1
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:08,240
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the

2
00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:15,000
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now, Welcome to

3
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,520
Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast. I'm doctor Justin Colson. So excited

4
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,680
Speaker 1: to answer your questions or you need to do to

5
00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:23,320
Speaker 1: submit your question about how to make your family happier

6
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:27,280
Speaker 1: is go to happy families dot com dot au scroll

7
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:30,160
Speaker 1: down to where it says podcasts, push the record button,

8
00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:34,880
Speaker 1: start talking. Literally that simple. Submit your questions at happy

9
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:38,760
Speaker 1: families dot com dot au today. Only one question today

10
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:41,960
Speaker 1: comes from an anonymous listener who says our teenager has

11
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,880
Speaker 1: a very different outlook on life to me. She gets

12
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,800
Speaker 1: good grades, has great friends, and is involved in sport

13
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,040
Speaker 1: and music. She's happy to coast through her life, though

14
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:52,839
Speaker 1: she doesn't aim high as I did, but rather is

15
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:55,920
Speaker 1: happy with good enough in all aspects of her life.

16
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,960
Speaker 1: She says she just wants to be happy and get

17
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,960
Speaker 1: an okay job. Her words. Should I be thankful that

18
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,520
Speaker 1: she has a balanced outlook on life or be pushing

19
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:08,360
Speaker 1: her to achieve more as she's so academically capable. Part

20
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,959
Speaker 1: two of the question a chores a chance to tune

21
00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:14,520
Speaker 1: out or should that be present during chores? My husband

22
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,680
Speaker 1: often wears EarPods when he's doing chores, even in our kitchen,

23
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,679
Speaker 1: cooking or tidying up. It bugs me. The rest of

24
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,720
Speaker 1: our family are in the same space, often trying to

25
00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,400
Speaker 1: connect in a casual way. But he says he's doing

26
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,360
Speaker 1: enough by helping at home and should be able to

27
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,240
Speaker 1: listen to whatever he wants while he's in the kitchen,

28
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,600
Speaker 1: maybe your podcast. Sometimes he gets very cranky when I

29
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,920
Speaker 1: politely ask him to remove them when he's inside with us.

30
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:38,640
Speaker 1: Any advice, Okay, love both of these questions. Let's start

31
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,160
Speaker 1: with the cruzy teen who's happy, go lucky and just

32
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,360
Speaker 1: doesn't seem to want to put the effort in. I

33
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,520
Speaker 1: have a couple of ideas around here that might be useful.

34
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,800
Speaker 1: What I'm hearing when I listen to this question is

35
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,080
Speaker 1: a parent who has climbed, I don't know, forty maybe

36
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,600
Speaker 1: fifty runs on the ladder of life. If each rung

37
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,760
Speaker 1: represents a year of your life, you're climbing up and

38
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:58,280
Speaker 1: up and up, and obviously the higher you go, the

39
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,800
Speaker 1: better your perspective. You can see more. You can see

40
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:02,760
Speaker 1: past the forest, you can see through the woods, you

41
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,480
Speaker 1: can see around corners and through the shadows. You know

42
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,320
Speaker 1: what's coming, and as a parent who loves your children

43
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,119
Speaker 1: very much, you're invested in them making the best decisions

44
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,120
Speaker 1: possible to find their way through this journey of life

45
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,280
Speaker 1: in the most effective, efficient and successful way possible that

46
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:22,440
Speaker 1: makes sense. Of course, force creates resistance, and anyone who's

47
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,680
Speaker 1: ever raised a teen or being a team knows that

48
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,760
Speaker 1: most teens don't love parents being on their case and

49
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,359
Speaker 1: telling them what to do. So you've got the situation

50
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,080
Speaker 1: where you want the very best for your child, your

51
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,960
Speaker 1: child wants the very best for themselves, but they think

52
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,440
Speaker 1: that they know better, and you're now trying to tell

53
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,600
Speaker 1: them that in spite of their limited view and your

54
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:43,600
Speaker 1: wonderful view, and you're trying to talk to them. The

55
00:02:43,639 --> 00:02:45,400
Speaker 1: difficulty is they don't know how good the view is

56
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,120
Speaker 1: from where you are. They can only see the view

57
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,520
Speaker 1: from where they are, and it's never been better than

58
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,320
Speaker 1: it is right now for them. They see you as old,

59
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,840
Speaker 1: out of touch, at least a generation older than them.

