1 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson, 2 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,960 Speaker 1: where Luke and Suzy and this is the podcast for 3 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,440 Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wons answers Now. 4 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:15,760 Speaker 2: Parenting is so easy, right, talking to your kids as 5 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:19,000 Speaker 2: a breeze. I've experienced a couple of situations with this recently, 6 00:00:19,079 --> 00:00:22,200 Speaker 2: where as an adult having a conversation with our children. 7 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,080 Speaker 2: We've got an eight year old and two six year 8 00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:28,120 Speaker 2: olds where I was caught between you know, like, how 9 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:31,040 Speaker 2: much do I like? One of them was about discipline, 10 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,800 Speaker 2: and one of them was about, you know, whether I 11 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:35,559 Speaker 2: was arbitrary with them, and they thought that I was 12 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,360 Speaker 2: just being mean for the sake of being mean, and 13 00:00:38,159 --> 00:00:40,960 Speaker 2: the other one they wanted to walk a long distance 14 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,159 Speaker 2: without parental supervision. And I was caught between telling them 15 00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:47,680 Speaker 2: about the dangers of a child of eight years old 16 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:51,919 Speaker 2: being by themselves versus not wanting to scare him unnecessarily 17 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 2: of the dangers of the world. And it suddenly all 18 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:55,480 Speaker 2: of this happened in a couple of days, and I 19 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:59,200 Speaker 2: realized how difficult a balance it is to talk to 20 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 2: our children about adult things in a way that gives 21 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:05,560 Speaker 2: them respect and teaches and makes us not seem like 22 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 2: arbitrary idiots, but at the same point not forcing him 23 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,160 Speaker 2: to have to try and understand adult concepts. Yeah, and 24 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,759 Speaker 2: how do I navigate those conversations? Doctor Justin Kilson from 25 00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:17,959 Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot please tell me how to 26 00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:18,319 Speaker 2: talk to my. 27 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:23,039 Speaker 3: Children softly, quietly, we love with compassion. 28 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 4: This is such a hard one because we want them 29 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,280 Speaker 4: to maintain their innocence. We want them to be creative 30 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:33,039 Speaker 4: and to be curious and to explore. And then we say, oh, 31 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:34,919 Speaker 4: but by the way, if you get curious to explore 32 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:36,399 Speaker 4: over there, something bad is going. 33 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:40,560 Speaker 2: To happen to Yeah, and we know, and we've talked 34 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,200 Speaker 2: about this previously. The likelihood or the stats of something 35 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 2: bad happening are very very low. But as a as 36 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,440 Speaker 2: an adult, and it's our job as a parent to 37 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:54,280 Speaker 2: be acutely aware of that small percentage of likelihood, But 38 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 2: we don't want to freak them out about it. At 39 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:57,400 Speaker 2: the same point, one of the things we do is 40 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,680 Speaker 2: I find myself trying not to do it. But when 41 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,520 Speaker 2: we have a conversation with kids, default our catch all 42 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:03,520 Speaker 2: is because I. 43 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:07,320 Speaker 4: Said, so, it's funny because the stats might be maybe 44 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,800 Speaker 4: extraordinarily small, But when it happens to you. 45 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 3: The stats don't matter. 46 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly right, which is what scares us. 47 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,920 Speaker 4: That's exactly that's exactly why we get so worried about it. 48 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,640 Speaker 4: That the likelihood of something bad happening is tiny, but 49 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,760 Speaker 4: if it does, it's going to shake our world in 50 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 4: such significant ways. Look, I think that one of the 51 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,840 Speaker 4: things that we want to do is be really clean 52 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,760 Speaker 4: and clear in our conversation. So let's take the whole 53 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:38,120 Speaker 4: walking to school scenario. You want to walk to school, 54 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:41,560 Speaker 4: you're eight years old. As a parent, you want to 55 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 4: encourage your kids to do this, but at the same time, 56 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 4: they need to be aware that it's not necessarily safe 57 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,359 Speaker 4: for them to do. That is why, and we don't 58 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,560 Speaker 4: need to go into detail, but we do need to 59 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,800 Speaker 4: say there are some people who have bad ideas. 