1 00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:07,159 Speaker 1: Here's a question for you. What if the real obstacle, 2 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:10,720 Speaker 1: the one sitting behind every goal you haven't reached, every 3 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:13,200 Speaker 1: pattern you can't seem to break, every ceiling you keep 4 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:17,759 Speaker 1: bumping up against. Isn't your effort, or your discipline, or 5 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,000 Speaker 1: your circumstances. 6 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:22,120 Speaker 2: What if the real obstacle is your belief? 7 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:26,759 Speaker 1: Near El spent six years researching and writing his brand 8 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:30,960 Speaker 1: new book, Beyond Belief, diving deep into the neuroscience and 9 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:34,920 Speaker 1: psychology of how our hidden assumptions shape what we see, 10 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:38,000 Speaker 1: what we attempt, and what we think we're capable of. 11 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:42,360 Speaker 1: Near is a behavioral scientist, former Stanford lecturer, and the 12 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 1: best selling author of Hooked and Indestructible, and he brings 13 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:52,440 Speaker 1: that same science backed rigger here. I genuinely couldn't put 14 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,720 Speaker 1: Beyond Belief down. I devourt it over a week and 15 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 1: immediately started making a mental list of everyone I was 16 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,800 Speaker 1: going to gift it to. Which is the highest compliment 17 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:02,800 Speaker 1: I know how to give? 18 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,559 Speaker 2: Now? When I spoke to Nia all about the power 19 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:07,520 Speaker 2: of beliefs. 20 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,480 Speaker 1: And how to change them, there was just too much 21 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,119 Speaker 1: gold to cut from our chat into just one thirty 22 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,039 Speaker 1: minute episode. 23 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 2: So what you're going to listen to. Today is part one. 24 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:20,039 Speaker 1: And next week we will be back with part two 25 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:24,360 Speaker 1: of our chat. In today's part one episode, we get 26 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:29,959 Speaker 1: into why rumination feels productive but really isn't, why venting 27 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 1: actually makes things worse, and a tool called a reality 28 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,520 Speaker 1: log that I think you are going to want to 29 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 1: start using immediately. Welcome to How I Work, a show 30 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,480 Speaker 1: about habits, rituals, and strategies. 31 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 3: For optimizing your day. 32 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 1: I'm your host, Doctor Amantha imber. 33 00:01:58,440 --> 00:01:58,680 Speaker 2: Nia. 34 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:03,000 Speaker 1: Can I just say I absolutely loved, loved, love, love, 35 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 1: love loved Beyond Belief. I devoured it over the weekend, 36 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:11,040 Speaker 1: and I like it's the kind of book that I've 37 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,400 Speaker 1: already made a mental list of everyone that I'm going 38 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,959 Speaker 1: to gift it to. So firstly, thank you for writing 39 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,840 Speaker 1: such an amazing and impactful book. 40 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:19,760 Speaker 3: I appreciate that. That means a lot to me. Thank 41 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 3: you so much. It was six years of work, so 42 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,720 Speaker 3: in many many revisions, so I appreciate that, and I 43 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:26,920 Speaker 3: really hope that that people enjoy it and learn from 44 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,720 Speaker 3: it as much as I did. Oh amazing. 45 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,360 Speaker 1: Okay, Now I want to start off by actually talking 46 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,600 Speaker 1: about what is a belief, because how is it different 47 00:02:34,639 --> 00:02:36,040 Speaker 1: from just like having faith? 48 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:36,760 Speaker 2: In something. 49 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it's a great question. And I'm kind of 50 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,799 Speaker 3: a word nerd, so I like to kind of start 51 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,040 Speaker 3: with what are we what are we talking about here? 52 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:43,320 Speaker 3: What are we defining here? And I think it's really 53 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:47,120 Speaker 3: important to understand the difference between what we call a fact, faith, 54 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:50,720 Speaker 3: and belief. A fact is an objective truth, something that 55 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,880 Speaker 3: is true, whether you believe in it or not. So 56 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 3: the world is more like a sphere than it is flat. Sorry, 57 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,440 Speaker 3: flat earthers, that's just a fact. It doesn't care what 58 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,880 Speaker 3: you think. Now. On the other end of the spectrum 59 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:04,079 Speaker 3: is faith. Faith is a conviction that does not require evidence. 60 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,920 Speaker 3: So what you might believe happens in the afterlife, what 61 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,760 Speaker 3: you might think the God rewards the righteous. That's faith 62 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,240 Speaker 3: that no evidence is required for a statement like that. Now, 63 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,320 Speaker 3: a belief is somewhere in between. A belief is not fact, 64 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,480 Speaker 3: a belief is not faith. A belief is a conviction 65 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,920 Speaker 3: that is open to revision based on new evidence. And 66 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 3: the power of beliefs is that they can change, can 67 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 3: change facts. Faith doesn't require evidence. Beliefs can change. And 68 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 3: so the big takeaway for me in writing Beyond Belief 69 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:37,760 Speaker 3: was to realize for the first time that beliefs are tools, 70 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,920 Speaker 3: not truths. And I think most of our problems in 71 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 3: the world, whether it's personal problem, interpersonal problem, relationship problems, geopolitics, problems, 72 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,680 Speaker 3: comes from the fact that far too many people hold 73 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,040 Speaker 3: their faith as a fact and don't realize the many 74 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:53,320 Speaker 3: things I think. They think our facts are nothing more 75 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,760 Speaker 3: than beliefs. And so when we develop the intellectual humility 76 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,400 Speaker 3: to realize that most of our decisions in life, most 77 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 3: of the important things, the things that really matter, come 78 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:06,160 Speaker 3: down to beliefs. Should I marry this person, should I 79 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,280 Speaker 3: take this job, Should I move to this city, Should 80 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 3: I buy this thing? This is in fact or faith. 81 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:14,080 Speaker 3: It's belief. It's open to revision based on new evidence. 