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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

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Speaker 2: Now, it's not because your teenager is dumb. And let's

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Speaker 2: not say that the brain is not sufficiently developed. It's

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Speaker 2: not sufficiently mature, but it's actually overdeveloped. There's too much

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Speaker 2: going on up there in the brain. And you know what,

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Speaker 2: they only just stop things when they're around their friends.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and dad.

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Speaker 2: Hello, it's doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy Families

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Speaker 2: dot com dot au. I'm laughing because, well, I'm being criticized.

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Speaker 2: I'm not sitting up straight and tall. I'm slouching in

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Speaker 2: my seat. Missus Happy Families has just walked into the room,

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Speaker 2: left the door open. I've got the heater on. It's

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Speaker 2: so cold. I hate winter. Come and tell you how

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Speaker 2: much I hate winter.

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Speaker 3: Jr. Bring on the violins.

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Speaker 2: I can't believe you're doing this. You're sitting there in

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Speaker 2: a T shirt. It doesn't make make sense to me, Kylie.

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Speaker 2: This week we've had some conversations about parenting myths. I

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Speaker 2: think they've been really great conversations. Yesterday, in an amazing

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Speaker 2: discussion with James Anderson about growth, mindset ideas and how

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Speaker 2: we've got these myths in our heads about how our

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Speaker 2: brains work. Today, we don't have time for anything except

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Speaker 2: to get straight into the myths. We have four of

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Speaker 2: them that we're supposed to talk about in this podcast,

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Speaker 2: and they're all absolute crackers. So myth number one that

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Speaker 2: we should.

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Speaker 3: Be able to continue doing all of the things that

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Speaker 3: we did before children after we have them.

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Speaker 2: That's going to make some parents laugh straight away because

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Speaker 2: they know it's not true. Except I think when we

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Speaker 2: had our first baby, other than the fact that it

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Speaker 2: took a whole lot longer to get in the car

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Speaker 2: and get going because of nappies and nappy bags and

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Speaker 2: all the prep, I don't think that our lives did

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Speaker 2: our lives change enormously with baby number one.

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Speaker 3: No, I don't think they did. And even with baby

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Speaker 3: number two, we had a three year gap between baby

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Speaker 3: one and baby two, so I feel like, you know,

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Speaker 3: we kind of got into a good rhythm and we

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Speaker 3: were able to kind of function, But baby number three

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Speaker 3: was a game changer.

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Speaker 2: Before we get to baby number three, though, I've got

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Speaker 2: to question the premise of this whole thing, like there

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Speaker 2: is an idea that we should be able to do

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Speaker 2: all the things that we were doing before we had

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Speaker 2: a baby. Everyone knows that's not true, and yet we

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Speaker 2: still try to do it. But why, Like when you

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Speaker 2: have a baby, you don't have a baby so that

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Speaker 2: life can stay the same, or do you?

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Speaker 3: I think for me, and I can only speak for

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Speaker 3: me personally. When I gave birth, I became a mother,

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Speaker 3: but I also a daughter and a wife and a

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Speaker 3: person who has interests that take me out of the home.

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Speaker 3: For some of us, we are employees or we're an employer,

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Speaker 3: and when we add mother to our list in some ways,

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Speaker 3: it actually is all encompassing and takes in all of

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Speaker 3: those other roles. And sometimes we find ourselves kind of

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Speaker 3: wondering who we are because we lose a lot of

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Speaker 3: those other interests as a result of the magnitude of

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Speaker 3: responsibility that's placed on our shoulders. As a parent, I

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Speaker 3: get where.

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Speaker 2: You're going with that, and it makes sense, I guess

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Speaker 2: from an identity point of view, I do, but from

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Speaker 2: an efficiency point of view, like you don't have children

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Speaker 2: and expect that life will be efficient and that you're

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Speaker 2: going to be able to get things done easily.

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Speaker 3: I think that in theory we understand that life is

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Speaker 3: going to change, but I think that on the ground practical, yeah,

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Speaker 3: I guess.

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Speaker 2: I mean, you don't holiday the same way with kids

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Speaker 2: that you do without as soon.