60
00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:56,560
Speaker 1: In fact, most of them think that we were born

61
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,600
Speaker 1: well over a generation before them. Despite the math's not

62
00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:03,800
Speaker 1: working out, And so there's this conflict, this tension that

63
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,520
Speaker 1: makes it really hard. Where do you go with this well,

64
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,080
Speaker 1: I think the most important thing to remember, given that

65
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:12,400
Speaker 1: force creates resistance, is that the harder you work to

66
00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,440
Speaker 1: take away your autonomy, the more you work to convince them,

67
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,520
Speaker 1: the more they'll push back. Like I said, force creates resistance.

68
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:22,600
Speaker 1: There's an old couplet that said one convinced against their

69
00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:26,600
Speaker 1: will is of the same opinion. Still, you can have

70
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,799
Speaker 1: every conversation out of the sun, you can talk into

71
00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,960
Speaker 1: your blue in the face. But until your daughter buys

72
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,560
Speaker 1: into it and starts to have that perspective taking moment,

73
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,600
Speaker 1: it's not going to happen. Everything that your child does

74
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,160
Speaker 1: makes sense to them, even if it doesn't make sense

75
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,200
Speaker 1: to you, And that perspective taking is very, very challenging.

76
00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:47,240
Speaker 1: Getting them to take yours is even harder. As a

77
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:51,160
Speaker 1: dad of a couple of twenty somethings now three twenty somethings, now,

78
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,960
Speaker 1: I can tell you how refreshing and how delightful it

79
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,800
Speaker 1: is when they say to you, I really appreciate what

80
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,480
Speaker 1: you were trying to tell me six or seven or

81
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,800
Speaker 1: eight years ago. I get it now, I can see it.

82
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,120
Speaker 1: But when they're going through their adolescent years, they just

83
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,600
Speaker 1: can't see it, and it's infuriating. Okay, So here's where

84
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:10,560
Speaker 1: we go with this. Conversations need to be consensual. That is, hey,

85
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,760
Speaker 1: I've been thinking about this thing. Would you be open

86
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,440
Speaker 1: to having a milkshake with me and chatting with me

87
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,360
Speaker 1: about it a bit. This is not an explorer explained

88
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,080
Speaker 1: in power conversation as much as it's two people trying

89
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:24,400
Speaker 1: to wrestle around with some tricky things. And I find

90
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:29,040
Speaker 1: that a useful framing can be upside downside. In other words,

91
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,640
Speaker 1: let's say you've got two opposing views. You say to

92
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,520
Speaker 1: your child, Okay, your view is this, you want to

93
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:39,360
Speaker 1: cruise through life. You've got this nice balanced out look

94
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,719
Speaker 1: you find having a I don't know, a minimum wage

95
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,880
Speaker 1: job and just doing enough. I get it. It's really appealing,

96
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:49,120
Speaker 1: especially especially when you're a teenager looking at things and

97
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:52,400
Speaker 1: looking at all the stress that school can create. What's

98
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,760
Speaker 1: the upside here? And so get them to explore the

99
00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:57,080
Speaker 1: upside with you. They'll talk about how nice it feels

100
00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:00,000
Speaker 1: to be relaxed, and how everything's probably going to work out,

101
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:02,440
Speaker 1: and they come from a good family, like the upside

102
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,640
Speaker 1: is really apparent to them, and then you can talk

103
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,800
Speaker 1: to them about the downside. That's the next question, what's

104
00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:10,680
Speaker 1: the downside to you making these choices? If they're willing

105
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,920
Speaker 1: to be honest with you, they will acknowledge that there

106
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:19,080
Speaker 1: are several pitfalls to this approach. Nevertheless, there are also

107
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,720
Speaker 1: I mean, the upside's real and this is the great challenge, right.

108
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,280
Speaker 1: I mean, I was a high school failure. I scored

109
00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:27,240
Speaker 1: on the bottom fifteen percent of New South Wales in

110
00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:30,080
Speaker 1: my HSC and it wasn't until I was twenty seven

111
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,640
Speaker 1: years of age, married with a mortgage, a couple of

112
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,120
Speaker 1: kids that I went back to school and literally turned

113
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,400
Speaker 1: my life around. So if they do want a cruise,

114
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,440
Speaker 1: there is still the potential that that can change later

115
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:43,040
Speaker 1: in life. It's just that the numbers are against them.

