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Speaker 1: She's on the Money. She's on the Money.

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Speaker 2: Hello, and welcome to She's on the Money, the podcast

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Speaker 2: the Millennials who Want Financial Freedom. Today's episode of the

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Speaker 2: show is brought to you by our friends at eighty

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Speaker 2: six four hundred.

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Speaker 1: I'm Jorja King.

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Speaker 2: I'm a copywriter and TV assistant who desperately wants to

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Speaker 2: get better at all things money. To do that, every week,

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Speaker 2: I sit down with my friend and money expert, Victoria

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Speaker 2: Devine heye Hi.

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Speaker 1: Now today on the show, we are going to be taking.

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Speaker 2: A little bit more of a serious approach as we're

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Speaker 2: covering a topic that we've found very confronting to tackle

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Speaker 2: that we felt was incredibly important we discussed as a community.

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Speaker 2: Before we do go deep, Victoria, it's time to stick

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Speaker 2: with tradition and chat money, wins and confessions.

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Speaker 1: What did you get up to this week?

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Speaker 3: I'm so glad I get to go fast.

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Speaker 1: Yes, it's fast fast.

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Speaker 4: I am so glad I get to go first because

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Speaker 4: I have a confession for you for the first time.

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Speaker 1: This season, Dull.

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Speaker 4: I don't think anyone will be surprised to hear this,

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Speaker 4: but I have once again not been very good with

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Speaker 4: my Uber eats account. And gone a little bit wild

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Speaker 4: on it. Over the last week or so, we've been

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Speaker 4: in the middle of just changing a lot of things

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Speaker 4: in the office and it has been the easy go

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Speaker 4: to both during work and when I get his life set.

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Speaker 3: Yeah it look it's been really helpful.

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Speaker 4: But on the weekend I decided that was just enough

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Speaker 4: was enough, and so I made a really big batch

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Speaker 4: of pumpkin soup, which is really really cheap and really good.

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Speaker 4: I was excited because I use this specific type of

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Speaker 4: coconut cream that's quite expensive in my pumpkin soup, and

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Speaker 4: it was on discount when I got to the supermarket.

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Speaker 1: That stuff is expensive.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, yes it is.

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Speaker 4: It's like four dollars a tub for the one that

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Speaker 4: I like, and I just find that ridiculous. But anyway,

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Speaker 4: enough about my pumpkin soup. It was really cheap and

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Speaker 4: I have been eating it all week and I love it.

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Speaker 3: Do you win all money confession for me?

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Speaker 2: I have a win this week food related as well.

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Speaker 4: Well.

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Speaker 1: I was shopping at Carlors.

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Speaker 2: I saw someone actually posted this in the group as well,

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Speaker 2: serena tuna was half priced. That stuff is excact is

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Speaker 2: the expensive tea?

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Speaker 4: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: It was half price, so I stopped part of about

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Speaker 2: ten of them.

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Speaker 3: I love it.

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Speaker 1: I looked a little bit weird at the cash register.

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Speaker 4: But no, no, I've done that before. But I grab

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Speaker 4: the box, yes, and I'm just like, I'm not carrying

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Speaker 4: this seriously, I'm not going to carry individual cans. I'm

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Speaker 4: just going to take this box and half fill it,

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Speaker 4: and then I look like some crazy cat lady, which

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Speaker 4: I am.

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Speaker 3: But also that tune is not for my cat. It's

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Speaker 3: actually for.

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Speaker 1: Me, Serena.

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Speaker 2: If you're interested in sending us some free tuna, would

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Speaker 2: be into that.

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Speaker 1: That's just g okay.

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Speaker 2: And now moving along to the Facebook group, I have

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Speaker 2: seen so many women lifting each other up, providing support

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Speaker 2: and sharing their knowledge and resources I hadn't even heard of.

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Speaker 2: So as always, Victoria, do you have a favorite this week?

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Speaker 4: I do, And this week is a little bit of

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Speaker 4: a different topic this week, so I'm actually not going

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Speaker 4: to name names this week. For those of you in

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Speaker 4: our Facebook group, you might already know which post I'm

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Speaker 4: referring to, but for those of you who haven't seen

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Speaker 4: it recently, we had someone post in the group that

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Speaker 4: they had just left it domestically and financially abusive relationship

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Speaker 4: and they were looking for support from our community, which

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Speaker 4: I thought was so beautiful. This post, while it was

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Speaker 4: really awful because of the situation, was really special and

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Speaker 4: I feel so so proud that we've created a space

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Speaker 4: where we share content like this and people feel comfortable

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Speaker 4: to do so.

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Speaker 3: But more to the point.

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Speaker 4: This post received an absolutely overwhelming response from our community.

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Speaker 4: Like there were more than one hundred comments on this

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Speaker 4: post from people sharing their tips and similar stories to

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Speaker 4: women literally in every single state, offering a safe space

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Speaker 4: to go if our poster needed it. So ams, you

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Speaker 4: guys literally blow me away with your empathy and kindness.

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Speaker 4: So this week, I just want to say thank you

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Speaker 4: to the group for being supportive and being.

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Speaker 3: The group that you are.

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Speaker 4: This community is what it is because of the sum

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Speaker 4: of its parts, and all of you guys are a

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Speaker 4: part of that.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely.

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Speaker 2: On the note v of supporting one another and sharing

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Speaker 2: our wisdom, I'd love to share a longish post from Harriet,

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Speaker 2: who has been so wonderful in putting together a post

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Speaker 2: of resources for those who have been impacted by domestic violence.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much to Harriet. We've actually taken inspiration

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Speaker 2: from this and created a blog post full of resources

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Speaker 2: for those impacted by financial and domestic abuse. You can

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Speaker 2: find it at the Shoes on the Money website and

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Speaker 2: we will also post it in the Facebook group today

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Speaker 2: as well as at our show notes and now onto

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Speaker 2: today's topic. Over the past few months, Victoria has met

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Speaker 2: with a number of experts in this area to help

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Speaker 2: out with the preparation for this episode, because it is

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Speaker 2: deeply important to us that we not only cover all

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Speaker 2: the necessary factors, but it also gives this topic the

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Speaker 2: respect it deserves. You may have heard of domestic and

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Speaker 2: emotional abuse before, but there's another type of abuse that

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Speaker 2: is infiltrating the relationships of so many and it is

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Speaker 2: often a little more hidden. Unlike physical abuse, financial abuse

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Speaker 2: can be harder to identify. So this week we are

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Speaker 2: going to tackle this confronting but frankly, very necessary topic.

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Speaker 4: We reached out to the community over the last month

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Speaker 4: and had an absolutely overwhelming response from incredibly brave women

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Speaker 4: who have come forward to share their stories with us.

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Speaker 4: Whilst Georgia and I have never been in financially abusive relationships,

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Speaker 4: we wanted to make sure that we were bringing you

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Speaker 4: more than.

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Speaker 3: Just backs and statistics on this deep topic.

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Speaker 4: So this episode has been put together from the personal

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Speaker 4: experiences of so many women in our community, with the

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Speaker 4: guidance of family lawyers, domestic violence experts, and government bodies

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Speaker 4: who sadly have foundless knowledge on this topic. Before we

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Speaker 4: jump in, though, I just wanted to let you all

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Speaker 4: know that financial abuse doesn't discriminate.

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Speaker 3: It can happen to anyone.

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Speaker 4: So if this is something you're struggling with, the show

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Speaker 4: Notes will have a number of really great resources for you.

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Speaker 3: To use if you need them.

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Speaker 4: And if you still feel like you need a friend,

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Speaker 4: please feel free to reach out to me and I

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Speaker 4: can help point you in the right direction if you

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Speaker 4: need it.

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Speaker 2: Domestic violence is currently at crisis levels in Australia. We

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Speaker 2: see it in the news sadly all too often, and

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Speaker 2: it's actually estimated that one woman dies every week and

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Speaker 2: one man dies every month because of domestic violence in Australia.

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Speaker 2: According to Core Data, in Australia, three in five women

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Speaker 2: in relationships are leaving themselves open to financial abuse.

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Speaker 1: Financial abuse is really the silent player in.

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Speaker 2: The game of domestic violence and it's a cruel and

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Speaker 2: dangerous trap for victims. It's often not having the necessary

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Speaker 2: money to fund an escape from an abusive relationship that

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Speaker 2: keeps them stuck in a place they just don't want

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Speaker 2: to be in. However, financial abuse does take many forms

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Speaker 2: and doesn't just have to be linked to a domestically

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Speaker 2: violent situation.

