Speaker 1: Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose
Speaker 1: lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their
Speaker 1: elders past and present.
Speaker 2: Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
Speaker 2: recorded on de rug Wallamuta Land.
Speaker 3: Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life
Speaker 3: on Cut. Laura, I know if someone slipped or something
Speaker 3: in a drink? What is wrong with you?
Speaker 4: I'm in such a good brood, which I shouldn't be.
Speaker 4: I should you should be, but this isn't. I don't
Speaker 4: think this is a good mood. I fact, you're loopy,
Speaker 4: like I've lost the put.
Speaker 3: It finally happened after four and a half years.
Speaker 4: Oh oh wait, you think you haven't lost a plot
Speaker 4: before this moment? That is in correct, That is entirely inaccurate.
Speaker 3: No, I had a real doozy of the day yesterday.
Speaker 2: I had a lot of tears. And then you know
Speaker 2: when you're upset and you have like a bad day.
Speaker 2: I'll explain the bad day another day. Today's not the day.
Speaker 1: You can't bread crumb You're crazy and not tell anyone exciting.
Speaker 3: I just had a bad day. God for ages, it's
Speaker 3: like for hours.
Speaker 2: But you know, when you've had that low, the only
Speaker 2: way to go, the only place to go after that
Speaker 2: is up. And so now I'm on the manic high. Yeah,
Speaker 2: that's where I up and.
Speaker 3: Loopy you've gone.
Speaker 1: You're on the way up, but then you've taken a
Speaker 1: bypass and then you're like doing a little circles on
Speaker 1: the way up.
Speaker 3: And then you're going to go back and continue on
Speaker 3: your journey. Well, I'm having a good time anyway. Welcome
Speaker 3: back to the podcast everyone.
Speaker 2: It is ask gun cut where we answer you deep
Speaker 2: your dark and you're burning questions.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you haven't sat in that moment, like I'm
Speaker 1: glad you haven't sat in yesterday because a lot of
Speaker 1: people get sad and then they can't get out of it.
Speaker 3: But you shot right out.
Speaker 4: Nah. I don't stay sad for long. I just get
Speaker 4: down there, mushrooms. I flirt with the sadness.
Speaker 2: I have a bad day, and then usually the next
Speaker 2: day I wake up and I'm like, cool, I'm glad
Speaker 2: we got that out of a system.
Speaker 3: Also, every so often a good cry man, it's a reset.
Speaker 3: It is a recent Well.
Speaker 4: I knows you got a new laptop because you dropped
Speaker 4: yours in a bucket of water.
Speaker 2: I did, if you listened to Tuesday's episode. I have
Speaker 2: mentioned this on my suck, but I don't think i've
Speaker 2: really explained the depths of what losing a laptop to
Speaker 2: a bottle of baby fucking bottle does to your soul,
Speaker 2: like my entire laptop. So if you miss it on
Speaker 2: the second suite of Tuesdays, when we're flying back from Byron, Lola,
Speaker 2: she's I mean, man, she shouldn't have.
Speaker 3: A bottle anymore. The kids.
Speaker 4: You know what, even at thirty, you have a drink bottle,
Speaker 4: like it's okay to have a drink bottle over.
Speaker 3: The problem is it's not one here. It's not a
Speaker 3: frank green drink bottle.
Speaker 2: It's a baby bottle, like it's a bottle that an
Speaker 2: infant should have.
Speaker 3: She's too old for it, and I know she's too
Speaker 3: old for it.
Speaker 2: They're the bottles that leak because I have a little
Speaker 2: teet and so when the air pressure comes it pushes
Speaker 2: the water.
Speaker 3: I know all this. I know she also has a dummy.
Speaker 3: I just can't be fucked.
Speaker 2: Take it off opening yourself up here. I know you
Speaker 2: can judge my terrible parenting. I don't care the bottle
Speaker 2: and the dummy thing. I was like, when she actually
Speaker 2: turns three, I'll take them offer. And I know it's
Speaker 2: really old for her to still have a bottle. She
Speaker 2: barely uses it. She just carries it around. She just
Speaker 2: likes having the option of it.
Speaker 4: You know, she just eat all right, won't get we've
Speaker 4: Jalola's drinking habits here.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 2: Makes it feel secure, I know, because I know there's
Speaker 2: going to be mums listening to this who were like,
Speaker 2: what fourteen thousand day old has a has a drink bottle?
Speaker 3: What fourteen thousand and a half day old?
Speaker 2: Okay, So I had the bottle in my bag. It
Speaker 2: exploded with the air pressure of the cabin, you know. Anyway,
Speaker 2: it went all through my laptop. Matt spent two days
Speaker 2: trying to revive my laptop. Then he'd put it in
Speaker 2: a box covered in rice. He then had the hair
Speaker 2: dryer out and was trying to dry it up. Very
Speaker 2: optimistic of him, it really was. And he was like,
Speaker 2: don't worry, baby, I'm going to save this because it
Speaker 2: had everything I needed in it. Like, there's so much
Speaker 2: of my life that's in that laptop.
Speaker 3: Well, I think the old like rice in a bucket.
Speaker 1: Thing usually works when maybe you've spilt a little bit
Speaker 1: on a phone or something. But like, it's not like
Speaker 1: throwing your laptop in the ocean and getting it back
Speaker 1: out and being like, throw some rice on.
Speaker 3: It doesn't quite work.
Speaker 2: Yeah, look, i'd like to confirm it did not work.
Speaker 2: I was optimistic. I thought things would go my way.
Speaker 2: You know, every so often the universe throws you a bone.
Speaker 2: Not today, my friend narrator, it did not go her way.
Speaker 2: It did not go my way. I ended up having
Speaker 2: to go to the Apple store and I got a
Speaker 2: new laptop, which is very sexy. It is sexy, it's
Speaker 2: a nice like it looks good, but it's pretty useless
Speaker 2: at the moment because all the things I need are
Speaker 2: not inside this. They're inside the laptop that's on my
Speaker 2: kitchen bench covered in ros.
Speaker 4: It is like being reborn, isn't It's like when you
Speaker 4: get a new phone or in your laptop and you're
Speaker 4: so used to knowing where everything is, what you've got
Speaker 4: on there, and getting a new one, it's a rebirth.
Speaker 2: Oh I'm so naked. I don't know where anything is. Also,
Speaker 2: it's very inconvenient timing, but that's okay. Maybe that added
Speaker 2: to why I was like so sad yesterday. Can I
Speaker 2: also just like, take this moment, everyone listening, wherever you are,
Speaker 2: if you're sitting in your car, if you're on the bus,
Speaker 2: if you're sitting at home, maybe you're playing this through
Speaker 2: your laptop. If you have ever had the thought over
Speaker 2: the last couple of months or weeks, god, I really
Speaker 2: need to back that up. But you didn't do it
Speaker 2: because we've all been there. We've all thought I need
Speaker 2: to do this, and then you're like, I'll just do
Speaker 2: it in the future, and then the future comes and
Speaker 2: the future looks like your laptop swimming in your handbag
Speaker 2: with a bottle of water.
Speaker 3: Just do it now, go back it up. You just
Speaker 3: reminded me.
Speaker 4: I have been getting messages for the better part the
Speaker 4: better part of six months.
Speaker 3: I've been getting these sporadic messages like literally.
Speaker 1: To my normal, I message, you owe this money, like
Speaker 1: you haven't paid this money.
Speaker 3: For tolls for like travel, And I have a linked
Speaker 3: card that I direct.
Speaker 1: Debit, right, so like you know, you get the things
Speaker 1: you stick on your window every time you go in,
Speaker 1: I have linked that to a direct debit. So I
Speaker 1: kept getting these messages and I'm like, it's obviously a
Speaker 1: scam because there were scams going around.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like click this link, pay your a toll and
Speaker 2: you're like, no, I don't need to totally automatically exactly.
Speaker 3: I mean I wouldn't know what that's like.
Speaker 2: But apparently things come out of automatically and it's so bad.
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly if you could learn something, Laura.
Speaker 1: It always came with a link to click, and I
Speaker 1: never did it because I thought once I clicked on it,
Speaker 1: you know, that's the scam.
Speaker 3: Once you click on it.
Speaker 4: Somehow in my mind, it takes all your data and
Speaker 4: knows everything about you once you follow that link.
Speaker 3: So I ignored it. I've I probably got like eighty messages.
Speaker 4: Over what span of time for a year, yeah, quite
Speaker 4: a long time. Then the messages started getting quite like
Speaker 4: more severe and aggressive, like it went from you o this,
Speaker 4: you owe this, and the price is kept going up.
Speaker 3: Please check this, you owe this?
Speaker 4: And I was like fuck, these people even blocked the
Speaker 4: number and then they started messaging it from a different number,
Speaker 4: and I was like, oh, these scammers don't get it.
Speaker 3: They're good, They're good.
Speaker 4: And I finally because I got a message on the
Speaker 4: weekend being like your details have been obtained by New
Speaker 4: South Wales law, like full on police, like we're investigating
Speaker 4: this is your case number, all this stuff, and I
Speaker 4: was like.
Speaker 3: Wow, they're going to the extreme.
Speaker 1: Debt collectors will becoming you owe this much money, and
Speaker 1: I was like, I'll just risk it.
