Speaker 1: This episode was recorded on cameragle Land. Hi guys, and
Speaker 1: welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura,
Speaker 1: I'm Brittany, and this is ask gun cut where we
Speaker 1: answer you're deep, you're duck, and you're burning questions. Also,
Speaker 1: I just want to say very big thank you to
Speaker 1: everyone because this is the first episode. I know we
Speaker 1: had Friday's episode come out, but this is the first
Speaker 1: episode since the break news, and I just want to
Speaker 1: say thank you for so many really really nice messages
Speaker 1: that I've received.
Speaker 2: Imagine if you didn't get nice messages though, actually, if
Speaker 2: it was like, fuck you having another baby in an
Speaker 2: overpopulated world.
Speaker 3: What about that one you got about twins?
Speaker 4: Oh, someone messaged me.
Speaker 1: I was like, please only send me positive news stories
Speaker 1: about going from two to three, because, like I told
Speaker 1: you on the last episode, everyone likes to tell you
Speaker 1: how insane you are. And this one woman message and
Speaker 1: she was like, yeah, She's like, two to three sound
Speaker 1: like a fucking great idea, except now I'm eighteen weeks
Speaker 1: pregnant with twins. Imagine going from two to four. That
Speaker 1: would just mess you right up sideways.
Speaker 2: One of my really good friends that you guys know, Tany.
Speaker 2: Shout out to Tany. She listens to every episode. She'll
Speaker 2: f off that. But she had child, she had two kids.
Speaker 2: She was I'm in and iroing for the third. They
Speaker 2: decided to She's now got four under four. She had twins.
Speaker 2: That's so wid Did she just start a small business
Speaker 2: like last year? You know what? Fuck it chilling, Charlie.
Speaker 2: It's a pajama business. It's amazing. She's one of those
Speaker 2: superhero moms. It's like she's an architect, works full time,
Speaker 2: started a business four kids under four and a half.
Speaker 1: This is a real thing, though I can't remember where
Speaker 1: I read it, but women who have babies and then
Speaker 1: start businesses after becoming mums well productive. Yeah, there's this
Speaker 1: real entrepreneurship that happens. And I also we're very lucky
Speaker 1: with the current climate with like social media and the
Speaker 1: accessibility of starting small online businesses. It's definitely a thing,
Speaker 1: and I think it's because having your own business obviously
Speaker 1: starts as a bit of a creative idea, often during
Speaker 1: maternity leave. But it's something that you can within your
Speaker 1: own time, dependent on what it is, and often it's
Speaker 1: these businesses that end up blowing the hell up I've
Speaker 1: mentioned it before, kire Crumble. She has quite a few
Speaker 1: different businesses now, but a lot of them were inspired
Speaker 1: off the back of motherhood.
Speaker 4: And I think even for us, like when we started.
Speaker 1: You guys probably remember I started May and Move with
Speaker 1: my sister, which is like a crocheted blanket brand. Mind you,
Speaker 1: I haven't had the time to dedicate to it that
Speaker 1: I probably need because of the other basillian businesses that
Speaker 1: we've got going on. But I think sometimes as a mum,
Speaker 1: you see a gap or you see something that you
Speaker 1: would have liked yourself, and that's kind of like a
Speaker 1: business opportunity.
Speaker 2: And I guess you're not sleeping anyway, I.
Speaker 4: Might as well add MOUTI might as well.
Speaker 3: Be doing emails while we're feeding, right, Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think the thing is And I mean maybe this
Speaker 2: is just talking to my friend Tiny as well, but
Speaker 2: you do hear that mothers are more productive because the
Speaker 2: time they have less time, so the time that they've
Speaker 2: got they just knuckle down. Like I know, for her,
Speaker 2: she's realized with four kids at home that she's like,
Speaker 2: I want more autonomy and I want to be able
Speaker 2: to do stuff at home, and I want something that's
Speaker 2: more mine yeah, so I think that's really cool. I
Speaker 2: also said she's an architect, so she's an engineer. But
Speaker 2: I just want to rectify that we're best.
Speaker 5: Friends actually on that though, Like Laura, I actually remember
Speaker 5: you teaching me about this. It'd have to be over
Speaker 5: a year ago now, but you gave me such a
Speaker 5: different perspective on it in terms of employing mothers, because
Speaker 5: I kind of had maybe a little bit of a
Speaker 5: really wrong and a bit of a judgmental attitude that
Speaker 5: if women were employed and they had kids, they had
Speaker 5: priorities that were greater.
Speaker 4: Than their work.
Speaker 5: And I thought, well, that's always going to be the
Speaker 5: case until their kids are of a certain age. And
Speaker 5: you taught me, if you hire mums, they will work
Speaker 5: the hardest of anyone in the room because they don't
Speaker 5: have the time to fuck around.
Speaker 3: They're not the ones going and getting.
Speaker 5: The coffees and going and taking the extra time to
Speaker 5: chat with everybody in the office, because once their worktime stops,
Speaker 5: they have to parent and they will get their shit done.
Speaker 3: And it really really shifted things to me.
Speaker 5: I was like, Wow, that's a perspective I hadn't thought
Speaker 5: about before, and it's probably one hundred percent true.
Speaker 3: And I think that heralding women in that way is
Speaker 3: a really really.
Speaker 2: Good thing that you did.
Speaker 3: You shifted my mindset on it.
Speaker 2: Maybe that's what I need to do, because I've got
Speaker 2: all these bits and since in the back of my
Speaker 2: mind and I can't start them, maybe I need to
Speaker 2: get pregnant and then I'll become super successful.
Speaker 1: At the same time, you're already super successful, breathing.
Speaker 4: That's the problem. You already have.
Speaker 1: Businesses, but you're like, but now I need a sunglass brand.
Speaker 2: No, I have these two brands. It's so annoying I have.
Speaker 2: I've got business names, I've paid for them, I've trademarked them.
Speaker 2: They're sitting there and it's really annoying because I feel
Speaker 2: like I was just taking off and then I'm not
Speaker 2: going to say who, but somebody, very very big in
Speaker 2: Australian media just launched the same business. And now I
Speaker 2: know that there's room for everyone and every markets saturated.
Speaker 2: But I'm like, fucking oh, Like, if I did it
Speaker 2: a year ago, I would have you know, but you
Speaker 2: can't be like that. But now I've got to think,
Speaker 2: do I still want to do it? Because this person,
Speaker 2: I'll tell you off air. I can't go up against
Speaker 2: this person.
Speaker 1: It is like, yeah, it's different when someone else is
Speaker 1: doing up, but they're doing it really really well that's
Speaker 1: the problem.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're just I mean their reach and they're following
Speaker 2: and who they are. Can I say we can be
Speaker 2: if it's right.
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, well look, guys, knock harded to derail this back
Speaker 1: to myself for a second, but genuinely, I genuinely wanted
Speaker 1: to say thank you, Like I just feel so I
Speaker 1: feel so loved, Like, yeah, it means so much to me,
Speaker 1: how much so many of you one listen to the
Speaker 1: episode two cared message, like all of the just all
Speaker 1: of the love and all of the support, and I
Speaker 1: feel so lucky that this little baby gets to have
Speaker 1: two amazing sisters. If you missed it, we're having a
Speaker 1: girl yay, which.
Speaker 2: Also sorry Paul Matt, you're living with you, Maley Lola.
Speaker 3: But mom Ellie the cat that he didn't want a girl.
Speaker 1: The cat he's got Buster, at least he's got one.
Speaker 1: Other doesn't do much.
Speaker 2: He's such a good boy. He just sits in the corner.
Speaker 2: He doesn't contribute to the testosterone.
Speaker 4: He's such a good boy.
Speaker 1: No, look, I mean, Matt was always destined to be
Speaker 1: a girl dad, and I guess maybe we'll have a
Speaker 1: big conversation about it later on, but we've spoken about
Speaker 1: gender disappointment before, and I absolutely don't want to put
Speaker 1: Matt into the camp of having gender disappointment. He is
Speaker 1: thrilled that we are having a girl, but he definitely
Speaker 1: had the reaction of like, oh, okay, I have to
Speaker 1: reassess my expectations around what I thought fatherhood would be
Speaker 1: because he always saw himself as being a dad to
Speaker 1: a boy.
Speaker 4: I don't plan on having another baby after this, so
Speaker 4: like this is this is uh? He might have other ideas.
Speaker 4: Let's can we gret.
Speaker 2: That audio and hold onto it for when number four.
Speaker 1: This is us and our family complete, I think, and
Speaker 1: I guess like it was like a moment of whiplash
Speaker 1: for him to get his head around, and he is
Speaker 1: so so stoked that we're having another baby. He's so
Speaker 1: sorry that we're having a girl, and he is the
Speaker 1: best girl dad. And I think for me, I am
Speaker 1: happy that it's a girl because I worry that bringing
Speaker 1: a little boy into the dynamic would change the relationship
Speaker 1: that he already has with our daughters and I say
Speaker 1: this because you know, we have one nephew. We have
Speaker 1: two nephews, sorry, but one that he spends a lot
Speaker 1: of time with, which is George, his sister's son, and
Speaker 1: anytime where all together. And Kate has two little girls,
Speaker 1: and she also has a little boy, George. Matt instantly
Speaker 1: b lines and they play football, and they do all
Speaker 1: these things together, and it's like, well, I would hate
Speaker 1: for you to think that they're the things you have
Speaker 1: to do if we had a boy, and you don't
Speaker 1: do those things with our girls, you know, And the
Speaker 1: relationship he has with Malea and Laulu is so incredibly
Speaker 1: special that I'm like, we were designed for this, you
Speaker 1: were destined for this.