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Speaker 1: Victoria, we were talking.

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Speaker 2: Earlier, and you were saying that it can be anything

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Speaker 2: from a partner who tracks every cent you spend and

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Speaker 2: doesn't allow you access to any of your banking to

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Speaker 2: a boss who withholds your pay.

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Speaker 1: Before we do start.

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Speaker 2: Discussing what the red flags we need to be looking

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Speaker 2: out for are, what do we actually define financial abuse as?

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Speaker 4: That is a really good question, and we were going

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Speaker 4: through it, and I think a lot of people don't

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Speaker 4: see financial abuse is something that can happen outside of

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Speaker 4: a romantic relationship. Financial abuse can actually take so many

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Speaker 4: different forms, but essentially it is a situation where the

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Speaker 4: actions or behaviors of someone else whom you trust make

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Speaker 4: you feel like you're not in control of important financial

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Speaker 4: decisions that directly impact you. This, unfortunately, is typically suffered

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Speaker 4: from by women, particularly women in married partnerships, which is

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Speaker 4: obviously where we get this idea that it only happens

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Speaker 4: in marriages.

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Speaker 3: It can be found.

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Speaker 4: Across all age groups and all class structures. Figures show

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Speaker 4: us that ninety eight percent of women who report domestic

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Speaker 4: violence to police actually also suffer from financial abuse. This

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Speaker 4: abuse can take form in many many different ways. For some,

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Speaker 4: it means actively being prevented from going to work and

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Speaker 4: earning money. For others, it means being provided with limited

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Speaker 4: amounts of money or not being allowed to have access

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Speaker 4: to their own bank accounts, and for many it is

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Speaker 4: a slow grinding down of the independence and confidence to

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Speaker 4: the point that they barely know how to look after themselves.

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Speaker 4: Financial abuse can be something that's very difficult to recognize

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Speaker 4: or even and admit that you're going through when it's

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Speaker 4: happening to you, especially if it's from someone that you

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Speaker 4: trust or love. We know that people are at the

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Speaker 4: highest risk when they actually leave an abusive relationship of

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Speaker 4: being financially vulnerable, so it's important to have some form

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Speaker 4: of plan so that you can exit the situation safely.

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Speaker 4: This applies to so many different people. We are not

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Speaker 4: sitting here talking about people who are already in domestically

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Speaker 4: or financially abusive relationships. Gee, we are here having a

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Speaker 4: chat today about how we can prevent ourselves from ever

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Speaker 4: being exposed to that opportunity. A couple of weeks ago,

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Speaker 4: I sat down with family lawyer Zoe Rosman, who has

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Speaker 4: seen it all too many times. She says that it's

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Speaker 4: absolutely essential to have a financial escape plan in place

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Speaker 4: or a personal emergency fund. But we're going to get

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Speaker 4: to that very shortly. Yeah, lots of stuff to get

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Speaker 4: through now.

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Speaker 2: We were talking before about how to actually structure this podcast,

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Speaker 2: and we agreed that it would be the most effective

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Speaker 2: to go through some of the behaviors that could help

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Speaker 2: us identify if we are in this situation, because, as

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Speaker 2: you said earlier, Victoria, it can be really hard to

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Speaker 2: identify and figure out if you are in this situation. So, Victoria,

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Speaker 2: what would you say are some of the key indicators

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Speaker 2: that a relationship is financially abusive?

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Speaker 4: So I don't want to go on about this, but

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Speaker 4: the first thing is it doesn't have to be your partner.

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Speaker 4: It can be a parent, it could be a friend,

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Speaker 4: it could be your employer. It's anyone who takes your

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Speaker 4: ability away to make financial decisions independently or restricts your

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Speaker 4: access to money that you are either owed or you own.

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Speaker 4: This takes so many different forms and shapes, and financial

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Speaker 4: abuse doesn't necessarily mean restricting access to your money. It

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Speaker 4: could be someone who goes in and looks at your

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Speaker 4: bank account each and every single day and questions each

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Speaker 4: and every single transaction you make, or makes you feel

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Speaker 4: really guilty about spending money on necessary items.

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Speaker 3: So another way that this could happen is.

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Speaker 4: When you are stopped from earning money or you are

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Speaker 4: forced to stop work. This can have a significant impact

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Speaker 4: on your ability laid it down the track to actually

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Speaker 4: get employment again and get yourself into a financially stable position.

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Speaker 4: So we're not talking about people who you know, a

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Speaker 4: stay home mum's by choice. We're talking about people whose

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Speaker 4: partners are saying no, actually, I don't want you to

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Speaker 4: have a job, which sadly is more common than we

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Speaker 4: actually think it is. Furthering on from this, three in

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Speaker 4: five women are vulnerable because they don't have assets or

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Speaker 4: savings of their own. Maybe they've left the workforce to

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Speaker 4: have children, or maybe they've returned to the workforce part time.

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Speaker 4: Maybe everything is actually in their partner's name because their

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Speaker 4: partner is the breadwinner and quote takes control of their finances.

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Speaker 4: But it's not just that, it's everything in between that too.

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Speaker 3: This lack of.

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Speaker 4: Financial independence so often comes alongside and can even enable

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Speaker 4: domestic violence. If you're in a relationship with someone who

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Speaker 4: wants to control you that way, more often than not

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Speaker 4: they want to physically control you as well, and that

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Speaker 4: comes out in multiple different types of abuse. And one

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Speaker 4: of the saddest parts of these abusive relationships is often

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Speaker 4: it's the finance that keeps you tied in that situation.

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Speaker 4: Staying in an abusive relationship is all the more likely

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Speaker 4: when you can't actually afford to leave. You've got nowhere

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Speaker 4: to go, You've got nowhere to go, you don't have

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Speaker 4: an option, and often there is a lot of shame

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Speaker 4: and guilt surrounding this situation. So people in these situations

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Speaker 4: do not feel comfortable to reach out to friends or

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Speaker 4: family and explain the situation in depth so that they

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Speaker 4: can move forward. So, Gee, when I was talking to

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Speaker 4: Zoe a couple of weeks ago, she actually said something

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Speaker 4: that really resonated with me and made a lot of sense.

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Speaker 4: And that is when you are in a domestically and

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Speaker 4: financially abusive relationship, that perpetrator often isolates you from other

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Speaker 4: friends and family, so that once you need to reach out,

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Speaker 4: you don't feel comfortable or safe to do so because

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Speaker 4: that person has made you feel so isolated from friends

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Speaker 4: and family.

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Speaker 1: Completely dependent on them.

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Speaker 4: You're completely dependent on them, and you're in a situation

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Speaker 4: where maybe your friends and family are is welcoming to you.

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Speaker 3: Because you've pushed them out.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, you've pushed them out because you've essentially been told to.

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Speaker 4: So we're not talking about, you know, people who don't

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Speaker 4: have family and friends. Often these people have beautiful families

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Speaker 4: and beautiful friends, but they've been made to feel like

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Speaker 4: they can't approach their family or friends for help because

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Speaker 4: they've put themselves essentially in that position by not putting

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Speaker 4: themselves in that position, if you will.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Victoria, you spoke about creating a financial escape plan earlier.

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Speaker 2: What does that actually look like though? And how do

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Speaker 2: we go about creating one if we do need one?

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Speaker 4: So this is something that I have spoken to clients

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Speaker 4: about previously, and it's also the main theme of the

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Speaker 4: conversation I had with Zori Rosman when I spoke to her.

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Speaker 4: She is a family lawyer and she deals with this

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Speaker 4: situation honestly, far more often than she should. But the

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Speaker 4: one thing that she said is that she is in

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Speaker 4: a position where people do not reach out to her

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Speaker 4: to create a forward thinking plan. It's often a really

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Speaker 4: reactive plan and not usually done prior to the person

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Speaker 4: leaving the relationship. So she said, if she could change anything,

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Speaker 4: it would be that if someone is planning on leaving

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Speaker 4: a relationship as much as it's a really awful situation

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Speaker 4: to be in and we need to leave asap, create

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Speaker 4: a plan. And to create a plan, she said, we

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Speaker 4: need to be thinking about it before we leave that

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Speaker 4: house or that situation. We need to be making sure

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Speaker 4: that we can actually identify that we are in a

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Speaker 4: financially abusive relationship, not just a domestically violent relationship, and

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Speaker 4: knowing where we are going in the future, so making

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Speaker 4: sure that we are setting up bank accounts for ourselves.