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Speaker 3: As you have I don't think you ever realize just

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Speaker 3: how life changing you don't have a child will be.

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Speaker 2: You don't breakfast the way that you did, you don't

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Speaker 2: sleep the way that you did, you don't eat prepare food.

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Speaker 2: You're right, you don't do anything the way that you did,

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Speaker 2: But it's not until you have the baby that you

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Speaker 2: realize just how much it is.

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Speaker 3: And depending on your child's temperament, the challenges that that

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Speaker 3: might arise as a result of, you know, feeding challenges

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Speaker 3: or sleep challenges like it. Just there are so many

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Speaker 3: varied possibilities.

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Speaker 2: So so the myth is that we should be able

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Speaker 2: to do the kinds of things that we did before

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Speaker 2: babies when we do have babies. But you just you can't.

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Speaker 2: Not if you want to give yourself to the.

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Speaker 3: Road for a time, you can, probably.

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Speaker 2: But not if you want to give yourself to the

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Speaker 2: role fully, not when you're sleep disturbed and all those

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Speaker 2: kinds of things, unless you're bringing in outside help, Unless

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Speaker 2: you're going to ignore some of the very significant and

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Speaker 2: real needs of your child or delegate them to somebody else.

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Speaker 2: If you're going to be the primary career of your child,

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Speaker 2: or one of the primary careers of your child, then

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Speaker 2: your life is going to change. And it's a myth

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Speaker 2: that you shouldn't expect that people who say no, no,

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Speaker 2: We're going to do it all on a routine. It's

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Speaker 2: all going to work out, and I'm going to be

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Speaker 2: able to do all the stuff that I did. Just

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Speaker 2: it's not realistic, is it.

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Speaker 3: It really isn't. And I think that as a mum

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Speaker 3: of three children, having gone through baby number one, baby

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Speaker 3: number two and feeling like not much changed and then

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Speaker 3: recognizing that all of a sudden I was completely incapacitated.

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Speaker 3: I actually stopped being able to do any think for

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Speaker 3: a time because I pretty much had a mental breakdown.

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Speaker 3: It was so intense. And I've watched mums over and

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Speaker 3: over again go through the same process, desperately trying to

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Speaker 3: kind of keep their identity of who they were before

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Speaker 3: while adding this full time job to an already full

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Speaker 3: time life and falling to pieces. And I just wish

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Speaker 3: that we understood that it's okay for things to change,

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Speaker 3: and just because they're changing doesn't make them better or worse,

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Speaker 3: it just is. Well.

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Speaker 2: I guess that kind of leads into the next myth

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Speaker 2: that we want to discuss, and we'll probably do it

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Speaker 2: fairly briefly because there's not a lot more to add

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Speaker 2: to what we've already said. But the myth that when

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Speaker 2: you have kids, they just need to follow your routine,

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Speaker 2: they need to fit in with your life. There's a

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Speaker 2: myth that you can actually get your kids to fit

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Speaker 2: in with your life.

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Speaker 3: Yep, And I.

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Speaker 2: Think we can pop that straight away, because kids aren't

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Speaker 2: interested in your life and they're not interested an that

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Speaker 2: when you try to get them to do that, it

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Speaker 2: requires something that I don't think. I think it's superhuman

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Speaker 2: and not natural.

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Speaker 3: Look, putting a disclaimer, it took me six children to

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Speaker 3: actually learn this. I've had so many parents over the

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Speaker 3: years just say let your baby sleep, and it's like, well, no, actually,

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Speaker 3: I've got to go and do the groceries and I've

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Speaker 3: got to do this, and you just get them up

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Speaker 3: and you take them out and you do what you've

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Speaker 3: got to do. And it wasn't until baby number six

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Speaker 3: that I realized if I just let her sleep and

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Speaker 3: do what I need to do in her wake time,

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Speaker 3: my whole world changed. It was a completely different process.

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Speaker 3: She was a calmer baby, I was a calmer mum,

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Speaker 3: And while I didn't have the high energy impact life

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Speaker 3: that I had been living beforehand, it actually was such

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Speaker 3: a beautiful time to rejuvenate.

