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Speaker 1: Pink lunch boxes for Valentine's Day, a couple of really

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Speaker 1: bad jokes that our kids have shared, and me issuing

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Speaker 1: a mea Cooper because maybe maybe I've been too strong

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Speaker 1: on one particular parenting behavior, that maybe I was wrong.

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Speaker 1: That's all I'm saying. Hello and welcome to the Happy

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Speaker 1: Families Podcast, Real Parenting Solutions. Every day on Australia's most

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Speaker 1: downloaded parenting podcasts. We adjustin and Kylie Colson and today

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Speaker 1: I'll do better Tomorrow. It's the day Kylie where we

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Speaker 1: talk about what we're doing right, what we're doing wrong,

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Speaker 1: and how we can do better tomorrow. Because we care

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Speaker 1: about parenting, we care about our kids. We want our

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Speaker 1: families to be happier. I've got a couple of jokes

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Speaker 1: that we've got to make our way to. But before

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Speaker 1: we do that. Over the last few weeks, I've done

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Speaker 1: a lot of professional development in schools as I've been

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Speaker 1: running seminars around the country, and I bumped into somebody

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Speaker 1: at Budroum Mountain State School. I was doing some PD

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Speaker 1: there about emotional intelligence and well being in the classroom

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Speaker 1: and a lady by the name of Corinne walked over

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Speaker 1: to me. She said, I'm so excited to meet you.

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Speaker 1: I have listened to every single episode of the Happy

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Speaker 1: Families podcast. I listened to it every day. I never

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Speaker 1: miss an episode, and I just wanted to say hello.

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Speaker 1: We had the best conversation. She was just fabulous. She

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Speaker 1: loves you much more than she loves me. Probably not

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Speaker 1: surprised to hear that, And so I just wanted to

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Speaker 1: say hi to Coren. Yeah, I just want to say

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Speaker 1: hi to Krin because I thought that was awesome. All right,

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Speaker 1: our kids are given a couple of gags lately.

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Speaker 2: Well it's all so much gags. They were actually talking

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Speaker 2: about the worst lies that parents tell their kids. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and the one that jumped out at me from the

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Speaker 2: long list was chick in the animal is different from

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Speaker 2: chicken the meat.

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Speaker 1: Having that conversation because one of the kids wants to

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Speaker 1: be a vegetarian.

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Speaker 2: So bad? What was yours?

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Speaker 1: One of the kids walked in and she did this

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Speaker 1: really funny voice, like this really kind of voice. So

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Speaker 1: I'm just going to do in my norm voice, but

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Speaker 1: imagine a kid talking to you in that kind of voice.

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Speaker 1: And she goes, hey, Dad, what's an HD? And I said,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what And she said, I don't know either,

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Speaker 1: but the doctor reckons, I've got eighty of them on

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Speaker 1: so many levels. Eighty HD. Just that's brilliant. It's an HD.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, but the doctor says, I've got eighty

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Speaker 1: of them.

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Speaker 2: That explains so much.

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Speaker 1: All right, missus, happy families. What's happened this week that's

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Speaker 1: going to help you or help everyone to be better

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Speaker 1: parents over the weekend and next week.

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Speaker 2: Well, one of our daughters has started new school and

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Speaker 2: it started off really well, and then the other day

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Speaker 2: she came home after a really really hard day.

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Speaker 1: Context around the nation, people have been starting new schools everywhere,

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Speaker 1: new high schools, new primary schools. But this particular daughter

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Speaker 1: has had a year and a half off school for homeschool,

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Speaker 1: and now she's decided, I'm in grade ten, I need

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Speaker 1: to go back to school. She's chosen the school, she's

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Speaker 1: made all the decisions herself. We're supporting her in that,

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Speaker 1: but suddenly it's hard.

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Speaker 2: And you had had a small conversation with her when

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Speaker 2: she got home, and I tried to instigate I guess

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Speaker 2: a deeper, a more explorative conversation with her later that night,

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Speaker 2: and she still wasn't ready to talk. But the next day,

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Speaker 2: as we were driving to school, I said, you know,

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Speaker 2: how are you feeling today? I said, yesterday seems to

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Speaker 2: have been a really hard day. She said, yeah it was.

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Speaker 2: I said, when you think about the experiences that you're

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Speaker 2: having right now at this new school, are they any

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Speaker 2: different from the kinds of experiences that you had previously

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Speaker 2: at school? Is it the school that you're at, like,

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Speaker 2: because we're going with a completely unconventional format of education.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a different model. This school works differently to

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Speaker 1: most schools.

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Speaker 2: And whether or not the challenges are associated with the

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Speaker 2: new format or whether this is just school in general.

