1 00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:13,200 Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers me out. Welcome 3 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: to the Happy Families podcast. Every Tuesday. On the pod, 4 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:20,080 Speaker 1: I answer your questions about making your family happier. If 5 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: you would like to submit a question, please go to 6 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:25,560 Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot auclick on the link for 7 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:28,920 Speaker 1: the podcast page and then push the record button. It's 8 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,600 Speaker 1: easy to use. Make sure you know what you're going 9 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:33,160 Speaker 1: to say, and you could end up on the podcast. 10 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,479 Speaker 1: That's Happy Families dot com dot you and click on 11 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,400 Speaker 1: the podcast page if you would like to submit a 12 00:00:39,479 --> 00:00:41,519 Speaker 1: question like this one. 13 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,640 Speaker 2: Hi, Justin and Kylie. I love the podcast and really 14 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,319 Speaker 2: appreciate all your advice, and I'm hoping you can give 15 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,919 Speaker 2: me some advice on my current worry. I have two 16 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,360 Speaker 2: kids of my own, a three year old boy and 17 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,320 Speaker 2: a one year old girl. I also have two sisters 18 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,000 Speaker 2: who are my best friends. I want my kids to 19 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,040 Speaker 2: grow up to be best friends as well, but I 20 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 2: don't know how to facilitate it. Currently, the one year 21 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,919 Speaker 2: old loves the three year old and longs to play 22 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,880 Speaker 2: and engage, but the three year old is not a 23 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,680 Speaker 2: fan of his little sister, especially when she goes anywhere 24 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,120 Speaker 2: near him. I know it will be a long journey, 25 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:17,640 Speaker 2: But it sounds like your girls are best friends. What 26 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:19,920 Speaker 2: can I do to help build a good relationship between 27 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:20,720 Speaker 2: them from the get go? 28 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,560 Speaker 1: So I love this question, and I also I don't 29 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,640 Speaker 1: know if I love or am a little bit embarrassed 30 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,960 Speaker 1: by the fact that you'd think that my kids have 31 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 1: best friends. You know, sometimes they are sometimes sometimes they're 32 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:35,560 Speaker 1: really great, but sometimes they are not best friends at all. 33 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,520 Speaker 1: And I think this is the thing with sibling relationships. Okay, 34 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:41,120 Speaker 1: I love the question. Such a challenge. I mean, the 35 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,240 Speaker 1: best way to not have sibling conflict is to not 36 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:46,000 Speaker 1: have siblings. You've got two kids already, it's too late 37 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,280 Speaker 1: for that. The other thing that I always say is, 38 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:50,520 Speaker 1: I mean, we don't want the kids to fight. But 39 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,920 Speaker 1: let's be honest, if you're lucky enough to be in 40 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:56,400 Speaker 1: a partner or married relationship, this is a person that 41 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:59,080 Speaker 1: you swore you would cherish and love for your entire life, 42 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,160 Speaker 1: and sometimes you can't stay side of them. Well, hopefully 43 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:02,360 Speaker 1: it's not that bad, but you know what I mean, 44 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,960 Speaker 1: Sometimes you really do get on each other's nerves and 45 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,760 Speaker 1: you need some space. So if we can just be 46 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,920 Speaker 1: real about the fact that relationships rupture and repair and 47 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,320 Speaker 1: rupture and repair. And if we can keep in mind 48 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 1: that our central goal for our kids is to teach 49 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,880 Speaker 1: them to repair well, to really get that right, and 50 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:23,399 Speaker 1: to minimize the ruptures in their relationship, I think that's 51 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,519 Speaker 1: a really great standard to work towards, and it's also 52 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:30,560 Speaker 1: fairly realistic, because relationships are tricky. Regardless of that, let's 53 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,440 Speaker 1: talk about this, okay. From a statistical and research point 54 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,240 Speaker 1: of view, the majority of kids around the world have 55 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:39,480 Speaker 1: at least one sibling, and this is a particularly unique relationship. 56 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 1: It's the one that is likely to last longer than 57 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 1: any other relationship that we have in our lives. It's 58 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,799 Speaker 1: longer than the relationship that we have with our parents. 