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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, the

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Speaker 1: podcast for the Time Poor Parent, who Just Wants Answers

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Speaker 1: Now Well, Luke and Susie, our husband and wife radio

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Speaker 1: team and the parents of three young boys. And today

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Speaker 1: we are talking about teenagers acting like toddlers. Justin the

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Speaker 1: question that Tracy has sent through, I think is a

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Speaker 1: common one for teenage parents. She's written, teenagers question mark,

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Speaker 1: question mark, question mark? How do you stop them fighting, winging, nagging,

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Speaker 1: being lazy? It's like they are toddlers again, but too

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Speaker 1: big to pick up and put in a time out?

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Speaker 2: They usually are. They're usually bigger than us. So there's

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Speaker 2: four or five questions in there. Which one should we

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Speaker 2: concentrate on? Are we talking about just disciplining teenagers? Is

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Speaker 2: that kind of Tracy's question?

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Speaker 1: I think ultimately that's where it's going. We've got behavior

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Speaker 1: that's coming out in teenagers that you know, it happens

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Speaker 1: when they're toddlers, It stops for a while in the middle,

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Speaker 1: and then it comes back as teens. What do we

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Speaker 1: do when it comes back because we can't treat them

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Speaker 1: like toddlers anymore.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, sure, and when we do, they tend to respond poorly.

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Speaker 2: The three ease of effective discipline. I talk about it

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Speaker 2: all the time, but this is such a critical part

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Speaker 2: of it. Before we go there, though, I think that

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Speaker 2: it's important to consider what our relationship with our teenager

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Speaker 2: is and also why they are the way they are.

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Speaker 2: So let's talk about those two things briefly, then we'll

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Speaker 2: talk about the three ees, and probably all we'll have

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Speaker 2: time for. First of all, imagine you're a teenager and

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Speaker 2: your parents ask you to do something that doesn't suit you.

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Speaker 2: What was your reaction?

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Speaker 3: Probably not fit for the show.

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Speaker 2: So we have these expectations about our teenagers. We kind

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Speaker 2: of think, well, hang on, I was one, but now

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Speaker 2: look at where I am now, look at who I've

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Speaker 2: developed into, look at my maturity. I would never do

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Speaker 2: that now. And we kind of expect our teenagers to

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Speaker 2: be who we are because we've done the development, so

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Speaker 2: they should just know that and be there. We forget

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Speaker 2: that they're teenagers and they're going through the same thing

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Speaker 2: that we went through. It's really hard to put ourselves

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Speaker 2: in their position. They're seeming to be so unreasonable to

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Speaker 2: us and so so much attitude and eye rolling, and

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Speaker 2: it's just so lazy like that email said. And yet

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Speaker 2: this is what we were usually like. Now, no, not

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Speaker 2: everyone was. Some of us were wonderful A grade teenagers.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I mean enough about me. Let's talk more

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Speaker 3: about Susan.

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Speaker 2: So that's the first thing. Just remember what you were like,

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Speaker 2: or what most teenagers are like. Second thing is imagine

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Speaker 2: your relationship with your teenager is a bucket. A bucket

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Speaker 2: is good for carrying well one thing, primarily water. That's

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Speaker 2: why we have buckets to move water. If the water

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Speaker 2: in the bucket represents the connection that you have with

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Speaker 2: your team, the air represents what I call the correction

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Speaker 2: and direction that you're giving to your team. Now, we

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Speaker 2: want to have a full bucket. We don't want it

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Speaker 2: to be full of air. We wanted to be full

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Speaker 2: of water. But if Tracy and any parent of any

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Speaker 2: teenager were to examine their interactions with their teenager and

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Speaker 2: work out how much water is in the bucket, chances

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Speaker 2: are it's mostly air. In fact, most parents that I

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Speaker 2: talk to will say, yeah, about ninety percent air, about

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Speaker 2: ten percent water. We're not actually connecting very well with

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Speaker 2: our teenagers. And when there's no relationship, rules just lead

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Speaker 2: to rebellion. It's like, why are you always telling me

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Speaker 2: what to do? Like, think about your morning with your teenager.

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Speaker 2: How much did you say, do this, do that? Why

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Speaker 2: haven't you done it already? And by the way, you've

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Speaker 2: done it wrong because that's all correction and direction. How

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Speaker 2: much did you say, gee, I love having you in

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Speaker 2: our family. When I see you walk out of your

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Speaker 2: bedroom in the morning, you're like a ray of sunshine.