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Speaker 2: And she said, Mum, it's got nothing to do with

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Speaker 2: the format. She said, it's just kids these days. Like

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Speaker 2: she really really struggles with the lack of respect and

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Speaker 2: especially towards teachers in general. And so the classroom was

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Speaker 2: just really busy. She's at the moment doing subjects that

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Speaker 2: do not interest.

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Speaker 1: Her, developing new relationships with new friends, the whole thing. Like,

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Speaker 1: it's a lot much going on for kids when they

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Speaker 1: start in your school.

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Speaker 2: And she said, and I just got to a point

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Speaker 2: where I was just complete overwhelm. Mum, and I said, okay.

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Speaker 2: I said, when you talk about overwhelm, I said, are

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Speaker 2: you talking about emotional overwhelm? Are you talking about physical overwhelm?

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Speaker 2: Are you talking about just social overwhelm? Like? What overwhelm?

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Speaker 2: Is it specifically for you right now? Is this, you know,

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Speaker 2: kind of too much stimulus? And she said no, it's

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Speaker 2: definitely emotions. I said, okay.

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Speaker 1: I love how you're stepping that out though and getting

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Speaker 1: curious about it. You've identified it sounds like it's this.

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Speaker 1: Tell me more. There's so much value in helping her

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Speaker 1: to do that. It's not about doing therapy. It's just

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Speaker 1: about helping her to feel and hurt and valued so

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Speaker 1: that you can move to a productive resolution.

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Speaker 2: Well, as I kept talking to her, she acknowledged it

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Speaker 2: was definitely emotional. And I said, when you were in

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Speaker 2: that space, I said, do you know what emotions you

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Speaker 2: were feeling? She said no, not really And I said, okay.

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Speaker 2: I said, this is really important. This is really cool

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Speaker 2: that we get to sit here and talk about this.

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Speaker 2: I said, because we're not able to move through this

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Speaker 2: until we actually understand it. We actually can start to

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Speaker 2: narrow in and pinpoint the experiences we're having. And because

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Speaker 2: We've just recently watched Inside Out too with the kids.

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Speaker 2: I was able to take her back to the movie

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Speaker 2: and I said, do you remember towards the end when

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Speaker 2: anxiety took over, she completely had control of the situation,

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Speaker 2: or lack of control for one of a better explanation.

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Speaker 2: And I said, what was happening in that moment? She said,

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Speaker 2: there was absolute flurry. You couldn't see anxiety because there

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Speaker 2: was an absolute flurry around the control center of her brain.

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Speaker 2: And I said, and what did Joy have to do

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Speaker 2: to break through that? She like, literally like cloring to

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Speaker 2: break through anxiety's flurry. But once she got to the

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Speaker 2: control center, what she realized was that, in spite of

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Speaker 2: all that flurry, anxiety had actually frozen. Anxiety was no

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Speaker 2: longer in control. She had just taken over. And it

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Speaker 2: required so much energy and so much effort for Joy

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Speaker 2: to push through, because ultimately, that's what Joy's job is

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Speaker 2: to do, is to pull her out of these crazy spaces.

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Speaker 2: And I said, so when you get like that, I said,

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Speaker 2: it's really easy for you to just kind of get

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Speaker 2: caught up in the flurry and kind of freeze in

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Speaker 2: the moment. And I said, but if you can sit

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Speaker 2: there for a little bit longer and just start to

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Speaker 2: get curious, like I am with you now, and start

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Speaker 2: to ask yourself what am I feeling or what am

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Speaker 2: I experiencing? What am I experiencing right now? I've got

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Speaker 2: I'm feeling dizzy in the head, my stomach's churning, I

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Speaker 2: feel a bit, you know, like crawley around my skin,

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Speaker 2: whatever it is. But actually write that down so that

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Speaker 2: when you come back we can have a talk about that.

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Speaker 2: And I said, and if you can sit there for

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Speaker 2: just a little bit longer, maybe you can start to

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Speaker 2: work out what emotion you're experiencing right now. And I said,

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Speaker 2: do you think that if you did that that we

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Speaker 2: could then start to work out there's coping strategies you

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Speaker 2: would need to actually work through it. And she kind

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Speaker 2: of looked at me and she said, I don't know, mum.

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Speaker 2: I said, you've heard the word trauma used before. We

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Speaker 2: talk about traumatic experience, that somebody in the family's passed away,

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Speaker 2: we've lost a pet, I said, you've failed an exam.

