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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, the one thing that I shared with her was

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Speaker 2: that no matter how many doors she slammed, that I

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Speaker 2: loved her no matter what. Those three key words not

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Speaker 2: I love you, but no matter what. And when I

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Speaker 2: shared that with her, all of the big emotions she'd

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Speaker 2: been feeling dissolved.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mom

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Speaker 1: and Dad, Kylie.

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Speaker 2: We received an email from Danny who is having a

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Speaker 2: hard time with the child who's having big emotions emotional

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Speaker 2: regulation stuff. She said, I'd love to hear a podcast

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Speaker 2: topic on dealing with kids with big emotions, emotion regulation

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Speaker 2: challenges lead to them hitting themselves in the head, and

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Speaker 2: moments of emotional overload and what can parents do in

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Speaker 2: the moment, because sometimes meltdowns seem to happen out of nowhere,

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Speaker 2: so the best prevention strategies often don't work.

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Speaker 3: That stands out to me the most with this question

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Speaker 3: is the reality that often there is actually very little

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Speaker 3: we can do in the moment. We talk about high

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Speaker 3: emotions and low intelligence, and this idea of when we're

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Speaker 3: emotionally flooded, our thinking part of our brain doesn't work.

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Speaker 2: It just switches off.

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Speaker 3: And a really really clear case in point was when

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Speaker 3: I taught our eldest daughter to drive. First day. She

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Speaker 3: was driving straight for a brick wall, and I could not,

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Speaker 3: for the life of me think of what needed to

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Speaker 3: happen in order to stop that.

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Speaker 2: Oh, you needed to say stop.

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Speaker 3: I did. I was screaming stop. But at no point

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Speaker 3: did my thinking brain go pull the handbrake up right.

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Speaker 2: I didn't.

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Speaker 3: I couldn't. And it wasn't until after that and everything

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Speaker 3: blew up in smoke that it was like, why didn't

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Speaker 3: I pull the handbrake? But I couldn't think of that

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Speaker 3: in that moment because I was so emotionally flooded with

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Speaker 3: the fear the fact that we were about tea to

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Speaker 3: brick wall.

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Speaker 2: I can't remember the name of the podcast listener. I

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Speaker 2: think her name was. Jess sent us an email one

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Speaker 2: time and said, you know that high emotion is low

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Speaker 2: intelligence thing. I don't like it because you're still intelligent,

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Speaker 2: it's just that you're not accessing it. And I think

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Speaker 2: that that was I mean, it's anewmonic, right, but you

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Speaker 2: can't think straight in the high emotion state. Is what

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Speaker 2: she said. Let's get people understanding that when you're on

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Speaker 2: the brink, you need to stop and think. But what

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Speaker 2: Danny's saying in her email is when you're over the brink,

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Speaker 2: it's too late to stop and think, which is what

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Speaker 2: happened with you when our daughter wrote the car off

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Speaker 2: on her very first driving lesson ever, airbags everywhere. I mean,

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Speaker 2: it was just it was a disaster. So how do

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Speaker 2: we help Danny with this? If you had asked me

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Speaker 2: this question a little while ago, maybe a year or

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Speaker 2: two ago, I would have said, once the kids are

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Speaker 2: in that high emotion state where they're blowing up, where

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Speaker 2: the meltdown is just going absolutely bonkers. At that point,

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Speaker 2: you can't do anything. You just have to wait. And

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Speaker 2: I still think that in many cases that may be

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Speaker 2: the case, because as parents, we've got to have the

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Speaker 2: skill set to respond to that. So sometimes my auntswer

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Speaker 2: is still going to be you can't do anything. But

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Speaker 2: over time I've become increasingly convinced that there are things

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Speaker 2: that you can do, and that's what I think we

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Speaker 2: should talk about in today's podcast episode well.

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Speaker 3: Being at a household of girls, there are huge emotions

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Speaker 3: on a regular basis so much.

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Speaker 2: Emotions, gaze of emotion so much.