Speaker 3: I'll just click on the link and anywhey's real. I
Speaker 3: haven't paid any of my bills for a year.
Speaker 1: I had a ridiculous amount I don't even want to
Speaker 1: say it, a ridiculous amount of tolls.
Speaker 3: That's very annoying.
Speaker 2: I know, I know, but also not your fault because
Speaker 2: we've been led to believe that any text mess that
Speaker 2: comes through from like an unauthorized numbers a scam exactly exactly.
Speaker 4: But anyway, maybe just investigate that if you guys are
Speaker 4: also getting those messages and might a should be.
Speaker 2: Real, could actually be really you could actually have a
Speaker 2: debt collector coming after you. So yesterday I find I
Speaker 2: made an appointment to go and get my skin checked.
Speaker 2: And I have been meaning to go and do this
Speaker 2: since you were talking about everything that you had done.
Speaker 2: A couple of months ago. Britt Britt went through having
Speaker 2: her skin check. Then she went through this crazy hectic
Speaker 2: peel and I, I mean, I'm glad you waited six months.
Speaker 2: I finally made the appointment. I went for my screening yesterday.
Speaker 2: I did the mole map thing, you know, when you stand,
Speaker 2: so for anyone who hasn't been, you can go and
Speaker 2: get a full body mole map thing where you stand
Speaker 2: and they take photos of like your shins, then they
Speaker 2: take photos of your mid section, then they take photos
Speaker 2: of your head, and then you turn around.
Speaker 3: Then you do the same thing. You do these random poses.
Speaker 2: Your tire body and they take photos of every single
Speaker 2: part of your body, and then they map the moles
Speaker 2: to your body so they can track how big they get,
Speaker 2: you know, how they change and everything. It's very important
Speaker 2: go to a skin clinic, like you should do this.
Speaker 2: But have you guys ever experienced going to a doctor
Speaker 2: that just has like not a bedside manner that aligns
Speaker 2: with the bedside manner in which you would expect or
Speaker 2: which you would hope for. Yeah, so with the whole
Speaker 2: mole mapping thing, you've got to be like quite naked.
Speaker 2: And then I did like the doctor's check afterwards, so
Speaker 2: I was naked except for a g string in front
Speaker 2: of and boo boobs out in front of, like a
Speaker 2: forty year old man. I didn't know he was going
Speaker 2: to be a man. I would have preferred to have
Speaker 2: chosen a female. Obviously, it doesn't matter. He sees boobs
Speaker 2: all day. But like Irofessional and my g string was
Speaker 2: like it was really old and.
Speaker 3: String was you do not even need to spell that way.
Speaker 2: It's been through an aggressive wash cycle and things are
Speaker 2: not Things.
Speaker 4: Are just not as tucked in as they used to be.
Speaker 4: I feel like everything needs more support. And I hate
Speaker 4: you look shocked and you look horrified.
Speaker 1: I'm just imagining now like a really discolored ging with
Speaker 1: your flapped out the side.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, they went out the side.
Speaker 2: They were just they were just loosely, loosely held within
Speaker 2: my highway running between two mountains. Yes, thank you, between
Speaker 2: a very c through well worn underwear as.
Speaker 1: We imagine, Not that it matters, but I've got a
Speaker 1: real visual imagine. You wouldn't have been like waxed or anything.
Speaker 2: No, because I just didn't expect that I was getting
Speaker 2: I didn't expect I was getting that naked. I also
Speaker 2: didn't expect it to be a forty year old man,
Speaker 2: I just thought because my general GP, she's a female,
Speaker 2: and never feel that all this whatever anyway, so he's
Speaker 2: checking my back.
Speaker 3: And his face very softly spoken.
Speaker 2: He speaks like this, really softly spoken, excuse me, could
Speaker 2: you please remove your pants?
Speaker 3: And I'm like, okay, this is weird.
Speaker 2: I take my pants off and he's like, could you
Speaker 2: please just remove your uh your covering.
Speaker 3: I was like, okay, so here I am removing my covering.
Speaker 2: And then the longer this went on, the weirder the
Speaker 2: quiet whispering got. It made me feel so uncomfortable because
Speaker 2: when someone speaking to you like this, I wanted him
Speaker 2: to be assertive. I wanted him to be like, Okay,
Speaker 2: now I'm going to check your back. He was like,
Speaker 2: now I'm going to check your.
Speaker 3: It wasn't a sexual experience. Tell me what you want?
Speaker 3: Hold me, yeah, tell me out. Don't you give a
Speaker 3: slap in the bit like he's a doctor.
Speaker 4: Choke me.
Speaker 3: He's like, ma'am, do you know where you are? You're
Speaker 3: in a doctor's clinic.
Speaker 4: No.
Speaker 3: This is when it got weird. So he kept telling
Speaker 3: me that I was doing a.
Speaker 2: Really good job, but he christ jan and you like
Speaker 2: every time I would you know, he would check my
Speaker 2: back and he would.
Speaker 3: Go, you're doing a really good job, okay, Jeffrey Dharma.
Speaker 3: So then he checked my boobs and he's like, you're
Speaker 3: doing a really good job.
Speaker 4: And I was like, I am so uncomfortable, But also like,
Speaker 4: what job are you doing?
Speaker 1: You're standing there naked. I's doing it really well. You
Speaker 1: stood there for you naked. You naked it so well.
Speaker 2: Why isn't that every time I go and have some
Speaker 2: sort of healthcare a boy, but it ends up just
Speaker 2: being uncomfortable and awkward. And I know there's gonna be
Speaker 2: someone listening to this and they're gonna be like, don't
Speaker 2: talk about the awkward things. We need to advocate for
Speaker 2: good health. And of course we do go and get
Speaker 2: your skin checked. I'm not saying that, but like you know,
Speaker 2: bedside matter is important, and I feel like if you're
Speaker 2: going to be checking a person naked, don't whisper at them.
Speaker 3: It makes it weirdob doing a good job. I wouldn't
Speaker 3: got my skin checked again yesterday too. That definitely did
Speaker 3: not happen. But I had a real doozy yesterday.
Speaker 4: I don't know what happened when I woke up, like
Speaker 4: I just wasn't My brain just wasn't functioning.
Speaker 3: So why were you asleep getting a skin check? Your
Speaker 3: first problem? And then he was late next to me, going,
Speaker 3: you stroking your head? Yeah? Yeah? Is that no normal?
Speaker 3: Your doctor doesn't do house Visit's no. I just woke up.
Speaker 1: My brain was all over the place. So I got
Speaker 1: up and I had a full day of like shit
Speaker 1: to get through. I had appointments, and I had errands,
Speaker 1: and I had to be out with Delilah, and obviously
Speaker 1: I had my very important coffee appointment.
Speaker 3: But it was like halfway through the.
Speaker 1: Day that I realized my pants were on backwards and
Speaker 1: I had a full on tag flapping out.
Speaker 3: And not only the tag. I had these pants that
Speaker 3: they're like bike pants.
Speaker 1: But that you know where all the information isn't written
Speaker 1: on a tag, but it's written on the material so
Speaker 1: everyone could see it.
Speaker 2: Did you not feel like there was extra room in
Speaker 2: the front and the back was really tight?
Speaker 4: No, because they weren't backwards, they were inside out.
Speaker 3: They were just so inside out.
Speaker 1: I was like, how have I been out for four
Speaker 1: hours talking to people and no one has told me?
Speaker 1: Because I'm the person. If I saw somebody like that
Speaker 1: I would tell them.
Speaker 4: I would go up to them and say, sorry, I
Speaker 4: don't want embarrass you, but like, just want you to
Speaker 4: know your pants are on inside out. I can see
Speaker 4: where you got them from. I can see that maybe
Speaker 4: Lauda janey're beautiful. I would tell somebody. But then last
Speaker 4: night we went out for a dinner and a drink,
Speaker 4: like the three of us, Keisha, Laura, and myself. And
Speaker 4: halfway through the night, Keisha leans over and she's like, oh, Brittany, sorry,
Speaker 4: you've got this black mascara or down your cheek.
Speaker 3: She's like, can I get it off? And I was like,
Speaker 3: oh my god, thank you must have just fallen. And
Speaker 3: Laura goes that or I was like, oh, I've seen that
Speaker 3: there for hours, and I said, why don't you tell me?
Speaker 3: And I was too hard, It was too hard to
Speaker 3: tell you. And I'm like, you're that person.
Speaker 4: You're the person that doesn't tell someone that they've got
Speaker 4: like a whole thing of asparagus in their teeth.
Speaker 3: I don't.
Speaker 2: And do you know why? It's not because I often forget.
Speaker 2: It's not that.
Speaker 3: You don't forget. You're looking at them.
Speaker 4: You are looking at my face being like she's got
Speaker 4: that on her face, but it's too hard to get off.
Speaker 2: No, I do forget so like, and I wonder if
Speaker 2: other people relate to this. If I see that someone
Speaker 2: has something in their teeth or they have something on
Speaker 2: their face.
Speaker 3: I'll clock it.
Speaker 2: But but wait, but wait, I clock it, but then like,
Speaker 2: it's so not a thing to me, like you having
Speaker 2: a little bit of mascara on your cheek, like I
Speaker 2: had a nice, fancy Russian I just didn't like I
Speaker 2: noticed it, but then I didn't notice it after that.
