1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,080
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

2
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,160
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.

3
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,560
Speaker 2: Now, both of us we've made intentional choices to dispont

4
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:15,440
Speaker 2: different with the way we would dispont. That is, we

5
00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:18,000
Speaker 2: tried to avoid punishments at all costs and just work

6
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:19,840
Speaker 2: with our kids, whereas both of our parents did a

7
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:22,560
Speaker 2: lot of things to us to make us comply or

8
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:23,320
Speaker 2: do what they wanted.

9
00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:26,720
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom

10
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:27,240
Speaker 1: and dad.

11
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,479
Speaker 2: Every now and again the topic comes up that I'm

12
00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:31,920
Speaker 2: so excited to talk about. But this one's going to

13
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,600
Speaker 2: be a bit of a dicey one. Recently on Reddit,

14
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,600
Speaker 2: I'm not a big Reddit user, but someone flicked me

15
00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:41,960
Speaker 2: something that caught my attention. Some redditors got online and

16
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,800
Speaker 2: pretty much said, hey, what do you do differently to

17
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:49,199
Speaker 2: your parents? What did your parents do? And because they

18
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,120
Speaker 2: did that, you've consciously and intentionally looked at the way

19
00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:54,400
Speaker 2: you were raised and thought, no way am I going

20
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,640
Speaker 2: to do that when I get older. I had this

21
00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:59,000
Speaker 2: conversation with a handful of people recently and asked them

22
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,400
Speaker 2: what their answers were, and I should just mention before

23
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,280
Speaker 2: we played the first of these that it was a

24
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,280
Speaker 2: noisy environment that I recorded them, so you'll hear.

25
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,400
Speaker 3: A whole lot of ambient background noise.

26
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:11,320
Speaker 2: This is what they said, Sarah from the Hawksbury. What

27
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,680
Speaker 2: was it that your parents did that you made a

28
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:15,560
Speaker 2: commitment not to do.

29
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:20,040
Speaker 4: My parents were heavy drinkers, both of them. So I

30
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:24,160
Speaker 4: don't drink any alcohol now because I've seen the effects

31
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,360
Speaker 4: of that, and I think it's important for our children

32
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,880
Speaker 4: to not be around that. I was always having to

33
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:33,800
Speaker 4: fill up their drinks for them and watch them slowly

34
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,679
Speaker 4: go downhill every night of my life.

35
00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:40,560
Speaker 2: That's an unexpected and fairly challenging issue. Isn't it great though,

36
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:44,960
Speaker 2: that Sarah has recognized and made a conscious decision that

37
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,199
Speaker 2: she's not going to let that happen in her home.

38
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,800
Speaker 5: The next one's from Allison from war Hope.

39
00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,720
Speaker 6: Mom and dad treat us all equally. And now you

40
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,200
Speaker 6: would think, right, that's a really great thing, and to

41
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:56,960
Speaker 6: a lot of people, yes it is. But I remember,

42
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,160
Speaker 6: you know, we come home from like a sports carnival

43
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,720
Speaker 6: or something. One of us may have won a race

44
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:05,440
Speaker 6: and someone else got a participation award, and we both

45
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,120
Speaker 6: got the same amount of praise, and that used to

46
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,400
Speaker 6: go you know what I thought. So I now, if

47
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,000
Speaker 6: one kid does better than the other in something, I'm

48
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,920
Speaker 6: very happy for, you know, to still give the other

49
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:20,200
Speaker 6: one attention, but to really focus on that achievement, as

50
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,400
Speaker 6: opposed to just always you tried your best, and that's

51
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,519
Speaker 6: all we ever asked for. Therefore you all did perfectly

52
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,440
Speaker 6: in our eyes today, that's terrible parenting. It.

53
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,200
Speaker 2: So there's a controversial one right there. I think that

54
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,160
Speaker 2: I might have a few things to say about that one.

55
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:35,400
Speaker 6: Well.

