Speaker 1: I heard podcasts, hear more Kiss podcast playlist and listen
Speaker 1: live on the Free iHeart app.
Speaker 2: Good pickup with Britt Hockley and Laura Ben Radio work
Speaker 2: our windows down.
Speaker 3: That's my world, Rison the dust only good fabs all down.
Speaker 3: I've done much now, but yeah I'm not. I'll big
Speaker 3: get and what a lot. It don't matter where.
Speaker 1: This is the pickup, Hi, guys, it's the pickup with
Speaker 1: Britt Harkley and Laura Burn.
Speaker 3: I don't know if this has ever happened to you, Laura.
Speaker 4: I know we've spoken about it maybe once in relation
Speaker 4: to garlic. But I have like this new discovery the
Speaker 4: last probably two years.
Speaker 3: But I've only just been the last two weeks really
Speaker 3: realized it's something. What's going on. I cannot eat a
Speaker 3: mint without sneezing. That is so weirdly specific because I'm
Speaker 3: I'm allergic to it, but nothing else happens. I'm not allergic.
Speaker 4: Like all I do is sneeze every time within one
Speaker 4: minute of in a MINTI my mouth. I sneeze also
Speaker 4: happens with like listerine, like anything that is minty that
Speaker 4: goes in my mouth, I have a sneezing attack after it.
Speaker 3: Is that weird?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Chewinger know if it's weird, just look into the
Speaker 1: light and have a sneeze.
Speaker 3: Nothing like a good sneeze.
Speaker 4: But it's analogy thing that's formed later in life. Why
Speaker 4: do they come out of nowhere?
Speaker 3: I really don't know.
Speaker 1: But the one person who does the most impressive sneezes
Speaker 1: in this race is Produce a grace. No one has
Speaker 1: ever heard anyone sneeze like produce a grace.
Speaker 5: I hate sneezing. Actually say I love to sneeze, but
Speaker 5: that's not true.
Speaker 1: It's because you do seventeen of them in a row.
Speaker 1: I don't need to try and record you next time,
Speaker 1: just to play it out. It's almost like an unbelievable feat.
Speaker 1: It is, but it takes years off my life.
Speaker 5: Every time I do it, I swear, and every time
Speaker 5: I'm driving, that's the last time I'm driving.
Speaker 3: Because you can't sneeze with your eyes open.
Speaker 4: I think it's actually physiologically impossible just sneeze with your
Speaker 4: eyes open. I remember, I'm trying really hard when there's
Speaker 4: seventeen in a row, when you're on the highway.
Speaker 1: I remember when I went for my driving my learner's
Speaker 1: lesson and I sneezed twice, and the guy in the
Speaker 1: seat next to me, who was doing the testing, he
Speaker 1: made a joke that if I sneezed again and I
Speaker 1: had to keep closing my eyes, he'd.
Speaker 3: Have to fail me. And I was like, I think
Speaker 3: he was joking. I think he was joking. But you can't.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're right, you can't try and sneeze with your
Speaker 1: eyes open. It's a real, real experience. Now, being that
Speaker 1: it is Thursday, we have asked on cut, where you
Speaker 1: guys call up. We answer your deepest, darkest burning questions
Speaker 1: and we do our absolute best to answer them. Now,
Speaker 1: we've never had a question quite like this one. We've
Speaker 1: got Gabrielle on the line and she has just found
Speaker 1: out very recently that her husband has been cheating on
Speaker 1: her or having an affair.
Speaker 3: Gabrielle, welcome to the show. Hello, what's been going on?
Speaker 4: How long have you been with your husband? And how
Speaker 4: long have you found out he's cheating on you?
Speaker 2: Okay, so we've been together relationship for twenty nine years, wow,
Speaker 2: married three years, two kids, and apparently he has been
Speaker 2: having an affair for five years.
Speaker 3: How did you do you find that out?