60 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,639 Speaker 3: They're very unusual, they're very rare. 61 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 4: We hardly ever hear about them, or you know, we 62 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,000 Speaker 4: don't even The problem is we don't know who they are, 63 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:07,240 Speaker 4: and therefore we're concerned for your safety and well being. 64 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,919 Speaker 3: And then we look for ways that we can set 65 00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:09,720 Speaker 3: them up for success. 66 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,639 Speaker 4: So we might find that they've got two or three 67 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:14,799 Speaker 4: friends who live nearby who can all walk with them, 68 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,680 Speaker 4: and they can all meet at one person's house and 69 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:19,639 Speaker 4: off they go, or they can promise you that they'll 70 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 4: ride their bike really really really fast, which obviously we're 71 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,320 Speaker 4: probably not going to let them get away with it, 72 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,120 Speaker 4: but you know, it's about having that conversation and exploring 73 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 4: options with them because we want them to have that opportunity. 74 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,600 Speaker 4: A couple of years ago, there was a lady called Leonorskanazi. 75 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 4: She let her nine year old ride the subway home 76 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 4: in New York alone, and she wrote a book called 77 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,080 Speaker 4: Free Range Parenting about it. 78 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:41,280 Speaker 3: Now. 79 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,360 Speaker 4: She was criticized globally for a decision to let a 80 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,600 Speaker 4: nine year old boy ride the New York subway on 81 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,600 Speaker 4: his own. I don't have an opinion about it because 82 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 4: I don't know the context. I don't know the time 83 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,680 Speaker 4: of day. Did she do it at eleven pm? Probably not? 84 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 3: Is he big kid for his age? Maybe? Maybe not. 85 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:58,800 Speaker 3: The point is she made an educated. 86 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 4: Adult guess that he was going to be okay, and 87 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 4: he was, and then she wrote about it and she 88 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 4: made a million dollars out of it. 89 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,360 Speaker 3: Good for her. Would you do that for your kids? 90 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 3: Would you let them do that? Are you okay with them. 91 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,720 Speaker 4: Walking that far to school on their own. And let 92 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,719 Speaker 4: me ask you this question. You might say yes to 93 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,040 Speaker 4: your son, what would you say to your daughter? And 94 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:24,040 Speaker 4: then how do you explain to your children why if 95 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 4: your answer is different, why that answer is different. We 96 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,520 Speaker 4: need to be able to have that conversation. 97 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:28,680 Speaker 2: Now. 98 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,440 Speaker 4: I can't tell you what to say, because every family 99 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 4: and every neighborhood, at every school and every child is different. 100 00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:38,039 Speaker 4: But we do need to have the conversations. It's the 101 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 4: same with sleepovers. Your kids want to go to a sleepover. 102 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 4: Maybe you've got one of those rules that says kids 103 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:49,039 Speaker 4: don't have sleepovers because you or a friend was harmed 104 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,080 Speaker 4: at a sleepover or exposed to something that shouldn't have happened, 105 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,120 Speaker 4: and so you want to protect your kids. And so 106 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,760 Speaker 4: again you make it really clear at this point, we 107 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,000 Speaker 4: don't believe that you're old enough. Here's why, and we 108 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:03,280 Speaker 4: provide a really clear Now, sometimes kids going to be 109 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,359 Speaker 4: really upset with that, and they're going to put pressure on. 110 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,960 Speaker 3: They're going to cry and whipper and moan and mumble 111 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:08,600 Speaker 3: and groan. 112 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 4: And tell you how horrible you are and write horrible 113 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,800 Speaker 4: things and leave letters that say I hate my parents. 114 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 3: Because kids do that sort of stuff. 