116
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:46,160
Speaker 1: The probability is lower and lower the older they get. Nevertheless,

117
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:49,720
Speaker 1: there's an upside downside conversation looking at their choices. Then

118
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,400
Speaker 1: you can spin around and say, well, let's have a

119
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,080
Speaker 1: look at it from my perspective, what's the upside to

120
00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:57,680
Speaker 1: working really hard at school and perhaps having a little

121
00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:01,680
Speaker 1: bit more get up and go, And then what's the downside.

122
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:07,120
Speaker 1: Once you've had that conversation, hopefully your child will walk

123
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:10,560
Speaker 1: away and start to contemplate the discussion. I guarantee you

124
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,960
Speaker 1: they're not going to look at you and say, well,

125
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,000
Speaker 1: this has changed everything. I'm so motivated, inspired, I'm ready

126
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,360
Speaker 1: to go right now. Thank you so much for doing that.

127
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,200
Speaker 1: That won't happen. What does happen, though, is kids go

128
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,880
Speaker 1: away and they think about stuff, and little by little

129
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,240
Speaker 1: attitudes can shift, not all the time, but sometimes. And

130
00:06:26,279 --> 00:06:29,200
Speaker 1: I think this is probably going to be your best bet. Ultimately,

131
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,720
Speaker 1: who we are as models is going to be more

132
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:35,640
Speaker 1: predictive of who our children become than anything else. It

133
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,320
Speaker 1: takes a real concerted effort on the part of our

134
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:42,040
Speaker 1: children to buck the trend or buck the conditioning and

135
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:46,160
Speaker 1: the socialization that we've given them. Some do, but if

136
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,320
Speaker 1: we can maintain those good relationships and support our kids,

137
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,360
Speaker 1: they'll usually be fine. I think there's one more thing

138
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,200
Speaker 1: I'd add, and that is just to find that thing

139
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:58,400
Speaker 1: your child might not be particularly motivated because for many children,

140
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,560
Speaker 1: and I say this with no disrespect of people working

141
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,400
Speaker 1: in education, but for many kids' school really does suck.

142
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:07,000
Speaker 1: They just they hate it and they don't see an

143
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:11,680
Speaker 1: academic element to their futures. I had a student at

144
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,200
Speaker 1: a school in Brisbane Just last week, when I was

145
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,720
Speaker 1: giving a talk about year eleven, year twelve and what

146
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,720
Speaker 1: to expect and how to do well and what options

147
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,400
Speaker 1: they have, I had a student put up his hand

148
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,040
Speaker 1: and said, he said, I just don't understand why I

149
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,640
Speaker 1: have to do the maths that I have to do,

150
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:28,360
Speaker 1: given that I'm never going to do maths again once

151
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,360
Speaker 1: i leave high school, certainly not this kind of maths.

152
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:33,680
Speaker 1: What's the point? And this is a legitimate question that

153
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,080
Speaker 1: a lot of kids are asking. This doesn't seem relevant

154
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:39,760
Speaker 1: at all. And that's why I think there's real value

155
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,080
Speaker 1: in finding the thing that lights them up and finding

156
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,960
Speaker 1: the thing that they can really orient themselves towards and

157
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,840
Speaker 1: move forward in that direction. Because then, well, if that

158
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,920
Speaker 1: maths is necessary to get there because they want to

159
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,040
Speaker 1: go to UNI, more power to them. They're going to

160
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,640
Speaker 1: get in there and do it. And if it's not

161
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,920
Speaker 1: because they have different plans, then they can have that

162
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,120
Speaker 1: a more relaxed approach. They can have an alternative approach

163
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:10,720
Speaker 1: because they've found the thing that really does it for them.

164
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,600
Speaker 1: Now let's step into part two about a husband in

165
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:20,240
Speaker 1: the kitchen using his EarPods rather than participating in the

166
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:24,400
Speaker 1: family discussion This one really frustrates me. I totally get

167
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,000
Speaker 1: where you're coming from this one. It's one of those

168
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:32,040
Speaker 1: situations where it's totally understandable that you'd feel bugged by

169
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:36,480
Speaker 1: your husband's epod habit. When you feel disconnected from your

170
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:40,400
Speaker 1: husband or partner and you're sharing the same space, it's frustrating,

171
00:08:40,559 --> 00:08:43,720
Speaker 1: and it makes sense that you would crave those casual

172
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,160
Speaker 1: moments of connection because that's what we all do, That's

173
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,840
Speaker 1: how most of us are wired. Now here's what I

