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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Christian O'Connell show podcast.

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Speaker 2: On the show right now, taking your questions next dot

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Speaker 2: to Justin Coulson from Channel nine's Parental Guidance if you've

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Speaker 2: missed it finished this week, but it's all a bit

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Speaker 2: of a watch on demand on nine now, Doctor Justin,

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Speaker 2: you good to take some calls?

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Speaker 3: Now, let's play. Okay, I like that, Andrew.

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Speaker 4: Good morning morning Christian.

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Speaker 3: All right, what is your question for Dr Justin Colson

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Speaker 3: this morning?

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Speaker 4: Morning, Doctor Justin. I have a quick question. I've had preteen.

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Speaker 4: Tony's twelve years old, and he is fairly well defiant, Like,

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Speaker 4: for example, you know, no matter what you say to him, well,

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Speaker 4: he will basically try to catch her out on the

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Speaker 4: technicality on anything like if you give him, if you

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Speaker 4: try to take his screen time away, if you like

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Speaker 4: his technology time, He'll jump from one device to the

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Speaker 4: next and try to catch you out at every earn

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Speaker 4: to sort of get your own way. I don't know

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Speaker 4: if there's a better way to put that question.

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Speaker 1: It's exhausting. You got when you've got kids that know everything,

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Speaker 1: won't listen, just want to live their own lives, and

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Speaker 1: you think, hang on, you're part of a family. Here,

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Speaker 1: we're part of a conversation about how to get things done.

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Speaker 1: So I reckon there's a couple of things going on

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Speaker 1: in circumstances like this. First off, imagine your relationship with

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Speaker 1: your kids like a bucket, and you can have one

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Speaker 1: of two things in the bucket. You can have air,

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Speaker 1: which is pointless, or you can have water. So the

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Speaker 1: water is connection, the air is correction and direction. And

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Speaker 1: most of the time when parents come to me with

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Speaker 1: these kinds of challenges, especially with those sort of tween

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Speaker 1: to early teen years, what's going on is we're walking

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Speaker 1: around with buckets full of air. There's no water in there.

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Speaker 1: That is, we're constantly giving our kids correction and direction,

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Speaker 1: and we're not actually spending time in connection. It's like, hey, mate,

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Speaker 1: you need to do this. Why haven't you done this?

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Speaker 1: I asked you to this fifteen times. What's going on

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Speaker 1: with you? You never listen to this? That get off

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Speaker 1: your damn screen. I'm sick of talking to you about this.

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Speaker 1: And so correction and direction becomes the the foundation of

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Speaker 1: our lives and as adults, if we were in a

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Speaker 1: relationship with someone that just constantly told us what to

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Speaker 1: do all the time, we kind of stopped listening, and

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Speaker 1: we'd look for any opportunity to get away from the

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Speaker 1: person constantly correcting and directing. Therefore, what I would suggest

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Speaker 1: for any parent who's got any kind of antagonism in

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Speaker 1: their relationship with their kids is go back to basics.

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Speaker 1: Like when they were little, we never told them what

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Speaker 1: to do.

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Speaker 3: We just loved them.

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Speaker 1: We'd get on the floor and roll around them and

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Speaker 1: play and connect, connect, connect. But the older they get,

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Speaker 1: the less of that we do, which means that we

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Speaker 1: keep on taking water out of the bucket. I'd be

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Speaker 1: looking at things like Saturday mornings, let's go for a

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Speaker 1: walk down to our favorite cafe and buy a chocolate

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Speaker 1: milkshake and talk with no agenda. Go for a camp

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Speaker 1: once a month or every once a term or something

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Speaker 1: like that, just for a night or two nights. Go

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Speaker 1: overnight camping. Look for ways that you can connect. Go

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Speaker 1: for a bike ride, walk the dog, go and kick

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Speaker 1: a footy, throw a netball, whatever it is that you

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Speaker 1: and your kids do. Get that sort of stuff going,

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Speaker 1: and then over time, I mean it's taken twelve years

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Speaker 1: for the relationship to deteriorate to where it is. It's

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Speaker 1: not going to reinstate itself within twelve minutes of connection.

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Speaker 1: But if you sit down and watch a funny movie

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Speaker 1: and talk about all the all the funniest lines, you

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Speaker 1: do that consistently for three weeks, four weeks, six weeks,

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Speaker 1: twelve weeks, and all of a sudden you can sit

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Speaker 1: down and have a proper conversation where you say, hey, buddy,

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Speaker 1: we're still having a whole lot of fights about this

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Speaker 1: and that. What do you reckon we should do? And

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Speaker 1: and all of a sudden he's happy to hear you

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Speaker 1: because the relationship is more connection rather than correction and direction.

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Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, awesome, sound much fun. Yeah, it sounds like

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Speaker 4: a big starting point like it's been a it's been

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Speaker 4: a struggle.

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Speaker 3: So yeah, yeah, it is. It is.

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Speaker 5: It's really hard made. But I love that, doctor Johnston.

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Speaker 5: I think the difference between connection direction. You're right so

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Speaker 5: many times in that flashpoint you will go towards direction.

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Speaker 5: Don't do this, do that, or think that was actually

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Speaker 5: when you step back, and it's so hard when it's

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Speaker 5: all going so quickly. And I've been in that situation

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Speaker 5: at you and Andrew, where there's so much smarter, way

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Speaker 5: smarter than we were at twelve, and you're right. When

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Speaker 5: they start applying logic back to you, I actually get overwhelmed.

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Speaker 5: I actually don't know what to say. You need to

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Speaker 5: take five minutes out sometimes to say, look, I just

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Speaker 5: need to slow everything down.

