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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Black African Woman Network. I'm Sonia Dubet

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Speaker 1: and this platform is a safe space for the modern

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Speaker 1: millennial Black African woman to be seen, be heard, and

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Speaker 1: be inspired. We're so excited to have Amanda and Rumby

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Speaker 1: of the It's Laired podcast with us for the Laired

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Speaker 1: Expectations special.

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Speaker 2: Over to you ladies.

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Speaker 3: Enjoy.

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Speaker 4: Hi guys, welcome to Layered Expectations Especial. We're running for

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Speaker 4: the Ball Black African Women Network.

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Speaker 3: Today.

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Speaker 4: We've got such a special episode for you Dating in

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Speaker 4: your thirties Ish. I don't know about you, guys, but

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Speaker 4: I'm pretty excited for this. This episode is just going

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Speaker 4: to go through dating and we got through these special

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Speaker 4: guests special to us, and I'm sure as you guys

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Speaker 4: get to know them, they'll be special to you. First

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Speaker 4: stuff is Pina. Beautiful Pina. She's such a gentle soul,

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Speaker 4: one of my oldest friends in Australia and I'm really

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Speaker 4: really keen to get her amazing insight into dating.

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Speaker 3: Hi, piner Ah, and we've also got here with us Diddy.

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Speaker 5: She is a truly electric being. When you meet her,

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Speaker 5: you feel her energy, love her perspective on life, love

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Speaker 5: her care free nature but also still caring, which is

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Speaker 5: just beautiful to see. Diddy welcome. We're so happy to

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Speaker 5: have you here.

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Speaker 6: Thank you so much, thanks for having me.

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Speaker 4: And the Malchi hyphen nature. I say, DJ Kicks is

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Speaker 4: in the building. You might have heard her lovely podcast

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Speaker 4: that we're waiting for season two, Di Do Kicks. I'm

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Speaker 4: watching you private Affairs, and she's here today, not not

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Speaker 4: in that space, but definitely you're welcoming her perspective on

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Speaker 4: day in your thirties.

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Speaker 2: Hey, thanks for having me.

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Speaker 5: Awesome, Thank you so much for being here, ladies, and

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Speaker 5: we're gonna get right into it. The first question we have,

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Speaker 5: and I'm going to direct this one to DJ Kicks.

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Speaker 5: Could you give us a brief into your dating life

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Speaker 5: from like high school into like now this stage of

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Speaker 5: your life into our thirties.

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Speaker 2: What were you Chile? I don't know what.

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Speaker 7: Going all the way back to my school high school,

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Speaker 7: I would say that high school was pretty decent. Like

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Speaker 7: I was, I was out there. I'm not gonna lie,

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Speaker 7: you know, I was not like out there out there,

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Speaker 7: but I had options.

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Speaker 2: I was, you know, I was dating.

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Speaker 5: I was.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 7: That was really like my first experience of like you know, yeah,

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Speaker 7: just going out on dates and communicating with different dudes,

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Speaker 7: and it was pretty decent for the most part. I

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Speaker 7: had one serious boyfriend, I guess in high school, and

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Speaker 7: then I went to college. I went to university in

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Speaker 7: the United States, and that was a huge culture shock.

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Speaker 7: So now, all of a sudden, I'm sure people are

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Speaker 7: very familiar with Black Lives Matter and all that's going

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Speaker 7: on there, but I quickly learned that being a black

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Speaker 7: woman in America almost immediately just like downgrades your stock

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Speaker 7: as a romantic candidate. So dating for me in America

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Speaker 7: was quite difficult, particularly in college. But also college was

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Speaker 7: definitely a time when people were just like experimenting, you know,

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Speaker 7: testing their boundaries, So that was okay. I did end

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Speaker 7: up having one serious relationship during college, which was Yeah,

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Speaker 7: that was I think that was probably one of the

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Speaker 7: relationships that I grew the most and I started to

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Speaker 7: really understand what I wanted in a partner.

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Speaker 2: Now fast forward.

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Speaker 7: To my thirties. Thirties for me has been more like

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Speaker 7: not dating. And I think there are a couple of

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Speaker 7: reasons for that. Number one, geography and number two standards.

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Speaker 7: So I think geography. I live in Australia now, and yeah.

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Speaker 2: Australia is not where it's at for me personally. I

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Speaker 2: find that, Yeah, because.

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Speaker 7: I didn't grow up here, I didn't go to school here.

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Speaker 7: I find it quite difficult to connect with most Australians.

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Speaker 7: It definitely has to be an expat or Australians who

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Speaker 7: have lived abroad for a long time and have come back.

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Speaker 7: So already my dating pool is very small, and then

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Speaker 7: standards when you overlay that with standards. So I think

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Speaker 7: I have better standards now in my thirties. So in

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Speaker 7: my twenties I was quite superficial. I will yeah, I

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Speaker 7: will admit to that. But in my thirties I have

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Speaker 7: more like character driven standards like honesty, integrity, reliability, consistency,

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Speaker 7: good communication, you know, basic tenets of being a decent

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Speaker 7: human being.

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Speaker 2: You find that there's a maturity gap.

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Speaker 7: I feel like, as a woman who dates men, unfortunately,

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Speaker 7: I found that there is like a maturity gap with

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Speaker 7: where women are typically compared to the men in my

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Speaker 7: age group.

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Speaker 2: So that's been in a nutshell.

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Speaker 5: That's so interesting, dropped a lot there as a woman

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Speaker 5: who dates in my men Unfortunately, that finished, please, But

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Speaker 5: I can understand that being in a new space. You know,

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Speaker 5: I also moved to a new country. So it's like,

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Speaker 5: when you don't have some sort of history, starting afresh

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Speaker 5: can be quite quite a challenge. So thank you for

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Speaker 5: sharing that kicks with us, DEDI what has your experience

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Speaker 5: been from high school up till now? What would you

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Speaker 5: say in your experience?

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Speaker 6: So for me, in high school, I didn't date much.

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Speaker 6: I started seeing some I won't mention any names. And yeah,

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Speaker 6: we basically were together for most of well my high

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Speaker 6: school life. Very immature sort of relationship, nothing much.

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Speaker 3: You know, high school is supposed to be.

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Speaker 6: Yeah. Yeah, he was a little older. I went to

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Speaker 6: girls boarding school, so you can you can imagine what

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Speaker 6: kind of relationship it was. So and then I went

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Speaker 6: on to varsity and I dated one guy the whole time.

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Speaker 6: I was with one person during the years I should

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Speaker 6: have really been getting down. I dated one person the

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Speaker 6: whole time. He was a great person, so I think

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Speaker 6: that counts. And then in my twenties I dated. Hey,

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Speaker 6: especially my late twenties, I I just I just opened

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Speaker 6: myself up to see more people. I started exploring different

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Speaker 6: avenues to meet people. I started just being less introverted

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Speaker 6: about you know dating, and it was it was great

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Speaker 6: my thirties I date. If I date my thirties, I

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Speaker 6: think I've had very meaningful relationships. But also I have

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Speaker 6: the maturity to move on when something's not working. And

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Speaker 6: I think that's what I really like about my thirties.

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Speaker 6: I am able to to to move on quicker from things,

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Speaker 6: from relationships that are not quite at the standard that

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Speaker 6: they should be or that are not working out as

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Speaker 6: they should. Yeah.

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Speaker 5: Good is that? So I'm seeing a correlation with kicks

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Speaker 5: and d D. It's like in your thirties that you

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Speaker 5: start to awaken to the stand this thing and an elevation.

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Speaker 5: There's an elevation, there's like, this is my boundary. I

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Speaker 5: will not I won't settle. So cudus that and last

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Speaker 5: was definitely not least Patty. Could you share a bit

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Speaker 5: of your dating journey and how your experience has been.

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Speaker 3: Oh gosh, So, I feel like in high school I

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Speaker 3: had the most fun dating. I dated a few really

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Speaker 3: really nice boys because that's what they were in some

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Speaker 3: lovely individuals that I dated. And I feel like I

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Speaker 3: have more of a dating life than I do now, honestly,

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Speaker 3: because yeah, I have such great experience. It was fun,

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Speaker 3: it was young love, and I experienced my first love.

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Speaker 3: Then I truly believe that that's what it was. And

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Speaker 3: then I moved to Australia. Right after high school. I

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Speaker 3: met someone and we dated for the majority of my twenties,

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Speaker 3: so I did not live out the best time of

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Speaker 3: my life. I was in a relationship. It was good

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Speaker 3: for half of it and then it just yeah, it

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Speaker 3: did not end well and yeah, and I had to

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Speaker 3: take some time out after that to you know, heal

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Speaker 3: and all of that, because it was eight years of

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Speaker 3: my life that I'm dedicated to that relationship. And now

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Speaker 3: I'm in my thirties and I'm like, oh, what ch

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Speaker 3: late dating is the ghetto because it's just when you

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Speaker 3: find that you've you know, lifted just an as you've

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Speaker 3: elevated your standards, it's a lot harder to find someone

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Speaker 3: to match that because, yeah, we're not aligned the same

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Speaker 3: way with I'm finding the men that I have chosen

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Speaker 3: to talk to and date. We're just not aligned. We're

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Speaker 3: like light years apart. And yeah, that's where we're at

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Speaker 3: right now.

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Speaker 5: Okay, And that's something else that seems to be coming out.

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Speaker 5: It's like the level of maturity when you're in your thirties,

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Speaker 5: you know, with men, and trying to find that alignment

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Speaker 5: seems to be something that can be a bit difficult

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Speaker 5: to come by. I think too, there's a lot of

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Speaker 5: pressure on women always to just be mature, responsible d

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Speaker 5: you know, and then you kind of wake up to

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Speaker 5: being like, Okay, I need to also have like some enjoyment.

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Speaker 5: Can I have some enjoyment time, you know? And some

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Speaker 5: of us were able to do it younger, I know,

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Speaker 5: for me, it happened older at an older age. For me,

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Speaker 5: like when I moved here, I then got a bit free,

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Speaker 5: and I know d D. We spoke about me getting

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Speaker 5: into dating and like just just do it. And I

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Speaker 5: did have fun and I allowed myself to have fun

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Speaker 5: because there's so much pressure on the responsibility aspect I

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Speaker 5: feel for us. So thank you so much for sharing

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Speaker 5: a bit about your dating journeys. Ladies.

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Speaker 6: That's very insightful.

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Speaker 5: Thank you.

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Speaker 4: I definitely feel like older of you though it admitted

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Speaker 4: that in your twenties, am now your thirties. It's almost

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Speaker 4: like there's been a shift like in the dating game.

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Speaker 4: Do you think that's also tied to like social media

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Speaker 4: or the way you communicate as people Like I remember

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Speaker 4: when I was in my twenties, if you deleted a

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Speaker 4: guy's number, that was that you're like, say up, puce,

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Speaker 4: like I don't need to deal with you, I don't

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Speaker 4: have to see you. But now it's like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 4: do you move them off? All the social media's all

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Speaker 4: your friends and friends? And do you think that's played

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Speaker 4: a role in dating in your thirties?

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Speaker 3: Like did you what do you find with that.

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Speaker 6: It does play a role. So I don't know. I

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Speaker 6: don't know if it's just the type of guys that

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Speaker 6: I've that i've dated not big on social media. The

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Speaker 6: type of guys that i've dated before are not huge

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Speaker 6: social media people. So I can delete a number and

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Speaker 6: it'll be okay. You know, I don't need to see

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Speaker 6: them on Facebook or anything like that. I think I've

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Speaker 6: kept my social media accounts very separate. When I'm dating somebody,

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Speaker 6: I think it's just.

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Speaker 5: For me.

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Speaker 6: You know, if you're going to put it on social media,

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Speaker 6: then we must know where we're going. And I feel

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Speaker 6: like I haven't had relationships that I'm like, Okay, we're

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Speaker 6: going to be engaged, so we're going to post each

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Speaker 6: other and do we're going to attack each other or whatever.

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Speaker 6: I think, especially in my late twenties, I wasn't. I

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Speaker 6: went through a phase where I was I was dating

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Speaker 6: somebody who I was just not sure about for a

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Speaker 6: for a very long time in our relationship. So I

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Speaker 6: just started not committing to you know, going the extra

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Speaker 6: mile and so forth. And I think when we start

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Speaker 6: exploring those kind of issues that come up to relationships,

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Speaker 6: we can talk about it. But you know, the behaviors

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Speaker 6: that you display when you're not feeling okay and you

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Speaker 6: don't know how to communicate it. So yeah, for me,

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Speaker 6: social media it hasn't really been a big part of

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Speaker 6: my dating life.

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Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, and Patty, for you as well. You find

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Speaker 4: that it hasn't really had any effect.

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Speaker 3: For me, Uh it has. So I primarily use dating

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Speaker 3: apps to meet men, and I found that when I've

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Speaker 3: met someone and you go for a couple of dates

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Speaker 3: and then if fizzles out, you just kind of go, Okay,

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Speaker 3: that's sorry, and you know, I'll just tell them I'm

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Speaker 3: not feeling this situation. But in the past year, I

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Speaker 3: found ow if we've exchanged details or they'll know my name,

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Speaker 3: next thing they're looking me up. I'm finding on Instagram,

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Speaker 3: on Facebook, on Snapchat, They're heading me everywhere and I'm

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Speaker 3: just like, uh no, no. And the thing is I

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Speaker 3: clearly state that Okay, I'm not interested. It's just we're

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Speaker 3: not vibing, so let's move on. But yeah, the number

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Speaker 3: of times I've had to delete people it blocked them

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Speaker 3: because I'm just like, no, no, no, this is actually felty.

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Speaker 3: But I haven't had a situation where maybe one or

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Speaker 3: two guys that have added on social media, but more

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Speaker 3: because we like to share memes and videos and have

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Speaker 3: a laugh and stuff. But it's no one who would

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Speaker 3: be like of visual. I think even saying that, like

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Speaker 3: a man, you would know like who I've talked to

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Speaker 3: and stuff. But nothing's ever stuck. So yeah, there is

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Speaker 3: a bit of that. But the biggest thing is dating apps.

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Speaker 3: Dating apps, I just yeah, they just open up the

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Speaker 3: world a bit too much if you put too much

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Speaker 3: out there.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I can imagine that, because it'd be really

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Speaker 4: hard to then try and separated like your life and

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Speaker 4: then your dating life.

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Speaker 3: So kicks, have you found the same.

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Speaker 7: Well, I'm not a big social media user, so I'm

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Speaker 7: probably like, yeah, the person in that equation who's like

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Speaker 7: not staying and you know, doing all of that kind

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Speaker 7: of stuff. So for me, social media doesn't really factor

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Speaker 7: into it. But I will agree with Paida about the

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Speaker 7: perils of the dating apps because it's wild out here.

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Speaker 2: Like the characters you meet.

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Speaker 7: On those apps, it's just it's everyone and anyone, you

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Speaker 7: know what I mean. So you really, even if you

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Speaker 7: like try to apply some level of like due diligence

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Speaker 7: to the people you meet up with, they always like

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Speaker 7: these sneaky people who show a particular side to them.

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Speaker 7: And then you think, okay, yeah, maybe this is safe

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Speaker 7: enough for me to give you my phone number.

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Speaker 2: Then the next thing you know.

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Speaker 7: It's completely it completely flips on you. So it's a

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Speaker 7: tricky thing to navigate. You know. Kudos to people who

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Speaker 7: have found partners on dating apps, but for me, it

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Speaker 7: just hasn't worked out at all.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, you've literally taken the word out of my mouth

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Speaker 5: because I was going to ask about like online dating

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Speaker 5: yay or nay, Because you know, the world has changed,

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Speaker 5: and I think our generation has seen that evolution because

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Speaker 5: we managed to exist pre you know, online dating internet,

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Speaker 5: like before it was a thing, So meeting in person

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Speaker 5: was the thing, or being introduced was the thing? Or

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Speaker 5: waiting by the phone for Homie to call was it?

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Speaker 5: And then now it's completely evolved to this. So we've

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Speaker 5: seen that transition. And I'll be honest with me. Initially

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Speaker 5: I was like, I want to meet a person like

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Speaker 5: in person, right like do you know what I mean? Yeah?

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Speaker 5: Organically organically And I really wanted that, and you know,

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Speaker 5: I was. I've tried, got off dating apps, tried again,

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Speaker 5: got you know what I mean? So for you, Patty,

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Speaker 5: would you say dating because you've alluded to using dating apps?

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Speaker 5: Is it a yay or nay for you? Like do

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Speaker 5: you think it has value in this day and age

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Speaker 5: or people should just.

