much. 29 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,440 Speaker 1: There, although I was involved at the start and the end, 30 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:31,480 Speaker 1: so there was definitely some Let's move on, the joy 31 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,720 Speaker 1: of seeing your children have their birthdays is great, but 32 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,039 Speaker 1: I wanted to play something that came through a voice 33 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,200 Speaker 1: message from the super simple system at Happy Families dot 34 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: com dot auie. You just scroll down to where it 35 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 1: says podcast, press the record button and start talking. Alyssa 36 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,800 Speaker 1: left us this message. You haven't heard it. Just wanted 37 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 1: to share this one with you. 38 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 4: Hi, Justin and Kylie. I recently listened to your podcast 39 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,920 Speaker 4: wy exam results don't define your child, and the timing 40 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,560 Speaker 4: couldn't have been better. Our eldest is in year twelve 41 00:01:56,600 --> 00:02:00,160 Speaker 4: and coming up to exams. She's always struggled with test conditions, 42 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 4: determined to give it her best and then take a 43 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,800 Speaker 4: gap year. I've shared many of your podcasts with her, 44 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 4: and she actually listened to this one few. It really resonated, 45 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,960 Speaker 4: we'd love your advice and how she might gain the 46 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,840 Speaker 4: type of life experience you mentioned, and what guidance or 47 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,440 Speaker 4: loose rules you might have given your own children during 48 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,079 Speaker 4: their gap years at home. We've suggested she work to 49 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,640 Speaker 4: earn money and independence, but aren't sure how to set 50 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,200 Speaker 4: fair expectations like contributing to rent or food while keeping 51 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,960 Speaker 4: it supportive. Would love your advice. Thank you. 52 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,840 Speaker 1: I love that we've got you twelve students listening to 53 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,120 Speaker 1: our podcasts. I hope they're not failing their exams as 54 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:36,000 Speaker 1: a result of listening to our podcast But I just thought, 55 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,079 Speaker 1: even though today's an older bitter tomorrow, some really quick 56 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 1: advice on what we tell our kids about gap years. 57 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,560 Speaker 1: Because we are big believers in gap years, we say, 58 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 1: be productive. You're not allowed to sit on the couch, 59 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,639 Speaker 1: not allowed to stare at your phone. You've got to 60 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,080 Speaker 1: have a full time work or full time volunteering full. 61 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,160 Speaker 3: Time yes, so it's either your earning or you're learning, 62 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,840 Speaker 3: and our girls have done really well with that. As 63 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,000 Speaker 3: far as paying bored, we've just made it really simple. 64 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 3: It's ten percent of whatever their owning, so some weeks 65 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 3: that means it's four dollars seventy and other weeks it's 66 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,640 Speaker 3: forty seven dollars. But it's actually not about what they're paying. 67 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,079 Speaker 3: It's about getting them into the habit of being able 68 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,400 Speaker 3: to give that money. 69 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:14,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, and finding ways that you can contribute the community, 70 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,600 Speaker 1: do something that's bigger than you. We have a faith background, 71 00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:19,240 Speaker 1: so that makes that a little bit easier. Churches are 72 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,960 Speaker 1: often integrated in that way, and our kids have gone 73 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 1: and done church mission work, which has been great, but 74 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,760 Speaker 1: there are so many other things that you can do. 75 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,320 Speaker 1: I'm also a really big fan of the Armed Forces 76 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,640 Speaker 1: doing a twelve month gap year that's paid, Like kids 77 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:33,119 Speaker 1: get paid eighty thousand dollars straight out of high school, 78 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 1: or they're about to go and do a twelve month 79 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,080 Speaker 1: gap year with the Army, and I just think it's 80 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:39,760 Speaker 1: with the Navy or with the Air Force, and I 81 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 1: think it's absolutely fantastic, and I think. 