Speaker 2: Well, long story short. Normally, his phone has been attached
Speaker 2: to him consistently. He happened to leave it in the
Speaker 2: kitchen one night and I heard a ding go off,
Speaker 2: so naturally I just picked it up, thinking nothing of it,
Speaker 2: went to hand it to him, and obviously discovered a
Speaker 2: lovely naked woman on his phone.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Gabrielle, So is it been a five
Speaker 1: year affair with the same woman?
Speaker 3: Yes? Wow? How long ago did you find out all
Speaker 3: this information?
Speaker 2: Probably about four months ago.
Speaker 1: So you're still probably really in the thick of all
Speaker 1: of it. Have you made any decisions? Are you wanting
Speaker 1: to stay? Are you unsure? Like what is happening for you?
Speaker 2: Well, we are still living together, obviously. He claimed that
Speaker 2: they haven't actually been intimate together, which is my burning question.
Speaker 2: And do I believe that? No, And each morning I
Speaker 2: wake up, I guess and I go, oh, I'd love
Speaker 2: to talk to her. Also, is that the other question?
Speaker 2: I really have this craving.
Speaker 6: To talk to this woman, which is nautral strange.
Speaker 3: No, that's not I don't think that's strange at all.
Speaker 4: Like this is someone that has infiltrated your life directly
Speaker 4: and indirectly for five years.
Speaker 1: I mean Look, there are people who definitely have come
Speaker 1: back from infidelity in relationships, but only if their partner
Speaker 1: is really truthful and forthcoming about it all. Like if
Speaker 1: you if you are actually feeling like, Okay, I know
Speaker 1: I've got the information.
Speaker 3: Now we can go to therapy together. Things have changed.
Speaker 1: Like if there's no action in changing anything, then you're
Speaker 1: just and you're left with so many unanswered questions. And
Speaker 1: also when you are seeking answers to those questions, if
Speaker 1: you're being shut down or you're not getting closure or
Speaker 1: any of this, like you can't heal because you're expected
Speaker 1: to just believe what's being told to you from the
Speaker 1: person who's been lying to you for five years about
Speaker 1: something correct.
Speaker 3: So is he still talking to her? Has he blocked her? Like?
Speaker 3: How is where are things at now?
Speaker 2: Well, apparently it's all been blocked. We haven't heard from
Speaker 2: her obviously. I think that the wall that blocks me
Speaker 2: now is he does still get quite defensive if you
Speaker 2: go to ask a question or talk about it and
Speaker 2: sort of says you should not be over it, but
Speaker 2: kind of be over it.
Speaker 3: If that may No, that is rubbing, and.
Speaker 2: I'm thinking the time frame for me is my biggest
Speaker 2: thing it hasn't just been a couple of months. It's
Speaker 2: actually been five years, and you know we're being married,
Speaker 2: I've had a baby.
Speaker 1: He was doing this at the same time that you
Speaker 1: were getting married, that you were walking down the aisle,
Speaker 1: or that you were choosing to have a baby together.
Speaker 4: But also, he doesn't get to do this to you
Speaker 4: and then tell you to get over it and move
Speaker 4: on like sorry, that's not how this works. He either
Speaker 4: has to be open and it's this goes now how
Speaker 4: you want it to go. If you want access to
Speaker 4: his phone and he wants to save the relationship, he
Speaker 4: gives it to you. If you want to contact her
Speaker 4: and ask her if you want to know anything about
Speaker 4: that situation. He has to be willing to be completely
Speaker 4: open with you. He doesn't get to gaslight you and
Speaker 4: now say you should be over this by now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, look I agree with this woman. Yeah, with children
Speaker 2: and thinking that life soul.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I just thought it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you're totally in your right if you
Speaker 1: want to to reach out to this other woman to
Speaker 1: find out more of the truth, if you think that
Speaker 1: you might get more of the truth from her and
Speaker 1: that might give you some sort of lidity enclosure.
Speaker 3: You are absolutely in your right to do that, and
Speaker 3: I also.
