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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.

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Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers Now. They've

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Speaker 2: done it, they don't need to do it anymore. But

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Speaker 2: there is so much love in that room for your

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Speaker 2: children creating that beautiful village.

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Speaker 1: And I think that if we can.

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Speaker 2: Take that perspective, that we can pretty much just about

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Speaker 2: deal with any of it.

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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum

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Speaker 1: and Dad. I love, I love I love when we

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Speaker 1: get questions like the one we're going to answer on

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Speaker 1: today's podcast, Kylie, because I've actually got an opinion about

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Speaker 1: it and I'm excited for it. So I'm going to

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Speaker 1: dive straight in. Let's not beat around the bush. It's

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Speaker 1: getting close to Christmas. People are in a hurry. They

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Speaker 1: just want stuff done. This is the Happy Families podcast,

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Speaker 1: the podcast for the time poor parent who just wants

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Speaker 1: answers now. So here is the question that we've received

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Speaker 1: from an anonymous poster through podcasts at Happy Families dot

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Speaker 1: com dot au. This person says, struggling with balancing family

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Speaker 1: values and routines with visiting grandparents who have different ideas.

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Speaker 1: I mean, this is such a perfect Christmas question. Isn't

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Speaker 1: it like everyone knows that we're going to catch up

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Speaker 1: with grandparents and the grandparents aregain Maybe.

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Speaker 2: It's not the grandparents, Maybe it's auntists and uncles.

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Speaker 1: It could be any family member, the big brother or

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Speaker 1: a big sister, or the step It doesn't matter. Somebody's

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Speaker 1: going to come in and say, yeah, don't really care

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Speaker 1: what your rules are. We're going to do it my

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Speaker 1: way for Christmas, or for the weekend, or for the

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Speaker 1: catch up. So here's the specific detail in this question.

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Speaker 1: We want our daughter to have a great time, especially

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Speaker 1: as my parents don't live locally and so their time

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Speaker 1: together is limited. But when they swoop in for weeks

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Speaker 1: and throw the world into chaos, it becomes a problem.

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Speaker 1: They organize stuff to do without consideration for what else

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Speaker 1: is going on, and throw money at the situation. So

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Speaker 1: of course they'll turn a seven year old's head. And

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Speaker 1: while the jokes about grandparents being able to hog kids

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Speaker 1: up on sugar and send them back might be funny,

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Speaker 1: reality is somewhat different, as where the one having to

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Speaker 1: deal with the naked kid who was out of routine.

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Speaker 1: For example, on Saturday they had a grand day out.

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Speaker 1: We were fine letting bedtime slide, but they didn't give

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Speaker 1: her lunch or dinner. Let us scoff popcorn and ice cream,

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Speaker 1: not even so much as macas we want their limited

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Speaker 1: memories to be great, and even my limited time with

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Speaker 1: aging parents to be as positive as possible. But the

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Speaker 1: lack of respect is becoming an issue, and expecting my

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Speaker 1: wife to suck it up and stay quiet while her

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Speaker 1: world is turned on its head isn't fair either. My

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Speaker 1: wife's mum, who lives locally and is an integral part

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Speaker 1: of our daughter's life, is totally on the same page.

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Speaker 1: She does the fun stuff and ben's a rule or two,

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Speaker 1: but always within the same culture and values we try

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Speaker 1: to foster. So here's a dad who's he's really just

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Speaker 1: saying the no, no, my parents. My parents have come

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Speaker 1: in and they just keep on turning our kids world

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Speaker 1: upside down and inside.

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Speaker 2: So it's not kids world upside but it's actually he's actually.

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Speaker 1: With dad's world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know all about this. Well,

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Speaker 1: we have. We have literally lived this for the last

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Speaker 1: I'm just counting like twenty twenty three years, twenty four years,

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Speaker 1: and so for our anonymous messenger, we we understand completely.

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Speaker 1: So the first thing that I want to jump in with.

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Speaker 1: I know you've got a lot to say, but I

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Speaker 1: just want to jump in and highlight there's a reason

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Speaker 1: that it's different for the mother in law who's just

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Speaker 1: around the corner and who is an integral part of

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Speaker 1: the kids' lives, and the parents who are swooping in

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Speaker 1: for a week or two at a time then disappearing.

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Speaker 1: When you're part of someone's life, you don't feel like

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Speaker 1: you have to go and do all the crazy stuff,

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Speaker 1: do all the fun stuff.

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Speaker 2: You don't have to squeeze it all in. You feel

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Speaker 2: like you have missed out on so much, so you

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Speaker 2: want to jam pack what little time you have to

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Speaker 2: make it count.

