Speaker 1: Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands
Speaker 1: were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders
Speaker 1: past and present, Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land.
Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land.
Speaker 2: Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
Speaker 1: I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and I am located currently in Romania.
Speaker 1: How is Romania, Brittany, I'm not there yet, So for context,
Speaker 1: this was recorded just before we took off for our
Speaker 1: little one week getaway break. But we hate leaving you hanging,
Speaker 1: so we did want to pre record some things for you.
Speaker 2: We did, and also I did try and convince Bread
Speaker 2: that she should take her recording equipment to Romania, to.
Speaker 3: Which I said, which told.
Speaker 2: She to not me, to go fuck myself, which is
Speaker 2: absolutely fair, and I did.
Speaker 4: It's like I'm going to finish this sentence right here.
Speaker 4: No is a full sentence.
Speaker 3: We will do a pre rap free goods.
Speaker 2: But to be fair, I know, obviously, guys, we talk
Speaker 2: about we talk about relationships lots on this podcast. But
Speaker 2: something that I hadn't been aware of until you spoke
Speaker 2: about it on Tuesday, But you were talking about how
Speaker 2: you have been at a point at this like this
Speaker 2: break of long distance, where it's been particularly hard.
Speaker 1: Well, most of you know that you've been here for
Speaker 1: a while. You know that Ben, my fian Ben has
Speaker 1: lived over in the UK for a long time. If
Speaker 1: you are new here, I am in a long distance relationship.
Speaker 1: My partner does say yeah, welcome, subscribe for We do
Speaker 1: get a lot of new listeners though, and I think
Speaker 1: sometimes we also forget that they're popping in and we
Speaker 1: expect everybody to.
Speaker 4: Know where we're at. But long distance has been great.
Speaker 1: Like you guys know that if I had the option,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't be doing long distance. It's not like I
Speaker 1: only want a long distance relationship, but I am somebody
Speaker 1: that can make the most of it, and I understand why.
Speaker 4: I can see the benefits and I can try and
Speaker 4: aim for the future.
Speaker 1: But occasionally, and now he's one of those times it's
Speaker 1: hard to.
Speaker 4: Aim for the future when you're like really in the
Speaker 4: depths of shit in the distance relationships.
Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is this six months,
Speaker 1: so this back end of the year, from when we
Speaker 1: got engaged a couple of months ago in June until Christmas,
Speaker 1: this year, I am spending five nights with Ben in
Speaker 1: six months, that is it five nights, And I'm like
Speaker 1: beside myself every time I think about it because I'm
Speaker 1: really struggling with it. So when I was going there,
Speaker 1: I was like, I just want to be with him
Speaker 1: for five nights, and I'm going to be exhausted and
Speaker 1: jet lagged, and I'm so I'm really having a hard
Speaker 1: time with long distance long distance.
Speaker 4: I think he is great. I think you can do it.
Speaker 4: I think everyone can do it. I'm an advocate for
Speaker 4: it if it has to happen.
Speaker 1: But this is like extreme long distance, Like we've never
Speaker 1: gone six months with only five nights. Then on top
Speaker 1: of that, Ben stays up till one thirty in the
Speaker 1: morning just to say good morning to me when I
Speaker 1: wake up because the time difference is so bad. So
Speaker 1: we're not even conversing, do you know, It's like you're
Speaker 1: not even having those We speak like once a day
Speaker 1: if we can, and even then one of us is
Speaker 1: exhausted and one of us has woken up.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 6: So I think also you would have gotten used to
Speaker 6: your previous schedule, you know, like you kind of got
Speaker 6: into the swing of things when you knew what the
Speaker 6: time zones were where he was living before, and you
Speaker 6: got used to that, and now the parameters have changed
Speaker 6: as well. I can only imagine that there's only so
Speaker 6: many times you can say miss you until it sounds
Speaker 6: very like yeah, yeah, say miss you too, you know.
Speaker 1: And it's like I said to you girls, I use
Speaker 1: the term you know. I said it's not working. And
Speaker 1: when I say it's not working, I don't mean the relationship.
Speaker 1: Of course, we're going to get through that, but the
Speaker 1: long distance isn't working. That doesn't mean the relationships over.
Speaker 1: It just means sometimes long distance works well, like a
Speaker 1: well oiled machine, and sometimes it fucking doesn't. Right now,
Speaker 1: it doesn't. And what happens when you spend so much
Speaker 1: time apart and anyone listening now will know exactly what
Speaker 1: I'm talking about. You go from really lovey dovey, emotional
Speaker 1: and in love to quite angry and frustrated at each
Speaker 1: other for no reason, because like, what's the fucking point
Speaker 1: of like I'll just talk to you tomorrow, there's no
Speaker 1: point you're tired to go to bed, I've got to
Speaker 1: do this. It's like you get angry over nothing. And
Speaker 1: I have noticed that over the last two years.
Speaker 4: Right at the end, when we're.
Speaker 1: At the long part, like just before we see each other,
Speaker 1: we realize we're at you need to see each We're
Speaker 1: at like the end of our teathers a bit with Okay,
Speaker 1: this needs to happen because we're just frustrated and you're
Speaker 1: not frustrated anything.
Speaker 4: No one's doing anything. And Ben is such an amazing partner.
Speaker 1: He always talked me off the ledge, like every time
Speaker 1: I work myself up and get really upset, which is
Speaker 1: a lot lately, way more than I would care to
Speaker 1: admit or I want, it's really tough. And I know
Speaker 1: on Instagram and stuff, it looks like we spend a
Speaker 1: lot of time together. I mean someone we laughed about
Speaker 1: it a little while ago. Someone laughed and said, it's
Speaker 1: just bitch always on holiday because I did.
Speaker 3: And I was like, fuck you.
Speaker 1: I was like, if I can be yes, yeah, but
Speaker 1: I was like, and I'm aware it sometimes looks like
Speaker 1: that because I'll always post photos from four months ago
Speaker 1: on a holiday, like so I look at him and
Speaker 1: I miss him, and I'm like, I'm just gonna put
Speaker 1: this up whatever. But yeah, so this is being recorded,
Speaker 1: like I fly in a couple of hours, so we
Speaker 1: left it right up into the last minute. But it's
Speaker 1: because time is a very precious commodity this week, and
Speaker 1: I didn't think you wanted me to record tuning while
Speaker 1: I was fornicating this.
Speaker 2: I want to hear you to be yes, I wanted
Speaker 2: you to be mid coitus. That's exclusive subscriber content for you.
Speaker 4: Talk about giving away prizes if you subscribe.
Speaker 1: Do you know how many times we have these conversations
Speaker 1: and I glance over to our video editor, John O
Speaker 1: and he doesn't even look up, but his face is
Speaker 1: always like, I'm just going to tune outs.
Speaker 2: We don't have Patreon yet, but maybe that will be
Speaker 2: the first subscriber episode. Join click now, swipe up up.
Speaker 2: Can you pay me to not have to edit?
Speaker 4: No, it's uncut, it's raw and it's not edited.
Speaker 1: So yeah, it's it's been really tough, but I'm very excited,
Speaker 1: like you listening to this, guys, hopefully I'm there and
Speaker 1: I'm posting it. I'm having a great time, but I'm
Speaker 1: very ready to see him, Like I feel like we've
Speaker 1: pushed it to the extreme from you know, seeing each other,
Speaker 1: and I'm so beyond ready. The fact that every time
Speaker 1: I think of him, my cry, which is ridiculous. But
Speaker 1: let me tell you something funny.
Speaker 4: I did.
Speaker 1: This is actually this will make you laugh. And I
Speaker 1: was so embarrassed. I was so mortified. I got a
Speaker 1: DM from a listener. She is this amazing musician, very talented,
Speaker 1: Like I follow her because she's so brilliant. She messaged
Speaker 1: me and she's like, hey, Britt, Like I just wanted
Speaker 1: to say congrats on your engagement, Like it was the
Speaker 1: loveliest message. I have been a life a listener for years,
Speaker 1: Like I've listened to all the episodes. If you ever
Speaker 1: want to talk music or anything for your wedding, you
Speaker 1: know I'm around.
Speaker 4: Like her name is Sydney.
Speaker 1: So what she does is takes two songs that you
Speaker 1: might love and she mashes them together but makes them
Speaker 1: acoustic and suitable for.