82 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,120 Speaker 3: It's really good if you just have some you know, 83 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 3: kind of general expectations around what they contribute in the home. 84 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's totally yeah. 85 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:53,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, so that you're both on the same page, because 86 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 3: it's one thing is as a parent, you're thinking that 87 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 3: they're going to do X Y, and Z and they're 88 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,000 Speaker 3: completely not on the same page, and it just causes 89 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,120 Speaker 3: there's lots of tension. But if you both are in 90 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,640 Speaker 3: agreement that X, Y and Z needs to be done 91 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,520 Speaker 3: each week, and you're happy to kind of work in 92 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,080 Speaker 3: with timeframes and things like that, then things are going 93 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,240 Speaker 3: to be a lot better for both of you because 94 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,680 Speaker 3: you've got this child who's not really a child anymore, 95 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:15,520 Speaker 3: but still a child. 96 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, especially, I mean, I reckon eighteen year olds today 97 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,440 Speaker 1: are the equivalent of fifteen or sixteen year olds when 98 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,719 Speaker 1: I was growing up. And I'm not saying that in 99 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,279 Speaker 1: a disparaging way. That's what the world has created. The 100 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:29,839 Speaker 1: world has stunted our kids development because of the way 101 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: we coddled them all the way through, and these gap 102 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 1: years are important for their development. 103 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,279 Speaker 3: Well, Elsa, I hope that's been helpful. Good luck with 104 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 3: the exams. We're in the same boat as you. So 105 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,400 Speaker 3: I'm just holding my breath for another few weeks and 106 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 3: we're done. 107 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,520 Speaker 2: Cannot wait. I can not wait, Kylie. 108 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,520 Speaker 1: We try not to make too much noise about this, 109 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,800 Speaker 1: but I've been really slack end of August, going back 110 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,560 Speaker 1: a couple of months, but end of August We got 111 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,080 Speaker 1: a couple of reviews that came through. 112 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,360 Speaker 2: On Apple Podcasts, and I just wanted to share them 113 00:04:58,360 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 2: with you real quick. 114 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 1: Number one, this one comes from sports MoMA, who said, 115 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,520 Speaker 1: thank you for reminding me that no is okay. As 116 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,440 Speaker 1: a mum of a fourteen year old without a mobile 117 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,159 Speaker 1: phone and an eleven year old not on roadblocks, I'm 118 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,320 Speaker 1: reminded at times that I'm the world's worst mum. But 119 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,680 Speaker 1: listening to your podcast over the years, and having had 120 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,839 Speaker 1: the joy of meeting you in person, has given me 121 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,120 Speaker 1: the strength to remember why I say no. Some days, 122 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,520 Speaker 1: the battles are hard and I don't feel like the 123 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:21,840 Speaker 1: ally my kids want, but I will always stand strong 124 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 1: as the mum they need. From Michelle the sports Mommer. 125 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,039 Speaker 1: And also there was one more that came through. This 126 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 1: was from Tina Reviews one one one one, who gave 127 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,680 Speaker 1: us five stars but both five star episodes. 128 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 2: Sorry reviews. 129 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,839 Speaker 1: Tina said, I've listened to the podcast from the beginning, 130 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:39,120 Speaker 1: from the beginning, every episode. I mean we're talking a 131 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:42,560 Speaker 1: couple of thousand, almost we're getting close to two thousand episodes. 132 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:44,720 Speaker 2: I don't think i've she's. 133 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,719 Speaker 3: Listened to all your dribble in the beginning. 134 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:48,719 Speaker 2: I can't believe you said. 135 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,480 Speaker 3: Well, she must really really like you. 136 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,880 Speaker 1: Still listening, so she must really really like you. The 137 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 1: courses are brilliant paarenting role models. Oh that's very nice, 138 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,840 Speaker 1: with sense of all science backed advice paired with vulnerability 139 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:01,560 Speaker 1: and real life experiences in this ushions keeping the episodes short, 140 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 1: I try, I try, But you don't mind a chat, 141 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:05,559 Speaker 1: do you? 142 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:06,000 Speaker 2: Honey? 