82 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,760 Speaker 3: But when we close ourselves off to new evidence and 83 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,560 Speaker 3: we think that something is a fact or faith, that's 84 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,240 Speaker 3: when we get into trouble. So we want to stay 85 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 3: as much as we possibly can in that zone of 86 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:26,560 Speaker 3: beliefs because beliefs, if they are so important for most 87 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 3: of the decisions in our life, we better get these 88 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,760 Speaker 3: beliefs right. And so just to subdivide beliefs, we can 89 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:36,200 Speaker 3: subdivide these beliefs into limiting beliefs, things that reduce motivation 90 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:42,159 Speaker 3: and increase suffering, and liberating beliefs beliefs that increase motivation 91 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,240 Speaker 3: and reduce suffering. And so we want to evaluate for 92 00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:47,919 Speaker 3: ourselves which one of our beliefs are these limiting beliefs, 93 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 3: do away with the limiting beliefs, and adopt as much 94 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,480 Speaker 3: as we can these liberating beliefs. The problem is, of 95 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:56,680 Speaker 3: course they're hidden. That's the tricky part. It sounds good 96 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,440 Speaker 3: in theory, and this is why I object to a 97 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,680 Speaker 3: lot of the positive thinking and kind of magical thinking 98 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 3: nonsense out there that is not backed by science, and 99 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,880 Speaker 3: that some of it can be actively harmful because it 100 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,560 Speaker 3: kind of gives people the impression of just believe, right, 101 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,839 Speaker 3: just believe and everything will be fine. Well, where is 102 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,240 Speaker 3: this magic button? Like, how do I turn that on? 103 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,880 Speaker 3: It turns out that there's a real science to figuring 104 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,480 Speaker 3: out what your limiting beliefs are, how to liberate yourself 105 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 3: from those limiting beliefs and adopt these beliefs that help 106 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,719 Speaker 3: you flourish and be your best self. Amazing. 107 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:28,040 Speaker 1: I want to dive into a whole number of these 108 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:31,200 Speaker 1: types of beliefs. And one of the parts of the 109 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:34,839 Speaker 1: book that I thought was so interesting was around rumination. 110 00:05:35,279 --> 00:05:38,960 Speaker 1: I am someone that ruminates. I catastrophize. 111 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 2: I know that this is not helpful. 112 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,720 Speaker 3: Welcome to the club, we are distinguished members. 113 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:48,960 Speaker 1: My friend tell me, why is rumination just so insidious? 114 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,800 Speaker 3: Yeah, well, the reason it's so tricky is that it 115 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,760 Speaker 3: feels productive. It feels like you're problem solving. It feels 116 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 3: like you're working on coming up with an answer to 117 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,240 Speaker 3: to whatever is troubling you. But that's very different. Problem 118 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,240 Speaker 3: solving is not necessarily rumination, and that the toxic part 119 00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:08,440 Speaker 3: of rumination is that two things. One, it's very distracting 120 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 3: that it's something that crowds out your real life because 121 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,600 Speaker 3: you're worried about something, you're ruminating about something. Or rumination 122 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,360 Speaker 3: comes from this term like a cow does whether it's cut, 123 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,920 Speaker 3: it's choose and choose and choose. It ruminates on its 124 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,159 Speaker 3: food and that's all it does all day, and so 125 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,760 Speaker 3: it takes you away from real life. That's one problem 126 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,479 Speaker 3: with rumination. The other big problem with rumination is that 127 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 3: without an outlet, without some kind of solution, you're reinforcing 128 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,640 Speaker 3: what you already believe. So when you ruminate on I 129 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,080 Speaker 3: gave that presentation and I bombed I'm so bad at 130 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,760 Speaker 3: public speaking. I'm so bad at this, or you know 131 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,599 Speaker 3: I have ADHD for example, Ah, I'm so distractable, and 132 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 3: this is why I keep getting distracted. And this is 133 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:47,520 Speaker 3: my stupid ADHD. And I keep no, no, no, I keep 134 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,720 Speaker 3: ruminating and ruminating, ruminate. I'm doing nothing but reinforcing the 135 00:06:50,839 --> 00:06:54,000 Speaker 3: very limiting belief that's keeping me down. Rumination can be 136 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 3: a very big problem, really distract us from really matters 137 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,240 Speaker 3: in life, as well as reinforce the very beliefs we're 138 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,159 Speaker 3: trying to escape. 139 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:03,360 Speaker 1: So what are your go through strategies when you find 140 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:07,200 Speaker 1: yourself ruminating? What do you do to get yourself almost 141 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:08,320 Speaker 1: out of that mental loop? 142 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 3: This is a surprising insight when I looked at the 143 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,280 Speaker 3: research literature on so I'm very science packed, right. Everything 144 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 3: I'm going to tell you is not just something that 145 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,200 Speaker 3: works for me, but also that we can find actual 146 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,080 Speaker 3: studies on that show what are effective strategies. Here. There's 147 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:23,320 Speaker 3: over thirty pages of citations to peer reviewed studies. So 148 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 3: I'll tell you one technique that I use every day 149 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,600 Speaker 3: for managing my own rumination, which sounds crazy but really 150 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:35,960 Speaker 3: does work. Scheduling worry time actually scheduling time to worry. Now, 151 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:39,200 Speaker 3: why does this work? Number One, it releases your brain 152 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,000 Speaker 3: from having to constantly think about when can I think 153 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:45,400 Speaker 3: about So what happens is when something's on your mind, 154 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:47,400 Speaker 3: the brain thinks, well, I have to think about this 155 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:48,920 Speaker 3: because when else am I going to have a chance 156 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,400 Speaker 3: to chew on this? Right? When am I going to 157 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 3: have a chance to solve this problem? So it's doing 158 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 3: it all the time. So when you schedule worry time, 159 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,880 Speaker 3: your brain can take a break and say, Okay, I'm 160 00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:59,600 Speaker 3: not going to worry about this right now, I have 161 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,640 Speaker 3: time in my schedule seven pm. I'm going to sit 162 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,240 Speaker 3: down with this for forty five minutes and I'm gonna worry. 