115 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,239 Speaker 4: This is their life and they care so much about 116 00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:21,640 Speaker 4: having the freedom, and at that point we need to say, well, 117 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:23,000 Speaker 4: you know, how do we protect you, how do we 118 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,560 Speaker 4: make sure you're okay? And we might actually negotiate with them, 119 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,320 Speaker 4: depending on how old they are, or we might simply 120 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,200 Speaker 4: say no because we're the parent. If you were to 121 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 4: draw two circles overlapping, we call that a ven diagram, 122 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:36,320 Speaker 4: and draw these two circles with your kids, and in 123 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 4: one of them write parent decisions and the other one 124 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:42,320 Speaker 4: write child decisions. And then the bit where they overlap, 125 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,479 Speaker 4: you draw an arrow into that pit that part and 126 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 4: you say decisions, we negotiate, and then you have a 127 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,520 Speaker 4: conversation with the kids. You say, you know what, sometimes 128 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,680 Speaker 4: parents just make decisions, and all the things that we 129 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,080 Speaker 4: decide on they go in this circle right here. You 130 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,400 Speaker 4: might even get them to tell you what some of 131 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:59,840 Speaker 4: those things are. What you eat, what school you go to, 132 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:03,640 Speaker 4: what time you go to bed, for example, whether you 133 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,040 Speaker 4: walk to school, whether you go to sleepover parties. And 134 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 4: then in kids' decisions, we say, but you know what, 135 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,839 Speaker 4: we want you to make lots of decisions for yourself. 136 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:11,400 Speaker 3: Can you think of any decisions you're allowed to. 137 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:14,240 Speaker 4: Make, and so you write them all there, and now 138 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,640 Speaker 4: we've got these ones that we can negotiate. And over 139 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:21,040 Speaker 4: time those circles change shape and size, and the kids 140 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,719 Speaker 4: get to make more and more decisions, and the negotiation 141 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:27,320 Speaker 4: space changes as well, and we talk our kids through that. 142 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,479 Speaker 4: Now at some point we might say, because of what 143 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,279 Speaker 4: you're asking, let's have a look at which circle it 144 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 4: goes in. 145 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:32,159 Speaker 3: Oh, look at that. 146 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,880 Speaker 4: It's a parent decision. This is my decision. This is 147 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,440 Speaker 4: why I've decided. And because I said so, its not 148 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,360 Speaker 4: a reason, by the way, exactly, you can't say because 149 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 4: I said so, You've got to explain why, and then 150 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,120 Speaker 4: you leave it there. You say that's just the way 151 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:44,400 Speaker 4: it is. 152 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,080 Speaker 3: Other times you'll say, you know what, I don't care 153 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:47,320 Speaker 3: you decide yep. 154 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 2: And then as a manager in a workplace, in an office, 155 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 2: one of the things I got taught very early on 156 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,479 Speaker 2: is arbitrary communication and decisions from a manager is the 157 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,240 Speaker 2: most destructive thing to the team, because as soon as 158 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,920 Speaker 2: they sort of grasp that that you make random, wild 159 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:05,600 Speaker 2: decisions that make no sense whatsoever, you've lost them. And 160 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:09,039 Speaker 2: I learned that the power of sitting down with someone 161 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,400 Speaker 2: even if you can't give them detail, but give them 162 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:14,240 Speaker 2: the respect of a I can't tell you all the 163 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 2: reasons why I had to make that decision, and I 164 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 2: hope you understand that, but there's confidentialities involved. But no, 165 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 2: I understand your point. I understand it doesn't look like 166 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,840 Speaker 2: it makes sense to you, but I need to make 167 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 2: this like even just as simple as that. You've said 168 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,080 Speaker 2: nothing more, but you've given them a respect to be 169 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,800 Speaker 2: have a conversation, to honor that you know it doesn't 170 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 2: make sense to them. And I learned that as a 171 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 2: manager that as best you can give explanation and give 172 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 2: the respect of a conversation, and your team then follows you, 173 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,680 Speaker 2: sometimes blindly because they trust that you're taking everything into 174 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,360 Speaker 2: account and trying to apply that to my parenting in 175 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,320 Speaker 2: the same way, to go even if they're eight years 176 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,280 Speaker 2: old and six years old and don't understand it, to 177 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,120 Speaker 2: give them a respect of a conversation. And then there's 178 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,720 Speaker 2: a point where you go, I know you're not going 179 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:58,000 Speaker 2: to understand this, but this is in the parent decision column, 180 00:07:58,040 --> 00:07:59,360 Speaker 2: so you're just going to have to go with it. 181 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,000 Speaker 2: I've I've found that when I'm calm enough to go 182 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,560 Speaker 2: through that conversation. Usually they come out the other side 183 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:05,560 Speaker 2: pretty quickly and easily. 