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Speaker 1: I got to tell you, I'm getting a little thrill

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Speaker 1: to welcome back to super Soul world renowned clinical psychologist,

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Speaker 1: parenting expert, New York Times bestselling author, doctor Shafari.

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Speaker 2: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. What if the

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Speaker 2: key to raising emotionally healthy children is not about perfecting

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Speaker 2: our parenting techniques, but rather, it's about transforming ourselves First,

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Speaker 2: Doctor Shafari Sabari has revolutionized how millions of parents around

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Speaker 2: the world think about raising children. Doctor Safari Sabari is

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Speaker 2: a clinical psychologist, best selling author, and one of Oprah's

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Speaker 2: super sole one hundred teachers. Doctor Sfari brings together Eastern

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Speaker 2: mindfulness and Western psychology to help parents break free from

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Speaker 2: reactive patterns and create conscious, connected relationships with their kids.

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Speaker 2: And she's heading to a Australia again in the next

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Speaker 2: few weeks to speak directly with parents. Today, we're diving

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Speaker 2: into her powerful approach to conscious parenting, what it really means,

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Speaker 2: why it works, how it can transform your family. Stay

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Speaker 2: with us, Doctor Shafari. Next, Gooday, Welcome to the Happy

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Speaker 2: Families Podcast, where you get real parenting solutions every single day.

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Speaker 2: The Happy Families Podcast is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.

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Speaker 2: So glad you've joined me today for a really special guest,

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Speaker 2: doctor Shafari Sabari, who's coming to Australia. We'll put all

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Speaker 2: the details in the show notes, but let me quickly

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Speaker 2: fill you in March eleven and March twelve. Melbourne March

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Speaker 2: eleven you can catch doctor Safari and Sydney March twelve.

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Speaker 2: All the details are at her website events dot doctor

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Speaker 2: Schefari dot com, slash Australia. Like I said, I'll put

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Speaker 2: the details in the show notes. Doctor Shafari is one

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Speaker 2: of my favorite people to chat to and we've been

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Speaker 2: having far too long the conversation off air about everything

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Speaker 2: parenting and everything writing and doctor Shafari's upc coming visit. Sheffarli,

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Speaker 2: thanks for joining me on the pod.

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Speaker 3: Thank you for having me so excited.

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Speaker 2: That you're coming to Australia. I wanted to start off

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Speaker 2: a little bit differently today with a lightning round because

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Speaker 2: you're this conscious parent, You're this guru of mingling the

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Speaker 2: Eastern philosophies with Western psychology. Everyone always feels enlightened and

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Speaker 2: elevated when they're around you. And yet, as I've gotten

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Speaker 2: to know you a little bit. I've gotten to know

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Speaker 2: your humanity, your human nurse, i should say, and it's

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Speaker 2: just indeared me to you even more. Like seeing you

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Speaker 2: as a person rather than as this guru on the

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Speaker 2: TV just makes you so much more fun to be around.

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Speaker 2: So I want to start with a lightning round where

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Speaker 2: people can get to know you just a little bit more.

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Speaker 2: A couple of personal questions without notice. I'm just going

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Speaker 2: to fire them at you. Hit me with your answers

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Speaker 2: as briefly as you can. Are you feeling okay about this?

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Speaker 2: You're looking nervous.

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Speaker 3: No, I'm ready for you.

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Speaker 2: Just what's one parenting rule that you broke with your

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Speaker 2: own daughter that you're kind of glad you actually broke.

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Speaker 3: Wow? Well, you know, for the longest time I lived

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Speaker 3: by this rule that I couldn't show my weakness. I

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Speaker 3: couldn't show my vulnerability because I needed to be strong

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Speaker 3: for her and I never wanted her to take care

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Speaker 3: of me.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 3: I teach parents, you know, take care of yourself, heal yourself.

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Speaker 3: Don't let your daughter or your son become your therapist

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Speaker 3: or your best friend or you know, they are not

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Speaker 3: here for that. And then very recently My daughter is

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Speaker 3: now almost twenty three. I literally like, let that fly

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Speaker 3: out the window, and I broke down and I kind

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Speaker 3: of vented to her about something personal in my life,

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Speaker 3: and I told her to kind of like what kind

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Speaker 3: of advice will you give me? And I did it

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Speaker 3: kind of in a desperate way, which is so against

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Speaker 3: my ethos, and in a weird way, it kind of

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Speaker 3: humanized me to her and made her kind of feel

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Speaker 3: like she gets to be doctor Maya and you know,

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Speaker 3: help me in a real way. It kind of worked. Now.