56
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,639
Speaker 5: I actually love this one because I had a conversation

57
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:39,440
Speaker 5: with one of our children the other day. I was

58
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,320
Speaker 5: able to share a really special experience with her that

59
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,600
Speaker 5: was related to her. It was just this acknowledgment to

60
00:02:45,639 --> 00:02:48,080
Speaker 5: her that while I have the same depth of love

61
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,320
Speaker 5: for each of the children, for me to say that

62
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,799
Speaker 5: I love them all the same is actually not true

63
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,560
Speaker 5: because I have a different relationship with each of them

64
00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:02,400
Speaker 5: as individuals, and therefore the love that I share with

65
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,359
Speaker 5: them feels different to each of them.

66
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,880
Speaker 3: Now, this next one's from Jonathan of the Gold Coast.

67
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,079
Speaker 7: When I was growing up, my parents were a little

68
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,960
Speaker 7: intimidating and punitive when it came to things that we

69
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:18,040
Speaker 7: did wrong, and I try not to be so intimidating

70
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,840
Speaker 7: and punitive with my children, because I think that that

71
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,520
Speaker 7: breeds secrecy and teaches our kids to lie. And I

72
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,280
Speaker 7: want my kids to be open and feel comfortable with

73
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,480
Speaker 7: coming to me with anything.

74
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,640
Speaker 3: There's a lot to unpacking. This isn't there.

75
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,720
Speaker 2: There are so many fascinating conversations that you can have.

76
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,480
Speaker 5: The next one's from Cat. She's also on the Gold Coast.

77
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:41,480
Speaker 8: So I was brought up by very strict parents. They

78
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:47,000
Speaker 8: had a very short leash, and I found that once

79
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:51,800
Speaker 8: I got older, I went crazy. Kids need the freedom

80
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:56,080
Speaker 8: to experience life and not be held back so much.

81
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,720
Speaker 8: So I feel like with our kids were a bit

82
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,320
Speaker 8: more flexible with them.

83
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,480
Speaker 2: So, Kylie, some really fascinating responses from people that I

84
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:04,640
Speaker 2: bumped into and had to chat with.

85
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:06,840
Speaker 3: But you and I were talking about as well.

86
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,560
Speaker 2: And there's a handful of things that you and I

87
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,320
Speaker 2: have intentionally chosen to do differently based on the way

88
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:12,840
Speaker 2: we were raised.

89
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:13,680
Speaker 3: What did you jot down?

90
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,800
Speaker 5: Well, I do remember, not very often, but I do

91
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,000
Speaker 5: remember having my mouth washed out with soper a couple

92
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:19,600
Speaker 5: of times.

93
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:20,080
Speaker 3: Wow.

94
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,200
Speaker 5: Definitely smacking was in there, but grounding. I was grounded

95
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,400
Speaker 5: a lot for doing the wrong things.

96
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,159
Speaker 3: So was I. I remember I got pined.

97
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,839
Speaker 2: I shouldn't. Even the kids don't know about this. I

98
00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:33,000
Speaker 2: got done shoplifting when I was a teenager. I was

99
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,159
Speaker 2: a rotten kid when I was a teenager, and it

100
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:38,040
Speaker 2: was before Christmas, and my parents grounded me till Easter.

101
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:39,240
Speaker 6: Wow.

102
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, literally, they.

103
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,240
Speaker 2: Said, you're not surfing, You're not You're not doing any

104
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,720
Speaker 2: of the stuff that you did. They did they follow through, No,

105
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,560
Speaker 2: they had no chance, but they tried. You made it

106
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,640
Speaker 2: sound really bad when I know your mum and dad.

107
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,839
Speaker 2: It was a four month grounding. I think that it

108
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,240
Speaker 2: lasted about four days, but it was miserable. Those four

109
00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,760
Speaker 2: days were awful, you know.

110
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,760
Speaker 5: I remember again Kat said it as well in hers.