184 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,360 Speaker 3: And Susie, that's the key. 185 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:11,720 Speaker 4: Luis just said it when I'm calm and enough, because 186 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,040 Speaker 4: what happens is our kids have got so much energy. 187 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,640 Speaker 4: They've got far more energy to argue about something that 188 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,080 Speaker 4: they want. Then we have energy to argue back about 189 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,239 Speaker 4: why we should say no. 190 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:24,160 Speaker 5: And say, oh, look, for goodness, I've had enough whatever, 191 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,080 Speaker 5: do whatever you want. I'm tired of arguing about it, 192 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,560 Speaker 5: because they just win on energy, you know, the whole 193 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:33,000 Speaker 5: pest of power thing. Teenagers are the worse for that. 194 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:35,480 Speaker 5: But if we can step back from the emotion of it, 195 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,720 Speaker 5: take the energy out of it, and just have that 196 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,160 Speaker 5: frank conversation where we validate their feelings and say, but 197 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 5: this is a parent decision, Yeah, that's it. Or we 198 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,800 Speaker 5: might say, you know now that, now that I see 199 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,840 Speaker 5: things the way you've explained them, maybe we should negotiated 200 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 5: this instead. I have three e's of effective discipline, so 201 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,960 Speaker 5: it's kind of the same thing, but going up another level. 202 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 3: Explain, explore and power. We explain what we want. 203 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 4: And why, we explore how they feel, and then if 204 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,720 Speaker 4: we can negotiate it, we actually empowered them to come 205 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,040 Speaker 4: up with a decision. I think I've shared the story 206 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,960 Speaker 4: about my daughter who wanted Snapchat, and I explained all 207 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,080 Speaker 4: the reasons I didn't want it to have it, and 208 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:12,920 Speaker 4: then she said, but Dad, I've been to your seminars, 209 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,600 Speaker 4: and while they're good reasons, I know that now you've 210 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:18,840 Speaker 4: got to explore why I want it. This is the 211 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 4: problem with being a parent. And so I said to her, sure, 212 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,240 Speaker 4: let me explore that. And she told me her reasons. 213 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:27,520 Speaker 4: All my friends are on it, which means two of 214 00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:30,079 Speaker 4: her friends are on it, and I don't want to 215 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,360 Speaker 4: be the only one that hasn't got it because all 216 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:31,920 Speaker 4: my friends are on it. 217 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,280 Speaker 3: And I said, well, all your friends are on Facebook. 218 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:33,800 Speaker 3: Just talked to them. 219 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:37,559 Speaker 4: There I've explored, and I'm going back to my explanation, 220 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,440 Speaker 4: just use Facebook. And she said she was really great. 221 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,120 Speaker 4: She said, Dad, you haven't explored properly. You've closed your mind. 222 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 4: And I said, well, well, open my mind helped me 223 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 4: to understand. And she said, you're telling me to be 224 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,680 Speaker 4: on Facebook while all my friends are on Snapchat is 225 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:51,520 Speaker 4: like you telling me to go to the park while 226 00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:54,040 Speaker 4: of my friends are at the beach. I was like, Wow, 227 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:57,720 Speaker 4: that's all of a sudden, just like you, Luke. I went, ah, 228 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,199 Speaker 4: and it opened up my eyes a little bit. I 229 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:01,600 Speaker 4: actually was to explore. I saw the world through her eyes. 230 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,800 Speaker 4: I was like, goly, that's good. So then I said 231 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,280 Speaker 4: to her, you know there's a problem with that, though, 232 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,280 Speaker 4: because at the beach there are rips and sweeps and currants, 233 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,240 Speaker 4: and there are sharks and stingers, and there are syringes 234 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:16,160 Speaker 4: in the sand, and there's sun. You're going to get 235 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:19,600 Speaker 4: sun burnt, and there's perverts. And she said, have you 236 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:26,040 Speaker 4: been to the park lately? And she was Facebook and 237 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 4: Instagram are not exactly the safest places to be, and. 238 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:31,839 Speaker 1: From Facebook. 