Speaker 2: And so like you're in the middle of speaking, so
Speaker 2: I didn't want to be like, oh, excuse me, you've
Speaker 2: got this on your face.
Speaker 3: I just wasn't wasn't in a presentation, in a stage.
Speaker 3: I was only talking to you, I know. But it's
Speaker 3: just like I just don't notice these things on people.
Speaker 1: I would spit on your face and wipe it off
Speaker 1: in the middle of your talking. If you had something
Speaker 1: on your face that sounded aggressive, I would lick. I
Speaker 1: would look my thumb with mo own saliva and like
Speaker 1: you know how your mum does it, and like scrubs
Speaker 1: that thing off your face.
Speaker 3: That's what I would do.
Speaker 4: Anyway, I think I learned a lot about my two
Speaker 4: closest friends last night at dinner.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think people are gonna interpret that as though
Speaker 2: that that's a bad quality. But no, I just I
Speaker 2: just don't care that much. Like if I had something else,
Speaker 2: it's not bad.
Speaker 3: You don't need to care.
Speaker 2: I need to care, you idiot, ha ha fuck fuck.
Speaker 2: I guess what I'm saying is, it's not a big
Speaker 2: deal if I had a little bit of I know,
Speaker 2: but if I had a bit of a scar on
Speaker 2: my face, it's not a big deal.
Speaker 3: Would I care if you pointed out to me. Probably not.
Speaker 3: That is a load of rubbish.
Speaker 4: You would care if you'd been walking around something on
Speaker 4: your face and you got home and I.
Speaker 3: Was like, sorry, I saw that. Therefore I was ago,
Speaker 3: but I didn't want to tell you.
Speaker 2: Guys, I've walked around with literal human shit on me
Speaker 2: before and I haven't noticed, and no one told me.
Speaker 3: So I feel like I had a turn on.
Speaker 2: I had no I had shit on my shirt, Lola
Speaker 2: shit on my shirt, and I walked around with it
Speaker 2: and no one told me, and then I thought it
Speaker 2: was cappuccino, but it wasn't.
Speaker 3: We've all been there.
Speaker 2: If you're mum, Anyway, let's get into our vibes and
Speaker 2: unsubscribes before we answer your questions. And I have a
Speaker 2: self indulgent vibe, but I don't even care because it's
Speaker 2: that time of year everybody, because I'm excited and that
Speaker 2: is that. It is Tony May's Black Friday Sale. It
Speaker 2: starts today, which is do you know what it could afford?
Speaker 3: Sound effects? Swipe up, side up, swipe up.
Speaker 2: Like I don't talk about Tony Mae much on here,
Speaker 2: and it's like this other whole business and this other
Speaker 2: whole life that takes as much mental space. It takes
Speaker 2: as much time as lifelung Cut does. But because life
Speaker 2: on Cut is so media phasing that it kind of
Speaker 2: seems like this is my number one and only thing
Speaker 2: that I do. I guess in the world of work.
Speaker 2: But Tony May has been around for fourteen years now,
Speaker 2: and the like four days is our I mean as fuck,
Speaker 2: it's crazy.
Speaker 4: It's crazy for me being associated with you, just being
Speaker 4: in your world over this time because it's the busiest,
Speaker 4: craziest time of year for you. Yeah, why Black Friday
Speaker 4: sales the biggest is it? Because you can do your
Speaker 4: Christmas shopping Like we don't even see even no.
Speaker 2: Do you know what though Black Friday is, it's obviously
Speaker 2: very Americanized, and I think some people are annoyed by
Speaker 2: it because some people are like, oh the American way,
Speaker 2: they're taking over with their Halloween and they're Black Fridays.
Speaker 3: I don't care if I get twenty five percent.
Speaker 2: Totally ill like take over if it means I'm going
Speaker 2: to get seventy percent off, shit No. But I think
Speaker 2: the reason why is because like traditionally in Australia, the
Speaker 2: biggest sales used to be Boxing Day sales, Like people
Speaker 2: used to go into the city lineup, used to see it.
Speaker 2: I remember watching the news and people would line up.
Speaker 2: Like back when I used to have my shop in Westfield,
Speaker 2: people camped out to do it at Boxing Day sale, right,
Speaker 2: and they would be in the stores at seven am,
Speaker 2: Like it was a crazy frenetic energy. But since online
Speaker 2: shopping has happened and Black Friday has been established within Australia,
Speaker 2: Boxing Day sales are actually quite disappointing now, especially if
Speaker 2: you shop in store, like they're very very average in
Speaker 2: comparison to what they used to be. And the reason
Speaker 2: why Black Friday has taken over is because people do
Speaker 2: all their pre Christmas shopping, so you actually save money.
Speaker 2: You can get all your Christmas presents now, and for
Speaker 2: every single business, and I'm talking like big businesses, but
Speaker 2: also small businesses, like businesses like Tony May. This is
Speaker 2: like when we as a business make majority of our
Speaker 2: revenue to get you through all of the quiet months
Speaker 2: like January, February, March, April, they are really shitty months
Speaker 2: for retail, and that's why you have things like Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2: That's why you have different little events that at Pepper
Speaker 2: throughout the year to try and spike retail sales.
Speaker 1: It's also so great because like the old Boxing Day sale,
Speaker 1: which you know, growing up was the biggest thing for us,
Speaker 1: Like it was huge because you do save so much money,
Speaker 1: but it sort of defeats the purpose and it was
Speaker 1: a bit unfair because people need those savings before Christmas,
Speaker 1: Like people don't want to make those savings after they've
Speaker 1: spent a motza on getting through Christmas presents, like they
Speaker 1: want it now totally.
Speaker 2: But I also, apart from just that I want it
Speaker 2: now thing, everyone talks about like Black Friday as though
Speaker 2: it is consumerist and it's like a really negative thing,
Speaker 2: which I understand right like, it does play into that,
Speaker 2: but I think it is fun or negative. It's fun
Speaker 2: more impactful if the Boxing Day sales happen after Christmas
Speaker 2: and they are the biggest sales of the year, because
Speaker 2: the reality is is that we live in a culture
Speaker 2: that's going to buy things pre Christmas anyway, and then
Speaker 2: people are buying more things post Christmas. So if you're
Speaker 2: allowing people to buy something at a discount pre Christmas,
Speaker 2: it actually then deters them from buying more once Christmas
Speaker 2: Day's past. So I actually think it does have its
Speaker 2: benefits as well. Also, I have a food comer. On
Speaker 2: Boxing Day, I.
Speaker 3: Don't want to want to shopping.
Speaker 4: I don't even want to be on my phone shopping
Speaker 4: on like the day after Christmas. I just want to
Speaker 4: be chillin with the family, enjoying some leftover ham or turkey.
Speaker 3: That's it all day.
Speaker 2: With all the things you bought on Black Riding sale
Speaker 2: from Tony May hashbag, but seventy percent off.
Speaker 3: It's great. That's that's my fave. And I promise next
Speaker 3: week I'll bring a non work vibe, so I'm wearing
Speaker 3: it now. Actually, this is Tony May. This is Tony.
Speaker 3: That's not look Away brand.
Speaker 4: They're not on sale, No, but they're quite it's nice,
Speaker 4: but these are all Tony made. Like, ninety percent of
Speaker 4: what I'm wearing right now is Tony made. Ninety percent
Speaker 4: of what I always wear is Tony. Mate, if ever
Speaker 4: wear something else, Laura is like, where's that from?
Speaker 3: Trader Trader? Yeah? Poor, Hey, well I my vibe this
Speaker 3: week is believe it or not, it's not true crime.
Speaker 3: It's not a TV show.
Speaker 1: It is something very domestic because I am ten percent
Speaker 1: of the time a domestic goddess.
Speaker 3: Nine So that's that's my ratio. Wait, what was your ratio?
Speaker 4: Just and I mised it ten percent domestic goddess ninety
Speaker 4: percent slot.
Speaker 3: Yeah, No, I think that that's a pretty fast accurate.
Speaker 3: I think that's good.
Speaker 2: I think I mean every so oftan shall have a
Speaker 2: burst of energy. You're looking at your life.
Speaker 3: That's accurate. I feel like ten percent is a particularly
Speaker 3: poor number.
Speaker 4: Think if I think I'm less than that, suck you
Speaker 4: true man. You know to do?
Speaker 1: Because I have a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment for myself.
Speaker 3: It is old.
Speaker 4: It is by no mean lush, So it does I
Speaker 4: feel like old places look dirty and sloby quicker too.
Speaker 2: Also, for anyone who's new who doesn't know the backstory
Speaker 2: of BRIT's apartment, I know most of you do. But
Speaker 2: like Matt and I lived in that apartment. We conceived
Speaker 2: our children in that apartment. Lola used to live in
Speaker 2: a fold out cot in the hallway in that apartment. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I have a problem with you saying conceived. You could
Speaker 2: just say we had our first two kids. We conceived.
Speaker 3: We fucked all over that house. He came the love,
Speaker 3: he came inside me. He came in here here when
Speaker 3: his sperm made its way, slid it into my egg,
Speaker 3: swam all the way into my Filippian tubes. And it
Speaker 3: doesn't do that, does it? That's bad? But I'm just
Speaker 3: not into.
Speaker 2: If it sims into your Filippian tubes, you're in trouble.