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Speaker 3: I wouldn't do it again if she was younger, even

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Speaker 3: seeing how well it worked. I think there's a time

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Speaker 3: and place, and I am shocked how much it worked.

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Speaker 3: But I don't want to advocate other people doing this.

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Speaker 3: I think there's a time and space. But it really

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Speaker 3: worked for me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that. If you could uninvent one piece

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Speaker 2: of advice that's done the most damage, what would it be.

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Speaker 3: I think people misunderstand this whole kind of validate your children, yes,

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Speaker 3: and then we overdo it and now we've created fragility.

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Speaker 3: And I want to scream when people do that, because

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Speaker 3: and they mistake conscious parenting, which I'm known for to

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Speaker 3: be this kind of overly validating, overly gentle kind of approach.

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Speaker 3: But they've messed it all up in their heads and

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Speaker 3: they've confused it to mean over permissiveness, and we overvalidate

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Speaker 3: to the point of condoning bad behavior, yeah.

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Speaker 2: Or just letting it slide and sitting in there and saying,

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Speaker 2: I've got to be my child's therapist. I've got to

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Speaker 2: sit down and do all this emotion work with them,

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Speaker 2: and sometimes they don't need that right.

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Speaker 3: Right, or becoming endlessly apathetic and not speaking up for

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Speaker 3: negative behavior. You know, there's a difference between the behavior

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Speaker 3: and the person, and I think we fuse them together

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Speaker 3: and we end up, you know, because we want to

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Speaker 3: validate the human being, we end up validating the negative

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Speaker 3: behavior and actually perpetuating the same.

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Speaker 2: I feel like there's been a backlash as well to

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Speaker 2: that quite damaging advice or that misunderstanding of the advice

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Speaker 2: around validation, and we're hearing about it all the time now.

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Speaker 2: The FAFA style of parenting that seems to have exploded

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Speaker 2: recently f around and find out right where parents are saying, well,

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to be gentle with you, You're just going

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Speaker 2: to do the wrong thing. And you're going to copy

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Speaker 2: it right.

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Speaker 3: So now we're going to the other extreme, back to

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Speaker 3: the traditional run and find out. I'm now sure you

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Speaker 3: who's the boss, and I'll put you in your place.

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Speaker 3: So I think parents are just what this speaks to

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Speaker 3: the spendulum oscillation speaks to me, in my opinion, the

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Speaker 3: inability to attune to the child's essence and behavior in

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Speaker 3: the proportion that is needed right here, right now. So

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Speaker 3: we rely on either apathy and over permissiveness, or we

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Speaker 3: swing the other way and scream and yell and punish.

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Speaker 3: But what you and I teach is really something very

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Speaker 3: attuned and delicate and be conscious in the moment, which

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Speaker 3: is the hardest thing to do, and that's why parents

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Speaker 3: are all over the mat.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, what's a guilty pleasure that you have that would

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Speaker 2: surprise people who know you as this mindful, conscious parenting guru.

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Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 3: I think my books are so poetic, and when I'm writing,

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Speaker 3: I truly enter some flow stage of some poet, and

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Speaker 3: I do write poetry. I write beautifully and eloquently, and

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Speaker 3: then when they come to hear me, the shock that

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Speaker 3: I can cuss and swear like a sailor and oh

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Speaker 3: my goodness, you should see people's devastation. They're like, oh

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Speaker 3: my god, I put you on this pedestal and you

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Speaker 3: are just so regular, and I feel so bad. But

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Speaker 3: sometimes I can swear, and I'm entering a new phase

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Speaker 3: where I'm trying to swear.

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Speaker 2: Less, even more enlightened.

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Speaker 3: YEA to Australia. They may get the more enlightened guru

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Speaker 3: version of me and not my sailor cussing version.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that a lot of Australia lacks

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Speaker 2: are pretty good swear complete this sentence. I know I'm

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Speaker 2: supposed to be above this, but I still judge parents

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Speaker 2: who Oh.