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Speaker 1: I can't wait time a grandparent turn. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: turn our kids' lives upside down. It's going to be

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Speaker 1: so much fun. But I digress. I digress. It's not

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Speaker 1: about me right now. So I want to have a

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Speaker 1: whole lot of sympathy and even empathy. I think that

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Speaker 1: we do have empathy for this family, but I wanted

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Speaker 1: to really emphasize that when you're there all the time,

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Speaker 1: you get how the family operates, You get what the

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Speaker 1: values are, you get what the needs are. And you

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Speaker 1: don't have to squeeze it all in, which means that

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Speaker 1: things don't get turned on their head.

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Speaker 2: I also think, though not in every case, but I

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Speaker 2: think that mothers and daughters have a different relationship.

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Speaker 1: I would agree with that because when I look at

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Speaker 1: when I look at how frustrated I get with my

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Speaker 1: mom and how patient you are with your mom, like

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Speaker 1: there's a for me, it feels like a difference. But

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Speaker 1: I don't know if it's just because of who my

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Speaker 1: mom is and who your mom is and who we are.

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm still I'm quite a reserved person in the

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Speaker 2: conversations that I feel comfortable having with people, especially when

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Speaker 2: it's when I recognize that there's a level of emotion

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Speaker 2: involved in it. But there are conversations that I am

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Speaker 2: obviously much more comfortable having with my mom and dad

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Speaker 2: because they're my mum and dad, as opposed to trying

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Speaker 2: to have them with your parents.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, about the same thing. So I'm really

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Speaker 1: glad you raised that because when I wasn't quite sure

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Speaker 1: where you were going with that. But I kind of

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Speaker 1: feel like, if there's disruption in a family, it shouldn't

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Speaker 1: be up to the son or daughter in law to

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Speaker 1: raise it with the in laws. So if my parents

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Speaker 1: are causing disruption, it's not really your job to talk

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Speaker 1: to my parents about that. You need to talk to me,

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Speaker 1: and we've got to be aligned, and then I should

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Speaker 1: be going and talking to my parents. It's never a

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Speaker 1: good look, never a good feel when the daughter in

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Speaker 1: law goes to the parents in law and says, hey,

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Speaker 1: you kind of messing up our lives. Here much better

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Speaker 1: when the son or the daughter go to their respective

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Speaker 1: parents and say, here's what we're struggling with and we're aligned.

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Speaker 1: This isn't me dobbing or getting mad at you on

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Speaker 1: behalf of my wife. We're aligned. That's a really handy

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Speaker 1: piece of advice. And I think that this son could

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Speaker 1: do well to take this to his parents himself, but

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Speaker 1: I don't think he should. And this is the bit

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Speaker 1: where I want to get a little bit forth right

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Speaker 1: around it. We're talking about grandparents who don't get to

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Speaker 1: see their grandkids a whole lot, and it's true that

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Speaker 1: they do sort of swoop in and turn the world

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Speaker 1: on its head for a day or a weekend, or

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Speaker 1: even a week or even maybe a month. If they're

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Speaker 1: traveling from a long way away.

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Speaker 2: And you're saying all of this from a very educated position.

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Speaker 2: We have literally lived this, and we have lived through

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Speaker 2: every possible emotion in relation to this.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and we've had every argument with both sets of

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Speaker 1: parents over the last twenty something years about it. So

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Speaker 1: I don't want to sound a glib when I say

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying, because we've actually been there, and if

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Speaker 1: I could go back and do it all over again

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Speaker 1: from the start, the advice that I would give young

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Speaker 1: twenty something year old Justin is just be cool. Let

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Speaker 1: them go for it. Your kids are going to survive.

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Speaker 1: Just enjoy the peace and quiet, Enjoy the serenity while

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Speaker 1: the kids are out, and then lay down and cuddle

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Speaker 1: your kiddo as they go to bed at night, knowing

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Speaker 1: that they've had a great day with the grandparents well.

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Speaker 2: And recognize that tomorrow we're probably actually just going to

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Speaker 2: need to have a really nice, quiet day at home. Yes, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I think.

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Speaker 1: Or next week, if it's going to go all weekend.

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Speaker 2: I would say exactly the same thing. I look at

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Speaker 2: the challenges and the frustration that I went through as

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Speaker 2: a young mom watching mostly your mom, I knew you

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Speaker 2: were going to say that that was coming, but my

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Speaker 2: mum was involved in there as well, and watching the

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Speaker 2: chaos that ensued as a result of time spent with

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Speaker 2: either of them.

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Speaker 1: And the friction. I know I cut you off, but

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Speaker 1: it wasn't just the chaos, it was the friction. It

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Speaker 1: was the bad vibes, the ill feeling, the ill will.