Speaker 4: A wedding, Like you have to go. We can put her.
Speaker 5: You've showed me her account. She does like melodies, so
Speaker 5: she'll get brilliant. And the thing about pop songs is
Speaker 5: that they're often written in the same time signature, and
Speaker 5: you're able to transpose them into the same chord. You
Speaker 5: can kind of put one on top of the other.
Speaker 5: Quite easily and quite seamlessly. She does it to a
Speaker 5: level that is so you're just like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 5: this is every song in the pop charts, and you've
Speaker 5: made it into the one song and she'll just sing
Speaker 5: a bridge from one and a chorus from another, and yeah.
Speaker 1: It's like yeah, yeah, but not just a mash up.
Speaker 1: Any song that she doesn't even have to mash them right.
Speaker 1: Any song that you might love but it could be
Speaker 1: a pop song but you love the lyrics. She just
Speaker 1: makes it her own and sings this soft, beautiful acoustic
Speaker 1: version that is suitable because not every song you gotta
Speaker 1: rock down the aisle.
Speaker 4: Too, right, but she makes it likely. Anyway, this is
Speaker 4: not the point.
Speaker 2: Walking down the ar to My Pussy and My crack crack. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but that's what she does. Anyway, That was irrelevant. Can
Speaker 2: we request that she makes a melody of My Pussy
Speaker 2: and My Crack. I can ask me to sing it
Speaker 2: on the podcast, please, Sidney, if you're listening, please sing
Speaker 2: My Pussy and My Crack for us.
Speaker 1: But my point of this is she wrote me this
Speaker 1: beautiful message, and I am just always such a hurricane.
Speaker 1: So I wrote back to her really quickly, because I
Speaker 1: was busy and put my phone down.
Speaker 4: What I responded to her?
Speaker 1: So she'd written this beautiful message, and she said she's
Speaker 1: a longtime listener. And I wrote back, Oh, you're a loser.
Speaker 1: Exclamation mark.
Speaker 3: That's what I wrote. I wrote, you're a loser because
Speaker 3: you meant to send it to someone else.
Speaker 4: No, because it was supposed to say, oh, you're a lifer.
Speaker 1: Order I was supposed to say you're a lifer, which
Speaker 1: is why it had exclamation marks.
Speaker 5: Oh you're a lifer.
Speaker 1: I reaan Oh you're a loser, exclamation mark, exclamation mark. Anyway,
Speaker 1: then I Sidney were so sorry bury me. You know what?
Speaker 1: She wrote back, tell me what you really think. But
Speaker 1: before she wrote that, I was in huge capital letters.
Speaker 1: I was beside myself. I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry.
Speaker 4: Lifer.
Speaker 1: I meant you're a life by life, a lifer like
Speaker 1: I love you. You are not a loser.
Speaker 4: She goes, tell me what you really think. I nearly died.
Speaker 5: That is so funny. Imagine imagine if you hadn't noticed
Speaker 5: that's it's got.
Speaker 4: A review through Brittany's a bit.
Speaker 1: I just could not believe it. I was like, man,
Speaker 1: like you gotta focus more. You can't be going around
Speaker 1: throwing loser around.
Speaker 3: I feel like I also shoot from the hit with
Speaker 3: messages quite a bit.
Speaker 1: You're like, she was wonderful and I think she still
Speaker 1: will be composing some music for me my.
Speaker 5: Grand to hear it if you want to check her out,
Speaker 5: and also apologize for Brittany's no correct.
Speaker 4: I haven't even booked her in or anything.
Speaker 1: But what I will say is she does do weddings
Speaker 1: where she will rock up and personally sing like she
Speaker 1: will be your entertainment or if it's like a destination wedding,
Speaker 1: all she can't make it, she pay for her to
Speaker 1: do the song that you want, and she also she
Speaker 1: almost curates it. I'm just so excited by this. Is
Speaker 1: she coming to BALI is that? Is that? What?
Speaker 5: Sponsored?
Speaker 4: It's not?
Speaker 1: No, I just think she's I just looked at her.
Speaker 1: She could be my vibe this week. But I just
Speaker 1: looked at her page and I'm like, you're so talented,
Speaker 1: and I just love the work.
Speaker 4: I haven't booked it. I'm not doing anything yet.
Speaker 3: You're really doing a good job of digging up from
Speaker 3: the loser comment. You're like, and she's she's the best
Speaker 3: we are a winner.
Speaker 4: You're a winner in my eyes.
Speaker 3: Fark Let's move on, Okay.
Speaker 2: I have a question for you guys before we get
Speaker 2: into ask gun cuts. And I think it kind of
Speaker 2: pertains to an ask gun cut in some ways. Do
Speaker 2: you think and it's a tricky one to explain this
Speaker 2: question without like just try throwing the person completely under
Speaker 2: the bus.
Speaker 3: Do you think it is okay?
Speaker 2: Or there is a limit slash time frame to how
Speaker 2: long you can be in a relationship without knowing for
Speaker 2: sure that that person is the one. And I say
Speaker 2: this because it came off the back of a conversation
Speaker 2: I had with a friend recently. They've been a relationship
Speaker 2: for almost eight years, and they said, I'm not really
Speaker 2: sure if they're the one talking about their partner talking
Speaker 2: about whether or not they would want to get engaged
Speaker 2: to and do all the big life things that their
Speaker 2: partner also wants in life.
Speaker 3: It's not like they're both just cruising.
Speaker 2: Their partner is hoping that one day they will have
Speaker 2: the you know, the white picke at fence and the
Speaker 2: house and the potentially family with this person. What are
Speaker 2: your views on not being sure when you're in a
Speaker 2: long term relationship whether the person that you're with is
Speaker 2: the one and if you feel like that, how long
Speaker 2: is it okay to feel like that before you take action.
Speaker 1: Is the person that is unsure a male or female?
Speaker 1: A male okay checks out. Women usually know what they
Speaker 1: want for me. I think if you are eight years
Speaker 1: deep and you're at this age group, like there's a
Speaker 1: difference between eight years from eighteen, like coming out of school,
Speaker 1: or a difference between eighteen and you're in your mid
Speaker 1: to late twenties to thirties and onwards.
Speaker 4: If you don't know what you want.
Speaker 1: With that person after eight years, chances are they're probably
Speaker 1: not right, And I think you're wasting somebody's time. I
Speaker 1: don't think that's fair. Do they know that you are unsure?
Speaker 1: Because that's the other question too. It's like, have you
Speaker 1: had that conversation with them where you're like, look, I
Speaker 1: don't I don't know what I want? Or are you
Speaker 1: internalizing that? And this poor person does think that you are.
Speaker 1: You know, she's waiting for the engagement and she's waiting
Speaker 1: for the baby. Because they're two very different things.
Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, absolutely, I do think they are two
Speaker 2: to different things. But I don't necessarily think it's the
Speaker 2: wrong relationship. I think that there are people out there
Speaker 2: it's the person. It doesn't matter what relationship they're in,
Speaker 2: They're always going to have this casual lais a fair
Speaker 2: kind of attitude towards it, because they themselves don't know
Speaker 2: whether they as a guy, they've got like a bit
Speaker 2: of Peter Pan syndrome. They don't know whether they want
Speaker 2: to have kids, they don't know whether they want to
Speaker 2: get married. They don't really know whether they want to
Speaker 2: have these big things. But they're quite happy to be
Speaker 2: in a committed monogamous relationship, which would indicate that they
Speaker 2: are after those things. That would, you know, allude to
Speaker 2: that the time is coming.
Speaker 3: But I think it's not.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that's okay.
Speaker 1: If you can't be sure about if you want kids
Speaker 1: or not, or you want to get married or not,
Speaker 1: but you are so sure about that person and they
Speaker 1: know that. I think that's different. You know, we spoke
Speaker 1: about me being in that pendulum of kids and not kids.
Speaker 1: There are plenty of people that are unsure about their
Speaker 1: big life decisions. But the constant there is your partner,
Speaker 1: Like you need.
Speaker 4: To know if that part nor is right for you,
Speaker 4: if your partner.
Speaker 1: Female partner really wants kids and she doesn't know how
Speaker 1: undecisive you are. That's a conversation you need to have
Speaker 1: because it could be a deal breaker for her. You
Speaker 1: don't want to take that away from her that moment,
Speaker 1: and that's a huge It's not a moment, it's like
Speaker 1: the rest of your entire life.