Speaker 2: I don't think he would change if he had a boy.
Speaker 2: I don't think he'd change the way he treats the
Speaker 2: girls in that sense. But I do think you can
Speaker 2: have the same things running concurrently. I think that you
Speaker 2: can have a level of gender disappointment and still be
Speaker 2: equally thrilled, Like you can still be equally thrilled you're
Speaker 2: getting a daughter and still have a level of like
Speaker 2: could have been cool to dabble in something I haven't
Speaker 2: dabbled in.
Speaker 4: Yeah, change of scenery would have been nice.
Speaker 5: Also, I don't want to make this too deep, and
Speaker 5: we can cut it if you're not comfortable with it.
Speaker 5: But Matt doesn't have a relationship with his dad, and
Speaker 5: I wonder if there was a little bit of a
Speaker 5: subconscious thing where he wanted to be the dad too,
Speaker 5: you know, a figure that he never had as in
Speaker 5: like I wonder if he kind of maybe wanted to parent.
Speaker 2: A boy the way that he was not raised as
Speaker 2: a boy.
Speaker 4: Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: Yeah, And we've had big conversations not about not about
Speaker 1: specifically being a dad tool boy, that being a dad
Speaker 1: in general. And I think I wonder if other people
Speaker 1: have experienced this, but like, there is something incredibly healing,
Speaker 1: and this is a big conversation about and I have had.
Speaker 1: There's something incredibly healing about becoming a parent when maybe
Speaker 1: your experience of your childhood wasn't the idyllic childhood upbringing.
Speaker 1: Because I really feel as though you get to heal
Speaker 1: your own inner child by being the parent that you
Speaker 1: always deserve to have. And I know that that's something
Speaker 1: that Matt has felt because he's just the best dad.
Speaker 4: He's the best, best dad.
Speaker 1: And you know, he's always said, I want to be
Speaker 1: the version of a dad that I didn't necessarily have,
Speaker 1: So yeah, I'm so proud of him. And also, you know,
Speaker 1: it took him a second and now he's soon on board.
Speaker 1: So look, guys again, thank you. It's very exciting times.
Speaker 1: I'm sure I'll update you and all of the gory
Speaker 1: details along the way.
Speaker 4: You're going to be thrilled about it.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Oh, we are so much more content now.
Speaker 4: Thank god we were running drive.
Speaker 5: I can actually talk about it because there were so
Speaker 5: many things going on in your personal life and you're like, oh,
Speaker 5: I just I can't share that yet. So yeah, we're
Speaker 5: going to get the backlog of all the funny stories I.
Speaker 2: Did, like, I genuinely loved going through all the guesses
Speaker 2: of what was going to be on the Instagram post
Speaker 2: like that was really fun. The people that thought all
Speaker 2: three of us were having babies simultaneously, that was very optimistic.
Speaker 2: I don't know on the same day, I don't know
Speaker 2: how we would survive that.
Speaker 1: To be fair, that would be one situation where the
Speaker 1: podcast would really struggle.
Speaker 2: I don't I don't know what would have happened. I
Speaker 2: don't know how we would have survived that, so it's
Speaker 2: probably as exciting as that would have been. Be grateful
Speaker 2: that we're all not having babies simultaneously.
Speaker 1: And also the second biggest guess was that Britt is
Speaker 1: now already married and she's moved to Italy. Those things,
Speaker 1: those things are going to happen, like that's probably the
Speaker 1: next big news that we have, like when we're teasing
Speaker 1: an announcement, but realistically, well you have just the beginnings.
Speaker 2: Thanks Laura. I was holding on to that. Thanks. No,
Speaker 2: it was exciting. I also did love the person that
Speaker 2: wanted Ben to come on as a co host. I
Speaker 2: thought that that was cute.
Speaker 1: I was like, wow, it really hit home with someone,
Speaker 1: and I do want to also validate a lot of
Speaker 1: people were talking about cloud, which I know that I
Speaker 1: didn't mean to bait you with the cloud in the.
Speaker 3: We didn't think it's sorry, we're not thoughtful enough to
Speaker 3: do Easter eggs.
Speaker 1: No, I'm not Taylor Swift, guys. I was just looking
Speaker 1: for I was in a rush. I was also trying
Speaker 1: to get food into both kids. It was soft, it
Speaker 1: looked nice, and you know what, it was a template
Speaker 1: in canvas that we used a long time ago, and
Speaker 1: I was like that'll do, Pig, that'll do.
Speaker 2: We actually were all speaking in our messages being like, wow,
Speaker 2: we really didn't think that one through. Like we definitely
Speaker 2: did bait that it was something to do with Cloud,
Speaker 2: but we didn't. No one knew, No one knew that
Speaker 2: that's what we were baiting.
Speaker 4: We didn't.
Speaker 2: It didn't even cross our mind.
Speaker 4: Okay.
Speaker 1: And also, if you haven't listened to Cloud, listen, go
Speaker 1: and listen. It is a fantastic podcast that we created.
Speaker 1: Keisha created it, she's hosted it, she's produced it, and
Speaker 1: it is all about living with adhd adhd like diagnosis.
Speaker 1: It's a fucking girl podcast. Don't get that in your ears.
Speaker 5: Well, speaking of recommendation, should we get into vibes, I
Speaker 5: thought you were going to recommend your pop.
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna recommend her again. Yeah, look, I'm going
Speaker 2: to kick start then without two weeks like overseas and stuff.
Speaker 2: I man, I watched some stuff like the Plane thirty
Speaker 2: hours traveling. I download all a bunch of stuff and
Speaker 2: I just watch whole series.
Speaker 4: Can I say?
Speaker 1: I had planned on trying to get through a couple
Speaker 1: of seasons of I just wanted to watch White Lotus.
Speaker 1: I wanted to watch it whilst I was on holiday.
Speaker 2: I still haven't watched it.
Speaker 1: I didn't watch a single thing, not one thing on holiday.
Speaker 4: I don't know what I did though.
Speaker 2: We just, I guess in family stuff, which is probably
Speaker 2: better than more dolphins.
Speaker 3: You were very connected around it, and you should.
Speaker 4: I actually don't know what I did. I can't tell
Speaker 4: you one thing.
Speaker 2: Tell you because you would send me photos you Laura
Speaker 2: would send me photo of her at the beach, be
Speaker 2: like I'm so free, I'm going to move here and
Speaker 2: it was just like an empty beach and I was like, Okay,
Speaker 2: see you back in the city next week. I was
Speaker 2: like what she always saw that she goes this is
Speaker 2: freedom and I was like, who are.
Speaker 4: You SHEDFOI has literally like making sand angels.
Speaker 2: She was on the ground making angels and she's like,
Speaker 2: I just love it here, guys.
Speaker 4: I'm born to be in the country. I'm not born
Speaker 4: to be here.
Speaker 2: I'm not I'm born to be on the Italian on
Speaker 2: a yacht.
Speaker 4: But we all have what we want, all right, recommendations.
Speaker 2: Yes, so you so season five of you? We all
Speaker 2: know what you is. Literally there's five seasons. This is
Speaker 2: the final season. It came out like in the last
Speaker 2: two weeks. It's really fresh. But I downloaded it straight
Speaker 2: away and watched the entire thing.
Speaker 4: So many episodes are we talking.
Speaker 5: I think it's eight ten max eight, But it's see
Speaker 5: what you can achieved when you're not doing sand angels.
Speaker 2: I see what you can achieve when you're on a
Speaker 2: thirty hour flight. So if you've seen the reviews, it
Speaker 2: is getting mixed reviews. And I went through each season,
Speaker 2: so season one to five basically got like in terms
Speaker 2: of percentage ratings, ninety five percent, ninety three percent, eighty
Speaker 2: nine percent, like they sort of went down a little bit,
Speaker 2: and I think this one's the lowest, seventy nine percent
Speaker 2: or something. But I loved it. I really enjoyed it.
Speaker 2: What I will say is it was and I think
Speaker 2: you can feel it both things at the same time.
Speaker 2: I was very frustrated by the choices the character's made.
Speaker 2: You know, when you want to scream at a TV
Speaker 2: like you're like, well, what did you think was going
Speaker 2: to happen? Like that's what I was saying. I was like,
Speaker 2: of course you're going to get murdered, Like why did
Speaker 2: you do that? So you get this real frustration with
Speaker 2: the characters, but it wasn't enough to not make you
Speaker 2: want to watch it like you wanted to see it through.
Speaker 4: You just victim blame the characters.
Speaker 2: One hundred percent. I victim blamed. No, I wait, you
Speaker 2: see it. Wait, you're like you idiot, I won't. Yeah, No,
Speaker 2: you have to. You have to. It has to come.
Speaker 2: It's one of those things that has to come full circle.
Speaker 4: And I haven't seen anything since season one.
Speaker 1: I watched all of season one and I loved it,
Speaker 1: but I haven't seen any of the other seasons, so
Speaker 1: it's too much.
Speaker 4: I'm now overwhelmed.
Speaker 2: Well, I've put Ben onto it. Ben's going to watch
Speaker 2: all five seasons. And I think it's one of those
Speaker 2: things that if you've ever watched one or two seasons,
Speaker 2: just finish it, just go through, watch them all. So
Speaker 2: I enjoyed it. It's definitely done. There is no room
Speaker 2: for another season, and there shouldn't be, like it's run
Speaker 2: its course.
Speaker 1: Why do you feel as though it's receiving negative backlash
Speaker 1: this season verse the other four?