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Speaker 2: It's kind of a little advertisement for slow parenting. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: because we're not slow people. We never slowed down, but

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Speaker 2: when we did have our little baby girl, Emily, our

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Speaker 2: last one, we've definitely or you definitely slowed down. I

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Speaker 2: don't know how to do that, but you definitely slowed

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Speaker 2: down and it made a difference. So myth number one

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Speaker 2: that we should be able to do everything that we

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Speaker 2: did before once kids come along just not realistic, and

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Speaker 2: we need to accept that there are limitations and boundaries

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Speaker 2: on how far we can go, what we can do,

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Speaker 2: and how it's all going to work, at least until

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Speaker 2: they get a lot older and they start to function

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Speaker 2: a lot more like adults. And when I say a

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Speaker 2: lot older, I'm not talking four or five or six

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Speaker 2: or even seven. I'm talking twelve, thirteen, fourteen, And they

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Speaker 2: still interrupt your life in all kinds of crazy ways

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Speaker 2: and the second idea that kids should follow our routine.

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Speaker 2: It's just not going to happen after the break. Two

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Speaker 2: myths that I can't wait to talk about. The first

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Speaker 2: one that it should be easy to love your kids,

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Speaker 2: and then the myth that all teens and that cases.

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Speaker 2: Your daughter just walked by, eyes glued to her phone,

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Speaker 2: expression unreadable. You ask her to put it down, but

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Speaker 2: she balks. You know it's not good for her, but

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Speaker 2: you're not sure why or how to support better choices.

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Speaker 2: In the webinar pixel perfect, I joined with psychologists and

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Speaker 2: teen tech expert Jocelyn Brewer to discuss how to set

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Speaker 2: screen boundaries that work for you and your daughter. Check

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Speaker 2: out pixel Perfect now on the Happy Families webshop.

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Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for a time

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Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now. And I'm wondering,

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Speaker 3: has it been easy to love our kids?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 2: Yes for me? For me, it has. But I didn't

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Speaker 2: love them the instant that I met them.

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Speaker 3: In every case they're squishy face. It wasn't.

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Speaker 2: It wasn't that I distinctly remember it. With baby number one.

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Speaker 2: I mean, things got easier with subsequent children, I kind

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Speaker 2: of understood the role of father a lot more. But

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Speaker 2: with baby number one, I've read stories about how when

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Speaker 2: a dad holds his baby for the first time or

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Speaker 2: sees that birth for the first time, and he just

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Speaker 2: changes him forever. He knows that things are different now.

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Speaker 2: And yet with baby number one, and even with baby

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Speaker 2: number two, I remember I was actually pretty keen to

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Speaker 2: get back to work. It's like, Okay, well, I've stayed

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Speaker 2: up all night, I've supported you, but I'm just going

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Speaker 2: to get back to life now. And I know that

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Speaker 2: you're going to be at home and have to do

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Speaker 2: whatever you've got to do as mum, but I've got

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Speaker 2: stuff to do. It didn't really change me at all.

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Speaker 2: And it took me time to get used to having

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Speaker 2: this other body, this other human in our space, in

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Speaker 2: our home.

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Speaker 3: Or even sharing that other body with me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, and not being able to get access

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Speaker 2: to you and you being exhaust and all that kind

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Speaker 2: of thing. And I'm not even talking about anything sort

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Speaker 2: of romantic or intimately. I'm just I just mean being

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Speaker 2: able to be in our partnership together, in our marriage together.

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Speaker 2: It took ages for me to really feel like, ah,

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Speaker 2: this is my daughter. This is our daughter, but she's

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Speaker 2: also my daughter, and I'm crazy about her. I was

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Speaker 2: not crazy about our kids initially when they came on,

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Speaker 2: Certainly the first couple. I got better and better at

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Speaker 2: it over time, but I still found them an impediment,

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Speaker 2: an annoyance. I found them frustrating. It's only been the

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Speaker 2: last couple of kids that I've absolutely cherished and embraced

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Speaker 2: it all and loved them from the minute I met them.

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Speaker 2: Not probably the last three kids. First three not so much.