Speaker 1: Don't think that you're breaching anything in the relationship by
Speaker 1: doing so, because at the moment, it sounds like one
Speaker 1: of the big things that you can't get your head
Speaker 1: around is whether you're being lied to as to whether
Speaker 1: or not something physical happened or didn't happen, or whether
Speaker 1: it was just text messages.
Speaker 3: You are not alone.
Speaker 1: I think anyone who's in their car is listening to
Speaker 1: this right now would absolutely be saying, Okay, if that
Speaker 1: messaging has been going on back and forth, nude messages
Speaker 1: for five years, it's probably unlikely that nothing more happened.
Speaker 1: But you know what, even if nothing more did happen,
Speaker 1: that's still such a huge infidelity that's happened in your
Speaker 1: relationship for five years that you're allowed to navigate this
Speaker 1: how is best for you.
Speaker 2: I think it's been eating at me and I'm like,
Speaker 2: should I shouldn't I because.
Speaker 3: I think I would call guys in this situation, what
Speaker 3: would you do, Britt? I mean, I have been in
Speaker 3: that situation.
Speaker 4: I'm not married with kids, but you know, I was
Speaker 4: with someone for six years that I found had a
Speaker 4: double life. And I did contact her and we spoke
Speaker 4: for hours and I got all the information. The difference
Speaker 4: was she didn't know I existed either, so we were
Speaker 4: both sort of in silos.
Speaker 3: So this woman might not want to talk to you.
Speaker 4: I think if you're going to go down that track,
Speaker 4: I would take a really gentle approach with her and
Speaker 4: just say, look, I just want to know. I'm not
Speaker 4: going to have a go at you. There's nothing that's
Speaker 4: going to happen. I just want the information.
Speaker 2: Like, no, what's done is done at the end of
Speaker 2: the day. Yeah, it's still eat at me.
Speaker 6: Is he really been?
Speaker 2: Like, yeah, he's got a lot to lose, Gabrielle.
Speaker 1: If you do speak to her, though, please give us
Speaker 1: a call and let us know what happens, because honestly,
Speaker 1: if I was in your situation, I would be calling.
Speaker 3: That's where I would be at. And you don't even
Speaker 3: need to tell your husband you're calling. To be honest,
Speaker 3: just just do it. Just do it.
Speaker 2: Ye, I definitely wouldn't devolve information.
Speaker 3: That's yeah, Please let us know how it goes.
Speaker 2: Thank you very much.
Speaker 3: We're so sorry you're in this situation.
Speaker 1: Have you ever done your DNA test like an ancestry
Speaker 1: test or I actually.
Speaker 3: Haven't, but I've never felt the need to. Are you
Speaker 3: just a bit.
Speaker 1: Curious about like I don't know your family tree?
Speaker 3: And like what it is? What's your DNA maker? I
Speaker 3: mean if you are questioning where I'm from.
Speaker 4: Yeah, if you have questions about me, I can definitely
Speaker 4: go and get it done.
Speaker 3: Don't belong to my parents? No, I this going. Do
Speaker 3: you know something I don't pretty need? This is your life?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 3: I find it really fascinating.
Speaker 1: And so my husband and I we actually did DNA
Speaker 1: tests together recently, ancestry DNA tests, and we got an
Speaker 1: email saying that their results were inconclusive, so we weren't
Speaker 1: able to get our results back. And I don't know,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna do it again because I made these
Speaker 1: big jokes to Matt and I was like, what if
Speaker 1: like they found out something, because when you do it,
Speaker 1: you have to submit like.
Speaker 3: This is my dad, this is my mom, this, and
Speaker 3: you submit.
Speaker 1: As much as your family tree as you possibly can.
Speaker 1: And I was like, what if the reason why they
Speaker 1: kept it is because they found out something they don't
Speaker 1: want us to know about it, like maybe your dad's
Speaker 1: not your dad.