Speaker 2: I have so many complex feelings about this, to be honest,
Speaker 2: because on one hand, I and maybe it comes from my
Speaker 2: own personal experience a little bit, because when I was
Speaker 2: in my early twenties, my six year relationship I will
Speaker 2: never forget when he one day was like, I just
Speaker 2: don't know whether you're the person I want to marry
Speaker 2: or not.
Speaker 3: And I was like, sorry, what.
Speaker 2: We've been together for six fucking years. You still don't
Speaker 2: know You're not sure? And it was really, really hurtful.
Speaker 2: I thought it was so mean, And now that I'm older,
Speaker 2: I do have an appreciation because by him giving me
Speaker 2: that information, he was also giving me the opportunity to
Speaker 2: make a decision for myself.
Speaker 3: I was just too.
Speaker 2: Young, too naive, too blindly and love to realize well
Speaker 2: that but it was the truth, and the truth doesn't
Speaker 2: always make you feel good. And so it did give
Speaker 2: me the information that I should have done something with,
Speaker 2: although I stuck my head in the sand.
Speaker 5: I think this a lot of it comes down to
Speaker 5: the communication of the desires, you know, like and I
Speaker 5: think far too often we hear of this scenario where
Speaker 5: person A doesn't communicate the fact that they're not sure about,
Speaker 5: you know, because it works in their favor. It's almost
Speaker 5: quite manipulative because they're getting everything they want out of
Speaker 5: the situation. And I think it adds a particular layer
Speaker 5: of cruelty when you add in a potential biological clock,
Speaker 5: Like you said, I think if the person's communicated it
Speaker 5: and they're like, hey, I don't know if this is
Speaker 5: what I want. I don't know if this is you know,
Speaker 5: the future of us, and that other person, person B,
Speaker 5: chooses to stay in the relationship, well, that's kind of
Speaker 5: a bit like a you're aware of the scenario, you're
Speaker 5: aware of the factors, and you're choosing to opt into it.
Speaker 5: But I think far too often the person who feels
Speaker 5: that way, the person who feels unsure, isn't communicating that,
Speaker 5: and he is leading the other person down the garden path.
Speaker 5: And that's why you hear so many stories of people
Speaker 5: just being like, I am so blindsided by this decision
Speaker 5: because the other person's been thinking about it for months,
Speaker 5: if not years, and you've had absolutely no idea that
Speaker 5: this is going on in their head, and now you're.
Speaker 3: Like, what the fuck?
Speaker 5: I had this trajectory of where I thought my life
Speaker 5: was going to go. Now all of a sudden, it's
Speaker 5: completely different and I'm in a different phase of life.
Speaker 2: I agree with you. I think that is a particularly
Speaker 2: cruel scenario. And it's so funny because over the years,
Speaker 2: and like I said, I would have prior if we'd
Speaker 2: gotten that askun cut, say five years ago, where someone
Speaker 2: was like, hey, i've been in a relationship for seven
Speaker 2: years and my partner has told me that they don't
Speaker 2: think I'm necessarily the person that they want to spend
Speaker 2: the rest of their life with. I would have had
Speaker 2: the response of like, well, fuck your partner, Like, how
Speaker 2: dare they kind of get to that point and only
Speaker 2: just tell you now.
Speaker 3: I do think seven years is a long time.
Speaker 2: If you've been thinking that that whole time, you should
Speaker 2: have had the conversation sooner. But in the same instance,
Speaker 2: there is something about the honesty that I do appreciate
Speaker 2: now and I go, okay, well, at least they're giving
Speaker 2: you the opportunity to make a decision for yourself. It's
Speaker 2: exactly the scenario that you've described, Kesh, where that person
Speaker 2: is unaware and then one day might get broken up
Speaker 2: with and had no idea that they will never ever
Speaker 2: endgame in the first place. And it's like it's the
Speaker 2: stopping and the prohibiting of that person to be able
Speaker 2: to seek out a relationship with someone who wants the
Speaker 2: same things as them that I think is particularly manipulative.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it changes if how long you've had
Speaker 1: these uncertain thoughts for so if I mean, everyone goes
Speaker 1: through these ups and downs in a relationship, right, if
Speaker 1: it's just hit you after eight years and you're like,
Speaker 1: we do I think this is the right person?
Speaker 4: Like that's okay, where that's okay?
Speaker 1: And I don't think you need to go and discuss
Speaker 1: that immediately. I think you need to get your own
Speaker 1: collective thoughts together. But if your eight years deep and
Speaker 1: you have always thought I don't know if they're the one,
Speaker 1: and I don't know if this is the right relationship,
Speaker 1: then it is cruel to not have that conversation. Time
Speaker 1: is such an important commodity that you cannot get back,
Speaker 1: especially for women with that fertility window.
Speaker 5: So what is the time frame. Let's say one of
Speaker 5: our friends came to us. We were catching up with
Speaker 5: them today and they came and they said, you know,
Speaker 5: I'm just not sure.
Speaker 3: I'm not sure the.
Speaker 5: Person I'm with is the one or like you know,
Speaker 5: in game, long term, etc. What do we say to
Speaker 5: that person? Do we say how long have you been
Speaker 5: feeling this way? And if that's the question, what is
Speaker 5: the time berrier that you think is reasonable to go
Speaker 5: or you need to leave or is this just a
Speaker 5: lull in your relationship and things will come back and
Speaker 5: you'll realign again.
Speaker 2: I think it is so so hard to give a
Speaker 2: time frame because everyone says, you know, every single person,
Speaker 2: scenario and situation is slightly different. It depends on how
Speaker 2: much your partner wants xyz. So if the person that
Speaker 2: you're in a relationship with you is communicating that they
Speaker 2: want to get married, they want to have kids, they
Speaker 2: have a mental timeline, and your mental timeline is absolutely
Speaker 2: not adding up to theirs, then I think you're on
Speaker 2: different pages, and like there needs to be a conversation
Speaker 2: that is very honest around where you're both at. Sometimes
Speaker 2: it takes months to even get the courage to break
Speaker 2: up with someone. It took me a year to break
Speaker 2: up with one of my exes because I felt like
Speaker 2: it for so long, but I couldn't do the breaking
Speaker 2: up because it was so scary because I didn't want
Speaker 2: to hurt their feelings.
Speaker 4: I think, I mean, how long is a piece of string? Right,
Speaker 4: So there's for me, there's not nanswer.
Speaker 1: But my response to a friend that came to me
Speaker 1: like that was, well, you need to work that out.
Speaker 1: So however you are going to work it out, you
Speaker 1: need to get there so you can go spend some
Speaker 1: time thinking about what you really want, and if that
Speaker 1: person fits in, it also gets easier. I believe the
Speaker 1: older you get, because you don't have the time and
Speaker 1: you've got more experience, you know what you want, you're
Speaker 1: usually a bit more certain. So And I say that
Speaker 1: that's interesting though, because if like we're talking about the
Speaker 1: fact that this is quite related to the age that
Speaker 1: we're at, right, Yes, well, I say that in relation
Speaker 1: because Laura said this person in particular was the male
Speaker 1: females generally speaking, no more what they want, and they're
Speaker 1: aware that there is a time crunch. So I think
Speaker 1: females are more likely to say, Okay, you don't think
Speaker 1: that I am it, and you don't think you want kids,
Speaker 1: and I really want kids.
Speaker 4: Then you know, I've had friends.
Speaker 1: That have literally and I don't necessarily think this is
Speaker 1: the right thing. But I've had friends that have put
Speaker 1: a timeframe on it and said, you've got three months
Speaker 1: or I'm out because I need to get on with
Speaker 1: my life.
Speaker 4: So get your shit together and work it out.
Speaker 1: Is it me, is it marriages at kids or is
Speaker 1: it not? Because I don't want to waste the next
Speaker 1: four years of you figuring it out. Then you decide
Speaker 1: it's not me, and then I'm I've missed my window.
Speaker 2: That's an interesting take for me, though, Britt, because I
Speaker 2: don't think it's age dependent. I think maybe for some people,
Speaker 2: maybe some people have more clarity, they learn the lessons.