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Speaker 3: Stay away from it? Honestly, with my experiences, especially in

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Speaker 3: this current panoramic that we're in, I would say it's

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Speaker 3: a name for me. I mean, I still am on

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Speaker 3: it because in the industry I work in, it's very

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Speaker 3: difficult for me. I work away a lot. It's hard

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Speaker 3: for me to be out and about when the world

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Speaker 3: is open to actually get out to meet people, and

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Speaker 3: a time people don't exactly approach me first unless they're

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Speaker 3: really drunk or something like that, which I don't know

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Speaker 3: what that is about me, but it's a name right now.

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Speaker 3: My experience overall has been just collecting pen pals. That's

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Speaker 3: that's what it's been. And a lot of guys are

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Speaker 3: not serious. A lot of people are just looking for

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Speaker 3: a hook cup, just you know, like a one time

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Speaker 3: whm bam, thank you ma'am, and it's onto the next.

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Speaker 3: And that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for

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Speaker 3: a life partner, a husband, you know, And yeah, it's

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Speaker 3: it's I think I'm just not where. It's that I

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Speaker 3: know a few people who've met partners and that's amazing

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Speaker 3: and it gives me hope. But I experience that hope.

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Speaker 6: Hold on to hope, people hold on.

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Speaker 3: I'm holding on time.

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Speaker 5: No, But can I just yes kicks? Yeah, go ahead,

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Speaker 5: please do Yeah.

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Speaker 2: No, I was just going to add to that.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, I think Pila adds a very good point there

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Speaker 7: that dating apps. I think it depends on what you want,

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Speaker 7: because I think if you if you really just want

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Speaker 7: to smash, it's great, Like it's very it's like an

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Speaker 7: uber for smashing, you know what I mean. So like

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Speaker 7: I think it's it's it's purpose build for that, and

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Speaker 7: if that's your jam, then it's great.

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Speaker 2: And I think also if you know.

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Speaker 7: If that's not what you're looking for, but if you

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Speaker 7: have a lot of time and you're willing to meet

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Speaker 7: a lot of people and talk to them, it's a

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Speaker 7: numbers game. If you are committed to that, I think

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Speaker 7: it can be for you. And if you approach it

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Speaker 7: with very low expectations, I think it can work out

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Speaker 7: for you.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, okay, okay, numbers game. I will agree. It is

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Speaker 5: a numbers game. It's like, you know, you gotta you

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Speaker 5: gotta do the work. Unfortunately, and Diddy, have you had

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Speaker 5: experience in online dating and how do you feel about it?

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Speaker 6: I have, and it's a huge yay for me. It's

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Speaker 6: a huge yay for me and I And when I

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Speaker 6: first started using some of the dating apps, I was

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Speaker 6: a little skeptical. So you were at the same bride.

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Speaker 6: I was at Rumby and one of our friends actually

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Speaker 6: just downloaded an app for me and started swiping, and

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Speaker 6: so I got I got on on these apps. Not

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Speaker 6: really my choice. I've always been quite conservative. I've always

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Speaker 6: wanted to meet people organically, and by the way, like

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Speaker 6: my partner now is not somebody I've met on a

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Speaker 6: dating app. But I still endorse them completely. And what

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Speaker 6: changed my mind about it was actually the most random

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Speaker 6: person at work, this old lady I used to work

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Speaker 6: with back in the day. You know, we were just

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Speaker 6: having a conversation at work about dating, etc. And I,

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Speaker 6: I kind of said, a little embarrassed. I was like, well,

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Speaker 6: my friend's got me on the stating app and I

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Speaker 6: don't know, I'm scared. And she said to me, there's

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Speaker 6: always someone on the other end who's looking for something

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Speaker 6: similar to you approached it with that sort of openness,

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Speaker 6: that sort of vulnerability, that there's always somebody on the

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Speaker 6: other end who's also thinking, you know, this is the

355
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Speaker 6: kind of person I would like and you might just

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Speaker 6: meet them. So once I opened myself up, I had

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Speaker 6: a great time on the apps. I met some very

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Speaker 6: nice people and I met some very fraud people. So

359
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,360
Speaker 6: you know, I'm still friends with some people I met

360
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Speaker 6: on the apps, and I've had to block some people

361
00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:10,720
Speaker 6: up met on the apps. But I'm very positive about it. Yeah,

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Speaker 6: go online and date, and.

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Speaker 2: Yes, Betty, please come through.

364
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:19,440
Speaker 3: Come through. No one's going to say I am I'm

365
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:23,359
Speaker 3: happy that that was your experience. But I do think

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Speaker 3: from just a geographical standpoint, for then. I it's a

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Speaker 3: bit different.

368
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Speaker 8: For me.

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Speaker 3: I'm in Perth, Australia, and I've found that the guys

370
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:41,520
Speaker 3: aren't It's not something just doesn't click. I don't know

371
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Speaker 3: if it's because I'm so having dated like Mawian Man

372
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:49,879
Speaker 3: before is Mawemen before is just different. How they approach

373
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Speaker 3: dating is different. They're not aligned the same way I

374
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Speaker 3: find the guys in Australia. They're just not looking for

375
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Speaker 3: the same thing. It's yeah, I can't have met great guys.

376
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:06,399
Speaker 3: I've met some decent guys.

377
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I have to agree.

378
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:11,800
Speaker 5: I think it's also geographical too, because.

379
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Speaker 3: I have some.

380
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,000
Speaker 5: I was like, what is this? What kind of devil's

381
00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:21,280
Speaker 5: playing on this plague? Well, you know, depending on where

382
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:25,840
Speaker 5: you are. So Ded actually encouraged me to go online

383
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:30,960
Speaker 5: and with another friend and try dating again online, and

384
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Speaker 5: I was like, yeah, gone, I'll give it a go,

385
00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:36,520
Speaker 5: you know again, And now I am with someone who

386
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:39,480
Speaker 5: I met online. But I can totally attest to what

387
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,160
Speaker 5: Patty and Kicks are saying because it's a bit touch

388
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,840
Speaker 5: on going. You just want to like throw your hands

389
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,359
Speaker 5: in the air and just be like I don't care,

390
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,840
Speaker 5: you know, So, yeah, amna come through.

391
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Speaker 4: I think what Patty is saying is so right. Like

392
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,719
Speaker 4: geography and DJ Kicks touched on this as well, because

393
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Speaker 4: for us in Australia, we're the minority. It's like a

394
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:06,200
Speaker 4: fetish right, like chocolate skin Nubian princess guys. After it's

395
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:10,680
Speaker 4: just like I can't be every single time, Like it's

396
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:15,080
Speaker 4: just it gets exhausting. So I think obviously to give

397
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,240
Speaker 4: people context, there's four cities, have five cities that we

398
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:21,280
Speaker 4: have here, so like it's just all around the world

399
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,600
Speaker 4: obviously black African women, but we're not all living at home,

400
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:28,000
Speaker 4: so it's like it makes it really tough, yeah.

401
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,720
Speaker 7: Or they just don't know, Like I feel like in Australia,

402
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,640
Speaker 7: people are just kind of getting used to black people.

403
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,960
Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean, So they don't really

404
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:42,000
Speaker 2: know how to interact with you or approach you. I

405
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:43,360
Speaker 2: that's what.

406
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:48,120
Speaker 7: I assume is happening, because yeah, it's a very strange.

407
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 2: Space. It's a very strange experience.

408
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:54,480
Speaker 7: Even comparing it to dating in the US, which has,

409
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,760
Speaker 7: you know, all the racism that we know of, you know,

410
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,280
Speaker 7: in the news and stuff. I still felt like my

411
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:03,000
Speaker 7: dating life the States was better just because black people

412
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:06,320
Speaker 7: are more like you know, seeing compete t here.

413
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:07,280
Speaker 5: That makes sense.

414
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:08,440
Speaker 3: That makes sense, And I.

415
00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:11,720
Speaker 5: Can relate to fetish fetishype. I don't even know how

416
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,639
Speaker 5: to say that word, but you know, people making it

417
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:17,480
Speaker 5: a fetish like oh chocolate girl. I also relate to

418
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,160
Speaker 5: did you know the lady who told her? There's someone

419
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,760
Speaker 5: on the other side? And I think I was fortunate

420
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:26,280
Speaker 5: that the partner I met was looking for that on

421
00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:29,719
Speaker 5: the other side, and I know he too was giving up,

422
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,280
Speaker 5: you know what I mean. Also, so it goes both ways.

423
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:34,919
Speaker 5: It's not this guy girls, it's also on the guy's end.

424
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,480
Speaker 5: So there's also the beauty that comes into that. Diddy

425
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,480
Speaker 5: you wanted to say something.

426
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Speaker 6: So I live in South Africa, So my biggest advice

427
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:49,280
Speaker 6: in terms of when you go on the dating aps

428
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:54,040
Speaker 6: is safety. Safety. Safety. Safety. First, there's a huge gender

429
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:59,040
Speaker 6: based violence problem in our country. Make sure you know

430
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,440
Speaker 6: the places you can. When you're familiar with the places

431
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:06,439
Speaker 6: you're going, just always vict the people and be safe.

432
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:10,679
Speaker 6: You know, take yourself there, take yourself home until you

433
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:15,200
Speaker 6: get to know a person a little better. Besides that,

434
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:16,880
Speaker 6: I still endorse.

435
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,920
Speaker 5: Yes, and let someone know where you are, let someone

436
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:30,199
Speaker 5: know share station. Yes, for sure, Pattie.

437
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,480
Speaker 3: Yes, that's actually the point I was about to make,

438
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,359
Speaker 3: just to say, make sure you have someone you always

439
00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:39,760
Speaker 3: send them your details, your location. I have a friend

440
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:43,359
Speaker 3: who's like my go to. She knows everyone I'm seeing.

441
00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:45,439
Speaker 3: I'm like, here's a screenshot, this is what it looks like.

442
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,320
Speaker 3: This is where I'm meeting him, what time and what

443
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:51,520
Speaker 3: time I expect to be home. So I always have

444
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 3: someone who knows where I'm at. So I'm like, if

445
00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:58,040
Speaker 3: I go missing, I love that you know this is

446
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:04,600
Speaker 3: what happened. I'm sorry. Just because we don't have in

447
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:06,679
Speaker 3: that respect, I don't know. I guess we do have

448
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:09,879
Speaker 3: it in Australia, but just not at that scale or

449
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:14,840
Speaker 3: that magnitude. But there have been instances where there was

450
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:17,680
Speaker 3: an autocouse reading about how many women were just being

451
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:22,679
Speaker 3: in very unsafe situations and guys assaulting them and stuff

452
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,919
Speaker 3: like that. People they've met on dating apps and the

453
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:29,280
Speaker 3: guys just literally disappearing off the app. So I think

454
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:31,919
Speaker 3: another thing is actually making sure you know the person,

455
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,920
Speaker 3: get their first name, last name, try and verify who

456
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:38,040
Speaker 3: they are. I go on social media, I look for them,

457
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,160
Speaker 3: I go, I will look up if I have their

458
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,720
Speaker 3: details I'm like, okay, can I look up their personal

459
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:46,919
Speaker 3: details online? Can I google them? Just because it's so

460
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,159
Speaker 3: scary out there, Like I know, people like put yourself

461
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,200
Speaker 3: out there, get to know people. But as a woman,

462
00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:58,040
Speaker 3: I'm always always just thinking safety, safety, safety, That's important

463
00:26:58,040 --> 00:26:58,479
Speaker 3: thing for me.

464
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,119
Speaker 4: And I think that's changed a lot, Like in our twenties.

465
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,520
Speaker 4: Perhaps we're a bit more casual about it and people

466
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:09,040
Speaker 4: were meeting more organically then, but now if it's all online,

467
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:13,760
Speaker 4: you have to be certain, you have to be certain. Okay.

468
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:18,119
Speaker 4: So we just spoke about how we all obviously African women,

469
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:22,600
Speaker 4: and we all know the cultural and societal expectations of

470
00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,159
Speaker 4: being a woman in Africa or you know, coming from

471
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:28,560
Speaker 4: the backgrounds we come from. In our thirties, our parents

472
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,280
Speaker 4: are all picturing that we should have five kids and

473
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:35,280
Speaker 4: be married and have a house and everything sorted. How

474
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:38,160
Speaker 4: do you guys manage that in your thirties, like all

475
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:42,480
Speaker 4: the cultural societal expectations put on us, I will start

476
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:43,159
Speaker 4: with kids.

477
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, so yeah, I definitely get that pressure.

478
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 7: Well, people try to impose their pressure on me, but

479
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,280
Speaker 7: I don't really respond to it. So especially with the

480
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:58,439
Speaker 7: whole like having babies thing, even without a partner, Like

481
00:27:58,680 --> 00:27:59,320
Speaker 7: I find that my.

482
00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:02,199
Speaker 2: Mom is to like just try just I'm like, just

483
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:02,680
Speaker 2: try what.

484
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,680
Speaker 7: It's okay, it's okay, And I'm just like, no, it's

485
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:12,000
Speaker 7: it's actually not okay. So yeah, I'm not really affected

486
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:13,600
Speaker 7: by the pressure. And I think it's also because I

487
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:16,080
Speaker 7: don't live in Zimbabwe. I think it'll be a different

488
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,600
Speaker 7: situation if I was there and seeing all the aunties

489
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:22,800
Speaker 7: going to church and you know, all the church women being.

490
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,120
Speaker 2: Like, oh, Kwasha, you know what about our son in law?

491
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,359
Speaker 7: So yeah, so I don't really feel it, but I

492
00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:33,080
Speaker 7: do empathize with women who do get that pressure and

493
00:28:33,119 --> 00:28:36,680
Speaker 7: really feel it, or women who maybe just want to have,

494
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:39,360
Speaker 7: you know, kids, but they haven't found that person and

495
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:41,600
Speaker 7: it's like the clock is ticking as well.

496
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:46,720
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, definitely, it's it's sometimes it's like, just take

497
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:48,400
Speaker 4: care of your own life. Why are you looking at me?

498
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 4: But you know, you just have to put up. And

499
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,440
Speaker 4: when you're in Zoom especially and I'm imagining South Africa

500
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:56,240
Speaker 4: will be the same, it's like everyone wants to comment

501
00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:59,720
Speaker 4: and you're like, guys like, can I breathe? But then yes,

502
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:02,720
Speaker 4: tough when you're when you're back home, petty of this

503
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:07,000
Speaker 4: sounds the same. I've been very fortunate so when we

504
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,720
Speaker 4: moved to Australia as a family, like my parents were

505
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:11,760
Speaker 4: just like, you know what, focus on school and then

506
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,200
Speaker 4: the rest is on you. So they've pretty much left

507
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:15,920
Speaker 4: me alone for the most part.

508
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:20,120
Speaker 3: Occasionally I do feel a bit of pressure because I

509
00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:23,400
Speaker 3: have a younger sibling, My brother has two kids now,

510
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:28,760
Speaker 3: and they're looking at me like, have you considered you know,

511
00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:30,960
Speaker 3: you know, you know when your parents start doing that,

512
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:34,400
Speaker 3: that comes like a you know this this thing IV

513
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 3: if you know, like, wow, we dare? Is that where

514
00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:44,680
Speaker 3: we're at? But yeah, but those are the conversations that

515
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,200
Speaker 3: I had once in a while, but they just go, no,

516
00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:51,320
Speaker 3: no pressure. I think for my parents, the most important

517
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 3: thing is that I find a good person to be with,

518
00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:57,840
Speaker 3: a life partner, someone who just messes well with me

519
00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:00,800
Speaker 3: and the things that I want in a part and

520
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,960
Speaker 3: also hopefully I do the same for them. But they've

521
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:06,880
Speaker 3: just gone it's okay, take your time, you know, you

522
00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:09,720
Speaker 3: don't want to rush it and be unhappy. We'd rather

523
00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:12,360
Speaker 3: you achieve everything you want to achieve in life. And

524
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,560
Speaker 3: if a partner comes, they come. If not, there's IBF.

525
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:19,479
Speaker 3: So yeah, I've been very fortunate that my parents are

526
00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:22,880
Speaker 3: just so chill and even with like because we have

527
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:26,680
Speaker 3: a same community in Perth, and even with that, when

528
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:29,200
Speaker 3: there's been someone who chimes in and they're like, oh,

529
00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 3: you know, she's done all this stuff in her life,

530
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:33,320
Speaker 3: like she should, you know, look for a husband, just

531
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:37,040
Speaker 3: you know, pick someone. There's someone there, and you're like anyone,

532
00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:40,600
Speaker 3: any old person. My parents have just been like, no,

533
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:43,040
Speaker 3: she's fine, she's doing what she needs to do in

534
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:45,520
Speaker 3: her life and the right person will come along. So

535
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 3: it's nice when your parents have your back and shield

536
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:51,560
Speaker 3: you in that way as well. So yeah, I mean good,

537
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:52,280
Speaker 3: that's so good.