Speaker 3: They don't want to blow up your life. Maybe my
Speaker 3: uncle's not my uncle. I don't know, but like, look,
Speaker 3: I think they'd tell you if your uncle of your
Speaker 3: uncle's that's not that impactful. Well, I don't know, I
Speaker 3: think it is.
Speaker 1: Anyway, this article that came out, so a woman kind
Speaker 1: of she went and did all the different DNA tests.
Speaker 1: There's a couple that are really big ones in Australia,
Speaker 1: ones my heritage obviously ancestry DNA, which I think most
Speaker 1: people know of. And then there's also another one which
Speaker 1: is kind of like the Crem Delachreme of DNA tests
Speaker 1: called twenty three.
Speaker 4: And me, hasn't that just gone into what's it called receivership?
Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe you know more about it than I. You're
Speaker 3: like the Krem de la Crem. I'm like, it just
Speaker 3: went down and go go.
Speaker 1: Do you know why they say it's the Krem dela
Speaker 1: crem purely because it's the most expensive. It's meant to
Speaker 1: be the most thorough. But in the experience of this woman,
Speaker 1: it absolutely wasn't the case. But one thing she did
Speaker 1: find out plot twist. She found out that her childhood crush,
Speaker 1: who she had been obsessed with and in love with,
Speaker 1: for the majority of her adolescents turned out to be
Speaker 1: her cousin. Imagine if you found out not when you know,
Speaker 1: not a childhood crush. Imagine if you found out like
Speaker 1: you were dating.
Speaker 4: There was a couple that found out in America. She
Speaker 4: did the DNA test. She found out that her husband
Speaker 4: or fiance was a direct relation to her and she
Speaker 4: was going to bury that information.
Speaker 3: Did she tell him I can't remember, I'm on the.
Speaker 4: Edge of my seat, Producier Grace Park to look it up.
Speaker 5: Okay, So there was a couple who discovered, after ten
Speaker 5: years of marriage and having three children, that they were cousins.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and they found out viral D.
Speaker 1: You just stay if you're being married and you've got kids,
Speaker 1: it's goorn too far.
Speaker 3: You're in two D. You've already done all that.
Speaker 1: You're in white LOADUS territory, just staying there. Look, I
Speaker 1: mean we opened up the text line and also I
Speaker 1: did a call out on my Instagram for this. You
Speaker 1: would be shocked by how many people discovered really salacious
Speaker 1: things about their families or about their lives. This One
Speaker 1: girl wrote in and said that her grandma had six
Speaker 1: kids and they all did their ancestry tests as grandchildren,
Speaker 1: and they found out that the grandma had been having
Speaker 1: an affair with the farmer who lived on the farm
Speaker 1: next door in Italian farmer, and the youngest three children
Speaker 1: were not actually their grandfathers, but it was this Italian farmer.
Speaker 1: So three of the kids had the Italian heritage in
Speaker 1: DNA and they were all linked to a different dad.
Speaker 3: They were all having a rumble behind the shed. No,
Speaker 3: they weren't just her, just the grandma. The kids absolutely
Speaker 3: were not rumbling. They were they all weren't. But they
Speaker 3: were wow. Good on her.
Speaker 1: People who found out that their biological dad just wasn't
Speaker 1: like their dad, wasn't their dad.
Speaker 3: Loads of those came in.
Speaker 1: That would be a really sad discovery imagining thirty years
Speaker 1: old and finding out that your dad's not actually.
Speaker 3: Your biological dad. No, that that is gut wrenching, and
Speaker 3: your mum did the dirty all those there.
Speaker 1: Another girl wrote, my sister found out that she has
Speaker 1: a different dad. There's a lot of dads out here
Speaker 1: that are finding out that they either have kids that
Speaker 1: they didn't know they had, or that they're not the
Speaker 1: father to the kids they thought they did have.
Speaker 3: I just think let dead dogs lie. What that's the saying,
Speaker 3: isn't it.
Speaker 4: This is why I would worry about going and doing
Speaker 4: a test, Not that I think anything would come of it,
Speaker 4: but I'm happy with my life.