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Speaker 2: I know that sounds a little bit trite and cheesy,

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Speaker 2: but you know we're talking about this connection. Hey, what

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Speaker 2: are you looking forward to today? What's going on in

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Speaker 2: your world? Let's sit down and have a chat. And

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Speaker 2: I know people are like, but no one's got time for

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Speaker 2: that in the morning. But what about things like is

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Speaker 2: there anything you need help with before you head off

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Speaker 2: to school? What can I do to support you? That

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Speaker 2: creates connection as well, and it positions us as an

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Speaker 2: ally rather than an enemy. So that's what we've got

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Speaker 2: to focus on. How do we build this relationship with

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Speaker 2: our teens so they actually want to help us, They

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Speaker 2: want to have a nice attitude towards us.

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Speaker 1: O consense that we're heading towards a place where we're

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Speaker 1: going to be filling our bucket with water.

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Speaker 3: Next lot of some of us that definitely feels like

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Speaker 3: there's a hole in the bucket. De dear Liiza, there's

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Speaker 3: a hole in the bucket, lives a hole.

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Speaker 1: Now you've talked about already the concept that we should

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Speaker 1: be in teenager ys more focused on actually building this

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Speaker 1: relationship than on the correction side of things in our world.

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Speaker 2: Connection more than.

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Speaker 1: Connection, more than correction. But how do we address the

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Speaker 1: stuff that does need to be corrected?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? Right, So this is the big one, right because

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Speaker 2: everyone's like, well, now we're just getting into namby panby

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Speaker 2: cotton wooling spoon feeding our kids. They're bubble wrapped and

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Speaker 2: there's no discipline, there's no limits, And I understand that concern.

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Speaker 2: But here's the really big challenge around this. When you're

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Speaker 2: with somebody who's constantly telling you what to do, do

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Speaker 2: you feel motivated to help them? Do you like being

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Speaker 2: around them?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 3: Not.

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Speaker 2: Generally, if we're in a relationship like that with somebody,

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Speaker 2: we tend to avoid them. And that's I think at

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Speaker 2: least part of the reason why our teenagers are like this.

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Speaker 2: To us, we need to patch up the bucket, we

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Speaker 2: need to keep the water in the bucket. We've got

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Speaker 2: to actually, sorry, maybe there's no hole in the bucket.

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Speaker 2: We just haven't put any water in for a while because.

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Speaker 3: We're constantly evaporated.

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Speaker 2: Acts. Yeah, it's just it's gone and there's only air

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Speaker 2: in that in that relationship bucket.

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Speaker 1: We're going to take this analogy as far as we can.

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Speaker 3: We are going to rocket all the way through.

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Speaker 2: So we've if we're going to have rules and if

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Speaker 2: we're going to have limits, the best way to get

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Speaker 2: those to stick is to have a good relationship. So

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Speaker 2: spend time with your teenager and actually engage. And by

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Speaker 2: the way, if you haven't done this for a while,

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Speaker 2: they may be resistant. They may be like, what do

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Speaker 2: you want, They might push back. What we're trying to do, though,

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Speaker 2: is we're trying to build this connection. Then we get

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Speaker 2: to have the conversation maybe in a couple of weeks,

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Speaker 2: right where we explore, we explain, and we empower. So

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Speaker 2: we explore by saying, you know, for the last few months,

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Speaker 2: every time I've brought this up, you've gotten cranky, you've

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Speaker 2: walked out of the room, you've slammed the door, you've

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Speaker 2: just refused, you've said it's not my job. I shouldn't

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Speaker 2: have to do it. I feel like something's not quite

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Speaker 2: right here. Can you help me to understand what's actually

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Speaker 2: going on? Way? Was it so hard to be nice

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Speaker 2: to your sister? Why is it so hard to put

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Speaker 2: the rubbish bin out once every week on a Thursday night?

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Speaker 2: We explore, then we explain and our family we've all

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Speaker 2: got to work together. You know that. And I keep

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Speaker 2: your explanation short, and then in power you say, all right,

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Speaker 2: so you get where I'm coming from. I definitely understand

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Speaker 2: you in a way that I didn't until we had

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Speaker 2: this conversation. What do we do about this? Put it

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Speaker 2: back onto our teenager? The other question that I love,

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Speaker 2: other than what do we do about this? Is how

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Speaker 2: can I help so that we can make this work

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Speaker 2: as a family. As we do that, we're actually treating

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Speaker 2: our children like people, not problems, which means that they're

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Speaker 2: more likely to engage with us, feel connected to us.