Speaker 2: Does no, I think it's.
Speaker 3: Your filopian tubes.
Speaker 4: Go to your ovaries, guys, I thought it siems Wait wait,
Speaker 4: does it swim into your filopian tubes?
Speaker 2: Fertilized the egg at the source and then it goes
Speaker 2: down as the uterus orders it already implant, and then
Speaker 2: it does make its way down all then delete that
Speaker 2: because I sound stupid.
Speaker 3: The embryo does need to make its journey back down.
Speaker 3: How do we get here? What is your domestic what
Speaker 3: is your vibe? What I was going to say is, yes,
Speaker 3: I'm Keisha to appease you.
Speaker 1: I'm more on the messy side because what I do
Speaker 1: is like, once a room gets too messy and I
Speaker 1: can't be won to clean, I just go to the
Speaker 1: next one, so I have Once one bathroom gets too dirty,
Speaker 1: I know I have another clean one, so I go
Speaker 1: to that, and then when they're both messy, that's when
Speaker 1: I have to do the clean.
Speaker 4: Anyway, that's irrelevant, that's just my ratio. I'm talking about
Speaker 4: nine ifcent lob Instead of like a.
Speaker 1: Binge eetter, I'm a binge cleaner, So like I'll do
Speaker 1: it sporadically and I'll clean to the nth degree, Like
Speaker 1: i will scrub every.
Speaker 3: Nook and cranny. I binge it. You know, do you
Speaker 3: angry clean? Because this is what I do.
Speaker 2: I like let my house get into such disarray and
Speaker 2: then when I have to clean it, I'm angry that
Speaker 2: I'm cleaning it. So then I'm like wandering around the
Speaker 2: house in an angry fit of cleaning, and then I'm
Speaker 2: angry at Matt because I'm cleaning and he's not cleaning
Speaker 2: at the exact time that I want to clean.
Speaker 3: Cleaning makes me mad.
Speaker 4: I stress clean, like when I'm really stressed about stuff.
Speaker 4: I think it's like a ConTroll thing. They do relate
Speaker 4: it back to anxiety. Anyway, watch vibe.
Speaker 3: I want to contribute to this too. I domino clean.
Speaker 1: So when I domino cleaning in terms of like, once
Speaker 1: I start one thing, then it goes on. So if
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I'll just follow these clothes and put
Speaker 1: them away, then I'm in there and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: while I'm in there, I'll clean the cupt Then I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: now you.
Speaker 3: Know it's a domino effect.
Speaker 1: Anyway, this is actually genuinely life changing for I think anyone.
Speaker 1: Ben even came like last week and he was like,
Speaker 1: I'm going to go buy one of these. He's like,
Speaker 1: this is fucking so good. It is just a very tiny,
Speaker 1: the size slightly bigger than your hand, a handheld portable
Speaker 1: steamer that is like almost single use. So it's got
Speaker 1: this tiny little water thing. It is the best thing
Speaker 1: I have ever had. It heats up in about five seconds,
Speaker 1: so you feel this tiny little jug of water stick
Speaker 1: it in it. It is so portable you could take
Speaker 1: it overseas with you if you want it, and it
Speaker 1: takes three seconds to heat up.
Speaker 3: It comes with a hangar.
Speaker 4: It's amazing, And it's like, I'm not even recommending a brand.
Speaker 4: I'm recommending these handheld steamers. You will never get your
Speaker 4: ironing board out again because it takes five seconds in
Speaker 4: and out and you're done, takes five seconds to cool down,
Speaker 4: you put it away.
Speaker 3: It's actually the best thing I've ever bought. Hang On, Sorry,
Speaker 3: I'm confused. Is this a garment steamer or is this
Speaker 3: a cleaning? No, a garment steamer? How did I get
Speaker 3: there from cleaning?
Speaker 4: Because Keisha called me up when I gave you my
Speaker 4: ratio of slobbiness, so I wanted to expand on that.
Speaker 3: What I am.
Speaker 4: Recommending is just these tiny handheld steamers. If you travel
Speaker 4: a lot, even like domestically, It's just absolutely changed my life.
Speaker 4: So that is my vibe Amazon, tiny little baby handheld steamer.
Speaker 2: Anyway, Kishi give us a more and more intelligent than
Speaker 2: both of us.
Speaker 3: Well, there is nothing wrong with a handheld steamer. Though
Speaker 3: there is nothing wrong, but this was a dick of
Speaker 3: both of us.
Speaker 2: I'm more meant, what can people learn from how can
Speaker 2: they grow as a person?
Speaker 3: Okay, that's not what vibe is, but you know what
Speaker 3: they will be.
Speaker 2: They will be covered in good jewels and they'll have
Speaker 2: freshly steam clothes.
Speaker 4: They will be presentable to be fair, am I allowed
Speaker 4: to have two really quick?
Speaker 3: Okay?
Speaker 4: So the first one actually came from one of our
Speaker 4: wonderful life is and it was after you and I
Speaker 4: Laura just last Tuesday discussed me being diagnosed with ADHD.
Speaker 3: So it's called Habit Tracker.
Speaker 4: It's an app, and I think you can get a
Speaker 4: free version, but pay once forever version was nine ninety nine,
Speaker 4: so I was like, it's ten bucks whatever, I'll give
Speaker 4: it a crack. You basically can go through this list
Speaker 4: of habits that you're trying to either do or things
Speaker 4: that you're trying to quit, and you select the ones
Speaker 4: that you want, Like so for myself, I've got five.
Speaker 4: I've got stretch, read a book, sleep, early, exercise, walk,
Speaker 4: drink water.
Speaker 3: That's six anyway, So.
Speaker 4: You set the goals that you want, and you can
Speaker 4: set certain alarms for particular days. So I'll have the
Speaker 4: drink water three leaves of water for every day, but
Speaker 4: I've only got the sleep early for like the days
Speaker 4: that are not the weekends. I'm finding it so so useful.
Speaker 3: I'm absolutely loving it.
Speaker 4: It's just this little tiny reminder, and it's things that
Speaker 4: I really want to like try and work on.
Speaker 1: What makes it different to where you would just put
Speaker 1: your reminders in reminder app or Google calendar?
Speaker 4: So I think you have to I don't know if
Speaker 4: there surely would be away, but I don't know how
Speaker 4: to do it. You'd have to like copy paste it
Speaker 4: onto every day, whereas this is an app.
Speaker 3: That's like set up to do it every day.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, so you don't have to put it in
Speaker 4: your Google calendar. I mean, I'm sure you could do that,
Speaker 4: but I'm not that text savvy.
Speaker 2: What do you want to achieve through this? What's the
Speaker 2: plant she wants to stretch on Wednesday? She wants I
Speaker 2: perpetually forgetful, and I'm always kind of like, oh, I
Speaker 2: really want to be working on that, but I forget
Speaker 2: about it and then I don't really make it a priority.
Speaker 4: So this makes me have a reminder. So it's just
Speaker 4: that little reminder. I get one at twelve o'clock to
Speaker 4: make me drink more water. I get one at nine
Speaker 4: o'clock to tell me to start winding down, Like I'm
Speaker 4: finding it really useful, a really good.
Speaker 3: I think that this sort of stuff makes me feel
Speaker 3: more overloaded.
Speaker 4: Sometimes you can, Yeah, sometimes if you're not achieving them,
Speaker 4: I think that's why you've got to make them realistic.
Speaker 1: I think my problem is this stuff doesn't It doesn't
Speaker 1: work for me because I'll get a reminder come through,
Speaker 1: Like if I don't want to do it, it doesn't make
Speaker 1: me do it. I just cancel the reminder and stay
Speaker 1: on the lounge like I'm really bad.
Speaker 3: That's called discipline.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just feel like if I want, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm just a different I guess it's one of
Speaker 1: those things right where it's not for everyone. It's not
Speaker 1: everyone doesn't work in the same capacity, which is probably
Speaker 1: great for you and those with ADHD who need that structure.
Speaker 2: I think it also comes down to two things. One,
Speaker 2: how much you want the habit in the first place.
Speaker 2: How much you actually want Like we often convince ourselves
Speaker 2: we want to do things, but we don't actually want
Speaker 2: to do the thing we want the end results, So
Speaker 2: like when it comes to like news resolutions, everyone's always
Speaker 2: like I want to lose time kilos, but no one's
Speaker 2: saying I want to exercise every day. So if your
Speaker 2: intention is that you want to exercise every day, not
Speaker 2: that you just want the end goal of it, then
Speaker 2: you're more inclined to actually enact the habit. But also,
Speaker 2: Britt like, you're the person who ignored a debt collector
Speaker 2: messaging you every day for a year, so they could
Speaker 2: probably am.
Speaker 1: Not the reminded me every day And I was like, Yank,
Speaker 1: you're probably not the reminder Queen.
Speaker 3: Can I sneak on really quickly?
Speaker 4: And because Laura and I discussed this and that was
Speaker 4: a very very interesting conversation. It is an episode of
Speaker 4: The Daily Oz and it's called why a war crime
Speaker 4: whistle blow up might go to jail?
Speaker 3: So this is from a couple of years ago.
Speaker 4: There's a guy called David McBride and he was in
Speaker 4: the army.
Speaker 3: He was a major. I'm not exactly sure of his role. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it's really interesting this.