163 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,360 Speaker 3: That's going to be my time to think about this. 164 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,960 Speaker 3: And it turns out that that actually can relieve the 165 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 3: brain from having to constantly bring up these questions and 166 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:16,040 Speaker 3: try and problem solve on the fly. It's an appointment 167 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:19,120 Speaker 3: with myself to digest this issue, to finally work through 168 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,400 Speaker 3: it with a pen and paper and actually sit down, 169 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 3: write down my thoughts and do a structured exercise around 170 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:26,360 Speaker 3: how to solve this problem. It's much much healthier than 171 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 3: carrying around all day long. Here's the kicker. Here's the 172 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:32,800 Speaker 3: second really big reason that scheduling that time is so effective, 173 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,760 Speaker 3: is that nine times out of ten, when I tell myself, 174 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:38,160 Speaker 3: you know in the middle of the day, you know, 175 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,280 Speaker 3: I wake up in the morning and something is irritating 176 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 3: me or something happened to me and now I'm ruminating 177 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 3: on it. When I write that thing down and say, okay, 178 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,440 Speaker 3: I will schedule time to talk to think through this problem. 179 00:08:47,559 --> 00:08:50,640 Speaker 3: When I write that problem down, you know what happens 180 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,080 Speaker 3: nine times out of ten when I get back to 181 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:58,240 Speaker 3: that worry time. What was I worrying about again? What 182 00:08:58,280 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 3: was that thing that was bothering me? 183 00:08:59,320 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 1: Well? 184 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,439 Speaker 3: Why was I seeing so much mental energy on this thing? 185 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 3: Now there's something else that's worrying me, or that thing 186 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,560 Speaker 3: that was worrying me before it got resolved on its own. 187 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,800 Speaker 3: It just gives you that bit of space to know, Okay, 188 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,720 Speaker 3: one I can deal with later, and two it wasn't 189 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,040 Speaker 3: really worth worrying about. And you know, I would say 190 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,360 Speaker 3: fifty to ninety percent of a time, turns out it 191 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,880 Speaker 3: wasn't even worth worrying about the first place. 192 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 1: I love the idea of worry time. It's something that 193 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,720 Speaker 1: I've used intermittently in my life, and so often when 194 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,280 Speaker 1: I've done it, and I've actually stuck to doing that 195 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,839 Speaker 1: as a daily habit, I find when I come back 196 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:33,200 Speaker 1: to my worry time sort of you know, notes twenty 197 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,599 Speaker 1: four hours later, I'm like, oh, well, that problem's just resolved, right, so, 198 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,599 Speaker 1: and I can't believe it wasn't true. It can to 199 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,200 Speaker 1: waste time worrying about it now. Something else you write 200 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,679 Speaker 1: about in the book is a reality log. Can you 201 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,400 Speaker 1: explain the idea of a reality log and how that 202 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:50,160 Speaker 1: can help us around the problem of rumination? 203 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,320 Speaker 3: What we find is and then this goes into the 204 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,800 Speaker 3: three powers of belief That is kind of the structure 205 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,679 Speaker 3: of my research. That turns out that our beliefs have 206 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 3: three big powers over us. That beliefs change what we see. 207 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:04,560 Speaker 3: We call this the power of anticipation. Beliefs change what 208 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,840 Speaker 3: we feel. They change our internal state based on our 209 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,000 Speaker 3: predictions of the future. This is called anticipation. And they 210 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:13,560 Speaker 3: change what we do. This is called agency. So see, feel, 211 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 3: and do. And so when it comes to rumination and 212 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,600 Speaker 3: the power of changing what you see, we know that 213 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,080 Speaker 3: our beliefs literally change what we see. This is not 214 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,960 Speaker 3: figurative you know, we say that seeing is believing, but 215 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 3: just the opposite is actually true, That believing is seeing. 216 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 3: That based on what you believe, you literally change what 217 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,160 Speaker 3: you perceive, which is mind blowing. I mean, I can 218 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,600 Speaker 3: show you optical illusions, that I can show you an 219 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:43,200 Speaker 3: image and based on where you were born, one person 220 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,120 Speaker 3: might see rectangles, another person might see circles based on 221 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:49,040 Speaker 3: where they were born, based on their upbringing, same exact image. 222 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,120 Speaker 3: It is just mind blowing. So how does this refer 223 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,840 Speaker 3: to what we do with rumination? What do we do 224 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:57,280 Speaker 3: with this reality log? Part of the problem is that 225 00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:01,040 Speaker 3: our beliefs shape what we see and therefore reinforce this cycle. 226 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,760 Speaker 3: Our shape what we see, what we pay attention to, 227 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,040 Speaker 3: and then that reinforces our beliefs. We get into this 228 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,839 Speaker 3: loop where we constantly are not seeing reality and then 229 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:16,120 Speaker 3: reinforcing our skewed version of reality, and it becomes a 230 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,640 Speaker 3: calcified belief over time. And now we're completely into la 231 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,080 Speaker 3: la land where we really do not see reality as 232 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 3: it is. And this is something everybody does. None of 233 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:27,559 Speaker 3: us sees reality clearly, we can't. Our brains just can't 234 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:30,080 Speaker 3: handle the amount of information that we're trying to process, 235 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,240 Speaker 3: we have to create these predictions about reality. The problem 236 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,720 Speaker 3: is that for many of us, we are reinforcing these 237 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:39,839 Speaker 3: limiting beliefs. So a reality log is where we try 238 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:44,679 Speaker 3: and break this perceptual filter and try on new glasses, 239 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,200 Speaker 3: hopefully ones that are giving us a better, more accurate 240 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 3: perception of reality. So, for example, let's say you had 241 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,000 Speaker 3: a bad public speaking event, right, maybe you were called 242 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,400 Speaker 3: up in front of the board, or you had to 243 00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 3: give a presentation to your team and you bombed it. Well, 244 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:03,200 Speaker 3: that could be that you reinforce to yourself how you 245 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,080 Speaker 3: messed up, and you know, I'm no good at this, 246 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:06,760 Speaker 3: and this is why I should not do this again. 