WEBVTT - MINI: Dr Justin

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to the Christian O'Connell show podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>On the show right now, taking your questions next dot

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<v Speaker 2>to Justin Coulson from Channel nine's Parental Guidance if you've

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<v Speaker 2>missed it finished this week, but it's all a bit

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<v Speaker 2>of a watch on demand on nine now, Doctor Justin,

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<v Speaker 2>you good to take some calls?

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<v Speaker 3>Now, let's play. Okay, I like that, Andrew.

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<v Speaker 4>Good morning morning Christian.

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<v Speaker 3>All right, what is your question for Dr Justin Colson

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<v Speaker 3>this morning?

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<v Speaker 4>Morning, Doctor Justin. I have a quick question. I've had preteen.

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<v Speaker 4>Tony's twelve years old, and he is fairly well defiant, Like,

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<v Speaker 4>for example, you know, no matter what you say to him, well,

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<v Speaker 4>he will basically try to catch her out on the

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<v Speaker 4>technicality on anything like if you give him, if you

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<v Speaker 4>try to take his screen time away, if you like

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<v Speaker 4>his technology time, He'll jump from one device to the

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<v Speaker 4>next and try to catch you out at every earn

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<v Speaker 4>to sort of get your own way. I don't know

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<v Speaker 4>if there's a better way to put that question.

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<v Speaker 1>It's exhausting. You got when you've got kids that know everything,

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<v Speaker 1>won't listen, just want to live their own lives, and

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<v Speaker 1>you think, hang on, you're part of a family. Here,

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<v Speaker 1>we're part of a conversation about how to get things done.

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<v Speaker 1>So I reckon there's a couple of things going on

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<v Speaker 1>in circumstances like this. First off, imagine your relationship with

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<v Speaker 1>your kids like a bucket, and you can have one

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<v Speaker 1>of two things in the bucket. You can have air,

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<v Speaker 1>which is pointless, or you can have water. So the

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<v Speaker 1>water is connection, the air is correction and direction. And

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<v Speaker 1>most of the time when parents come to me with

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<v Speaker 1>these kinds of challenges, especially with those sort of tween

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<v Speaker 1>to early teen years, what's going on is we're walking

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<v Speaker 1>around with buckets full of air. There's no water in there.

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<v Speaker 1>That is, we're constantly giving our kids correction and direction,

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<v Speaker 1>and we're not actually spending time in connection. It's like, hey, mate,

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<v Speaker 1>you need to do this. Why haven't you done this?

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<v Speaker 1>I asked you to this fifteen times. What's going on

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<v Speaker 1>with you? You never listen to this? That get off

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<v Speaker 1>your damn screen. I'm sick of talking to you about this.

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<v Speaker 1>And so correction and direction becomes the the foundation of

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<v Speaker 1>our lives and as adults, if we were in a

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<v Speaker 1>relationship with someone that just constantly told us what to

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<v Speaker 1>do all the time, we kind of stopped listening, and

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<v Speaker 1>we'd look for any opportunity to get away from the

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<v Speaker 1>person constantly correcting and directing. Therefore, what I would suggest

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<v Speaker 1>for any parent who's got any kind of antagonism in

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<v Speaker 1>their relationship with their kids is go back to basics.

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<v Speaker 1>Like when they were little, we never told them what

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<v Speaker 1>to do.

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<v Speaker 3>We just loved them.

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<v Speaker 1>We'd get on the floor and roll around them and

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<v Speaker 1>play and connect, connect, connect. But the older they get,

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<v Speaker 1>the less of that we do, which means that we

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<v Speaker 1>keep on taking water out of the bucket. I'd be

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<v Speaker 1>looking at things like Saturday mornings, let's go for a

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<v Speaker 1>walk down to our favorite cafe and buy a chocolate

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<v Speaker 1>milkshake and talk with no agenda. Go for a camp

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<v Speaker 1>once a month or every once a term or something

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<v Speaker 1>like that, just for a night or two nights. Go

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<v Speaker 1>overnight camping. Look for ways that you can connect. Go

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<v Speaker 1>for a bike ride, walk the dog, go and kick

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<v Speaker 1>a footy, throw a netball, whatever it is that you

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<v Speaker 1>and your kids do. Get that sort of stuff going,

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<v Speaker 1>and then over time, I mean it's taken twelve years

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<v Speaker 1>for the relationship to deteriorate to where it is. It's

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<v Speaker 1>not going to reinstate itself within twelve minutes of connection.