Speaker 4: Yeah, essentially he was the whistleblower who said that there
Speaker 4: were Australian soldiers doing unlawful things. And there are a
Speaker 4: couple of levels that he went to, you know, within
Speaker 4: the military, kind of telling them that this is what
Speaker 4: was going on, and essentially he was like, they're not
Speaker 4: doing anything about it, and he eventually went to the
Speaker 4: media and that's how we had all these Remember a
Speaker 4: couple of years ago I went to these war crimes
Speaker 4: by Australians were exposed.
Speaker 3: The same time, there's a lot of sexual assault and
Speaker 3: stuff being exposed.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it was horrible. Anyway, that guy is now facing
Speaker 4: trial because he's disclosed secret information and there are laws
Speaker 4: in Australia that are meant to protect whistleblowers, but for
Speaker 4: some reason, this guy is not essentially covered by them.
Speaker 4: So this court case is happening right now. It is
Speaker 4: very very interesting because something that they brought up on
Speaker 4: the podcast m gillespie if you know her, she hosted
Speaker 4: this particular episode essentially, so there was this conversation between
Speaker 4: her and the person she was interviewing, and it brought
Speaker 4: up the question of like, if we don't allow whistleblowers
Speaker 4: to be protected, this is a threat to protra See
Speaker 4: if you don't have a place where people can go
Speaker 4: and talk about the wrong things that are happening within
Speaker 4: whatever organization. They work for and you're going to protect them.
Speaker 4: I think it's really damaging and it's quite dangerous to
Speaker 4: talk about what people are able to get away with.
Speaker 1: What it does do as well is obviously just deters
Speaker 1: anyone from ever coming forwardever again. Yeah, I was like, well, okay,
Speaker 1: well you know, I'm not gonna go on fighting justice
Speaker 1: to jail exactly.
Speaker 2: That's the fear of it. That's exactly the point. That's
Speaker 2: exactly why governments do it. I think that this is
Speaker 2: such an interesting recommendation. I know, we had a really
Speaker 2: great chat about it, and for anyone who does remember,
Speaker 2: I mean you can google it. There were videos and
Speaker 2: footage of one of the soldiers drinking out of a
Speaker 2: prosthetic leg. They were carrying it around like a trophy.
Speaker 2: And this is all circulating from around the time when
Speaker 2: Australia had a really strong military pool over the Middle East.
Speaker 2: I mean, this is ongoing, but it does make you
Speaker 2: question like who is the person that should be reprimanded.
Speaker 2: Is that the people who are there who are creating
Speaker 2: the war crimes, or is it the whistleblower? And it
Speaker 2: seems like it's a misdirection of anger at the moment. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so this particular episode, like the Daily is what they do.
Speaker 2: They do the news bulletins at the start, and then
Speaker 2: they do a deep dive the episode. The whole episode
Speaker 2: on that goes for sixteen minutes, so it's not like
Speaker 2: this is not going to take you long to get through.
Speaker 3: But for me it was very, very interesting.
Speaker 2: It's snackable yea, yeah, totally, and we'll put the links
Speaker 2: to that in the show notes. Anyway, let's get into
Speaker 2: answering all your questions.
Speaker 3: Question number one.
Speaker 2: Hi, I'm forty nine and I have been divorced for
Speaker 2: three years after a twenty six year marriage. I'm quite
Speaker 2: content on my own and I have great friends, but
Speaker 2: I recently decided to try online dating just to see
Speaker 2: what it's all about and to have some male company.
Speaker 2: And my profile says nothing serious anyway. I've been catching
Speaker 2: up with one gentleman once a month for dinner and sex.
Speaker 3: He is really lovely.
Speaker 2: Last weekend I went on a date with a different
Speaker 2: guy and he was wonderful too. My problem is can
Speaker 2: I date two guys at the same time. I'm starting
Speaker 2: to feel really guilty. The first guy probably wouldn't mind
Speaker 2: that much, but the second guy would hate it.
Speaker 3: Do I have to tell them about each other?
Speaker 1: Absolutely, you need to be getting all that d You
Speaker 1: can date as many people as you want, especially off
Speaker 1: the back of a twenty sixty marriage. Like I think
Speaker 1: you deserve that, you deserve to go and how to
Speaker 1: deserve it. You deserve the experience and you don't owe
Speaker 1: anybody anything.
Speaker 3: Absolutely not.
Speaker 1: And I understand why you're asking this because you have
Speaker 1: been out of the dating game for twenty six years.
Speaker 1: You've been married, so I mean, you don't know if
Speaker 1: it's quote unquote rules or dating etiquette, and there is
Speaker 1: dating etiquette for sure. Once you have a conversation with
Speaker 1: one of these men, like this is very casual.
Speaker 3: I think you said once a month, want me to
Speaker 3: the other guy?
Speaker 2: No, the other guy she's gone on dates with and
Speaker 2: she likes him and she wants to know she can
Speaker 2: date the both.
Speaker 1: You do not need to tell him unless you want to,
Speaker 1: or you obviously have the exclusive chat or he asks
Speaker 1: you outright, because I don't think you should be lying.
Speaker 1: If he says, like, you know, are you seeing anyone
Speaker 1: Else'd be like yeah, I mean yeah, sometimes nothing serious,
Speaker 1: but I am, you know, exploring my options.
Speaker 3: And then if.
Speaker 1: The conversation that enshees off the back of that is
Speaker 1: I don't feel comfortable with that.
Speaker 3: Well, then you need to have a conversation and.
Speaker 4: Decide whether you are ready to get into an exclusive
Speaker 4: relationship again or not. And that is your boundary and
Speaker 4: your prerogative. One hundred percent.
Speaker 2: I agree, I agree, I agree, but I all so
Speaker 2: have slight disagreements. And the only reason why is because
Speaker 2: I do think if you are saying, like you know
Speaker 2: that he would be not okay with it, that must
Speaker 2: be because he has explained what he's looking for. Maybe
Speaker 2: he said he's looking for something serious, maybe he's looking
Speaker 2: for an exclusive relationship, whatever it is. If you know
Speaker 2: that he is gonna hate it, then that is because
Speaker 2: he's been in some way led to believe that it's
Speaker 2: the alternate. Right, Lauria is controlling or totally which is
Speaker 2: why a very honest conversation needs to be had. So
Speaker 2: like an honest conversation around, not around, and I don't
Speaker 2: mean around I'm dating this person, I've got this, and
Speaker 2: thiss going on an honest conversation around what you want
Speaker 2: and what you're looking for, and if that is something
Speaker 2: that is not exclusive, then I do think it is
Speaker 2: important to say, Look, this is where I'm at in
Speaker 2: my dating relationship experience. I'm out of a divorce, I've
Speaker 2: just recently started dating again. I'm not looking for anything serious.
Speaker 2: So if you're wanting a committed relationship where there's nothing
Speaker 2: else going on, then maybe I'm not the right person
Speaker 2: for you. I mean, I kind of think that it
Speaker 2: can lead you into more problems if you're dating people
Speaker 2: who think that you're exclusive.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I'm going to strongly disagree on this
Speaker 1: purely because you've been on one date with this guy
Speaker 1: and you've already said you know he's going to hate it, Like,
Speaker 1: you do not owe this guy anything after one date.
Speaker 4: Oh no, I agree, you don't owe him shit after
Speaker 4: one day. So you do not have to have that
Speaker 4: conversation with him. Absolutely not if you want to move
Speaker 4: forward with him and the conversation comes up organically. But
Speaker 4: just so you know, you don't have to go on one
Speaker 4: date with someone and then tell them everything about you
Speaker 4: and say I'm seeing somebody else. Is you know if
Speaker 4: you know after one date with someone you have just
Speaker 4: met them, If you know after one date that they
Speaker 4: will hate if you see anyone else they're gonna be
Speaker 4: putting a red.
Speaker 3: Flag up for me, just so just so you're aware.
Speaker 1: So I genuinely think you don't owe anyone anything at
Speaker 1: this stage, and I think you can date two people
Speaker 1: at once.
Speaker 2: I have a question for you, though. Okay, So just
Speaker 2: say you meet someone online and they are clear with you.
Speaker 2: They're like, I'm looking for a relationship, Like just say
Speaker 2: somebody's like, I'm putting it all out there in the
Speaker 2: world what i want in a person and what I
Speaker 2: want in my dating life so that I don't have
Speaker 2: people wasting my time. They're like, you know, hey, I
Speaker 2: like you, you seem great. What I'm looking for is a relationship.
Speaker 2: I'm looking for someone who wants to do life with me.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 2: Is that you I don't know, but that's what I'm
Speaker 2: looking for. Is that something that you're open for?
Speaker 3: You know?
Speaker 2: Is that where you're at in life? Are you looking
Speaker 2: for something that's exclusive? If you're not, if you're at
Speaker 2: the place where she is, you're looking for no strings attached,
Speaker 2: You're looking for, you know, dating experiences, you're looking for fun.
Speaker 2: Do you think that there is a moral obligation to
Speaker 2: be truthful to that person who is putting out there
Speaker 2: what they are looking for in the world, or do
Speaker 2: you think Yeah, I do think so.
Speaker 4: I think if someone has said I'm looking to you know,
Speaker 4: I'm trying to find my life partner and have kids,
Speaker 4: and you know, you want to fuck once and then
Speaker 4: that's it, I think it's important that you also say, hey,
Speaker 4: I'm happy to meet up with you, but I'm.