Speaker 2: I think because it's done. I think because it's like
Speaker 2: we've explored so many storylines and almost getting a bit
Speaker 2: unfathomable now, like this one is a bit almost a
Speaker 2: bit fantastical. You're like, right, yeah, it's a bit like crazy.
Speaker 2: But I think Penn Bagley, who is the lead, is brilliant,
Speaker 2: Like he's very.
Speaker 5: Good, and I think he was perfectly cast. So he'll
Speaker 5: always be danned from Gossip Girl totally. I saw that
Speaker 5: he went on Call Her Daddy last week as well,
Speaker 5: so yeah, let's not.
Speaker 2: Promote the biggest podcast in the world.
Speaker 4: I'm trure he'll be on Life on Card next week,
Speaker 4: Key Show. What to vibe.
Speaker 5: My vibe of this week is because I traveled internationally
Speaker 5: a week and a half ago, and this is something
Speaker 5: that I've had for the past, I reckon maybe eleven years,
Speaker 5: and it's a travel money card now mina through the
Speaker 5: Commonwealth Bank because I bank with them, and this is
Speaker 5: not an ad I have had these cards for as
Speaker 5: long as I can remember. I remember not paying for them,
Speaker 5: so I'm assuming that that's because I am a comm
Speaker 5: Bank member already. I don't know how much it would
Speaker 5: cost to just get one of these if you don't
Speaker 5: bank with them, but I can't imagine it being much. Basically,
Speaker 5: it's a prepaid visa card and it means that you
Speaker 5: get no international transaction fees. So the way it works
Speaker 5: for me is that it just as an additional bank
Speaker 5: account in my set of bank accounts, so I can
Speaker 5: transfer immediately, and I can also transfer out of it
Speaker 5: immediately if I was to lose one of the cards
Speaker 5: or whatever. I load it with Australian money whenever I
Speaker 5: use it in no matter what country I'm in.
Speaker 2: If I haven't.
Speaker 5: Preloaded that particular currency, it will just take the day
Speaker 5: exchange rate for that day and it will just transfer
Speaker 5: it on the spot.
Speaker 2: So I always put just Australian money in it.
Speaker 5: I'm sure if you were smart enough or if you
Speaker 5: were kind of checked in enough to notice when there
Speaker 5: was a really good exchange rate, you can actually convert
Speaker 5: some of the money into euro or you know, British
Speaker 5: pound or whatever it might be that you need. I'm
Speaker 5: not really that organized, though, so I just go with
Speaker 5: the day rate.
Speaker 2: It's really really easy.
Speaker 5: No international transaction fees. So yeah, I've been using them
Speaker 5: for as long as I've traveled internationally. And I was
Speaker 5: just reminded about it because we went on the weekend
Speaker 5: and my boyfriend was talking about having to unlock his
Speaker 5: credit card, and I was like, Oh nah, don't worry
Speaker 5: about that. Like we'll just use the travel cards. You know,
Speaker 5: it's pretty safe. You can just put small amount of
Speaker 5: money in there. And like I said, if there was
Speaker 5: ever an emergency and you needed a large amount of money,
Speaker 5: because I can just transfer immediately, it's really convenient for me.
Speaker 5: So yeah, if you're traveling and you want a travel
Speaker 5: money card, I really recommend the Combank ones I'm sure
Speaker 5: that other banks would have their own versions.
Speaker 4: That is to be fair. My number one Achilles Heel.
Speaker 1: So if you go to Indonesia or you're traveling through Bali,
Speaker 1: the ATMs work differently there. So in Australia they give
Speaker 1: you your card back, then they give you your cash.
Speaker 4: That's how they work.
Speaker 1: In Indonesia, they give you your cash, then they give
Speaker 1: you your card.
Speaker 2: And you walk away with it and.
Speaker 1: Then it says the problem is is it doesn't cancel
Speaker 1: the transaction. Something pops up on screen which says do
Speaker 1: you want to continue with your transaction? And all it
Speaker 1: takes is for someone to be behind you go and
Speaker 1: press yes. So the amount of times, and it's actually
Speaker 1: embarrassing how many times it's happen, because you would think
Speaker 1: I would learn I have lost my card and I
Speaker 1: have had lots of money deducted from my account, which
Speaker 1: I then had to go through insurance for. It's been
Speaker 1: an absolute ball ake, and it's usually because I've had
Speaker 1: a few it's something out of the club.
Speaker 2: Just get a car that you can attack.
Speaker 5: It's also if you don't have to have the cash
Speaker 5: on you, which in Bali I usually do get some
Speaker 5: cash because some places are there only take cash. But
Speaker 5: if you don't have to have the cash on you, you
Speaker 5: can just tap your card at restaurants and that which
Speaker 5: is great.
Speaker 2: So I am with Iron g Irong if you guys
Speaker 2: are with them. They're a bank that like doesn't have
Speaker 2: an actual physical bank bank, so it's like all online.
Speaker 2: But they don't charge transaction fees for international so anywhere
Speaker 2: in the world that you are that you want to tap, well,
Speaker 2: what it does is it charges it but then puts
Speaker 2: it straight back in. So that's also like a good
Speaker 2: thing too.
Speaker 4: Okay, Well, look, I have a recommendation guys.
Speaker 1: Over the Easter holiday, a really good friend of mine,
Speaker 1: Mel she came and she was she spent Easter with us,
Speaker 1: her and her little boy and her husband Enzo and
Speaker 1: we had a great time as friends, and she has thanks.
Speaker 2: It's just not swinging or thanks for clarification. My recommendation
Speaker 2: is the friends, very very platonic friend to hang out,
Speaker 2: get your keys and a bowl. Renovated this house down
Speaker 2: south so she can just go have sex parties. She
Speaker 2: hasn't told no.
Speaker 1: Look. The reason why I'm recommending it is because she
Speaker 1: has an Instagram page. She's a fantastic cook, like an
Speaker 1: exceptional cook, and she has an Instagram page where she
Speaker 1: has really awesome snacks foods that she creates. But a
Speaker 1: lot of them are great if you're a parent and
Speaker 1: you're wanting to get like healthy meals or healthy snacks
Speaker 1: for your kids.
Speaker 4: I'm talking muffins.
Speaker 1: I'm talking like faux sweet treats that aren't actually sweet treats.
Speaker 1: They've been created in a really incredibly healthy way. The
Speaker 1: recipes are really simple. And this recipe that I want
Speaker 1: to recommend is one that she made for the kids
Speaker 1: on Easter Day. It was a pancake recipe. And now
Speaker 1: I am pretty bad with cooking. I'm like a go
Speaker 1: to the shops, get a water pancake mix that you
Speaker 1: shake up and down and pour it out.
Speaker 4: Yeah, obviously that's what i'd do, whereas that horrified mel So.
Speaker 1: Firstly, the Instagram page for you to all go and
Speaker 1: follow is called PW Pantry. That's where she has all
Speaker 1: of her recipes. The food looks absolutely insane. But this
Speaker 1: specific recipe, and I'm gonna read it out to you guys,
Speaker 1: so you can kind of like jot it down.
Speaker 4: Now. It's two eggs, one luge banana.
Speaker 2: Oh, you're going to say the recipe.
Speaker 1: It's easy. There's only like six ingredients. Hear me out,
Speaker 1: give me time. Two eggs, one luge banana, three quarter
Speaker 1: cup of oats, half a teaspoon of baking soda, a
Speaker 1: tiny bit of cinnamon, and a few dashes of coconut milk.
Speaker 1: Then you add whatever vegetable you want, so she added
Speaker 1: spinach to it. You could add zucchini, or you could
Speaker 1: add beetroot and whatever.
Speaker 2: Pancake.
Speaker 4: Yeah, hear me out.
Speaker 1: Though, whatever whatever vegetable you add is the color. So
Speaker 1: if you want pink pancakes, add a bit of beetroot.
Speaker 1: If you want green pancakes, which is what we had,
Speaker 1: she added spinach.
Speaker 4: Blitz it all in just a neutral bullet, like just chuckle.
Speaker 1: Those ingredients in, smash it in a nutra bullet, and
Speaker 1: you have the most amazing, delicious, healthy pancakes for kids.
Speaker 2: Now, don't stress if you didn't write Laura's recipe down,
Speaker 2: we will link it in the show.
Speaker 1: Note we will, but I specifically now have this printed
Speaker 1: out and put it on our fridge.
Speaker 4: Melmegs it like twice a week, and I am following.
Speaker 1: I'm following in soup because I can't cook, but I
Speaker 1: can cook this, and I'm proud of myself. So yeah,
Speaker 1: go give it a follow Pew Pantry. Especially you're a
Speaker 1: mum and you're wanting to, like are a parent, you're
Speaker 1: wanting to make better food for your kids. I recommend
Speaker 1: it so much. She's a fucking great cook. Anyways, let's
Speaker 1: get into the questions. Question number one. Five months ago,
Speaker 1: my fiance and I broke up. We have a one
Speaker 1: point five year old one and a half year old
Speaker 1: boy together and are doing our best to stay civil
Speaker 1: for our child. When we broke up, my ex asked
Speaker 1: that I introduce any new partners or potential step dads
Speaker 1: to him, my ex, before I introduce them to our son.
Speaker 1: I agreed, and I asked for the same in return,
Speaker 1: But I recently met a really nice guy who has
Speaker 1: major potential to be my future, but it has me
Speaker 1: thinking that I want to experience what he is like
Speaker 1: around and with my son before I tell my ex
Speaker 1: and I'm seeing someone. I have mixed emotions, as I
Speaker 1: do understand where my ex is coming from, but I
Speaker 1: also don't want to have to tell my ex when
Speaker 1: I'm seeing someone, as this could potentially just happen again
Speaker 1: and again and again if this guy doesn't work out.