Speaker 2: A lot of us don't learn the lessons, and I
Speaker 2: think there's a lot of people who are in their
Speaker 2: fifties and sixties who still make terrible relationship decisions, who
Speaker 2: stay in relationships way longer because they hope that the
Speaker 2: person will change, or they you know, think, well, if
Speaker 2: I stick it out, if I try this or try that,
Speaker 2: maybe the relationship will be different. I don't think that
Speaker 2: age is always a predeterminer for good decision making or
Speaker 2: good boundary setting in a relationship.
Speaker 5: But I just actually imagined if this was my mum,
Speaker 5: to completely change the dynamic. If my mum called me
Speaker 5: today and was like, oh, my partners.
Speaker 3: You know, they've been together for years.
Speaker 5: He's turned around and said that he doesn't think we're
Speaker 5: going to be together forever. I think my response would
Speaker 5: be kind of different. I think I'd be like, okay,
Speaker 5: seems a bit strange. How do you feel about it? Like,
Speaker 5: are you happy with where your life is at now?
Speaker 5: Do you want to continue living together or do you
Speaker 5: want to break up?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 5: I think my answer would be different because they don't
Speaker 5: have the pressures of getting married and having kids by
Speaker 5: a certain time exactly. I think we've just landed maybe
Speaker 5: on the answer. And I think the ethical conundrum is
Speaker 5: actually whether you are robbing the other person of experiences
Speaker 5: or that they want.
Speaker 3: I think that is the factor. You know, Like this.
Speaker 5: Person who has been in a relationship for eight years,
Speaker 5: My next question is now is he robbing his partner
Speaker 5: of the experiences that she wants. By the sounds of it, yes,
Speaker 5: could be the answer. Well, then he needs to do
Speaker 5: something about it. I think it's potentially cruel what he's
Speaker 5: doing to her.
Speaker 3: Well, that's get into vibes and unsubscribed.
Speaker 1: We've already had Brits of the Week and hopefully I
Speaker 1: have another one, but I'll save it. Yes, it's well,
Speaker 1: I should tell you what her full instagram is. Then,
Speaker 1: now that we're that, I'm going down the vibe train.
Speaker 3: We will also link in show notes.
Speaker 1: So her instagram is your girl Sydney spelled like the
Speaker 1: city no s I d n e y.
Speaker 4: And she's a musician, singer, songwriter. She's amazing. So go
Speaker 4: and have a look at an insta and you'll understand
Speaker 4: more about what I mean.
Speaker 3: Okay, what's your vibe? Gish?
Speaker 5: My vibe is something that I already know that you're
Speaker 5: a big fan of Laura.
Speaker 4: That is my clip in fringe.
Speaker 3: Have we not vibe? This is your two pay.
Speaker 4: It's not a two pay.
Speaker 5: You might have seen on Laura's stories if you followed
Speaker 5: her a couple of weeks ago. Laura and I had
Speaker 5: a hilarious car trip home. A fringe is something that
Speaker 5: I'm really toying with, and I let's just cut it.
Speaker 5: That's what the old me would have done, But the
Speaker 5: medicated me was like, let's test the waters first with
Speaker 5: aw I went into the depths of the internet because
Speaker 5: I had previously ordered clip in bangs, too much, to
Speaker 5: too many bang, too much hair, too much bang for
Speaker 5: your buck.
Speaker 4: One might say, yeah, it was bang town.
Speaker 5: Anyway, I eventually found exactly what I was after. It
Speaker 5: is called the Medusa wispy light human hair fringe.
Speaker 4: Stop much clipping in? Oh my god?
Speaker 5: Is that the Meduca meduces the brand? So it turns
Speaker 5: out that they're from Byron Bait. This particular one I
Speaker 5: really like because it's light. I love the flexibility of
Speaker 5: choosing when I'm fringing and when I'm not, because fringes
Speaker 5: are a lot of maintenance.
Speaker 3: Don't you feel like a fraud though, Like it's a
Speaker 3: fringe fraud.
Speaker 4: I feel like I get tensions.
Speaker 5: I feel like I get to like play up to
Speaker 5: who I want to be that day.
Speaker 2: Extensions feel less fraudy because they're permanently there. But when
Speaker 2: you're like I have a fringe, nouata I have a
Speaker 2: fringe nouata.
Speaker 3: It's like such a tease.
Speaker 2: Even people like life As are writing it and they're like, well,
Speaker 2: the fuck he she's got a fringe.
Speaker 3: Now it's gone again.
Speaker 5: One of my best friends messaged me when she saw
Speaker 5: a video that we posted online. I must have been
Speaker 5: wearing my fringe that day.
Speaker 1: And she saw me the day before and she's like,
Speaker 1: did you did you get a haircut.
Speaker 5: Since I saw you last night?
Speaker 4: I'm so confused on what's going on?
Speaker 1: Is that?
Speaker 3: No, baby, it's clip in. What happens if you pick
Speaker 3: up a doo and you're like, hold on, let me
Speaker 3: take your fringe? My fringe out?
Speaker 4: Well, she lives with her partner.
Speaker 2: So I don't think she's picking up a do There's
Speaker 2: people who listen to us who are going to be single, Like, imagine,
Speaker 2: imagine taking out your chicken filets, taking your fringe off.
Speaker 1: I have had hair extensions that I've had to hide
Speaker 1: when I've been having like a hook up. They've fallen
Speaker 1: out in the bed and I'm like, well, so I
Speaker 1: stuck in one of the bed like I am about
Speaker 1: your clipping fringe. I think if you committed to a fringe,
Speaker 1: you'd regret it, not because of the way it looked,
Speaker 1: because of the maintenance and how limited you are. But
Speaker 1: a clip in you can be whoever you want to
Speaker 1: be that day.
Speaker 5: I love it, so I am color number six one three. However,
Speaker 5: I will say I toned and died this fringe to
Speaker 5: make it actually match my house so initially, and I
Speaker 5: had to trim it a little bit.
Speaker 3: So there is a little bit of you've got.
Speaker 5: To make it work for you involved, whether that means
Speaker 5: you take it to a hairdresser or if you're okay
Speaker 5: to do it yourself.
Speaker 3: It's thirty five bucks.
Speaker 5: It's a really good price to pay for ensuring that
Speaker 5: you don't make a decision that you can't take back.
Speaker 2: My vibe this week is for the money conscious Gally
Speaker 2: or Guiley everyone.
Speaker 3: Yea, it's for everyone.
Speaker 2: It is called eat Club. It is an app download it.
Speaker 2: I think it's particularly good in metro areas. But basically
Speaker 2: it's an aggregator of many different restaurants and it shows
Speaker 2: you all the different deals that they have going and
Speaker 2: so some of them have limited number of deals. It
Speaker 2: could be a restaurant that you might like will be like, okay,
Speaker 2: we've got five discount vouchers for thirty percent off if
Speaker 2: you're going to get takeaway before this time. So if
Speaker 2: you are someone who likes to eat out or you
Speaker 2: like to explore new restaurants, but you are money conscious,
Speaker 2: I think that this is such a good app because yeah,
Speaker 2: it's great for people who enjoy discount HI even app.
Speaker 5: All the time. I love that you're vibing this because
Speaker 5: I've been sleeping on it, hiding it so I get.
Speaker 2: The five deals that they've got available. Stop telling people,
Speaker 2: because then they'll be less deals available.
Speaker 5: It's so good they can get up to like forty
Speaker 5: five percent off. It actually gets to the point where
Speaker 5: sometimes I will check the app and talk with my
Speaker 5: boyfriend about whether it's better to just order take away
Speaker 5: than it would be to go down to the grocery
Speaker 5: store and get food. Links for all of our vibes
Speaker 5: will be in the show notes and on our website.
Speaker 5: If you've forgotten life on cutpodcast dot com, dot a
Speaker 5: yun doesn't have.
Speaker 3: A dota y it does.
Speaker 1: Let's get into the questions, Okay, Question number one. I'm
Speaker 1: twenty one and my male partner is twenty three. We
Speaker 1: have been together for three years now, since we have
Speaker 1: been together, he has only gone down on me probably
Speaker 1: three times, for a total of twenty seconds total collections,
Speaker 1: so just under seven seconds per down.
Speaker 2: That's not it can't be a total of twenty seconds.
Speaker 2: That's like not even a kiss. Up it comes now.