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Speaker 2: And I don't know if it's because it's who I am,

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Speaker 2: or if it's a process that we all go through

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Speaker 2: as parents, But having more kids has been the best

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Speaker 2: thing for me in terms of learning how to love

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Speaker 2: them and embrace them and cherish them.

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Speaker 3: What about you, I think for me, having gone through

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Speaker 3: the physical changes that take place as you actually grow

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Speaker 3: a child, there's instant love and as soon as that

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Speaker 3: baby's placed on my chest, there's just this is mine.

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Speaker 2: And I've watched that happen with you.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. I remember the two that sent out to me

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Speaker 3: the most number of baby number one she I was

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Speaker 3: so tiny back then, and she was micheline Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 3: And I literally looked at her and looked at my

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Speaker 3: little body and couldn't worked out where she'd come from

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Speaker 3: because she was she took up. I couldn't even roll

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Speaker 3: her into a ball to fit her again in the

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Speaker 3: space where she should have been. Like. It was just amazing,

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Speaker 3: And I don't think I really slept for five days

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Speaker 3: straight because I just couldn't take my eyes off her.

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Speaker 3: It was the most amazing experience. And then going through

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Speaker 3: a completely different experience with baby number five and having

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Speaker 3: a caesarean emergency caesar, and having this being placed on me,

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Speaker 3: but not actually understanding where she'd really come from because

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Speaker 3: I hadn't gone through the process that I had with

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Speaker 3: the previous four, And so she was probably the one

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Speaker 3: that I struggled to kind of just connect with the most,

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Speaker 3: just in that initial stage. But I was really grateful

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Speaker 3: I had a beautiful midwife and she just refused to

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Speaker 3: let that baby leave my side, And so for three

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Speaker 3: hours while I waited in recovery, she was on my.

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Speaker 2: Chest so important.

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Speaker 3: So it was, and so by the end of that

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Speaker 3: time there was that deep connection, But that initial kind

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Speaker 3: of was very alien, Like.

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Speaker 2: I remember having a conversation with a mum quite a

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Speaker 2: number of years ago who said that she had a

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Speaker 2: seven year old her eldest child of three. She said

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Speaker 2: she really loved and connected with and found the children

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Speaker 2: number two and three absolutely the light of her life,

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Speaker 2: but she felt like she'd never connected with child number one,

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Speaker 2: just never connected. And we see this stuff, whether it's

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Speaker 2: with postnality depression or whether it's just temperaments and individual differences.

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Speaker 2: But if you're a parent who doesn't feel like you're

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Speaker 2: connecting with your child, please understand it is a myth

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Speaker 2: that you should connect with your child, especially from the

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Speaker 2: very instant. Sometimes these connections take time to grow, sometimes

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Speaker 2: they require especially interventions. Sometimes connections are just stronger with

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Speaker 2: some individuals than with others. And it's a myth that

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Speaker 2: because your blood, yeah, that it's going to be easy

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Speaker 2: to love your kids. I mean, one of our children

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Speaker 2: right now for me, is particularly not easy to love that.

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Speaker 2: I'm the parenting expert on the parenting podcast saying that

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Speaker 2: I'm struggling to love one of our kids.

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Speaker 3: But I don't just love.

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Speaker 2: I think, well, well, I love her and cherish it deeply,

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Speaker 2: but I'm really struggling with her.

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Speaker 3: I don't know, and I agree, Jo, because she's.

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Speaker 2: So obstinate and it's dishonest, and there are so many

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Speaker 2: things going on with this kid right now which only

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Speaker 2: requires more of us. It's not a reason to turn

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Speaker 2: away from her.

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Speaker 3: It's interesting. I just read a friend put a post

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Speaker 3: up today and she just acknowledged that with her youngest,

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Speaker 3: she feels like, unless she's rewriting history, she has never

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Speaker 3: connected with a child as much as she's connected with

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Speaker 3: this one. And then, just as she kind of has

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Speaker 3: thought about it a bit more deeply, she said, I

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Speaker 3: wonder if it's because she's the child that's challenged me

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Speaker 3: the most. She's the one that's actually I've had to

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Speaker 3: work so hard to understand her. And then the acknowledgment

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Speaker 3: that isn't that what all relationships should be like? The

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Speaker 3: more energy we put into them, the greater the outcome

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Speaker 3: and the benefit of that.

