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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers now.

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Speaker 2: But what happens is when you can't regulate your emotions,

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Speaker 2: you also struggle to regulate your behavior. If your emotions

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Speaker 2: are big and lousy and out of control, your behavior

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Speaker 2: just follows.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: Gooday. This is doctor Justin Coilson, the author of six

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Speaker 2: books about raising happy families and the founder of happy

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Speaker 2: Families dot com dot I you. I'm here with Kylie. Hi, Kylie, Hello,

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Speaker 2: wife and mum to our six kids. And for those

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Speaker 2: of you who are new to the podcast, because my goodness,

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Speaker 2: we're getting a lot of new followers and listeners lately.

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Speaker 2: Kylie and I've been married for since the late nineteen nineties.

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to do the maths. I know the date,

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Speaker 2: but I'm not going to do the maths because well,

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Speaker 2: should we give that personal information now? It was in March,

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Speaker 2: and it was in the very very very late nineteen nineties.

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Speaker 2: How oh gosh, was it ninety eight? It was ninety eight?

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Speaker 2: It was ninety seven, No, it was ninety eight. What

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Speaker 2: year was it? I bet you don't know, You bet,

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Speaker 2: I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, what year

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Speaker 2: was it?

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Speaker 3: Well, we had our first child in ninety nine.

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Speaker 2: Right, you're looking at me like that should tell me

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Speaker 2: what I need to know. It was definitely ninety eight

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Speaker 2: because she was born late in the year. It was

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Speaker 2: definitely ninety eight. Okay, So there we go. So that's

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Speaker 2: hang on. So now I've got to do the maths

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Speaker 2: twenty three years twenty we're nearly at twenty four years.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcasts. For those of you are knew,

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Speaker 2: So six more sleeps, uh huh, old till the TV

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Speaker 2: show till November one. That's exactly what guidance comes up.

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Speaker 3: And parental guidance is causing a little bit of a stir.

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Speaker 2: One, which I don't know how it can be because

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Speaker 2: nobody's seen it yet, but the promo does make it

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Speaker 2: look a lot more provocative than I think that it's

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Speaker 2: going to be. I think it's going to be something

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Speaker 2: that gets people talking.

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Speaker 3: Well, one of your staff members actually sent through something

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Speaker 3: that Richard Hunwick is the director of Sales, Television and

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Speaker 3: Radio at Channel nine. He wrote on his LinkedIn account.

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Speaker 2: Really yes, oh okay, he said.

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Speaker 3: The next show that will have Australia talking parental guidance,

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Speaker 3: not a copy of something else. It's not an All

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Speaker 3: Stars version. It's new and compelling. I got to see

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Speaker 3: the first episode and it's a cracker, something that makes

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Speaker 3: you shout at the TV before wiping a tear from

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Speaker 3: your eye.

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Speaker 2: Oh got goosebumps.

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Speaker 3: Just here, controversial without any villains, touching, confronting, and at

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Speaker 3: times hilarious. A show for anyone who has kids or parents.

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Speaker 3: I love that this one will have everyone talking. Can't

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Speaker 3: wait to see this one. Allie Langdon is brilliant and

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Speaker 3: doctor Justin calls and wait for it is going to

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Speaker 3: become a star one to watch November.

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Speaker 2: I can't believe you. So I agree with everything except

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Speaker 2: that last sentence. Not interested in that. But I love

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Speaker 2: what he said. Just show that to me, you hang

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Speaker 2: on it. So I love what he said. Here controversial

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Speaker 2: without any villains. This is so a lot of people

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Speaker 2: have been on social media kind of keyboard worries, we

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Speaker 2: can't watch this show. This is exploited, blah blah blah.

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Speaker 3: Obviously the promo I've definitely made it feel like there

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Speaker 3: was some serious tension between.