Speaker 1: Please help a girl out. What do you think is
Speaker 1: the best option in here. I'm happy to have the
Speaker 1: conversation with my ex if the situation needs to change,
Speaker 1: but I genuinely don't know what to do.
Speaker 2: I obviously have never been in this situation, but I
Speaker 2: have pretty clear, strong feelings about it, and I think
Speaker 2: absolutely you need to stick by the agreement you've had
Speaker 2: with your ex. If you have said to your ex
Speaker 2: both of you have agreed that you are going to
Speaker 2: make sure you're introducing everyone before you introduce him to
Speaker 2: the child, then you stick by that. And I don't
Speaker 2: even think that's something that you should have to stick
Speaker 2: by because you've said you've signed it. I think that
Speaker 2: that's something you should do any way out of respect,
Speaker 2: like you would want the same thing. So I think
Speaker 2: if you flip the tables, if you found out that
Speaker 2: he had his new girlfriend and she had been around
Speaker 2: your kids for months before you knew, I imagine you would flip.
Speaker 2: You would be like, I don't know who this person
Speaker 2: is that he's hanging around, and I think that he
Speaker 2: would feel exactly the same. I don't think there's much
Speaker 2: room for discussion here, and especially if you want to
Speaker 2: maintain a really civil co parenting relationship, you can't be
Speaker 2: breaking the first major and most important rule that you've
Speaker 2: set as a co parenting couple totally.
Speaker 1: Look, that doesn't mean that you can't reassess the rules.
Speaker 1: You are absolutely allowed to have a conversation with your
Speaker 1: ex where you're like, hey, I want to talk about
Speaker 1: this decision that we made because I don't know if
Speaker 1: I fully agree with it. Have a conversation about it.
Speaker 1: But you don't get to just lie and then make
Speaker 1: up a new rule because you've decided that now it
Speaker 1: doesn't suit you anymore. And I think that it's a
Speaker 1: lack of respect to your ex partner. It's a lack
Speaker 1: of respect to your co parenting arrangement that you have
Speaker 1: settled on, and also if it is your priority to
Speaker 1: ensure that you maintain this really civil respect for each other,
Speaker 1: and also, like you know, for how you're going to
Speaker 1: navigate this next period of life, I really think you
Speaker 1: owe it to honoring the agreements that you made. I also,
Speaker 1: just like I want to say, I understand that you're
Speaker 1: at a point where you're like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: just have to tell my ex about every single person
Speaker 1: I'm seeing. And also you don't have to tell your
Speaker 1: X about every single person you're seeing. But you also
Speaker 1: don't have to introduce your kid to every single person
Speaker 1: you're seeing either, I think and I know. Firstly, I
Speaker 1: know it's really hard when you have a really young
Speaker 1: child to find the time to date, and often that
Speaker 1: means that kids get introduced to new partners earlier than
Speaker 1: maybe you might want to. But also I would really
Speaker 1: recommend thinking about what works best for you but also
Speaker 1: is going to be the best thing for your kids
Speaker 1: later on. Because yes, your boy is only one point
Speaker 1: five years old.
Speaker 2: Stop saying one point five. I can't pin you.
Speaker 1: Seriously, Yes he's only one and a half, which means
Speaker 1: that he's not verbal enough to tell, you know, his dad,
Speaker 1: that's how you're going to get away with it. But
Speaker 1: there will come a time where this kid registers that
Speaker 1: mum has a lot of friends that she's introduced to,
Speaker 1: and I say this, and maybe I have a bit
Speaker 1: more of a bias.
Speaker 4: I guess it is probably the right word.
Speaker 1: Growing up, I grew up in a family with loss
Speaker 1: of divorce. My mum was divorced twice. My dad was
Speaker 1: also divorced twice. Both of them married three times. And
Speaker 1: I remember my mum dated, you know, she always kind
Speaker 1: of had a partner or a boyfriend, and a lot
Speaker 1: of them are really nice. You know. I don't have
Speaker 1: any animosity around the people that she was dating. But
Speaker 1: you do get introduced to these people that you're dating,
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden they're no longer a
Speaker 1: part of your life, and there is a weird emotional
Speaker 1: whiplash that happens. And there is this blueprint that you're
Speaker 1: putting down on your kids, and you're creating in your
Speaker 1: kids around what relationships look like. And I if I
Speaker 1: was to ever go through that as a parent, I
Speaker 1: definitely don't think I would be introducing my children to
Speaker 1: anyone until I was absolutely certain that they were worthy
Speaker 1: of meeting my kids, and that's how I would approach it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think the difference here is and I
Speaker 2: shouldn't say the difference, but I understand what she's saying.
Speaker 2: What she's saying is I already know that I want
Speaker 2: him to be part of my future, but the way
Speaker 2: he is around my son is going to be a
Speaker 2: very telling sign. And I absolutely agree with that, Like,
Speaker 2: somebody can be amazing, but you need to see the
Speaker 2: way they act around your kids, but better tell. But
Speaker 2: that doesn't mean you still have to break the rules,
Speaker 2: Like you still have to do the right thing by
Speaker 2: your son and by your relationship with this new person,
Speaker 2: and by your relationship with your ex. Unfortunately, I feel
Speaker 2: like this comes with the territory of having a child
Speaker 2: and being in a divorced relationship. I understand I wouldn't
Speaker 2: want to run to my ex all the time to
Speaker 2: and have him knowing that I'm seeing someone. He knows
Speaker 2: now it failed. Now he knows I'm seeing someone else.
Speaker 2: But it's just part and parcel, and I think it
Speaker 2: comes with a territory. It's unfortunate, but you've said, you
Speaker 2: know what would we do in that situation, I would
Speaker 2: be doing the right thing by my ex because if
Speaker 2: you and like I have people very close to me
Speaker 2: in my life where that relationship between xes has and
Speaker 2: the kids involved has gone sour and it just sets
Speaker 2: the tone for the rest of.
Speaker 1: Your life lighteen years. Yeah, like I tel that kid
Speaker 1: no longer is part of chance support you. Yeah, absolutely
Speaker 1: ruin your ability to co parent amicably.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you get each other offside early. From my
Speaker 2: experience of what I'm seeing, when your parents that have
Speaker 2: disagreed on something, like when you're co parenting, you've disagreed
Speaker 2: on something, people seem to hold onto that a lot
Speaker 2: more and then they start to use it as tip
Speaker 2: for tat. So I think he need to be as
Speaker 2: like amicable and honest and open as possible in every
Speaker 2: relationship because that is what your future depends on.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I guess the only thing I want to
Speaker 1: add to that is, like you know, you've said, I
Speaker 1: want to see and I want to experience what he
Speaker 1: is like around and with my son before I tell
Speaker 1: my ex that I'm seeing someone. Firstly, I probably wouldn't
Speaker 1: be just introducing someone that you're quote unquote seeing. I
Speaker 1: would be introducing someone who you've made a commitment to
Speaker 1: and you know that there's someone that you Okay, he's
Speaker 1: not seeing anyone else. I'm not seeing anyone else. We
Speaker 1: are committed to seeing if this has potential and could work. Firstly,
Speaker 1: that would be one hundred percent has to be And secondly,
Speaker 1: I don't think your child should be the road test
Speaker 1: for that, Like I don't think that you test it
Speaker 1: out and see how they are with your kid before
Speaker 1: you have conversations with other people in your life, because
Speaker 1: it's very possible to sit down and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: I am seeing someone.
Speaker 4: He is a great guy.
Speaker 1: At some point, I am going to introduce him to
Speaker 1: our child. But I want you to know that if
Speaker 1: that doesn't work out, well, my absolute main priority is
Speaker 1: how he treats our boy, and if he doesn't live
Speaker 1: up to my expectations around that, he won't be a
Speaker 1: part of my life. That just once again proves that
Speaker 1: your priority isn't your dating life. Your priority is your kids.
Speaker 1: And I think that it's easy for us to sit
Speaker 1: here and dish out advice. We haven't gone through divorces.
Speaker 1: We're not trying to navigate what it's like having a
Speaker 1: really little kid and also have a dating life. And
Speaker 1: that's why I wanted to say the caveat of like
Speaker 1: me having a bias. I know what it's like being
Speaker 1: a kid and having a parent who is dating and
Speaker 1: is proactively dating, and it can be really really hard.
Speaker 4: It can be really hard. So yeah, good luck with
Speaker 4: that one.
Speaker 1: That's I mean, And if anyone else is doing it,
Speaker 1: I would love to know how you've managed to navigate
Speaker 1: this slide into the DMS, because I think this is
Speaker 1: a question that people are going to have really conflicting
Speaker 1: experiences and feelings about.