174
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,800
Speaker 1: want to recommend. It's important to understand his perspective. It

175
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,840
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you're necessarily going to accept it, but

176
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,920
Speaker 1: it's important to understand where he's coming from. When I

177
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:05,439
Speaker 1: hear your perspective, his response seems dismissive. However, it's possible

178
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,719
Speaker 1: that your husband is using his EarPods as a way

179
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,080
Speaker 1: to create a sense of personal space and decompress while

180
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:15,079
Speaker 1: still making a contribution to what needs to happen at home. Now,

181
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,960
Speaker 1: you and I both agree that he's got his priorities

182
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,320
Speaker 1: around the wrong way. It's actually about involvement. It's not

183
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,960
Speaker 1: about helping that is, it's about being together and having

184
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,080
Speaker 1: that casual connection more than it's about getting the dishes

185
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,520
Speaker 1: dried and put away. A lot of people, though, find

186
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,840
Speaker 1: listening to musical podcasts really soothing and it can help

187
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,520
Speaker 1: them focus on mundane chores. I think, though, that it's

188
00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:38,920
Speaker 1: important that he understands that his choice is impacting your

189
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,360
Speaker 1: ability and the ability of the kids to connect with him.

190
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,600
Speaker 1: And that's ultimately what this is about. The task is

191
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:49,440
Speaker 1: the vehicle to connection. It's not the purpose of the ride.

192
00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:51,920
Speaker 1: The whole idea is that we're spending time together. Every

193
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,400
Speaker 1: night in our family, we have all in and that

194
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,360
Speaker 1: means everyone comes into the kitchen and they help with

195
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,840
Speaker 1: the dishes and the clearing of the table, and the

196
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,880
Speaker 1: sweeping or the vacuuming of the mopping of the floor.

197
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:03,720
Speaker 1: We're all in there together for ten, fifteen, twenty minutes

198
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,800
Speaker 1: getting the job done. And it's about togetherness. It's not

199
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,400
Speaker 1: actually about the task though. It's about the conversations. It's

200
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,520
Speaker 1: about the laughter. It's about the continued discussion from the

201
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,960
Speaker 1: kitchen table. So what do you do about it? I

202
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,280
Speaker 1: think there's a couple of things. Number one, what's his

203
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,480
Speaker 1: expectation of the kids They allowed to have their headphones

204
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,320
Speaker 1: in as well. Is he fine with that or is

205
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:28,439
Speaker 1: that not okay? Because consistency is important more than anything, though,

206
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,080
Speaker 1: I think that we've got to communicate really clearly and

207
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:34,079
Speaker 1: really collaboratively. What does that mean. It means probably four things,

208
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,199
Speaker 1: maybe five things. Number one, you've got to choose the

209
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,559
Speaker 1: right time. It's not the right time to have the

210
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,600
Speaker 1: conversation while he's in the middle of cooking or cleaning

211
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,760
Speaker 1: and the EarPods are in. You don't rip about and

212
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,440
Speaker 1: say we need to talk about this. I've had enough.

213
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:46,600
Speaker 1: Really need to find a neutral time when you can

214
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:51,079
Speaker 1: both talk calmly and openly. And while I don't talk

215
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,880
Speaker 1: about this sort of stuff much on the podcast, and

216
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:56,920
Speaker 1: I'm not a huge fan of the quote unquote eye statements,

217
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:02,800
Speaker 1: sometimes they're really helpful. Expressing your feelings using eye statements

218
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:08,120
Speaker 1: gets messages across. So you might say, I feel disconnected

219
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,079
Speaker 1: when you wear your ear pods while we're in the

220
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:13,199
Speaker 1: kitchen together. I miss our casual chats. I miss the

221
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:16,719
Speaker 1: chance to connect with you. You're not blaming him, You're

222
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,959
Speaker 1: not telling him there's anything wrong with him. You're saying

223
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:25,160
Speaker 1: I feel this, I missed that, I want this, And

224
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,040
Speaker 1: what I'm really be working towards is focusing on the positive,

225
00:11:28,559 --> 00:11:30,440
Speaker 1: If you frame your request in terms of what you'd

226
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,360
Speaker 1: like to gain rather than what he's doing wrong, it's

227
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,640
Speaker 1: going to go down much better. An example would be,

228
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:39,160
Speaker 1: I'd love it if we could have earpod free time

229
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,680
Speaker 1: in the evenings while we're making dinner, while we're tidying up,

230
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,800
Speaker 1: because it means so much to me when we have

231
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:46,880
Speaker 1: that time to connect, and the kids love it as well.