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Speaker 2: Those things people usually associate with being traumatic. I said,

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Speaker 2: but it's actually not the experience that's traumatic for us,

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Speaker 2: it's how we process it. So in this space you

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Speaker 2: are feeling overwhelmed, and I said, and you're struggling to

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Speaker 2: process it, and so you don't have the coping mechanism

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Speaker 2: just to help you through it. I said, But if

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Speaker 2: we can sit there for a little bit longer, in

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Speaker 2: that space of uncomfortability, maybe we can start to build

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Speaker 2: the strategies that you're needing so that you feel empowered.

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Speaker 2: That's what it comes out to. We want our children

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Speaker 2: to feel empowered that they can actually work through these

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Speaker 2: challenges without us sitting there by their side. But for

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Speaker 2: the time being, they need a little bit of coaching,

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Speaker 2: and so I guess my I'll do better tomorrow. Is

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Speaker 2: really just the acknowledgment where our kids are having a

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Speaker 2: hard time. Sometimes they need their own space and time

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Speaker 2: to process before we actually go in. But once we do,

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Speaker 2: just sitting in that space of curiosity and compassion as

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Speaker 2: we help them work through it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, there's all these steps to motion coaching, but sometimes

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Speaker 1: it's actually just having a conversation about emotions and moving

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Speaker 1: towards a solution because everyone's calm and feeling understood. After

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Speaker 1: the break, my mere coolper the stuff that I got

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Speaker 1: wrong about parenting and what I've learned thanks to a

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Speaker 1: swimming carneval. Okay, Kylie, It's it's hard for me to

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Speaker 1: say this, but sometimes I get stuff. Did I get

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Speaker 1: it wrong? I don't know if I got it wrong,

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Speaker 1: but I've made a big deal about it so far

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Speaker 1: in the pod that I got it wrong. So let

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Speaker 1: me just spell it out. In one of my books,

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Speaker 1: Nine Ways to a Resilient Child, I have an entire

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Speaker 1: chapter talking about how competition is bad for kids and

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Speaker 1: their resilience. It doesn't have to be, but generally speaking,

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Speaker 1: competition is bad for your kids. Why well, because when

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Speaker 1: they're winners, sometimes they interpret the fact that they've won,

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Speaker 1: whether it's the cross country or the astedford, or the

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Speaker 1: major role in the play, whatever it is. When they're winners,

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Speaker 1: they start to believe that their identity is tied up

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Speaker 1: in winning. Therefore, they become quite fragile at the possibility

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Speaker 1: that they won't win. Therefore, the competition that drives the

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Speaker 1: success so they can get the trophies or the plo

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Speaker 1: to whatever the acclamation, actually leads to what I'm going

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Speaker 1: to call a hollow form of resilience. It shatters easily

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Speaker 1: if they don't keep winning. Makes sense, right. Conversely, losing well,

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Speaker 1: that tells you that you're a loser, especially if the

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Speaker 1: competition is important to you, especially if you want to

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Speaker 1: base your self esteem around how well you perform at academics, maths, science,

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Speaker 1: cross country, swimming, carnivals, athletics, carnivals, whatever it is that's

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Speaker 1: going on. And so we have this thing where competition

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Speaker 1: can drive losers to feel worse about themselves because they

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Speaker 1: feel like literal losers, and winners to feel worse about

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Speaker 1: themselves because if they don't win, what does that really

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Speaker 1: say about me? I mustn't be a winner, I must

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Speaker 1: be a loser. I'm anti competition because I believe, especially

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Speaker 1: when kids are younger than at about ten to twelve, that

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Speaker 1: if they can't demonstrate competence, they're going to feel lack

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Speaker 1: of resilience. And if they are demonstrating competence, but there's

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Speaker 1: a risk that that competence is going to be shown

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Speaker 1: up by somebody more competent, that it's a hollow form

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Speaker 1: of resilience. Okay, that's the backdrop. As a result of

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Speaker 1: that approach, we've spoken to the kids about competition, and

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Speaker 1: we've never really encouraged it. The kids have been involved

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Speaker 1: in a bit of netball here and there, and they've

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Speaker 1: done a bit of this and a bit of that,

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Speaker 1: but they've never really been involved in competitive pursuits. And

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Speaker 1: I've felt fine about it because I don't want my

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Speaker 1: kids to feel like their self esteem is based on

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Speaker 1: them making other kids feel bad about themselves, Like why

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Speaker 1: is it that competition is about I get to feel good?

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Speaker 1: So long as you have to feel bad, winning is

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Speaker 1: mutually exclusive. When you get older and you understand competition

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Speaker 1: and it's not so much about your identity. Like for me,

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Speaker 1: if I was to go back to competitive cycling, it

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Speaker 1: would be because I loved the cycling and the camaraderie

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Speaker 1: and I love pushing myself in a bike raze. It

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Speaker 1: wouldn't because I get to say that I won the

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Speaker 1: fifty at over aged like who cares? Right, But for kids,

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Speaker 1: they can really internalize that stuff. So our kids haven't

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Speaker 1: done competitive stuff, And even on days where they've said,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to do the swimming carnival, I don't

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Speaker 1: want to the cross country, We've always encouraged them to go.