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Speaker 2: Well there is some tension, but that's because we're talking

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Speaker 2: about parenting and people care about it a lot. But

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Speaker 2: I love what he said, controversial without any villains, because

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Speaker 2: they're all great parents and they're brave and they're having

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Speaker 2: tough conversations. I cannot wait for this show. I've got

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Speaker 2: goosebumps just thinking about it. So how many six more sleeps?

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Speaker 3: Six more sleeps?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? Awesome, and the kids are.

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Speaker 3: Already getting the popcorn stash ready.

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Speaker 2: I love how he said it's going to make you

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Speaker 2: shout at the TV before wiping a tear from your eye,

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Speaker 2: because I can't tell you how many times I got

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Speaker 2: weepy sitting in that studio and having these beautiful, powerful

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Speaker 2: conversations with people. Well the primo showed you're an ewek

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Speaker 2: Oh the promo made me cry, I know. Anyway, we

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Speaker 2: hope that if you're in Australia at least you can

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Speaker 2: watch this. For those of you who are overseas, I'm

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Speaker 2: not sure if or when you'll be able to see it,

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Speaker 2: but I reckon it's going to be so successful that

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Speaker 2: people will do a show like this overseas and copy

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Speaker 2: it because and like you said, it's not a copy

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Speaker 2: of something else. It's a brand new idea, so people

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Speaker 2: are going to love. It's on Monday night, Monday, the

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Speaker 2: first of November. Parental Guidance on Channel nine. Yeah, really

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Speaker 2: really cool stuff. Every Tuesday, we talk parenting and we

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Speaker 2: answer your parenting questions. If you've got parenting questions, you're

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Speaker 2: welcome to send them through to us podcasts at happy

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Speaker 2: families dot com dot au and Kylie. What's our question today?

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Speaker 3: Well, Bron and Dan asked, how do we teach our

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Speaker 3: two year old boundaries?

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Speaker 2: Okay, stop right there, you don't that's not a fair answer,

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Speaker 2: but yeah, carry on, carry on.

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Speaker 3: We try to keep our expectations in check and only

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Speaker 3: sweat the stuff we need to. But time in doesn't

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Speaker 3: seem to be working. We take him to his cot

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Speaker 3: to keep him in one place and chat with him

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Speaker 3: about what's happened, but he just bounces around, not really listening.

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Speaker 3: He just doesn't seem to be learning that throwing plates

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Speaker 3: of food across the room and tackling the dog, which

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Speaker 3: has led the dog to growling and nearly biting him

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Speaker 3: is just not okay and not safe. What else can

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Speaker 3: we be doing to help him understand these boundaries? Obviously,

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Speaker 3: we are very hypervigilant around the dog situation.

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Speaker 2: Now, tackling two year old tantrums and behavior regulation with

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Speaker 2: a two year old is really, really tricky. We're going

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Speaker 2: to address exactly how we can manage that. Right after

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Speaker 2: the break.

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.

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Speaker 3: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because

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Speaker 3: a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy families

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Speaker 3: dot com dot Au. It's the Happy Families Podcast, the

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Speaker 3: podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers now,

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Speaker 3: and today we are tackling toddlers and behavior regulation.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so my first response to this, and I know

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Speaker 2: it's going to sound like I'm trying to flog some

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Speaker 2: some merch or something like that, because I've got a

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Speaker 2: webinar called Little People, Big Feelings and anyone who's got

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Speaker 2: little kids and is struggling with the way those kids

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Speaker 2: behave It's in the Happy Families shop at happy Families

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Speaker 2: dot com dot Au. Oh, by the way, brand new

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Speaker 2: website launches today. Very excited about that. So if you

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Speaker 2: jump into the Happy Family's website and have a look

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Speaker 2: at Happy Family, do you in the shop you will

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Speaker 2: find Little People, Big feelings that webinar will change your life.