247 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,199 Speaker 3: And you're doing nothing but reinforcing that belief that you're 248 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:13,600 Speaker 3: bad at that thing, as opposed to a reality log, 249 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,720 Speaker 3: where you're not basing your perception on your memories, on 250 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:21,600 Speaker 3: your prior understanding, but rather proving it to yourself. And 251 00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:24,079 Speaker 3: what most people do when they keep these reality logs 252 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,079 Speaker 3: on something they're working on, where you're actually writing down 253 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,800 Speaker 3: you know what that interaction. I gave a talk for 254 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:31,320 Speaker 3: ten minutes, and you know what, nine minutes were pretty 255 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,600 Speaker 3: good and one minute I kind of was not so great. On, 256 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,679 Speaker 3: but now you're seeing in black and white what actually happened, 257 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,480 Speaker 3: and so keeping that change log, keeping that log of okay, 258 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,280 Speaker 3: what actually happened in reality is how we begin to 259 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,000 Speaker 3: reshape these beliefs to serve us rather than hurt us. 260 00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:47,840 Speaker 2: I love that. Now. 261 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:53,520 Speaker 1: Another unhelpful belief comes from when we vent. And I 262 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,839 Speaker 1: caught up with a friend for a coffee on the 263 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,720 Speaker 1: weekend and I walked away from that coffee and I thought, 264 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:02,200 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I reckon. I spent like twenty minutes 265 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:07,079 Speaker 1: venting about someone that I met at this conference where 266 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,080 Speaker 1: I felt like I had been a really generous person 267 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:14,320 Speaker 1: and I expected generosity in return, and then because of 268 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:18,160 Speaker 1: how you know, she then behaved after the event, I'm like, 269 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 1: hang on, I just feel like she. 270 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 3: Was using me. 271 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:24,120 Speaker 1: But I'd approached this situation with generosity, and I just 272 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,640 Speaker 1: went on a big vent. And when I read your book, 273 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 1: I'm like, I shouldn't have done that. 274 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,760 Speaker 2: Tell me why venting. 275 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 1: Feels so good, but it's not actually that helpful. 276 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:37,240 Speaker 2: Can you share why? 277 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:40,120 Speaker 3: Well, for the same reason that we reinforce our beliefs 278 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,520 Speaker 3: about what we see, we can also reinforce our beliefs 279 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,280 Speaker 3: of how we feel, and particularly around people, we do 280 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,280 Speaker 3: not see people clearly. Maybe we should back up and 281 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,080 Speaker 3: talk about a little bit of neuroscience real quick, just 282 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,440 Speaker 3: to kind of set the stage on why we do this. So, 283 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:55,360 Speaker 3: the brain is taking in eleven million bits of information 284 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 3: per second. Okay, eleven million bits of information per second 285 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:02,360 Speaker 3: is about the equivalent of reading war and peace every 286 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:06,480 Speaker 3: second twice. It's a tremendous amount of information. It's the 287 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:08,960 Speaker 3: light entering your eyes, it's the sound of my voice 288 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,440 Speaker 3: entering your ears, it's the ambient temperature of the room. 289 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:15,120 Speaker 3: Your body and brain are aware of these things, but 290 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,680 Speaker 3: it's not consciously processing them. You can't consciously listen to 291 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 3: my voice and do a math problem and register the 292 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,080 Speaker 3: background noise. Your brain has to focus on just one 293 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,120 Speaker 3: thing at a time in conscious attention. Because your brain 294 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:32,000 Speaker 3: can only process consciously about fifty bits of information, not 295 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,960 Speaker 3: the eleven million bits of information. So it's actually only 296 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 3: consciously aware of point zero zero zero zero four five 297 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,840 Speaker 3: percent of the information that you have access to. It 298 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,640 Speaker 3: just doesn't have the capacity to deal with all this 299 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:47,840 Speaker 3: fidelity that's in reality, so it has to create this 300 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:52,080 Speaker 3: perceptual filter. So really we are seeing the world not 301 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 3: as it is. We are seeing a simulation of the world. 302 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,280 Speaker 3: It's kind of like the matrix, but it's not some 303 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 3: AI invented computer programs. That you are all inventing our 304 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:05,400 Speaker 3: own realities in real time inside our own What am 305 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,840 Speaker 3: I going to say? Head? Exactly? Now? How did you 306 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 3: know I was going to say that? Because through prior conditioning, 307 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:15,000 Speaker 3: based on your prior beliefs and of how language works 308 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,400 Speaker 3: and what I'm going to say, you knew I was 309 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,760 Speaker 3: going to say head. Now, I might have said something else, 310 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 3: I might have said bring, but you the most likely solution, 311 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:27,280 Speaker 3: based on a probabilistic understanding of the world, was that 312 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,720 Speaker 3: I was going to say head, And that's exactly what 313 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:32,400 Speaker 3: you said. That's based on our prior experiences. So to 314 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:36,320 Speaker 3: answer your question, why is venting bad for us? Because 315 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:41,080 Speaker 3: venting reinforces whatever we want to see and believe. And again, 316 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,560 Speaker 3: believing is seeing just as much as seeing is believing. 