538
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:57,080
Speaker 4: That's supportive, Yes, supportive and not putting extra pressure because

539
00:30:57,240 --> 00:30:59,560
Speaker 4: you shouldn't be able to handle that. DDS. This has

540
00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:00,600
Speaker 4: been the same for you.

541
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:05,120
Speaker 6: So I think my family now knows that I don't

542
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:12,200
Speaker 6: care about it. I really don't care, but but there

543
00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:17,880
Speaker 6: is there is. So I come from a family that

544
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:26,560
Speaker 6: really worships marriage, that really believes that there is a

545
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:34,640
Speaker 6: hierarchy in the family and married people deserve more dignity

546
00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:40,040
Speaker 6: than others. Yeah, so I for me, it's just been

547
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:41,120
Speaker 6: asserting myself.

548
00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:42,320
Speaker 3: You know, my.

549
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:48,520
Speaker 6: Family will will, they'll pray and ask for me to

550
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:51,400
Speaker 6: be married in their prayers, and I'm like, guys, don't

551
00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:55,680
Speaker 6: prioritize that for me? Can you prioritize other things? There

552
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 6: are other things that I want, okay, But it's just

553
00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:02,760
Speaker 6: me having to be assertive to say, guys, I live

554
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:07,080
Speaker 6: a very fulfilled life. I you know, I haven't been

555
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:12,040
Speaker 6: married before, so my life is okay as it is.

556
00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:16,040
Speaker 6: I'm happy as as I am. I always have to

557
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:20,080
Speaker 6: kind of push back, you know, when those kind of

558
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:25,800
Speaker 6: conversations come up about marriage, about the something missing from

559
00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:29,320
Speaker 6: my life. I always have to explain that I literally

560
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:35,520
Speaker 6: have nothing missing. I am whole and happy. But besides that,

561
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:39,080
Speaker 6: I think if if I cared a lot what they

562
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,800
Speaker 6: what they thought, I'd be a little sad.

563
00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:42,560
Speaker 3: But I don't.

564
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:46,240
Speaker 6: As I say, in my life feels full, feels great.

565
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:50,120
Speaker 4: That's you know what I can relate to you so well,

566
00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:55,600
Speaker 4: Like having your family pray on your name is yeah.

567
00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:59,560
Speaker 4: And also this hierarchy thing because I do have cousins.

568
00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:01,200
Speaker 3: When I read with kids younger.

569
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:04,640
Speaker 4: Than me, and I'm married now, but before I was married,

570
00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:07,120
Speaker 4: it was like if you're having a family meeting, they

571
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:09,480
Speaker 4: could speak and they could have their opinions, and I

572
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:11,880
Speaker 4: just was like, oh, yeah, Amanda, You're like it's like uh.

573
00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:14,000
Speaker 4: But at the same time, it's kind of like a

574
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:18,480
Speaker 4: weird space because being home, like you're also financially supporting

575
00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:21,160
Speaker 4: in some ways. Obviously everyone knows how zim is economically.

576
00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:23,120
Speaker 4: So I'm like, Okay, you want my money, but you

577
00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 4: don't want.

578
00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:27,120
Speaker 3: My opinion, Like, how does this work? Because it's it's

579
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:29,240
Speaker 3: it's not adding up like you know.

580
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:33,960
Speaker 4: So it's quite funny how our culture is so tired

581
00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:37,880
Speaker 4: to marriage and respect and and yeah, of course you

582
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:40,280
Speaker 4: know your wife, but doesn't mean that people were.

583
00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:42,600
Speaker 3: Not wives, don't think so it's so crazy.

584
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:44,280
Speaker 5: Yeah, that's so crazy.

585
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:50,720
Speaker 6: Yes, And and I feel like there's just this there's

586
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:54,680
Speaker 6: this element of being treated like a child until you

587
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:59,720
Speaker 6: leave your father's house. And I'm thirty three. I know

588
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:03,040
Speaker 6: how to do my own laundry. If that's you know,

589
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:08,239
Speaker 6: if that's a standard of adulthood, I feel like, you

590
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:12,759
Speaker 6: know that being treated like a child until a man

591
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:18,719
Speaker 6: takes you under their wing is just really uh, it

592
00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:24,719
Speaker 6: doesn't work for for us and our generation. And unfortunately

593
00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:28,319
Speaker 6: a lot of black women have to have to fight

594
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,960
Speaker 6: their families about it. They have to like raise their

595
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:35,759
Speaker 6: voices a little higher and we end up looking a

596
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 6: little aggressive. But you do have to fight for your

597
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:43,719
Speaker 6: place to just be treated like a dignified human being.

598
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,400
Speaker 6: And because you're not married, it doesn't mean that you

599
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:50,960
Speaker 6: can't make decisions for yourself. You are your own family.

600
00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:52,720
Speaker 6: You run your own life.

601
00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:58,840
Speaker 5: That's true, You are your own family. I wanted to

602
00:34:59,239 --> 00:35:03,520
Speaker 5: you know, about the pressure culturally and society. What about

603
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:07,880
Speaker 5: the stigma you know, associated with being in your thirties

604
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:08,400
Speaker 5: and dating?

605
00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:09,360
Speaker 3: And I think if we.

606
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:13,680
Speaker 5: Look at when you actually are engaging someone a guy,

607
00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:17,600
Speaker 5: a partner, or online dating or chatting to someone or

608
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,400
Speaker 5: getting to know someone, do you feel that there's a

609
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:24,480
Speaker 5: stigma attached when they know you're in your thirties?

610
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:25,320
Speaker 6: You know?

611
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:27,520
Speaker 3: Is the respect the same?

612
00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:32,720
Speaker 5: Do you feel like, you know, you're supposed to settle

613
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:35,520
Speaker 5: for anyone who looks at you because now you're in

614
00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:41,080
Speaker 5: your thirties, like you do you know what I mean? Like, yeah,

615
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:46,320
Speaker 5: kicks and let us know a little bit about your experiences.

616
00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:50,840
Speaker 7: Yes, it's almost like this assumption that you're now past

617
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:54,640
Speaker 7: your prime, you know. And the question that I get

618
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:58,400
Speaker 7: on dates is why are you still single? That's still

619
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:02,280
Speaker 7: still it kills me and like why.

620
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:03,200
Speaker 2: Are you still single?

621
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:05,839
Speaker 7: Like, let's let's talk about that. But it's never really

622
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:08,719
Speaker 7: a question that the guys have to ask. It's always like,

623
00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:12,120
Speaker 7: what's wrong with you that you're a woman and you'll

624
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:16,239
Speaker 7: pass your prime and you're still out here. So there

625
00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:19,359
Speaker 7: definitely is a stigma, I think, particularly when you put

626
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,319
Speaker 7: in the babies equation, because they're also doing their mental

627
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:24,759
Speaker 7: meths like Okay, how many years does she have to

628
00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:26,000
Speaker 7: actually pop up a baby?

629
00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:28,240
Speaker 2: So yeah, it's.

630
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:31,520
Speaker 5: Crazy, reeled it did he We'll go to your show.

631
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:34,719
Speaker 5: Your hand was raised, But also.

632
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:38,799
Speaker 6: Being accused of being a difficult woman, that's why you're

633
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:42,000
Speaker 6: not single. I get that a lot. I get that

634
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:45,000
Speaker 6: a lot of you know, what do you do to

635
00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:45,760
Speaker 6: these guys?

636
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:51,920
Speaker 2: Yeah you know that handed exactly, or.

637
00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:55,960
Speaker 6: Or lower your standards a bit, you know, you know

638
00:36:56,120 --> 00:37:00,200
Speaker 6: those those kind of conversations where it's kind kind of

639
00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:05,520
Speaker 6: like everybody wants a solution for you. Everybody just feels like, no,

640
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:09,320
Speaker 6: we have to do something for you because you in

641
00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:13,480
Speaker 6: your thirties, time is ticking, nobody's gonna want you.

642
00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:18,520
Speaker 5: And I think for me it's that problem solving. There's

643
00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:21,360
Speaker 5: also the guys asking, but also the aunties. You know,

644
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:23,440
Speaker 5: I've had lower standards.

645
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:25,080
Speaker 3: Go find someone.

646
00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:29,560
Speaker 5: Location, like someone from the high density area, like it's okay,

647
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:34,239
Speaker 5: and I like, I just was confused, like I don't know,

648
00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:36,759
Speaker 5: you know what I mean. They're like your standards are

649
00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:39,720
Speaker 5: too unique, and it's like, how do you even respond

650
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:43,040
Speaker 5: to that? And these are conversations ants are having with

651
00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:46,680
Speaker 5: your mother at weddings and you're just like, I don't

652
00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:49,359
Speaker 5: know what to say to this, right, Patty, please come through.

653
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:54,840
Speaker 3: Oh yes, I have heard that so so much, especially

654
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:58,480
Speaker 3: since I've hit my thirties. It's like, okay, but please

655
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:00,440
Speaker 3: just you know, I've had an aunt he's like my

656
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:04,360
Speaker 3: mom's friends sit me down and go but just please

657
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:08,440
Speaker 3: explain why why if say something, Maybe your standards are

658
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:11,160
Speaker 3: too high, like tell me, and I do have a list.

659
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:14,920
Speaker 3: I do have standards. I have things that you know,

660
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,920
Speaker 3: I have my lists where I'm like, okay, I'll compromise

661
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:19,279
Speaker 3: on certain things certain things I won't. And I'm like,

662
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:22,359
Speaker 3: if I compromise and just go, ah, you know I'll

663
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:25,880
Speaker 3: take someone from the location, I'm going to be unhappy

664
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:29,680
Speaker 3: and he's going to know that I'm unhappy. So that's

665
00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:31,520
Speaker 3: not going to work out, and I would never want

666
00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:33,880
Speaker 3: to bring children into that equation. So it's like, you

667
00:38:33,960 --> 00:38:36,320
Speaker 3: want me to settle just so you'll be happy, so

668
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:38,480
Speaker 3: you'll be satisfied to see me with someone. As long

669
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:41,880
Speaker 3: as I'm with someone anyone and have children, are you

670
00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:43,960
Speaker 3: going to help me with those children? Are you going

671
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:47,600
Speaker 3: to contribute towards that? If my marriage? Are you going

672
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:49,480
Speaker 3: to be there for me? Are you going to support me?

673
00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:52,160
Speaker 3: Or are you going to go No, that's what marriages

674
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:54,200
Speaker 3: are like. You don't work through it.

675
00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:56,480
Speaker 8: No, for sure?

676
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:58,200
Speaker 3: For sure? Did he?

677
00:38:58,440 --> 00:38:58,759
Speaker 5: And then?

678
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:05,920
Speaker 6: But also coming from from I think in in you know,

679
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:11,400
Speaker 6: my my more recent dating experience, the men who approach

680
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:18,000
Speaker 6: me are kind of like, why are you unreasonable when

681
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:21,320
Speaker 6: I when I speak out about things that I don't like,

682
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:25,160
Speaker 6: It's kind of like, you're thirty three, You've got to

683
00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:28,880
Speaker 6: take my behavior, You've got to take me as I am. Really,

684
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:32,120
Speaker 6: it's you know, you get it from all angles. The

685
00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:37,280
Speaker 6: people you're trying to date, your family, your friends. Everyone

686
00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:41,240
Speaker 6: just kind of approaches you in a way that they

687
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:46,320
Speaker 6: basically gaslight you. They basically try and make you feel

688
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:50,480
Speaker 6: like you are crazy for knowing what you want.

689
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:55,239
Speaker 5: Yes, thousand percent kicks, these come through, come through this.

690
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:56,360
Speaker 5: I'm loving it.

691
00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:57,480
Speaker 6: Yeah, I know.

692
00:39:57,800 --> 00:39:58,880
Speaker 2: I was just going to add that.

693
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,720
Speaker 7: With the aunties and you know, the mothers and stuff,

694
00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:05,200
Speaker 7: I can sort of understand where they're coming from because

695
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:08,880
Speaker 7: they're from a different generation and their whole school of

696
00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:12,759
Speaker 7: thought was, you know, anything for the marriage, anything to

697
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:16,359
Speaker 7: save the household, you know, so I can understand why,

698
00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:19,400
Speaker 7: like I don't feel any type of like resentment or

699
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:22,200
Speaker 7: contempt towards them when they try to give me this

700
00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:25,879
Speaker 7: advice about lowering my standards. I think my mother actually said,

701
00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:29,000
Speaker 7: has anyone ever told you they loved you? I was like, shah, like,

702
00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:31,759
Speaker 7: it's not it's not that bad.

703
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:35,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, your standards are too high. Yeah I know,

704
00:40:35,719 --> 00:40:37,120
Speaker 2: but it's for me.

705
00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:39,600
Speaker 7: It's really the guys that I have an issue with.

706
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:44,520
Speaker 7: Who yeah, who just think that, Yeah, there must be something.

707
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:44,759
Speaker 3: Wrong with you.

708
00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:48,400
Speaker 2: You're too independent, you don't want to bend easily. I

709
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:50,600
Speaker 2: can't mold you, which is that.

710
00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:52,480
Speaker 5: Mold?

711
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:54,600
Speaker 3: It should be great?

712
00:40:56,040 --> 00:40:58,960
Speaker 4: Sorry, Amanda, exactly, you should be grateful, that's what did

713
00:40:59,000 --> 00:40:59,520
Speaker 4: you mention it?

714
00:40:59,600 --> 00:40:59,920
Speaker 3: As well?

715
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:02,080
Speaker 4: Like why should I be grateful that you take you

716
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:04,280
Speaker 4: on a date, Like just because I'm my thirties doesn't

717
00:41:04,360 --> 00:41:08,160
Speaker 4: mean like if there's always that tone like if you

718
00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:09,239
Speaker 4: can put up with anything, you.

719
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:11,880
Speaker 3: Know how it is, and it's like no, like I

720
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:15,760
Speaker 3: shouldn't have to for sure, it's wild wild.

721
00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:21,160
Speaker 4: Any advice that you ladies would have about like dating

722
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:23,439
Speaker 4: when you were younger, like do you wish you knew

723
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:27,600
Speaker 4: then that you know now? Like Patty anything can think ooh,

724
00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:29,279
Speaker 4: when I was younger, I wish I knew this that

725
00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:31,600
Speaker 4: I completely understand now yet now.

726
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:37,279
Speaker 3: I would say to have fun date different people in

727
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:40,040
Speaker 3: your twenties, like don't just go don't do what I

728
00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:42,160
Speaker 3: did and go for the one person and be like

729
00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:45,880
Speaker 3: this did I'm done? I'm lock down for life. That

730
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:49,799
Speaker 3: is a good thing. Have fun, travel if you can,

731
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:53,280
Speaker 3: even if it's just local. You know, get to know people,

732
00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:58,160
Speaker 3: make friends, make mistakes, learn from those mistakes, and just grow.

733
00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:01,120
Speaker 3: And then when the I is right, if you feel

734
00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:03,560
Speaker 3: like it, then settle on that one person. But the

735
00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:07,239
Speaker 3: biggest thing, my biggest regret is not dating more and

736
00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:11,440
Speaker 3: just knowing myself more. I was like locked into a situation.

737
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:14,960
Speaker 3: That's the biggest thing for me. Date date people. I'm

738
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:21,400
Speaker 3: not saying fleet with everybody, but get to know, because

739
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:24,080
Speaker 3: we know that's a thing, especially for women. It's like no, no, no,

740
00:42:24,719 --> 00:42:27,560
Speaker 3: a woman, you must be haste. You must just keep yourself,

741
00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:29,359
Speaker 3: you know. And the man.

742
00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:29,840
Speaker 6: You know.

743
00:42:29,920 --> 00:42:31,640
Speaker 3: The men can go around, they can do whatever they

744
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:34,320
Speaker 3: want to do, but I'm out for it. I'm like,

745
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:37,320
Speaker 3: live your best life. As long as you don't hurt anyone.

746
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:42,080
Speaker 3: Then you know, you do your boot liberate yourself. Sorry, yeah,

747
00:42:42,120 --> 00:42:43,120
Speaker 3: it kicks. Do you agree?

748
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:46,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm getting.

749
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:48,200
Speaker 5: I think.

750
00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:48,600
Speaker 3: Yeah.