59 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,760 Speaker 1: They pass ononhe where in our I don't know, fifty 60 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,080 Speaker 1: sixty seventies. It's longer than the relationship that we have 61 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,520 Speaker 1: with our kids for the same reason we pass on 62 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,520 Speaker 1: when there's a twenty or thirty year gap between us, 63 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,520 Speaker 1: whatever it might be. But our siblings, we've kind of 64 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:02,120 Speaker 1: got them from the time we or they are born 65 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,680 Speaker 1: right through to the very very end of our lives. 66 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:09,800 Speaker 1: Longest lasting relationship of our lives and obviously therefore have 67 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:15,760 Speaker 1: the potential to plan an integral part in our families. Yet, 68 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,720 Speaker 1: and this is what's curious to me, it's a tricky 69 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:22,040 Speaker 1: thing to study. Compared to the abundance of studies that 70 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:26,200 Speaker 1: we have on parent child relationships and peer relationships, there's 71 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:29,400 Speaker 1: a fairly small amount of research devoted to the role 72 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 1: of siblings and how we develop. So here's what we 73 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 1: know in early childhood. There are four main characteristics of 74 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:42,400 Speaker 1: sibling relationships that are, let's use the word prominent. First, 75 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:47,800 Speaker 1: sibling relationships are emotionally charged, and they're defined by really strong, 76 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 1: uninhibited emotions of both positive and negative and sometimes ambivalent quality. Now, 77 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,360 Speaker 1: a lot of this comes down to neurological development. The 78 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 1: more neurological development you've got, the better you can regulate 79 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:02,920 Speaker 1: your emotion and your behaviors, and therefore the less likely 80 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 1: it is that you're going to have emotionally charged relationships 81 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,400 Speaker 1: when you're little growing up with somebody, of course, there's 82 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,600 Speaker 1: going to be explosiveness, and there's also going to be 83 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:17,320 Speaker 1: extreme delight. Second thing, sibling relationships are often characterized by intimacy, 84 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:22,920 Speaker 1: a beautiful, delightful, innocent precious intimacy. Because kids get to 85 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,880 Speaker 1: spend a lot of time together, they get to know 86 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:30,000 Speaker 1: one another really well. And this is a beautiful intimate 87 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:33,840 Speaker 1: knowledge that translates into all kinds of opportunities providing emotional 88 00:04:33,839 --> 00:04:38,680 Speaker 1: and instrumental support for one another. And also for just 89 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:42,000 Speaker 1: that time and that intimacy, it means lots of time 90 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,720 Speaker 1: for pretend play, and lots of time for conflict, and 91 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,920 Speaker 1: lots of time for learning how to understand another person's 92 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,159 Speaker 1: point of view or their thoughts or their feelings, lots 93 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 1: of time to just have fun. The third major characteristic 94 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:58,480 Speaker 1: of sibling relationships during childhood is that they are characterized 95 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:03,480 Speaker 1: by large individual differences in the quality of relationships that 96 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,400 Speaker 1: kids have with one another. Fourth, and finally, the age 97 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:12,200 Speaker 1: difference between siblings is a source of fascination for me. 98 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,560 Speaker 1: Got issues of power, issues of control, issues of rivalry 99 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 1: and jealousy, all sorts of contention that kids can get 100 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:23,960 Speaker 1: involved in together, but also lots of positive complementary exchanges 101 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:27,320 Speaker 1: like teaching or helping or caregiving and pro social behavior. 102 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,960 Speaker 1: The age of one child to another has a big 103 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 1: bearing on this, and it seems that bigger gaps lead 104 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:38,479 Speaker 1: to more pro social behavior, and smaller gaps can often 105 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,440 Speaker 1: lead to more conflict. There's more competition for resources, there's 106 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,719 Speaker 1: less neurological development, it's harder for them to communicate. Well, 107 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 1: all that kind of thing. But I'd say, broadly speaking, 108 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,760 Speaker 1: the characteristics of sibling relationships mean that we as parents 109 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:54,120 Speaker 1: have a lot to worry about because it can be 110 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 1: so emotional and it can be so highly charged. Okay, 111 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,320 Speaker 1: So with that said, let's just bear this in mind. 112 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,880 Speaker 1: Most