317 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:47,560 Speaker 3: So the more you reinforce an image of someone, you 318 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,920 Speaker 3: are creating an effigy of them. You do not see 319 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:54,120 Speaker 3: people as they are. You see beliefs about what you are. 320 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:58,240 Speaker 3: So what you are most insecure about, what values you 321 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,520 Speaker 3: hold most dear that might be violated. Whatever you're struggling with, 322 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:04,160 Speaker 3: that you're not super satisfied with. That's what you're going 323 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,240 Speaker 3: to see in other people, and then you look for 324 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 3: that again and again and again. I you know, evidence 325 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,640 Speaker 3: of this some of my friends. I have such close 326 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,600 Speaker 3: friends with relationships with them and we're very close, and 327 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,640 Speaker 3: then you know, they'll introduce me to their spouse or 328 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,360 Speaker 3: their kids. You know, these friends are very nice to 329 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:24,280 Speaker 3: me because I'm an acquaintance, but their spouse, with their kids, 330 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,920 Speaker 3: they treat like garbage. I see this all the time. 331 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,040 Speaker 3: The people that we are closest to we treat worse. 332 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,200 Speaker 3: Why is that because we don't see them as they 333 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:38,200 Speaker 3: really are, right, we see our worst beliefs about them. 334 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 3: She always does that, that's so like him. There he 335 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 3: goes again. Why do we say that? Because we are 336 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:48,000 Speaker 3: reinforcing what we think we are seeing in that person, 337 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 3: And of course that backfires and venting about people. You know, 338 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,840 Speaker 3: this Freudian notion comes out of the Industrial Revolution, that 339 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,000 Speaker 3: the brain is like a machine that it has gears 340 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,400 Speaker 3: and it has a steam engine, and it's you know, 341 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,920 Speaker 3: it's a can gone. So we have to blow off steam. 342 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,439 Speaker 3: We have to let off pressure, and that turns out 343 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,760 Speaker 3: to be completely wrong, that that is actually not helpful. 344 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,760 Speaker 3: Prom Solving is helpful, but venting is actually not that helpful, 345 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:14,280 Speaker 3: because all it does is reinforce the very perception of 346 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 3: how we think we see someone, even if it's grossly inaccurate. 347 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:21,280 Speaker 1: So some of our most limiting beliefs live closest to 348 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 1: home in the relationships we think we know best. Coming up, 349 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:30,600 Speaker 1: Nia shares a story about his mum, some flowers and 350 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,200 Speaker 1: a moment he's. 351 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,480 Speaker 2: Not particularly proud of, and from it. 352 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:39,520 Speaker 1: He walks through a four question technique that can untangle 353 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:43,600 Speaker 1: almost any belief that's causing you suffering, whether that be 354 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,720 Speaker 1: in your relationships, at work, or even just in your 355 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:53,480 Speaker 1: own head. If you're looking for more tips to improve 356 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:56,080 Speaker 1: the way you work can Live. I write a short 357 00:17:56,119 --> 00:17:59,560 Speaker 1: weekly newsletter that contains tactics I've discovered that have helped 358 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,760 Speaker 1: me per You can sign up for that at Amantha 359 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:11,040 Speaker 1: dot com. That's Amantha dot Com. One of the stories 360 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,760 Speaker 1: that you shared in the book was about your mom 361 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,800 Speaker 1: and I think you'd got her some flowers for her birthday. 362 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,840 Speaker 1: Can you talk about your beliefs around how your mom 363 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:26,200 Speaker 1: reacted and share and share how your mom reacted, because 364 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: I'm really curious about the process that you then went 365 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,719 Speaker 1: through to change that belief that was going on. 366 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,240 Speaker 3: Absolutely. Yeah, So this was a it's a bit of 367 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,119 Speaker 3: an embarrassing story, but I think it's it's revelatory and 368 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:41,280 Speaker 3: that it kind of shows my evolution as I was 369 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,520 Speaker 3: doing this research. So a couple of years ago, my 370 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,920 Speaker 3: mom had her seventy fourth birthday and I thought it'd 371 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,359 Speaker 3: be a good idea for her birthday to get her 372 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,840 Speaker 3: some flowers. And I was in Singapore at the time, 373 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,240 Speaker 3: and she was in Central Florida, where I grew up, 374 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,879 Speaker 3: and getting flowers from Singapore or Central Florida is no 375 00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,440 Speaker 3: easy task. So I called the local floorist that time 376 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,359 Speaker 3: zone your two hours apart. I was talking to the 377 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:03,199 Speaker 3: florist at one in the morning and making sure that 378 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,119 Speaker 3: it had the right flowers and that the florists got 379 00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:06,879 Speaker 3: good reviews and that they could get there on time. 380 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,479 Speaker 3: I was putting in a lot of work to make 381 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,399 Speaker 3: sure these flowers were something my mom would be happy with. 382 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,520 Speaker 3: And so I finally got off the phone. I went 383 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,439 Speaker 3: to bed very late at night, and I patted myself 384 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,200 Speaker 3: on the shoulder. I said, you know what, near you're 385 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,960 Speaker 3: a good son. That was very nice of you. Good job. 386 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,520 Speaker 3: I woke up the next day I called my mom 387 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,960 Speaker 3: and I said, hey, Mom, happy birthday. Did you get 388 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,480 Speaker 3: the flowers I sent? And she says, yes, I did, 389 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,560 Speaker 3: thank you very much, but just so you know, the 390 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,600 Speaker 3: flowers were half dead and I wouldn't order from that 391 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,439 Speaker 3: florist anymore, to which I said something I'm embarrassed of. 392 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,960 Speaker 3: I said something to the effect of, well, that's the 393 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:43,200 Speaker 3: last time I buy you flowers. And at the time, 394 00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:44,640 Speaker 3: you know, now that I say it, I'm a little 395 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,920 Speaker 3: embarrassed by that. But you know, it went over about 396 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,359 Speaker 3: as well as you'd expect. But at the time I 397 