Speaker 4: Let me read it verbatim.
Speaker 1: It's like his olf one total for twenty seconds he
Speaker 1: just did. That's like, yeah, he licked it like an
Speaker 1: ice cream, came back up. It's literally just shy of
Speaker 1: seven seconds a session.
Speaker 5: Fuck.
Speaker 2: Imagine someone only going down on you for seven seconds
Speaker 2: then popp me back up.
Speaker 4: She doesn't need to imagine it. It's her life that sucks.
Speaker 1: I have brought this up with him a few times,
Speaker 1: and that's why he doesn't do it. He just replies
Speaker 1: with I don't like it, sorry, which is totally fine.
Speaker 1: But when we do have sex, I never get anything
Speaker 1: out of it, as he never even tries to pleasure me.
Speaker 1: We have tried sex toys, but I think he gets
Speaker 1: awkward about it and then it never happens again. I
Speaker 1: talk to my friends about it, but they all say
Speaker 1: the same thing, the relationship is not right for me,
Speaker 1: and then they proceed to tell me how good they
Speaker 1: have it's superfl so dirty, your friends such a dirty
Speaker 1: Sometimes I wonder what I'm missing out on. Every other
Speaker 1: part of our relationship is amazing, because he is an
Speaker 1: amazing human who I miss so much. My question is
Speaker 1: am I actually missing out? And what the hell do
Speaker 1: I do about this? This seven second wonder?
Speaker 2: Yes you are missing out, but yes it is not everything.
Speaker 2: If your partner is amazing in every other way and
Speaker 2: in every other aspect, then I don't think it is
Speaker 2: a fair assumption to say that he is not the
Speaker 2: right partner for you.
Speaker 3: I think that that is incredibly harsh.
Speaker 4: It's lazy advice from your friends.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it really is. But I also think it's lazy
Speaker 3: from him.
Speaker 2: I think he's getting what he needs out of his
Speaker 2: sexual relationships, and he's you know you guys, but you're
Speaker 2: not satisfied. And and I do think that in time
Speaker 2: that will build a resentment there that needs to be addressed.
Speaker 2: It's okay that he doesn't like going down on you.
Speaker 2: I mean it's annoying and very much so. We preach
Speaker 2: the whole you know, you don't do anything that you
Speaker 2: don't want to do. But if that extends to he
Speaker 2: doesn't want to pleasure you. So it's very easy for
Speaker 2: him to say, oh, I'm just not into going down
Speaker 2: on you. Is he into doing any other of the
Speaker 2: things that around Laura.
Speaker 4: When you're talking, I'm into fingering you like a shotgun?
Speaker 4: I can't look at it. I'm like, stop, stop talking
Speaker 4: about fingering and doing the science.
Speaker 2: Is he in two finger are you said with two
Speaker 2: fingers waving around in the air. But I mean it,
Speaker 2: it's okay for him to get off with one part
Speaker 2: of pleasuring in sex that he doesn't enjoy.
Speaker 3: That's okay. I'm not gonna hold that against him.
Speaker 2: It's annoying because if that's how you get off and
Speaker 2: if that's what you enjoy, then it is unfortunate. But
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna say, oh my god, it's you know,
Speaker 2: it's a travesty that he doesn't want to go down
Speaker 2: on you like fucking riot and burn him at the stake.
Speaker 2: What I am gonna say, though, is that if he
Speaker 2: is not making any other conscious effort, then I actually
Speaker 2: don't think it's the going down on that he doesn't like.
Speaker 3: I think he's just a bit fucking lazy in the bedroom.
Speaker 2: And that is a bigger conversation that needs to be had.
Speaker 2: And I also think, unfortunately it is a tricky conversation
Speaker 2: to have because he may get defensive, he may feel
Speaker 2: as though he's a failure, whatever it is. But I
Speaker 2: think that there is a way that you can approach
Speaker 2: this conversation that is sensitive to him without being a cusatree,
Speaker 2: which explains that you want more, and hopefully it's received
Speaker 2: well by him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't need to dump his ass, absolutely not.
Speaker 1: But there is a big problem here. This is a
Speaker 1: big problem if you are not being satisfied in any
Speaker 1: capacity in your sex life.
Speaker 3: Just lazy.
Speaker 4: Well, it might not be lazy. She said.
Speaker 1: He's awkward. He might be a very awkward person. He
Speaker 1: might have no confidence, he might not know what to do.
Speaker 1: You guys are in your very early twenties. You've been
Speaker 1: together three years, so he, I'm making an assumption, might
Speaker 1: not have had a lot of experience before that. So
Speaker 1: these are conversations that you need to have together because
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm just thinking back about since I was
Speaker 1: eighteen to now. You learn so much by being with
Speaker 1: different people. And I'm not saying you have to be
Speaker 1: but you can have an amazing you could be with
Speaker 1: one person since you were eighteen and have an amazing
Speaker 1: sex life. But that's because you're communicating. You know what works.
Speaker 1: But you also learn a lot from being with different people.
Speaker 1: And now I'm not saying that you need to go
Speaker 1: with other people, but what I am saying is he
Speaker 1: might have had the exposure and the experience and maybe
Speaker 1: you haven't quite communicated enough. But there should be no
Speaker 1: part of your relationship where you are having sex or
Speaker 1: having intimacy and he leaves satisfied and you live with nothing,
Speaker 1: Like in no world should that be okay? He doesn't
Speaker 1: have to go down on you if he doesn't like it,
Speaker 1: that's okay. You can't make someone do something they don't
Speaker 1: want to do.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but also like why, like what is the well.
Speaker 1: He doesn't need a reason. I don't think that if
Speaker 1: you do not like doing something sexually, you don't have
Speaker 1: to do it. But you need to compensate in other ways,
Speaker 1: Like he needs to be understanding that you are not
Speaker 1: orgasmine and getting off and enjoying sex. Maybe if he
Speaker 1: knew that, he'd probably be mortified if he knew that
Speaker 1: you were, You're not coming. I can't imagine a world
Speaker 1: in where any guy is okay with that with their
Speaker 1: long term partner, Like, he's probably going to be shocked,
Speaker 1: but there are so many other things that you can
Speaker 1: do that will work for you or that you can try.
Speaker 1: And unfortunately, if he's an awkward person, he's still going
Speaker 1: to have to try so things like, you've been together
Speaker 1: three years, so you need to be figuring out what works.
Speaker 1: You cannot continue this relationship by having completely unsatisfactory sex.
Speaker 2: But also like you're saying you've tried sex toys, but
Speaker 2: he got awkward about it and then never, like he
Speaker 2: needs to get over the awkwardness. Yeah, and the only
Speaker 2: way that he's going to get over the awkwardness is
Speaker 2: by trying things. You know, it is difficult because when
Speaker 2: you have a conversation about something that feels vulnerable, which
Speaker 2: sex often is a vulnerable conversation to have, you only
Speaker 2: build confidence to have more of those conversations based on
Speaker 2: your partner's reaction. If your partner's reaction is defensiveness, is
Speaker 2: that they're uncomfortable, it makes it harder to broach the
Speaker 2: conversation again, right, Like, it's not an easy thing to
Speaker 2: do if you're not the reception from that conversation is
Speaker 2: not one that's positive well or enthusiastic. And obviously when
Speaker 2: it comes to having sex and having someone pleasure you
Speaker 2: and all the things that go with that, you want
Speaker 2: them to be enthusiastic about it.
Speaker 3: You don't want to.
Speaker 2: Have to be like so just letting you know this
Speaker 2: is where I'm at, and you know you saying that
Speaker 2: you don't want to do this, or you don't want
Speaker 2: to do that, or you're not putting in enough effort
Speaker 2: doesn't really set the flames for igniting like a deep
Speaker 2: passion or desire in your partner.
Speaker 1: The hard thing is, too, is dependent on what type
Speaker 1: of conversations you've had in the past. Does he know
Speaker 1: you don't ever get off or do you fake it
Speaker 1: to get it over with?
Speaker 4: Does he think that sometimes things work you and sometimes
Speaker 4: it doesn't.
Speaker 1: Because if you've never had that convo, it's really delicate
Speaker 1: to have it now and say, hey, just so you
Speaker 1: know it's it's actually never worked for me, Like that
Speaker 1: is a big thing to drop, So you have to
Speaker 1: be really careful about how you bring that up.