111
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,960
Speaker 5: I remember as I got older, my parents actually got

112
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:09,680
Speaker 5: like I know that they were trying to loosen the reins,

113
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:14,000
Speaker 5: but they actually got tighter, that fearful anxiousness around, you know,

114
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,520
Speaker 5: not wanting me to not wanting me to find myself

115
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,159
Speaker 5: in a position where I'd make it bad choice, or

116
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,680
Speaker 5: being worried that there were bad people out there that would,

117
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,680
Speaker 5: you know, take advantage of me. And so I knew

118
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:27,800
Speaker 5: that it was always coming from a place of love,

119
00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:30,039
Speaker 5: but it just left me second guessing my own ability

120
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,440
Speaker 5: to make good choices.

121
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, So what have you intentionally done differently? I

122
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:34,360
Speaker 3: mean I did.

123
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,640
Speaker 2: Both of us we've made intentional choices to disiplind differently

124
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,719
Speaker 2: the way we would disappoint. That is, we tried to

125
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,239
Speaker 2: avoid punishments at all costs and just work with our kids,

126
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,920
Speaker 2: whereas both of our parents did a lot of things

127
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,960
Speaker 2: to us to make us comply or do what they wanted.

128
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,200
Speaker 2: So what have you done differently?

129
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,880
Speaker 5: I think that you and I have had this really

130
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:56,760
Speaker 5: wonderful mix of sometimes feels like too many conversations with

131
00:05:56,839 --> 00:06:01,400
Speaker 5: our kids, but really including them in the conversations. I

132
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,080
Speaker 5: know my parents tried to do that. They definitely tried

133
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:08,719
Speaker 5: to do that. But as we've talked through the different

134
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,680
Speaker 5: choices that they want to make, we've been able to

135
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:16,719
Speaker 5: have really good conversations with them and work together to

136
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:20,120
Speaker 5: find a solution that, while that kids will always say

137
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:24,479
Speaker 5: hasn't hasn't necessarily felt like an equal win win to them,

138
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:30,159
Speaker 5: there has been a definite acknowledgement that they've felt heard.

139
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:30,640
Speaker 3: Well.

140
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,160
Speaker 2: Even if we go back to the conversation that you

141
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,200
Speaker 2: and I had on Friday in hour, I'll do better tomorrow,

142
00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:36,600
Speaker 2: just a couple of days ago. The way that our

143
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,000
Speaker 2: eldest has reflected and said, I didn't really like the rules,

144
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:42,599
Speaker 2: but they they've always been good rules, and I'm coming

145
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,240
Speaker 2: back to them increasingly. The elder I get and I mean,

146
00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:46,720
Speaker 2: she's moved out, married, all that sort of stuff, but

147
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,919
Speaker 2: she sees the value in it. And I think that

148
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:53,320
Speaker 2: comes from the conversations that we had. And it's internalized, right,

149
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,200
Speaker 2: rather than I'm doing it because my parents made.

150
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,880
Speaker 3: Me do it. It's internalized and that's the powerful thing.

151
00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:01,200
Speaker 2: After the break, a couple of other things that we've

152
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,680
Speaker 2: intentionally chosen to do differently to our parents, and the

153
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,520
Speaker 2: conversation that you have with your parents when they say,

154
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,240
Speaker 2: did I do okay?

155
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:09,800
Speaker 3: Raising you?

156
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:17,440
Speaker 2: The unhealthy, unhelpful boy code that is rampant in our

157
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,760
Speaker 2: children's school and social environments encourages some persistent and dangerous

158
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,360
Speaker 2: ideas about what it means to be male. But the

159
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,480
Speaker 2: Building Better Boys webinar is here to help unpack these

160
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:32,360
Speaker 2: cultural ideas and help guide our boys to be brilliant, beautiful,

161
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:36,280
Speaker 2: and even better. Building Better Boys is available today online

162
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,000
Speaker 2: at Happy Families dot com dot au.

163
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,960
Speaker 5: It's The Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for a Time

164
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,960
Speaker 5: Poor Parent who just wants Answers.

165
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:43,320
Speaker 3: Now, Kylie.