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Speaker 3: I'm judging people all the time. I should be about judging,

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Speaker 3: but I think I judge parents who give in to

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Speaker 3: their kids, you know, social media, and who are on

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Speaker 3: social media a lot when they're parenting. So if I'm

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Speaker 3: into a park or at the airport and they see

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Speaker 3: parents with young kids and they are on social media,

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Speaker 3: even though I need you on social media, but because

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Speaker 3: they have young kids, oh my goodness, I really judge

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Speaker 3: parents who are who are on their screens when their

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Speaker 3: kids are young, even though I understand it and I

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Speaker 3: would probably do it too, but I have a real

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Speaker 3: judgment there, and I know I need to work on

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Speaker 3: that because parenting is so difficult.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it is, So let's talk about parenting. Like I said,

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Speaker 2: you're coming out here to talk about a number of

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Speaker 2: these things. I want to talk about the conscious parenting

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Speaker 2: work that you've been doing for so long now my

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Speaker 2: understanding of it, and I've been through quite a lot

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Speaker 2: of your work now. Conscious parenting means that we've got

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Speaker 2: to do our own inner work and become aware of

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Speaker 2: our own patterns. So there's a lot of self awareness

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Speaker 2: going on here. But a lot of parents are really

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Speaker 2: stretched thin. They're working, they're managing households, they're dealing with

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Speaker 2: their own unprocessed challenges from earlier in their lives, and

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Speaker 2: they're also dealing with the carnage and chaos of raising

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Speaker 2: their own families. How do you respond to parents who say,

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Speaker 2: I barely have time to have a shower, let alone

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Speaker 2: sit down and meditate on my childhood wounds and do

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Speaker 2: the self healing in the inner work that I'm supposed

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Speaker 2: to do so that I can be a good parent. Like,

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Speaker 2: what's the minimum viable threshold of self awareness that can

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Speaker 2: still make a real difference.

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Speaker 3: Just entering the present moment, you know, bringing the attention

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Speaker 3: to the present moment can change everything. Most of us

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Speaker 3: are so busy, but most of our busyness comes from

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Speaker 3: a chaotic mind, a mind that is so distracted and

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Speaker 3: so overstimulated and overscheduled that it's constantly either regretting the

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Speaker 3: past or living in the past, ruminating about what has

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Speaker 3: already happened, or obsessing and worrying about what is going

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Speaker 3: to happen. And that makes life worse, That makes your

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Speaker 3: life more stressed. So I really teach parents the skills

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Speaker 3: to enter the present moment, because if you do, half

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Speaker 3: your stress and half you're like, oh my god, I

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Speaker 3: have no time goes away, working against ourselves by not

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Speaker 3: learning to be present. Conscious parenting is not only about

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Speaker 3: being aware of how you're projecting your own self into

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Speaker 3: your child's lives, but also about how you are not

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Speaker 3: in the present moment. So we all have time to

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Speaker 3: be in the present, because present, the present is where

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Speaker 3: everything is happening. So I dogmatically teach parents how to

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Speaker 3: train their minds to enter the present moment because the

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Speaker 3: reason for their perpetual misery, chaos, and stress is because

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Speaker 3: they are not in the present moment. So you don't

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Speaker 3: have to heal yourself completely. You just have to see

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Speaker 3: yourself in the present, projecting your garbage, your anxieties onto

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Speaker 3: your child. I mean, just today I did it with

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Speaker 3: my daughter and she backed me. She's like, hey, back off, mom,

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Speaker 3: this is a new problem. And the minute she did that,

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Speaker 3: my anxiety evaporated, rebonded, reconnected, and I realized I was

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Speaker 3: creating chaos and I didn't have to. So it's not

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Speaker 3: about healing every wound happened from each five. It's about

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Speaker 3: seeing how it is operating in the present moment, and

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Speaker 3: it's super powerful and super transformation.

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Speaker 2: I love that you said that. Just thinking about what

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Speaker 2: you said right there, I was driving one of my

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Speaker 2: kids to school this morning, my fifteen soon to be

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Speaker 2: sixteen year old, and so much of what she's going

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Speaker 2: through right now I want to personalize. It feels like

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Speaker 2: everything's defensive, everything's in a tag. It's like I can't

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Speaker 2: talk to her without her being really really elevated and agitated.