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:52,320 Speaker 3: thought I was justified. And when I got off the call, 398 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:53,919 Speaker 3: my wife Julie turned to me and she said, do 399 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,840 Speaker 3: you want to do a turnaround on this, to which 400 00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:59,680 Speaker 3: I said, no, I don't want them to do any 401 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:03,280 Speaker 3: of your touchy feely hocus pocus mumbo jumbo. I want 402 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 3: to vent right. I was wronged. I was hurt. How 403 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,920 Speaker 3: could she say something like that to me? And yeah, 404 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,760 Speaker 3: maybe I didn't say exactly the right thing in response, 405 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,920 Speaker 3: but clearly she's in the wrong here, and I'm in 406 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,200 Speaker 3: the right, so back me up, let me vent. Thankfully, 407 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,960 Speaker 3: I'd known about this research about how venting can actually 408 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:22,440 Speaker 3: reinforce your existing beliefs and how they're not actually that helpful, 409 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,480 Speaker 3: and so I sat down instead and I did a turnaround. Now, 410 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:28,840 Speaker 3: a turnaround comes from the work of Byron Katie, So 411 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,400 Speaker 3: I can't take credit for what I'm about to share 412 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,280 Speaker 3: with you and what I did. It's her work. I've 413 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,520 Speaker 3: adapted it a bit to better fit my needs. But 414 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,200 Speaker 3: this technique actually is very, very oldly. It actually goes 415 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,120 Speaker 3: all the way back to Aristotle. And what this technique 416 00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:43,679 Speaker 3: does it essentially helps you not necessarily change your beliefs. 417 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,760 Speaker 3: That's not the goal here. It's to collect a portfolio 418 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 3: of perspectives to potentially see other beliefs that you could 419 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,240 Speaker 3: choose from, Okay, other glasses that you could put on 420 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,800 Speaker 3: to see this situation differently, so that you can reduce 421 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,479 Speaker 3: your suffering. That's the idea here. Okay, So what did 422 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,919 Speaker 3: I do? So? Byron Katie gives us four questions. The 423 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,600 Speaker 3: first question is is this belief true? 424 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:05,000 Speaker 1: Now? 425 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,600 Speaker 3: What is the belief? I wrote down the belief The 426 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:10,640 Speaker 3: belief was at that time my mother is too judgmental 427 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,000 Speaker 3: and hard to please. You're gonna back me up here, right, 428 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,639 Speaker 3: that was clearly true? What kind of stupid question is 429 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,680 Speaker 3: it true? Obviously? Who says that to their son? 430 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:18,960 Speaker 1: Right? 431 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:20,840 Speaker 3: If I get you flowers, you should just say thank 432 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,600 Speaker 3: you very much and that's it, right, But that's not 433 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,680 Speaker 3: what she did. So clearly, Yeah, my mother was being 434 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,639 Speaker 3: too judgmental and hard to please in that situation. Is 435 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,000 Speaker 3: that true? Yeah? Okay? Next question, and what a stupid question? 436 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,560 Speaker 3: Is it absolutely true? Is this belief my mother's too 437 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:37,320 Speaker 3: judgmental and hard to please? Is it absolutely true? Absolutely 438 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:41,600 Speaker 3: means in all circumstances, no exceptions. Maybe there could be 439 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,639 Speaker 3: a different interpretation. I don't really know what it could be, 440 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,359 Speaker 3: but maybe I guess there is a possibility that's not 441 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,440 Speaker 3: absolutely true, that she was being too judgmental and hard 442 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:49,960 Speaker 3: to please, But I don't know what that is. Okay. 443 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,679 Speaker 3: Third question? Who am I when I hold onto this belief? 444 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:53,520 Speaker 1: So? 445 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:55,000 Speaker 3: How do I feel? Who am I? What do I 446 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:56,720 Speaker 3: become when I hold onto this belief that my mother 447 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:58,280 Speaker 3: is too judgmental and hard to please? And by the 448 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:01,040 Speaker 3: way we're talking about it, in an interpersonal conflict, you 449 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,159 Speaker 3: can you know in the workplace, of course, or like 450 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,920 Speaker 3: when someone annoys you, when your boss does something you 451 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,679 Speaker 3: don't like, when a colleague does something you don't like, 452 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:12,000 Speaker 3: when life does something you don't like. You can always 453 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,800 Speaker 3: do these kind of turnarounds with any existing belief that 454 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,920 Speaker 3: is bothering you, that's causing you suffering. So the third question, 455 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,399 Speaker 3: who am I when I hold on to this belief? Well, 456 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,840 Speaker 3: when I believe my mother is too judgmental and heart 457 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:28,560 Speaker 3: to please, I'm impatient, I'm not very kind, and I 458 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,600 Speaker 3: say things that I later regret, I can't say I'm 459 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,119 Speaker 3: at my best. And then now the fourth question, the 460 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:36,240 Speaker 3: fourth question, who would you be without that belief? If 461 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:37,880 Speaker 3: I had some kind of magic wand that I could 462 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:41,680 Speaker 3: wave around and poof make that belief disappear, I'd probably 463 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:45,800 Speaker 3: be happier. I'd probably be myself. I wouldn't be embarrassed 464 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 3: by something I'd said. I'd think calmly and respond appropriately. 