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Speaker 2: I cannot tell you how much extraordinary feedback we've had

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Speaker 2: from that. But in the webinar I talk about, I mean,

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Speaker 2: two year olds don't listen, is what Bron and Dan

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Speaker 2: said in their email, And how do we get him

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Speaker 2: to listen? And they're right, yeah, they are. I mean

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Speaker 2: they don't listen and they won't and even if you

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Speaker 2: tell them stuff, it's still not going to actually sink

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Speaker 2: in because they're two, and it's kind of developmentally, their

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Speaker 2: brain just isn't at the point yet where this stuff

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Speaker 2: is going to genuinely truly sink in. So what we

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Speaker 2: know from research is that emotional regulation, the big tantrums,

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Speaker 2: the big outbursts, they don't really get a handle on

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Speaker 2: that for another couple of years. And really, I mean,

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Speaker 2: we know some adults that can't regulate their behavior too well.

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Speaker 2: So we can't be too hard on a two year

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Speaker 2: old or three or old a four year old who's

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Speaker 2: having a big moment emotionally. But what happens is when

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Speaker 2: you can't regulate your emotions, you also struggle to regulate

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Speaker 2: your behavior. If your emotions are big and lousy and

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Speaker 2: out of control, your behavior just follows because you don't

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Speaker 2: have the capacity to hold one thing together, let alone

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Speaker 2: the other. One follows the other.

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Speaker 3: And this goes back to that theory of mind that

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Speaker 3: you talked about.

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Speaker 2: Well, that was what I was about to say, doctor.

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Speaker 3: Doctor's desk last week, just this acknowledgment that your child,

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Speaker 3: your two year old, is having this big emotion because

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Speaker 3: they can't understand why you don't see the world the way.

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Speaker 2: They see it exactly, and when you're seeing the world

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Speaker 2: differently to them, and they they don't know how to

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Speaker 2: regulate their emotions and behaviors. They're in Ambition is zero,

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Speaker 2: like they just they throw plates and they see some

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Speaker 2: they see an opportunity like his the dog, and there's

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Speaker 2: no inhibition, there's no regulation. They're like, this looks like fun,

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Speaker 2: so they tackle the dog, or they do whatever it

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Speaker 2: is that's upsetting you. They break things, they pull things apart,

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Speaker 2: they strip their clothes off and run naked around the house,

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Speaker 2: and they do it because they're completely uninhibited, because they

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Speaker 2: just don't know and understand, And you're going to feel

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Speaker 2: as you try to work with the two year old

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Speaker 2: like you're not making any meaningful progress because for the

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Speaker 2: most part, you kind of not. They don't have the capacity.

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Speaker 2: I don't want to make it seem hopeless, and I

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Speaker 2: don't want you to feel helpless and just throw your

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Speaker 2: hands up, because there are things that you can do

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Speaker 2: to help them.

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Speaker 1: Well.

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Speaker 3: They learn through repetition, they do so consistency is so important.

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Speaker 2: But let's be really clear about this repetition and consistency thing.

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Speaker 2: I'm so glad you raised it. Think about how many

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Speaker 2: times you have to show a child how to do

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Speaker 2: up shoelaces.

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Speaker 3: I'm trying to just remember how many times I've had

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Speaker 3: to tell you to put your socks okay in the

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Speaker 3: dirty washing basket?

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Speaker 1: And how old are you?

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Speaker 2: Doctor Justin Pulson, I can't believe she did that. So

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Speaker 2: you try to teach them how old are you? Before

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Speaker 2: they can write their name. We only had one child

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Speaker 2: who could write her name at a very young age,

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Speaker 2: and that was Lily. And that's because we've spelt her

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Speaker 2: name l I L L I, just like I can't

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Speaker 2: cuttle L L L five straight lines straight down. One

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Speaker 2: of them has got a couple of dots, A couple

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Speaker 2: of dots Brittian, and she would get the dots in

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Speaker 2: the wrong place anyway as well. It's like I'm going

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Speaker 2: to do this. So when you think about these basic

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Speaker 2: physiological tasks that have very very low levels of complexity,