751
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:51,480
Speaker 7: Advice to my youngest self, I think I would tell

752
00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:54,239
Speaker 7: myself that six can just be six. It doesn't have

753
00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:57,600
Speaker 7: to mean more than that. I think when I was younger,

754
00:42:57,680 --> 00:43:00,359
Speaker 7: I attached too much meaning to sex, and I thought

755
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:03,839
Speaker 7: that just because a guy slept with me, it meant

756
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:08,799
Speaker 7: that he really liked me. That's that's not necessarily the truth.

757
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:12,719
Speaker 7: They might like the body, but it might not mean yeah,

758
00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:15,279
Speaker 7: they like you for you. So I think I would

759
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:17,719
Speaker 7: have saved myself a lot of like heartbreak in my

760
00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:19,840
Speaker 7: twenties had I understood that.

761
00:43:22,200 --> 00:43:24,759
Speaker 4: It's not really an open conversation sex. I think I

762
00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:27,800
Speaker 4: feel like we also enter it unamed, like we're just

763
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:31,400
Speaker 4: like ah sex, and then like you find out all

764
00:43:31,440 --> 00:43:34,120
Speaker 4: these things with no one tally. If those aunties were

765
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,960
Speaker 4: talking about marriage led us a bit, you know better,

766
00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:39,279
Speaker 4: I would sex and we were honest, because that's the

767
00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:42,120
Speaker 4: thing I feel like, well, especially in the Zimbabwean backdrop,

768
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:44,480
Speaker 4: we're not honest with how much sex we have or

769
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,520
Speaker 4: all those things. So when the time comes, we're so

770
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:50,560
Speaker 4: unprepared and then we tie all these emotions to it.

771
00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:53,600
Speaker 4: As you said, sometimes it's not warranted. Did you have

772
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:55,400
Speaker 4: you found this to be the same or do you

773
00:43:55,440 --> 00:43:57,160
Speaker 4: have any advice for your younger self?

774
00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:01,520
Speaker 6: I think that passed for my younger self. Move on,

775
00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:04,640
Speaker 6: You'll be okay. I spent so much time, I spent

776
00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:13,560
Speaker 6: so much time sad about breakups, said about relationships. Move on,

777
00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:16,880
Speaker 6: you'll be fine. There is someone there, are you know,

778
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:21,839
Speaker 6: someone out there who who understands your vibe you can

779
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:30,200
Speaker 6: actually vibe with. And also I think self awareness. Try

780
00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:34,839
Speaker 6: try and understand yourself more than anyone. And and that's

781
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:38,239
Speaker 6: how you understand when you meet other when you meet

782
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:42,200
Speaker 6: other people, how they are in relation to your life,

783
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:46,320
Speaker 6: because you understand yourself more. I think in my twenties

784
00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:52,160
Speaker 6: I spent too much time getting gas lit by men

785
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:59,880
Speaker 6: waiting gas let's bye bye, you know by society, society

786
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:04,640
Speaker 6: telling me that time was almost up. You know, men

787
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:08,200
Speaker 6: also acting that way. We must also remember, as black

788
00:45:08,280 --> 00:45:14,560
Speaker 6: women that there's just that specific I don't know how

789
00:45:14,640 --> 00:45:19,560
Speaker 6: to describe it. Black women are expected to endure way

790
00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:25,439
Speaker 6: more than anybody else in the world. Men who date

791
00:45:25,680 --> 00:45:29,320
Speaker 6: black women go in go into relationships with that idea

792
00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:34,400
Speaker 6: that you should be able to endure a lot of things,

793
00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:36,120
Speaker 6: relationship up and downs.

794
00:45:37,600 --> 00:45:39,680
Speaker 3: You know, you don't have to.

795
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:43,080
Speaker 6: You don't have to endure that. You're also human being

796
00:45:43,239 --> 00:45:47,239
Speaker 6: who deserves retreated with dignity. Move on to somebody who's

797
00:45:47,239 --> 00:45:47,960
Speaker 6: going to treat you right.

798
00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:52,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, Oh my gosh, so eloquent, so true, Paddy. Do

799
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:54,480
Speaker 3: you agree? Yes?

800
00:45:54,680 --> 00:45:54,920
Speaker 6: I do.

801
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:58,520
Speaker 3: And it's something that I was reading about it. We're

802
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:02,840
Speaker 3: expected black women to go through. It's called the struggle

803
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:06,000
Speaker 3: love as in, we're supposed to be okay with that.

804
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:08,840
Speaker 3: You know, love is you know, meant to be like that.

805
00:46:09,080 --> 00:46:12,200
Speaker 3: You'll struggle, You'll get he'll go and have children, He'll

806
00:46:12,239 --> 00:46:14,359
Speaker 3: do this, it's quiet, you'll work it out. You need

807
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:17,000
Speaker 3: to hold it together for you and for him and

808
00:46:17,120 --> 00:46:21,200
Speaker 3: if you have kids, for the family. And yeah, I'm

809
00:46:21,280 --> 00:46:26,839
Speaker 3: not with that. We deserve just unconditional love, uncomplicated love,

810
00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:31,560
Speaker 3: and yeah that's how it should be. But yeah, you're

811
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:33,960
Speaker 3: right about that. As Black women were expected to be

812
00:46:34,040 --> 00:46:36,879
Speaker 3: the strong ones, the ones to carry everyone, take care

813
00:46:36,920 --> 00:46:41,759
Speaker 3: of everyone, pour everything we have into every situation, every

814
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:43,960
Speaker 3: facet of our lives, but no one was into us.

815
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:47,759
Speaker 4: Yes, so true, and put yourself last, like it's like

816
00:46:47,920 --> 00:46:49,959
Speaker 4: sacrificial everything, sacrifice.

817
00:46:50,480 --> 00:46:52,960
Speaker 5: Yes, I want to live. I don't know if anyone

818
00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:57,960
Speaker 5: wants too hot to handle Season one and two spoiler

819
00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:02,680
Speaker 5: alert here. I had a problem with both black women

820
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:06,560
Speaker 5: in both seasons being interested in the black men and

821
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:09,839
Speaker 5: the black men. They always had to endure the black

822
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:13,600
Speaker 5: men's problem, like they had to like fight for these

823
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:17,399
Speaker 5: black men, and spoiler alert, none of them are still

824
00:47:17,480 --> 00:47:21,040
Speaker 5: with these black men, so it you know, I was

825
00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:24,160
Speaker 5: just like, why is it always a struggle instead of

826
00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:27,360
Speaker 5: just like the ease of being loved or being adored

827
00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:29,080
Speaker 5: or being you know, a type of thing.

828
00:47:31,239 --> 00:47:34,239
Speaker 7: Yes, let's talk about that, because to be honest, I

829
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:36,600
Speaker 7: feel like black men and black women we are missing

830
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:40,080
Speaker 7: each other somehow, some way, like the levels of disrespect

831
00:47:40,120 --> 00:47:41,239
Speaker 7: that I see black men.

832
00:47:41,920 --> 00:47:44,480
Speaker 2: You know, not all black men, but a very big

833
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:48,000
Speaker 2: proportion of black men here.

834
00:47:50,520 --> 00:47:55,239
Speaker 7: Dishing out to disrespect or having unrealistic expectations, and then

835
00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:58,560
Speaker 7: the moment they date someone who is not black, they're like,

836
00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:00,920
Speaker 7: now they're chipping in with household jewels.

837
00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:04,600
Speaker 2: Now they're like the complete opposite. And you're like, but why.

838
00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:08,440
Speaker 7: And I have asked black men specifically about this phenomena,

839
00:48:08,520 --> 00:48:11,000
Speaker 7: and they say, well, because we saw our mothers do it,

840
00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:13,400
Speaker 7: so that's what we expect.

841
00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:14,920
Speaker 2: And it's like, that's rude.

842
00:48:15,680 --> 00:48:20,279
Speaker 6: Yeah, you know what I mean, being a ride or

843
00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:22,759
Speaker 6: die We don't have to maybe a ride or die

844
00:48:23,160 --> 00:48:29,400
Speaker 6: wire like that. Don't do it. Don't do it.

845
00:48:29,920 --> 00:48:33,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, Patty, we're not writing anywhere. No, we're not writing.

846
00:48:34,280 --> 00:48:36,040
Speaker 3: I'm not on it. I'm not getting in the car.

847
00:48:36,239 --> 00:48:40,000
Speaker 3: I'm staying right where I am. And it's it's sad

848
00:48:40,040 --> 00:48:42,920
Speaker 3: when you hear that. And it's a constant thing that

849
00:48:43,080 --> 00:48:47,440
Speaker 3: I keep seeing and experiencing where black women wear the

850
00:48:47,440 --> 00:48:51,480
Speaker 3: bottom of the totem pole. You know, other races are

851
00:48:52,719 --> 00:48:54,800
Speaker 3: they're at the top, you know, or in the middle,

852
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:58,480
Speaker 3: but we're always put at the bottom. So even with

853
00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:02,160
Speaker 3: how men approach us and talk to us and the expectations,

854
00:49:02,239 --> 00:49:04,200
Speaker 3: it's like, I want you to be this this this

855
00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:06,920
Speaker 3: be put together. I want you even in terms of

856
00:49:07,120 --> 00:49:09,960
Speaker 3: just how you present yourself. You need to be quieter,

857
00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:13,640
Speaker 3: you need to be you know, more fitting of the

858
00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:18,680
Speaker 3: within stands of beauty and but but also keep your africanness,

859
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:21,600
Speaker 3: you know, have the big boobs, you know, the big

860
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:25,320
Speaker 3: any ways, but also dress certain way it behave a

861
00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:28,160
Speaker 3: certain way. And it's like, Okay, what are you doing?

862
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:29,920
Speaker 3: What are you doing with yourself? What are you bringing

863
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:31,960
Speaker 3: to the bling? Because I feel like I'm doing so

864
00:49:32,120 --> 00:49:37,240
Speaker 3: much and you and I feel like we're just expected

865
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:39,200
Speaker 3: to just roll with it, be okay with it. And

866
00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:41,600
Speaker 3: it's like, and the moment that we step out and

867
00:49:41,719 --> 00:49:43,880
Speaker 3: date outside of our race, because we've gone, you know what,

868
00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:46,320
Speaker 3: you're not loving us the way we need to be loved.

869
00:49:46,560 --> 00:49:49,640
Speaker 3: It's a problem. It's a problem. And I'm sure you

870
00:49:49,760 --> 00:49:52,239
Speaker 3: will have the experience and you've seen it. You've heard

871
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:56,520
Speaker 3: those combinations as well, do you guys?

872
00:49:56,719 --> 00:50:00,520
Speaker 6: Do you guys also find that, especially when dating black men,

873
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:07,399
Speaker 6: they always have this marriage story dangling as the as

874
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:16,480
Speaker 6: a prize around you always marriage dangling there too. You know,

875
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:20,279
Speaker 6: if if there's a boundary, they don't know how to

876
00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:24,719
Speaker 6: express that you've crossed it's kind of like for them,

877
00:50:24,880 --> 00:50:27,759
Speaker 6: the first thing is I don't know if I don't

878
00:50:27,880 --> 00:50:30,200
Speaker 6: I don't want to marry a person like this, or

879
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:33,360
Speaker 6: I don't am I going to introduce my family to

880
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:34,480
Speaker 6: a wife who does this.

881
00:50:36,719 --> 00:50:37,400
Speaker 3: It's because they know.

882
00:50:38,239 --> 00:50:40,919
Speaker 4: In our culture, so they're using it against us because

883
00:50:40,960 --> 00:50:43,360
Speaker 4: they're like, oh, okay, well we know. Whereas if you

884
00:50:43,440 --> 00:50:45,320
Speaker 4: say that to like, for example, a white chicken, she

885
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:48,040
Speaker 4: might be like, I don't care. We can be partners married.

886
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:51,759
Speaker 4: But they know it's like manipulation. They know this is

887
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:52,640
Speaker 4: going to matter to you.

888
00:50:53,680 --> 00:50:56,880
Speaker 5: So true, and I think you know speaking of this,

889
00:50:57,040 --> 00:51:00,640
Speaker 5: you identifying this. I think as we you're older, we

890
00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:03,440
Speaker 5: become more aware of these things and don't tolerate it

891
00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:05,840
Speaker 5: as much. I've been there, tolerated a lot of BS

892
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:13,600
Speaker 5: dangles and all that. What now expect from a partner

893
00:51:13,719 --> 00:51:16,239
Speaker 5: that you didn't think of when you were in your twenties.

894
00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:18,400
Speaker 5: I think in the beginning we talked a lot about

895
00:51:18,560 --> 00:51:21,720
Speaker 5: sort of standards and how you kind of become more aware.

896
00:51:22,160 --> 00:51:25,760
Speaker 5: Did he could you share like how that's what's something

897
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:28,799
Speaker 5: that now you're like, I need this, I'm not going

898
00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:31,080
Speaker 5: to tolerate this or I need this from a partner

899
00:51:31,160 --> 00:51:33,759
Speaker 5: that maybe when you're younger you're like yes, whatever, in

900
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:34,759
Speaker 5: your twenties or whatever.

901
00:51:36,400 --> 00:51:42,440
Speaker 6: Consistency. I want a person to be consistent and I

902
00:51:42,440 --> 00:51:45,160
Speaker 6: don't want to hear it. If you're not consistent, then

903
00:51:45,360 --> 00:51:48,960
Speaker 6: I don't We're not going We're not going far. I'm

904
00:51:49,000 --> 00:51:52,279
Speaker 6: a consistent person. I expect you to behave in a

905
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:56,719
Speaker 6: consistent way. That's that's it. And in my twenties I

906
00:51:57,080 --> 00:52:00,719
Speaker 6: went through some of the most inconsistent relationship ships.

907
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:02,920
Speaker 3: With people who would.

908
00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:09,719
Speaker 6: Give you silent treatment that's just so abusive. You don't

909
00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:12,239
Speaker 6: you don't keep quiet for a week or two and

910
00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:17,799
Speaker 6: expect everything to be okay. So consistency, that's it. From

911
00:52:18,040 --> 00:52:23,400
Speaker 6: from speaking to me, texting me, be consistent, from just

912
00:52:23,680 --> 00:52:27,480
Speaker 6: having that integrity, say saying you're going to do something

913
00:52:27,680 --> 00:52:28,680
Speaker 6: and actually doing that.

914
00:52:30,080 --> 00:52:33,560
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, for sure, I see you nodding and agreeing.

915
00:52:33,760 --> 00:52:34,600
Speaker 6: What what was?

916
00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:37,080
Speaker 5: What are some of the things that you've kind of

917
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:40,600
Speaker 5: taken as important now that compared to when you were

918
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:43,000
Speaker 5: in your twenties or younger. Yeah.

919
00:52:44,040 --> 00:52:44,239
Speaker 6: Yeah.

920
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:48,520
Speaker 7: In addition to consistency and integrity, I would say reliability.

921
00:52:49,760 --> 00:52:53,480
Speaker 7: So in my twenties I had this thing where I

922
00:52:53,719 --> 00:52:57,440
Speaker 7: attracted a lot of like beta males for lack of

923
00:52:57,520 --> 00:53:02,319
Speaker 7: a better term. And you know, well, I'm a strong woman, yes,

924
00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:04,600
Speaker 7: but I don't want to have to be that all

925
00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:06,840
Speaker 7: the time. I want to be able to rely on

926
00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:09,160
Speaker 7: someone to take some of the responsibilities, to come up

927
00:53:09,200 --> 00:53:12,879
Speaker 7: with ideas for our relationship, to move forward, to even

928
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:15,560
Speaker 7: plan a trip something simple, you know what I mean.

929
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:18,480
Speaker 7: So it's not all on me because I'm tired too.

930
00:53:19,200 --> 00:53:23,200
Speaker 7: So yeah, for me, reliability is something that is super key.

931
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:23,400
Speaker 2: Now.

932
00:53:23,880 --> 00:53:26,280
Speaker 3: I love that. I love that, Patty.

933
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:28,600
Speaker 5: For you, what has come through for you over the

934
00:53:28,719 --> 00:53:30,360
Speaker 5: years as important.

935
00:53:31,560 --> 00:53:34,279
Speaker 3: Ah, there's so many, but I think the biggest thing

936
00:53:34,360 --> 00:53:38,560
Speaker 3: for me is to be equally yoked. Oh tell us

937
00:53:38,600 --> 00:53:42,399
Speaker 3: not to wait for marriage for that, but in the relationship,

938
00:53:42,760 --> 00:53:50,320
Speaker 3: because just having gone through things by myself, even whilst

939
00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:53,239
Speaker 3: in a relationship, it's hard. You know, when you have

940
00:53:53,400 --> 00:53:56,080
Speaker 3: your person, they're right there and you think they're your person,

941
00:53:56,520 --> 00:54:00,840
Speaker 3: but they're not shouldering that burden for you even you know,

942
00:54:00,960 --> 00:54:03,200
Speaker 3: it's something as simple as just listen to me. I'm

943
00:54:03,239 --> 00:54:06,560
Speaker 3: going through something. I need you to just hear me out.