Speaker 3: I don't need the disruption.
Speaker 4: If it came out then my dad wasn't my dad,
Speaker 4: which he definitely is.
Speaker 3: Hang On, I don't want to stick go anywhere. My
Speaker 3: dad is my dad.
Speaker 4: I don't have any queries, but I'm just saying, sometimes
Speaker 4: I think ignorance is bliss.
Speaker 3: How's this one?
Speaker 1: This girl found out that Ivan Malatt is her dad's
Speaker 1: second cousin. See you know that's that's a skeleton in
Speaker 1: a wardrobe and a closet.
Speaker 3: You don't need to know about it. You're related to
Speaker 3: a psychopath. What are you gonna do with that information? Anyway?
Speaker 3: We've got a caller on the line, Rosie. What did
Speaker 3: you find out from your ancestry DNA.
Speaker 6: Hiber Yeah, it wasn't myself directly, but it was a
Speaker 6: family member. It was probably in her late fifties at
Speaker 6: the time, who'd been doing the whole ancestry journey for
Speaker 6: a long amount of time with her sister and her
Speaker 6: dad wasn't her real dad, and it was actually the
Speaker 6: next door neighbor when she was growing up.
Speaker 3: Does linking to the neighbor though, how did she get there?
Speaker 6: I think maybe that family had also been doing kind
Speaker 6: of their own journey, so there was already DNA kind
Speaker 6: of in the system that was able to be linked. Yeah,
Speaker 6: a bit of a shock.
Speaker 3: So did his neighbor. What's the outcome here? Did the
Speaker 3: neighbor take her on? As like the dad?
Speaker 6: So look, I'm not sure if he was actually alive,
Speaker 6: but I do know that she's now in touch with
Speaker 6: the children that he did have, So she has kind
Speaker 6: of got other siblings out of there, and she's in
Speaker 6: very much the same mindset as she said for it,
Speaker 6: Like you know, my great grandfather was her dad, that's.
Speaker 2: Who raised her.
Speaker 6: So that's still kind of her opinion. But kind of
Speaker 6: good story is which has yeah, kind of got some
Speaker 6: more family members out of it.
Speaker 3: So that's nice, all right, you sold me, I'll go
Speaker 3: do one. I want to do one because I'm frightened
Speaker 3: to what I might find out.
Speaker 4: To be honest, you need to do one because you've
Speaker 4: done it and it came back inconclusive.
Speaker 3: So either they're saying that you're.
Speaker 4: One of those avatars and your DNA doesn't match the
Speaker 4: humans or something is a myth, So we need to
Speaker 4: get to the bottom of that.
Speaker 3: That is not a story arc that I want to
Speaker 3: unpack on radio.
Speaker 4: That you're an avatar, that you're not related to your parents.
Speaker 1: It's not a surprise to anyone about when we speak
Speaker 1: about postnatal depression and how it affects women who are
Speaker 1: going through that.
Speaker 3: Incredibly just full on.
Speaker 1: Time after having a baby, that postnatal time, your hormones
Speaker 1: are all over the place, the lack of sleep, the
Speaker 1: transitioning in motherhood, like there are so many changes, and
Speaker 1: the study suggests that one in seven women in Australia
Speaker 1: will actually suffer from postnatal depression after having a baby.
Speaker 1: But something I found really really interesting and like this
Speaker 1: came up in an article, but it's also a conversation
Speaker 1: I had recently with a friend of mine, and that
Speaker 1: is that one in ten new dads also experienced walk
Speaker 1: described as postnatal depression. Now, I would say very few
Speaker 1: people would ever have kind of correlated this idea of
Speaker 1: postnatal depression with men, and even given it the airtime,
Speaker 1: I think there's so much focus that's put on women
Speaker 1: who are having babies and rightly so, like it's incredibly
Speaker 1: taxing for women. But I remember sitting down with a
Speaker 1: good maid of mind and we're talking about having kids,
Speaker 1: and he was talking about when he had his first baby,
Speaker 1: and he said, you know, I always pictured that i'd
Speaker 1: have my first baby and it would be this moment
Speaker 1: when I held them and I'd be just full of
Speaker 1: joy and cry and all the things that you see
Speaker 1: on social media. And he was like, I held him,
Speaker 1: I felt really absent. He's like, I walked out of
Speaker 1: the hospital and I burst out crying. And it really
Speaker 1: hit me because I think we think and they were
Speaker 1: going to be overloaded with this flood of love. But
Speaker 1: he was telling me, he was like, you know what
Speaker 1: happened for me is that I grew to love my child.