143 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,000 Speaker 3: You can't even say that with a straight face. 144 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,560 Speaker 1: Means you can listen each day without being over well, 145 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 1: trying to fit in lengthy discussions, hugely relaidible. And I 146 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,400 Speaker 1: love the folks on reducing screen time. And I do 147 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:20,479 Speaker 1: have to add this. There's a little addendum and it's 148 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:24,040 Speaker 1: for our daughter Emily, and it's just worth quickly mentioning 149 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,920 Speaker 1: it to Emily. Our children do not have roadblocks. They 150 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,839 Speaker 1: are thirteen and ten or phones for that matter, so 151 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,400 Speaker 1: you are not the only one. And yes, I wish 152 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,520 Speaker 1: more parents would band together. Just a suggestion. My ten 153 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,839 Speaker 1: year old homeschooler is not always keen to write either, 154 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:40,200 Speaker 1: but she is keen to write to pen pals, forming 155 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,440 Speaker 1: friend connections and writing practice win win. 156 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 2: Thanks for everything you do, Happy family. Seenment's full honesty 157 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,599 Speaker 2: and heart very much appreciated. Tina. 158 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:48,839 Speaker 1: If you've got a daughter who might like a pen pal, 159 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,720 Speaker 1: I mean, we can't promise, but Sert as you details, 160 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,920 Speaker 1: we'll see if Emily will have a chat with your 161 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,600 Speaker 1: daughter who knows. All right, Kylie, our news has gone 162 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 1: little bit longer than it should, as it always does. 163 00:06:58,640 --> 00:06:59,960 Speaker 1: What's your older better tomorrow? 164 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 3: Well, on Tuesday, we had a tricky question from Alana, 165 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:07,680 Speaker 3: and she was asking how to have those tricky conversations. 166 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:10,280 Speaker 3: She acknowledged that her kids are a little bit younger, 167 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 3: so she's got a think from memory, a five year 168 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 3: old and a seven year old, and we acknowledged that 169 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,760 Speaker 3: we were definitely not having the tricky conversations that we're 170 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,560 Speaker 3: now having with our kids. But as we're sitting around 171 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:28,600 Speaker 3: the dinner table these days with a marriage daughter who's 172 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 3: now a mum and studying to. 173 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,880 Speaker 2: Be a midwife midwifree, oh my goodness, daughter. 174 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 3: Number two was in her first very serious relationship. Daughter 175 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,640 Speaker 3: number three has just come home after eighteen months, and 176 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:44,000 Speaker 3: then we've got a daughter who's just turned eighteen. As 177 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 3: coming up in the world of adulthood, the conversations around 178 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,360 Speaker 3: the table might make you blush a lot lately. 179 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 1: Justin yes, I mean, I don't mind talking about almost anything, 180 00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:00,560 Speaker 1: but sometimes as I'm sitting there and chewing on my 181 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:01,560 Speaker 1: cherry tomatoes and. 182 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,240 Speaker 2: Lettuce and salad and whatever else. 183 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:06,920 Speaker 1: Is there, I do kind of. I mean, I take 184 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,920 Speaker 1: a breath and I just I wait because I know 185 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,560 Speaker 1: it will pass. I know it will pass, but it's 186 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:12,800 Speaker 1: a lot it is there. 187 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:17,360 Speaker 3: There was conversations around kissing tips one night we've had 188 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:19,960 Speaker 3: We've had so many different conversations, and just. 189 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,800 Speaker 2: One of the kids said that she practiced kissing on 190 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:25,800 Speaker 2: the wall. Who practices kissing the wall? 191 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,200 Speaker 3: Well, what did you practice on? 192 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,600 Speaker 2: I didn't need to practice on anything. I practiced on 193 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:32,640 Speaker 2: my girlfriends. 194 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,160 Speaker 1: Okay, I might have practiced on my pillow, and I 195 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 1: might have also practiced on the trip of my arm. 196 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,720 Speaker 2: Okay, what did you practice on? 197 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,600 Speaker 3: I didn't practice ever, did not. 198 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:46,760 Speaker 1: So you just asked that to embarrass me. I was 199 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,400 Speaker 1: just saying I didn't actually practice either. I just practice 200 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 1: on my girlfriends. 