166
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,280
Speaker 2: When I was a kid, my dad used to drive

167
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,840
Speaker 2: a milk truck around the place and deliver milk. And

168
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:49,600
Speaker 2: he used to let me sit in the back of

169
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,880
Speaker 2: the milk truck in the milk crates while he was

170
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,040
Speaker 2: delivering the milk. And I don't think that I would

171
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,200
Speaker 2: let my kids, our kids do that.

172
00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,560
Speaker 5: I actually split my chin open because I was sitting

173
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,320
Speaker 5: on the boot of the car while it was moving.

174
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,600
Speaker 5: My parents weren't actually driving it. They would have probably not,

175
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:09,040
Speaker 5: but that was the thing, right, Yeah, Yeah, I was,

176
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:12,480
Speaker 5: But I remember I remember being very very young and

177
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,680
Speaker 5: seat belts weren't enforced back then.

178
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:15,920
Speaker 3: Sit in the front seat of the car.

179
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:16,440
Speaker 7: Yeah.

180
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,920
Speaker 5: We would go on long travel trips to visit family

181
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,440
Speaker 5: in New Zealand, and my mum would actually either fill

182
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,760
Speaker 5: the boot of the wagon and that would be where

183
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:28,680
Speaker 5: we would sleep, and we would sit in there and

184
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:32,120
Speaker 5: eat and then sleep or lie down, or once we

185
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,760
Speaker 5: didn't have the wagon, it was the back seat and

186
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,120
Speaker 5: she'd fill the footholes with all of our baggage and

187
00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:38,600
Speaker 5: stuff and then put the douna over the top, so

188
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,440
Speaker 5: we had more lay down lay down space for me

189
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:42,200
Speaker 5: and my sisters.

190
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,280
Speaker 2: We had a Volvo station Wagon, you know the ones

191
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,000
Speaker 2: with the rear facing seats and you could wave to

192
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,120
Speaker 2: the people in the car behind you.

193
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,000
Speaker 5: We fancy.

194
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,040
Speaker 2: We We used to be in the in the Volvo

195
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,199
Speaker 2: station Wagon and Mum and Dad would lay down the

196
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,120
Speaker 2: back seats so there was a nice big flat area,

197
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,920
Speaker 2: put down the blankets and the pillows, and we'd all

198
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,440
Speaker 2: fall asleep as we drive from Auburn back to the

199
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,960
Speaker 2: New South Wales Central Coast, because my grandparents lived in

200
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:06,040
Speaker 2: Auburn and Mum and Dad lived on the coast, so

201
00:09:06,559 --> 00:09:08,480
Speaker 2: we just fall asleep as Mum and Dad drove up

202
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,360
Speaker 2: the Pacific Highway.

203
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:12,760
Speaker 5: I remember when I was about four, I had this

204
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:20,200
Speaker 5: gorgeous little like old school metal dolls pram with the advisor.

205
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:27,360
Speaker 2: What do you call the thing canopy sun shelter, I

206
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,040
Speaker 2: don't know the name of it, with the thing that

207
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,679
Speaker 2: goes over the top, the baby protected from the son

208
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:32,559
Speaker 2: of the Anyway.

209
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,160
Speaker 5: I had one of these gorgeous little prams and I

210
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,240
Speaker 5: used to I used to walk it all the way

211
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,360
Speaker 5: up the driveway to the letter box because back in

212
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,800
Speaker 5: those days, they dropped the milk like your dad dropped

213
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,560
Speaker 5: the milk. The milk off at the front door, at

214
00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:45,640
Speaker 5: the letter box, and they were glass bottles back then,

215
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,200
Speaker 5: and so I would put it inside the dolls pram

216
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,360
Speaker 5: so they wouldn't smash on the way home. And then

217
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,040
Speaker 5: I walked down. And then once I got to be

218
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:57,440
Speaker 5: about five, I would actually walk the block. I walked

219
00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,640
Speaker 5: the block to the corner store.