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Speaker 2: And I raised that with her, and guess what, she

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Speaker 2: got elevated and agitated. She was really upset that I

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Speaker 2: was even raising it. And saying that I didn't know

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Speaker 2: what I was talking about, and I found the whole

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Speaker 2: thing really ironic, and I've been I've been parceling over

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Speaker 2: it all day and listen to what you're saying. Just now,

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Speaker 2: it's kind of like, well, actually, this is not about me.

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Speaker 2: This is about her. And if I can be in

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Speaker 2: the moment the way you're talking about, let go of

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Speaker 2: all of the other stuff, then I'm going to be

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Speaker 2: a much better dad to her. I mean, she got

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Speaker 2: out of the car, she didn't even say goodbye to me,

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Speaker 2: and I was thinking, that's it. I'm not taking to

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Speaker 2: school anymore. I don't want anything to do with her.

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Speaker 2: She's driving me crazy. Which we didn't take a quick break.

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Speaker 2: But after the break, let's talk about ego, because my right,

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Speaker 2: I mean, this is your thing, right, ego played such

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Speaker 2: a big role in the way that interaction with my

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Speaker 2: daughter went poorly today. And I just want to talk

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Speaker 2: a little bit about boundaries because this is another area

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Speaker 2: that parents often will struggle, especially with some of your concepts,

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Speaker 2: and just to give people a sense of what you're

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Speaker 2: going to be talking about when you're here in Australia,

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Speaker 2: I think these topics will be useful, stay with us.

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Speaker 2: Both of those things are coming up next we're back.

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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast with doctor Shafari Sabari Today, Shfali,

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Speaker 2: I love the way they integrate the Eastern philosophy, the

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Speaker 2: mindfulness traditions with Western psychology. But I want to talk

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Speaker 2: about ego for a sex. So when Western parents who

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Speaker 2: are often carrying enormous guilt about getting things wrong like

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Speaker 2: I do this morning, and countside the concepts that you

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Speaker 2: talk about, like ego, dissolution and detachment from outcomes, I

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Speaker 2: mean this is a big one, right, being detached from

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Speaker 2: the outcome. Do you find that they sometimes weaponize these

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Speaker 2: ideas against themselves like I did this morning. Like I'm

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Speaker 2: supposed to be egoless, I'm supposed to be detached from

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Speaker 2: the outcome, but I'm still triggered. And then, like I said,

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Speaker 2: they weaponize it against themselves, so to say, so I'm

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Speaker 2: failing at that as well. Not only can I not

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Speaker 2: detach from the outcome and can I not dissolve my ego?

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Speaker 2: But now I'm failing at everything. How do you help

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Speaker 2: parents to hold these really deep concepts without feeling an articat.

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Speaker 3: So this is what I teach, and just to simplify it,

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Speaker 3: although there's a lot more that goes into it, but

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Speaker 3: just for time. The ego is really our identification with

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Speaker 3: a false self, okay, a self that thinks it's feeling,

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Speaker 3: a self that thinks it's worthless, the self that kind

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Speaker 3: of inserts itself when it shouldn't insert itself.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 3: So, here you are in the car with your sixteen

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Speaker 3: year old daughter, snappy, she's hormonal, she is stressed. Let

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Speaker 3: me tell you this is every girl almost from the

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Speaker 3: age of nine all the way till twenty nine. Okay,

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Speaker 3: just stay away and just deep breath, deep breath. Definitely

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Speaker 3: don't get your ego caught up, which is what you did.

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Speaker 3: You made it personal, and she here is going for

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Speaker 3: her own stressors and she doesn't need you now to

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Speaker 3: begin telling her that the way she's talking is upsetting

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Speaker 3: you because she's already on one hundred. So you inserted

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Speaker 3: yourself instead of deep breath. Let her have her moment.