201 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:55,880 Speaker 3: But I was just thinking about the joy that we're 202 00:08:55,920 --> 00:09:01,959 Speaker 3: experiencing because we've gone through the challenge and the uncomfortability 203 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,640 Speaker 3: of having those conversations with our children from a really 204 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:09,319 Speaker 3: early age, there is literally no topic or limits, and 205 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:14,760 Speaker 3: sometimes it still makes you blush justin but I'm so grateful. 206 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,800 Speaker 3: I'm so grateful that their first point of call isn't 207 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,480 Speaker 3: to go to chat GBT or to go to Google. 208 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 3: It's to come home and talk to mum and include 209 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:27,960 Speaker 3: their siblings in those conversations. And I wouldn't want it 210 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,520 Speaker 3: any other way, even the conversations that make me blush. 211 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:35,119 Speaker 3: And what I find curious is that so many times 212 00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:37,559 Speaker 3: they'll come to me and they'll be a little bit 213 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:41,880 Speaker 3: kind of just cautious, and then I'll open up and 214 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 3: they'll look at me like really, Like you're nearly fifty 215 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,200 Speaker 3: and you're okay having this kind of a conversation, Like really, 216 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,200 Speaker 3: It blows them away. And what it actually does is 217 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:57,320 Speaker 3: it creates a connection that you don't get otherwise, firstly, 218 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 3: and secondly humanizes you as a per and outside of 219 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:01,440 Speaker 3: being their. 220 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,880 Speaker 1: Mum, Creating the culture is hard work. The kids resist it, 221 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:08,559 Speaker 1: especially through their adolescent years. But when you're intentional, when 222 00:10:08,559 --> 00:10:13,440 Speaker 1: you're consistent, it really does change things for them, and 223 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,000 Speaker 1: you can talk about almost anything. 224 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,800 Speaker 3: You become a safe place for them where they get 225 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:22,840 Speaker 3: to kind of have tricky conversations where they know they're 226 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:24,120 Speaker 3: not going to be judged, they're not going to be 227 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,319 Speaker 3: laughed at, they're not going to, you know, kind of 228 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,560 Speaker 3: be questioned why would you think that? Or that we 229 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 3: can actually sit down and have it. And for the 230 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:33,200 Speaker 3: eleven year old and the fifteen year old watching that happen, 231 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,000 Speaker 3: that just reinforces to them that mum and dad are 232 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,880 Speaker 3: a place that they can go when they need help, 233 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:41,800 Speaker 3: when they need to know things that are troubling them. 234 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:45,920 Speaker 1: Okay, after the break my older bitter tomorrow, including how 235 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:49,640 Speaker 1: my fifteen year old has informed me I cannot possibly 236 00:10:50,320 --> 00:11:00,400 Speaker 1: get it right. Welcome back to the Happy Families podcast, 237 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions every Day. My older Better Tomorrow A 238 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,480 Speaker 1: bit of a tricky one one that I'd rather not 239 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,240 Speaker 1: talk about, but I'm going to bring it up anyway. 240 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:08,959 Speaker 2: Sometimes you just. 241 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 1: Can't get it right, even if you've written the parenting books, 242 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,920 Speaker 1: even if you know what you're talking about, even if 243 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:15,920 Speaker 1: you teach other people how to do it. Sometimes you 244 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 1: can't get it right because not everything works all the 245 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:22,640 Speaker 1: time with every child in every circumstance, including for me. 246 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, but you're saying that it's not working because you're 247 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 3: expecting a specific outcome, and the reality is that, yes, 248 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:36,560 Speaker 3: there's no textbook answer. So what you're doing is creating 249 00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:40,559 Speaker 3: a culture. That's what you're doing. You're creating a culture 250 00:11:40,559 --> 00:11:42,479 Speaker 3: and therefore creating a relationship. 251 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,920 Speaker 1: Well, I just want to highlight the other day one 252 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:48,320 Speaker 1: of the our fifteen year old was being I don't 253 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,800 Speaker 1: know how Difficult's difficult? Yeah, I was going to say obnoxious, 254 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:51,960 Speaker 1: but difficult it's more appropriate. 255 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:52,680 Speaker 2: If she's listening. 