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Speaker 4: Sometimes that means that we don't have funds to put

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Speaker 4: in them, but at least we have access to bank

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Speaker 4: accounts of our own, and at the end of the day,

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Speaker 4: everything will end up being disclosed, so one way or

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Speaker 4: another we'll be able to get all assets on the table,

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Speaker 4: but it's very very hard. So one of the best

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Speaker 4: things that you can do is actually take copies of everything,

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Speaker 4: so bank statements, bills, mortgage repayments, everything. Don't take the originals,

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Speaker 4: you don't need them, just take photocopies of them, take

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Speaker 4: photos of them, and not only have them for your

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Speaker 4: personal reference, but leave them with someone that you trust.

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Speaker 4: So if you have a family member or you have

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Speaker 4: someone that you can provide those documents too, to say,

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Speaker 4: these are copies of all of my financial documents or

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Speaker 4: my family's financial documents.

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Speaker 3: Whether you understand.

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Speaker 4: Them or not, it's better to have copies of them

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Speaker 4: so that your family, lawyer, or the person that is

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Speaker 4: helping you through this situation in the future can actually

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Speaker 4: help you through that with a more holistic picture.

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Speaker 3: Of where we're starting from.

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Speaker 4: In addition to taking copies of financial documents, it's also

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Speaker 4: really important to take copies of your identification, so your passport,

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Speaker 4: your driver's license, your birth certificates for you and your children,

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Speaker 4: any citizenship papers, any visa papers, your medicare cards.

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Speaker 3: You could look.

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Speaker 4: Into just making copies of it on a scanner and

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Speaker 4: sending them to yourself, or you could just take photos

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Speaker 4: of them and if you don't feel safe having those photos,

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Speaker 4: send them to a friend or a family member or

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Speaker 4: even a financial advisor, someone that can hold those documents

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Speaker 4: for you, so you can delete copies off your phone

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Speaker 4: or out of your inbox so that your partner or

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Speaker 4: the person that you don't want to know that you've

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Speaker 4: got copies of can see them. It's also really important

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Speaker 4: to understand what leases you are on and potentially have

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Speaker 4: your name taken off a lease and return the keys

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Speaker 4: and notify any utilities that you are not in that

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Speaker 4: relationship anymore and that you are not liable for those

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Speaker 4: debts because they can rack up in the background without

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Speaker 4: you even knowing. So that's just something to take into consideration.

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Speaker 4: And another thing that is really important is also contacting

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Speaker 4: oz Post and having your male redirected so a confirmation

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Speaker 4: might go to the home address, so be mindful of

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Speaker 4: that it won't ever have your forwarding address on it.

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Speaker 4: It will just say that mail is being redirected to

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Speaker 4: a different location and just letting the person at that

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Speaker 4: location know.

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Speaker 3: So that might be something that you want to watch

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Speaker 3: out for.

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Speaker 4: Gee, I've start across from this very table with clients

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Speaker 4: who haven't known where any of their assets are. They

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Speaker 4: haven't understood how much money is in their bank accounts,

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Speaker 4: their partner either has given them a credit card which

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Speaker 4: they track each and every single month. They're not sure

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Speaker 4: what type of properties or assets their family owns. They

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Speaker 4: know they own a house, but they're not entirely sure

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Speaker 4: if it's just that house or a number of investment properties.

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Speaker 4: And to be honest, that is one of the most

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Speaker 4: heartbreaking conversations I can have with anyone, because it's not

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Speaker 4: about Hey, I'm in debt and they need to get out.

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Speaker 4: It's actually, Victoria, I don't understand my financial situation. Someone

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Speaker 4: else has hidden that from me, and I don't have

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Speaker 4: a way.

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Speaker 3: To get hold of that.

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Speaker 4: So if you can put yourself in a position where

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Speaker 4: you are as educated as you possibly can be, then

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Speaker 4: it's time to make a plan and make sure that

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Speaker 4: we're there. But if we start talking about this financial

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Speaker 4: escape plan, which is again and I'm not going to

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Speaker 4: harp on about it, but it's a heartbreaking thing to

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Speaker 4: think about, what we should actually be doing is putting

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Speaker 4: ourselves in a position where we don't need a financial

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Speaker 4: escape plan, where we are financially independent, in a relationship

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Speaker 4: where we understand the ins and outs of our financial life,

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Speaker 4: regardless of whether we are the one that pays the

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Speaker 4: bills or not. I want each and every single woman

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Speaker 4: that listens to this podcast to understand how to pay

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Speaker 4: a bill, to understand where their money goes each and

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Speaker 4: every single month, to understand what costs and expenses exist

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Speaker 4: for them and the assets that they and their family own.

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Speaker 4: So for me, it's actually about going, hey, this situation

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Speaker 4: might not be happening to you, but make sure that

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Speaker 4: you're never in a position where this can Now.

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Speaker 2: You mentioned before Victoria that it would be a good

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Speaker 2: idea to set up a different bank account so that

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Speaker 2: we can maintain some kind of financial independence. But what

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Speaker 2: do we do if our partner tracks are every move

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Speaker 2: and is looking over our shoulder. How do we actually

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Speaker 2: make that money for ourselves?

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Speaker 1: Where do we grab it from?

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Speaker 5: What do we do?

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Speaker 4: That's a really important question. I was speaking to Zoe.

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Speaker 4: That was something that I was like, but what do

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Speaker 4: they do? How do they get their own money? Like,

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Speaker 4: what's your advice here? And she said, that's where the

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Speaker 4: plan comes into play. It's taking additional cash out when

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Speaker 4: you are doing the grocery shopping. It is taking small

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Speaker 4: amounts of cash and just depositing in and just depositing

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Speaker 4: it into that account. And whilst I know that this

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Speaker 4: situation might not be true for every single person, you

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Speaker 4: might be in a situation where this is.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely not possible.

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Speaker 4: I also want to mention here that there are a

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Speaker 4: number of banks that if you open an account with

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Speaker 4: them and then go to them and say hey, I'm

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Speaker 4: experiencing this financially abusive relationship, it's domestically violent, they have

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Speaker 4: grants and in the blog post that you've written, g

404
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Speaker 4: there is a whole heap of resources that people can

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Speaker 4: go to. So I know CBA and NAB both have

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Speaker 4: these programs. And whilst I'm not jumping up and down

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Speaker 4: saying hey, these guys have amazing savings accounts in really

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Speaker 4: great interest rates, which you know we talk about as

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Speaker 4: being a pro in this situation, your priority isn't a

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Speaker 4: good interest rate, It is actually getting the help that

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Speaker 4: you need and knowing where the resources are.

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Speaker 3: So even if you're in a.

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Speaker 4: Situation where you cannot get access to any money, there

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Speaker 4: are people out there, and there are institutions out there

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Speaker 4: that are going to hold your hand through this. You

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Speaker 4: just need to know where to go. And this post

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Speaker 4: that you've put together or it's half written now, but

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Speaker 4: it's going to be on the blog by Wednesday. But

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Speaker 4: it is an incredible resource and we've spent a lot

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Speaker 4: of time pulling it together. The other thing that I

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Speaker 4: think is really really important here is putting together your

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Speaker 4: own budget. Often, if you are in a financially abusive relationship,

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Speaker 4: it is inequitable, so you are not going to be

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Speaker 4: able to maintain the same level of lifestyle that you

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Speaker 4: had in that relationship. So you need to create a

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Speaker 4: budget of the bare minimums. So what is it going

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Speaker 4: to cost you each and every single month to rent

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Speaker 4: out your own apartment or rent out a studio, or

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Speaker 4: rent out a room in a sharehouse? What is your

430
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Speaker 4: budget for rent? How are you going to put a

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Speaker 4: roof over your head? Yeah, and even if you don't

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Speaker 4: have the capital for that, I think it's important to

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Speaker 4: understand your bare minimum Like, if you've got children, what

434
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:12,760
Speaker 4: are their expense? Is just get yourself into a position

435
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Speaker 4: where you are as educated as you possibly can be.

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Speaker 4: And I know that that is incredibly confronting. So it

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Speaker 4: is very hard to sit down and do a budget

438
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Speaker 4: when you know you don't have any money coming in

439
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,919
Speaker 4: and you feel helpless and lost and that it is

440
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Speaker 4: all too overwhelming. But I guarantee you you are going

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Speaker 4: to be in a more empowered position knowing, Okay, my

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00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,480
Speaker 4: bare minimum expenses for a month are going to be

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Speaker 4: eighteen hundred dollars and I could get by, like I could,

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Speaker 4: you know, feed my children. I could put a roof

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Speaker 4: over their head. That's what this is going to cost.