Speaker 2: I actually don't agree with that. I don't think there's
Speaker 2: going to be that much conflict with this, So I
Speaker 2: think most people will say what we've said, if you've
Speaker 2: had an agreement with your partner, you need to stick
Speaker 2: to that. Yes, like you said at the beginning of this,
Speaker 2: if you want to rehash what those rules look like
Speaker 2: in your separation and the boundaries, and that's fine, But
Speaker 2: for now, I think it's a pretty black and white
Speaker 2: statement to say if you've agreed on something with a
Speaker 2: partner that has a kid involved, that you can't scoot
Speaker 2: around that and change it. Yeah. Absolutely, Okay, Question number
Speaker 2: two harmless crush when married? Is this normal? I have
Speaker 2: strong feelings about this one. I got married recently and
Speaker 2: absolutely adore my husband. I cannot fault our relationship at all. However,
Speaker 2: I am a nurse at a hospital and have found
Speaker 2: myself attracted to one of the surgeons at work. I've
Speaker 2: always thought he is a massive deal, which is a
Speaker 2: dad i'd like to fuck. But I found myself recently
Speaker 2: thinking about him even when I'm not at work. I
Speaker 2: would never act on these feelings at all, and I
Speaker 2: genuinely think they are just like an attraction and lust
Speaker 2: just because he's sexy. We do work together a bit,
Speaker 2: and I found myself getting excited when he comes in
Speaker 2: to see his patients or when I'm assisting him in
Speaker 2: theater with a surgery for one of his patients. My
Speaker 2: question is is this normal? Is it just like a
Speaker 2: harmless little crush, sort of like a forbidden free or
Speaker 2: a fantasy because I know nothing will ever happen. He
Speaker 2: is also married and has kids. I should say it
Speaker 2: also feels sort of wrong thinking about him when I'm
Speaker 2: not at work. So is this part normal? Any advice
Speaker 2: he is appreciated. PS? No, this is a bit that
Speaker 2: gets me. I don't want to tell my husband about
Speaker 2: this at all, because even though it's harmless, I know
Speaker 2: it will upset him and maybe cause a rift in
Speaker 2: the relationship for literally no reason. I just want your
Speaker 2: thoughts about why I keep thinking about this doctor. And
Speaker 2: when I say thoughts, to be clear, they are mostly sexual,
Speaker 2: which makes me do think it's just a weird fantasy.
Speaker 1: Don't tell your husband, like the husband, Your husband doesn't
Speaker 1: need to know.
Speaker 2: You're fantasizing about fucking the doctor.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, you're allowed to have fantasies, you know some
Speaker 1: people Actually no, I was I say, some people might disagree.
Speaker 4: I fucking doubt it.
Speaker 1: You are not able to have a fantasy, allowed to
Speaker 1: have thoughts. Thoughts are not real, they are not based
Speaker 1: in it can be yeah, but they're not based in action,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean. There is a very
Speaker 1: big difference between thinking, oh my god, that guy's hot.
Speaker 1: That's a fantasy, and that's where it ends like, hey, like,
Speaker 1: you're allowed to have those thoughts and those feelings. I
Speaker 1: would put money on the fact that your husband's probably
Speaker 1: had some of them at some point as well. That
Speaker 1: is a very very different experience than going and being
Speaker 1: like I'm so attracted to them and pursuing them. Right,
Speaker 1: that's a totally different thing. Don't punish yourself over having
Speaker 1: a fantasy. Also, probably don't overanalyze it, because the more
Speaker 1: that you try and tell yourself not to think about something,
Speaker 1: the more you tell yourself that something is forbidden and
Speaker 1: it's naughty and oh my god, like am I a
Speaker 1: bad person for doing this, the more that your brain
Speaker 1: is going to think about the thing that you're telling
Speaker 1: yourself you can't think about. Like if I say orangers,
Speaker 1: you're not allowed to think about oranges. I bet you
Speaker 1: right now, everyone's thinking about an orange. Like it's just
Speaker 1: how the brain works.
Speaker 2: I was thinking about fucking it. Not I'm joking with orange?
Speaker 4: An orange? Doctor mine is I.
Speaker 2: Was a joking Gase Ben was listening.
Speaker 1: No, But I just think like, we're allowed to have fantasies,
Speaker 1: you're allowed to have a crush, You're allowed to have
Speaker 1: someone that kind of makes you go ooh when they
Speaker 1: come in at the office. I don't think that that
Speaker 1: is something that you should be ashamed about or necessarily
Speaker 1: super super worried about. Obviously, it can err into a
Speaker 1: territory where it becomes a problem. Sounds like from what
Speaker 1: you've said, it's not there yet, So I would say,
Speaker 1: just maybe don't worry about it as much as you are,
Speaker 1: and know that you absolutely don't have to tell your
Speaker 1: husband thoughts that you're having about a guy that you
Speaker 1: work with.
Speaker 2: I feel differently, Oh, you thinking she needs to tell him? Fuck? No, No,
Speaker 2: not about that. I thought I made that clear. Don't
Speaker 2: tell your husband and you've got a crush on that
Speaker 2: you think about having sex with someone you work with
Speaker 2: every day? No, I feel differently that I don't think
Speaker 2: this is necessarily as harmless as you think. And I
Speaker 2: want to say this because I have so much skin
Speaker 2: in the game. I worked in an operating theater for
Speaker 2: thirteen years. I dated doctors. I work so closely with doctors.
Speaker 2: I know even the way she's talking about how she
Speaker 2: assists the doctor in theater. I've been there, I've done that,
Speaker 2: I've seen it. The reason I worry about this is because,
Speaker 2: and I'm not blanket statement in.
Speaker 4: At all surgeons and noises.
Speaker 2: A lot of surgeons cheat people that are married with kids.
Speaker 2: I have seen it so many times my partner, many
Speaker 2: many moons ago. I dated a surgeon he also cheated.
Speaker 1: Also kid, Yes, yeah, I ha data surgeon, he cheated
Speaker 1: a lot. But also, can we just please put out
Speaker 1: there are going to be a lot of people listening
Speaker 1: to this who are married to surgeons or who are surgeons,
Speaker 1: and they don't cheat.
Speaker 2: That's why I said, it's not a blanket statement.
Speaker 4: It's not if you're a surgeon, you're a cheat.
Speaker 3: Up.
Speaker 2: A lot of people cheat.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, you know there are stereotypes that exist in
Speaker 5: the medical world for good reason.
Speaker 2: Story types exist in aviation that exist.
Speaker 4: In military, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: Like, there are a lot of stereotypes and there are
Speaker 3: reasons for this.
Speaker 2: Well, the thing the stereotypes is, and I just want
Speaker 2: to say this just as much there are a lot
Speaker 2: of surgeons, I know he families that are the best
Speaker 2: husbands and dads. Ever, like I'm not sanely all do it.
Speaker 2: The reason these stereotypes in things like aviation and things
Speaker 2: like surgeons exist is because the opportunity exists. Surgeons work
Speaker 2: twenty four hours a day, they're always on call, they
Speaker 2: sleep at hospitals. It's just it's they're married to their job, right,
Speaker 2: And so I'm not blanket statementing, but and.
Speaker 1: They're also potentially people that are deemed as desirable because
Speaker 1: of their occupations, so like they may have more opportunities
Speaker 1: when it comes to dating or it comes so you know,
Speaker 1: people being interested in them.
Speaker 2: But the reason I want to say that, I don't
Speaker 2: think it's necessarily completely harmless. And I'm not saying this
Speaker 2: because I think that you will do anything. That's not
Speaker 2: what I'm saying. But I start to worry about this
Speaker 2: situation because is it normal to like have fantasies about people? Absolutely?
Speaker 2: Is it normal to imagine having sex with someone else?
Speaker 4: Sure?
Speaker 2: Like that is human nature to be attracted to other people.
Speaker 2: You can appreciate a beautiful human walking down the street
Speaker 2: or that you work with, Like, that's all fine. I
Speaker 2: worry about this for you because you start to get
Speaker 2: really excited when he comes into the room and you
Speaker 2: think about him outside of work sexual. That is where
Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, he's taking up too much brain space.
Speaker 2: When he walks into a room and you're with a
Speaker 2: patient or something, you're physically in contact with him and
Speaker 2: having these interactions, and it's normal to want to flirt.
Speaker 2: A people flirt all the time, and it's normal to
Speaker 2: have that, right when you're going home to your husband
Speaker 2: and you're finding those intrusive thoughts coming into your personal
Speaker 2: life and it's still sexual, that's when I start to worry,
Speaker 2: because that's when my personal opinion is, if you've just
Speaker 2: married somebody, another man that you have contact with every
Speaker 2: single day, shouldn't be infiltrating your home life and your
Speaker 2: home thoughts like fantasies. You can't help what you dream about,
Speaker 2: and you can't help the way you feel when someone
Speaker 2: walks into a room, but if you are starting to
Speaker 2: develop those feelings, and let's be real, unfortunately we exist
Speaker 2: in a society, especially in hospitals, where it could be
Speaker 2: more likely than not that you spend more time at
Speaker 2: work with this person than your husband, Like some people
Speaker 2: go to work for twelve fourteen hours, you come home
Speaker 2: by dinner, and you go to sleep, Like there's a
Speaker 2: high chance you might be interacting more on a day
Speaker 2: to day level with this person, and maybe that's why
Speaker 2: the thoughts infiltrate more. But I know you can't say
Speaker 2: I'm not going to think about him, But you can
Speaker 2: definitely control your interactions at work and the way you interact,
Speaker 2: and you can definitely try and draw that line again
Speaker 2: and make it a bit more professional. I would be
Speaker 2: personally trying to do that.
Speaker 1: I guess that's my question though, because there's nothing in
Speaker 1: here that she has said that implies that the way
Speaker 1: that she is behaving or they are interacting is anything
Speaker 1: but professional. There's no indication of flirting, and if there was,
Speaker 1: she would have said that. She hasn't said that there's flirting.
Speaker 1: She hasn't said that there is anything that he is
Speaker 1: doing or she is doing to indicate a feeling of like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, he's so hot.
Speaker 2: I of course not, but there's always a line that
Speaker 2: you can draw more in a room if you are
Speaker 2: I'm going to assume there is flirting. That's an assumption.
Speaker 1: Totally, which if there is, then that's a line that's
Speaker 1: been crossed. And like, I'm going off what's been written
Speaker 1: in this, and that is not indicating any flirting. So
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't see this as like a massive
Speaker 1: red flag that you need to do anything about right
Speaker 1: now if things change, absolutely. But my kind of big
Speaker 1: take home from this is like you're aware of it,
Speaker 1: You're very conscious that you're not going to act on it.