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Speaker 3: You can reflect back and say, I see that you're

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Speaker 3: not in our mood or space or energy to really

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Speaker 3: now manage my feelings. So I'm just going to step away.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to put my ego on the side. I'm

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Speaker 3: going to put me and my needs on the side

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Speaker 3: and let you be and let her be. And then

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Speaker 3: you did the double whammy of like, oh my god,

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Speaker 3: I am such a bad parent and I am feeling

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Speaker 3: so we do this spinning up out of control with

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Speaker 3: our ego and parenting is such a powerful teacher, especially

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Speaker 3: parenting a team, because you get to see how you

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Speaker 3: keep inserting yourself instead of truly helping them. The best

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Speaker 3: help we can give our children is to either let

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Speaker 3: them have their feelings and then create a reflection so

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Speaker 3: we can reflect to them. I can see that I'm

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Speaker 3: stressing you out. I can see that every time I talk,

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Speaker 3: your shoulders are tensing. You can just reflect in the

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Speaker 3: present moment, and that is so powerful. You're not judging it,

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Speaker 3: You're not asking them to change, You're simply reflecting. You know,

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Speaker 3: I'm getting a sense that every time I breathe, you're

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Speaker 3: having a physical reaction. I can see you grunting, snorting,

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Speaker 3: rolling your eyes. So let's just I'm going to take

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Speaker 3: that as a signal that I need to back away.

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Speaker 3: How respectful, how lovely, as long as we do it

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Speaker 3: without judgment, right, most of us cannot do it without

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Speaker 3: judging because our feelings are getting hurt. But just in,

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Speaker 3: the reflection in the present moment is the greatest therapy

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Speaker 3: and a sign of respect. Listen, I want to respect you,

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Speaker 3: So please tell me when we can talk where I'm

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Speaker 3: not annoying you. You know I think I'm annoying you,

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Speaker 3: So please tell me when, and your child will both

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Speaker 3: be able to self reflect hopefully and self correct, and

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Speaker 3: you don't have to be the bad guy and you

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Speaker 3: don't have to get into the ring with them. And

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Speaker 3: then the second thing about self flagellation, it's really pointless

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Speaker 3: because that's our egos way of saying I should be

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Speaker 3: a better parent, I should have done it differently, but

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Speaker 3: really owning that right now, I don't know how to

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Speaker 3: react right, so we can just say, guess what, I

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Speaker 3: don't know how to deal with the sixteen year old

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Speaker 3: girl and soothing yourself and having compassion with yourself. You

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Speaker 3: are not supposed to know justin, even though you are

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Speaker 3: a parenting expert and.

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Speaker 2: I've done it five times, this is my fifth time through, right.

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Speaker 3: But this is a different this is a different child,

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Speaker 3: this is a different moment, and the best thing I've

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Speaker 3: learned and I help parents with this is and I

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Speaker 3: said it just the other day to my daughter. I

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Speaker 3: am so sorry, I don't know what to do right now.

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Speaker 3: That is so powerful because it's the truth. The ego

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Speaker 3: acts like it should know, but the truth is we

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Speaker 3: don't know. And going to a child, especially after the

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Speaker 3: age of fourteen fifteen, and telling them I really don't

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Speaker 3: know how to react right now, and I would love

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Speaker 3: your health and your guidance. They love that. They because

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Speaker 3: what they don't like is when we act like we

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Speaker 3: should know, and they can sense our ego more than anything.

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Speaker 3: So really getting raw and honest, but staying close to

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Speaker 3: the present moment is the answer is The answer is

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Speaker 3: found in the honesty of the present moment. Hey, I'm

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Speaker 3: seeing that I every time I speak, you seem to

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Speaker 3: not appreciate it or help me, help me What am

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Speaker 3: I getting wrong? Right? How powerful? But staying close to

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Speaker 3: the present.

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Speaker 2: So funny hearing you say this, because A, this is

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Speaker 2: what I teach other parents, and I know this. And

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Speaker 2: be in spite of the fact that I know this

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Speaker 2: and teach other parents this and agree with everything you're saying,

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Speaker 2: that part of me that we're actually talking about is

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Speaker 2: still saying yeah, yeah, yeah, but you should have done

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Speaker 2: better because you do know better. Like it's so powerful,

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Speaker 2: isn't it? The way that it pushes through and creates

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Speaker 2: that response really really impactful. I love love listening to you.

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Speaker 2: I needed this session today. I mean, this podcast was

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Speaker 2: not about me, but thank you so much for making

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Speaker 2: it about me. I want to ask just one more question.