446
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,600
Speaker 4: So that moving forward, not everything is up in the air.

447
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:52,720
Speaker 2: Some really good advice there, Victoria. Now, in preparation for

448
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,080
Speaker 2: this episode, I was having a look at the ABS

449
00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:57,879
Speaker 2: website this week and it read that nearly two million

450
00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:01,600
Speaker 2: Australians have or will have experienceience financial abuse over the

451
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:03,800
Speaker 2: course of their lives, which is obviously.

452
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,840
Speaker 1: An appalling number.

453
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:08,800
Speaker 2: Victoria, how can we put ourselves in a position where

454
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:09,880
Speaker 2: this won't happen to us?

455
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:10,360
Speaker 3: So?

456
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,920
Speaker 4: I think the number one thing here is about transparency.

457
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:18,720
Speaker 4: It is about you understanding your financial situation as a whole.

458
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,280
Speaker 4: So there's no right or wrong when it comes to money.

459
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,000
Speaker 4: And this is what makes this topic so complex and

460
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:28,719
Speaker 4: so hard to discuss, because for some couples, one party

461
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,080
Speaker 4: not working is absolutely normal and it's completely acceptable and

462
00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:35,280
Speaker 4: it works really well. The issue is when you are

463
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:39,080
Speaker 4: in a situation where you don't have complete transparency of

464
00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:43,320
Speaker 4: your financial life and you feel as though it's been withheld.

465
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,840
Speaker 4: So that is very different from you going, hey, I've

466
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,000
Speaker 4: never looked at the statements that my husband leaves on

467
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:51,240
Speaker 4: the bench because I'm just not interested. It is very

468
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:55,320
Speaker 4: different than that. It is people withholding information from you.

469
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,520
Speaker 4: It is having a partner who says, oh, we've got

470
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,919
Speaker 4: these investment properties, but when you start asking what rent

471
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,200
Speaker 4: gets paid, they're like, don't you worry about that, I've

472
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,320
Speaker 4: got that covered. So it's more about understanding each and

473
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:09,280
Speaker 4: every single thing. And if you're in a situation where

474
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,119
Speaker 4: your partner does leave the bank statements out but you

475
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,199
Speaker 4: haven't taken the time to look, now is a really

476
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,639
Speaker 4: great time to just start being across it. Yep. You

477
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,280
Speaker 4: don't have to start paying the bills to understand how

478
00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:23,560
Speaker 4: much your electricity costs each month, or how much money

479
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,240
Speaker 4: is sitting in your bank account and what you are spending.

480
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:27,640
Speaker 3: This doesn't mean that.

481
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,080
Speaker 4: You need to jump up and down and go, oh

482
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,240
Speaker 4: my gosh, I don't know what's in my bank accounts.

483
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,639
Speaker 4: My husband has withheld this from me, or my partner

484
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:37,560
Speaker 4: has withheld this from me. It's more about saying, Okay,

485
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,120
Speaker 4: I just want to take more of an interest in

486
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,159
Speaker 4: this situation. It doesn't mean going gung ho on it

487
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,639
Speaker 4: from the beginning, because often that can be quite jarring

488
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,720
Speaker 4: to your partner if they've been managing that for you

489
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,160
Speaker 4: for so long. But it's about just starting to give

490
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,119
Speaker 4: a little bit more of an interest in your financial life,

491
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:59,000
Speaker 4: knowing that financial independence is the most important thing for you.

492
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,720
Speaker 2: We touched on them briefly before Victoria, but what other

493
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,320
Speaker 2: red flags should we be looking out for.

494
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,000
Speaker 4: Obviously it's going to be different for everyone, So if

495
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,680
Speaker 4: you resonated with any of the conversation that we've had

496
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,399
Speaker 4: thus far, it's definitely worthy of further consideration and thought.

497
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,320
Speaker 4: But also, if you're in a situation where you are

498
00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:19,879
Speaker 4: being asked to sign documents without fully understanding what you

499
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:24,359
Speaker 4: are signing, that's financial abuse. If you are in a

500
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,879
Speaker 4: situation where a family member is forcing you to claim

501
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:31,080
Speaker 4: for benefits that you know you're not entitled to, that's

502
00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:34,600
Speaker 4: financial abuse. If you're in a situation where a family

503
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,080
Speaker 4: member is forcing you to go as a guaranteur on

504
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,639
Speaker 4: a loan or making a family member take out a

505
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 4: loan in their name. That's financial abuse. The same goes

506
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,560
Speaker 4: for friends. If you've got someone who was racking up

507
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:51,359
Speaker 4: debt in your name, that's financial abuse. Selling possessions of

508
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:55,440
Speaker 4: yours without your permission, that's financial abuse. Or if you're

509
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,800
Speaker 4: in a situation and I'm sure we'll talk about it

510
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:01,240
Speaker 4: later where someone is force seeing a family member to

511
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:05,919
Speaker 4: change their will or change something legally about ownership structures,

512
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,960
Speaker 4: that is financial abuse. There is so many different factors

513
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,320
Speaker 4: to this, but at the end of the day, it

514
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,200
Speaker 4: actually comes down to making sure that you're not following

515
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:19,600
Speaker 4: someone blindly and you have complete transparency of your financial

516
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:23,360
Speaker 4: situation and access to your own money.

517
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:24,800
Speaker 3: So we're not saying, you know.

518
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,520
Speaker 4: You need to be completely in control of it, and

519
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,240
Speaker 4: you need to be moving money between accounts yourself. Just

520
00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:33,400
Speaker 4: across it. Understand what it is. What's your Internet banking password?

521
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,399
Speaker 4: Should you need to ever go in there? How do

522
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:35,840
Speaker 4: you do that?

523
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:37,080
Speaker 3: What does that look like?

524
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:41,000
Speaker 2: This is so heavy, Victoria, I'm like shaking over here.

525
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:45,400
Speaker 2: This is a really bloody hard conversation to have before

526
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,439
Speaker 2: we move on. I guess is there anything else you

527
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:50,120
Speaker 2: want to touch on that we should be across.

528
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,120
Speaker 4: Yeah, So Obviously all of that is really heavy to cover,

529
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,320
Speaker 4: but it is so essential that we know what's going

530
00:24:56,359 --> 00:24:58,399
Speaker 4: on with our money and we know what's going on

531
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:02,240
Speaker 4: with our own personal financi Situations like these things go

532
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,359
Speaker 4: hand in hand with domestic and emotional abuse, and that

533
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:08,480
Speaker 4: is something I would never wish upon anybody. So I

534
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:11,199
Speaker 4: think being in control of a situation means if we

535
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,600
Speaker 4: are ever subjected to something like that.

536
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:15,040
Speaker 3: We have the option to leave.

537
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:18,720
Speaker 4: We have spoken about the concept of an emergency fund

538
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,679
Speaker 4: before and the freedom that I believe that gives you

539
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:23,879
Speaker 4: to leave a situation you don't want to be in.

540
00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:26,720
Speaker 4: We're not just talking about having an emergency fund for

541
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:29,800
Speaker 4: a car repair that was unexpected. We're talking about having

542
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,840
Speaker 4: an emergency fund that enables you with the opportunity to

543
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:35,119
Speaker 4: leave a situation that you don't want to be in,

544
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,359
Speaker 4: whether that is an employer that you don't want to

545
00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:40,479
Speaker 4: work for any more, a country that you've found yourself

546
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,640
Speaker 4: stuck in, or a relationship that you no longer want

547
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,040
Speaker 4: to be in. An emergency fund is going to be

548
00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 4: something that is really important to you to enable financial freedom.

549
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,520
Speaker 4: So financial freedom is something that we talk about in

550
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,520
Speaker 4: a very holistic way. We say, you know what, we

551
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,960
Speaker 4: want you to have financial freedom in your life so

552
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,119
Speaker 4: that you know one day you don't have to work.

553
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,800
Speaker 4: What I'm talking about here is a fund that just

554
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:05,280
Speaker 4: enables choice and that is the biggest stepping stone for

555
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:06,840
Speaker 4: me for financial freedom.

556
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:08,399
Speaker 3: I also really want to.

557
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,600
Speaker 4: Point out that if anyone is making you feel like

558
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:16,240
Speaker 4: you are incompetent with money, that's not acceptable. You are competent,

559
00:26:16,359 --> 00:26:19,360
Speaker 4: you are capable, and you are smart enough to understand

560
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,719
Speaker 4: the ins and outs of banking and finance. This is

561
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,440
Speaker 4: not something that is super complex, and that is why

562
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,920
Speaker 4: we exist. Gee, this is what she's on. The money

563
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:30,400
Speaker 4: is about, Like you just need to take an interest

564
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:32,879
Speaker 4: in it and it will all fall into place for you,

565
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,440
Speaker 4: And that is exactly why we do what we do.