944
00:54:06,640 --> 00:54:08,480
Speaker 3: You don't have to help me in any way, but

945
00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:11,319
Speaker 3: just just be there and understand and just go, Okay,

946
00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:13,319
Speaker 3: I'm with you. We're just we're going to work through

947
00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:17,440
Speaker 3: this whatever it is. And I guess it ties in

948
00:54:17,560 --> 00:54:20,279
Speaker 3: with what A Diddy and Christina said as well, which

949
00:54:20,360 --> 00:54:25,320
Speaker 3: is just just working together, you know, just even just

950
00:54:25,560 --> 00:54:28,359
Speaker 3: things like holidays, like I did a lot of like oh,

951
00:54:28,719 --> 00:54:32,680
Speaker 3: you know, you know, previous partner just going let's do holidays,

952
00:54:32,719 --> 00:54:34,680
Speaker 3: let's do this, and know it was just like this

953
00:54:34,880 --> 00:54:39,680
Speaker 3: is on you and even making moves in life. You know,

954
00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:41,640
Speaker 3: I have my own home, you know, not to choose

955
00:54:41,680 --> 00:54:52,239
Speaker 3: my own horn. But that was that was a good thing.

956
00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:54,200
Speaker 3: That was like, you know, it took a lot of

957
00:54:54,640 --> 00:54:57,560
Speaker 3: sacrifice to go, I'm not going to go out every

958
00:54:57,560 --> 00:55:00,520
Speaker 3: weekend because I just put money aside. I can't do

959
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:02,719
Speaker 3: this and you know, putting a lot of things on

960
00:55:02,840 --> 00:55:04,560
Speaker 3: hold and have someone just look at you and go

961
00:55:05,640 --> 00:55:08,279
Speaker 3: not my problem. That was really hard for me. So

962
00:55:08,400 --> 00:55:10,200
Speaker 3: it's like, you know, there's so much you can do

963
00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:13,560
Speaker 3: in life with the partner, and it shouldn't start at marriage.

964
00:55:13,840 --> 00:55:16,600
Speaker 3: I think I believe it should start whilst you're in Really,

965
00:55:16,719 --> 00:55:19,200
Speaker 3: he could start building on that foundation to begin with.

966
00:55:19,680 --> 00:55:23,160
Speaker 3: And friendship. Friendship is another thing as well. It's like

967
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:27,120
Speaker 3: when the lust is gone, when I don't get butterflies

968
00:55:27,280 --> 00:55:30,719
Speaker 3: every time I see you, I still want to have that, like,

969
00:55:31,239 --> 00:55:33,120
Speaker 3: you know, to be like, yo, this is my road dog,

970
00:55:33,280 --> 00:55:35,839
Speaker 3: you know, like that's that's my person. When I get

971
00:55:35,880 --> 00:55:37,160
Speaker 3: home at the end of the day and I want

972
00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:40,000
Speaker 3: to still tea you know, he's like, you know, let me,

973
00:55:40,120 --> 00:55:42,279
Speaker 3: let me just grab my beer and then you can

974
00:55:42,360 --> 00:55:45,960
Speaker 3: tell me what to do. And yeah, that's that's where

975
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:46,279
Speaker 3: I'm at.

976
00:55:46,440 --> 00:55:49,520
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I think friendship is such a big one.

977
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:52,360
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I think over actually it's partnership, right, Like

978
00:55:52,520 --> 00:55:57,480
Speaker 5: that's what happens in partnership. It's like consistency, reliability, like

979
00:55:57,560 --> 00:56:00,160
Speaker 5: we're on the same wavelength and we support each other the.

980
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:02,520
Speaker 3: Love that love that.

981
00:56:03,520 --> 00:56:05,200
Speaker 7: But you know what the funny thing is, because I

982
00:56:05,280 --> 00:56:08,120
Speaker 7: was actually telling a dude this very thing. He's like, oh,

983
00:56:08,320 --> 00:56:10,160
Speaker 7: why are you still single? And I told him what

984
00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:12,720
Speaker 7: I was looking for, the very things that we just discussed,

985
00:56:12,719 --> 00:56:14,440
Speaker 7: and he's like, oh, that's really basic.

986
00:56:14,600 --> 00:56:16,560
Speaker 2: I'm like, yes, yes it is.

987
00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:21,839
Speaker 7: And funny that's shocking that you cannot find the very

988
00:56:22,040 --> 00:56:24,640
Speaker 7: basic things in a single person.

989
00:56:25,120 --> 00:56:29,919
Speaker 2: You can find the elements in different people. But it's yeah,

990
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:31,800
Speaker 2: that's that's the struggle for me.

991
00:56:32,640 --> 00:56:33,799
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you were.

992
00:56:33,680 --> 00:56:36,200
Speaker 4: Saying it even so well before Kicks when you said

993
00:56:36,520 --> 00:56:38,360
Speaker 4: sometimes you just want someone to do the chores with

994
00:56:38,640 --> 00:56:40,920
Speaker 4: or like to just do the things in a friendship.

995
00:56:40,960 --> 00:56:42,800
Speaker 4: You would do that if any of you I was

996
00:56:42,880 --> 00:56:45,200
Speaker 4: living with you and you were tired and no, let

997
00:56:45,239 --> 00:56:46,840
Speaker 4: me do it all, let's partner up.

998
00:56:46,840 --> 00:56:47,840
Speaker 3: It would be so normal.

999
00:56:47,920 --> 00:56:50,560
Speaker 4: So it's like, why can't guys sometimes just treat you

1000
00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:53,759
Speaker 4: as they would treat a friend. It's almost like when

1001
00:56:53,800 --> 00:56:56,600
Speaker 4: they have you have that wife title or the girlfriend title,

1002
00:56:57,360 --> 00:57:00,919
Speaker 4: you just get treated so differently and usually not wow,

1003
00:57:01,160 --> 00:57:03,480
Speaker 4: And it's like why not. You're meant to actually love

1004
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:05,640
Speaker 4: me and take care of me and do this life

1005
00:57:05,719 --> 00:57:06,959
Speaker 4: thing with me, not make it worse.

1006
00:57:07,719 --> 00:57:09,200
Speaker 3: So it's quite tough.

1007
00:57:10,000 --> 00:57:12,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, with some guys, it felt like I had a

1008
00:57:12,800 --> 00:57:15,920
Speaker 2: child to take care of. It was like that extent

1009
00:57:17,640 --> 00:57:19,920
Speaker 2: when you have to remind someone their teeth, Like.

1010
00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:26,400
Speaker 6: I dated someone you don't know how to make their

1011
00:57:26,440 --> 00:57:28,680
Speaker 6: own bed. I was disgusted.

1012
00:57:29,760 --> 00:57:35,960
Speaker 4: But can we blame the mothers though, because yeah, so ladies,

1013
00:57:36,080 --> 00:57:38,000
Speaker 4: when you if you do the same check kids and

1014
00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:40,400
Speaker 4: you have boys, we know how to come correct Because

1015
00:57:40,440 --> 00:57:43,240
Speaker 4: some of these boys get coddled, like they literally leave

1016
00:57:43,560 --> 00:57:45,439
Speaker 4: the same way we were talking about how we can't

1017
00:57:45,520 --> 00:57:47,960
Speaker 4: leave our father's houses and go to our husband's. It's

1018
00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:50,760
Speaker 4: the same way some boys do leave from one mother

1019
00:57:50,920 --> 00:57:53,640
Speaker 4: to a girlfriend. Like it's just they don't see it

1020
00:57:53,760 --> 00:57:56,040
Speaker 4: as some boys don't even know how to boil an egg.

1021
00:57:56,320 --> 00:57:58,000
Speaker 4: And you're like, how have you been surviving?

1022
00:57:58,280 --> 00:57:59,640
Speaker 3: Like it's shameful.

1023
00:58:00,080 --> 00:58:01,840
Speaker 5: Yeah, shame is the word.

1024
00:58:04,560 --> 00:58:05,760
Speaker 3: Do you guys have a list?

1025
00:58:06,040 --> 00:58:09,680
Speaker 4: Show up hands? Who has a list? If so, what

1026
00:58:09,800 --> 00:58:10,640
Speaker 4: does what you?

1027
00:58:10,840 --> 00:58:11,280
Speaker 6: So? You do.

1028
00:58:12,760 --> 00:58:13,320
Speaker 3: You have one?

1029
00:58:13,440 --> 00:58:13,560
Speaker 6: Now?

1030
00:58:14,160 --> 00:58:17,200
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, okay, So I was just.

1031
00:58:17,280 --> 00:58:19,120
Speaker 4: Going to ask for those who do have a list,

1032
00:58:19,280 --> 00:58:21,040
Speaker 4: what if he doesn't match it? And if you can

1033
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,960
Speaker 4: tell us a few things on your list I think,

1034
00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:25,440
Speaker 4: I'm sure it's similar to what we've talked about already,

1035
00:58:25,520 --> 00:58:28,280
Speaker 4: but anything else that's like a deal breaker for you, Patty,

1036
00:58:30,240 --> 00:58:30,720
Speaker 4: I have a.

1037
00:58:30,760 --> 00:58:33,840
Speaker 3: List, Yes, I would admit I do. And I've been

1038
00:58:33,880 --> 00:58:37,960
Speaker 3: told a few times by friends and acquaintances that I

1039
00:58:38,080 --> 00:58:41,120
Speaker 3: might need to, you know, be a bit more realistic

1040
00:58:41,200 --> 00:58:44,640
Speaker 3: with my list. But it's just things that I think

1041
00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:48,080
Speaker 3: and I've broken it, that I've split it because I've gone, okay,

1042
00:58:48,160 --> 00:58:50,280
Speaker 3: these are my must house, and then there are things

1043
00:58:50,280 --> 00:58:52,680
Speaker 3: that I'm like, oh yeah, they're good to have so

1044
00:58:53,480 --> 00:58:56,120
Speaker 3: and things that I will compromise on, So things like,

1045
00:58:56,280 --> 00:58:58,880
Speaker 3: you know, I want someone who's career driven, or if

1046
00:58:58,880 --> 00:59:01,439
Speaker 3: they're not career driven, if if they're in whatever space

1047
00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:04,600
Speaker 3: they're in, they just want to strive and do better

1048
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:08,919
Speaker 3: in life, and you know, earn good money as well

1049
00:59:08,960 --> 00:59:09,640
Speaker 3: would be nice.

1050
00:59:09,720 --> 00:59:10,000
Speaker 6: But I.

1051
00:59:13,880 --> 00:59:15,760
Speaker 3: Don't want to be the struggling Okay, I don't want

1052
00:59:15,800 --> 00:59:18,120
Speaker 3: to struggle because I work hard and I want someone

1053
00:59:18,160 --> 00:59:21,280
Speaker 3: who can match that. So for me, it's more I've

1054
00:59:21,360 --> 00:59:26,720
Speaker 3: looked at myself and gone, okay, what what can someone

1055
00:59:26,800 --> 00:59:29,200
Speaker 3: add to this so we can be, you know, a

1056
00:59:29,360 --> 00:59:33,800
Speaker 3: power couple, you know, and I do have a deal

1057
00:59:33,880 --> 00:59:38,520
Speaker 3: breakers And I hate to say this, but children. That's

1058
00:59:38,560 --> 00:59:41,520
Speaker 3: a deal breaker for me. Currently. You could change, someone

1059
00:59:41,560 --> 00:59:44,160
Speaker 3: could be super special and have a child, but it's

1060
00:59:44,200 --> 00:59:48,720
Speaker 3: something that having seen people in those situations and having

1061
00:59:48,920 --> 00:59:52,800
Speaker 3: actually dealt with guys with children, it was not a

1062
00:59:52,840 --> 00:59:57,200
Speaker 3: great situation where they're having to balance between spending time

1063
00:59:57,240 --> 01:00:00,480
Speaker 3: with their child and spending time with you, and I

1064
01:00:00,560 --> 01:00:02,600
Speaker 3: would just feel weird if a guy was to go,

1065
01:00:03,080 --> 01:00:04,960
Speaker 3: oh no, I'm going to prioritize spending time with you

1066
01:00:05,080 --> 01:00:08,080
Speaker 3: over my child, be the fact child needs their father,

1067
01:00:08,320 --> 01:00:11,080
Speaker 3: and especially when coming from a broken home. And I've

1068
01:00:11,160 --> 01:00:14,360
Speaker 3: seen that with children coming from broken home. Dating men

1069
01:00:14,440 --> 01:00:18,560
Speaker 3: who have come from broken homes, it's not great. They're

1070
01:00:18,720 --> 01:00:22,480
Speaker 3: just not whole human beings. So that's a big one

1071
01:00:22,520 --> 01:00:24,200
Speaker 3: for me. I'm just like step mom.

1072
01:00:24,280 --> 01:00:25,040
Speaker 2: Life isn't for me.

1073
01:00:26,000 --> 01:00:29,600
Speaker 3: I can't, but it gets hot up because we're in

1074
01:00:29,640 --> 01:00:33,560
Speaker 3: our thirties, right, and with each year, I'm meeting more

1075
01:00:33,600 --> 01:00:36,200
Speaker 3: and more men who have children. And some men will

1076
01:00:36,280 --> 01:00:39,120
Speaker 3: hide it in their profiles on dating apps. They will

1077
01:00:39,240 --> 01:00:41,240
Speaker 3: just you know, stand like they don't. But you know,

1078
01:00:42,440 --> 01:00:44,840
Speaker 3: I put on my FBI had and I am on

1079
01:00:44,960 --> 01:00:47,720
Speaker 3: the socials looking and I have found out people with

1080
01:00:47,880 --> 01:00:52,400
Speaker 3: whole children, some with partners that they have led about.

1081
01:00:53,520 --> 01:00:56,480
Speaker 3: So yeah, so I do have an extensive list I

1082
01:00:56,560 --> 01:00:58,920
Speaker 3: wish I had to write on me. I could actually

1083
01:00:58,920 --> 01:01:01,960
Speaker 3: read it two things of it. But you know, there

1084
01:01:02,000 --> 01:01:04,840
Speaker 3: are some things important, things like someone who's good looking

1085
01:01:04,920 --> 01:01:11,240
Speaker 3: appealing to me because that looks so important. Yeah, yeah,

1086
01:01:11,320 --> 01:01:14,560
Speaker 3: having a good heart, someone who's I would say, I

1087
01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:17,840
Speaker 3: would prefer a Christian, but spiritual is all right as well.

1088
01:01:18,120 --> 01:01:21,080
Speaker 3: Or if the atheist. If someone they can respect that

1089
01:01:21,480 --> 01:01:25,160
Speaker 3: I do, you know, practice my religion that I am Christian,

1090
01:01:25,200 --> 01:01:27,960
Speaker 3: I do it in church. You know they could respect that,

1091
01:01:28,080 --> 01:01:31,600
Speaker 3: then that's fine. Yeah. I could run off a few

1092
01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:33,040
Speaker 3: more things, but I feel like I take up too

1093
01:01:33,080 --> 01:01:38,920
Speaker 3: much times. It's a long ladies.

1094
01:01:41,080 --> 01:01:44,600
Speaker 7: Yeah, after listening to to Patty, I'm just like, yesh,

1095
01:01:44,640 --> 01:01:46,680
Speaker 7: maybe I should add some things to listic.

1096
01:01:48,560 --> 01:01:49,560
Speaker 2: Looking at this show here.

1097
01:01:53,680 --> 01:01:56,400
Speaker 7: Yeah, no, my list basically the standard is that they

1098
01:01:56,440 --> 01:01:58,480
Speaker 7: talked about that that are very about, you know, the

1099
01:01:58,800 --> 01:02:01,479
Speaker 7: character of the person. So I think maybe I didn't

1100
01:02:01,480 --> 01:02:04,080
Speaker 7: mention like good communicator that's a big thing for me,

1101
01:02:04,200 --> 01:02:09,240
Speaker 7: as well as empathetic. And then I'm thinking someone who

1102
01:02:09,480 --> 01:02:13,040
Speaker 7: is able to take care of themselves, like financially, they

1103
01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:15,720
Speaker 7: don't have to be a balla. It's okay because I'm

1104
01:02:15,800 --> 01:02:19,520
Speaker 7: gonna be like on my own level, so it's okay.