256 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:56,840 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, LTE, and I tried to correct her. 257 00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,439 Speaker 1: I did it gently. There was nothing abrupt or sharp 258 00:11:59,559 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 1: or ave or severe about it at all. 259 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,120 Speaker 2: It was it was just a come. 260 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,320 Speaker 1: On, you know better, and we're trying to do this nicely, 261 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:12,280 Speaker 1: and what's the deal? And she just lost it at 262 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,640 Speaker 1: me and then she started crying and got very emotional 263 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 1: and it was just a lot. And then she rang me, 264 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,280 Speaker 1: and then she rang you, crying, and then you rang me. 265 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:20,959 Speaker 1: And I didn't know that she'd been on the phone 266 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,720 Speaker 1: to you, so and I picked up the phone. I 267 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 1: called you all the wonderful names that I call you, 268 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,800 Speaker 1: and I answered the phone. I had you on speak 269 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,200 Speaker 1: and I said what can I do for you? And 270 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:28,880 Speaker 1: you said, I need you to be gentle with Lily. 271 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,439 Speaker 1: And you were on speakerphone and Lily was right beside 272 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,920 Speaker 1: me as you were ringing for Lily's defense. 273 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,760 Speaker 3: And then, and here's the crazy thing. When Lily rang me, 274 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,520 Speaker 3: she didn't ring me to tell you me that you 275 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,360 Speaker 3: were a bad person. She rang me to say she 276 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,679 Speaker 3: doesn't know what's wrong with her, but she couldn't stop crying. 277 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 2: I know, I know, I know. 278 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,200 Speaker 1: But in the meantime, she was saying something about her friends, 279 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,480 Speaker 1: and I said, well, I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised 280 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:56,560 Speaker 1: because I would want to be your friend right now. Like, 281 00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,480 Speaker 1: sometimes you do get it wrong, but other times it's 282 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,160 Speaker 1: not actually about you. It's about your kids much take 283 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,400 Speaker 1: our messages. Oh my goodness. No matter how much you 284 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,719 Speaker 1: do get it right, there's no credit for getting it right. 285 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:09,120 Speaker 1: When you get it wrong, it's all your fault. 286 00:13:09,679 --> 00:13:11,840 Speaker 3: It's all your fault. But it's actually got nothing to 287 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,280 Speaker 3: do But he's got nothing, it's actually got nothing to 288 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 3: do with you. 289 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,880 Speaker 2: Ah. So I checked in. 290 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,719 Speaker 1: I apologize because what I said was not kind, and 291 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,360 Speaker 1: I guess that also highlights sometimes it is you. Like 292 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,040 Speaker 1: I had been perfect until I made that one line, 293 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,200 Speaker 1: and when I said that one thing, I was like, 294 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:33,079 Speaker 1: oh gosh, why did you say that? And my mum 295 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,200 Speaker 1: used to have this saying. She used to say, there's 296 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,440 Speaker 1: two things that never come back, the spent grenade and 297 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,000 Speaker 1: the spoken word, and I think she was kind of 298 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,600 Speaker 1: saying they're both the same thing, like if you throw 299 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:45,680 Speaker 1: the wrong words out there, it's like throwing a grenade. 300 00:13:45,679 --> 00:13:49,440 Speaker 1: Once that grenade explodes, you can't take it back. And 301 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,480 Speaker 1: clearly my words as well. But nevertheless, most of it 302 00:13:52,559 --> 00:13:54,040 Speaker 1: was not me. Most of it was just her, and 303 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:55,760 Speaker 1: it didn't matter what I did. There was no right 304 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:58,120 Speaker 1: way because people are complex and sometimes there' stuff that 305 00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,680 Speaker 1: they're going through. It's just the stuff they're going through, 306 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,280 Speaker 1: and fifteen year olds are particularly complex. Fifteen year old 307 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:06,880 Speaker 1: girls are especially particularly complex. And my take home message 308 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 1: for today's I'll do better tomorrow so that I do 309 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,760 Speaker 1: not ramble and waffle about this is do the best 310 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,319 Speaker 1: you can say sorry when you get it wrong. Most 311 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,400 Speaker 1: of the time, it's not going to be you. Every 312 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,840 Speaker 1: now and again it is you. And then