232
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,800
Speaker 1: So we're really focusing on the benefit to having the

233
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,480
Speaker 1: ear pods out rather than you're dismissing us. You're ignoring us,

234
00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:57,040
Speaker 1: you're abrogating your responsibilities as a father and a husband.

235
00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,280
Speaker 1: And I think there's also value in considering what a

236
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:04,920
Speaker 1: compromise or negotiation might look like. Maybe he promises to

237
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,720
Speaker 1: just wear one earpod instead of two, or he agrees

238
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:12,520
Speaker 1: that he'll go earpod free at some times but not others.

239
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,200
Speaker 1: I don't know where you'll fall on that, and certainly

240
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:20,080
Speaker 1: i'd struggle with some compromises around this, but maybe some

241
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:24,079
Speaker 1: of those will work for you ultimately. Ultimately, I think

242
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,080
Speaker 1: that if he continues to dismiss your feelings, if he

243
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,120
Speaker 1: refuses to talk with you, if there's no willingness at

244
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:35,680
Speaker 1: all to compromise if there's an unwillingness to connect. I

245
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,800
Speaker 1: think that there's boundaries that can be set. You might say,

246
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,240
Speaker 1: I get it. I know that you need personal time.

247
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,800
Speaker 1: We all do. It makes sense you using the EarPods

248
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,640
Speaker 1: in the kitchen is a barrier to the relationship and

249
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:52,120
Speaker 1: that's not acceptable to me. And so therefore you might say,

250
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,640
Speaker 1: I'd rather be in the kitchen with the kids without

251
00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:57,520
Speaker 1: you there, so that we can have time together without

252
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,000
Speaker 1: feeling like we're on eggshells around you because you've go

253
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:05,400
Speaker 1: that the earphones in. Or you might say, I just

254
00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:06,880
Speaker 1: you're going to have to clean up the kitchen on

255
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,680
Speaker 1: your own because we're missing under that connection time and

256
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,240
Speaker 1: you can go and do something else with the kids.

257
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,280
Speaker 1: I don't know. I mean, this is where it starts

258
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,080
Speaker 1: to get messy, and I want to tread very carefully

259
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,240
Speaker 1: but sometimes cynically. A boundaries and't just saying I'm an

260
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,800
Speaker 1: adult here and I have feelings too, might be where

261
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,840
Speaker 1: you go. I really think that those other ideas are

262
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,760
Speaker 1: going to be more helpful though, choosing the right time

263
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:28,200
Speaker 1: to communicate using some carefully phrase eye statements, really focusing

264
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,679
Speaker 1: on the positive of having those ear pods out and

265
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:35,840
Speaker 1: trying to compromise if it's necessary. Sometimes, sometimes this type

266
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,800
Speaker 1: of behavior can be a symptom of a larger issue.

267
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:43,280
Speaker 1: Your husband may be consistently withdrawing, consistently being disengaged, and

268
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,080
Speaker 1: if he is, it's probably going to be helpful to

269
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,480
Speaker 1: explore those underlying dynamics. This is where you go and

270
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:52,120
Speaker 1: have couples counseling. It can be a valuable resource for

271
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:58,920
Speaker 1: navigating the challenges and strengthening your connection. Open communication, though,

272
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,599
Speaker 1: mutual respect, willingness to compromise, they're probably going to be

273
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,360
Speaker 1: the best solutions to resolve in this type of conflict.

274
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,880
Speaker 1: I think that by expressing your needs really clearly and respectfully,

275
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,640
Speaker 1: you will be able to create a more connected and

276
00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:13,760
Speaker 1: fulfilling relationship. Good luck, hope it works. Thank you so

277
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,680
Speaker 1: much for the question. If you would like to submit

278
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,520
Speaker 1: a question every Tuesday, I'll do my best to answer

279
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:21,920
Speaker 1: them for you. Happy families dot com dot A. You

280
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:25,600
Speaker 1: go to the super simple system on the homepage where

281
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:29,000
Speaker 1: it says podcasts Just clip the record button, start talking.

282
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,360
Speaker 1: That's all you've got to do. The Happy Families podcast

283
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,080
Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. If you'd

284
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,240
Speaker 1: like more information about making your family happier. Love it

285
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,400
Speaker 1: would just love it if you join us on our

286
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:42,920
Speaker 1: social media pages at happy families dot com dot au