1105
01:02:19,880 --> 01:02:22,520
Speaker 7: It's just you know X, he can take care of

1106
01:02:22,640 --> 01:02:26,919
Speaker 7: like the phone bill whatever. It's because I'm just gonna

1107
01:02:26,920 --> 01:02:27,360
Speaker 7: be update.

1108
01:02:29,080 --> 01:02:29,240
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1109
01:02:29,320 --> 01:02:31,440
Speaker 7: No, so that doesn't really matter to me that much.

1110
01:02:31,800 --> 01:02:33,680
Speaker 7: Just someone who is able to take care of themselves

1111
01:02:33,760 --> 01:02:37,360
Speaker 7: and children. Yeah, Patty mentioned children.

1112
01:02:37,520 --> 01:02:38,320
Speaker 3: That is for me.

1113
01:02:38,480 --> 01:02:44,280
Speaker 7: That is also a deal breaker unfortunately, and also who

1114
01:02:45,200 --> 01:02:49,440
Speaker 7: someone who wants children is also an iffy thing for

1115
01:02:49,600 --> 01:02:52,560
Speaker 7: me because I don't have a desire to have children.

1116
01:02:53,240 --> 01:02:55,880
Speaker 7: So that is another thing that makes dating in my

1117
01:02:56,000 --> 01:02:59,320
Speaker 7: thirties hard because I find a lot of guys want

1118
01:02:59,440 --> 01:03:02,400
Speaker 7: to have kids, and I'm just like, I don't know

1119
01:03:02,440 --> 01:03:03,480
Speaker 7: if I can do that for you.

1120
01:03:04,080 --> 01:03:10,320
Speaker 3: So yeah, yeah, can weep? Yeah? Can we start the series?

1121
01:03:11,040 --> 01:03:17,400
Speaker 3: Because I feel like I find children and I'm really yeah,

1122
01:03:17,840 --> 01:03:20,919
Speaker 3: like on the apps, like literally I'm looking guys, they'll,

1123
01:03:21,160 --> 01:03:23,040
Speaker 3: you know, like my profile and then I look at

1124
01:03:23,040 --> 01:03:25,360
Speaker 3: they're like, no, kids, don't want kids, and I'm like, no, sir,

1125
01:03:25,480 --> 01:03:32,200
Speaker 3: I want three. So on the same page, I mean,

1126
01:03:32,520 --> 01:03:36,760
Speaker 3: I come to my building, but yeah, I'm considering a girl.

1127
01:03:36,800 --> 01:03:40,160
Speaker 3: I'm considering it. Yeah, for me, I want children, and

1128
01:03:40,600 --> 01:03:44,280
Speaker 3: I guess it's been a fifty to fifty were matched

1129
01:03:44,280 --> 01:03:47,600
Speaker 3: with some guys who, you know, don't want children. But

1130
01:03:47,960 --> 01:03:49,760
Speaker 3: I know, at the end of the day, you can't

1131
01:03:49,800 --> 01:03:53,040
Speaker 3: convince someone to have children if they've decided that that's

1132
01:03:53,200 --> 01:03:56,000
Speaker 3: not what I want in life. And I never want

1133
01:03:56,040 --> 01:03:57,840
Speaker 3: to be in a situation where I'm hoping that they

1134
01:03:57,840 --> 01:04:00,720
Speaker 3: will change. It's just one of those things. If if

1135
01:04:00,760 --> 01:04:03,040
Speaker 3: that's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker. You know.

1136
01:04:03,120 --> 01:04:05,000
Speaker 3: I don't think people bend on things like that.

1137
01:04:05,320 --> 01:04:08,600
Speaker 4: So yeah, I've had that experience and I've just gone no,

1138
01:04:09,080 --> 01:04:11,919
Speaker 4: I'm not going to waste time doing that. So I'm

1139
01:04:12,000 --> 01:04:15,480
Speaker 4: all for you know, having someone having a guy, a

1140
01:04:15,600 --> 01:04:19,840
Speaker 4: man who wants to have children with me. Yeah, okay,

1141
01:04:20,040 --> 01:04:22,320
Speaker 4: did you did you forego a list or did you

1142
01:04:22,520 --> 01:04:24,040
Speaker 4: just think not necessary?

1143
01:04:24,120 --> 01:04:28,120
Speaker 6: I don't. I don't have a list. I don't have

1144
01:04:28,200 --> 01:04:30,760
Speaker 6: a list, and it's because I want to open myself

1145
01:04:30,960 --> 01:04:37,320
Speaker 6: up to meeting different kinds of people. But I am

1146
01:04:37,560 --> 01:04:41,280
Speaker 6: big on values. If we if we don't share the

1147
01:04:41,400 --> 01:04:47,040
Speaker 6: same core values, then we dignity can't go forward. I've

1148
01:04:47,160 --> 01:04:51,720
Speaker 6: dated people with children. It's always very it's always complicated

1149
01:04:53,200 --> 01:04:58,720
Speaker 6: when you when you don't have children yourself. So but

1150
01:04:58,800 --> 01:05:02,080
Speaker 6: I'm not it's not a deal breaker for me. When

1151
01:05:02,160 --> 01:05:06,200
Speaker 6: people do have children, it's not a deal breaker. If

1152
01:05:06,240 --> 01:05:10,919
Speaker 6: you're divorced or whatever, it's yeah, that's not a deal

1153
01:05:10,960 --> 01:05:14,440
Speaker 6: breaker for me. So my list is non existent. I'm

1154
01:05:14,520 --> 01:05:20,280
Speaker 6: quite fluid about about it. All that's okay. The thick.

1155
01:05:22,000 --> 01:05:25,480
Speaker 4: I think, Yeah, I know, it's like what I love

1156
01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:26,920
Speaker 4: about Black African women as well.

1157
01:05:27,000 --> 01:05:28,280
Speaker 3: Is that we're so nuanced.

1158
01:05:28,320 --> 01:05:31,040
Speaker 4: And I think for a long time the narrative was

1159
01:05:31,080 --> 01:05:33,760
Speaker 4: with strong black women and that was just like it.

1160
01:05:34,320 --> 01:05:36,720
Speaker 4: But now actually, as we such a dove deeper, it's

1161
01:05:36,720 --> 01:05:39,600
Speaker 4: such as realize that we all live our lives very differently,

1162
01:05:39,720 --> 01:05:42,320
Speaker 4: and the same way white women or Spanic women or

1163
01:05:42,320 --> 01:05:45,439
Speaker 4: whatever can be all different, we are just the same.

1164
01:05:45,600 --> 01:05:48,280
Speaker 3: So lists or no lists, whatever works for you.

1165
01:05:48,560 --> 01:05:51,960
Speaker 4: So you guys brought up money, a little bit of money,

1166
01:05:52,040 --> 01:05:53,400
Speaker 4: money talk, what's happening there?

1167
01:05:53,840 --> 01:05:54,040
Speaker 6: Do you?

1168
01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:56,400
Speaker 4: Is that a deal breaker for you? The guy makes

1169
01:05:56,640 --> 01:05:59,959
Speaker 4: way less, maybe way more as fine, but way less.

1170
01:06:04,920 --> 01:06:06,040
Speaker 5: This is so much?

1171
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:09,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, how much is way less?

1172
01:06:11,200 --> 01:06:14,520
Speaker 7: I suppose that's what I'd want to try to understand.

1173
01:06:14,680 --> 01:06:17,760
Speaker 7: Because if you, if you're able to meet your basic

1174
01:06:17,960 --> 01:06:22,720
Speaker 7: needs of food and shelter and a little you know,

1175
01:06:22,840 --> 01:06:25,440
Speaker 7: money for savings and stuff, that's fine for me.

1176
01:06:25,840 --> 01:06:28,280
Speaker 2: I just need someone who's able to do that for themselves.

1177
01:06:29,440 --> 01:06:32,000
Speaker 4: But you spoke about travel, so let's just say he

1178
01:06:32,120 --> 01:06:36,400
Speaker 4: can do his food, his obviously basic necessities, and have

1179
01:06:36,480 --> 01:06:39,520
Speaker 4: a little bit of savings. But perhaps if you're invited

1180
01:06:39,600 --> 01:06:41,640
Speaker 4: to a trip, like a few years ago, we used

1181
01:06:41,640 --> 01:06:42,800
Speaker 4: to always gone nearly trips.

1182
01:06:42,880 --> 01:06:44,520
Speaker 3: If he says, to your kicks, you.

1183
01:06:44,600 --> 01:06:47,000
Speaker 4: Can go, I can't, and then you're like, oh, I'll

1184
01:06:47,040 --> 01:06:48,960
Speaker 4: fund it, or would you be okay to fund it

1185
01:06:49,280 --> 01:06:51,080
Speaker 4: or like for the extra stuff?

1186
01:06:51,120 --> 01:06:52,360
Speaker 3: I suppose how would you feel?

1187
01:06:54,680 --> 01:06:56,919
Speaker 7: I think it would depend on what level I'm at

1188
01:06:58,400 --> 01:07:02,880
Speaker 7: if I'm envisioning my future self and just the amount

1189
01:07:02,920 --> 01:07:04,800
Speaker 7: of success I will have. I will not have any

1190
01:07:04,880 --> 01:07:08,280
Speaker 7: problems funding a fun triple. Like you know, I can

1191
01:07:08,360 --> 01:07:10,960
Speaker 7: be Obrah, he can be stateman. It's cool, you know.

1192
01:07:11,680 --> 01:07:13,840
Speaker 2: I don't have any issues with that right now.

1193
01:07:14,280 --> 01:07:16,200
Speaker 7: I suppose it depends on how much the trip is,

1194
01:07:16,240 --> 01:07:20,240
Speaker 7: because I do think that there is like I do

1195
01:07:20,440 --> 01:07:24,680
Speaker 7: have a little bit of a little resentment for like

1196
01:07:24,840 --> 01:07:27,640
Speaker 7: traveling alone as a single person, because I'm like, damn,

1197
01:07:27,720 --> 01:07:29,880
Speaker 7: if I had a partner, this hotel room would be.

1198
01:07:30,040 --> 01:07:32,280
Speaker 2: Like half the price, you know what I mean.

1199
01:07:32,960 --> 01:07:36,280
Speaker 7: So there are things like that that I'm like, Oh,

1200
01:07:36,480 --> 01:07:40,520
Speaker 7: if I had someone who could yeah help help with that,

1201
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:45,040
Speaker 7: that would be awesome. That double income life would be ideal.

1202
01:07:45,240 --> 01:07:52,439
Speaker 7: But I don't think it's super necessary for me, DD

1203
01:07:52,680 --> 01:07:52,880
Speaker 7: for you.

1204
01:07:53,400 --> 01:07:56,160
Speaker 6: I think for me, so I grew up in a

1205
01:07:56,280 --> 01:08:01,000
Speaker 6: dual income household, I believe in dual income household. In general,

1206
01:08:02,360 --> 01:08:08,760
Speaker 6: I'm not I'm not picky about finances. So I've dated

1207
01:08:09,320 --> 01:08:15,640
Speaker 6: people who are quite wealthy, and I've dated people who

1208
01:08:15,760 --> 01:08:21,840
Speaker 6: are just okay, And I don't think my lifestyle has

1209
01:08:22,080 --> 01:08:26,519
Speaker 6: ever changed either way. So it really doesn't matter to

1210
01:08:26,600 --> 01:08:32,479
Speaker 6: me how much you make. But in order to to

1211
01:08:32,640 --> 01:08:37,920
Speaker 6: run a household, there has to be some level of

1212
01:08:38,560 --> 01:08:46,040
Speaker 6: transparency about finances. You've got to understand also what that

1213
01:08:46,680 --> 01:08:50,439
Speaker 6: what the next person's financial habits look like. Because now

1214
01:08:50,520 --> 01:08:53,479
Speaker 6: you you you're thinking about someone you want to raise

1215
01:08:53,520 --> 01:08:57,040
Speaker 6: a family with, You've got to understand what what their

1216
01:08:57,120 --> 01:09:00,360
Speaker 6: finances look like. You know, you've got to under stand

1217
01:09:00,960 --> 01:09:05,200
Speaker 6: how they spend money, what makes them spend money, how

1218
01:09:05,240 --> 01:09:08,600
Speaker 6: they use their money, how much black tax they have

1219
01:09:09,040 --> 01:09:14,760
Speaker 6: in their lives, you know, those those tiny habits. You've

1220
01:09:14,800 --> 01:09:20,040
Speaker 6: got to really discuss that openly and then decide if

1221
01:09:20,080 --> 01:09:24,040
Speaker 6: that's if that's going to work for you. If somebody

1222
01:09:24,280 --> 01:09:28,160
Speaker 6: is under the burden of a lot of black tax

1223
01:09:28,880 --> 01:09:32,800
Speaker 6: and you want to live in a beautiful three four

1224
01:09:32,880 --> 01:09:37,840
Speaker 6: bedroom home, you might not get that opportunity in that

1225
01:09:38,640 --> 01:09:42,799
Speaker 6: household because this person is running a whole different household.

1226
01:09:42,840 --> 01:09:45,639
Speaker 6: So those are conversations you must actually have quite earlier

1227
01:09:45,720 --> 01:09:51,519
Speaker 6: on about about finances, about where you're going, what do

1228
01:09:51,640 --> 01:09:53,840
Speaker 6: you want, what kind of schools you want your children

1229
01:09:53,920 --> 01:09:56,000
Speaker 6: to go to, you know, little things like that.

1230
01:09:57,240 --> 01:09:59,360
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, I agree, because black tax in the three

1231
01:09:59,439 --> 01:10:06,400
Speaker 4: or four bedroom house, they might just move in. My

1232
01:10:06,520 --> 01:10:09,080
Speaker 4: sister's coming to love you well, my brother, and that's

1233
01:10:09,120 --> 01:10:10,280
Speaker 4: a form of black tex too.

1234
01:10:10,360 --> 01:10:12,840
Speaker 3: You're not getting family to move in. So it's a

1235
01:10:13,600 --> 01:10:14,759
Speaker 3: decent you must discuss.

1236
01:10:15,280 --> 01:10:18,200
Speaker 6: You must discuss those things. You know, if you're dating

1237
01:10:18,280 --> 01:10:20,960
Speaker 6: someone who comes from a family of ten and you

1238
01:10:21,120 --> 01:10:24,040
Speaker 6: only have one sibling, you must understand that those dynamics

1239
01:10:24,080 --> 01:10:27,400
Speaker 6: are different and have open conversations about it. And if

1240
01:10:27,439 --> 01:10:30,000
Speaker 6: it's not going to work for you to have their

1241
01:10:30,040 --> 01:10:35,240
Speaker 6: siblings around all the time, you're free to move on

1242
01:10:35,680 --> 01:10:39,920
Speaker 6: if that's something they value a lot. So it's conversations

1243
01:10:39,960 --> 01:10:43,439
Speaker 6: that you just with finances, just be open about it.

1244
01:10:43,600 --> 01:10:47,519
Speaker 6: It's tough because I think people don't like to talk

1245
01:10:47,600 --> 01:10:51,720
Speaker 6: about finances. They don't like to talk about financial expectations,

1246
01:10:52,200 --> 01:10:54,839
Speaker 6: especially as Black women. We're accused of being gold diggers

1247
01:10:55,240 --> 01:11:00,720
Speaker 6: whenever we bring up finances and wanting our lives to comfortable,

1248
01:11:02,280 --> 01:11:05,960
Speaker 6: and we usually accuse of gold digging by people who

1249
01:11:06,040 --> 01:11:09,000
Speaker 6: have no gold to dig for in the first place.

1250
01:11:09,479 --> 01:11:14,599
Speaker 6: So it's it's very important to actually be clear to say, look,

1251
01:11:14,680 --> 01:11:17,000
Speaker 6: this is this is how my finances look, this is

1252
01:11:17,040 --> 01:11:19,600
Speaker 6: the life I want to live, and discuss it with

1253
01:11:19,720 --> 01:11:21,240
Speaker 6: your partner open.

1254
01:11:23,439 --> 01:11:31,400
Speaker 9: Baz would drop just basy, I feel like and for

1255
01:11:31,560 --> 01:11:35,240
Speaker 9: me is speaking from past experiences. So you know, people,

1256
01:11:36,000 --> 01:11:37,720
Speaker 9: I don't want people to come for me and say, oh,

1257
01:11:37,920 --> 01:11:39,559
Speaker 9: you just want someone who's a big baller.