children, based on the research that I've discovered, are 113 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:10,120 Speaker 1: positive and really eager to help their siblings, especially when 114 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:15,599 Speaker 1: they're the older sibling caring for a younger sibling. By 115 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:21,039 Speaker 1: early childhood. The data that I've found indicates that siblings 116 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:26,120 Speaker 1: have more positive and friendly interactions, which outweighs any negative interactions, 117 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: but they are still going to occur. What we've got 118 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:33,640 Speaker 1: with siblings is wonderful opportunities for moral and emotional and 119 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:37,560 Speaker 1: social and cognitive development, and the opportunity to inject themselves 120 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:40,919 Speaker 1: into the worlds of somebody else's social and emotional and 121 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,080 Speaker 1: moral and cognitive development world Like, it's just it's so 122 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 1: good for them. So where do we go with this? 123 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 1: If we want our kids to really like each other. 124 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:54,279 Speaker 1: Let's talk about this particularly important area of research. There's 125 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,520 Speaker 1: not much there, but from what I have found, there 126 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,920 Speaker 1: is some evidence that there are better and worse ways 127 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:06,160 Speaker 1: for parents to intervene when kids disagree. Because sibling conflicts 128 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 1: are reasonably frequent, because they're usually poorly resolved, and because 129 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 1: they can sometimes be highly aggressive, parents will often be 130 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:18,760 Speaker 1: really emotional. They'll employ harsh and punitive discipline, and this, 131 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:22,680 Speaker 1: according to research, is associated with more conflict between siblings 132 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 1: and less friendly interactions even before the child, the younger 133 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:31,400 Speaker 1: child in the pair is even one year of age. 134 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:35,440 Speaker 1: So essentially, when we jump in and we're coercive, when 135 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 1: we're aggressive, when we're punitive, it teaches the kids exactly 136 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:44,560 Speaker 1: that coercive and frequent sibling conflict or even bullying in 137 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 1: the family in childhood understandably and unsurprisingly is associated with 138 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 1: poorer adjustment both as kids and also later in life. 139 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:58,720 Speaker 1: We know that this is going to be a really 140 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:02,520 Speaker 1: big problem, particularly when sibling warmth is absent, and so 141 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,440 Speaker 1: we just want to help our kids to love each other. So, 142 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 1: based on these findings, here's what I'd be recommending parents. 143 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,480 Speaker 1: If you can step in in a loving and kind way, 144 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,280 Speaker 1: if you can mediate gently where you have to, and 145 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:19,360 Speaker 1: then structure the negotiation process so the kids are resolving 146 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:23,960 Speaker 1: things primarily with their own solutions, but with your gentle guidance, 147 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:28,000 Speaker 1: they're going to do better. In other words, explore, explain, empower, 148 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: Try not to intervene unless you have to. If you 149 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,320 Speaker 1: do have to intervene, intervene with explicit teaching where you 150 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:38,959 Speaker 1: need to, but to the extent that you can stay 151 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,439 Speaker 1: out of the way or highlight that there's a problem 152 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:45,120 Speaker 1: and help them guide them to solve themselves in pro 153 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 1: social ways. Lastly, i'd say this be a model. Just 154 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,160 Speaker 1: be a model, Be a genuinely good person. Kids will 155 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:54,800 Speaker 1: learn those characteristics from you, love and patience and kindness 156 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 1: and generosity, good luck. There's no way that you're going 157 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,200 Speaker 1: to stamp out the sibling rivalry. It will exist, what 158 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,160 Speaker 1: especially with a three year old and one year old. 159 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: But these skills can be learned, kids can learn to 160 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,760 Speaker 1: be pro social. And I think that our second question 161 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 1: about emotion regulation will probably be helpful here as well. 162 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,199 Speaker 1: Let's take a look at question number two. 163 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:25,160 Speaker 3: Hi justin. My name's Rachel and I'm from perth wa 164 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:29,920 Speaker 3: I just wanted some advice regarding my eleven year old son. Lately, 165 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:34,840 Speaker 3: he's just been crying a lot and unable to control 166 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:40,160 Speaker 3: his feelings. Mainly happens at school if the teacher asks 167 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,800 Speaker 3: him a question and he's not sure of the answer, 168 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:47,319 Speaker 3: he'll just burst into tears. At sport events, if things 169 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:50,880 Speaker 3: don't go as well as he'd hoped, he'll just start crying. 