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Speaker 2: It's something that parents struggle with so much, and your

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Speaker 2: framing on it is quite similar to mine. So I

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Speaker 2: often say to parents that parenting is about parents. If

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Speaker 2: it was about children, we'd call it children ing. So

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Speaker 2: one of your selfle ideas is that children are our

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Speaker 2: greatest teachers, and as we learn from them, we can

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Speaker 2: become better people ourselves, we can heal ourselves. But there's

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Speaker 2: also a bit of tension there because parents need to

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Speaker 2: provide structures and boundaries and leadership, Like we can't just

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Speaker 2: follow our children's lead. This taps into what you're saying before,

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Speaker 2: with one of our greatest mistakes being that we validate

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Speaker 2: our kids too much and we've gone too far into

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Speaker 2: that gentle side of things. So how do you help

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Speaker 2: parents to navigate that tension where our children are being

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Speaker 2: resistant or difficult, and that could be a mirror for

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Speaker 2: our own inner work. Or maybe it's just developmentally appropriate

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Speaker 2: limit testing that requires a firm, confident parent to step

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Speaker 2: in and say, this is not about my ego, this

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Speaker 2: is not about my inner work. This is just about

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Speaker 2: you doing the right thing and being socialized appropriately. How

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Speaker 2: do you navigate that tension.

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Speaker 3: Well in online work with parents? Because it's still confusing.

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Speaker 3: I've made it simple, but you tell me if there's

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Speaker 3: nuances that I'm missing. But the way I look at

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Speaker 3: it is if it's got to do with harm, harm

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Speaker 3: to the brain, harm to the body, harme to your friend,

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Speaker 3: harm to society, harm to grandma, and harm should be

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Speaker 3: something that everyone all across the world would agree. It's

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Speaker 3: not something that the parent decides is harmful. Right, So

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Speaker 3: if a kid says I don't want to hug grandma,

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Speaker 3: the parent can decide that's harmful. But that's very subjective.

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Speaker 3: I'm talking about objective harm that most people would agree.

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Speaker 3: Then you, as a parent can create a very stone

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Speaker 3: boundary and stick to it. So drugs, too much screen time, alcohol, pornography,

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Speaker 3: before the child is an adult, all of these things,

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Speaker 3: you can safely assume that you need to step in

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Speaker 3: and not be apathetic about it, and you need to

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Speaker 3: protect your child and you will be in integrity if

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Speaker 3: you do so. Now, anything emotional which can now cross

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Speaker 3: many many nuances. Right if a child says off, somebody

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Speaker 3: could say that's harmful, But somebody could also say, okay,

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Speaker 3: didn't physic harm me, So I don't have to overreact. Right,

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Speaker 3: So now it gets a little muddy and murky. So

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Speaker 3: the way I deal with the emotional stuff which is

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Speaker 3: more in sand, it's not in stone, it's more negotiable.

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Speaker 3: You can look at it in many different ways. I

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Speaker 3: give a two step process. The first step is the

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Speaker 3: parent needs to be regulated at all times and go

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Speaker 3: and talk to the child. Hey, you said a swear word,

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Speaker 3: or you bang the door, you broke my glass, you

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Speaker 3: miss curfew. Let's talk about it, but doing it in

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Speaker 3: a regulated way. If that does not work and your

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Speaker 3: connection is not enough to create the influence you need,

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Speaker 3: then you need to go to level two, which is

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Speaker 3: really create the boundary. And the way to create a

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Speaker 3: boundary for emotional stuff is that you need to be

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Speaker 3: the one to architect that. Meaning don't tell the child

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Speaker 3: not to curse, but you tell the child that the

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Speaker 3: next time you curse, I will be doing X, Y

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Speaker 3: and Z. I will close my room, I will walk away,

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Speaker 3: I will listen to my music. I will not be

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Speaker 3: engaging with you. If the child is very young, then

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Speaker 3: we understand that the child cannot help it. Now, then

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Speaker 3: we need to help the child to learn different ways.

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Speaker 3: But I'm talking about, say, after the age of seven onwards,

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Speaker 3: where the child is kind of capable of understanding the

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Speaker 3: Boundariy you hold the boundary. So if the child, for example,

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Speaker 3: is eating too many cookies, stop telling the child not

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Speaker 3: to eat cookies. You don't buy them. If the child

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Speaker 3: is not getting off the internet, you unplug the Wi Fi.