Speaker 1: Not looking for anything serious. And that's why I reiterate
Speaker 1: my point. My opinion is that she has literally done
Speaker 1: all the right thing. She said, I am not looking
Speaker 1: for anything serious that's on her dating side.
Speaker 3: She's done that.
Speaker 4: She's been on one date with this guy, and she
Speaker 4: knows that he's not gonna like her.
Speaker 3: Seeing anyone else red flag, Yeah, I probably wouldn't go
Speaker 3: and that person. Again.
Speaker 2: To be honest, I mean there are people who though
Speaker 2: and like, this is just a different way of dating,
Speaker 2: especially if you're looking for, like, you know, a long
Speaker 2: term exclusive relationship. There's like two different ways you can
Speaker 2: go about it. Fill your egg, don't get too attached
Speaker 2: to any one person, you know, like fill your egg.
Speaker 3: Fill you don't feel your Easter basket. We do not
Speaker 3: fill your.
Speaker 2: Egg because you will then have a baby that was
Speaker 2: not the plan. Fill your basket, date lots of people,
Speaker 2: expose yourself to lots of things, and then you might
Speaker 2: figure out what it is that you want. The other
Speaker 2: way in which people approach dating, especially if the after
Speaker 2: like a long term partner, is not to fill your
Speaker 2: basket with too many people, because then it's like you
Speaker 2: don't actually get to connect with anyone person. You're kind
Speaker 2: of like it's like a scattergun approach and you kind
Speaker 2: of are like, oh, what's next, what's better? You're constantly comparing.
Speaker 2: So I think the approach to dating is different depending
Speaker 2: on what you want the outcome to be. If you're
Speaker 2: wanting a long term relationship, I would say date less
Speaker 2: people get to know them quickly. I do not quickly,
Speaker 2: but like get to know whether they are potential or
Speaker 2: not and then discard. That sounds so mean, but like
Speaker 2: move on if they're not the right person, feed, give
Speaker 2: them in the bin once you finish, rather than if
Speaker 2: you're trying to look for someone who's like a serious relationship,
Speaker 2: dating lots of people and not actually being able to
Speaker 2: go deep with any single person because you're trying to
Speaker 2: like expread yourself too thin. But if you are dating
Speaker 2: for casualness. If you are dating for this, like you know,
Speaker 2: getting back out there, this spontaneity, this enjoying life, then
Speaker 2: I think there is absolutely no limit in terms of
Speaker 2: how many people you can date. But I do think
Speaker 2: the honesty will make you feel less guilty about it.
Speaker 2: The fact that you feel guilty comes from this feeling
Speaker 2: of like you are keeping something.
Speaker 3: I think.
Speaker 1: I don't think the fact that she feels guilty is
Speaker 1: because she's keeping something. I think the fact she feels
Speaker 1: guilty is she's been a monogamous relationship for twenty six
Speaker 1: years and she hasn't been in the dating world. So
Speaker 1: to answer your question, no, you do not need to
Speaker 1: tell these two men that you have, you know, been
Speaker 1: on one date with one and very casually with the other.
Speaker 1: You do not need to tell them because chances are
Speaker 1: they are too. The second guy probably isn't because he
Speaker 1: seems a bit like well. But once it's broad up organically,
Speaker 1: either you're going to bring it up because you're going
Speaker 1: to get to a point where you don't want them
Speaker 1: to be with somebody else, or they're going to bring
Speaker 1: it up because they don't want you to be with
Speaker 1: someone else. But you have to make sure that that
Speaker 1: happens in a healthy way and a healthy timeframe.
Speaker 3: Totally, absolutely. Question number two.
Speaker 1: My partner of three years has told me if I
Speaker 1: don't put out more, he's going to leave me. We
Speaker 1: are both early thirties, and his number one priority in
Speaker 1: a relationship is sex.
Speaker 3: We currently have.
Speaker 1: Sex twice a week, and that isn't enough for him.
Speaker 1: He told me our sex life is shit and makes
Speaker 1: him unhappy, and people our age should be having sex
Speaker 1: all the time. I have vaginismus, which is getting better,
Speaker 1: but I just don't find sex enjoyable. I cannot orgasm
Speaker 1: from penetration and it can be very uncomfortable, but I
Speaker 1: still do it for him. He has said everything else
Speaker 1: in our relationship is perfect, but the reason we are
Speaker 1: not engaged is because of the sex. He doesn't want
Speaker 1: a sexless marriage and it plays on his mind. His
Speaker 1: number one priority in a relationship is sex, and he
Speaker 1: said ours is shit. I feel really low about this.
Speaker 3: Oh, my god, of course you feel low about this.
Speaker 3: That is horrific.
Speaker 4: But oh and if anyone's real number one priority in
Speaker 4: a relationship is sex for me, red flag?
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, like not even a red flag like fucking
Speaker 3: be done.
Speaker 4: Yeah, red flag Like yeah, oh sorry, red flag, They're
Speaker 4: burned down.
Speaker 2: I'm deeply offended by this because it's okay for sex
Speaker 2: to be a very important part of your relationship. I
Speaker 2: understand that it's very important to sexually be on the
Speaker 2: same page, But to say that sex is the most
Speaker 2: important thing and the most important thing that your partner
Speaker 2: prioritizes means that I would not be getting married to
Speaker 2: that person because sex does not have longevity without any
Speaker 2: ebbs and flows in a relationship. What happens when or
Speaker 2: if you decide to have children, What happens when and
Speaker 2: if work becomes really stressful, Like are you still expected
Speaker 2: to constantly put out to satisfy this entirely insatiable sexual
Speaker 2: urge that he has? And then what happens when you
Speaker 2: aren't physically capable of doing that? Does he then go
Speaker 2: and look for sex elsewhere? Like that's something that he
Speaker 2: needs to unpacking himself and work out, like his sex
Speaker 2: drive And whether or not it matches what you're able
Speaker 2: to give in the relationship, and the fact that you
Speaker 2: have you have vaginismus, the fact that you have been
Speaker 2: open about it, the fact that this is something that
Speaker 2: is painful for you.
Speaker 3: That is hard for you.
Speaker 2: You require someone who is even more empathetic around your
Speaker 2: sexual abilities and what you're able to give. You need
Speaker 2: to be made to feel safe and secure in a
Speaker 2: relationship in order to overcome your vaginismas rather than have
Speaker 2: someone who whose expectation is sex from you regardless. Like
Speaker 2: for me, there's such an immense lack of empathy here.
Speaker 2: There is an immense lack and mismatching priorities of what
Speaker 2: is important.
Speaker 3: He's putting his own.
Speaker 2: Satisfaction above your health, and above your needs, and above
Speaker 2: your wants, and above your feelings of validation. And there
Speaker 2: is no wonder why you feel like shit. I can't
Speaker 2: imagine that there's anyone out there who has their partner
Speaker 2: tell them that they think their sex life is shit
Speaker 2: and that's the reason why they won't make a long
Speaker 2: term commitment to them that would not feel like an
Speaker 2: absolute piece of shit.
Speaker 3: That's how he's making you feel.
Speaker 1: Also, spoiler people your age and not having sex all
Speaker 1: the time, like he said, like he's like everyone else
Speaker 1: my age is having our age is having sex all
Speaker 1: the time.
Speaker 3: They're not.
Speaker 1: Age actually has nothing to do with it. It's where
Speaker 1: you are in a relationship and who you are as
Speaker 1: two people? How old are they again the early thirties?
Speaker 1: Fuck that and together for three years?
Speaker 4: And he's like, people, Yeah, I mean you're having sex
Speaker 4: twice a week? Like great from it's not incuprecious, Yeah,
Speaker 4: from like a committed, normal monogamous relationship.
Speaker 2: Obviously everybody is different. Some people having sex five times
Speaker 2: a week. Some people are having sex once a fortnite.
Speaker 2: Some people aren't even doing that, you know, Like it
Speaker 2: is so varied and for him to say that there's
Speaker 2: a benchmark for comparison, it doesn't matter what other people
Speaker 2: are doing. It's got to do with what is comfortable
Speaker 2: in your relationship.
Speaker 3: And I would.
Speaker 2: Say you are, especially for someone who's vaginismus, you are
Speaker 2: more than coming to the table by doing it twice
Speaker 2: a week. And like, doesn't mean that you can do
Speaker 2: other things. Can you be sexual together, like you know,
Speaker 2: could you do other things that aren't penetrative sex, yes,
Speaker 2: but right you could be having more intimate moments throughout
Speaker 2: the week rather than it just being sex twice a week.
Speaker 3: And that's kind of wheen Ben, thank you, ma'am.