Speaker 2: It's funny because I say ask why, and you say
Speaker 2: it doesn't matter why. I actually think it's a conversation
Speaker 2: if someone says I don't like something in the bedroom.
Speaker 2: I do think it's okay to say, oh, why don't
Speaker 2: you like that? Like, what is it about it that
Speaker 2: you don't like? Because he might be like, I don't know,
Speaker 2: I don't like it when you've had your gym shorts
Speaker 2: on all day and you've just been to the gym
Speaker 2: and then we're about to have sex and you want
Speaker 2: me to go down on you.
Speaker 3: Fucking fair oho.
Speaker 2: But you can then say okay, I'm going to go
Speaker 2: and have a shower and then would you try? Like
Speaker 2: I actually think the why is really really important and
Speaker 2: I think it's fair to ask that question.
Speaker 1: I agree, But it's been three years, She's not in
Speaker 1: a gym shorts all day. If he has said in
Speaker 1: three years he's gone down on a twenty seconds, it's
Speaker 1: not his vibe.
Speaker 4: It's just not the guy's vibe.
Speaker 3: I agree.
Speaker 2: But I do still think there could be a conversation
Speaker 2: around why, and it may be more telling than what
Speaker 2: you are assuming. I also know someone who used to
Speaker 2: say that they hated giving head right a girlfriend of
Speaker 2: mine she hated blowjobs. We were in our early twenties.
Speaker 2: She always said she hated giving blowjobs. Then she got
Speaker 2: into a new relationship with someone and was like, oh
Speaker 2: my god, it's actually not that bad a shower. No,
Speaker 2: it wasn't that. It was that her ex boyfriend was
Speaker 2: really fucking rough with it, and like he used to
Speaker 2: ram his penis down her throat, and of course she
Speaker 2: didn't like it, and then that was the only way
Speaker 2: that he would get to climax. And without knowing that
Speaker 2: that's how he was approaching oral sex, it was like, oh,
Speaker 2: that makes sense. And then she had a new sexual
Speaker 2: experience with someone who it wasn't that much effort, they
Speaker 2: really enjoyed it, and they didn't treat oral sex like
Speaker 2: it was a porno. So there is absolutely reasons why
Speaker 2: people don't like things, and it can often be based
Speaker 2: on their past experiences with it totally.
Speaker 1: But what I'm trying to get across is that at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, if he says he doesn't
Speaker 1: like it and you say why, the answer very well
Speaker 1: could be I just don't like it, and that's also okay.
Speaker 1: My point is that doesn't have to be a specific reason.
Speaker 1: There's plenty of sex things that people don't like. So
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to say, is at the end of
Speaker 1: the day when it comes to things around sex. Of course,
Speaker 1: it's important to understand it the end of the day
Speaker 1: when it comes to sex. If someone doesn't like something,
Speaker 1: you can't make them do it. Sex one hundred percent, can, should,
Speaker 1: and will be worked on your entire relationship because it's
Speaker 1: not always going to be the same from start to finish.
Speaker 1: It's going to change when you have kids, it's going
Speaker 1: to change when you've been together for twenty years. It's
Speaker 1: always something that you have to work towards and communicate on.
Speaker 1: And you were in your early twenties, in your early
Speaker 1: days of a relationships. So the communication has to start
Speaker 1: now because that conversation in ten years of I've never
Speaker 1: come since I've met you is going to be a
Speaker 1: lot harder to have when you're a decade Dean.
Speaker 3: All right, next question.
Speaker 2: I've been dating my boyfriend for about seven to eight months.
Speaker 2: He asked me to help him with some work medical claims.
Speaker 2: He sent over a pack of documents for me to
Speaker 2: read to help him write a letter. Now reading the documents,
Speaker 2: it said that he has herpes. Now, what I'm getting
Speaker 2: from this is that obviously he'd had some medical tests
Speaker 2: done that he needed to like obviously have like a
Speaker 2: health check, didn't see all the results, and he didn't
Speaker 2: realize that this was in the bylines for context. When
Speaker 2: we first started dating, I made sure that we both
Speaker 2: had had sexual health checks. He was pushing to have
Speaker 2: sex without a condom at the time, something that I
Speaker 2: had never done before and didn't feel comfortable doing without
Speaker 2: an STI check prior. The test came back with no
Speaker 2: issues flagged, so we started having unprotected sex. Seven months
Speaker 2: later I read this document. He says initially to me
Speaker 2: that oh, he just forgot to tell me, then ended
Speaker 2: up telling me that he intentionally lied to me because
Speaker 2: he thought I would break up with him if I knew.
Speaker 2: Additional context to this is that his previous ex girlfriend
Speaker 2: gave him the herpes and also didn't tell him until
Speaker 2: two months into their dating.
Speaker 3: I don't know what to do. I thought that this
Speaker 3: guy was my penguin. Help.
Speaker 4: It's pretty big betrayal.
Speaker 3: It's a really complex one this because.
Speaker 1: Is it he lied to a face for It's a
Speaker 1: big thing like an STI can really damage, especially if
Speaker 1: you don't know, can damage a woman. That is a
Speaker 1: conscious choice to lie to your partner about something that
Speaker 1: could seriously affect her long term for me? Complex what
Speaker 1: because he can't deal with the fact that he has
Speaker 1: an STI complex for him? Ye, it's complex purely because
Speaker 1: they're at a point where she, I'm assuming loves him
Speaker 1: and she's been with him long term, so it makes
Speaker 1: it harder. But that's a pretty big betrayal, and I
Speaker 1: would be wondering if I would want to spend my
Speaker 1: life with somebody that could make a decision that, as
Speaker 1: a result, affects me long term.
Speaker 2: I say that it's complex because, firstly, if you are
Speaker 2: someone who has been recently diagnosed with herpes, please go
Speaker 2: and listen to the episode we did. It was quite
Speaker 2: a while ago now, but we had a really amazing
Speaker 2: episode speaking all around STIs. Well link it in the
Speaker 2: Well link it in the show notes all around destigmatizing STIs.
Speaker 2: Also someone who we had on the podcast, Ellie from
Speaker 2: Comfortable in My Skin, has really amazing resources around destigmatizing
Speaker 2: herpes and other STIs. I think that there is a
Speaker 2: lot of scare mongering around things like herpes. There's a
Speaker 2: lot of scare mongering around genital warts and everything else.
Speaker 2: There is this incredible fear around getting it, like it's
Speaker 2: going to be the worst thing that happens in the world.
Speaker 2: And so I understand why he was fearful to tell you.
Speaker 2: I do empathize with that to some degree. I do
Speaker 2: not empathize with him trying to con you into having
Speaker 2: unprotected sex with him when he knew that this was
Speaker 2: something that he deals with without the honesty. That, to
Speaker 2: me is where the deceit comes in. That, to me
Speaker 2: is where I'm like, he went another layer beyond. Also,
Speaker 2: when you say he got tested and your STI checks
Speaker 2: or came back fine, my question here is is did
Speaker 2: he show you those checks? Did he actually show you
Speaker 2: the documentation or did he tell you that it came
Speaker 2: back fine, because that could be another layer of lying
Speaker 2: and deception. I also know that when it comes to herpes,
Speaker 2: if you don't have any active outbreaks, I think it
Speaker 2: can be a tricky one as to how it shows
Speaker 2: up on medical reporting because so many people carry the
Speaker 2: Herpes simplex virus. But he's told you that he intentionally
Speaker 2: lied to you because he thought that you were going
Speaker 2: to break up with him, even though now you're seven
Speaker 2: months deep in this relationship, and even though you love him,
Speaker 2: and just because he has herpes doesn't mean that you're
Speaker 2: ever going to catch it. You can have a healthy
Speaker 2: and fulfilling relationship with someone and never ever ever get
Speaker 2: that or never ever catch it from them. But the
Speaker 2: thing for me, I would struggle with, and what I
Speaker 2: think you're struggling with, is the fact that it's changed
Speaker 2: your perception as to who he is a bit simply
Speaker 2: because of the lying, not because of the herpes. And
Speaker 2: he didn't give you the opportunity to make an informed
Speaker 2: choice or decision for your own body. He made that
Speaker 2: decision for you and lied to you.