170 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:55,760 Speaker 3: A few weeks ago, he was involved in an engineering 171 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:59,720 Speaker 3: competition with three other boys from school and things didn't 172 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:03,040 Speaker 3: go as planned, and towards the end, he just became 173 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:08,120 Speaker 3: overwhelmed and just started crying uncontrollably. We always tell our 174 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:12,200 Speaker 3: children that it's okay to feel angry or scared or 175 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,280 Speaker 3: upset and to voice those feelings, but now that he 176 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:19,280 Speaker 3: is eleven and getting older, I'm just worried that in 177 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:23,480 Speaker 3: school situations he might start to get bullied or teased 178 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,560 Speaker 3: because he's crying so much. And I just wanted some 179 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,880 Speaker 3: advice that we could give him to try and control 180 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:33,840 Speaker 3: his feelings at school so he's not crying every day. 181 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:38,160 Speaker 1: Thanks Okay, Rachel from Perth. I think this is more 182 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:41,520 Speaker 1: of a youth thing than a him thing. He will 183 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:45,040 Speaker 1: figure this out for himself and make it work generally 184 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,480 Speaker 1: is probably the way that I'd be approaching this. Stay 185 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:49,920 Speaker 1: out of the way and let him work it out. 186 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:54,679 Speaker 1: Emotions are an essential part of human functioning. We're trying 187 00:10:54,679 --> 00:10:57,000 Speaker 1: to help our emotions to be adaptive. They are just 188 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,800 Speaker 1: passing on information to us that give us information about 189 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:04,760 Speaker 1: about the environment, about the people who are entering our orbit, 190 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:08,600 Speaker 1: and they predispose us to act accordingly. A research on 191 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:14,000 Speaker 1: emotional variables and specifically emotional regulation is one of the 192 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 1: fastest growing areas of psychological research and has been for 193 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 1: the last twenty years or so. This really is a 194 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:24,720 Speaker 1: booming area of research. Your eleven year old son is 195 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,440 Speaker 1: struggling to regulate his emotions, so let's get clear on 196 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,800 Speaker 1: what emotional regulation is. A research by the name of 197 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 1: Thompson defines emotional regulation this way, and I'm quoting here 198 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:40,520 Speaker 1: the external and internal processes responsible for monitoring, evaluating, and 199 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:45,200 Speaker 1: modifying our emotional reactions to meet our goals. So let's 200 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,960 Speaker 1: put this in the context your eleven year old son. 201 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,600 Speaker 1: He's got a goal. He wants to appear competent. He 202 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,720 Speaker 1: wants to do well, whether it's an activity or whether 203 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:55,000 Speaker 1: it's a sport. He's involved in, or it's an exam 204 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 1: or whatever it might be. He's got this goal he's 205 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: trying to meet. If something happens and it's external to him, 206 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,640 Speaker 1: or perhaps it's going on inside him and he's monitoring it, 207 00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: he's evaluating it, and then he's modifying his behavior accordingly 208 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,040 Speaker 1: because he believes that doing what he's doing is going 209 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,880 Speaker 1: to move him in the direction of his goals. Now, 210 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: as he gets older and more neurologically mature, he's going 211 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 1: to realize that some of these things are more adaptive 212 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,000 Speaker 1: and some of them are less adaptive. But basically, this 213 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 1: whole idea of emotional regulation is can I express or 214 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:34,280 Speaker 1: contain my emotions appropriately for the situation so that I 215 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:39,559 Speaker 1: can achieve my goals in a socially appropriate way. Now, 216 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 1: at the moment, you're feeling that it's not socially appropriate, 217 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,160 Speaker 1: and as eleven year old, it's probably not consistent with 218 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,840 Speaker 1: the norm. So here's what I want to highlight in 219 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,200 Speaker 1: terms of what norms are. If we look at age 220 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:54,480 Speaker 1: and emotional regulation, studies seem to show that during childhood 221 