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Speaker 2: like putting shoes on or doing up a button or

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Speaker 2: writing your name, and it takes our kids four or

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Speaker 2: five six years to learn how to do those kinds

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Speaker 2: of things. To get them to do the psychologically complex

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Speaker 2: stuff like regulate their behavior, regulate their emotion, speak and

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Speaker 2: use their words when they're feeling emotional, this is really big,

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Speaker 2: really complex stuff. It requires a huge amount of neurological development,

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Speaker 2: and that neuro development doesn't happen until they're getting older,

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Speaker 2: until they're maturing, they've got their l plates on.

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Speaker 3: We talk about the fact that the English language is

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Speaker 3: one of the most complex languages to learn, right, and

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Speaker 3: our children learn to talk and speak.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and that that takes three years.

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Speaker 3: That's huge, right, Yeah, And then there's this whole other

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Speaker 3: world outside of the English language called emotion and all

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Speaker 3: of the challenges that are around that. It's such a

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Speaker 3: massive space for our kids to navigate.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and they just want stuff. So that's the theory

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Speaker 2: that's to help broaden and down understand why their two

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Speaker 2: year old is so hard to deal with and so

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Speaker 2: hard to manage. The question, though, really is how do

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Speaker 2: we get them to listen and learn, and let's be honest,

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Speaker 2: be compliant, like just play by the rules a little bit.

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Speaker 2: Every now and again. When I use the word compliance

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Speaker 2: with kids, there's a bunch of people who get up

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Speaker 2: in arms and legs. It's not about compliance, and it's like,

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Speaker 2: but in the real world, parents really just want their

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Speaker 2: kids to be compliant, to listen and to follow some

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Speaker 2: basic instructions, and it kind of is like we need

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Speaker 2: to socialize them so that they do the right thing.

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Speaker 3: If throwing plates is a problem in your house, then

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Speaker 3: my suggestion is that I would just take the plate away.

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Speaker 3: I take it out of the equation. So we've done

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Speaker 3: this plenty of times with our small kids when plates

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Speaker 3: were ending up on the floor. I just used to

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Speaker 3: put the food straight onto the high chair.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and a two year old's not going to use

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Speaker 2: a knife for fork, so just put it straight on

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Speaker 2: the table. Orstrotomy.

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Speaker 3: And you know, people will say, but they just throw

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Speaker 3: the food on the floor that way.

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Speaker 2: But they don't throw as much food on the floor.

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Speaker 3: So then I limited what I put on the high chair. Yes,

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Speaker 3: if food is just going to end up on the floor,

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Speaker 3: then they only get one noodle at a time, or

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Speaker 3: you know, one pasta piece or whatever it is.

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Speaker 2: But the other thing to think about, just with the

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Speaker 2: food situation is don't expect a two year old to

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Speaker 2: feat themselves. Spend the time and do the airplane flying

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Speaker 2: into their mouth or the chuchu train here, it comes

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Speaker 2: cho open up here, it comes to train, it's going

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Speaker 2: to come in your mouth. You want to do that

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Speaker 2: sort of stuff because that keeps them and attained. There's

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Speaker 2: a little bit of distraction, there's a whole lot of

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Speaker 2: connection and bonding that goes on. It's about building the

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Speaker 2: relationship and this is going to help. Now if you've

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Speaker 2: got a child who's tantruming, though, and their emotions are

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Speaker 2: really big, there's other things that we need to do.

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Speaker 2: Time in is not working, but that's because we're talking

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Speaker 2: about a two year old who doesn't listen and that's

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Speaker 2: pretty standard. So I reckon we need to be helpful

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Speaker 2: here as well.

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Speaker 3: For Brom and Dan, she's not suggesting by any stretch

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Speaker 3: that there's tantrums going on. There's just an acknowledgement that

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Speaker 3: there's behavior that is unwanted.

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Speaker 2: And a lack of listening and compliance.