Speaker 4: It gives me the ick. I'm so off it. I
Speaker 4: think it's disgusting.
Speaker 1: I think it's disgusting behavior, especially the fact that he said, yeah,
Speaker 1: I actually knew and made the decision consciously to not
Speaker 1: tell you because I was too worried about what would
Speaker 1: happen to me, which is you breaking up with me.
Speaker 1: It sucks that you have it, And again, we have
Speaker 1: done the episodes on it, and I can't I can't
Speaker 1: imagine the feelings of what that's like to have those conversations.
Speaker 1: I understand that, unfortunately, a responsibility does come with that
Speaker 1: when you have it, and that is to make people
Speaker 1: aware the fact that the whole reason that he got
Speaker 1: herpes in the first place was because somebody misled him.
Speaker 1: His ex didn't tell him that's why he's got it,
Speaker 1: and now he knows what that's like, yet he's still
Speaker 1: putting that onto you.
Speaker 5: I've just had a look at the laws and their
Speaker 5: different base on state. So this one is New South
Speaker 5: Wales because that's where I'm googling from. Since twenty seventeen,
Speaker 5: people are no longer.
Speaker 4: Required to disclose their.
Speaker 5: Infection to perspective partners. However, people who are aware that
Speaker 5: they have an SDI must take reasonable precautions to prevent
Speaker 5: spread of the STI, and a penalty of up to
Speaker 5: eleven thousand dollars and or six months jail applies if
Speaker 5: reasonable precautions are not used.
Speaker 2: So I think in this there's two ways, because I
Speaker 2: do think it is unreasonable for somebody who has herpy
Speaker 2: simplex virus that is completely under control to have that
Speaker 2: conversation with every single one nightstand that they're ever going
Speaker 2: to have.
Speaker 3: I don't think, and that's why that law has been changed.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we're a condom.
Speaker 2: It's yes, It's absolutely unreasonable to think that every single
Speaker 2: intimate partner that that guy ever comes in contact with.
Speaker 2: He's going to say, hey, I know we just met,
Speaker 2: but also, you know, three years ago I had an
Speaker 2: outbreak my ex girlfriend and then I you know, I
Speaker 2: haven't had an outbreak since.
Speaker 3: Like, that's just that's not going to happen.
Speaker 2: But if you are going to get into a long
Speaker 2: term relationship with someone and you are trying to get
Speaker 2: them to unprotected sex, and a caveat of that is
Speaker 2: that you go and have an STI check. That's where
Speaker 2: I draw issue with it. And I probably feel less
Speaker 2: fearful around this than a lot of people do. And
Speaker 2: I'll say I mean, I'll tell you the story. My ex,
Speaker 2: a guy that I was seeing for quite a long time.
Speaker 2: He had herpes. I have never caught it, so he
Speaker 2: was on an antiviral. He was super honest with me.
Speaker 2: I met him when we were traveling, and I absolutely
Speaker 2: adored him. He is a great, great guy, and he
Speaker 2: was so honest. He was like, look, I know that
Speaker 2: this is something that might make you not want to
Speaker 2: date me. He's like, but I really like you and
Speaker 2: I really want this to be something, even if it
Speaker 2: is just that we end up being great friends. This
Speaker 2: is me, I've never had an outbreak since I'm on antivirals.
Speaker 2: I think it is well managed. He's like, but it's
Speaker 2: always going to be a risk anyway, I took the risk.
Speaker 2: We dated for maybe three months. Never ever, ever, did
Speaker 2: I have an issue with it. So I know it
Speaker 2: is possible to have a sexual relationship with someone who
Speaker 2: is managing a herpes virus.
Speaker 4: It is like loads of people doing that. It's not
Speaker 4: about that. And the keeping that you said, Laura was
Speaker 4: he was honest.
Speaker 2: Aboutely and if he had not told me that, and
Speaker 2: then at the end of our relationship, like you know,
Speaker 2: three months in, had turned around and been like, haha,
Speaker 2: I fucking manipulated into being with me, having an emotional
Speaker 2: relationship a connection with me, and now I'm telling you
Speaker 2: this information, I would feel really differently about him, but
Speaker 2: I hold so much respect for him and how he
Speaker 2: managed that, and it didn't change my feelings for him
Speaker 2: at all.
Speaker 5: I think it's interesting when you like, we've been addressing
Speaker 5: this as an ethical question, but the person who's written
Speaker 5: this in like, you also need to know, depending on
Speaker 5: what state you're in, it's possible that your partner has
Speaker 5: actually broken the law. Because he had, he may not
Speaker 5: have taken reasonable precautions. And I just I'm only saying
Speaker 5: that to validate the fact that this is like, this
Speaker 5: is a big betrayal, to the point that it's actually
Speaker 5: written into law. So don't feel as though you're like,
Speaker 5: oh my gosh, Amy making a big deal about this situation.
Speaker 3: No, like it is a big deal, and.
Speaker 1: It's also possible, and just throwing this out there, it's
Speaker 1: also possible he's cheated on you too, and that this
Speaker 1: is him saying, oh no, no, I did have it
Speaker 1: before then I just didn't tell you, Like we don't know.
Speaker 1: But the core of this question is the misleading, deliberately misleading.
Speaker 1: And I would hate for anyone to listen to this
Speaker 1: and think that we have any problem with herpes.
Speaker 4: We do not.
Speaker 1: And like we said, we have done so many episodes
Speaker 1: on it. You can have wonderful relationships with STIs. They're
Speaker 1: so well managed. My upset over this is purely around
Speaker 1: the deception. That is it, the intentional deception.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think that that is, if anything, the
Speaker 2: very important take home, because there is enough hysteria that
Speaker 2: exists around STIs, there is enough fear mongering, and so
Speaker 2: much shame, Like it's unbelievable the amount of shame that
Speaker 2: people feel when they do catch an STI and it's
Speaker 2: like you've not done anything wrong except just got a
Speaker 2: bit unlucky. Yeah, no one feels shame when they catch
Speaker 2: the flu. No one feels shame when they catch anything else.
Speaker 2: So why is it that you feel so shameful for this?
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean you're dirty, it doesn't mean that you're promiscuous,
Speaker 2: it doesn't mean anything. And so I guess for me,
Speaker 2: I don't want to catastrophize the situation and feed into
Speaker 2: the narrative that it's something that he should have felt
Speaker 2: super shameful of. But I do think that he should
Speaker 2: feel something about the fact that he was trying to
Speaker 2: manipulate you into having sex without protection when you very
Speaker 2: clearly communicated that that's something that's important to you. That's
Speaker 2: the determining factor here for me. And ultimately, I'm not
Speaker 2: saying that you should break up with him. I'm not saying,
Speaker 2: you know, you've been together for eight months now. I'm
Speaker 2: sure there's other great qualities about this person. But if
Speaker 2: it does change the way you feel about him in
Speaker 2: some way, if it gives you the ick because of
Speaker 2: his lying. If it makes you feel as though he's
Speaker 2: not truthful.
Speaker 3: Then that's a whole different thing.
Speaker 2: You can't help the way that you feel about that,
Speaker 2: all right, Next question, Should I enter a short term
Speaker 2: friends with benefits situation with a colleague that's leaving at
Speaker 2: the end of the year. Even though I'm inexperienced and
Speaker 2: not sure how I'm going to emotionally handle it, I
Speaker 2: think it could be a great idea for my overall
Speaker 2: satisfaction and self confidence. But I don't want to get
Speaker 2: reject did or catch feelings and then get really sad
Speaker 2: when I am rejected and he moves away.
Speaker 3: Is it worth the risk for good sex?
Speaker 2: Firstly, you have no fucking idea whether the sex is
Speaker 2: going to be good unless you've had sex with him already.
Speaker 3: Could be terrible, could be a terrible.
Speaker 4: It could be terrible. It could be amazing amazing, could
Speaker 4: be the best sex you've ever had.
Speaker 1: You could be more satisfied than you are when you
Speaker 1: have a mcflurry with everything in caramel sauce. It could
Speaker 1: blow your mind. But two things here. One probably shouldn't
Speaker 1: shit where you eat. I will eat where you shit,
Speaker 1: whichever way you want to do that totally shit. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know that he's leaving and that's great, but you
Speaker 1: still have six or seven months that you're going to
Speaker 1: be working together every single day. It's probably more likely
Speaker 1: not going to work out than it would work out
Speaker 1: knowing that, so you've got to think about that. You
Speaker 1: are going to go with each other every day, you're
Speaker 1: going to be in the same environment. And the other
Speaker 1: thing is more times than not, and I hate saying
Speaker 1: this because it's not a blanket statement, but more times
Speaker 1: are not women.