Speaker 1: I grew to love being a dad, and I fell
Speaker 1: in love with him as he kind of turned into
Speaker 1: this little person. But he really experienced postnatal depression. And
Speaker 1: I think that there's more dads coming forward talking about this. Well.
Speaker 4: I think there reason we don't necessarily associate men as
Speaker 4: much with post natal depression is because a huge part
Speaker 4: of the postnatal depression is linked to the hormones and
Speaker 4: we're like, oh, cool, Well, the men's bodies haven't changed,
Speaker 4: and they haven't been flooded with the hormones, and they
Speaker 4: haven't just gone through a traumatic birth, and they aren't
Speaker 4: trying to physically keep it alive with the breast, So
Speaker 4: people don't necessarily associate it straight away. But I think
Speaker 4: we have to realize that their life also does change drastically,
Speaker 4: and the lack of hormones is what also keeps them
Speaker 4: from having that almost natural sort of a bond that's
Speaker 4: I mean, not every mother gets, but it's what helped
Speaker 4: moms have that initial bond, and the men they're not
Speaker 4: doing that. They haven't carried it and had that connection
Speaker 4: with it for nine months.
Speaker 3: The flood of love is how it's described.
Speaker 1: But yeah, and I also think, I mean something that
Speaker 1: is very relevant, and I guess a good dad probably
Speaker 1: doesn't to make it about himself in that environment. I
Speaker 1: think it would be pretty misled for a man to
Speaker 1: be like, well, i'm having a hard time too. They're
Speaker 1: not going to get a lot of sympathy out of
Speaker 1: that situation, and so it really does mean that those
Speaker 1: men who are struggling don't talk about the facts that
Speaker 1: they're struggling because they also can read a room and
Speaker 1: they realize that well, they probably it's not their time
Speaker 1: to have the airtime to talk about it, and so
Speaker 1: that fear about it taking away from their partner's needs
Speaker 1: and the partner's experiences just means it gets pushed down
Speaker 1: and suppressed. But really, I guess it comes as a
Speaker 1: bit of a PSA like if you are a new parent,
Speaker 1: if you're going through having your first or your second,
Speaker 1: or however whatever number kit it is, if your partner
Speaker 1: is detached or different, or if as a man you
Speaker 1: are having these really sort of just uncomfortable thoughts around fatherhood.
Speaker 1: It may actually be something that is more clinical than
Speaker 1: it could be, something like postnatal depression for a man.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and just so you know, something to keep your
Speaker 3: eye on.
Speaker 4: Clinical psychologist Julie Bornikoff has said some of the warning
Speaker 4: signs include like self isolating, sleeping too much or not
Speaker 4: resting when the baby sleeps, poor eating habits, of course,
Speaker 4: things like increased alcohol and drug use, and maybe just
Speaker 4: some statements from your partner, things like I'm a terrible parent.
Speaker 3: You know, I'm not doing a good job.
Speaker 4: I don't know what I'm doing there's some of the
Speaker 4: things just to keep your eye on and just be
Speaker 4: hyper aware that it's not necessarily just women going through it.
Speaker 4: You guys needed to be a team and go through
Speaker 4: the trenches together. Just remember Lifeline is available twenty four
Speaker 4: to seven on thirteen eleven fourteen
Speaker 3: And that is us done today, guys,