Speaker 2: But the thing is is, do not feel guilty about
Speaker 2: the fact that you don't want to be more sexual
Speaker 2: with him when he is making you feel guilty about sex,
Speaker 2: because that is not going to inside in anyone the motivation,
Speaker 2: the desire, the want to have more or to do
Speaker 2: more for their partner. The more that you feel like
Speaker 2: you're doing a bad job, the more you feel like
Speaker 2: he's not enjoying it or like you're failing in this
Speaker 2: aspect of the relationship, the less you're gonna want to
Speaker 2: do it as well, because, like you know, I think
Speaker 2: we all thrive on positive affirmation. We all thrive on
Speaker 2: feeling loved and connected. That's when women feel safe. And
Speaker 2: I remember Esther Perell when we're talking about desire with her,
Speaker 2: she was like, four play doesn't start the second you
Speaker 2: get in the bedroom. Four plays starts the second that
Speaker 2: the last time you had sex ended. What did he
Speaker 2: do that day that made you feel special? What did
Speaker 2: he do that day that made you feel desired? What
Speaker 2: were the things that led up to making you want
Speaker 2: to have sex with him, making you want to be
Speaker 2: intimate with him? And I would say, if anything, the
Speaker 2: way in which he's speaking to you around sex only
Speaker 2: diminishes everything else.
Speaker 3: And so it makes me sure. We're angry for me.
Speaker 3: There's two parts to this question. The first part.
Speaker 1: Is that you currently have a mismatch in your sexual compatibility,
Speaker 1: which normally I would say normal, Fine, you can work
Speaker 1: on that. You can deal with that because it's not
Speaker 1: uncommon for people to have different sexual desires, sexual wants,
Speaker 1: sexual frequency.
Speaker 3: That's a pretty standard thing.
Speaker 1: We know that from how many psychologists and sex therapists
Speaker 1: we've spoken to. That is something you could go and
Speaker 1: work on together, and like you said, Laura.
Speaker 3: Do it in a different capacity.
Speaker 1: The second part of this, and this is the problem part,
Speaker 1: is that his number one priority in the.
Speaker 3: Relationship is sex.
Speaker 1: And sometimes we need to say this out loud to ourselves,
Speaker 1: or sometimes we need to have someone else say it
Speaker 1: to you. You are saying that his priority and his
Speaker 1: desire for sex outweighs your physics equal pain and your
Speaker 1: mental pain. Like you are saying, this is painful for me,
Speaker 1: and he's saying, give me more. I need more. I
Speaker 1: can't marry you if you don't give me more. To me,
Speaker 1: that's fucking wild. And sometimes, like I said, you do
Speaker 1: need it spelled out to you. I do really feel
Speaker 1: for you in this situation because you've been with him
Speaker 1: for three years and you obviously love him, and it's
Speaker 1: hard to it's hard to look at someone that you
Speaker 1: love that's close to you like maybe they aren't the
Speaker 1: right person, or maybe they're not treating you the way
Speaker 1: they want, because he might treat you really well in
Speaker 1: other ways. So we tend to hold onto those really
Speaker 1: positive things and say, but he does all this for me,
Speaker 1: like he cooks me dinner every single night. You know,
Speaker 1: we grasp onto these things to sort of balance the
Speaker 1: things that we know actually aren't okay. And you have
Speaker 1: to ask yourself if you know for you that you
Speaker 1: are not going to be able to have sex every day,
Speaker 1: and not only not not going to be able to,
Speaker 1: but you don't want to for a multitude of reasons.
Speaker 3: It physically hurts you.
Speaker 4: He's not initiating the intimate desire that you need, like
Speaker 4: he's doing anything else around that.
Speaker 1: If you know that that's what your life looks like.
Speaker 1: And he's blatantly like I want to fuck every day
Speaker 1: or I'm not going to marry you, this could be
Speaker 1: a really hard pill to swallow. But there's a really
Speaker 1: hard conversation that needs to happen and then a.
Speaker 3: Really big decision.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, and I can we not skim over the fact
Speaker 2: because it is so important that he is using marriage,
Speaker 2: like he is using an engagement, something that he knows
Speaker 2: you want, as a manipulative tool to make you do
Speaker 2: something that you don't want to do. So he's like,
Speaker 2: I won't marry you unless you have more sex with me,
Speaker 2: because I want to ensure that sex is something that
Speaker 2: is the number one thing in our relationship. So he
Speaker 2: already is using something that should not be about sex
Speaker 2: to manipulate you to do something you don't want.
Speaker 3: It is very fucking wrong. It's horrid.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's emotionally manipulative, it's physically manipulative, and all it's
Speaker 2: doing is eroding your self esteem and eroding your boundaries.
Speaker 2: And like, we have these conversations with you guys as
Speaker 2: tho we're friends, and like we get these messages and
Speaker 2: we're like, oh, like this is what I say to
Speaker 2: my best friend. But I also think sometimes in these situations,
Speaker 2: you need to go and speak to an external third party,
Speaker 2: like go and have these conversations with a relationship therapist,
Speaker 2: go and have these conversations with your own therapist, because
Speaker 2: I would really be so concerned if you were to
Speaker 2: marry this person, if you were to get engaged when
Speaker 2: this mismatching priorities is so so huge, and that he
Speaker 2: doesn't have the empathy or the care for how you
Speaker 2: feel and what you're going through and prioritizes his own
Speaker 2: physical needs above that.
Speaker 4: Again, it's not that he wants more sex. That's not
Speaker 4: the problem, because like I've been in relationships before where
Speaker 4: where I've said, hey, like, you know, what do you
Speaker 4: think about trying to increase how much sex we have
Speaker 4: or how much intimacy have because I've been in a
Speaker 4: stage where I've wanted it more.
Speaker 3: But it's the way he's gone about it that's the problem.
Speaker 1: Like there are always going to be times, ebbs and
Speaker 1: flows in a relationship that each of you are going
Speaker 1: to come to the table and maybe one day your
Speaker 1: vaginismus is going to get better and you're going to
Speaker 1: feel like it and you're going to want it, and
Speaker 1: maybe he is going to be too tired from work,
Speaker 1: Like these are normal conversations to have. The the way
Speaker 1: he's doing it is fucked and it is not normal.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I feel we're both so angry about this. The only
Speaker 2: other part that like, I come back to it. I
Speaker 2: know we kind of touched it at the beginning, but
Speaker 2: there's some really important conversations to be had around how
Speaker 2: are you going to navigate the periods of life where
Speaker 2: sex just can't be a priority, because that's going to
Speaker 2: happen to you. Like, I can't stress enough how much
Speaker 2: my sex life with Matt change once we had kids.
Speaker 2: It has never been the same, and it may be
Speaker 2: we still have really young kids. We're still on crazy
Speaker 2: sleep cycles. Like we still have to try and do
Speaker 2: it when the kids are napping so that they don't
Speaker 2: walk in on us, right, Like, there's definitely a lot
Speaker 2: of limitations once you are juggling careers and children. You
Speaker 2: may never have children, you may not want them, But
Speaker 2: if you do, what does your relationship look like when
Speaker 2: you're no longer able to have sex with him in
Speaker 2: the way that he wants. How is he going to
Speaker 2: punish you? Like, how is he going to show up
Speaker 2: in that relationship? What is that going to look like?
Speaker 2: They're really big conversations if this is the most important
Speaker 2: thing to him, because ultimately, what you can sustain now
Speaker 2: will not be this in the future, and you need
Speaker 2: someone one who is strapped in on the right of
Speaker 2: life and cares about all the other amazing qualities that
Speaker 2: you have that you can bring to the table more
Speaker 2: so so that it doesn't deteriorate the relationship. We actually
Speaker 2: had a full conversation around vaginismus as well with Jesse Stevens,
Speaker 2: and she speaks about relationships that she'd been in where
Speaker 2: she persevered through the pain because she thought that's what
Speaker 2: she had to do. And then she speaks about her
Speaker 2: now relationship with her husband, the father of her child,
Speaker 2: and how he approaches sex with her and how that
Speaker 2: has completely changed her ability to show up in the
Speaker 2: relationship sexually and also in a way that makes her
Speaker 2: feel love, safe and secure. We'll link that episode in
Speaker 2: the show notes.
Speaker 3: Yeah, she spoke about that so well.
Speaker 2: Actually, yeah, please go and have a listen to itu.
Speaker 2: I think it'll really help you.
Speaker 4: But not even have I listen to it. Get your
Speaker 4: partners to listen to it, like that is something that
Speaker 4: he needs to listen to. He needs to hear it
Speaker 4: from another perspective.
Speaker 1: And also the fact that the way her partner came
Speaker 1: to that situation showed up is imperative to your situation.
Speaker 1: Now totally okay. Question number three. I've been dating my
Speaker 1: boyfriend for the last year and a half. I've been
Speaker 1: a nurse for the last five years, working with children,
Speaker 1: and I've seen some pretty terrible things. When we first
Speaker 1: started dating, he mentioned that he didn't like hearing quote
Speaker 1: horrible stories, so I lessened to them. Just recently, I
Speaker 1: was talking about work again and he said the same thing.
Speaker 3: I don't want to hear about these stories.
Speaker 1: I obviously don't want to upset him, but from time
Speaker 1: to time I want him to listen to my day
Speaker 1: and just vent. Am I being ridiculous by being upset
Speaker 1: that my partner can't handle listening to my stories here
Speaker 1: and there? Or do I just appease him and stop
Speaker 1: talking about work altogether. It's a tricky one.