566
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:40,159
Speaker 4: The impacts of understanding your financial rights are huge, and

567
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,760
Speaker 4: the scars of not understanding them properly can last a lifetime.

568
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:48,080
Speaker 4: The effects of this are so multifaceted and complex. Impacts

569
00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:52,080
Speaker 4: of financial abuse and not understanding your finances properly impacts

570
00:26:52,119 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 4: on your social inclusion, your home security, It impacts on

571
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,600
Speaker 4: your physical and mental health. It can create an added

572
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,720
Speaker 4: barrier to leaving and abusive relationship it can also impact

573
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,960
Speaker 4: your access to healthcare. So I think it's really really

574
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,680
Speaker 4: important that we actually make this a priority for us,

575
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 4: even though it is not something that we are all

576
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,560
Speaker 4: experiencing right here and now, and hopefully none of us

577
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:17,400
Speaker 4: listening will experience, because we're putting ourselves in a position

578
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:21,480
Speaker 4: where we have that ability, that transparency and the option

579
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:22,760
Speaker 4: of leaving when we need.

580
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:26,200
Speaker 6: HI.

581
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:28,439
Speaker 2: Then you've reached the Shoes on the Money mail box.

582
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,440
Speaker 2: Do you have a money problem you want help solving.

583
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:32,040
Speaker 2: Do you have a money dilemma you just want to

584
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:35,200
Speaker 2: chat about. Victoria is here to help. Every week, we'll

585
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:37,080
Speaker 2: be planning your questions to help make sense of a

586
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,280
Speaker 2: money mess you may have found yourself in. Make a

587
00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:41,240
Speaker 2: quick recording on your phone and send it through to

588
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,200
Speaker 2: podcast at Shoesodthemoney dot com dot you, and you might

589
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,680
Speaker 2: find yourself on the show. But for now, here's today's

590
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:47,280
Speaker 2: listener question.

591
00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:51,680
Speaker 5: Hey, I probably prefer not to give my real name,

592
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:55,280
Speaker 5: if that's okay. I just wanted to perhaps ask a

593
00:27:55,359 --> 00:27:58,280
Speaker 5: question about the best way to deal with this because

594
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,400
Speaker 5: I think my best friend Minde be in a relationship

595
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:06,119
Speaker 5: that's abusive and I just don't really know how to

596
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,480
Speaker 5: handle it. I don't want her to feel too confronted

597
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 5: or shut down.

598
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,400
Speaker 3: So if there's any advice, that would be great. Thanks.

599
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:19,560
Speaker 2: What a horrible situation, Victoria. My instinct would be that

600
00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:24,119
Speaker 2: she needs to talk to her friend, even if she

601
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,359
Speaker 2: can't catch up with her, call her on the phone,

602
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:30,040
Speaker 2: just get through to her. Yeah, you just need to

603
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,520
Speaker 2: have this conversation because otherwise she's going.

604
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:33,000
Speaker 3: To be trapped.

605
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 4: Yeah, And it's really really hard because often as an outsider,

606
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 4: we're able to see things that the person in that

607
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:44,520
Speaker 4: relationship cannot at that point in time. And you know,

608
00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:46,880
Speaker 4: we all really want to believe that the people that

609
00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:50,520
Speaker 4: we know and love, our family members, our friends, people

610
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:54,800
Speaker 4: that we work with, live free from violence. So we

611
00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:57,880
Speaker 4: know that one in three Australian women over the age

612
00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:02,280
Speaker 4: of fifteen have her A B ordered experiencing some form

613
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:06,280
Speaker 4: of abuse in a relationship at some point in their life,

614
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,400
Speaker 4: which is terrifying. So those stats come from White Ribbon,

615
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:13,320
Speaker 4: who are also in our blog post this week. Violence

616
00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:19,960
Speaker 4: against women actually transcends so many boundaries of age, culture, ethnicity, religion, disability,

617
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:25,200
Speaker 4: social economic status. It can literally happen to anyone and everyone,

618
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,040
Speaker 4: and so I think that it is our obligation as

619
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:31,200
Speaker 4: women to come together and support one another. And it's

620
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:33,400
Speaker 4: like that friend that you have and you know their

621
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,120
Speaker 4: partner might not have been faithful, and do you say something?

622
00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 3: Do you not say something?

623
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:41,960
Speaker 4: Obviously it is complete personal discretion. But I believe that

624
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 4: we all should be standing together and supporting one another

625
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:47,240
Speaker 4: and making sure that we can offer support, no matter

626
00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:50,120
Speaker 4: how big or how small, to a friend that we

627
00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:51,440
Speaker 4: see is in need.

628
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,360
Speaker 2: And how would you do that in this situation?

629
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:54,760
Speaker 3: Be it can be really hard.

630
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:57,600
Speaker 4: It can be so hard to offer appropriate support or

631
00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 4: intervene in a circumstance where there is domestic or financial abuse. Nonetheless,

632
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,280
Speaker 4: there is a growing number of people asking how do

633
00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:09,320
Speaker 4: we support people going through the situation? And our resource

634
00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:11,880
Speaker 4: on our blog is going to outline all of the resources.

635
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 4: I'm not going to read them off, but one of

636
00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:17,960
Speaker 4: the most important thing is asking that person how you

637
00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 4: can support them. So sometimes they want support, sometimes they

638
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 4: do not want support. And it is a very fickle topic.

639
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 4: Whilst we are working very hard to make money not

640
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:32,560
Speaker 4: a taboo subject anymore. So many people perceive financial and

641
00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:36,440
Speaker 4: domestic abuse as being a private family matter. It is

642
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:40,000
Speaker 4: something that often people don't want you to interfere with

643
00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:42,720
Speaker 4: But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't. It just means

644
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 4: you need to be incredibly mindful about how you go

645
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:49,400
Speaker 4: about that. How do you have that conversation? Obviously, being

646
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:52,720
Speaker 4: really confrontational can be quite jarring for someone who might

647
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:56,200
Speaker 4: not even know that that is not acceptable behavior. So

648
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:58,680
Speaker 4: I think we need to put our personal opinions to

649
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:01,320
Speaker 4: the side for this one for a second and go, Okay,

650
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,880
Speaker 4: how can I actually support this person and what does

651
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:08,040
Speaker 4: that mean? We have an obligation as women to speak

652
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,200
Speaker 4: out and not remain silent on something like this. The

653
00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:13,800
Speaker 4: only way we can limit this happening is if we

654
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,600
Speaker 4: all come together and support one another. If done sensitively,

655
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:21,160
Speaker 4: expressions of your concern and support can help a woman

656
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:25,000
Speaker 4: who is facing a financially abusive relationship to make them

657
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:28,400
Speaker 4: feel less isolated and reinforce the message that this is

658
00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:31,720
Speaker 4: never acceptable and it should never be tolerated. You need

659
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:33,800
Speaker 4: to make sure that you're approaching it in a really

660
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:34,720
Speaker 4: sensitive manner.

661
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,160
Speaker 2: I can imagine there'd be quite an element of shame

662
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:38,040
Speaker 2: as well.

663
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:41,280
Speaker 4: Absolutely, because everyone's in denial about this situation.

664
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,800
Speaker 3: You don't want to be there. As I mentioned, earlier

665
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:44,640
Speaker 3: on the podcast.

666
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:49,320
Speaker 4: People who are financially abusing or domestically abusing you often

667
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:52,880
Speaker 4: make you isolated from your family and friends, so it

668
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 4: can be very hard.

669
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:55,960
Speaker 3: Which is a disguised so you.

670
00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 4: Can reach out to a friend and just express your concern. Hey,

671
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:00,960
Speaker 4: you're not being yourself lately. Do you want to have

672
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,400
Speaker 4: a chat? Do you want to have a coffee?

673
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:03,600
Speaker 3: You know what? Do you want to come over for

674
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:04,360
Speaker 3: a cup of tea?