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Speaker 1: I remember one night coming in after your parents had

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Speaker 1: so kindly given up their night, looked after our kids

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Speaker 1: so you and I could go on a date. Got

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Speaker 1: back at like nine p fifteen, and our little ones,

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Speaker 1: they were under the age of five, were still watching TV.

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Speaker 1: Or maybe it was like eight thirty or something like that,

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Speaker 1: but it was an hour past their bedtime. And I

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Speaker 1: was so rude. I was so rude as I walked

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Speaker 1: in and said, why are the kids still watching TV?

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Speaker 1: They should have been and better an hour ago. And

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Speaker 1: I stared your parents down, and then I switched off

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Speaker 1: the TV mid program and dragged the kids into the

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Speaker 1: room and I was like, you need to go to

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Speaker 1: bed right now. And there was just that friction that

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Speaker 1: it created. I mean, I don't know how your parents

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Speaker 1: held their tongue and were so humble about it. They

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Speaker 1: just quietly said good night to you. And left while

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Speaker 1: I fumed as I tried to put the kids down

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Speaker 1: the friction. It's just not worth it.

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Speaker 2: Think about those experiences, and in spite of the challenge,

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Speaker 2: I look at so many of my friends who don't

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Speaker 2: even have the luxury of having grandparents swoop in and

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Speaker 2: turn their lives out.

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Speaker 1: Well, sometimes don't even have them in the first place.

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Speaker 2: And I know which one I choose every single time.

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Speaker 2: And in spite of all of that, if you talk

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Speaker 2: to any one of our children, they could name a

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Speaker 2: hundred reasons why their grandparents are just the bee's knees

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Speaker 2: in their world. And all of the beautiful memories that

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Speaker 2: they had, Yes they ate ice cream for breakfast, Yes they.

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Speaker 1: Didn't have they didn't have one or dinner, and they

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Speaker 1: came home starving and emaciated because of that. Head is

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Speaker 1: possible they stared.

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Speaker 2: At the TV for way too long and didn't go

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Speaker 2: to bed until way too late. But I think when

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Speaker 2: we are able to take a step back and recognize

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Speaker 2: that here are two people who have literally done their

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Speaker 2: child wearing, it could really like completely just leave babysitting

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Speaker 2: duties up to everybody else because they've done it. They

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Speaker 2: don't need to do it anymore. But there is so

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Speaker 2: much love in that room for your children, creating that

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Speaker 2: beautiful village of support and connection that they desperately need

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Speaker 2: and want. And I think that if we can take

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Speaker 2: that perspective, that we can pretty much just about deal

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Speaker 2: with any of it.

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Speaker 1: So the weekend just gone, we had my family's extended

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Speaker 1: family Christmas across the weekend, so we went to the

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Speaker 1: Gold Coasts. We all had a motel, hotel room, whatever

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Speaker 1: it was, for a couple of nights in the same building,

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Speaker 1: so that we all got to spend time together. And

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Speaker 1: we've tried for more than twenty years now to calm

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Speaker 1: my mum down when it comes to Christmas and gifts

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Speaker 1: and sugar. Sugar. I mean, my mum is an accredited

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Speaker 1: practicing dietitian, but she has no concept of our very

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Speaker 1: best efforts to reduce the amount of sugar and take

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Speaker 1: that our kids get.

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Speaker 2: And literally all of your siblings are all actually.

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Speaker 1: Very We're probably the least healthy.

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Speaker 2: No, no, nutritionally conscious.

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Speaker 1: That's what I mean. Like we're we're quite conscious of it.

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Speaker 1: But compared to my siblings, holy smokes, we're pretty lax.

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Speaker 1: Compared to them, they're much more full on than we are, that's.

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Speaker 2: Right, And so to go through a weekend where literally

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Speaker 2: every corner.

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Speaker 1: It's custard for breakfast, and when we caught the kids

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Speaker 1: eating whiz Fizz for breakfast, for goodness sakes, we would

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Speaker 1: never do that. But even now, even my very very

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Speaker 1: health conscious brother and his wife, they kind of just

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Speaker 1: shrugged their shoulders and they're like, you know what, this weekend,

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Speaker 1: then Nan is going to do what Nan does. And

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Speaker 1: we can either fight it and have a horrible time,

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Speaker 1: or we can just shrug our shoulders and be like,

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Speaker 1: it's one weekend every three months, six months, twelve months,

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Speaker 1: it's one weekend.

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Speaker 2: Well, since COVID, it's probably once every three years. To

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Speaker 2: be honest, we have this is the first time we've

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Speaker 2: been together for such a long time.