Speaker 2: This is a tricky one, and I think it's important
Speaker 2: to figure out. Which might be hard to do, but
Speaker 2: I think you have to Is he like this around
Speaker 2: the mundane stuff as well?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 2: Is he like this around you talking about all aspects
Speaker 2: of work? Or is it only about the stuff that's
Speaker 2: super traumatic?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 2: Does he show an interest in your day to day
Speaker 2: when it pertains to other parts of your life or
Speaker 2: is it only around the stuff that is like truly
Speaker 2: deeply traumatic, Because I would say there are a lot
Speaker 2: of people out there who can't handle listening to or
Speaker 2: talking about super distressing things, like it affects them on
Speaker 2: a level that makes them then feel uncomfortable, and you're
Speaker 2: just kind of sharing the load of your trauma right
Speaker 2: like you're trauma dumping on them, which is not fair
Speaker 2: on them, especially if it then affects their day and
Speaker 2: how they feel.
Speaker 3: So that I think is okay.
Speaker 2: I would say, if you've chosen the occupation of being
Speaker 2: a nurse because you have that incredible empathetic, caring, beautiful
Speaker 2: quality of you, and you have the resilience to be
Speaker 2: exposed to it, then I would say it's okay. If
Speaker 2: there's aspects of your job that he mentally and physically
Speaker 2: doesn't want to be exposed to. But it's not okay
Speaker 2: if he uses that as an excuse to not listen
Speaker 2: to your day. That's a very different thing. And I
Speaker 2: think that it will become obvious which of those two
Speaker 2: things are playing out here.
Speaker 1: I can relate to this to the nth degree, like
Speaker 1: exactly I was in this identical situation where I was
Speaker 1: working at a pediatric hospital and I saw horrific things.
Speaker 3: I mean, you see her.
Speaker 1: Every thing's in any hospital, right, but it's always hits
Speaker 1: a bit different when it's a child, to the point that,
Speaker 1: like a big part of my job was post mortems
Speaker 1: on children like I was involved in.
Speaker 3: That I could not listen to that.
Speaker 2: We wouldn't even as you're saying, that makes me want
Speaker 2: to cry, Yeah, which.
Speaker 1: Is why I completely understand this situation as a whole,
Speaker 1: And I also understand him because I've been through it.
Speaker 3: You as a healthcare worker.
Speaker 4: Well, anyone in any job, right, but you want to
Speaker 4: come home and you want to debrief about your day
Speaker 4: because part of that's selfish reasons. Like part of that
Speaker 4: is like you want to get things off your chest
Speaker 4: and you do want to unload, and it's a type
Speaker 4: of therapy. And the other part is we all want
Speaker 4: to connect with our partner about our work in our
Speaker 4: day and what we're experiencing. Because they understand then maybe
Speaker 4: a little bit more if you come home at the
Speaker 4: end of the day and you're a bit flat and
Speaker 4: you need a bit more extra you know, love and
Speaker 4: care for whatever reason, they understand more, the problem is
Speaker 4: in that well, not everyone can deal with it.
Speaker 3: And when you have been in that world for a.
Speaker 4: Long time, if you know the healthcare world, for example,
Speaker 4: because this is what you're talking about, things are less.
Speaker 3: Shocking to you.
Speaker 1: You become very used to something that is very show
Speaker 1: and abnormal to someone else, and it becomes your normal
Speaker 1: because you're dealing with it day in and day out,
Speaker 1: and you sometimes forget that other people don't know anything
Speaker 1: about that, and that is really confronting for a lot
Speaker 1: of people. So for you, every day you're with unwell children.
Speaker 1: Your partner could be in marketing and it hits him different.
Speaker 1: So I think, unfortunately, you probably need to find a
Speaker 1: way where you can tell him about your day and
Speaker 1: how bad it was without going into the details, because
Speaker 1: you do need to still have that connection with your partner.
Speaker 2: Absolutely totally. I agree with you completely, brit Like. It's
Speaker 2: weird to me, right like and not weird.
Speaker 3: It's important.
Speaker 2: How amazing are doctors, How amazing are nurses? How amazing
Speaker 2: are ambulance workers and people who show up.
Speaker 3: Police people that are in these confronting situations.
Speaker 2: And it's wild that I go to work and I
Speaker 2: design jewelry, and I sit here behind a microphone and
Speaker 2: this is my job, you know, this is what I
Speaker 2: do for work. And then there's other people who had
Speaker 2: their hands inside people's chests today and that's what they
Speaker 2: did to go to work. Like the variation of what
Speaker 2: we are experiencing. Our world's apart. And I've dated someone
Speaker 2: who worked in the medical world before. I wanted to
Speaker 2: know parts of the stories, but I don't think I
Speaker 2: could have dealt with the dailiness of it. You know,
Speaker 2: every so often he would come home and tell me
Speaker 2: something that had happened, and it was sporadic, and I
Speaker 2: appreciated that he didn't expose me to the depths of
Speaker 2: what he dealt with day to day, and he was
Speaker 2: very good at compartmentalizing it. It didn't affect him in
Speaker 2: the way that I think it would have affected me.
Speaker 2: And maybe the things that you're dealing with you are
Speaker 2: able to compartmentalize in some way. And if you're not
Speaker 2: able to compartmentalize it, if you do need to speak
Speaker 2: to someone, then maybe it's like you speak to your
Speaker 2: partner about the parts of it that you know he's
Speaker 2: okay with and the parts that he can handle and
Speaker 2: then you're go and speak to a therapist about the
Speaker 2: rest of it, because I do think it's important for
Speaker 2: you to have someone too traumatum to, but I don't
Speaker 2: think it has to be your partner. The only thing
Speaker 2: I come back to is, and it's what I said
Speaker 2: in the start, is that it's very easy to use
Speaker 2: the excuse of oh I can't you know, like I
Speaker 2: can't deal with this, But that's actually a lack of
Speaker 2: interest in your job. And I think look for signs.
Speaker 2: Does he show interest in the other things you do?
Speaker 2: Does he show interest in what you've done on the
Speaker 2: week and on your friends, in your family, Does he
Speaker 2: show interest in your life? If he shows interest in
Speaker 2: you in every other aspect because he loves and adores
Speaker 2: you and supports you, but just can't handle the trauma
Speaker 2: side of your job, then that's okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah. The interest has to be there in other as
Speaker 1: part of your life constantly. Otherwise that you're like why
Speaker 1: are you dating me? Like what am I ham sandwich?
Speaker 1: Like you know, there has to be that interest. But
Speaker 1: what I will say is like, of course, speak to
Speaker 1: a therapist if you need that. And your job is
Speaker 1: that traumatic and the hospitals also provide people. But I
Speaker 1: mean something I used to do is unload the heavy stuff.
Speaker 1: Unload unfortunately sounds like a heavy word, but it is.
Speaker 1: But you would unload with and maybe another colleague that
Speaker 1: was there at the time, so someone else that goes
Speaker 1: through it every day as well that relates. They can
Speaker 1: quick you can, you can get it out, you can,
Speaker 1: you can discuss whatever you want about it. I was
Speaker 1: very lucky I did that with my sister Sherry, because
Speaker 1: we work together in this exact same hospital for most
Speaker 1: of our life. So I was hers and her she
Speaker 1: was mine, and then we could go back to our
Speaker 1: partners and just.
Speaker 3: Say that top level stuff.
Speaker 1: So there will always be someone that you can discuss
Speaker 1: these things with. But I do think you have to
Speaker 1: respect your partner in a level if he's like I actually, viscerally,
Speaker 1: I'm not that kind of person. I can't handle these conversations,
Speaker 1: so like you do have to meet him halfway in
Speaker 1: that capacity.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree, I totally agree.
Speaker 2: And I think you know, if that's the only thing
Speaker 2: that you have going on in your life in terms
Speaker 2: of like a problem in your relationship, it's not like.
Speaker 3: Your relationships not over dundum dum.
Speaker 2: I do think it's just being aware of where is
Speaker 2: he doing an excellent job in other aspects and if
Speaker 2: this is the part that he's you know, it's letting
Speaker 2: you down in then I think finding places and other
Speaker 2: people to offload and do that trauma dump with because
Speaker 2: it seems like your partner can't handle that part of it.
Speaker 2: We have received from you guys a few after maths
Speaker 2: like ask guncut after maths and.
Speaker 3: The follow up of what happened? And we always think this.
Speaker 2: We're always like, what did happen to that woman who
Speaker 2: was dating multiple people? What did happen to the guy
Speaker 2: who never showed interest in your work? Like we want
Speaker 2: to know what happens with the advice that we give you.
Speaker 2: So if you have ever received, if we've ever answered
Speaker 2: one of your ask guncut questions, please can you send
Speaker 2: it into the DMS just righte ask on cut aftermath
Speaker 2: at the top and then let us know what happened
Speaker 2: because we would love to do a catch up episode
Speaker 2: with ask uncut aftermaths.
Speaker 3: We have a few of them, we need a couple more.
Speaker 2: So tell us what happened in your life and kind
Speaker 2: of where things are at now so we can do
Speaker 2: that update. But yeah, you can slide into DMS at
Speaker 2: life on cut podcasts. You can join us on TikTok,
Speaker 2: you can join us on Instagram, and you can go
Speaker 2: and join the Facebook discussion group which is always flaring
Speaker 2: and a lot of people post like anonymously.
Speaker 3: They're ask on cuts in there as well. And that's
Speaker 3: it from us, guys. You know the dream.
Speaker 4: Tell you mum, te, dad, tey dog, te friends, and
Speaker 4: share the love because we love love