Speaker 1: You're also saying you're very conscious that he's not going
Speaker 1: to act on it and it is just an internal thought.
Speaker 1: And so I'm kind of like, well, if it's just
Speaker 1: an internal thought, you're not going to fuck up your
Speaker 1: career or fuck up your relationship because you had a
Speaker 1: sex dream about someone and you think about them and
Speaker 1: it gets you off.
Speaker 4: Like, I don't know, I'm just kind of like.
Speaker 2: No, But it's more than that. She's not dreaming about him,
Speaker 2: she's consciously thinking about him at home. And she even
Speaker 2: says like, I'm starting to be worried. It feels sort
Speaker 2: of wrong thinking about him when I'm not at work.
Speaker 2: I understand why you're feeling that way because you have
Speaker 2: realized that it has crossed the lining personally for you.
Speaker 2: I'm not saying you've crossed the line, but like you
Speaker 2: have recognized that, Oh okay, I've taken this home with me.
Speaker 4: Now, that's weird to think about him sexually when you're
Speaker 4: at work, though.
Speaker 2: So it's it's hot. It's hot doctors operating and start.
Speaker 2: Trust me, Like, when you're in there and you're seeing
Speaker 2: someone save a life, you're like hot, Like, I understand
Speaker 2: why people cheat all the time.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, but I don't know I'm kind of like,
Speaker 1: she thinks the guy is sexy, and then when she's
Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm like, not that worried about it.
Speaker 3: My boyfriend has scrub caps that have his name printed
Speaker 3: on the front of them.
Speaker 2: They're not hot. I disagree. I think a surgeon is
Speaker 2: so much scrubs. They're crocs in there. They're saving lives.
Speaker 2: Like there's something when you were seeing someone save the life,
Speaker 2: it is hot. Trust me, even if they're not hot,
Speaker 2: the situation's hot. You're like, oh, you just like literally
Speaker 2: brought that person back that way cool.
Speaker 1: I would be interested to chat to someone who's like
Speaker 1: a sex ologist about this, because I think that people
Speaker 1: do need alternate stimulation. I'm sure that there are other
Speaker 1: people out there who can't just get off only thinking
Speaker 1: about their husband and from time to time, I agree
Speaker 1: to be like I saw that hot guy and now
Speaker 1: I have a fantasy about this.
Speaker 2: It doesn't make it real, my fair but I agree
Speaker 2: with that. But that's not the same person that you
Speaker 2: see every day. It's not the fantasy that you get off.
Speaker 2: It's not Jason Momoa once and then the next is
Speaker 2: Leonardo DiCaprio. This is a real life person. That you're
Speaker 2: in contact with, that it could happen with realistically, and
Speaker 2: it's the same stimulus. But that's where my worry comes from.
Speaker 2: Like if Ben told me that he was getting off
Speaker 2: sometimes like he's if I asked him and he's like, yeah,
Speaker 2: sometimes I think Scarlet Johansson or or sometimes I think
Speaker 2: of a hot actress or something I've seen. If he
Speaker 2: said that, I'd like, yeah, okay. If he said yeah,
Speaker 2: I think about the girl at work that works at
Speaker 2: reception at football and I think about her every time,
Speaker 2: I'd be like, what the fuck? Like you think about
Speaker 2: someone that you see every day, that's who you're thinking
Speaker 2: about every night.
Speaker 1: With that, that's different, of course, but no one's ever
Speaker 1: going to tell you their thoughts. What I'm trying to
Speaker 1: say is is like I am sure there are people
Speaker 1: out there who have great relationships, but they have a
Speaker 1: specific fantasy that they know they're never going to play
Speaker 1: out that would exist, and it doesn't mean that they're
Speaker 1: bad in their relationship.
Speaker 4: It doesn't mean that they're not.
Speaker 1: You know, we'll just disagree on this one, and yes
Speaker 1: it would hurt. But the thing is is Ben might
Speaker 1: He's never going to tell you. Britt He's not about that.
Speaker 1: It's not about the telling. It's about what happens when
Speaker 1: that has infiltrated your life if you do not know
Speaker 1: what will happen. I know you said he's married with kids, right,
Speaker 1: That does not mean that he might not have issues
Speaker 1: in one day hit on you. Doesn't mean that he
Speaker 1: doesn't feel the same connection. It doesn't mean that in
Speaker 1: a year, two years, five years, something's going to change.
Speaker 2: Like the fact you're saying, is it normal to think
Speaker 2: about the same person sexually at home in my marriage
Speaker 2: when I see them every day, I'm going to say no,
Speaker 2: I'm going to say that that one person that has
Speaker 2: become your fantasy that you connect with every day, I
Speaker 2: would start to be trying to peel back from that.
Speaker 2: Fantasies are normal, yes, but it's different when it could
Speaker 2: become a reality and you spend so much time with someone.
Speaker 2: That's where I'm like, Okay, you do need to draw
Speaker 2: a bit of a line in the sand.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I guess like the way I sit slightly
Speaker 1: different on this is that I do believe that fantasies
Speaker 1: can live as purely fantasies, and even if the opportunity
Speaker 1: presented itself to you that you are able to have
Speaker 1: enough self preservation and also self control that even if
Speaker 1: you had a fantasy, you'd never do it anyway, because
Speaker 1: sometimes fantasies and what actually.
Speaker 4: Exists in real life are very fucking different.
Speaker 2: But the husband things weird, like don't Yeah, you definitely
Speaker 2: don't tell him. I don't tell him, Like that's weird,
Speaker 2: Like you just would that would never come up in conversations.
Speaker 4: Yeah, interesting, Like I said, love to know people's thoughts
Speaker 4: on this.
Speaker 1: I absolutely know that there will be people who feel
Speaker 1: exactly the same as you, because the reality is, no
Speaker 1: one would want to know that their partner is having
Speaker 1: those thoughts and feelings. The reality, though, on the flip
Speaker 1: side of it, is I bet you a lot of
Speaker 1: people's partners are, but they would never act on it,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't mean that they love you less. So
Speaker 1: let's not conflate thoughts with actual reality either, is probably
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to say. Yeah, anyway, okay. Question number three,
Speaker 1: is it rude not to wish kids a happy birthday?
Speaker 4: These days?
Speaker 2: Are they your own kids?
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's weird. A happy birthday is still a thing.
Speaker 1: My son just turned to and I'm a little bit
Speaker 1: upset at the lack of friends and family that took
Speaker 1: the time to message me or call to see him
Speaker 1: and say happy birthday. My partner seems to think that
Speaker 1: life just gets busy and people sometimes remember but then
Speaker 1: forget to do anything about it. But I think if
Speaker 1: someone really means something to you, then they have no
Speaker 1: excuse to make the effort over the top me makes
Speaker 1: me not want to take my son to see these people,
Speaker 1: particularly family members who can't even say a simple happy
Speaker 1: Birthday to him. Obviously I would never do that, but
Speaker 1: still I just feel sad for him, and I'm not
Speaker 1: really sure why.
Speaker 2: We answered something similar about the girl that is pregnant
Speaker 2: and she was upset that not enough friends and family
Speaker 2: were like asking how she is and checking in. And
Speaker 2: I find this a similar question in my brain. And again,
Speaker 2: I don't have kids, so I can't imagine how I'm
Speaker 2: going to feel. Maybe I'll feel very differently when I
Speaker 2: have kids and if no one calls and says happy birthday.
Speaker 2: But for me, it does sound extreme to say I
Speaker 2: don't want to take my kid to see people that
Speaker 2: didn't call up and wish him happy birthday. And maybe
Speaker 2: that's because like, I'm not proud of it, but I
Speaker 2: have a lot of nieces and nephews that I don't
Speaker 2: call up for their birthdays either, Like how holy they at?
Speaker 4: What age do you start? Because there is an age
Speaker 4: that you should start.
Speaker 2: Well, what my family has started to do. We're in
Speaker 2: like a huge family group chat because I have a
Speaker 2: lot I have four brothers and sisters. They all have
Speaker 2: multiple kids. Like, there's a lot of kids in my family.
Speaker 2: And we start to like video record messages and we
Speaker 2: put them in the family group chat and then show
Speaker 2: them and then like the nephews and nieces will video
Speaker 2: record a message back and then they'll put it in there.
Speaker 2: So that's the way we've started to communicate. But at
Speaker 2: two years old, he doesn't know which way's up. He
Speaker 2: doesn't know if anyone's calling him. He's not going to
Speaker 2: be upset that. I think that that is an unnecessary
Speaker 2: stress that you are feeling and putting on yourself and
Speaker 2: creating by saying, you know what, fuck you, I'm not
Speaker 2: going to take my kid to see anyone else. But again,
Speaker 2: I might feel differently when I've had a kid and
Speaker 2: if no one calls it happy birthday, But for me,
Speaker 2: it's not a big deal. I don't care if no
Speaker 2: one calls me on my birthday.
Speaker 1: Maybe not though, like I don't care, to be honest,
Speaker 1: like I think as your kids get older, you care
Speaker 1: more because you don't want your kids to be disappointed.
Speaker 4: Everyone is different.
Speaker 1: I could not care if someone doesn't text me about
Speaker 1: my kids first or second or third birthday. Our third's
Speaker 1: probably like they know, but first or second birthday because
Speaker 1: that text message isn't for them, that's for me.
Speaker 4: They can't read.
Speaker 1: They don't say any Britney sent you a text message, sweetie,
Speaker 1: she doesn't know you ever pass that on?