675
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:06,960
Speaker 4: If it's a financial thing and she's worried about that

676
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:10,880
Speaker 4: coffee showing up on her bank card, saying things like

677
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:13,120
Speaker 4: I've noticed that you've been pretty withdrawn lately, I'm a

678
00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 4: bit worried about what's going on can be really good

679
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:20,400
Speaker 4: icebreakers for this conversation. Being really confrontational. Whilst we all

680
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 4: feel quite confrontational when it's not happening to us. We

681
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:25,080
Speaker 4: can be like, this is unacceptable, I'm not going to

682
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:27,680
Speaker 4: have this. I'm not standing for this, my friend. It's

683
00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:31,400
Speaker 4: not helpful to approach this situation like that and be patient,

684
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:33,720
Speaker 4: don't force this issue. It might have to come up

685
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:36,640
Speaker 4: a number of times before she feels like she genuinely

686
00:32:36,680 --> 00:32:39,160
Speaker 4: can open up to you, and don't be offended.

687
00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:40,160
Speaker 3: If your friend.

688
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,440
Speaker 4: Chooses not to disclose to you the situation that's going on,

689
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:45,560
Speaker 4: even if you can see it right in front of you.

690
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:49,520
Speaker 4: I think it's really important to understand that it's such

691
00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:52,840
Speaker 4: a common misconception that people once you say, hey, I

692
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 4: can see what you're going on, they go, yeap, no problems.

693
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,000
Speaker 3: I understand they're going to be in denial.

694
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:59,600
Speaker 4: And you know what, if they're not fantastic, maybe they've

695
00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:02,120
Speaker 4: seen it and they're just really grateful that somebody else

696
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:05,760
Speaker 4: is seeing things from their perspective, just knowing that they

697
00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:08,400
Speaker 4: have a friend that they can approach for anything.

698
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:09,400
Speaker 3: That's the main thing.

699
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:13,800
Speaker 4: So whilst this person who has sent us a hotline question,

700
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,400
Speaker 4: you know, really cares about their friend, I thought, I

701
00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:19,240
Speaker 4: think we also need to be quite pragmatic about our

702
00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:21,400
Speaker 4: approach and make sure that it is the.

703
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,080
Speaker 3: Right approach for that situation.

704
00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:26,080
Speaker 4: Sometimes things are far more dramatic and you actually do

705
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 4: need to intervene because your friend is at risk, and

706
00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:32,480
Speaker 4: that at that point, that's where you do contact authorities,

707
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:35,480
Speaker 4: you do call the police, you do have conversations that

708
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:38,000
Speaker 4: you really really need to have. But if you think

709
00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:42,520
Speaker 4: that your friend's in a financially abusive relationship, and you

710
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:44,480
Speaker 4: know you want to have that conversation. I think you

711
00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:45,640
Speaker 4: need to broach it lightly.

712
00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:48,440
Speaker 2: And what if you're not completely sure that they aren't

713
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,240
Speaker 2: a fully blown financially abusive relationship. If you just have

714
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:55,400
Speaker 2: a suspicion, would you still bring it up with them

715
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 2: or would you just leave it?

716
00:33:56,640 --> 00:33:57,440
Speaker 3: See what happens.

717
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:00,840
Speaker 2: I'm imagining it would be better to intervene subtly, But do.

718
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:01,480
Speaker 3: You have any words?

719
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:04,880
Speaker 4: I think intervene is probably not the right word here,

720
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:08,640
Speaker 4: because if it's a subtle incline, if it's a subtle feeling,

721
00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:10,399
Speaker 4: that that might not be right.

722
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:12,200
Speaker 3: We also need to be really aware.

723
00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:15,320
Speaker 4: That everybody manages their financial lives differently, and I've spoken

724
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:17,759
Speaker 4: about this. Even my partner and I we manage our

725
00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:20,600
Speaker 4: finances a little bit differently to the next couple. So

726
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:24,359
Speaker 4: I think it's important for the person thinking this to say,

727
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,960
Speaker 4: all right, well, maybe they've just got different opinions than

728
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:30,120
Speaker 4: I have around finances and how to manage those. And

729
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:32,799
Speaker 4: that's where money stories and money conversations come into it.

730
00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:36,880
Speaker 4: Have more conversations with your friends and your family about money.

731
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,640
Speaker 4: Understand where they're coming from. Maybe they're just closed about

732
00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:42,760
Speaker 4: it because they're not ready to talk about their money story.

733
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:44,360
Speaker 3: And that is completely fine.

734
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:47,560
Speaker 4: But I think having this conversation with your friends and

735
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:50,759
Speaker 4: your family about your experiences with money and what is

736
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:53,920
Speaker 4: and isn't acceptable can be really empowering.

737
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:56,160
Speaker 2: As promised, this week, we have a bit of a

738
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:59,120
Speaker 2: special money to Eary format. We're going to head straight

739
00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:01,800
Speaker 2: into a chat with the very honest, very brave, thirty

740
00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:03,879
Speaker 2: and financially confident he she is.

741
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:09,239
Speaker 6: One of the biggest side effects of financial abuse or

742
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:14,320
Speaker 6: emotional abuse growing up is not having confidence and having

743
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:17,680
Speaker 6: low self esteem because I didn't really think I was

744
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:21,560
Speaker 6: worth much, and I felt like I wasn't a very

745
00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:24,439
Speaker 6: good person because I was constantly told I was being

746
00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:28,799
Speaker 6: very selfish, and I am a taker and I take

747
00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:35,480
Speaker 6: all of these things and I never give, and I

748
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:37,520
Speaker 6: am the worst person on earth. These are sort of

749
00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:40,319
Speaker 6: the very normal things I get to hear all the

750
00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:43,160
Speaker 6: time in a FI and I look at the people

751
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:47,279
Speaker 6: around me and the support network that I've built around me,

752
00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:51,640
Speaker 6: and that is the validation that I need to know

753
00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:54,640
Speaker 6: that I am a good person and that I do

754
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:58,520
Speaker 6: give a lot, and I am a very supportive partner

755
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:04,239
Speaker 6: and friends to my friends so that has really been

756
00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:14,520
Speaker 6: my saving grace in all of this. When my parents split,

757
00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:18,200
Speaker 6: they lived in different countries, so it kind of plays

758
00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:23,000
Speaker 6: into it because I realized how she controls people with money, essentially,

759
00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:28,400
Speaker 6: so my father worked for her and she paid for everything,

760
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:33,080
Speaker 6: and when they split, she still continued to financially support him,

761
00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:36,920
Speaker 6: and so he was always kind of there at her

762
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:43,080
Speaker 6: beck and call whenever she needed. And I felt like

763
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,640
Speaker 6: he had to be a mediator between the two of us,

764
00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:49,239
Speaker 6: and he always had to keep that up and couldn't separate.

765
00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:52,160
Speaker 6: And I saw that as an example of me not

766
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:55,279
Speaker 6: being able to separate from her, and it was very

767
00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:59,560
Speaker 6: disheartening to see. So I felt like there was no

768
00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:03,880
Speaker 6: way I could ever put up a boundary that's healthy,

769
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:08,040
Speaker 6: because she's made a system around her that didn't allow that.

770
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:13,960
Speaker 6: Growing up, I was quite privileged living overseas and then

771
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:17,839
Speaker 6: coming back to Australia, living in a nice suburb, going

772
00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:21,480
Speaker 6: to private schools, being able to go on holidays. Growing

773
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:25,319
Speaker 6: up in this lifestyle, I was quite aware of the

774
00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:29,800
Speaker 6: privilege because my parents would often tell me how lucky

775
00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:34,319
Speaker 6: I am and use that as a point to make

776
00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:38,240
Speaker 6: sure I was a good kid, you know, You're very lucky.

777
00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:42,480
Speaker 6: People don't get the privilege to do this, so be grateful.

778
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:46,680
Speaker 6: My mum was a bit of a workaholic and never around,

779
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:50,440
Speaker 6: and money was her way of, in her words, was

780
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:53,840
Speaker 6: her way of showing us how lucky we are and

781
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:54,760
Speaker 6: how much.

782
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:55,319
Speaker 1: She loved us.