Speaker 4: It's also a chemical thing. It's science.
Speaker 1: We do catch feelings like we do have an endorphin release.
Speaker 1: We do start to feel safe and connected when we're
Speaker 1: intimate with someone. On top of this, you're seeing him
Speaker 1: not only intimately, but you'd be seeing.
Speaker 4: Him at work in the day as well.
Speaker 1: So a lot of your day is going to be
Speaker 1: spent thinking about this person, seeing them and connecting with them.
Speaker 1: It's highly likely you're going to catch feelings, and you've
Speaker 1: been the first person to say I don't know if
Speaker 1: I'll catch them, probably going to catch them. Then you're
Speaker 1: going to be either heartbroken and disappointed when he leaves,
Speaker 1: or it's going to end worse earlier than that.
Speaker 3: I agree with you.
Speaker 2: The only thing is is, obviously this question has been
Speaker 2: written in because there's already something going on. You don't
Speaker 2: just don't don't just go Should I have friends with
Speaker 2: benefits of a relationship with this person that's never shown
Speaker 2: me any interest like you?
Speaker 3: Obviously, No, I don't.
Speaker 4: Reckon they're hooking up yet, but I think that they're flirting. Yeah,
Speaker 4: she knows she could.
Speaker 2: There's definitely something going on here. I guess my big
Speaker 2: thing with any friends with if you know absolutely that
Speaker 2: he is not going to return that feeling, and you
Speaker 2: know there's an end date to this, it has a
Speaker 2: expiration date, you got to get really honest with yourself
Speaker 2: because if you know that, you're not sure how you're
Speaker 2: gonna emotionally handle it. I'm not saying don't do it,
Speaker 2: Like it could be really fucking fun and like especially
Speaker 2: if you're if you're in your twenties, these are the
Speaker 2: years to do some shit that really stretches your emotional capacity.
Speaker 2: But I would say, really put boundaries on what you
Speaker 2: are and aren't okay with around for yourself. You know,
Speaker 2: I don't mean sit down with him and put boundaries
Speaker 2: in place for him. I mean, this is where it's at.
Speaker 2: You mean, if you do have sex with him, don't
Speaker 2: stick around for like the day of hanging out afterwards, Like,
Speaker 2: don't go out for lunch and do the cutesy shit
Speaker 2: thing that would entail feeling like you're in a relationship
Speaker 2: with them, because he might want to do that stuff
Speaker 2: with you. Knowing full well that he's going away in
Speaker 2: six months time. Be really conscious that this is just sex,
Speaker 2: because you could very easily get carried away in this situation.
Speaker 3: What I would do, because you would you, I know
Speaker 3: what you would do. You would fuck him.
Speaker 1: You would have a six month relationship with him, and
Speaker 1: then you would continue dating him when he moved overseas.
Speaker 3: That's what you would do, Brian.
Speaker 4: Highly likely. Yes, if I was you right now, this
Speaker 4: is what i'd do. I'd bang him.
Speaker 1: I'd hook up with him, go out, see how it is.
Speaker 1: Begging once, don't make it friends with benefits, banging once.
Speaker 4: Then the next day test.
Speaker 1: The water, be like, well, last night was pretty crazy, right,
Speaker 1: better not do that again.
Speaker 4: Hey, And then Sue said, if he's keen to keep going, he's.
Speaker 1: Going to let you know. If not, you've got it.
Speaker 1: Out of your system. Like he's a man, He's going
Speaker 1: to let you know if he wants to keep banging
Speaker 1: one hundred percent. You're not going to be left with
Speaker 1: any sort of confusion, or you might decide it's not
Speaker 1: for you as well. But if you don't, I think
Speaker 1: I'm a big like living the moment.
Speaker 4: I really am. And I don't want to encourage this
Speaker 4: too much, but I want to.
Speaker 3: Encourage it just a little bit.
Speaker 4: You're going to probably lose sleep about it.
Speaker 1: If you're thinking about hooking up with this guy so
Speaker 1: much that you're writing into us, then go and do it,
Speaker 1: but just enter it with cautious purity.
Speaker 2: Is he's the forbidden fruit, right, He's that person, And
Speaker 2: you're like, oh, you're probably probably not particularly getting a
Speaker 2: lot of work done anyway because you're probably thinking about
Speaker 2: him regardless, or you have this flirty chemistry happening at work.
Speaker 3: Great, it's amazing.
Speaker 2: I just look, you know what as well, I'm going
Speaker 2: to say have some self preservation here. I'm going to
Speaker 2: say just go into it using your head, but also
Speaker 2: and your cervix. And yeah, definitely grip down hard with
Speaker 2: your cervix. But the other thing is and I'm gonna
Speaker 2: guess from this that you're younger because you've said, you know,
Speaker 2: you don't know how you're going to emotionally handle it
Speaker 2: because you've never been in this situation before.
Speaker 3: That's an assumption. Maybe you aren't.
Speaker 2: You just have never had a friends with benefits relationship yet.
Speaker 2: But I think that there are things that we kind
Speaker 2: of need to try in life and see how we're
Speaker 2: going to go. And I don't think that you can
Speaker 2: live your life avoidant on any type of situation, whether
Speaker 2: it be sexual, whether it be friends with benefits, for
Speaker 2: fear of getting committed or having some sort of, you know,
Speaker 2: emotional reaction that you aren't able to control. It's great
Speaker 2: that you're conscious of that, but don't limit your ability
Speaker 2: to have experiences or relationships in life because you're afraid
Speaker 2: of the feelings that you might have. But I think
Speaker 2: coming back to the big, big one, and that is
Speaker 2: that this is obviously within a workplace for you. Rather
Speaker 2: than focusing on whether you can emotionally handle it, I
Speaker 2: think you should really focus on how will or could
Speaker 2: this impact your work?
Speaker 3: And is that something that you're okay with?
Speaker 2: Is this like you work in a bar and you
Speaker 2: know it's kind of fine, and everyone hooks up with
Speaker 2: people that they work with. Are you a lawyer and
Speaker 2: do you work in an office space where a inter
Speaker 2: you know, workplace relationship could really fuck your ability to
Speaker 2: be taken seriously. I think that that is what I
Speaker 2: would be focusing more on, rather than can you emotionally
Speaker 2: handle the fact that he's going away in six months.
Speaker 1: Only other thing I want to add is that you
Speaker 1: said you are scared of getting rejected.
Speaker 4: I wish we could.
Speaker 3: Reject him first.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, get the first, lure him in, and then
Speaker 1: shut him down.
Speaker 3: Make him know that this is not going away.
Speaker 4: Why are you in my bedroom?
Speaker 3: I still here?
Speaker 4: Why are you in me?
Speaker 3: No, don't say that, get in out go No.
Speaker 1: What I want to say is I'd love to try
Speaker 1: and take the fear away, especially in dating, but as
Speaker 1: a whole, the fear away of rejection. As humans, it's
Speaker 1: so ingrained in us that rejection is negative.
Speaker 4: And I guess that's because it's obviously rejection made. You've
Speaker 4: gone for something and you haven't got what you wanted
Speaker 4: at the end of the day. But rejection doesn't have
Speaker 4: to be that bad. Like if you think there are
Speaker 4: a billion people in the world. There's way more than that.
Speaker 1: But if there's a billion people in the world, not
Speaker 1: every single person that you have an interest in, or
Speaker 1: every job that you go for is going to be
Speaker 1: for you and going to be right for you, and
Speaker 1: you don't have to take that so personally, I think
Speaker 1: if you just take it more top line like shot,
Speaker 1: my shot didn't work out, move on, So don't be
Speaker 1: scared of it's for me. It's so much better to
Speaker 1: go after something that you want and get a know
Speaker 1: than it is to never go after what you want
Speaker 1: because it's still a no, but you'll never know.
Speaker 4: Say no again another time.
Speaker 3: I don't know?
Speaker 4: Do you you don't know? Do you know?
Speaker 1: That? Is it from us?
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