Speaker 4: Like, I don't think you have a did.
Speaker 2: I don't I send videos?
Speaker 1: Yeah, so like if it's a video, obviously Male and
Speaker 1: Lola now are older, we sent a.
Speaker 2: Video for this last birthday for them.
Speaker 4: Yeah, they understand. How guilty they understand now it's different.
Speaker 1: But I think, like when your kids are really really little,
Speaker 1: unless like you're actually seeing them or it's a phone call.
Speaker 1: I kind of think a text is a bit of
Speaker 1: a it's a bit of a lack of effort.
Speaker 4: A text doesn't do anything.
Speaker 5: Do you think it depends on the proximity, as in
Speaker 5: like if it's your niece, your nephew, if it's your best.
Speaker 2: Friend, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 5: Like, is it just a friend or does it depend
Speaker 5: on how close they are to the kids.
Speaker 2: I mean, I came to their birthday party totally.
Speaker 1: And to be fair, it was tasman my niece's birthday
Speaker 1: like a week and a half ago, and I'd seen
Speaker 1: her in the days and leader, but then I didn't
Speaker 1: actually see her on her birthday and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: sorry two days ago. She knows I wish I had
Speaker 1: be a birthday yeah, which obviously, if my sister cared,
Speaker 1: she would probably be pissed at me, because you know,
Speaker 1: technically I probably wasn't a very good auntie. But like,
Speaker 1: I mean, she's four and she knows I love it.
Speaker 1: She actually how old is she? Yes, she's four and
Speaker 1: she knows.
Speaker 4: I love her.
Speaker 2: She's something under fists.
Speaker 4: She does the best cart wheels. But I don't know.
Speaker 1: I think that the offense that you're taking is probably
Speaker 1: more for yourself than it is for your child. And
Speaker 1: I understand that as kids get older, you absolutely do
Speaker 1: not want your children to be disappointed. And you know,
Speaker 1: for example, if nana or an auntie or uncle forgot
Speaker 1: when it was like their actual birthday and they were
Speaker 1: old enough to know and to be disappointed by it.
Speaker 1: I'd feel very differently about it, But at the age too,
Speaker 1: I personally don't care. Other people will, and I think
Speaker 1: that you're gonna have really close relationships with some people
Speaker 1: who are really excited about it a second birthday or
Speaker 1: a first birthday, and then there's some people who just
Speaker 1: genuinely birthdays are not big on their radar and so
Speaker 1: it's not something that they think about.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 1: I understand why you might want your friends to call
Speaker 1: or a FaceTime or send a video message, but a
Speaker 1: text message about a second birthday or a first birthday
Speaker 1: does absolutely nothing for the child whose birthday it is.
Speaker 1: All that is is an acknowledgment that two years ago
Speaker 1: you birthed a child. So that's the congratulations to you,
Speaker 1: and that is absolutely fair. You'll have some friends who
Speaker 1: will do that, but I definitely don't expect that of
Speaker 1: my friends. I don't care if they messaged me to
Speaker 1: say well done for surviving another year, poor poor person.
Speaker 3: I think the exception to this would be the grandparents.
Speaker 5: I think if I had a kid and my mum
Speaker 5: or dad didn't call their own grandchild on one hundred
Speaker 5: the kid's birthday, regardless of age, I think i'd be pissed, I.
Speaker 1: Agree, But also I'd be pissed if the grandparent just
Speaker 1: sent a text message. Like if a grandparent didn't show
Speaker 1: enough initiative to call my kids to even have like
Speaker 1: a minute conversation with them or show their face, then
Speaker 1: I would be like, Okay, that's a lack of care.
Speaker 1: But I think, like I'm saying, I think a text
Speaker 1: message is the lowest form of effort for a child
Speaker 1: because it's.
Speaker 2: Not for them. Do you know what you just said
Speaker 2: that it's interesting you just said, Oh you know, I
Speaker 2: don't care if someone doesn't call me and say congratulations,
Speaker 2: like you've survived another year a kid's birthday. That doesn't
Speaker 2: even clock to me that it's you surviving another year, Like,
Speaker 2: don't even think about it. To me, a kid's birthday
Speaker 2: has nothing to do with the fact that you've kept
Speaker 2: it alive for another year. A kid's birthday to me
Speaker 2: is like, oh, they're they're celebrating and their special day.
Speaker 2: We all get a special day year. I don't associate
Speaker 2: that with like, oh, the mom's also getting a congratulation
Speaker 2: for keeping it alive.
Speaker 1: Well, it's really funny because like when Marley had her
Speaker 1: first birthday, we had a big birthday party for Mali,
Speaker 1: like you know.
Speaker 2: It was for you being like, well, yeah, we had
Speaker 2: a big.
Speaker 1: Birthday and I was pregnant with Lola, and I remember
Speaker 1: having this moment where I was like, Marley is never
Speaker 1: going to remember a single bit of this.
Speaker 4: This is not about Maley.
Speaker 1: This is about us doing one year of parenting like
Speaker 1: this is And you know, it was all our friends.
Speaker 4: She's one, She had no friends, so it's.
Speaker 5: Not there was no kids, get some friends.
Speaker 4: Yeah, her cousins came over, but they were also one for.
Speaker 3: Just to be there through family connections, you know what
Speaker 3: I mean.
Speaker 4: So like she just didn't get it.
Speaker 1: So then when it came to Lola's first birthday party,
Speaker 1: we were like, we're not going to have one because
Speaker 1: like she doesn't remember. So now we only do birthday
Speaker 1: parties that are like actual birthday parties from about three
Speaker 1: years old, because like I don't know, I'm kind of like,
Speaker 1: what's the It's expensive and what's the point. But yes,
Speaker 1: I think first birthdays that's not a celebration of I
Speaker 1: mean it is. It's a celebration of reaching one, but
Speaker 1: it's also a celebration of reaching a whole year of
Speaker 1: parenting and surviving.
Speaker 4: Yeah, what just happened to you?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Okay, if you guys don't celebrate in one.
Speaker 2: People are going to come for us for that for sure.
Speaker 2: People gonna be like, fucking Brittany's worse, aren't you?
Speaker 4: Maybe me too? I mean, I'm look, Yeah, you.
Speaker 2: Didn't even through your own kid a birthday. You're worse.
Speaker 4: I didn't even tell my kid it was their birthday.
Speaker 3: They also lie to mart that's financially savvy.
Speaker 2: No I no.
Speaker 1: I told her eventually, but I was at work, so
Speaker 1: I didn't want her to like. I didn't want to
Speaker 1: be like, happy birthday, Mum's going to work. So I
Speaker 1: just told her on the weekend that it was her birthday,
Speaker 1: and then sheged to have the whole day.
Speaker 4: I changed the day. That's brilliant.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I think if your kids too, you can change the day.
Speaker 4: They don't know.
Speaker 2: Lola thinks she's two, not four. She doesn't know how,
Speaker 2: she doesn't know what wakes up. Okay, last question. My
Speaker 2: husband and I have been together for five years when
Speaker 2: we first started dating, we had super great sex. Over time,
Speaker 2: I have found that my sex drive has lowered while
Speaker 2: his is still extremely high. He thinks we have to
Speaker 2: have sex every single day and complains if we miss
Speaker 2: a day or two. He'll say he just can't remember
Speaker 2: the last time we did it. That was in quotations,
Speaker 2: You're like, hey, twenty four hours ago. Then he wants
Speaker 2: to play catch up and have it multiple times the
Speaker 2: next day. Oh my god, So it evens out to
Speaker 2: being once a day. That is crazy, which isn't often
Speaker 2: given it's hard to let a day go by without it.
Speaker 2: I have tried to tell him it's completely normal to
Speaker 2: only have sex a few times a week, or at
Speaker 2: least not every day, but he won't have a bar
Speaker 2: of it. He says I should feel lucky to have
Speaker 2: a husband who finds me so attractive. God, he gets
Speaker 2: hard every time we're in bed together. I'man flattering but
Speaker 2: all I want sometimes is just to have a cuddle
Speaker 2: and watch TV without him getting his thing out and
Speaker 2: the expectation of what is to follow. I don't know
Speaker 2: how to raise this with him, because I don't want
Speaker 2: sex every day. I tried jokingly saying it I try
Speaker 2: to tell him I'm too tired. I try to get
Speaker 2: out of it when he starts to initiate it. But
Speaker 2: at the end of the day, I don't want to
Speaker 2: hurt his feelings and reject him. I do find him
Speaker 2: attractive and I want to have sex, but not as
Speaker 2: often as he does. To be honest, it's just exhausting.
Speaker 2: That's insane.
Speaker 1: This is such a hard question to answer, not as
Speaker 1: hard as him. Look, it's a really hard question to
Speaker 1: answer because I understand the way that you feel in
Speaker 1: terms of like that duality between like I don't want
Speaker 1: to disappoint but also I don't want to do something
Speaker 1: I don't want to do. And at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, the main and most important message is like,
Speaker 1: if you don't want to have sex, you should not
Speaker 1: feel pressured into having sex with anyone. It doesn't matter
Speaker 1: if it's your husband, it doesn't matter if he feels
Speaker 1: this though, like you know it's this high sex drive
Speaker 1: and he's you know, you should be flattered or grateful.