220
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,839
Speaker 2: You probably have sely too many five year olds walking

221
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:04,680
Speaker 2: around the block, do you. I mean, that's not I

222
00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:05,840
Speaker 2: felt so mature.

223
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,440
Speaker 5: But I'm looking at my eight year old and there's

224
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,360
Speaker 5: no way i'd let her walk the block.

225
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,160
Speaker 3: No, no, not at all. No.

226
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,880
Speaker 2: In fact, the last time she tried to, we got

227
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,000
Speaker 2: a phone call from the neighbors because she'd fallen off

228
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,679
Speaker 2: a scooter and damaged her cel phone. But I think

229
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,680
Speaker 2: all of this highlights that parenting has changed, and we've

230
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,960
Speaker 2: become a lot more intentional and a lot more intensive,

231
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,080
Speaker 2: a lot more intentional and a lot more intensive about

232
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,920
Speaker 2: our parenting. I want to acknowledge a couple of things,

233
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,640
Speaker 2: and there's a purpose to this conversation.

234
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,280
Speaker 3: Our parents did the best.

235
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:37,160
Speaker 2: That they could, and every now and again, our parents

236
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,839
Speaker 2: might have a conversation with us along the lines of

237
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:41,640
Speaker 2: did I do okay?

238
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,280
Speaker 3: Were we good parents? I don't know, have your parents

239
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:45,400
Speaker 3: ever had that conversation with you.

240
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,680
Speaker 5: I don't think they've actually asked that question. But they've

241
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:52,600
Speaker 5: apologized a lot as they've gotten older, they've recognized where

242
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:56,160
Speaker 5: they where their shortcomings were as a parent. We've had

243
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:59,440
Speaker 5: plenty of conversations where we've I guess been able to

244
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,800
Speaker 5: air I guess our grievances or challenges that we had

245
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:08,560
Speaker 5: in those years. I remember having a conversation with you

246
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,080
Speaker 5: as you've been researching your next book and talking about

247
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:17,200
Speaker 5: parenting back in the boh forever ago. And this idea

248
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:21,360
Speaker 5: that we make judgment calls on where we are in

249
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:25,800
Speaker 5: today twenty twenty two of things that happened one hundred

250
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,439
Speaker 5: years ago, two hundred years ago.

251
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,440
Speaker 3: Well just one generation ago when we were being raised.

252
00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:33,680
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I think it relates very much so to

253
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,680
Speaker 5: the way we were raised. The way we were raised

254
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:41,559
Speaker 5: twenty thirty, forty fifty years ago is white years different

255
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:46,280
Speaker 5: from how we now understand, right parenting, it's.

256
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,360
Speaker 2: A function of the time. So there's a favorite quote

257
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,839
Speaker 2: of mine when we're talking about things of a historical nature,

258
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:55,400
Speaker 2: and that is the past is a different country, they

259
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,080
Speaker 2: do things differently there, or the past is a foreign country,

260
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,840
Speaker 2: they do things differently there. I had a conversation with

261
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,920
Speaker 2: my parents a little while ago where they were lamenting

262
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:07,400
Speaker 2: all of the parenting mistakes that they made, and my mom,

263
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,920
Speaker 2: I guess, in some ways just seeking reassurance, she asked me.

264
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,640
Speaker 2: And of course she's asking the guy that's written all

265
00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:15,080
Speaker 2: these books. I've given my life to the study of

266
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,560
Speaker 2: what makes a great parent? She said, Was I a

267
00:12:17,559 --> 00:12:20,040
Speaker 2: good parent? Did I do a good job? And there

268
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,760
Speaker 2: are so many different ways that each of us could

269
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,280
Speaker 2: answer that question if our parents asked us that question.

270
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:26,320
Speaker 2: Some of us have been raised in homes where there

271
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,640
Speaker 2: was trauma and abuse. Some of us have been raised

272
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:32,160
Speaker 2: in homes where there's been alcoholism, or maybe the parents

273
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,840
Speaker 2: stuck together for the kids, but it was toxic and horrible.