465 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,320 Speaker 3: So what are we establish in just four questions? In 466 00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:56,919 Speaker 3: thirty seconds, we discovered that one that belief is not 467 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 3: a fact, it could in some circumstances not be true. 468 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,600 Speaker 3: It doesn't really serve me, and I'm better without it now. 469 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,040 Speaker 3: I don't have to change the belief. I don't have 470 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,760 Speaker 3: to change the belief. I still have the belief my 471 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,720 Speaker 3: mother is too judgmental heart, so please here, I have 472 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,600 Speaker 3: it right here. Okay, that's the belief, my default belief. Now, 473 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,280 Speaker 3: let's try and collect a portfolio of perspectives. What could 474 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:20,359 Speaker 3: be other possible perspectives, other possible beliefs. How do we 475 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,760 Speaker 3: do this? We do a turnaround. A turnaround asks us 476 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,480 Speaker 3: us to do something that's going to feel extremely uncomfortable. Okay, 477 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:29,320 Speaker 3: nobody likes to do this at first. What you do 478 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:33,560 Speaker 3: is ask yourself, what could the exact opposite of that 479 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:36,359 Speaker 3: belief be? Not because you need to adopt it, okay, 480 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,840 Speaker 3: And I've seen people do this with this is minor 481 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:41,080 Speaker 3: league stuff in terms of my mother's judgmental heart to 482 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:43,000 Speaker 3: please over some flowers. I've heard people do this with 483 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:46,680 Speaker 3: severe trauma, with circumstances that you wouldn't believe, and come 484 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:48,639 Speaker 3: out the other end with a lot less suffering. So 485 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,680 Speaker 3: you can do this with all kinds of circumstances. But again, 486 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,840 Speaker 3: it's very uncomfortable to do it first. Because your brain 487 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:57,000 Speaker 3: has a psychological immune system. We call this an immunity 488 00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:00,040 Speaker 3: to change So just like your body when there's a 489 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,639 Speaker 3: foreign body that enters your you know, if you get 490 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:05,199 Speaker 3: a splinter, you're gonna get an infection. Your brain hates 491 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,440 Speaker 3: changing beliefs, hates it, hates it hates it because you're 492 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,040 Speaker 3: asking your brain to update your view of reality, which 493 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:13,760 Speaker 3: is difficult, which means that it's very uncomfortable. It's very 494 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,360 Speaker 3: unsettling at times. But of course that's how we see 495 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:19,120 Speaker 3: reality more clearly. We get unstuck. We've got your foot 496 00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:21,240 Speaker 3: stuck in mud. You have to yank it out, and 497 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,359 Speaker 3: sometimes very difficult to do that. Just like you know, 498 00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:25,639 Speaker 3: pulling out a splinter can be painful, so yanking out 499 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,960 Speaker 3: these limiting beliefs can be uncomfortable. So when you feel 500 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,640 Speaker 3: that resistance, people are gonna say to themselves, oh, he's 501 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,639 Speaker 3: asking me to lie to myself. He's asking me to 502 00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:37,160 Speaker 3: uh gaslight myself. Well, newsflash, you're already lying to yourself. 503 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,919 Speaker 3: You're already gaslighting yourself. You already have these beliefs that 504 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,359 Speaker 3: are not true. They are not facts, they are not 505 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,040 Speaker 3: laws of physics, They are based on your perception. You're 506 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:48,720 Speaker 3: already lying to yourself. Lie to yourself in a better 507 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,240 Speaker 3: way that serves you and reduces suffering. Okay, so give 508 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,480 Speaker 3: this a chance. So here's what I did. My mother 509 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,360 Speaker 3: is too judgmental heart to please. What's the opposite of that? 510 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,879 Speaker 3: My mother is not too judgmental and heart to please. 511 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,640 Speaker 3: Now my job is or into this exercise. How can 512 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,720 Speaker 3: I think of any potential way that could be true? 513 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,840 Speaker 3: I don't have to believe it, but is there any 514 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,800 Speaker 3: possible way that could be true that my mother was 515 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,920 Speaker 3: not being too judgmental and hard to please? Well, when 516 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:13,439 Speaker 3: I sat with it for a few minutes, I realized, maybe, 517 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,960 Speaker 3: potentially she was just trying to help me, right, Maybe 518 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,240 Speaker 3: she was trying to be helpful, not hurtful. That she 519 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:19,880 Speaker 3: was just trying to make sure I didn't get scammed 520 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:23,320 Speaker 3: by this florist. Could be true. Right Again, I don't 521 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:27,480 Speaker 3: have to believe it, but that is one potential perspective. Okay, great, 522 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:31,760 Speaker 3: what's another turnaround? Not my mother's too judgmental and hard 523 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,440 Speaker 3: to please. This is called the turnaround to the self. 524 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,920 Speaker 3: I am too judgmental and hard to please? What how 525 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,520 Speaker 3: is I being judgmental hard to please? When I sat 526 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:42,200 Speaker 3: with it for a few minutes, I thought, well, how 527 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:46,160 Speaker 3: could that be true? To be honest. When I called 528 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:49,840 Speaker 3: my mom and she didn't think me in the way 529 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,800 Speaker 3: that I expected that I deserve to be thanked. In 530 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:56,000 Speaker 3: the script in my head, I deserved effusive praise for 531 00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:58,359 Speaker 3: all this work got put into getting her this gift. 532 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,919 Speaker 3: And when that praise didn't come exactly the way that 533 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:05,000 Speaker 3: I had scripted, I lost it. So who is being 534 00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:10,280 Speaker 3: judgmental hard to please? I was, wasn't I? What's another turnaround? 535 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,200 Speaker 3: Another turnaround? Is I am being too judgmental and hard 536 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:17,640 Speaker 3: to please towards myself. That's a fourth potential belief, right, 537 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,760 Speaker 3: how could I be too judgmental and hard to please 538 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,120 Speaker 3: towards myself? Well, when I put in all this work 539 00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:25,920 Speaker 3: and I stayed up late and I ordered these flowers, 540 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,919 Speaker 3: and the flowers didn't come exactly the way I wanted 541 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,000 Speaker 3: them to, I felt like I messed up, like I 542 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:36,160 Speaker 3: did something wrong, like I was incompetent, And that didn't 543 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,359 Speaker 3: feel good. And so this is called the misattribution of emotion. 544 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:42,720 Speaker 3: It happens all the time. Something feels icky inside you 545 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:44,959 Speaker 3: and you don't like it. You don't want to look 546 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,760 Speaker 3: at yourself in the mirror. So what do you do? 547 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,880 Speaker 3: The first person that's in front of you. Oh, you're 548 00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:52,640 Speaker 3: the reason, right. It's the traffic, it's the news, it's 549 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,639 Speaker 3: this war across the world. It's this person who's trying 550 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,040 Speaker 3: to annoy me, when really it's in here. And that 551 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,679 Speaker 3: I actually felt the most that I was taking it 552 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,560 Speaker 3: as blame, that somehow it was my fault that the 553 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,800 Speaker 3: flowers hadn't arrived exactly as I'd won them to. And 554 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:10,720 Speaker 3: now she's rubbing salt in my wounds. That's a me problem, 555 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,720 Speaker 3: that's not her problem. I was judging myself and I 556 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,280 Speaker 3: didn't live up to my standards, okay, and that was 557 00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:20,160 Speaker 3: my own problem. Now I have four new beliefs. 