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Speaker 1: We've encouraged them to participate, to be part of the

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Speaker 1: team and to have a crack but if they've really

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Speaker 1: put up a fight, we've been pretty relaxed about and said, sure,

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Speaker 1: stay home, be productive. It's your call. Well, our year

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Speaker 1: twelve daughter went to her swimming carnival just last week.

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Speaker 1: It was on Friday. She decided to go. She was

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Speaker 1: going to cheer from the sidelines. First time she's been

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Speaker 1: to a swimming carnival in years. It's been some health issues,

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Speaker 1: she's had a bad mindset towards it, and perhaps a

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Speaker 1: small factor has also been the fact that I've made

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Speaker 1: a big deal about not being competitive. She went to

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Speaker 1: a swimming carnival to cheer from the sidelines last week,

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Speaker 1: decided that she would participate. After all, they.

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Speaker 2: Didn't actually have anyone from her team.

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Speaker 1: Nobody in her house was going to just swim. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but there are other girls swiming in the year twelve race.

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Speaker 1: But she said, oh, I might as well do the opens.

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Speaker 1: I'll get in there, I'll participate. It's my last year

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Speaker 1: of school. I've never participated. I'll give it a go.

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Speaker 1: She won everything. She won everything. Now here's the funny thing.

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Speaker 1: Her winning didn't make other people feel bad. Firstly, but secondly,

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Speaker 1: I saw a difference in her because she felt competent,

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Speaker 1: and because she received warm attention from the people around

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Speaker 1: her because of her ability, she came home a different kid.

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Speaker 1: I saw a level of confidence in her that I

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Speaker 1: don't know if I've seen, certainly not for a long time,

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Speaker 1: and it made me rethink if kids now. Granted, she's

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Speaker 1: at the upper end, right, she's about to turn eighteen,

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Speaker 1: so she approaches competition differently. It's not about identity, and

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Speaker 1: yet what this really is as a story that competition

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Speaker 1: approached the right way can build identity, not identity of

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Speaker 1: I'm a winner, but rather identity swimmer.

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Speaker 2: In this instance, I'm a swimmer.

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Speaker 1: Or I'm competent, and it feels good to be competent.

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Speaker 1: It's a confidence booster. And I kind of feel like

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Speaker 1: I need to walk back my harsh anti competitive stance.

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Speaker 1: The things that I've said about competition, their research and

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Speaker 1: evidence backed. They're still quote unquote correct, but I'm less

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Speaker 1: convinced that they're useful. I used to think that they

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Speaker 1: were purely true, and therefore they were right, and therefore

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Speaker 1: they were useful. But watching what's happened with our daughter

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Speaker 1: is she's had this experience, I'm questioning that, and I'm

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Speaker 1: wondering if there's a way that we can help our

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Speaker 1: children to engage in competition because they enjoy the activity

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Speaker 1: and they enjoy the relationships.

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Speaker 2: That's the key. That's the key, though, When our children

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Speaker 2: want and want to be involved in something, they're motivated

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Speaker 2: to be involved in it. They do it because they

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Speaker 2: love it, right, It doesn't matter. The outcome doesn't matter

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Speaker 2: when they love it. But too often we place our

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Speaker 2: children at really young ages into competitive arenas and they're

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Speaker 2: not emotionally ready.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so I'm right. I was right after it, but

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Speaker 1: I'm also wrong, and that's what I want to highlight.

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Speaker 1: The context is everything, the goals, the striving, the aspiration,

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Speaker 1: and the impact that it has an identity. The way

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Speaker 1: that we process you talked about trauma with our daughter.

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Speaker 1: The way that we process the win or the loss

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Speaker 1: is actually what's important here.

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Speaker 2: And how we support others around us as they grow

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Speaker 2: through that process.

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Speaker 1: I'm so glad you said that. So the take home

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Speaker 1: message is help your kids feel competent, and if that

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Speaker 1: means being involved in competition, maybe I was wrong. If

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Speaker 1: you can do it the right way, we really hope

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Speaker 1: that these stories and these ideas help you in your parenting.

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Speaker 1: I'll do better tomorrow. We'll be back next Friday. Have

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Speaker 1: a wonderful weekend. The Happy Families podcast is produced by

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Speaker 1: Justin Rowland from Bridge Media. If you would like more

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Speaker 1: information or resources to make your family happier, you'll find

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Speaker 1: it at happy families dot com dot a