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:58,839 Speaker 1: and adolescence, the acquisition of those skills to modulate those 222 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:03,160 Speaker 1: emotional responses is really closely related to the neurobiological maturation 223 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,320 Speaker 1: that our children are going through, so we see it 224 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 1: begin to really develop and take off from about the 225 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:11,440 Speaker 1: age of three and by nine ish. Most researchers would 226 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,120 Speaker 1: agree that the majority of kids are doing okay with 227 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:18,080 Speaker 1: their emotional regulation most of the time. That is, they're 228 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:22,800 Speaker 1: expressing or containing emotions in a socially appropriate way in 229 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:25,640 Speaker 1: the pursuit of their goals. But there are big differences 230 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:30,880 Speaker 1: between girls and boys. Essentially, expression of emotions in boys 231 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:35,160 Speaker 1: much more likely to be externalizing, girls much more likely 232 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,960 Speaker 1: to internalize those emotions. There was a twenty thirteen meta 233 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:42,200 Speaker 1: analysis by a couple of researchers, Chaplain and al Dao 234 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:48,080 Speaker 1: who found that there were significant, enduring, small differences in 235 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:53,600 Speaker 1: gender roles in the expression of emotions. So girls tend 236 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:59,640 Speaker 1: to express more positive emotions and more negative internalizing emotions 237 00:13:59,679 --> 00:14:04,920 Speaker 1: likeness and anxiety. Boys they express more externalizing emotions like anger. 238 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,080 Speaker 1: And that's what we're seeing with your son. So let's 239 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,079 Speaker 1: have a look at some maladaptive strategies for dealing with 240 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 1: big emotions. We've got giving up, that is, I don't 241 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:15,880 Speaker 1: want to do anything anymore. We've got withdraw I'm just 242 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 1: going to hide out in my bedroom. I don't want 243 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,760 Speaker 1: to see anyone. There's rumination where they just keep on 244 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,520 Speaker 1: thinking about it, can't get it out of their head. 245 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: Self devaluation. It's my fault. I'm an idiot, I'm a loser. 246 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,000 Speaker 1: And aggressive actions. I'm going to fight you. I'm going 247 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,360 Speaker 1: to blow up about this. I've had enough. So those 248 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,800 Speaker 1: are all maladaptive strategies, and that's what I'm hearing from 249 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,400 Speaker 1: your son. What I'm wanting you to do is have 250 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,000 Speaker 1: some conversations with him about adaptive strategies. Let me give 251 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,920 Speaker 1: you six or seven adaptive strategies. Just one line is 252 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 1: for each. So the first one is if we can 253 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,320 Speaker 1: move away from the emotion focused coping and move into 254 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:52,480 Speaker 1: what's called problem focus coping, we start to make progress. 255 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,880 Speaker 1: So a problem solving approach would be something like, if 256 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 1: I'm angry, I'm going to try and change what it 257 00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: is that's making me angry. I'm going to do something 258 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,600 Speaker 1: differently to move my environment or do something so that 259 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:07,000 Speaker 1: I can adapt effectively to the thing that's driving me nuts. 260 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: There's distraction, so I'm feeling like this, I'm going to 261 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: go and do something fun. Ideally, we need to be 262 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 1: careful with boys. They tend to seek out risk or 263 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,640 Speaker 1: sensation when they want distraction. We want something that's healthy 264 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,320 Speaker 1: and safe if they're going to do something fun. Another 265 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:26,240 Speaker 1: adaptive strategy is forgetting or I guess acceptance with an 266 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,800 Speaker 1: acknowledgment that it's going to pass, or accepting that this 267 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,520 Speaker 1: thing is making me angry. So both forgetting and acceptance 268 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,360 Speaker 1: can be helpful. Humor enhancement think about things that make 269 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,640 Speaker 1: you happy. Cognitive problem solving, think about what you can do, 270 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:43,320 Speaker 1: and revaluation, telling yourself that it's not really that important, 271 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:48,120 Speaker 1: getting some perspective around it. Those are adaptive coping strategies. 