1258
01:11:39,680 --> 01:11:43,360
Speaker 3: No, but it was just when dealing with men and

1259
01:11:45,120 --> 01:11:50,320
Speaker 3: their egos and the fragility of those egos when you're

1260
01:11:50,360 --> 01:11:54,000
Speaker 3: a woman who's doing well in life. And I'm not

1261
01:11:54,080 --> 01:11:56,960
Speaker 3: saying I'm a big baller, but you know, I want

1262
01:11:57,000 --> 01:11:59,800
Speaker 3: to do more in my life and make more money

1263
01:12:00,320 --> 01:12:04,639
Speaker 3: and be comfortable because for me, it stems from growing

1264
01:12:04,760 --> 01:12:09,479
Speaker 3: up and my parents wanting more and them moving, you know,

1265
01:12:09,720 --> 01:12:12,040
Speaker 3: leaving some up with leaving all of our family behind

1266
01:12:12,320 --> 01:12:15,320
Speaker 3: to come to Australia to establish this life, to put

1267
01:12:15,400 --> 01:12:18,160
Speaker 3: me through school, me and my brother and all the

1268
01:12:18,200 --> 01:12:20,200
Speaker 3: sacrifices they've made. It's like, no, I need to do

1269
01:12:20,360 --> 01:12:23,560
Speaker 3: more and I want to create generational walk and I

1270
01:12:23,640 --> 01:12:27,320
Speaker 3: want someone who is there with me going yes, okay,

1271
01:12:27,479 --> 01:12:30,960
Speaker 3: we can do this. And I've found that when you're

1272
01:12:31,000 --> 01:12:34,439
Speaker 3: talking to someone or dating someone who's earning less, there's

1273
01:12:34,479 --> 01:12:36,160
Speaker 3: a lot less that you're able to do. Even talking

1274
01:12:36,160 --> 01:12:39,720
Speaker 3: about finances, it's not a comfortable thing because then they're going, oh,

1275
01:12:40,320 --> 01:12:42,800
Speaker 3: so you can you can do that. You can just

1276
01:12:42,960 --> 01:12:46,960
Speaker 3: go on holidays once a year. Wow, Wow, you really

1277
01:12:47,040 --> 01:12:48,680
Speaker 3: do that. You go with a group of friends like

1278
01:12:49,000 --> 01:12:50,880
Speaker 3: you know we've done in the past, and it's like,

1279
01:12:51,680 --> 01:12:54,200
Speaker 3: you know, they're mind blown by Wow, why would you

1280
01:12:54,320 --> 01:12:58,280
Speaker 3: do that? And it's just that's where that being aligned

1281
01:12:58,360 --> 01:13:00,280
Speaker 3: with someone is life where I'm like, you know, they

1282
01:13:00,320 --> 01:13:02,280
Speaker 3: don't have to make the same amount of money, But

1283
01:13:02,840 --> 01:13:05,559
Speaker 3: I wouldn't date someone who's postful for what I am

1284
01:13:05,880 --> 01:13:10,000
Speaker 3: because then it just wouldn't work. It wouldn't work if

1285
01:13:10,040 --> 01:13:13,160
Speaker 3: we're going to talk about, you know, building a life together,

1286
01:13:13,320 --> 01:13:16,719
Speaker 3: purchasing properties where our children are going to go to school,

1287
01:13:16,920 --> 01:13:19,240
Speaker 3: kind of schools in public and private, those are like

1288
01:13:19,520 --> 01:13:24,640
Speaker 3: significant costs you're looking at, So I yeah, for me, no, no,

1289
01:13:25,000 --> 01:13:29,479
Speaker 3: we get a little bit less. But again, there's so

1290
01:13:29,560 --> 01:13:34,479
Speaker 3: many opportunities to make money. So with things like cryptocurrency,

1291
01:13:35,760 --> 01:13:39,439
Speaker 3: having your own business, you know, being an entrepreneur, being

1292
01:13:39,640 --> 01:13:42,519
Speaker 3: a creative, there's so much more that people can do.

1293
01:13:42,760 --> 01:13:45,160
Speaker 3: So I don't think I could just be okay with

1294
01:13:45,240 --> 01:13:47,880
Speaker 3: someone going this is where I'm at and i want

1295
01:13:47,880 --> 01:13:50,160
Speaker 3: to be with you, but understand that I'm only going

1296
01:13:50,280 --> 01:13:52,160
Speaker 3: to make so much money and I'm not trying to

1297
01:13:52,200 --> 01:13:54,600
Speaker 3: do more. Yeah, I wouldn't be able to do that.

1298
01:13:56,080 --> 01:14:01,040
Speaker 7: Even if they meet everything else on your list, you

1299
01:14:01,040 --> 01:14:02,040
Speaker 7: would walk away.

1300
01:14:05,080 --> 01:14:06,599
Speaker 6: Come through kicks of the questions.

1301
01:14:09,360 --> 01:14:14,760
Speaker 3: That's a hard one. But again it depends on how

1302
01:14:14,920 --> 01:14:17,960
Speaker 3: much less if they're earning happened. It's a struggle because

1303
01:14:18,280 --> 01:14:21,599
Speaker 3: I've seen people in our community, you know, zim women

1304
01:14:21,680 --> 01:14:26,519
Speaker 3: propping up their entire family with their partners not holding

1305
01:14:26,600 --> 01:14:29,320
Speaker 3: up there, and you know how it is. It's like, oh,

1306
01:14:29,479 --> 01:14:31,640
Speaker 3: still respect me as the man, I still should make

1307
01:14:31,680 --> 01:14:35,240
Speaker 3: all these financial decisions, but it's like, if I'm the

1308
01:14:35,320 --> 01:14:39,000
Speaker 3: one earning so much money, we should be deciding on

1309
01:14:39,160 --> 01:14:42,120
Speaker 3: what happens as a couple as husband and wife, not

1310
01:14:42,400 --> 01:14:45,640
Speaker 3: the man leading the way but not holding up his end.

1311
01:14:46,360 --> 01:14:49,439
Speaker 3: So I would struggle with that part. That's me.

1312
01:14:49,640 --> 01:14:51,960
Speaker 5: I think it comes to what you said. It depends

1313
01:14:52,040 --> 01:14:57,200
Speaker 5: on the ego and how fragile, and because if someone

1314
01:14:57,560 --> 01:14:59,720
Speaker 5: has a big ego and wants to feel like the man,

1315
01:15:00,040 --> 01:15:04,040
Speaker 5: they earn significantly less and then expect to be like

1316
01:15:04,240 --> 01:15:06,600
Speaker 5: telling you calling all the shots and you know, you

1317
01:15:06,760 --> 01:15:11,280
Speaker 5: sit down. It makes it complicated. But if they meet

1318
01:15:11,439 --> 01:15:15,559
Speaker 5: all your ideals and they don't have this who who

1319
01:15:15,880 --> 01:15:17,240
Speaker 5: I'm the man I'm gonna make all.

1320
01:15:19,240 --> 01:15:20,519
Speaker 4: You know, you know.

1321
01:15:24,000 --> 01:15:24,280
Speaker 6: It is.

1322
01:15:24,479 --> 01:15:27,439
Speaker 3: But we can work on it because I mean, we're

1323
01:15:28,280 --> 01:15:30,800
Speaker 3: anywhere in the world you can make more money. You can.

1324
01:15:31,439 --> 01:15:33,479
Speaker 3: You know, you don't have to just be like, oh,

1325
01:15:33,560 --> 01:15:35,360
Speaker 3: you know, this is where I'm at and that's it.

1326
01:15:35,520 --> 01:15:38,080
Speaker 3: You can still do more. So it's okay, we can

1327
01:15:38,160 --> 01:15:41,320
Speaker 3: work on that one. I can. As long as that person,

1328
01:15:41,400 --> 01:15:44,240
Speaker 3: that man is willing to say, Okay, you know, babe,

1329
01:15:44,640 --> 01:15:47,519
Speaker 3: I don't earn that much, but I'm willing to work

1330
01:15:47,600 --> 01:15:50,680
Speaker 3: my way up towards that, then okay, yeah we can.

1331
01:15:50,760 --> 01:15:51,240
Speaker 3: We can do that.

1332
01:15:51,840 --> 01:15:55,800
Speaker 4: But you have to see the potential you're saying. You

1333
01:15:55,880 --> 01:15:57,720
Speaker 4: have to see that he's gonna get himself out of

1334
01:15:57,760 --> 01:16:00,280
Speaker 4: this current situation. That's pretty much.

1335
01:16:01,240 --> 01:16:02,439
Speaker 3: And I don't.

1336
01:16:03,840 --> 01:16:07,880
Speaker 7: I don't date for potential, Like I've made that mistake before,

1337
01:16:08,360 --> 01:16:11,559
Speaker 7: So I like I like to purchase a scene on screen.

1338
01:16:11,640 --> 01:16:12,240
Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?

1339
01:16:12,320 --> 01:16:14,479
Speaker 3: Like what you eat?

1340
01:16:16,600 --> 01:16:18,880
Speaker 2: Because yeah, you can. You can sell yourself.

1341
01:16:18,720 --> 01:16:23,759
Speaker 7: Dreams thinking someone is going to eventually get to whatever

1342
01:16:23,880 --> 01:16:25,160
Speaker 7: level that you want them to be.

1343
01:16:25,720 --> 01:16:30,040
Speaker 5: Yeah, that brings me to you know, the next question

1344
01:16:30,160 --> 01:16:32,640
Speaker 5: as we kind of get ready to wrap this up

1345
01:16:33,600 --> 01:16:37,519
Speaker 5: any because Kicks just said I've made that mistake before dating?

1346
01:16:37,600 --> 01:16:42,479
Speaker 5: What for potential any dating regrets that you have had

1347
01:16:42,720 --> 01:16:45,160
Speaker 5: in your past experience?

1348
01:16:47,320 --> 01:16:47,599
Speaker 3: Yeah?

1349
01:16:47,920 --> 01:16:52,000
Speaker 5: Man, Like, yeah, let's take a walk down memory lane, Kicks.

1350
01:16:52,000 --> 01:16:56,040
Speaker 5: I'll let you kick off because you already you've got

1351
01:16:56,120 --> 01:16:57,000
Speaker 5: me stimulated on.

1352
01:16:58,840 --> 01:16:59,000
Speaker 4: Um.

1353
01:16:59,520 --> 01:17:03,360
Speaker 7: Yeah, grads just not listening to my intuition, I think,

1354
01:17:04,880 --> 01:17:09,080
Speaker 7: and entering into relationships before I was ready to so,

1355
01:17:10,080 --> 01:17:12,680
Speaker 7: I think, especially in my twenties. I went through a

1356
01:17:13,000 --> 01:17:17,519
Speaker 7: depressive episode in my sophomore year, my second year of college,

1357
01:17:18,240 --> 01:17:21,320
Speaker 7: and there was a guy who was interested in me,

1358
01:17:21,640 --> 01:17:25,479
Speaker 7: and because he was giving me that attention and he

1359
01:17:25,640 --> 01:17:29,679
Speaker 7: was a lovely guy to be honest, but I still

1360
01:17:29,720 --> 01:17:33,120
Speaker 7: feel like we probably should have never dated, although I

1361
01:17:33,200 --> 01:17:35,120
Speaker 7: did learn a lot from that relationship. That was like

1362
01:17:35,200 --> 01:17:38,120
Speaker 7: the most significant relationship in my college years. But it

1363
01:17:38,240 --> 01:17:41,960
Speaker 7: happened because I was in such a bad place of

1364
01:17:42,240 --> 01:17:47,240
Speaker 7: you know, self esteem, and yeah, just dealing with the

1365
01:17:47,320 --> 01:17:51,519
Speaker 7: culture shock of being in America. So I think entering

1366
01:17:51,560 --> 01:17:54,600
Speaker 7: into relationships when you yourself, you are strong and not

1367
01:17:54,720 --> 01:17:58,920
Speaker 7: because you need validation from someone else is something that

1368
01:17:59,000 --> 01:18:01,400
Speaker 7: I would say is is a major key. And just

1369
01:18:01,479 --> 01:18:03,800
Speaker 7: listening to your intuition. I've dated people just because I

1370
01:18:03,880 --> 01:18:06,519
Speaker 7: was like, Okay, let's see where this goes. But deep

1371
01:18:06,560 --> 01:18:09,640
Speaker 7: down inside I knew that it was not going to

1372
01:18:09,680 --> 01:18:14,720
Speaker 7: work out for me, so I was, yeah, trust I

1373
01:18:14,800 --> 01:18:17,400
Speaker 7: don't think trust your instincts. I don't like to say

1374
01:18:17,400 --> 01:18:19,000
Speaker 7: it was a waste of time because I think everything

1375
01:18:19,080 --> 01:18:21,720
Speaker 7: that happens happens for a reason and you learn from it.

1376
01:18:21,960 --> 01:18:25,000
Speaker 7: So I wouldn't say it's a regret, it's just a learning.

1377
01:18:25,360 --> 01:18:29,560
Speaker 8: Yeah, for sure, Patty, for you any regrets any in

1378
01:18:29,640 --> 01:18:32,000
Speaker 8: your experience, there are.

1379
01:18:32,000 --> 01:18:38,720
Speaker 3: So many regrets, so many regrets, and like with DJKS,

1380
01:18:38,800 --> 01:18:43,720
Speaker 3: it comes back to not listening to my intuition. So yeah,

1381
01:18:44,040 --> 01:18:47,760
Speaker 3: just putting myself in situations where dating someone in just

1382
01:18:50,320 --> 01:18:53,600
Speaker 3: giving someone too much time and too much weeway to

1383
01:18:53,680 --> 01:18:59,000
Speaker 3: do wrong towards you. Yeah, that's been the biggest thing.

1384
01:18:59,320 --> 01:19:03,120
Speaker 3: And just allowing too much time, wasting there was a

1385
01:19:03,240 --> 01:19:06,360
Speaker 3: lot of that in recent years, where like even with

1386
01:19:07,200 --> 01:19:09,120
Speaker 3: and a lot of it, I've realized in the past

1387
01:19:10,000 --> 01:19:12,360
Speaker 3: year in a bit has been a lot of just

1388
01:19:12,920 --> 01:19:16,400
Speaker 3: letting people have their way, you know, drag you along,

1389
01:19:16,720 --> 01:19:19,400
Speaker 3: use you as a pen pal, or you know, just

1390
01:19:19,800 --> 01:19:23,559
Speaker 3: someone to help, you know, past time because we're all stuck,

1391
01:19:23,600 --> 01:19:25,880
Speaker 3: we're on lockdown and we have nothing to do. But

1392
01:19:26,840 --> 01:19:31,800
Speaker 3: not yeah, just people not looking to have a relationship,

1393
01:19:31,920 --> 01:19:33,840
Speaker 3: just looking for a oh you know, this is something

1394
01:19:33,920 --> 01:19:36,760
Speaker 3: to pass my time. So yeah, that's been a big

1395
01:19:36,840 --> 01:19:39,800
Speaker 3: regret in recent years where I've just been like you, no,

1396
01:19:40,560 --> 01:19:42,560
Speaker 3: I want someone who wants to talk to me, is

1397
01:19:42,680 --> 01:19:45,000
Speaker 3: keen to get to know me, and not just the

1398
01:19:45,560 --> 01:19:47,960
Speaker 3: this is for now because I'm in the house.

1399
01:19:50,680 --> 01:19:53,720
Speaker 8: That's yeah, there's no time for time wasting. That's that's

1400
01:19:53,760 --> 01:19:56,280
Speaker 8: also I wasted.

1401
01:19:56,000 --> 01:20:00,160
Speaker 5: A lot of time, a lot too much didy and

1402
01:20:00,320 --> 01:20:01,240
Speaker 5: for you, any.

1403
01:20:01,080 --> 01:20:07,519
Speaker 6: Regrets that you had, you know, Yeah, also not trusting

1404
01:20:07,600 --> 01:20:16,479
Speaker 6: my instinct is something that I definitely regret. But also

1405
01:20:16,840 --> 01:20:21,400
Speaker 6: for giving people too many times, giving people chances over

1406
01:20:21,479 --> 01:20:24,679
Speaker 6: and over when I could just move on. I think

1407
01:20:25,880 --> 01:20:30,240
Speaker 6: that puts you in a place where you are vulnerable

1408
01:20:30,400 --> 01:20:34,040
Speaker 6: to the abuse that that person is fishing out to you.

1409
01:20:34,880 --> 01:20:38,960
Speaker 6: And I think this one is quite a big thing

1410
01:20:39,040 --> 01:20:45,479
Speaker 6: because I'm quite an empathetic person, and you know, being

1411
01:20:46,479 --> 01:20:50,000
Speaker 6: being like a therapist to these guys.