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Speaker 3: It's just too much. They're overwhelming you, aren't they.

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Speaker 4: Dear, that's definitely damn these kids.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to call my book. I think that's quite

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Speaker 3: what doctor Justin was saying.

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Speaker 5: Wow, it's what this doctors said Street doctor Android, Thank

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Speaker 5: you very much, Cool Justin.

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Speaker 3: That was really good. I love the stuff about.

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Speaker 5: Connection and direction, I think, and there'll be a lot

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Speaker 5: of mums and dads that have got something from that.

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Speaker 3: We got to have for one more Melissa.

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Speaker 6: Good morning, Oh, good morning to doctor. I just had

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Speaker 6: a question regards my teen daughter. I'm just trying to

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Speaker 6: work out how how do I go about speaking to

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Speaker 6: her about age appropriate dress. Given their teenage, girls see.

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Speaker 4: A lot of.

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Speaker 6: Inappropriate probably for their age clothing on TikTok and Instagram

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Speaker 6: and things like that, so normally issues as well, but

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Speaker 6: I'm just trying to say what can I say?

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Speaker 1: Well, So, as a father of six girls and having

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Speaker 1: raised four teenagers already, I feel your pain.

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Speaker 3: That's the first thing those kids. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: The second thing that I want to say, and I

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Speaker 1: think it applies to all of us as parents. And

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Speaker 1: I don't know whether you were like this or not,

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Speaker 1: but I hear a comment like that, and I think,

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Speaker 1: what was I like when I was a teenager. I

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Speaker 1: don't know if you ever gave your parents a bit

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Speaker 1: of a hard time about what you were and weren't

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Speaker 1: allowed to wear. But as I think about what you've

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Speaker 1: said and what Andrew our previous callers said, sometimes I

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Speaker 1: think it's hard to parent than me out of my kids, yes,

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Speaker 1: because they're just doing so much of what we did

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Speaker 1: and so much what all the other kids are doing now.

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Speaker 1: In terms of this specific conversation around dress, the first

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Speaker 1: thing that I want to suggest is it's really hard

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Speaker 1: to do this, but sometimes we've just got to beable

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Speaker 1: as parents. We want to be able to say to

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Speaker 1: our kids, I'm getting upset about this, but my upset isn't.

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Speaker 3: What really the problem is.

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Speaker 1: So whenever we get angry, it comes Anger is a

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Speaker 1: secondary emotion, It comes from somewhere else, and the main

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Speaker 1: places that it comes from when we're parenting, there are others,

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Speaker 1: but the main two places it comes from are either

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Speaker 1: fear or sadness. In this case, I don't think that

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Speaker 1: it's sadness so much. I think it's probably fear. And

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Speaker 1: what would it sound like if you said to your daughter, sweetheart,

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Speaker 1: I am I don't know how to say this properly,

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Speaker 1: but I am I'm terrified of seeing my little girl

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Speaker 1: growing up and wearing these kinds of clothing because of

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Speaker 1: what it means. I mean, if you could be that

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Speaker 1: vulnerable with her and sit with her and hug her

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Speaker 1: and say, I'm losing my little baby girl. You're getting

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Speaker 1: so big and I'm scared about what that means, and

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Speaker 1: then you can step into this really nice conversation which

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Speaker 1: kind of goes back to what I was saying a

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Speaker 1: little bit earlier in the show with Christian. These three

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Speaker 1: ease of effective discipline where we explore, we explain, and

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Speaker 1: we empower. We say, so, why is it that you

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Speaker 1: want to wear this stuff? And here's what I'm concerned about.

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Speaker 1: What do you think we can do to find a

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Speaker 1: level where we can both feel good. You can feel

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Speaker 1: like you look hot or whatever it is that your look,

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Speaker 1: but I can feel satisfied that you're protecting your virtual

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Speaker 1: modesty or whatever it is that you're trying to instill

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Speaker 1: in her from a value's point of view, that counsation.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not going to guarantee that you're going

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Speaker 1: to get a perfect outcome, but it's going to be

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Speaker 1: much more successful than for crying out loud. I've told

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Speaker 1: you a thousand times stop wearing those clothes.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, help, does that make sense?

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Speaker 6: Yeah, that's very good. Thinks so much. I appreciate that.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, it's a question. We have a lot at the Momentissa,

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Speaker 5: I feel for you. Thank you very much, according and hope.

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Speaker 4: Thank you all right.

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Speaker 3: This has been brilliant to Justin Coleson.

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Speaker 5: If people want to find out more, obviously they can

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Speaker 5: go on nine now and watch Parental Guidance, which I

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Speaker 5: highly recommend it.

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Speaker 3: It's brilliant.

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Speaker 5: Where else can they find You'll find out more about

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Speaker 5: what you've been talking about. I love the stuff about

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Speaker 5: connection before direction. Where can they find out more?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Thanks Christian. I'm on Facebook. Dr Justin Courson's Happy Families.

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Speaker 1: We've got the number one podcast in the country. Dr

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Speaker 1: Justin Courson's Happy Families for parenting and family stuff and

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Speaker 1: my website Happy families dot com dot you.

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Speaker 4: Thank you.

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Speaker 3: Going to lauch my own parents in one today called

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Speaker 3: damn those kids. I like the family.

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Speaker 5: That is this show really, doctor justin thank you very

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Speaker 5: much for joining us.

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Speaker 3: You've been great this morning. Thank you.

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Speaker 1: Awesome to be with you. Thanks so much. Brighter Now

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Speaker 1: you're listening to the Christian O Carl's Show podcast