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Speaker 2: And when there's water in that bucket, they're happy to

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Speaker 2: have a splash, they're happy to play around, they're happy to,

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Speaker 2: you know, be part of what we're doing.

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Speaker 3: It strikes me that the majority of the things that

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Speaker 3: you've talked about while we can understand the wisdom of

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Speaker 3: it comes at a even if it's not a time expense,

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Speaker 3: it's certainly a insight at the most stressful and difficult times,

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Speaker 3: at our day expense, when we've got we feel like

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Speaker 3: we're at our limit anyway of remembering all the right

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Speaker 3: things to do? How do we go about it?

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Speaker 2: A couple of really quick things here. First of all,

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Speaker 2: you cannot discipline somebody. I mean, this is all about teaching,

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Speaker 2: right Discipline is teaching. It's not about punishing. It's about teaching.

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Speaker 2: You cannot discipline somebody when there's a lot of emotion,

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Speaker 2: or when there's time pressure, or when there's an audience

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Speaker 2: not going to work. So if you've got this issue

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Speaker 2: right now, just deal with it later. Kick it down

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Speaker 2: the road, Deal with it to night when everyone's calm,

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Speaker 2: deal with it tomorrow morning, or on Saturday when you

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Speaker 2: can go to the cafe and buy their favorite milkshake.

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Speaker 2: Kick it down the road. Deal with the emotional stuff

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Speaker 2: when you're in a nice, cool emotion rather than a

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Speaker 2: hot emotion. That's the first thing. Second thing is it

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Speaker 2: does take time. But as the late great Stephen Covey said,

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Speaker 2: we need to remember that fast is slow and slow

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Speaker 2: is fast. You can go for the quick fix, but

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Speaker 2: you're going to have to keep on putting the band

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Speaker 2: aid on and then ripping it off, and putting it

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Speaker 2: on and ripping it off. The quick fix doesn't work

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Speaker 2: long term. The slow, steady internalization takes a long time

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Speaker 2: to build, but my goodness, it gets you much better

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Speaker 2: results down the track because we've actually grown character in

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Speaker 2: a child rather than being the external police making them

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Speaker 2: do stuff. Especially with teenagers.

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Speaker 1: If there's one thing I take away from this discussion,

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Speaker 1: it's that, as opposed to with toddlers, with teenagers, we've

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Speaker 1: got much more grace in when we can address issues.

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Speaker 1: We've got much more time we don't. They can reason

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Speaker 1: enough to understand that you're talking about a behavior that

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Speaker 1: happened a week ago or two weeks ago. If you're

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Speaker 1: don't address it immediately, you're not ruining their life.

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Speaker 2: You're right, although I would say with toddlers we can

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Speaker 2: actually address it later as well. We don't give toddlers

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Speaker 2: enough credit for their ability to do it. Toddles is

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Speaker 2: a different topic. I just think we get too hard

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Speaker 2: on our toddlers. We just need to distract them, find

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Speaker 2: something to amuse them and then talk in ten seconds.

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Speaker 2: You know what happened before. Just we need to be

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Speaker 2: kind like what I do with Luke.

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Speaker 3: Again, you're not giving toddlers enough.

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Speaker 1: Quest Doctor du Justin Colson, thanks for addressing this question

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Speaker 1: from Tracy. We appreciate it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, great conversation. Thanks.

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Speaker 3: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love for you to

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Speaker 3: leave a review on Itune.

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Speaker 1: Like Samantha did, I really enjoy hearing his outlook. I

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Speaker 1: grew up very differently from my children, and I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to break the cycle that my parents have given me.

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Speaker 1: I just want to have a happy family and feel

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Speaker 1: very fortunate to have found and heard these podcasts. I

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Speaker 1: can only hope I do a good job raising my

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Speaker 1: little Lee's. If I wasn't so far from him, i'd

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Speaker 1: book him here so I could hear his advice firsthand.

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Speaker 3: Well, if you'd like Justin to speak at your school

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Speaker 3: or organization, all you got to do is visit Happy

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Speaker 3: Families dot com dot au