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Speaker 3: And as I've been learning more about how to deal

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Speaker 3: with my own emotions, which has been so powerful for me,

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Speaker 3: then being able to help our children. One of the

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Speaker 3: things that I've found really eye opening is I just

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Speaker 3: have a sheet with all of the different emoji emotions

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Speaker 3: on it, and the other day, our thirteen year old

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Speaker 3: was displaying some huge emotions, but when I tried to

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Speaker 3: talk to her about it, she completely shut down. And

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Speaker 3: as our kids get older, we often find that instead

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Speaker 3: of their emotions getting bigger, they actually hold them in.

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Speaker 2: It's probably worth highlighting and interrupting, just briefly in this story.

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Speaker 2: Emotion regulation is not just the ability to hold your

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Speaker 2: emotions in. It's the ability to express or suppress appropriately.

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Speaker 2: And when children are emotionally disregulated, like our thirteen year

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Speaker 2: old was here, she's suppressing that emotion, but she's not

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Speaker 2: doing it in a healthy way. It's in a dysregulated way.

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Speaker 2: But she's holding it in because she doesn't want to

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Speaker 2: be explosive. And she also knows that, like a wave

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Speaker 2: on the shore, that emotion is coming in and eventually

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Speaker 2: it is going to go back out and she'll be

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Speaker 2: able to process it and deal with it appropriately. But

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Speaker 2: right here, right now, she's blowing up, and rather than

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Speaker 2: blowing up and making it worse, she's now suppressing it.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes healthy, sometimes not. Just wanted to jump in with that.

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Speaker 3: And so I pulled out the emotions chart and I

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Speaker 3: just said to her, I said, I feel like there's

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Speaker 3: a whole heap of emotion you're feeling at the moment.

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Speaker 3: I said, do you actually know what you're feeling? And

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Speaker 3: she looked at me and she said, ah. I said,

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Speaker 3: maybe we can use the chart, and one by she

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Speaker 3: handpicked about eight different emotions Like that is a lot

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Speaker 3: of emotion for anyone to be going through, but especially

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Speaker 3: as a young teenager who's trying to work life out.

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Speaker 2: And it's even harder when you've got a five or

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Speaker 2: six year old or or a three year old who's

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Speaker 2: experiencing all of those emotions and it doesn't know how

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Speaker 2: I mean, it doesn't even have the words, doesn't have

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Speaker 2: them labels, the names. There's so much happening inside them

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Speaker 2: and they just think there's something wrong with them.

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Speaker 3: And that's how our daughter was feeling specifically this day.

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Speaker 3: So when I realized how many emotions we were dealing with.

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Speaker 3: I said, if you had to hand pick maybe the

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Speaker 3: top two that are taking up the most emotion in

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Speaker 3: your body, what would they be? And she pointed to

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Speaker 3: two and I went great, Now I actually, as a parent,

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Speaker 3: have something to work with, because until that point I

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Speaker 3: had no idea really what was going on. But now

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Speaker 3: she's given me a really beautiful, vivid picture of this

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Speaker 3: is what I'm feeling now.

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Speaker 2: I want to break this down for Danny and everyone

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Speaker 2: else who's saying, how am I supposed to do this?

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Speaker 2: Number One, we've got a child who we're stepping in

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Speaker 2: with a tool. In fact, I think I'm going to

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Speaker 2: get the Happy Family's team to develop a tool and

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Speaker 2: we'll make it available in the shop. I think that

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Speaker 2: we just need to help people with this. You put

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Speaker 2: the tool in front of your child and say, can

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Speaker 2: you just point to these emotions? Because no matter how

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Speaker 2: angry they are, this gentle distraction that's emotion focused and

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Speaker 2: problem solving focused, it will bring them back to the

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Speaker 2: here and now and it gets their logical brain working again.

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Speaker 2: It gets them out of that emotional brain into their

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Speaker 2: logical brain. It's kind of like when you say, can

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Speaker 2: you draw your emotions for me. You can do this

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Speaker 2: with little kids, right and they pull out the black

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Speaker 2: texture and scribble all over the page, and you say, wow,

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Speaker 2: that is a lot.

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Speaker 3: Of until they take that tool to school and they

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Speaker 3: draw all over the carpet the text.

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Speaker 2: And you get a focal from the teacher. But the

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Speaker 2: important part about your story, Kylie, is the way that

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Speaker 2: you've stepped in with compassion and gentleness and a tool

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Speaker 2: so that a child can identify an emotional state.