272 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,440 Speaker 1: You might want to sort of press rewine, grab a 273 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:52,840 Speaker 1: pen and paper and drop them down. I'll actually have 274 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 1: my team put this into the show notes for you 275 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,440 Speaker 1: because I think that you'll find that really really helpful. Fundamentally, 276 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,360 Speaker 1: what I want you to do is have a conversation 277 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 1: with your son about the different strategies and ask him 278 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 1: which ones feel good to try. And then your job 279 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: is just to be a gentle support wherever you can. Now, 280 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,120 Speaker 1: because this is mainly happening at school, it's a bit tricky. 281 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,880 Speaker 1: You probably want to role play things a little bit, 282 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,440 Speaker 1: work things through with him, and let him have a go. 283 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 1: But the one thing that I'm reminded of as I 284 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:25,160 Speaker 1: listened to this particular scenario is something that Lisa to 285 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 1: Moore said to me when we were recording a podcast, 286 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,480 Speaker 1: maybe about a year ago now. Lisa to Moore is 287 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:35,880 Speaker 1: one of America's most loved and trusted child and adolescent psychologists, 288 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,960 Speaker 1: and she said this. She said, emotions belong on your 289 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:43,320 Speaker 1: cognitive board of directors, but they don't share the board. 290 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,200 Speaker 1: What I think she's really getting at here is that 291 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:52,920 Speaker 1: if you've got a range of inputs that are magnifying 292 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:57,000 Speaker 1: or amplifying emotions, you need to pay attention to that. However, 293 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 1: you've got to be able to switch that emotion center 294 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,240 Speaker 1: of the brain down so that the planning strategy center 295 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,680 Speaker 1: of your brain, what we call the prefrontal cortex, can 296 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,600 Speaker 1: take over and make the decisions. That's what should be 297 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,800 Speaker 1: chairing the board. And when you've got an eleven year old, 298 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:17,000 Speaker 1: eleven year old boy, lack of neurological maturation, lack of inhibition, 299 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:19,399 Speaker 1: lack of regulation means that there might have been a 300 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:23,000 Speaker 1: hostile takeover here. It's time to restore some order. Ah. 301 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,600 Speaker 1: So please remember, sometimes kids are going to regulate their 302 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,679 Speaker 1: emotions by expressing them. We don't need to manage every emotion. 303 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:31,120 Speaker 1: We don't need to stamp every emotion out. We don't 304 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,840 Speaker 1: need to help them to control their emotions all the time. 305 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,159 Speaker 1: But we also don't need to elevate their emotions and 306 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,800 Speaker 1: make them king. Sometimes it's just fine to let the 307 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,880 Speaker 1: kids have their emotion. It's like that train going into 308 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,480 Speaker 1: a tunnel. Some tunnels are long and dark and deep, 309 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,120 Speaker 1: but guess what, the train always comes out the other end. 310 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:53,760 Speaker 1: It will calm down. Other than that, what I'm going 311 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,359 Speaker 1: to suggest is that you're help them to practice some 312 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:59,479 Speaker 1: basic skills that can improve what we'd call his vagual tone. 313 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,480 Speaker 1: Vague theory of polyvagel theory essentially says that if you 314 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,800 Speaker 1: can have a really nice, high vagueal tone, that you're 315 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,000 Speaker 1: going to be well regulated. The way you do that 316 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,040 Speaker 1: is with nature and with cold water, and with deep 317 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:15,479 Speaker 1: breathing and with support seeking. Through doing those things, your 318 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,960 Speaker 1: son will develop frustration tolerance and he'll get better. He'll 319 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,440 Speaker 1: become more patient. But I think really this is about time. 320 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,800 Speaker 1: This is about you being patient, helping him to develop 321 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:28,560 Speaker 1: some skills. He's only eleven. He'll get better at it 322 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,159 Speaker 1: as time goes on, especially with you being a great model. 323 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,520 Speaker 1: Good luck. That's all we've got time for today. If 324 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,359 Speaker 1: you would like to submit a question, I'll do my 325 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,720 Speaker 1: best to answer it. Just jump onto happy families dot 326 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,600 Speaker 1: com dot au. That's happy families dot com dot au. 327 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 1: Click on the podcast's link and then push the record button. 328 00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 1: It's that simple, easy to use. If you'd like more information, 329 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,280 Speaker 1: you can visit us at happy families dot com dot au.