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<v Speaker 1>But if you sit down and watch a funny movie

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<v Speaker 1>and talk about all the all the funniest lines, you

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<v Speaker 1>do that consistently for three weeks, four weeks, six weeks,

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<v Speaker 1>twelve weeks, and all of a sudden you can sit

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<v Speaker 1>down and have a proper conversation where you say, hey, buddy,

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<v Speaker 1>we're still having a whole lot of fights about this

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<v Speaker 1>and that. What do you reckon we should do? And

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<v Speaker 1>and all of a sudden he's happy to hear you

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<v Speaker 1>because the relationship is more connection rather than correction and direction.

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<v Speaker 4>Okay, yeah, awesome, sound much fun. Yeah, it sounds like

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<v Speaker 4>a big starting point like it's been a it's been

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<v Speaker 4>a struggle.

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<v Speaker 3>So yeah, yeah, it is. It is.

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<v Speaker 5>It's really hard made. But I love that, doctor Johnston.

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<v Speaker 5>I think the difference between connection direction. You're right so

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<v Speaker 5>many times in that flashpoint you will go towards direction.

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<v Speaker 5>Don't do this, do that, or think that was actually

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<v Speaker 5>when you step back, and it's so hard when it's

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<v Speaker 5>all going so quickly. And I've been in that situation

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<v Speaker 5>at you and Andrew, where there's so much smarter, way

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<v Speaker 5>smarter than we were at twelve, and you're right. When

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<v Speaker 5>they start applying logic back to you, I actually get overwhelmed.

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<v Speaker 5>I actually don't know what to say. You need to

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<v Speaker 5>take five minutes out sometimes to say, look, I just

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<v Speaker 5>need to slow everything down.

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<v Speaker 3>It's just too much. They're overwhelming you, aren't they.

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<v Speaker 4>Dear, that's definitely damn these kids.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm going to call my book. I think that's quite

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<v Speaker 3>what doctor Justin was saying.

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<v Speaker 5>Wow, it's what this doctors said Street doctor Android, Thank

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<v Speaker 5>you very much, Cool Justin.

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<v Speaker 3>That was really good. I love the stuff about.

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<v Speaker 5>Connection and direction, I think, and there'll be a lot

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<v Speaker 5>of mums and dads that have got something from that.

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<v Speaker 3>We got to have for one more Melissa.

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<v Speaker 6>Good morning, Oh, good morning to doctor. I just had

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<v Speaker 6>a question regards my teen daughter. I'm just trying to

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<v Speaker 6>work out how how do I go about speaking to

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<v Speaker 6>her about age appropriate dress. Given their teenage, girls see.

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<v Speaker 4>A lot of.

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<v Speaker 6>Inappropriate probably for their age clothing on TikTok and Instagram

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<v Speaker 6>and things like that, so normally issues as well, but

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<v Speaker 6>I'm just trying to say what can I say?

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<v Speaker 1>Well, So, as a father of six girls and having

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<v Speaker 1>raised four teenagers already, I feel your pain.

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<v Speaker 3>That's the first thing those kids. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>The second thing that I want to say, and I

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<v Speaker 1>think it applies to all of us as parents. And

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know whether you were like this or not,

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<v Speaker 1>but I hear a comment like that, and I think,

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<v Speaker 1>what was I like when I was a teenager. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know if you ever gave your parents a bit

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<v Speaker 1>of a hard time about what you were and weren't

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<v Speaker 1>allowed to wear. But as I think about what you've

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<v Speaker 1>said and what Andrew our previous callers said, sometimes I

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<v Speaker 1>think it's hard to parent than me out of my kids, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>because they're just doing so much of what we did

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<v Speaker 1>and so much what all the other kids are doing now.