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Speaker 3: That's right.

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Speaker 2: So you've said it already, but it bears repeating when

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Speaker 2: it comes to two year olds. And I usually hear

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Speaker 2: this from parents of children from about the age of

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Speaker 2: eighteen months. In these early toddler and preschool this age range.

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Speaker 2: Because they're now walking, because they're mobile, and because they

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Speaker 2: are actually able to talk in various levels of capacity,

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Speaker 2: we start treating them as adults, but they're not. We

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Speaker 2: start treating them as.

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Speaker 3: As big children and kids.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and they're not. So I think number one, we've

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Speaker 2: just got to be really consistent, keep giving them the

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Speaker 2: same message. It's life on repeat, and it will be

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Speaker 2: for a couple of years. Yet takes them a long time.

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Speaker 2: They've got their learner plates on and they're just trying

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Speaker 2: to figure this out and it's going to take a while. Gentle, gentle, clear, consistent.

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Speaker 3: Messaging, understanding our children's development and what is actually developmentally

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Speaker 3: appropriate for us to expect, yeah, and then changing our expectations.

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Speaker 3: It is perfectly normal that a two year old is

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Speaker 3: going to throw their food. Yeah, that's normal two year

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Speaker 3: old behavior.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: You talk to any parent and this is Actually, what

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Speaker 2: I'd recommend as well, Bron and Dan, I'd have a

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Speaker 2: chat with other people who have got children around about

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Speaker 2: the same age and say do your kids do this?

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Speaker 2: And then everyone's just going to crack up. They're going

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Speaker 2: to laugh and they're like, oh do they ever? And

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Speaker 2: they also do this, Oh, house do too.

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Speaker 3: It's not on the floor, it's on their head.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that they wear their food they don't. And

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Speaker 2: I think the other thing to bear in mind here

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Speaker 2: is that when you're raising a two year old or

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Speaker 2: a three year old, when you're dealing with toddlers, you

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Speaker 2: you do best when you adjust your mindset and your

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Speaker 2: expectations and when you pretty much just sort of say

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Speaker 2: to yourself, okay, so what's really going to happen here

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Speaker 2: is we're going to have stuff on the floor, We're

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Speaker 2: going to have mess on the windows. We're going to

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Speaker 2: have two baths a day because there's going to be

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Speaker 2: food in the hair and food in all sorts of

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Speaker 2: places that food doesn't belong. And this is kind of

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Speaker 2: what life will be for a short time.

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Speaker 3: It's messy. And I think you know the thing that

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Speaker 3: got us through is having a camera. Yeah, having a

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Speaker 3: camera ready out on hand because there is going to

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Speaker 3: be some beautiful photos show on their twenty first birthday

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Speaker 3: and a sense of humor.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, we just got it.

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Speaker 3: We really need to lighten up as parents, not have

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Speaker 3: such big expectations of what our children will and won't do,

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Speaker 3: and just enjoy enjoy the process.

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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, don't push it, don't force it. I

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Speaker 2: know that this is probably not the news that anyone

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Speaker 2: of any parent of a toddler wants to hear. Like

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Speaker 2: You're like, no, no, but I want things to be better.

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Speaker 2: I want my house tied in, I want my child

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Speaker 2: to be well kept. And it's I mean, you can,

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Speaker 2: you actually can, but it's not healthy for you and

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Speaker 2: it's not healthy for them. And what we really want

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Speaker 2: to encourage.

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Speaker 3: Is just a big dose of patience.

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Speaker 2: We really hope On and Dan that this has been

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Speaker 2: helpful and for any parent of any toddler. We would

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Speaker 2: love your feedback. How's it going for you? Podcasts at

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Speaker 2: Happy families dot com dot au. Happy Families podcast is

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Speaker 2: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is

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Speaker 2: our executive produce and if you'd like more info about

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Speaker 2: making your family happier, please visit us at happy families

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Speaker 2: dot com, dot a you