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Speaker 3: If the child is leading all the lights on in

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Speaker 3: the house, you take out the light bunce. Right, I'm

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Speaker 3: just giving you example. If you don't like that the

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Speaker 3: child leaves the dishes in the sink, you only provide

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Speaker 3: paper plates, or you don't clean the dishes. Right, So

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Speaker 3: you hold the boundary. Is what I'm say is you

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Speaker 3: don't depend on the child. You architect the boundary. So

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Speaker 3: here are you know and within this framework are all

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Speaker 3: the different examples, And of course they're ten thousand different things.

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Speaker 3: That come up for parents, But I just follow these rules.

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Speaker 3: If it's physical, it's a stone boundary. If it's emotional,

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Speaker 3: they are two layers to it.

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Speaker 1: One.

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Speaker 3: We try to connect and influence in a regulated way.

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Speaker 3: We try to have a conversation. If that doesn't work,

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Speaker 3: then I take the boundary in my own hands, so

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Speaker 3: that if the child is going out at night and

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00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,320
Speaker 3: you don't like it, and you're getting very nervous, and

434
00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:35,440
Speaker 3: the child doesn't come home, you try to talk to them,

435
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:39,760
Speaker 3: you either take away the keys or you you know,

436
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:43,080
Speaker 3: you tell them that now I cannot engage with you

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00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:45,720
Speaker 3: for the next few days because you're not appreciating the

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00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:50,240
Speaker 3: danger here, and I need to disengage from this relationship

439
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,879
Speaker 3: till you understand how serious this is. And if the

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00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:58,240
Speaker 3: parent says, well nothing works, then justin we have an

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00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:02,840
Speaker 3: even more serious problem. See if no boundary works, that

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00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:08,480
Speaker 3: means the connection is completely severed. And if that is

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00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,000
Speaker 3: the case, I suggest that the two of them, meaning

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00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:16,600
Speaker 3: the parent and the child, go for some serious therapy coaching,

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00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:21,879
Speaker 3: because that means the parent has lost all influence and

446
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:26,439
Speaker 3: no matter what we do, no technique will work because

447
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:32,520
Speaker 3: the child has simply lost trust in that relationship. They

448
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:35,399
Speaker 3: don't need the parent, and now the parent has lost

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00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 3: all leverage. So for any parent listening, don't lose hope.

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00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:42,840
Speaker 3: There is a way to reconnect and recover, but you

451
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,679
Speaker 3: will need to do a lot more work, probably with

452
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:47,320
Speaker 3: the third person, to help.

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00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:49,840
Speaker 2: To find out more about everything that we've been talking

454
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 2: about today, and to have your brain exploded when it

455
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,040
Speaker 2: comes to understanding yourself and your family and to make

456
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:59,440
Speaker 2: your family happier. Check out doctor Shafarli's website. We will

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00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 2: link to it in the show notes. Events dot dtor

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00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:06,719
Speaker 2: sfari dot com, Slash Australia, Melbourne March eleven, Sydney March twelve.

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00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 2: I think we need a three hour podcast. I need

460
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,800
Speaker 2: to do one of those Lex Friedman Stephen Barton podcast

461
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,960
Speaker 2: with you one day, Shaffi, because we could just keep

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00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,560
Speaker 2: ongoing for hours. Thanks so much for generously chatting with

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00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,280
Speaker 2: me again about your wonderful work.

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00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:25,040
Speaker 3: I'm so excited always to chat with you. You're incredible.

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00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:28,240
Speaker 3: The work that you're doing is so phenomenal and this

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00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:31,120
Speaker 3: in such practical advice, So thank you and I can't

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00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:35,000
Speaker 3: wait to maybe see some of your listeners in Melbourne

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00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,360
Speaker 3: and Sydney when I come next month.

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00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:38,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're very kind. I'm sure it'll be a wonderful,

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00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:42,680
Speaker 2: wonderful tour and some some fantastic some fantastic events in

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00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,720
Speaker 2: Melbourne and Sydney, like I said. Details in the show

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00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,879
Speaker 2: notes DTR Safari Sabari. The Happy Family Podcast is produced

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00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:52,840
Speaker 2: by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds provides research,

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00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:54,920
Speaker 2: admin and all of our other support and if you'd

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00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,160
Speaker 2: like more info about Shafalie's tour, check the show notes

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00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:59,240
Speaker 2: or her website. And for more and fo about making

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00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,119
Speaker 2: your family happy, you'll find it at happy families dot

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Speaker 2: com dot a um hmm