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<v Speaker 1>In terms of this specific conversation around dress, the first

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<v Speaker 1>thing that I want to suggest is it's really hard

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<v Speaker 1>to do this, but sometimes we've just got to beable

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<v Speaker 1>as parents. We want to be able to say to

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<v Speaker 1>our kids, I'm getting upset about this, but my upset isn't.

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<v Speaker 3>What really the problem is.

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<v Speaker 1>So whenever we get angry, it comes Anger is a

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<v Speaker 1>secondary emotion, It comes from somewhere else, and the main

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<v Speaker 1>places that it comes from when we're parenting, there are others,

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<v Speaker 1>but the main two places it comes from are either

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<v Speaker 1>fear or sadness. In this case, I don't think that

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<v Speaker 1>it's sadness so much. I think it's probably fear. And

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<v Speaker 1>what would it sound like if you said to your daughter, sweetheart,

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<v Speaker 1>I am I don't know how to say this properly,

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<v Speaker 1>but I am I'm terrified of seeing my little girl

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<v Speaker 1>growing up and wearing these kinds of clothing because of

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<v Speaker 1>what it means. I mean, if you could be that

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<v Speaker 1>vulnerable with her and sit with her and hug her

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<v Speaker 1>and say, I'm losing my little baby girl. You're getting

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<v Speaker 1>so big and I'm scared about what that means, and

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<v Speaker 1>then you can step into this really nice conversation which

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<v Speaker 1>kind of goes back to what I was saying a

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<v Speaker 1>little bit earlier in the show with Christian. These three

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<v Speaker 1>ease of effective discipline where we explore, we explain, and

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<v Speaker 1>we empower. We say, so, why is it that you

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<v Speaker 1>want to wear this stuff? And here's what I'm concerned about.

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<v Speaker 1>What do you think we can do to find a

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<v Speaker 1>level where we can both feel good. You can feel

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<v Speaker 1>like you look hot or whatever it is that your look,

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<v Speaker 1>but I can feel satisfied that you're protecting your virtual

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<v Speaker 1>modesty or whatever it is that you're trying to instill

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<v Speaker 1>in her from a value's point of view, that counsation.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, I'm not going to guarantee that you're going

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<v Speaker 1>to get a perfect outcome, but it's going to be

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<v Speaker 1>much more successful than for crying out loud. I've told

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<v Speaker 1>you a thousand times stop wearing those clothes.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, help, does that make sense?

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<v Speaker 6>Yeah, that's very good. Thinks so much. I appreciate that.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah, it's a question. We have a lot at the Momentissa,

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<v Speaker 5>I feel for you. Thank you very much, according and hope.

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<v Speaker 4>Thank you all right.

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<v Speaker 3>This has been brilliant to Justin Coleson.

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<v Speaker 5>If people want to find out more, obviously they can

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<v Speaker 5>go on nine now and watch Parental Guidance, which I

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<v Speaker 5>highly recommend it.

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<v Speaker 3>It's brilliant.

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<v Speaker 5>Where else can they find You'll find out more about

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<v Speaker 5>what you've been talking about. I love the stuff about

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<v Speaker 5>connection before direction. Where can they find out more?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 1>Thanks Christian. I'm on Facebook. Dr Justin Courson's Happy Families.

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<v Speaker 1>We've got the number one podcast in the country. Dr

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<v Speaker 1>Justin Courson's Happy Families for parenting and family stuff and

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<v Speaker 1>my website Happy families dot com dot you.

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<v Speaker 4>Thank you.

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<v Speaker 3>Going to lauch my own parents in one today called

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<v Speaker 3>damn those kids. I like the family.

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<v Speaker 5>That is this show really, doctor justin thank you very

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<v Speaker 5>much for joining us.

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<v Speaker 3>You've been great this morning. Thank you.

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<v Speaker 1>Awesome to be with you. Thanks so much. Brighter Now

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<v Speaker 1>you're listening to the Christian O Carl's Show podcast