783
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,760
Speaker 6: I had to always show that I was incredibly grateful

784
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:03,319
Speaker 6: for what I was given, and I was, and I

785
00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:07,839
Speaker 6: wanted to prove myself to being financially independent and show

786
00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:11,279
Speaker 6: my gratefulness by saying, I've lived in a really great

787
00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:16,200
Speaker 6: childhood and I want to use this opportunity to make

788
00:38:16,239 --> 00:38:20,919
Speaker 6: something of myself and to show you that your money

789
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,640
Speaker 6: is well spent. Essentially, But no matter how good of

790
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:29,440
Speaker 6: a child I was, I was unable to get the

791
00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:33,240
Speaker 6: love and validation I was seeking. And it was always

792
00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:36,759
Speaker 6: just every one of my actions was conditional to what

793
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:41,000
Speaker 6: they were giving me, and my mother especially would try

794
00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:44,560
Speaker 6: it felt like control me as I was growing up,

795
00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:48,120
Speaker 6: by using that as her argument. No matter how well

796
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:52,080
Speaker 6: I did, if I slipped up slightly and wasn't the

797
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:56,719
Speaker 6: perfect child, then a range of arguments would come up,

798
00:38:56,800 --> 00:39:01,640
Speaker 6: including I chose to feed you, I chose to clothe you,

799
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:03,879
Speaker 6: and put a roof over your head. It was very

800
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:08,600
Speaker 6: normalized by the time I grew up with her lending

801
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:12,400
Speaker 6: money out and then using that to keep people close,

802
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:16,200
Speaker 6: and it happened to a lot of family members. I

803
00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:20,040
Speaker 6: could always see the intention at the beginning, which is

804
00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:22,279
Speaker 6: why it was so hard for me to be independent

805
00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:26,040
Speaker 6: later on in life. Was it did come out of

806
00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:29,799
Speaker 6: a place of love and care for the people around her.

807
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:32,879
Speaker 6: She was better financially off and therefore wanted to help

808
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:36,360
Speaker 6: the people around her, but in turn she needed to

809
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:40,160
Speaker 6: use that to keep people around her. You know, I

810
00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:43,000
Speaker 6: don't want to dive too deep into the psychology of it,

811
00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:45,920
Speaker 6: but it was a tool for controlling and to keep

812
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:50,879
Speaker 6: people close for validation. I was constantly trying to prove

813
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:55,640
Speaker 6: myself that I don't need the money to love my

814
00:39:55,760 --> 00:40:01,920
Speaker 6: own mother or anyone like. I grew very I didn't

815
00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:06,799
Speaker 6: care about any of the superficial possessions or gifts. And

816
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:10,080
Speaker 6: I really credit myself and being able to go to

817
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:13,240
Speaker 6: a therapist really early on in life, when I was eighteen,

818
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 6: and I haven't stopped since then. I realized as a person,

819
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:25,239
Speaker 6: I find happiness and relationships and or to be the

820
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:30,000
Speaker 6: most substantial thing for me rather than possessions. When I

821
00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:34,680
Speaker 6: moved out, it was quite an intense situation with my

822
00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:39,640
Speaker 6: mum because she wanted me to live at home and

823
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:43,200
Speaker 6: I felt that that wasn't the healthiest thing for me.

824
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 6: So I moved out and she insisted on paying for rent.

825
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:51,280
Speaker 6: So I didn't take a job, and whenever I did,

826
00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:57,359
Speaker 6: I did do casual work in retail, and I was

827
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:01,719
Speaker 6: constantly being berated to quit because it was beneath me

828
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,800
Speaker 6: to work in retail. In her, you know, her words,

829
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:07,880
Speaker 6: I should be focusing more on my studies and I

830
00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:10,799
Speaker 6: should be focusing more on the bigger picture, and that

831
00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:14,439
Speaker 6: she was there to support me, and I didn't feel

832
00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:17,000
Speaker 6: like I actually had an option. So I took the

833
00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:21,640
Speaker 6: financial support when I was at UNI, and I continued

834
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:26,560
Speaker 6: to do that for my undergrad essentially, and it created

835
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:30,319
Speaker 6: a lot of problems within our relationship because I was

836
00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:34,239
Speaker 6: out of home. It just got more tense between the

837
00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:38,080
Speaker 6: two of us, and I just really tried to stand

838
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:41,960
Speaker 6: my ground and was feel like I was really going

839
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:45,040
Speaker 6: up against something way bigger than I was actually able

840
00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:49,719
Speaker 6: to handle, which caused a lot of mental stress. But

841
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:52,839
Speaker 6: I would try. I would stick to my jobs, you know,

842
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:58,280
Speaker 6: despite being told not to, and I would try really

843
00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:01,400
Speaker 6: hard to save that money so that I had something

844
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:03,880
Speaker 6: to fall back on. I had a lot of shame

845
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:08,280
Speaker 6: around what was happening. People around me, you know, would

846
00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:12,560
Speaker 6: work and were struggling and were students or were in debt,

847
00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:15,200
Speaker 6: and I had a lot of support, but I was

848
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:18,160
Speaker 6: quite unhappy, so I felt like I couldn't talk about

849
00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:21,640
Speaker 6: it with anybody, and even my own therapist until the

850
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:24,800
Speaker 6: fights with my mother got really intense and I had.

851
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:28,400
Speaker 3: To bring it up. I just I was kind of at.

852
00:42:28,239 --> 00:42:33,680
Speaker 6: My wits end. Realized through that my therapist really helped

853
00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:37,880
Speaker 6: me understand what was going on and letting me understand

854
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:43,560
Speaker 6: that having healthy boundaries also meant financial boundaries and not

855
00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:47,200
Speaker 6: getting the support even though it was it would be really.

856
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:50,120
Speaker 1: Hard because I.

857
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:52,200
Speaker 6: Was relying on it for so long, it was the

858
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:55,880
Speaker 6: best thing for me to do. So from realizing to

859
00:42:56,200 --> 00:42:59,200
Speaker 6: actually being independent took a while because there was a

860
00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:03,280
Speaker 6: lot of little step yep. But that's when I realized

861
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:07,080
Speaker 6: was maybe around my mid twenties, early to mid twenties.

862
00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:12,279
Speaker 6: I could see how other people around me were struggling

863
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:16,879
Speaker 6: and or finding their footing and not having help and

864
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:20,520
Speaker 6: talking about borrowing a little bit of a little amount

865
00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:23,000
Speaker 6: of money from their parents to immediately pay it back.

866
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:27,480
Speaker 6: And I wasn't in that same situation, and I didn't

867
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:32,040
Speaker 6: know anyone that was really in that same situation. I

868
00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:36,319
Speaker 6: felt because I didn't know anybody going through it, I

869
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:39,160
Speaker 6: felt quite a lot of shame around it, and I

870
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:43,279
Speaker 6: felt like I felt shame because I didn't feel I

871
00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:49,120
Speaker 6: was really my own person as well. Setting boundaries with

872
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:55,560
Speaker 6: my mom took a lot of energy. I spent so

873
00:43:55,840 --> 00:44:01,279
Speaker 6: much time thinking about it first off, and reflecting and

874
00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:07,160
Speaker 6: talking to my therapist. My therapist was very, very concerned

875
00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:10,240
Speaker 6: and wanted me to set very hard boundaries, and every

876
00:44:10,239 --> 00:44:12,360
Speaker 6: time I did, it would blow up in my face

877
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:17,120
Speaker 6: and be quite an explosive fight. I was working for

878
00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:22,720
Speaker 6: my mum right after graduating. It ended up being really

879
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:29,120
Speaker 6: destructive to our relationship, and I decided to stop talking

880
00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:33,560
Speaker 6: to her, and that was quite hard on me. We

881
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:38,160
Speaker 6: didn't speak for six months or more, I think, and

882
00:44:40,040 --> 00:44:44,640
Speaker 6: she was constantly trying to reach out in all these

883
00:44:44,680 --> 00:44:48,120
Speaker 6: different ways, and also using my father to tell me

884
00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:51,879
Speaker 6: that I would regret it if we didn't make up

885
00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:55,360
Speaker 6: and it would be my fault if our relationship crumbled

886
00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:59,080
Speaker 6: and you should be the bigger person, you know, And

887
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:03,760
Speaker 6: I was trying to set quite a hard boundary. I

888
00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:10,120
Speaker 6: obviously quit working for her and I wanted to move out.

889
00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:14,280
Speaker 6: I had moved back in as well for a short

890
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:17,120
Speaker 6: period of time into her house, and I wanted to

891
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:21,160
Speaker 6: move out, and she literally said, you are not allowed

892
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:25,040
Speaker 6: to leave. You cannot move out, and I didn't know

893
00:45:25,040 --> 00:45:29,440
Speaker 6: what to do. I thought I had no options until

894
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:34,200
Speaker 6: I continued to set that boundary. I really pushed through,

895
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:38,120
Speaker 6: no matter how hard it was for me, and having

896
00:45:38,120 --> 00:45:41,840
Speaker 6: the space really helped me reflect on what was happening.

897
00:45:42,480 --> 00:45:46,200
Speaker 6: And moving out was also just the best thing for

898
00:45:46,280 --> 00:45:49,280
Speaker 6: me at the time, even though that was quite hard.