558 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:20,760 Speaker 2: Okay. 559 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,320 Speaker 3: The first one was my default. That's the one that 560 00:27:24,359 --> 00:27:26,760 Speaker 3: before I learned this technique, would have been my default. 561 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,520 Speaker 3: That's reality as I see it, and that feels very true. 562 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:31,479 Speaker 3: It feels like a fact. My mother is clearly too 563 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:34,760 Speaker 3: judgmental and hard to please. Now I have three other beliefs. 564 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,359 Speaker 3: I don't have to believe in any of them. I 565 00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:39,919 Speaker 3: don't have to adopt any of them, but now I 566 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:43,360 Speaker 3: can see which one might reduce my suffering. The first belief, 567 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:47,360 Speaker 3: there's only one solution to reduce my suffering. She has 568 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:51,600 Speaker 3: to change so I can be happy. That's not gonna happen. Right, 569 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:53,960 Speaker 3: that's not gonna happen. We constantly expect this, you know, 570 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,399 Speaker 3: we want things to change in our outside environment. We 571 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:59,840 Speaker 3: expect them to change, and until they do, we're miserable. 572 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,560 Speaker 3: Why whereas if we adopt one of these other beliefs, 573 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,840 Speaker 3: Wait a minute, you know what, I don't need her 574 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:09,560 Speaker 3: to change to realize that I had ridiculous standards about 575 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:13,280 Speaker 3: my own execution of this task. Right, that was my problem. 576 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:15,159 Speaker 3: Now it's on my side on the net, I can 577 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,679 Speaker 3: do something about it. I have way more agency with 578 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 3: that new liberating belief versus this limiting belief that was 579 00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:24,320 Speaker 3: limiting my relationship with my mother, It was limiting my 580 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:27,119 Speaker 3: own happiness, and it was increasing my suffering. And so 581 00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:28,920 Speaker 3: that's an example of how we can do these turnarounds 582 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,520 Speaker 3: with really any of our limiting beliefs in life. 583 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:33,240 Speaker 2: I love that process so much. 584 00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:37,120 Speaker 1: I wanted to know, like to get results, to feel 585 00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:41,760 Speaker 1: like your beliefs have shifted or you've adopted a new belief. 586 00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:45,200 Speaker 1: Have you found that just going through that once is enough, 587 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:47,040 Speaker 1: or have you found that you've had. 588 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,920 Speaker 2: To repeat that over and over again to feel that, oh, oh. 589 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,320 Speaker 3: My goodness, absolutely, I mean this is you know, look, 590 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:55,360 Speaker 3: I when I write my books, I've written this is 591 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,959 Speaker 3: my third book, and every one of my books is 592 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,520 Speaker 3: as my friend and fellow author Ji Rubin says. She says, 593 00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:05,120 Speaker 3: research is me search, like you teach what you most 594 00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:07,080 Speaker 3: need to learn. And I'm not shy about that. I mean, 595 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,720 Speaker 3: I don't tell people that I'm the expert. I write 596 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:11,760 Speaker 3: books about what I want to know, not what I 597 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,680 Speaker 3: already know. Like that's what keeps book writing interesting to me, 598 00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:17,000 Speaker 3: is that I'm following my curiosity to solve these problems. 599 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,959 Speaker 3: And when I read books that have very shallow interpretations 600 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,920 Speaker 3: or magical thinking and don't look at the science, it 601 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,680 Speaker 3: doesn't work right. And so I'm looking for something that 602 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:28,240 Speaker 3: works for me. And this technique works for me, and 603 00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:31,920 Speaker 3: I do it ten times a day. I do it 604 00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:35,440 Speaker 3: with my interpersonal relationships. I have to say, my relationship 605 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:37,200 Speaker 3: with my family is better than ever, with my wife 606 00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,160 Speaker 3: and my daughter, with my parents, certainly, with my friends. 607 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:43,520 Speaker 3: My business is more productive. I'm more at peace, you know, 608 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:45,920 Speaker 3: even as the world feels like it's getting more out 609 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:49,120 Speaker 3: of control. We need this skill, you know, with the 610 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:51,280 Speaker 3: dawn of AI and all the disruption that's going to 611 00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:54,080 Speaker 3: cause with geopolitical issues. I don't know about you. I 612 00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:57,040 Speaker 3: don't know how people are surviving these days mentally without 613 00:29:57,040 --> 00:30:02,040 Speaker 3: this technique, without questioning the beliefs causing you suffering. If 614 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:04,960 Speaker 3: you don't have that tool these days, I don't know 615 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:05,600 Speaker 3: how you're doing it. 616 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:08,160 Speaker 1: So that's the end of part one of this two 617 00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:11,400 Speaker 1: part episode. Make sure you hit follow or subscribe to 618 00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:14,560 Speaker 1: How I Work so you are alerted when part two 619 00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:17,880 Speaker 1: drops in your feed, because next week we are going 620 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:20,520 Speaker 1: to be getting into the topic of failure goals, why 621 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:24,600 Speaker 1: positive thinking might actually be working against you, and what 622 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:28,000 Speaker 1: high performance athletes actually visualize. 623 00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:30,360 Speaker 2: And it's not the finish line. 624 00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:33,680 Speaker 1: If you like today's show, make sure you hit follow 625 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,280 Speaker 1: on your podcast app to be alerted when new episodes drop. 626 00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:39,120 Speaker 2: How I Work was recorded 627 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:41,800 Speaker 1: On the traditional land of the Warrangery People, part of 628 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:42,560 Speaker 1: the Cooler Nation.