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Speaker 3: I'm forty plus years old, and for so long I

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Speaker 3: just thought there was angry.

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Speaker 2: Mad, Yes, that angry. It's that angry, scared, stress, and happy.

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Speaker 3: I really struggle to recognize that I could feel a

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Speaker 3: whole heap more. And so for our kids it's the same.

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Speaker 3: They just think they're angry. That's what That's why we

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Speaker 3: have these big emotions. They think they're angry. But helping

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Speaker 3: them to recognize that actually, no, underneath that anger, there

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Speaker 3: is On this particular day, it was shame, it was embarrassment,

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Speaker 3: it was feeling alone, it was feeling isolated. There were

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Speaker 3: so many emotions that weren't actually angry at all, but

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Speaker 3: anger is how we express them.

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Speaker 2: So in the moment that's your big idea. Let's sit

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Speaker 2: down with the tool and let's talk through the tool,

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Speaker 2: because that's going to build the emotional awareness and the

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Speaker 2: emotional regulation in the child. I want to share, I guess,

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Speaker 2: and more advanced, not not that that's not advanced.

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Speaker 3: I can't believe.

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Speaker 2: No, no, no, Honestly I said that I am wrong

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Speaker 2: to say. Is I want to share? So? I mean,

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Speaker 2: you've got you've got great parenting happening here, but I

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Speaker 2: want to share the kind of parenting for the parent

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Speaker 2: who really wants to take on a really big challenge

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Speaker 2: in dealing with really really mega emotions. In some other

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Speaker 2: ways that could also work, But what you said was

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Speaker 2: really great, and I think that it should be encouraged

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Speaker 2: to stop talking. I'm just going to stop talking. Should

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Speaker 2: I just share my story?

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Speaker 3: She's okay.

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Speaker 2: I did actually share this on the podcast a little

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Speaker 2: while ago. I said that all wrong. I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 2: So I shared this while ago. We had one of

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Speaker 2: our adolescent daughters lose the plot. Recently, it was several

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Speaker 2: months ago now, absolutely going off really really psyching at

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Speaker 2: her sister. And when I walked into the room and

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Speaker 2: asked her if she could please step out she defied me,

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Speaker 2: said she wasn't going anywhere. I mean, she was just

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Speaker 2: her eyes were on fire. So after two or three

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Speaker 2: more requests and me standing my ground and staying very soft,

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Speaker 2: very gentle, but also being very clear that there was

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Speaker 2: a boundary that had been crossed and she needed to

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Speaker 2: step out.

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Speaker 3: So before you go on, that's actually such a key point.

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Speaker 3: If we're not taking care of ourselves emotionally and making

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Speaker 3: sure that we're on point, when our kids are losing

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Speaker 3: their plot, more times than not, we lose.

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Speaker 2: The people we join them in the cave.

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Speaker 3: We actually create more chaos. So key to this story

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Speaker 3: working out was that you were in a good space

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Speaker 3: and could hold your ground in being really scented emotionally.

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Speaker 2: Probably want to highlight just on this though, and this

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Speaker 2: is so important for Danny's question. If we're going to

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Speaker 2: step in and help our children regulate that whole idea

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Speaker 2: of regulation, being able to express or suppress appropriately. I

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Speaker 2: was furious with this daughter, the way she had treated

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Speaker 2: her sister. I was furious, so I had to regulate

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Speaker 2: my emotion. I had to suppress that, keep it together

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Speaker 2: and politely, compassionately and gently see that she was going

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Speaker 2: through a struggle, and.

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Speaker 3: That's a tool in and of itself, right, recognizing that

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Speaker 3: when our children are showing big emotions, it's actually getting

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Speaker 3: to a place where we can have compassion for what

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Speaker 3: they are experiencing in that moment.