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Speaker 2: So that's what's remarkable. The more you put in, even

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Speaker 2: if you're not getting anything back from them, that does

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Speaker 2: something to you. It changes your heart.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's about turning towards your child.

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Speaker 2: Beautiful all right. The last myth, We've only got a

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Speaker 2: minute for it because our time is running out. Teens

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Speaker 2: are stupid is the final myth, and I just I

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Speaker 2: did a webinarch. I'm sure that's not true, a webinar

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Speaker 2: a couple of weeks ago. I have to have to

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Speaker 2: pop this myth. If you're a parent of a teenager

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Speaker 2: who is doing things that do not make sense, things

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Speaker 2: that are unwise, unsafe, unhealthy, it's not because your teenager

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Speaker 2: is dumb. And let's not say that the brain is

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Speaker 2: not sufficiently developed. It's not sufficiently mature, but it's actually overdeveloped.

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Speaker 2: There's too much going on up there in the brain.

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Speaker 2: And you know what, they only do stupid things when

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Speaker 2: they're around their friends. And not all teens do this.

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Speaker 2: Like when you look at the statistics, most teens get

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Speaker 2: through their adolescent years relatively unscathed, without doing anything particularly crazy,

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Speaker 2: anything breathtakingly harmful. Most teens manage to get through their

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Speaker 2: adolescent years in pretty safe, pretty healthy, reasonably wise ways.

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Speaker 2: And in fact, research shows that adolescents, so long as

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Speaker 2: they're not hanging out with dumb friends, adolescents are just

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Speaker 2: as intelligent as adults and are just as capable of

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Speaker 2: putting together strong rational arguments or reasons for or against something.

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Speaker 3: So I think for me, I would actually be more

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Speaker 3: concerned if my kids weren't pushing against the boundaries, if

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Speaker 3: they weren't kind of trying things. And I just I

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Speaker 3: love the energy that our teenagers have and love I

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Speaker 3: love that they're able to live life without fear. You know,

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Speaker 3: as an adult, you become so much more concerned and

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Speaker 3: risk averse, and we don't take those big jumps and

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Speaker 3: leaps in life that youth often will not because they're

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Speaker 3: being negligent or it's kind of like, if I jump,

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Speaker 3: what's the worst thing that can happen? I fall on

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Speaker 3: my bum and I get back up. They don't metaphorically

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Speaker 3: speaking of, they don't see all of the pitfalls that

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Speaker 3: could possibly happen. That experience and maturity often make us

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Speaker 3: focus on.

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Speaker 2: More and in it typically developing healthy psychologically healthy lessen.

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Speaker 2: You're exactly right. We're seeing an increase in mental health

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Speaker 2: issues for young people, which reduces the joy and the

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Speaker 2: spark and the energy and all those things that you're describing,

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Speaker 2: but in normal circumstances, In typical circumstances, you're absolutely right.

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Speaker 2: So there are four myths to bust. That means we've busted.

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Speaker 2: I think what eight myths this week about parenting. I

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Speaker 2: hope you've really enjoyed the conversation and if you can

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Speaker 2: think of any other myths that need to be discussed,

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Speaker 2: maybe even need to be busted, we'd love for you

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Speaker 2: to let us know. Podcasts at Happy families dot com

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Speaker 2: dot AU Tomorrow It's our I'll Do Better Tomorrow episode.

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Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

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Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. We love

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Speaker 2: so much that you choose to spend your time with

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Speaker 2: us each day listening to the Happy Families Podcast. We

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Speaker 2: really hope that you're getting something out of it, and

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Speaker 2: if you are, if you could leave us a five

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Speaker 2: star rating and review on your Apple Podcasts app It

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Speaker 2: only takes about fifteen seconds and it helps other people

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Speaker 2: to find out about the podcast, discover how it can

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Speaker 2: make their families happier and all that jazz. If you

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Speaker 2: would like more info about how you can make your

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Speaker 2: family happier, please join us at Happy Families dot com

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Speaker 2: dot