when it 313 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:19,760 Speaker 1: is you own it. Don't blame, don't make excuses, don't 314 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:20,320 Speaker 1: deny it. 315 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,240 Speaker 2: Just yeah, I got it. 316 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,760 Speaker 1: Wrong, and then get on with making sure that you're 317 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,680 Speaker 1: repairing that relationship every chance you get, because if you do, 318 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,240 Speaker 1: eventually you have those kids sitting around the dining table 319 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,280 Speaker 1: for birthday parties like we did the other night, talking 320 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,800 Speaker 1: about things that still make you blush, but they're really 321 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:38,040 Speaker 1: happy to keep coming home and keep having those conversations 322 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:41,240 Speaker 1: because most of the time it was them, and when 323 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,200 Speaker 1: it was you, you apologized and you made sure the 324 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:44,040 Speaker 1: relationship was right. 325 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:45,440 Speaker 2: I love that line. 326 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,440 Speaker 1: I used it with her the other day because she 327 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,920 Speaker 1: walked out in a huff, and when I went to her, 328 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,160 Speaker 1: I just said, I didn't do anything horrible, mean or nasty. 329 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,280 Speaker 1: This is kind of on you, kiddo, but I want 330 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:56,480 Speaker 1: you to know that, no matter how many times you 331 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:57,560 Speaker 1: walk out of the room, I love for you is 332 00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:58,880 Speaker 1: bigger than all the walkouts in the world. 333 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:00,760 Speaker 2: I love that line. 334 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,480 Speaker 1: My love for you is bigger than the thing you 335 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,360 Speaker 1: just did. No matter how many times you do it, 336 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,840 Speaker 1: my love for you is bigger than that. And that's 337 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:07,320 Speaker 1: my little bit. 338 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:07,720 Speaker 2: It's morrow. 339 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:11,520 Speaker 3: It's interesting to me. I've had so many conversations with 340 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:13,560 Speaker 3: each of the girls at different times over the last 341 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:18,560 Speaker 3: handful of months, and I can think back on my 342 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:22,560 Speaker 3: parenting journey with each of them and kind of cower 343 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 3: at some of the experiences I've had with them, the 344 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:29,000 Speaker 3: times where I just got it so wrong. And yet 345 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,360 Speaker 3: when I've talked to them and acknowledged that I recognize 346 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 3: and know that I haven't always got it right. The 347 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:38,120 Speaker 3: overwhelming response from each of them is how grateful they 348 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,440 Speaker 3: are for the times I got it right. Like they're 349 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:45,440 Speaker 3: not actually focused on when we got it wrong because 350 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:50,560 Speaker 3: we've attempted to repair each time we did. We've taken responsibility, 351 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 3: we've acknowledged and it makes such a difference to our 352 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:57,800 Speaker 3: kids when they can see that we're not perfect, but 353 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,560 Speaker 3: we're also willing to own when we get it wrong. 354 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, there's something amazing about getting your intentions right and 355 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,040 Speaker 1: having people see your intentions, Like we always want to 356 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,000 Speaker 1: be judged on our intentions, and if you can get 357 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,560 Speaker 1: the relationship right, you can be judged on your intentions 358 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:11,000 Speaker 1: and that. 359 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,640 Speaker 2: Is a real gift. Nice summary. 360 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,040 Speaker 1: We need to wrap this up. Have a great weekend everyone, 361 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,600 Speaker 1: We're back on Monday. The Happy Families podcast is produced 362 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,880 Speaker 1: by Justin Roulan from Bridge Media. We appreciate Mim Hammonds 363 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,280 Speaker 1: for her research, admin and other support. And if you're 364 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 1: looking for more resources to strengthen your family, to build 365 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,880 Speaker 1: your family, to make your family happier, check out the 366 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,000 Speaker 1: book The Parenting Revolution. 367 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,400 Speaker 2: The Parenting Revolution by me, yours truly, Justin 368 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:39,080 Speaker 1: Colson wherever you buy books and at happy families dot 369 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:39,920 Speaker 1: com dot au