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Speaker 2: So I held my ground because she was very, very

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Speaker 2: defiant and explained a couple of times she just needed

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Speaker 2: to leave the room and I would be with her

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Speaker 2: soon and we'd work this out. And it was very

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Speaker 2: much oriented towards I'm here to help you. I'm just

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Speaker 2: going to look after your little sister first. Anyway, she

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Speaker 2: stepped onto our little tidal decking area next to the

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Speaker 2: car port and waited for me. When I stepped outside,

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Speaker 2: having checked that her sister was okay, I expressed to

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Speaker 2: her that perhaps perhaps we could go for a walk

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Speaker 2: to the front gates to get some fresh air. Now

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Speaker 2: front gates only about eight meters from the front door,

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Speaker 2: but she agreed to do it, and so we walked there,

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Speaker 2: and it wasn't nearly far enough. She was still hostile

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Speaker 2: and fuming, and so I convinced her to walk to

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Speaker 2: the corner with me. There's something about nature, There's something

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Speaker 2: about being outside when your children are having a meltdown.

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Speaker 2: We always try and deal with it in the living room,

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Speaker 2: and I just I really recommend getting outside. The kids

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Speaker 2: don't respond the same way outside as they do in

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Speaker 2: the four walls the home.

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Speaker 3: We talked about this in our Witching Hour episode last week,

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Speaker 3: this acknowledgment that our baby calmed as soon as she

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Speaker 3: was outside. We learned this lesson very early on, and

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Speaker 3: it has paid endeavored ends every time we've used it

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Speaker 3: with our children.

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Speaker 2: So when we got to the corner, I put my

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Speaker 2: arms out to her and said, can I hug you?

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Speaker 2: And she said no because she hated me right then,

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Speaker 2: and she was really really angry. And I just said

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Speaker 2: to her, very very gently and quietly, I just want

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Speaker 2: to share one thing with you, just one and once

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Speaker 2: I've shared that with you, I won't talk again. And

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Speaker 2: the one thing that I shared with her was that

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Speaker 2: no matter how many doors she slammed, no matter how

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Speaker 2: many insults she shared with her sister, no matter how

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Speaker 2: many challenging moments like this we went through, that I

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Speaker 2: loved her no matter what. Those three key words not

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Speaker 2: I love you, but no matter what. And when I

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Speaker 2: shared that with her, all of the big emotions she'd

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Speaker 2: been feeling dissolved, and a new, big emotion came over

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Speaker 2: her instead, and she burst into tears and hugged me

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Speaker 2: for a few minutes down on the corner before we

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Speaker 2: walked home and we resolved things. The reason that I'm

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Speaker 2: sharing that as an advanced parenting strategy, Kylie, the reason

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Speaker 2: that I said what I said before is because our

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Speaker 2: capacity to hold our emotions in check, to have and

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Speaker 2: hold compassion for children who are being horrible, and then

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Speaker 2: to express unconditional regard and love for them at the

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Speaker 2: right time, in the right place, in a way that

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Speaker 2: makes them receptive to it and brings them back to

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Speaker 2: a place where they can then move forward with finding solutions.

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Speaker 2: It's a really hard thing to do. But when we

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Speaker 2: get our heart right towards our child, when our heart

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Speaker 2: is full of compassion and gentleness, I think that's really

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Speaker 2: the key when our kids are having the meltdown, Danny,

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Speaker 2: It's really about the state of our heart, and if

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Speaker 2: we're oriented towards compassion and helping, then we get better outcomes.

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Speaker 2: They do stop hitting themselves in the head, they do

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Speaker 2: stop beating up their siblings. They do stop saying I

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Speaker 2: hate you or I hate this world. And I want

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Speaker 2: to die. They stop saying those things and they respond

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Speaker 2: to our unconditional love. Will.

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Speaker 3: Just for the record, I didn't really like our thirteen

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Speaker 3: year old that day, Eil.

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Speaker 2: You regulated very well I did. We really hope that

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Speaker 2: this has been useful, Danny, thanks so much for the email.

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Speaker 2: You can email your questions podcasts at happy families dot

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Speaker 2: com dot au. That's podcasts with an s at happy

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Speaker 2: families dot com dot au. Thank you so much for

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Speaker 2: listening to the Happy Families podcasts. We hope that it

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Speaker 2: makes your family happier. The Happy Families podcast is produced

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Speaker 2: by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our

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Speaker 2: executive producer. For more information about making your family happier,

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Speaker 2: please visit us at happy families dot com dot au