239 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,800 Speaker 2: Not the consequence she was after. 240 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,439 Speaker 4: So I said to her that Genie was out of 241 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:41,040 Speaker 4: the bottle. I said, okay, well I've explained and now 242 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,800 Speaker 4: we've explored. So I guess we need to move to empower. 243 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,880 Speaker 4: And while she didn't use these words, I'm extending the 244 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,920 Speaker 4: metaphor and putting words in her mouth now, but she 245 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,640 Speaker 4: basically said that if I go to the beach, I 246 00:10:50,679 --> 00:10:53,319 Speaker 4: promise I'll wear a sun's shirt and a sun hat, 247 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,240 Speaker 4: and I promise I'll put lots of sunscreen on and 248 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,559 Speaker 4: I'll just play in the rock pools. You know, she 249 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:00,000 Speaker 4: came up with some guidelines for her use of snap 250 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:03,000 Speaker 4: Chat that were completely acceptable to me, and so we 251 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,080 Speaker 4: were able to say yes. 252 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,080 Speaker 3: And so that's a long way of answering your question, Luke. 253 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,520 Speaker 4: But what we're really doing here is we're working with 254 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,559 Speaker 4: our kids rather than arbitrarily doing things to them. Whether 255 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,640 Speaker 4: it's walking to school, or whether it's going to the sleepover, 256 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:19,480 Speaker 4: it's using social media, whatever the issue is, we work 257 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,480 Speaker 4: out whether it's my decision, your decision, or our decision, 258 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,719 Speaker 4: and then we explain, explore and power. 259 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,320 Speaker 2: Which I love because even with our eight year old, 260 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 2: I can see those conversations where, in a sense accidentally, 261 00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:33,840 Speaker 2: we fell upon that with the walking to school thing 262 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,280 Speaker 2: where I picked him up that afternoon and he said, 263 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,440 Speaker 2: can I at least walk to the corner at the 264 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,520 Speaker 2: service station and you've picked me up from there? And 265 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,640 Speaker 2: I went, you know what, I can see it it's controlled. 266 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,640 Speaker 2: There's a lot of other kids. I can feel comfortable 267 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:50,240 Speaker 2: enough to give him some leeway, and he was empowered 268 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,640 Speaker 2: to feel like he was independent and on his own, 269 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 2: where I thought the risk factor was so low I 270 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,120 Speaker 2: was willing to make that call, and we met that 271 00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:00,280 Speaker 2: middle ground because he engaged with understanding. Okay, I'm not 272 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:01,880 Speaker 2: going to win this one with dad, but can you 273 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:02,840 Speaker 2: give me a little bit. 274 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,560 Speaker 4: The camel stick in its nose into the tent in 275 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 4: the desert. You know what else you could do, though, 276 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:14,240 Speaker 4: is you could just buy a drone, yes, and. 277 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:17,840 Speaker 2: Attach a leash to him, which which the drone keeps 278 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:19,680 Speaker 2: loution most of the time. If there's any danger, then 279 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:21,880 Speaker 2: the joint just goes up and out of danger. 280 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:22,520 Speaker 1: That'd be great. 281 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,640 Speaker 2: Just watch out for the power lines, right. 282 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,800 Speaker 1: Oh, such a good thing to explore these conversations. I've 283 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,600 Speaker 1: got ven diagrams. 284 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,600 Speaker 2: Glare in my head at the moment. 285 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,560 Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Coulson from Happy Families dot com, that are you? 286 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:36,280 Speaker 1: Thank you so much? 287 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:38,960 Speaker 2: With you sou he's got the Olympic rings. 288 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,160 Speaker 1: You can certainly find some more resources available to help 289 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:47,680 Speaker 1: you in your parenting journey at happy families dot com 290 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,680 Speaker 1: dot au. If doctor Justin Coulson is someone that you'd 291 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,280 Speaker 1: be interested in having speak at your community event or organization, 292 00:12:54,400 --> 00:13:03,760 Speaker 1: you can find those details at Justinculson dot com.