Speaker 1: I don't want to create a bigger problem for you
Speaker 1: in terms of the language I use around this, but
Speaker 1: there's something to me that is like really really makes
Speaker 1: me really uncomfortable that he can't accept that there are
Speaker 1: days where you don't want to have sex with him,
Speaker 1: and he either guilt trips you into it or pressures
Speaker 1: you into doing it anyway. And I know that, like
Speaker 1: you said, like you find him attractive, and you obviously
Speaker 1: love your husband, and I'm sure he's great and every
Speaker 1: other way, but there is something about that that gives
Speaker 1: me a massive ick towards his behavior around sex and
Speaker 1: his feelings of entitlement to sex, because he doesn't have
Speaker 1: that entitlement to you, and he doesn't have that entitlement
Speaker 1: to your body, and he should not feel as though
Speaker 1: sex is something that he has the right to every
Speaker 1: single day.
Speaker 2: I think it's important to note here that it is
Speaker 2: in fact not normal to have sex every day in
Speaker 2: a long term relationship like that. You are the minority
Speaker 2: if you are having sex every day, and it is
Speaker 2: amazing if you are having sex every day, and both
Speaker 2: of you want that, but I think let's setting the
Speaker 2: precedent of saying that it's normal in a long term
Speaker 2: relationship is actually not. Ben and I don't even have
Speaker 2: sex every day when we see each other, and that's
Speaker 2: after months of not seeing each other, like.
Speaker 1: It's but there's no also I agree with it, but
Speaker 1: there's also no compromise in this. This expectation that if
Speaker 1: you haven't had sex every day that you have to
Speaker 1: catch up like this has become an obligation for you.
Speaker 1: And the more that sex becomes an obligation, the less
Speaker 1: that you're going to enjoy it. It's not surprising to
Speaker 1: me that your sex drive is decreasing and his hasn't changed.
Speaker 1: But there's a real imbalance that's happening here. And you've
Speaker 1: tried the you know, being nice and having like a
Speaker 1: funny chat. I actually think you need to have a
Speaker 1: little bit more of a direct conversation. You can cater
Speaker 1: to his feelings. I'm not saying you don't have to
Speaker 1: do that, but saying, just because I don't want to
Speaker 1: have sex one night, you shouldn't take that to a fence.
Speaker 1: You shouldn't take that as though that's a personal hit
Speaker 1: to you. And sometimes I am tired or I have
Speaker 1: a headache or whatever it is, but I shouldn't then
Speaker 1: be in debt to you to make that up.
Speaker 4: That's an unfair expectation on me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, sex debt is not a thing.
Speaker 4: It's not a thing.
Speaker 2: It doesn't exist, and thank you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the more I think about it, the bigger the
Speaker 1: eckis that I have to me.
Speaker 2: I can't stress enough that if you were in this position,
Speaker 2: that you've chosen this life partner, you are married and
Speaker 2: you do not want to have sex, that doesn't have
Speaker 2: to be a conversation where you have to joke around
Speaker 2: or you don't know how to navigate it. It doesn't
Speaker 2: have to be a huge deal, but it's a conversation
Speaker 2: that you should feel comfortable having. You should be able
Speaker 2: to say, hey, do you know what, I really don't
Speaker 2: want sex every single day. It's not that I don't
Speaker 2: want sex with you. Our sex drives are different. Can
Speaker 2: we meet in the middle. Can we do it a
Speaker 2: few days a week? If you continue to make me
Speaker 2: feel like I have to do it, I can tell
Speaker 2: you what is going to happen. I'll be example, well,
Speaker 2: I'm going to want it less. And I think communicating
Speaker 2: these issues it's normal to have different sex drives, and
Speaker 2: I would maybe have a different opinion if you were
Speaker 2: saying I want to have sex once every four months.
Speaker 2: I don't have a sex drive. What do we do?
Speaker 2: But you are still wanting to have it multiple times
Speaker 2: a week, and to me, that is like a completely
Speaker 2: normal compromise. Have the conversation with him really honestly, because
Speaker 2: it's going to push you away further. You will resent him,
Speaker 2: you will get the ick, you will want it less.
Speaker 2: So just say, hey, I love you, I'm so attracted
Speaker 2: to you. I don't have sometimes the energy or mental
Speaker 2: capacity to do it every single day. My sex drive
Speaker 2: is obviously a little bit smaller than yours. I debate
Speaker 2: if he really needs to do it every day.
Speaker 4: And I just debate. I completely agree.
Speaker 1: And this idea of like you don't want to hurt
Speaker 1: someone's feelings or you don't want them to feel rejected.
Speaker 1: I understand why you feel that way, but you are
Speaker 1: not responsible for his reaction to you saying that you
Speaker 1: don't want to have sex with him on one or
Speaker 1: two occasions. It's different if you were rejecting every single
Speaker 1: advance and he was like, I'm trying here and you
Speaker 1: don't want to. You also can do that like I'm
Speaker 1: you know, there are people in relationships and that happens,
Speaker 1: and like you don't have to have sex at any
Speaker 1: point that you don't want to. But I also don't
Speaker 1: want him to turn around. And I know you haven't
Speaker 1: said this, but this does happen in relationships. People use
Speaker 1: rejection and they use their feelings of hurt as a
Speaker 1: manipulation tool to get you to still do the thing
Speaker 1: that they want you to do.
Speaker 4: That's fucked like.
Speaker 1: You should be able to say I'm not in the
Speaker 1: mood tonight without fear of them playing the rejected card
Speaker 1: or playing the feelings hurt card, and I think a
Speaker 1: lot of people would have been in that situation. I've
Speaker 1: absolutely been in the situation where I've been then guilt
Speaker 1: tripped into feeling as though I've hurt their feelings, and
Speaker 1: so then I found myself having sex with them anyway,
Speaker 1: and I didn't really want to do it because we,
Speaker 1: especially as women, we worry so much about hurting people's feelings,
Speaker 1: and we often deprioritize what we want because we don't
Speaker 1: want to upset someone. And I can think about, oh fuck,
Speaker 1: it makes me actually feel sick thinking about it. I
Speaker 1: have absolutely had sex with people that I didn't want
Speaker 1: to have sex with because I didn't want to upset them.
Speaker 1: You don't want to do that with your husband, and
Speaker 1: that's okay. Can I just add a layer to this
Speaker 1: lords that I think exists so much. And I know
Speaker 1: I am talking stereotypically. I think a lot of the
Speaker 1: time in these types of conversations, the next layer.
Speaker 2: Becomes, well, it's a need for me. I need to
Speaker 2: have sex every day.
Speaker 3: There are actually a lot of studies on this biologically
Speaker 3: not true.
Speaker 5: People do not need to have sex every day, regardless
Speaker 5: of gender, regardless of sex drive.
Speaker 2: It is not a need.
Speaker 5: And I think a lot of the time when these
Speaker 5: start to turn really toxic, that type of communication of well,
Speaker 5: I want to have sex more. If you're not going
Speaker 5: to give it to me, I'll have to find it
Speaker 5: somewhere else. And I think that can almost be a
Speaker 5: little bit of, like you said, a manipulation technique and
Speaker 5: a threat of like, well, if you're.
Speaker 3: Not going to put out for me, I will find.
Speaker 2: It in some other way.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I do I want to imply that that's
Speaker 4: what this person is going to do.
Speaker 5: Yeah, that I've jumped to there, but like he can
Speaker 5: masturbate totally, you know, Like I just think that so
Speaker 5: many times, And I have friends that are in this position,
Speaker 5: and I've heard of conversations that they have had with
Speaker 5: their partner where it's like, well, you know, I'm wanting
Speaker 5: it from you, so that's a good thing.
Speaker 2: I'm not, you know what I mean.
Speaker 5: It's really grow very very disgusting language, but I think
Speaker 5: it's more common than what many people may really.
Speaker 2: He knows, he knows it is not normal to have
Speaker 2: sex every day. Every single man knows that it is
Speaker 2: not normal in a long term relationship to have sex
Speaker 2: every day. So if he all he has to do
Speaker 2: is go and ask any one of his friends in
Speaker 2: a group hout many times a week do you guys
Speaker 2: have sex? How many times? How well are you having sex?
Speaker 2: He's using that against you one hundred ccent And I'm
Speaker 2: not saying this to say he's a bad person. We
Speaker 2: don't even know him. My angle is not here to
Speaker 2: go and say he's a bad person. My angle here
Speaker 2: is to say it is okay for you to stand
Speaker 2: and it's not offensive to say to your husband, I
Speaker 2: don't want to have sex today Again, if you were
Speaker 2: not wanting to have sex for a year, I would say, yeah,
Speaker 2: that's something that you should go and work on together
Speaker 2: and sort out. Because there are levels of different people
Speaker 2: having needs like maybe see a sex counselor or work
Speaker 2: out the problem. But this is like you're still doing
Speaker 2: it four times a week, five times a week, just
Speaker 2: telling him just be like, this is not cool for me.
Speaker 2: I'm not enjoying it as much.
Speaker 1: And I think the big take home from this is
Speaker 1: like sex is not an obligation and he is not
Speaker 1: entitled to it, and you do not have to play
Speaker 1: catch up like and the fact that you feel as
Speaker 1: though you do speaks about the way that he approaches
Speaker 1: sex because he has made you feel like you owe
Speaker 1: him these things or he's going to be but hurt
Speaker 1: and feel rejected. That says a lot about his emotional
Speaker 1: you know, his eq not about and the state of
Speaker 1: how he views sex, rather than actually what's going on
Speaker 1: in this relationship. And you know, I really want to
Speaker 1: reiterate when not saying that you have a bad relationship,
Speaker 1: we're not saying that your husband's are fucking bad guy. Like, yes,
Speaker 1: of course it is great that he wants to have
Speaker 1: sex with you and you guys have a relatively matched
Speaker 1: libido normally, but don't feel as though you owe something
Speaker 1: to him when you don't want to do it.
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