899
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:55,440
Speaker 6: The boundaries a set, but it's not being entirely respected.

900
00:45:56,000 --> 00:46:01,680
Speaker 6: I received a car for my birthday. I didn't want it.

901
00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:05,799
Speaker 6: My car was fine. I actually had a huge breakdown

902
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:09,920
Speaker 6: over it because I was gifted this thing and I

903
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:13,279
Speaker 6: thought it was everything I get given from my mother

904
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:17,120
Speaker 6: is conditional. So I just didn't want anything to be

905
00:46:17,360 --> 00:46:20,799
Speaker 6: over my head. I don't want to be told that

906
00:46:21,120 --> 00:46:24,319
Speaker 6: I give you this, therefore you should do this. And

907
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:28,000
Speaker 6: I had that freedom for a little bit now, and

908
00:46:28,520 --> 00:46:34,200
Speaker 6: to be given that I just felt so upset. Growing up,

909
00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:38,120
Speaker 6: I always wanted to have my say and wanted to

910
00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:40,960
Speaker 6: break away and tell and tell her you know you're

911
00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:44,000
Speaker 6: hurting me, and she could never hear that because it

912
00:46:44,040 --> 00:46:46,560
Speaker 6: would mean to her that she was a bad person.

913
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:52,840
Speaker 6: We've overcome the car situation. I've just accepted it. I

914
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:56,600
Speaker 6: tell myself that I accept this gift as a gift

915
00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:58,879
Speaker 6: in its own merit, and I try not to put

916
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:02,080
Speaker 6: any baggage on it. I try not to put any

917
00:47:02,120 --> 00:47:05,719
Speaker 6: of the past into things in the present.

918
00:47:05,760 --> 00:47:05,840
Speaker 5: And.

919
00:47:07,840 --> 00:47:11,399
Speaker 6: I essentially the early way forward for me is to

920
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:16,000
Speaker 6: appease her instead of going up against her, and just

921
00:47:16,160 --> 00:47:18,480
Speaker 6: tell her, thank you, You're a great you know, a

922
00:47:18,520 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 6: great mother, and this is great, and it seems to

923
00:47:21,760 --> 00:47:27,719
Speaker 6: be working. Having an honest conversation with her doesn't seem possible.

924
00:47:28,120 --> 00:47:31,439
Speaker 6: And what I've learnt through therapy is you can only

925
00:47:31,480 --> 00:47:35,080
Speaker 6: control yourself when it comes to any form of abuse.

926
00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:39,360
Speaker 6: You can't try and make someone be something different. So

927
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:44,600
Speaker 6: I've changed myself to be more patient and also to

928
00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:48,720
Speaker 6: give myself more rather than trying to please the person

929
00:47:48,760 --> 00:47:51,799
Speaker 6: that is hurting me in like the most extreme way.

930
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:56,360
Speaker 6: So I set a lot of boundaries in only being

931
00:47:56,400 --> 00:48:00,319
Speaker 6: able to see her when I'm available, only being able

932
00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:03,000
Speaker 6: to give her things when I have the ability to.

933
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:07,359
Speaker 6: So I do have the ability to tell her what

934
00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:10,959
Speaker 6: she wants to hear, which is she's a good mum.

935
00:48:11,280 --> 00:48:15,080
Speaker 6: Because I'm a lot more sure of myself now and

936
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:17,480
Speaker 6: I have a lot more confidence than myself, and I

937
00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:21,200
Speaker 6: know saying that doesn't change who I am. I have

938
00:48:21,280 --> 00:48:25,720
Speaker 6: a partner and he's very understanding. And my past partner

939
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:30,080
Speaker 6: was also very understanding, but saw me as a person

940
00:48:30,280 --> 00:48:33,680
Speaker 6: of a lot of privilege, and sometimes that would come

941
00:48:33,719 --> 00:48:37,400
Speaker 6: out in being called a princess and so forth, and

942
00:48:37,480 --> 00:48:42,560
Speaker 6: I would hate it so much. But my current partner is, yeah,

943
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:48,280
Speaker 6: super understanding, understands where that stems from. And ever since

944
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:50,560
Speaker 6: she's on the money came on, I haven't stopped talking

945
00:48:50,600 --> 00:48:53,279
Speaker 6: about it to him, and he's very excited for me

946
00:48:54,160 --> 00:48:59,319
Speaker 6: to have autonomy and confidence over my finances. And so

947
00:48:59,400 --> 00:49:02,960
Speaker 6: it doesn't aff affect us so much because I am

948
00:49:03,080 --> 00:49:06,800
Speaker 6: in the situation I am today and I have found

949
00:49:07,160 --> 00:49:10,960
Speaker 6: with my closest girlfriends being open to them about it.

950
00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:14,279
Speaker 6: Previously I was so ashamed, but being open to them

951
00:49:14,320 --> 00:49:17,680
Speaker 6: about it, I found that they've been really understanding, and

952
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:22,200
Speaker 6: I realized that no matter what, the people who around

953
00:49:22,280 --> 00:49:26,040
Speaker 6: you who love you will always be very understanding of

954
00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:29,600
Speaker 6: your story. So it is quite good to be open

955
00:49:29,680 --> 00:49:32,560
Speaker 6: to them.

956
00:49:32,680 --> 00:49:34,440
Speaker 1: And that is all we have time for today.

957
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:36,719
Speaker 4: If this is something that you or someone you know

958
00:49:36,880 --> 00:49:39,359
Speaker 4: is struggling with, the show Notes have a really great

959
00:49:39,440 --> 00:49:42,040
Speaker 4: number of resources for you to use if you need them.

960
00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:44,680
Speaker 4: And if you still feel like you need a friend,

961
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:46,759
Speaker 4: please feel free to reach out to me and I.

962
00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:48,360
Speaker 3: Can help point you in the right direction.

963
00:49:49,080 --> 00:49:51,400
Speaker 4: If you know that someone is going through this or

964
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:54,080
Speaker 4: you were going through this, though, we can recommend that

965
00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:57,520
Speaker 4: you call dvconnect Women's Line on one eight hundred eight

966
00:49:57,560 --> 00:50:00,239
Speaker 4: double one eight double one, the Kids Help on one

967
00:50:00,760 --> 00:50:04,720
Speaker 4: eight hundred five five one eight hundred, or the National

968
00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:08,600
Speaker 4: Sexual Assault and Domestic and Family Violence Counseling Service on

969
00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:12,720
Speaker 4: one eight hundred respect one eight hundred seven three seven

970
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:14,000
Speaker 4: seven three to two.

971
00:50:14,440 --> 00:50:16,640
Speaker 2: And now it's time to quickly wrap the boring but

972
00:50:16,800 --> 00:50:19,319
Speaker 2: important stuff. The advice shared on She's on the Money

973
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:22,640
Speaker 2: is general in nature and does not consider your individual circumstances.

974
00:50:22,960 --> 00:50:25,920
Speaker 2: She's on the Money exists purely for educational purposes and

975
00:50:25,960 --> 00:50:28,040
Speaker 2: should not be relied upon to make an investment or

976
00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:32,160
Speaker 2: financial decision. Oh and yes, don't worry, we promise. Victoria

977
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:36,360
Speaker 2: Divine is an authorized representative of Consultant Financial Advisors Propriety

978
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:39,520
Speaker 2: Limited ABN sixty five double six three seven three double

979
00:50:39,560 --> 00:50:42,319
Speaker 2: nine to five AFSL two three zero three two three.

980
00:50:42,640 --> 00:50:44,640
Speaker 2: And of course thanks to our friend Ryan John for

981
00:50:44,680 --> 00:50:46,200
Speaker 2: helping us put together today's show.

982
00:50:46,440 --> 00:50:48,800
Speaker 4: We would absolutely love it if you joined our beautiful

983
00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:52,280
Speaker 4: Facebook community, where our community shares money tips and tricks

984
00:50:52,560 --> 00:50:55,520
Speaker 4: every single day, free of judgment. Search She's on the

985
00:50:55,560 --> 00:50:58,759
Speaker 4: Money on Facebook and join us. If Facebook's not your thing,

986
00:50:58,840 --> 00:51:01,200
Speaker 4: you can also find us on Instagram where at She's

987
00:51:01,239 --> 00:51:02,600
Speaker 4: on the Money a us.

988
00:51:02,760 --> 00:51:04,080
Speaker 1: Sending lots of love guys

989
00:51:04,239 --> 00:51:05,200
Speaker 3: For you next week