1412
01:20:51,400 --> 01:20:51,920
Speaker 3: Don't do it.

1413
01:20:52,240 --> 01:20:54,120
Speaker 6: They must do their own work, they must go to

1414
01:20:54,200 --> 01:20:56,479
Speaker 6: therapy if they need to go to therapy. You do

1415
01:20:56,600 --> 01:21:00,400
Speaker 6: your own work. You are not there to solve their problems.

1416
01:21:01,320 --> 01:21:07,160
Speaker 6: And black women really like to bounce into this problem

1417
01:21:07,280 --> 01:21:10,479
Speaker 6: solving role when it comes to relationships. You're not in

1418
01:21:10,560 --> 01:21:15,120
Speaker 6: a relationship alone. Those problems are not your own you

1419
01:21:15,400 --> 01:21:19,280
Speaker 6: are you are sharing the load with a partner. Why

1420
01:21:19,360 --> 01:21:21,679
Speaker 6: are you the one who always has to listen, always

1421
01:21:21,720 --> 01:21:25,840
Speaker 6: has to adjust, who always has to find solutions to

1422
01:21:25,960 --> 01:21:29,360
Speaker 6: move forward in a relationship. So don't fall into that

1423
01:21:29,600 --> 01:21:36,160
Speaker 6: trap of being the overly empathetic black woman who ends

1424
01:21:36,240 --> 01:21:38,240
Speaker 6: up just being a therapist for.

1425
01:21:38,360 --> 01:21:42,439
Speaker 8: That person to get better and move on to somebody else.

1426
01:21:43,320 --> 01:21:49,800
Speaker 6: No, definitely, definitely with you, because they always they always

1427
01:21:49,840 --> 01:21:50,880
Speaker 6: believe they can do better.

1428
01:21:52,840 --> 01:21:57,040
Speaker 4: Yes, it's almost like if you've played that therapist's role,

1429
01:21:57,439 --> 01:21:59,800
Speaker 4: then you can't move forward because then they're like, oh,

1430
01:22:00,040 --> 01:22:02,000
Speaker 4: you fixed me, and then they go okay. But I

1431
01:22:02,120 --> 01:22:04,920
Speaker 4: kind actually be with you because you know all of that,

1432
01:22:05,200 --> 01:22:07,120
Speaker 4: then they kind of like have to move on. It's

1433
01:22:07,120 --> 01:22:11,160
Speaker 4: almost serendipity. They just have to go because it's like, yeah,

1434
01:22:11,200 --> 01:22:14,719
Speaker 4: they've seen you've seen all their layers to another another level.

1435
01:22:16,120 --> 01:22:18,439
Speaker 6: And I think a lot of us carry that burden

1436
01:22:19,360 --> 01:22:25,519
Speaker 6: without having the same energy from the other person when

1437
01:22:25,600 --> 01:22:29,519
Speaker 6: you have problems, when you have situations that are.

1438
01:22:29,479 --> 01:22:30,200
Speaker 3: Bringing you down.

1439
01:22:30,640 --> 01:22:34,519
Speaker 6: They're not your go to They're not that reliable shoulder

1440
01:22:34,600 --> 01:22:39,840
Speaker 6: to cry on. So I think I regret doing that

1441
01:22:40,120 --> 01:22:42,439
Speaker 6: a lot in my relationships in my twenties.

1442
01:22:42,600 --> 01:22:46,599
Speaker 3: In my early twenties, ye, we do give a lot

1443
01:22:46,800 --> 01:22:48,360
Speaker 3: for less, for much less.

1444
01:22:49,439 --> 01:22:51,800
Speaker 4: Okay, guys, before we go down a rabbit hole of

1445
01:22:53,120 --> 01:22:56,799
Speaker 4: I mean being dating in your dirties. There's some beautiful

1446
01:22:56,840 --> 01:23:00,719
Speaker 4: aspects of being single, because sometimes relationships can also cause

1447
01:23:00,760 --> 01:23:03,240
Speaker 4: their own stresses. What would you say for each of

1448
01:23:03,360 --> 01:23:05,960
Speaker 4: you when you ask single or I have been single?

1449
01:23:06,120 --> 01:23:09,200
Speaker 4: Has been one of the best aspects of that, Patty.

1450
01:23:11,240 --> 01:23:19,080
Speaker 3: Oh gosh, I think getting to know myself outside of

1451
01:23:19,120 --> 01:23:23,080
Speaker 3: her relationship. That's been the biggest thing. Because I was

1452
01:23:23,360 --> 01:23:26,400
Speaker 3: in a relationship with the majority of my twenties. I

1453
01:23:26,520 --> 01:23:29,719
Speaker 3: grew with that person, and I didn't know myself until

1454
01:23:29,760 --> 01:23:33,400
Speaker 3: I got out of it. So I've had so much

1455
01:23:33,560 --> 01:23:39,280
Speaker 3: time to reflect, to rebuild, to strengthen myself and prepare

1456
01:23:39,360 --> 01:23:44,080
Speaker 3: myself for the next person and hopefully my future husband,

1457
01:23:45,360 --> 01:23:49,000
Speaker 3: and to just be a whole person. That's yeah, that's

1458
01:23:49,040 --> 01:23:51,320
Speaker 3: been something that I just look at myself now and

1459
01:23:51,360 --> 01:23:53,960
Speaker 3: I'm like, wow, I'm in such a good space. I'm

1460
01:23:53,960 --> 01:23:57,960
Speaker 3: in a great headspace. I feel confident, I feel happy,

1461
01:23:58,120 --> 01:24:02,120
Speaker 3: I feel complete. I don't feel like there's something missing.

1462
01:24:02,320 --> 01:24:06,160
Speaker 3: It's more like I want to have someone by my

1463
01:24:06,360 --> 01:24:08,880
Speaker 3: side to do all the stuff with, live and do

1464
01:24:09,080 --> 01:24:13,200
Speaker 3: life with. But I'm in a really good space and

1465
01:24:13,280 --> 01:24:16,320
Speaker 3: I've had that time to just work on myself. So

1466
01:24:16,520 --> 01:24:20,280
Speaker 3: I have been, yeah, on this journey of singleness, and

1467
01:24:21,360 --> 01:24:24,280
Speaker 3: having that time to really work on myself and know

1468
01:24:24,400 --> 01:24:28,880
Speaker 3: who I am has been amazing. And yeah, that's that's

1469
01:24:28,920 --> 01:24:31,320
Speaker 3: the biggest thing that I've really had to take away

1470
01:24:31,360 --> 01:24:36,960
Speaker 3: from this journey. I'm like cheesy, I'm like beautiful.

1471
01:24:39,600 --> 01:24:39,840
Speaker 5: Yeah.

1472
01:24:40,040 --> 01:24:42,920
Speaker 2: I definitely echo everything that Patty was saying.

1473
01:24:42,960 --> 01:24:46,559
Speaker 7: I know we've talked a lot about the the troubles

1474
01:24:46,600 --> 01:24:50,240
Speaker 7: the challenges of dating, but honestly, like being single is

1475
01:24:50,479 --> 01:24:53,479
Speaker 7: so lit if you take advantage of it. So for me,

1476
01:24:53,800 --> 01:24:58,519
Speaker 7: it's autonomy ability, Like I'm contemplating, Oh, maybe I want

1477
01:24:58,560 --> 01:25:00,639
Speaker 7: to move to Botswana. Maybe I to spend a month

1478
01:25:00,720 --> 01:25:03,680
Speaker 7: in Ghana. Maybe, Like you can just decide to do

1479
01:25:03,800 --> 01:25:06,680
Speaker 7: that without even consulting anyone. So that is huge for

1480
01:25:06,800 --> 01:25:09,640
Speaker 7: me and time to be productive for me.

1481
01:25:10,200 --> 01:25:11,320
Speaker 2: I'm kicking goals.

1482
01:25:11,520 --> 01:25:15,000
Speaker 7: I'm building my own business, you know, and it's I

1483
01:25:15,200 --> 01:25:16,960
Speaker 7: don't think that I would be able to do that

1484
01:25:17,240 --> 01:25:20,759
Speaker 7: as efficiently with a partner because you have to apportion

1485
01:25:20,880 --> 01:25:23,960
Speaker 7: your time, like I pretty much work seven days a week,

1486
01:25:24,000 --> 01:25:27,120
Speaker 7: you know what I mean. And even maintaining my friendships

1487
01:25:27,240 --> 01:25:31,800
Speaker 7: is quite difficult. So that is also another aspect that

1488
01:25:31,920 --> 01:25:35,600
Speaker 7: makes dating hard for me, because the value proposition of

1489
01:25:35,680 --> 01:25:38,519
Speaker 7: being with someone has to outweigh the value I get

1490
01:25:38,600 --> 01:25:39,400
Speaker 7: from being single.

1491
01:25:40,960 --> 01:25:43,400
Speaker 3: I like that, love it, love it, love it, love

1492
01:25:43,439 --> 01:25:44,200
Speaker 3: it and new DD.

1493
01:25:46,120 --> 01:25:50,160
Speaker 6: So I'm one of those people who enjoy being single

1494
01:25:50,280 --> 01:25:54,400
Speaker 6: a lot as much as I am. I am in

1495
01:25:54,479 --> 01:25:57,080
Speaker 6: a relationship now, but I'm one of those people who

1496
01:25:57,240 --> 01:26:01,439
Speaker 6: just enjoy the single life. I enjoy the autonomy. I

1497
01:26:01,640 --> 01:26:05,679
Speaker 6: enjoy just living my life. I enjoy meeting new people

1498
01:26:06,160 --> 01:26:09,360
Speaker 6: and having an open mind. You know, when you're meeting

1499
01:26:09,479 --> 01:26:15,640
Speaker 6: new people. So for me, being single is such a

1500
01:26:15,760 --> 01:26:21,439
Speaker 6: good time to to to self reflect. It's a good

1501
01:26:21,520 --> 01:26:27,120
Speaker 6: time to test test yourself against the world, against what's

1502
01:26:27,200 --> 01:26:31,920
Speaker 6: out there. I love it when I'm single as much

1503
01:26:31,960 --> 01:26:38,800
Speaker 6: as I like being in a in a loving, healthy relationship. Yeah,

1504
01:26:39,600 --> 01:26:43,360
Speaker 6: for me, being single is it's always something I can

1505
01:26:43,479 --> 01:26:48,880
Speaker 6: easily go back to. I don't ever feel sad when

1506
01:26:48,920 --> 01:26:52,000
Speaker 6: I break up with somebody that I'm going to be

1507
01:26:52,200 --> 01:26:56,720
Speaker 6: single again, because I just I just live my life

1508
01:26:56,800 --> 01:26:57,240
Speaker 6: either way.

1509
01:26:58,640 --> 01:27:01,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that. Love love love love that.

1510
01:27:01,720 --> 01:27:04,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, because like even for me, I'm married, but like

1511
01:27:05,400 --> 01:27:07,320
Speaker 4: sometimes I think of my single days and I'm like,

1512
01:27:07,800 --> 01:27:10,439
Speaker 4: those are the best days of my life. Like it's

1513
01:27:10,720 --> 01:27:15,160
Speaker 4: so funny because that's so against the whole cultural, societal thing.

1514
01:27:15,439 --> 01:27:18,280
Speaker 4: And even though I'm happily married, I still remember, like Kicks,

1515
01:27:18,320 --> 01:27:20,519
Speaker 4: you said it yourself. When you want to go on holiday,

1516
01:27:20,600 --> 01:27:22,320
Speaker 4: you can literally just be like I'm packing my bag.

1517
01:27:22,400 --> 01:27:26,280
Speaker 4: You don't have to consider anyone. It almost sounds selfish,

1518
01:27:26,360 --> 01:27:29,080
Speaker 4: but that selfishness is actually needed for yourself to just

1519
01:27:29,240 --> 01:27:32,200
Speaker 4: live your life and you don't have to consider someone

1520
01:27:32,360 --> 01:27:34,720
Speaker 4: all the time. And sometimes it gets to be like

1521
01:27:34,920 --> 01:27:36,920
Speaker 4: a bit of pressure to just be like, okay, what

1522
01:27:37,000 --> 01:27:37,720
Speaker 4: does this person think?

1523
01:27:37,760 --> 01:27:39,040
Speaker 3: Okay? And also what do I think?

1524
01:27:39,160 --> 01:27:39,200
Speaker 1: Like?

1525
01:27:39,800 --> 01:27:43,439
Speaker 3: And I used to love just you know, just being you,

1526
01:27:43,960 --> 01:27:45,400
Speaker 3: just you and no label.

1527
01:27:45,800 --> 01:27:49,519
Speaker 5: I love how you ladies put it because there's such

1528
01:27:49,560 --> 01:27:54,719
Speaker 5: a misconception about being single, that all that women want

1529
01:27:55,120 --> 01:27:57,799
Speaker 5: is to be married and settled and find a partner.

1530
01:27:57,840 --> 01:28:01,000
Speaker 5: And it's like nah baby, also other things going on.

1531
01:28:01,160 --> 01:28:04,280
Speaker 5: We also want to vet and verify that we want

1532
01:28:04,320 --> 01:28:07,240
Speaker 5: to spend our lives with this person, Like we're not

1533
01:28:07,320 --> 01:28:09,720
Speaker 5: just sitting here like oh please, oh pick me, pick

1534
01:28:09,800 --> 01:28:13,200
Speaker 5: me please, you know, and it's like there's so much

1535
01:28:13,320 --> 01:28:16,920
Speaker 5: more to and we're not often afforded that liberty and

1536
01:28:17,040 --> 01:28:20,559
Speaker 5: luxury of being like we're just experiencing life and living life.

1537
01:28:20,760 --> 01:28:22,720
Speaker 5: So this is beautiful to you here, So thank you for.

1538
01:28:23,800 --> 01:28:25,320
Speaker 2: They must add not subtract.

1539
01:28:26,160 --> 01:28:32,479
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, yes, yes, come through bars hey dropping them

1540
01:28:33,160 --> 01:28:35,000
Speaker 5: dropping them bars. Yeah.

1541
01:28:35,600 --> 01:28:38,800
Speaker 4: Well that was really insightful for I hope all the

1542
01:28:38,920 --> 01:28:43,000
Speaker 4: listeners can glean something, can laugh along, can relate. You

1543
01:28:43,120 --> 01:28:45,879
Speaker 4: guys opened up yourselves to us, and we're very grateful.

1544
01:28:46,800 --> 01:28:48,360
Speaker 3: Rumby what any thoughts?

1545
01:28:49,320 --> 01:28:53,920
Speaker 5: I think this was just so necessary beautiful. I just

1546
01:28:54,160 --> 01:28:58,360
Speaker 5: love us as black women, Black African women. As you

1547
01:28:58,400 --> 01:29:01,679
Speaker 5: said Amanda earlier, we are dving and there's no one

1548
01:29:01,840 --> 01:29:04,439
Speaker 5: story but just sharing it. And I love that we

1549
01:29:04,560 --> 01:29:08,560
Speaker 5: can relate, we can understand, we can you know, have

1550
01:29:08,680 --> 01:29:13,439
Speaker 5: a conversation like this. And truly, I believe that dating

1551
01:29:13,479 --> 01:29:17,000
Speaker 5: in your thirties is beautiful because you know yourself, you

1552
01:29:17,120 --> 01:29:21,439
Speaker 5: kind of let go of those, you know, misconceptions about

1553
01:29:21,479 --> 01:29:23,560
Speaker 5: what you're supposed to be or what it's supposed to

1554
01:29:23,680 --> 01:29:27,800
Speaker 5: look like. You start living more for yourself and it's

1555
01:29:27,800 --> 01:29:30,320
Speaker 5: beautiful to see it, lady. So yeah, I think it's

1556
01:29:30,360 --> 01:29:33,599
Speaker 5: been such a treat chatting to you all, Amanda.

1557
01:29:33,680 --> 01:29:37,280
Speaker 3: What do you think? No, I agree with you completely.

1558
01:29:37,479 --> 01:29:40,960
Speaker 4: Thank you all for your time, and anyone who wants

1559
01:29:41,000 --> 01:29:43,400
Speaker 4: to get in contact with us, we will put all

1560
01:29:43,479 --> 01:29:47,679
Speaker 4: the links in the audio description. Keep tuning in, keep listening.

1561
01:29:48,040 --> 01:29:50,480
Speaker 4: This has been its led expectations.

1562
01:29:51,560 --> 01:29:52,280
Speaker 5: Thank you guys.

1563
01:29:52,479 --> 01:29:55,479
Speaker 3: Bye bye bye bye.

1564
01:30:00,600 --> 01:30:00,640
Speaker 6: The