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Speaker 1: And as a lot of you're and my ability, and

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Speaker 1: my brother's ability, and my other sisters their ability to

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Speaker 1: just shrug their shoulders and say, you know what, my

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Speaker 1: mum's name is Karen. Don't hold it against her. But

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Speaker 1: it's just Karen being Karen. It's just who she is,

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Speaker 1: it's just what she does. We actually had a really

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Speaker 1: nice weekend because we didn't get frustrated at the late nights,

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Speaker 1: the excessive sugar, the over the top gift giving that's

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Speaker 1: completely unnecessary and feels burdensome and wasteful and challenging. Instead,

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Speaker 1: we just said, we love her, she loves the kids.

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Speaker 1: We're going to make it awesome, and we went with it.

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Speaker 1: And I know that this kind of feels I hope

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Speaker 1: it doesn't feel horrible to our anonymous emailer who who

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Speaker 1: said I need help here. But that's the approach that

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Speaker 1: we both seem pretty aligned on. That is much better

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Speaker 1: to have the grandparents in their lives than not. And

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Speaker 1: if there's a short period where all the rules do

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Speaker 1: kind of go out the window, it's okay because Grandma

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Speaker 1: will go home and it'll want to take a day

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Speaker 1: or two and everything we back to normal.

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Speaker 2: And if we can just round this whole picture out.

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Speaker 2: We drove out the driveway from the Gold Coast to

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Speaker 2: come home, and I almost didn't make it home. I

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Speaker 2: was feeling that physically drained and awful as a result

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Speaker 2: of all of that was shoved into my boat. Well

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Speaker 2: it actually wasn't I chose, but it was available to us.

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Speaker 2: And that's the reality it was. It was like that

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Speaker 2: and I felt physically ill, and I'm still actually not

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Speaker 2: feeling one hundred percent after the garbage we ate for

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Speaker 2: the weekend, but I'm still I can't tell you how

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Speaker 2: full my heart is and how grateful I am for

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Speaker 2: your mum and dad and for the way they just

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Speaker 2: love our children. And I don't believe it's a disrespect

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Speaker 2: of my values and my wishes. I don't feel like

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Speaker 2: at any point she's going, well, stuff you. I'm the grandparent.

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Speaker 1: I can do what I want. I'm going to rub

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Speaker 1: it in your face because I can not that at all.

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Speaker 2: It's this is just her way. It's just her and

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Speaker 2: it's who she is, and I can't change her.

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Speaker 1: And we've tried. We had, so has every one of

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Speaker 1: my siblings and all of the inlads. Like we've all tried.

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Speaker 1: My dad's been trying for forty something fifty something years

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Speaker 1: to change my mum. Not gonna happen, But as we accept,

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Speaker 1: we just have a better time. And it's taken a

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Speaker 1: couple of days. But you know, Kylie, the other thing

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Speaker 1: is when you sit down, and this is what I

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Speaker 1: would want this dad who sent us this email to do.

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Speaker 1: When you sit down with your kiddo, after Grandma goes

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Speaker 1: home and you say, hey, what was the best thing

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Speaker 1: about Grandma being here? And then you just listen as

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Speaker 1: they say, I love doing this, and I loved it

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Speaker 1: when she brought me that, I loved it when we

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Speaker 1: got to do that thing and have this experience, and

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Speaker 1: I love it when she laid down and tickled me.

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Speaker 1: Like the list will be long, And at that point

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Speaker 1: you kind of go, yeah, I'm sweating the small stuff.

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Speaker 1: I'm worried about all the wrong things here. Those things

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Speaker 1: do matter, and if it's going to be an everyday thing,

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Speaker 1: it becomes an issue. But if it's if it's a

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Speaker 1: day or a weekend, or a week or even a month,

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Speaker 1: just take a breather and encourage the relationship. Relationship is everything.

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Speaker 1: Relationships love, That's the heart of the whole thing. So

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Speaker 1: that's our response to that question. I hope that it

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Speaker 1: helps everyone to get through Christmas this year, like we

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Speaker 1: had to last weekend. We got one more of those

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Speaker 1: coming up with your family in a couple of weeks time,

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Speaker 1: and we're going to take the same approach. We're just

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Speaker 1: going to go with whatever happens, and once it's all done,

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Speaker 1: we'll get back into life again. The Happy Families podcast

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Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Rowlan from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce

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Speaker 1: is our executive producer. If you have questions for US

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Speaker 1: podcasts at happy families dot com dot you. That's podcasts

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Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot you. A quick caveat

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Speaker 1: on everything we've just talked about. We're operating on the

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Speaker 1: assumption that relationships are safe and healthy. If they're not,

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Speaker 1: obviously different rules would apply tomorrow on the podcast, Very

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Speaker 1: very excited to tell you our old do better tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: Kylie has got the best one ever about me and

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Speaker 1: how awesome I was when one of our daughters had

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Speaker 1: an experience that nobody ever wants their child to go

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Speaker 1: through MHM