274
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,840
Speaker 2: There's been so many different ways that people have been raised.

275
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,800
Speaker 5: I think maybe there was just depression and mental illness

276
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:47,040
Speaker 5: and as a result, parents were just physically there but

277
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,040
Speaker 5: emotionally not.

278
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's so easy for me to say, well, mum,

279
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,120
Speaker 2: you know, based on what's on page seventy six, of

280
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,600
Speaker 2: this textbook and page forty one of that textbook, and

281
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,600
Speaker 2: based on this theory and that theory, No, you didn't,

282
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,240
Speaker 2: but that's not going to be helpful for me for

283
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:04,760
Speaker 2: her in terms of moving forward. So my encouragement for

284
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,400
Speaker 2: anybody who has one of these conversations with their parents,

285
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,120
Speaker 2: which I think is almost inevitable for many of us,

286
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,439
Speaker 2: as we're raising our own children and our parents start

287
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,120
Speaker 2: to make comments about how they raised us, or how

288
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,480
Speaker 2: we're doing it wrong and we should be doing it

289
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,360
Speaker 2: like they did it, or whatever it is, I think

290
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,520
Speaker 2: that the right response, or at least a healthy response,

291
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,520
Speaker 2: is usually going to be I know that you did

292
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,400
Speaker 2: the very best that you could, and I just need

293
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,160
Speaker 2: you to let me do the very best that I can.

294
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,240
Speaker 2: Now as well, it might be a different best to

295
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,040
Speaker 2: your best, but I'm grateful for what you did. I'm

296
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:37,160
Speaker 2: grateful that you tried, and I know you loved me.

297
00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:39,000
Speaker 2: And that's pretty much what I said to my mom.

298
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,320
Speaker 2: I said, I know that you did everything that you

299
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,360
Speaker 2: knew how to do, and I know you didn't get

300
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,840
Speaker 2: all the outcomes you were looking for, but I'm grateful

301
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:46,520
Speaker 2: that you're my mum.

302
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,600
Speaker 3: And then just don't say anything else.

303
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,200
Speaker 5: As I think about the conversation that I might end

304
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:55,320
Speaker 5: up having in twenty thirty forty years time from now,

305
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,480
Speaker 5: with each of our children, living my own life and

306
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,400
Speaker 5: understanding and knowing intimately the thoughts and feelings of my

307
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:06,560
Speaker 5: own heart. I know that I have gotten wrong so

308
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:12,080
Speaker 5: many times. That my intentions were good, and my desire

309
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:16,040
Speaker 5: to help teach my children and give them the very

310
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,360
Speaker 5: best in life was always at the heart of everything

311
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:22,000
Speaker 5: that I did, and so I have to believe that

312
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,960
Speaker 5: that was the case for my mom and dad as well.

313
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,120
Speaker 5: And in spite of the fact that they didn't always

314
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:31,280
Speaker 5: get it right, knowing that they had such a deep

315
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:34,440
Speaker 5: love for me hopefully is enough to bridge the gap

316
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:38,320
Speaker 5: between what they actually did and the love that they

317
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:38,800
Speaker 5: had for me.

318
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,760
Speaker 2: Some people might get help to work through some of

319
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,440
Speaker 2: those gaps that are unbridgable otherwise.

320
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,440
Speaker 3: But I think that's a really great way to end

321
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,680
Speaker 3: it here. So we hope that you've taken some inspirations

322
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,160
Speaker 3: and ideas from this podcast.

323
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,440
Speaker 2: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from

324
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,640
Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd

325
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,360
Speaker 2: like more ideas about how you can make your family happier.

326
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,840
Speaker 2: Please visit us at happy families dot com DOTU. And

327
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,440
Speaker 2: if you haven't reached out to your parents lately to

328
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,440
Speaker 2: thank them for doing the very best that they could

329
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,320
Speaker 2: even though you're doing things differently, maybe they would be

330
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:13,040
Speaker 2: a good day to do it,